((Tatsumichi Oki continued from It's a game of two halves, Brian))
Man, the future had been keepin’ its mouth totally zipped, even as it had slowly an’ surely turned into the present.
A lotta time had passed since he’d taken a stroll down the mountain, an’ not a lotta things had gone on in what counted for Tatsumichi’s lil world. He’d made his way back down into the forest. He’d wandered in the direction of the shrine. It’d gotten dark, real dark with all the leaves an’ branches blockin’ out the sky, and whaddya know, next thing that happened was he’d fallen asleep in a patcha shrubbery, legs stickin’ out like he was one of them lawn decorations his neighbours had. He’d woken up, picked himself up, dusted himself down, an’ headed onwards in what he’d been damn sure was the right direction.
An’ somehow, even with a map right in front of his face, he’d corn-spired to get totally lost, an’ wind up on the other side of the island to the shrine.
Least Nori had kept her promise. An’ he’d gone and done the same, of course. Twice over, in fact. Bout the only good thing he could say had happened in the day that had passed. Been a lotta names on those two announcements an’ all, lotta names an’ all of them that he recognised. He’d said he’d made damn certain to know the name’a each an’ every onea his classmates, hadn’t he?
Bein’ real though, it was the ones where a name was all he knew of ‘em that cut the deepest. First name. Last name. Nothin’ more. No hobbies, no goals, no nothin’. No chance to find out no longer.
An’ he hadn’t even bumped into anyone this whole time, either. Not a single person. Not a friend, not a foe, not even someone wavin’ around an’ axe an’ tryin’ to slice his head off. He hadn’t heard nobody. He hadn’t seen nobody.
An’ all things bein’ told, he was startin’ to feel a lil useless.
Cause, man, he wanted to do somethin’, yeah? He wanted to help out somebody, y’know, even if that somebody was none other than himself! He didn’t have any plan for the future, didn’t even know how long the future would be, but he was fit, he was healthy, he’d got a clear mind an’ sound conscious, an’ all he wanted to do was… man. Just somethin’ big, eh? Somethin’ useful. He’d only met two people so far - an’ man, was this island really that big that he’d bumped into so few of his friends? - an’ both of them had gone their own way, had their own goals. There had to be somethin’ more he could do to help out, y’know?
Right now, though, he weren’t doin’ much of anythin’. Cept standin’ still. Lookin’ up.
Feelin’ like he was gonna throw up, bein’ totally honest.
Cause, eh, it hadn’t been easy to see, what with everythin’ else about the lighthouse really stampin’ its mark on the landscape, this huge tower standin’ up tall like some kinda concrete giant, but he had noticed it. Blood on the front steps. Blood on the ground. Lookin’ kinda like rusty brown tire marks in the dirt. The plants and grass an’ other fooliage around it had been kinda pressed down flat. An’, hey, dried blood, that was bad enough, eh?
But he could smell copper, caught on the ocean’s breeze, an’ if his nose weren’t lyin’ to him, it was comin’ from right inside the lighthouse itself. He’d seen, an’ smelled, blood before, course. Guys got cleats scraped down their legs all the time, gone in for a slidin’ tackle on hard sun-beaten dirt, smacked their nose into the backa some hard-headed defender, all that sorta nonsense that went down on the soccer pitch. But he’d never experienced it this bad ‘til now. Every second he stood here, the smell was gettin’ more an’ more overwhelmin’. An’ yet his legs were totally refusin’ to move. Or maybe they’d already moved on an’ left the resta him behind. “You’re on your own now, pal, we ain’t stickin’ around for this calamity,” they mighta said.
Tatsu looked all the way up to the top of the lighthouse, an’ felt it loomin’ over him, its entire weight crashin’ down on toppa him.
When the seagulls follow the trawler
light house (CW: Suicide and suicide discussion)
Moderator: BRAU2 Director
((Tadakatsu Hatagami continued from Kill our friends? Sounds stressful and we're busy!))
How long had he been up here? It was hard to tell. Everything was just... blurry. It could have been days since he killed Kaori. Or maybe just an hour ago. Maybe he'd arrived here immediately after killing her. That was what it felt like. It felt, simultaneously, like he'd just killed her a few seconds ago and like it was just a thing he'd done so long ago that it was a foundational part of his identity. Tadakatsu Hatagami - black hair, brown eyes, plays baseball, murdered a girl with a crossbow.
He looked down at the ground. It was a long, long way away.
Why did this have to happen? Why did they get chosen? Why did he have to kill Kaori? Even if he survived, even if he managed to kill everyone and went home now, everything was fucked. Everything was ruined and it was never gonna be the same again. People would talk to him the same way that the girl with the gun had - like he was a lowlife, like he was scum because he killed people to survive. Like he was dirt, just because he didn't want to die. But it didn't matter, did it? Live or die, it didn't matter at all. The life he lived was effectively over and done with, no matter what he did or didn't do.
So maybe it'd be better to just get it over with. Maybe it'd be better to just... let go.
He'd been thinking about it for as long as he could remember.
How long had he been up here? It was hard to tell. Everything was just... blurry. It could have been days since he killed Kaori. Or maybe just an hour ago. Maybe he'd arrived here immediately after killing her. That was what it felt like. It felt, simultaneously, like he'd just killed her a few seconds ago and like it was just a thing he'd done so long ago that it was a foundational part of his identity. Tadakatsu Hatagami - black hair, brown eyes, plays baseball, murdered a girl with a crossbow.
He looked down at the ground. It was a long, long way away.
Why did this have to happen? Why did they get chosen? Why did he have to kill Kaori? Even if he survived, even if he managed to kill everyone and went home now, everything was fucked. Everything was ruined and it was never gonna be the same again. People would talk to him the same way that the girl with the gun had - like he was a lowlife, like he was scum because he killed people to survive. Like he was dirt, just because he didn't want to die. But it didn't matter, did it? Live or die, it didn't matter at all. The life he lived was effectively over and done with, no matter what he did or didn't do.
So maybe it'd be better to just get it over with. Maybe it'd be better to just... let go.
He'd been thinking about it for as long as he could remember.
((Yuichiro Takiguchi continued from Promise not to watch me go beyond the corner))
“Hey, Katsu-kun.”
Yuichiro stepped out onto the balcony of the lighthouse, having entered the building shortly before Oki arrived. He was still weighed down by his collection of guns and supplies, useless uzi hanging by his side with a now full belly. It seemed like his best friend had had the same idea as him after Mayumi’s death.
He stepped towards him. There was no hesitation. Why would there be? His best friend wouldn't hurt him. He wasn’t a hannya. He was Katsu-kun.
He offered out the carton of Wild Seven cigarettes. He had smoked two on the way over. He had a headache and felt sick, but it was laughable to say that that was from the smoking. He wanted a third.
“Want one?”
“Hey, Katsu-kun.”
Yuichiro stepped out onto the balcony of the lighthouse, having entered the building shortly before Oki arrived. He was still weighed down by his collection of guns and supplies, useless uzi hanging by his side with a now full belly. It seemed like his best friend had had the same idea as him after Mayumi’s death.
He stepped towards him. There was no hesitation. Why would there be? His best friend wouldn't hurt him. He wasn’t a hannya. He was Katsu-kun.
He offered out the carton of Wild Seven cigarettes. He had smoked two on the way over. He had a headache and felt sick, but it was laughable to say that that was from the smoking. He wanted a third.
“Want one?”
Yuichiro's voice broke through the fog, drawing Tadakatsu back towards reality. Where had he come from? How long had he been there? Was Yuichiro even really here, or had his mind broken from the strain of everything?
He looked at the cigarette. It sure looked real. He had never smoked, not even once. Cigarettes would mess up your lungs and impair your performance on the baseball field, that's what people always said. That's why baseball players on TV always went for chewing tobacco. But hell, what did it matter now? He was never gonna play baseball again. Might as well try it.
"Thanks." He took the cigarette, and held it inexpertly. It was solid, and had bit of weight to it. Not much, but enough to convince him that it was real. And if the cigarette was real, Yuichiro was real. He didn't have a lighter so he just left it there between his fingers, twitching.
He looked curiously at Yuichiro, who was sporting a number of guns. Multiple guns. His eyes flicked from the weapons to Yuichiro. "Hey, Yuichiro. This is probably pretty rude, but... you killed someone to get those, right?"
He looked at the cigarette. It sure looked real. He had never smoked, not even once. Cigarettes would mess up your lungs and impair your performance on the baseball field, that's what people always said. That's why baseball players on TV always went for chewing tobacco. But hell, what did it matter now? He was never gonna play baseball again. Might as well try it.
"Thanks." He took the cigarette, and held it inexpertly. It was solid, and had bit of weight to it. Not much, but enough to convince him that it was real. And if the cigarette was real, Yuichiro was real. He didn't have a lighter so he just left it there between his fingers, twitching.
He looked curiously at Yuichiro, who was sporting a number of guns. Multiple guns. His eyes flicked from the weapons to Yuichiro. "Hey, Yuichiro. This is probably pretty rude, but... you killed someone to get those, right?"
“Yeah, I did.” Yuichiro answered, no more tears left to shed at the confession. “I killed Niida-san downstairs. You might’ve seen the bloodstain in the kitchen. I couldn’t clean it up. This one was his." he said, tapping the albatross slung over his shoulder.
“And I killed Tendou-san over where the tangerines were. Didn't save her even though I promised to. Took this one from her." he tapped the handle of the Colt that was nestled in his pocket, with no care of whether it discharged while there.
“I killed them all, Katsu-kun.”
He reached into his other pocket, pulling out his lighter. He offered the flame for Tadakatsu’s use.
“I didn’t help anyone. I guess I'm just no good after all.”
“And I killed Tendou-san over where the tangerines were. Didn't save her even though I promised to. Took this one from her." he tapped the handle of the Colt that was nestled in his pocket, with no care of whether it discharged while there.
“I killed them all, Katsu-kun.”
He reached into his other pocket, pulling out his lighter. He offered the flame for Tadakatsu’s use.
“I didn’t help anyone. I guess I'm just no good after all.”
-
Pippi
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Whoa. Okay, uh, jeez, whoa.
Okay.
Phew.
He was, uh…
Nah, he was… he was good, he was okay, he was, eh, hangin’ in there. Just a little, whew, lil lightheaded was all. Felt like he was starin’ up at some kinda ogre or giant or somethin’, ready to swing its club down an’ squash him flat into onea his favourite seafood pancakes. Weren’t like he hadn’t seen tall buildings an’ stuff like that before or anything, jus’ that, man, everythin’ had really caught up to him all at once, y’know? The lacka sleep, the lacka human interaction that was kinda drivin’ him insane, the pressure an’ expectations he’d put upon himself, allof it had just hit him simontaneously.
The smella blood on the breeze, still present, sure hadn’t helped matters either.
But he hadn’t blacked out - least, he didn’t think he had - and he definitely hadn’t puked all over his shoes neither. He sure wouldn’t have blamed himself one tiny bit if he’d done either of those things, mind, don’t you go thinkin’ that. Just that, eh, he was really not at his best rightabout now, an’ takin’ into account that he hadn’t gone an’ done the totally reasonable thing, that was some damn good evidence that he was still gonna be able to stand up tall when it mattered most, an’ keep a cool head when everythin’ around him was fallin’ to pieces.
He was bound to run into a dead body sooner or later, y’know? Hell of a thing to think about, but that was the reality he was livin’ in rightabout now. There was definitely somethin’ real bad lurkin’ inside this tower, after all. It wasn’t gonna get anymore fun, the more he ran inta stuff like this, but the longer it took ‘fore he witnessed firsthand exactly what this island was doin’ to the people on it…
Well, bigger you are, harder you fall, eh?
Tatsumichi slipped the pistol outta his pocket. His finger tap-tapped against the side of it a couplea times. Then he walked inside, makin’ sure to take a big step over the dried-up blood lingerin’ on the doorstep.
Okay.
Phew.
He was, uh…
Nah, he was… he was good, he was okay, he was, eh, hangin’ in there. Just a little, whew, lil lightheaded was all. Felt like he was starin’ up at some kinda ogre or giant or somethin’, ready to swing its club down an’ squash him flat into onea his favourite seafood pancakes. Weren’t like he hadn’t seen tall buildings an’ stuff like that before or anything, jus’ that, man, everythin’ had really caught up to him all at once, y’know? The lacka sleep, the lacka human interaction that was kinda drivin’ him insane, the pressure an’ expectations he’d put upon himself, allof it had just hit him simontaneously.
The smella blood on the breeze, still present, sure hadn’t helped matters either.
But he hadn’t blacked out - least, he didn’t think he had - and he definitely hadn’t puked all over his shoes neither. He sure wouldn’t have blamed himself one tiny bit if he’d done either of those things, mind, don’t you go thinkin’ that. Just that, eh, he was really not at his best rightabout now, an’ takin’ into account that he hadn’t gone an’ done the totally reasonable thing, that was some damn good evidence that he was still gonna be able to stand up tall when it mattered most, an’ keep a cool head when everythin’ around him was fallin’ to pieces.
He was bound to run into a dead body sooner or later, y’know? Hell of a thing to think about, but that was the reality he was livin’ in rightabout now. There was definitely somethin’ real bad lurkin’ inside this tower, after all. It wasn’t gonna get anymore fun, the more he ran inta stuff like this, but the longer it took ‘fore he witnessed firsthand exactly what this island was doin’ to the people on it…
Well, bigger you are, harder you fall, eh?
Tatsumichi slipped the pistol outta his pocket. His finger tap-tapped against the side of it a couplea times. Then he walked inside, makin’ sure to take a big step over the dried-up blood lingerin’ on the doorstep.
Tadakatsu nodded, taking in the weight of what Yuichiro said. Tendou and Niida. He'd killed them both. So he knew what it was like.
"I... I killed Minami," he said. He had to squeeze the words out, because he wanted to keep them bottled up. Didn't want to say them out loud because then they'd be true and he'd never be able to take them back. "I was... I was aiming my crossbow at some other people, and she snuck up behind me and scared me, and I... I shot her in the back. She was running away, and I shot her... and then she was laying there, begging for help, and I just... I just stood there. Some girls pulled a gun on me and told me to help her, and I just... I just froze up, and I couldn't do anything. I just watched her bleed out. Every time I close my eyes, I see her lying there, and it just... it's tearing me apart, inside."
He held the cigarette out, and watched it bloom into flame. He didn't take a drag, just watched the glowing orange bit gnaw away at the white paper, slowly consuming it and eating it all up from inside.
When he spoke again, he was still looking at the cigarette, because it made it easier to say what he needed to say. "I killed her 'cause I was scared of dying. But when I was looking at her, I just... I hated myself so much. I hated myself for being that weak. I didn't try to save anybody, I just... I just gave up, and I shot a girl in cold blood... what kind of man does that? How can I ever look myself in the mirror? How would the guys on the team look at me if they knew what a miserable bastard I was on the inside?"
He clenched his teeth, trying to hold it together, trying not to cry, trying not to look like a total wimp, but failing at all of that. Failing at everything. "I killed her because I was scared to die. And now I don't wanna kill anybody else. Nobody except myself. But... But I'm not even brave enough to do that..."
He broke into tears. The cigarette trembled violently in his fingers, and then fell from them. It fell right off the lighthouse, falling and falling through space, getting smaller and smaller until even the glow was lost.
"I... I killed Minami," he said. He had to squeeze the words out, because he wanted to keep them bottled up. Didn't want to say them out loud because then they'd be true and he'd never be able to take them back. "I was... I was aiming my crossbow at some other people, and she snuck up behind me and scared me, and I... I shot her in the back. She was running away, and I shot her... and then she was laying there, begging for help, and I just... I just stood there. Some girls pulled a gun on me and told me to help her, and I just... I just froze up, and I couldn't do anything. I just watched her bleed out. Every time I close my eyes, I see her lying there, and it just... it's tearing me apart, inside."
He held the cigarette out, and watched it bloom into flame. He didn't take a drag, just watched the glowing orange bit gnaw away at the white paper, slowly consuming it and eating it all up from inside.
When he spoke again, he was still looking at the cigarette, because it made it easier to say what he needed to say. "I killed her 'cause I was scared of dying. But when I was looking at her, I just... I hated myself so much. I hated myself for being that weak. I didn't try to save anybody, I just... I just gave up, and I shot a girl in cold blood... what kind of man does that? How can I ever look myself in the mirror? How would the guys on the team look at me if they knew what a miserable bastard I was on the inside?"
He clenched his teeth, trying to hold it together, trying not to cry, trying not to look like a total wimp, but failing at all of that. Failing at everything. "I killed her because I was scared to die. And now I don't wanna kill anybody else. Nobody except myself. But... But I'm not even brave enough to do that..."
He broke into tears. The cigarette trembled violently in his fingers, and then fell from them. It fell right off the lighthouse, falling and falling through space, getting smaller and smaller until even the glow was lost.
“Hey,”
Yuichiro took Tadakatsu’s trembling hand in his own and stared into his weeping eyes, while his own stayed dry.
“it’s ok, Katsu-kun. You don’t have to do it alone.”
It was OK. He was worse than Katsu-kun, but his best friend needed his help. Even if he had killed someone, Yuichiro knew that Katsu was a good person. He would never do this under normal circumstances, and no-one should think any less of him for it. Even if he couldn’t help anyone, he could still try. Katsu was worth trying.
“I can-“
A realisation. His heart skipped a little, because he was holding Katsu’s hand. Something he had thought about late at night when curled up under the futon, but always questioned. Denied. It was nice, even if it was a little awkward. But it was nice.
“I can help you.”
He smiled back at him. It was nice to be able to say those words, and maybe even believe them for a second. Katsu had that effect on him, he supposed. He walked around to the railing, looking out into the great sea that carried away on forever. Seagulls cried out from somewhere far away. His small fingers squeezed Tadakatsu’s.
“We can both die together.”
Yuichiro took Tadakatsu’s trembling hand in his own and stared into his weeping eyes, while his own stayed dry.
“it’s ok, Katsu-kun. You don’t have to do it alone.”
It was OK. He was worse than Katsu-kun, but his best friend needed his help. Even if he had killed someone, Yuichiro knew that Katsu was a good person. He would never do this under normal circumstances, and no-one should think any less of him for it. Even if he couldn’t help anyone, he could still try. Katsu was worth trying.
“I can-“
A realisation. His heart skipped a little, because he was holding Katsu’s hand. Something he had thought about late at night when curled up under the futon, but always questioned. Denied. It was nice, even if it was a little awkward. But it was nice.
“I can help you.”
He smiled back at him. It was nice to be able to say those words, and maybe even believe them for a second. Katsu had that effect on him, he supposed. He walked around to the railing, looking out into the great sea that carried away on forever. Seagulls cried out from somewhere far away. His small fingers squeezed Tadakatsu’s.
“We can both die together.”
Tadakatsu looked down at the hand clutching his own. He squeezed back, grateful to have even this small bit of contact. Grateful to know that he wasn't alone in all of this.
"You'd... you'd really do that? Are you sure?"
He swallowed hard, and wiped the tears and snot away with his free hand. "I... I don't want you to... to d-do it... if you don't wanna. You can just... p-push me, or something."
"You'd... you'd really do that? Are you sure?"
He swallowed hard, and wiped the tears and snot away with his free hand. "I... I don't want you to... to d-do it... if you don't wanna. You can just... p-push me, or something."
“Hey, Katsu-kun.”
He grabbed his best friend’s hand with his still free one. The returned squeeze had been a warm invitation, as they looked over the edge of fate.
“Remember that time the Kiriyama family accidentally locked me in the sports shed after school? And the next morning, you came in early for practice and found me?”
He had been a mess that day. He thought that it was just a prank that had gone out of hand, but he had still been locked in there overnight. His mom had been worried sick. That had made him feel so guilty, especially as she wept over the phone when he told her he was OK. She had already had one man in her life vanish, after all.
“And you told me not to cry, because it was embarrassing. And you helped me get breakfast, and you kept an eye on me for a week so it wouldn’t happen again.”
Suddenly, his eyes were wet. Huh, he didn’t realise he still had any tears to shed.
“Well, it’s just, ever since then, I, well….”
He looked at Katsu, straight in the eye. His rough knuckles felt so comforting in his hands. He hoped he wouldn’t have to let go ever again.
“I…um, I….”
He swallowed.
“I lo-“
Words caught. But what the heck, he was about to die anyway.
“I really love you, Katsu-kun.
“And if you’re ok with that, even if it is a guy like me, and we can die together right now, then that would make me really happy.”
He grabbed his best friend’s hand with his still free one. The returned squeeze had been a warm invitation, as they looked over the edge of fate.
“Remember that time the Kiriyama family accidentally locked me in the sports shed after school? And the next morning, you came in early for practice and found me?”
He had been a mess that day. He thought that it was just a prank that had gone out of hand, but he had still been locked in there overnight. His mom had been worried sick. That had made him feel so guilty, especially as she wept over the phone when he told her he was OK. She had already had one man in her life vanish, after all.
“And you told me not to cry, because it was embarrassing. And you helped me get breakfast, and you kept an eye on me for a week so it wouldn’t happen again.”
Suddenly, his eyes were wet. Huh, he didn’t realise he still had any tears to shed.
“Well, it’s just, ever since then, I, well….”
He looked at Katsu, straight in the eye. His rough knuckles felt so comforting in his hands. He hoped he wouldn’t have to let go ever again.
“I…um, I….”
He swallowed.
“I lo-“
Words caught. But what the heck, he was about to die anyway.
“I really love you, Katsu-kun.
“And if you’re ok with that, even if it is a guy like me, and we can die together right now, then that would make me really happy.”
Geez... he'd forgotten all about that incident with the sports shed. It should have made him feel better to remember times like those, but in a way it almost made him feel worse. I used to be someone who helped people, and now I'm someone who'd kill, he thought. He didn't deserve to be praised for doing something that anybody would do. He definitely didn't deserve to be loved for it.
"Yuichiro..."
He didn't know what to say. Tadakatsu didn't swing that way, but did it even matter? In a minute or two, nothing would matter ever again, not for either of them.
"I'm okay with that. I... I wish I'd known sooner."
Again, he didn't swing that way. But it would have been nice to let Yuichiro down gently, to be there for him and help him figure things out, as a friend. He felt bad that Yuichiro had been feeling this way for however long and hadn't felt comfortable talking about it. It would have been nice to know this side of him, to know what was really going on. Just one more thing he'd missed out on in life. Shit, all of this was unfair.
He wasn't gay, but that didn't matter. Yuichiro deserved better than him. Better than all of this. If his buddy was gonna go out, Tadakatsu wanted him to go out feeling happy, and feeling loved. It might not be the whole truth, but wasn't it better to be kind, just this once? To at least try?
He held tightly onto Yuichiro's hand, and climbed up, over the rail. Hooked his arm around it so he wouldn't fall yet, and planted his heels on the thin lip of the lighthouse. He faced the sky, with the wind on his face and the rail at his back and a whole lot of nothing beneath his toes.
"I'd be honored to go out together with you, buddy. Come on over here, and we'll go together."
"Yuichiro..."
He didn't know what to say. Tadakatsu didn't swing that way, but did it even matter? In a minute or two, nothing would matter ever again, not for either of them.
"I'm okay with that. I... I wish I'd known sooner."
Again, he didn't swing that way. But it would have been nice to let Yuichiro down gently, to be there for him and help him figure things out, as a friend. He felt bad that Yuichiro had been feeling this way for however long and hadn't felt comfortable talking about it. It would have been nice to know this side of him, to know what was really going on. Just one more thing he'd missed out on in life. Shit, all of this was unfair.
He wasn't gay, but that didn't matter. Yuichiro deserved better than him. Better than all of this. If his buddy was gonna go out, Tadakatsu wanted him to go out feeling happy, and feeling loved. It might not be the whole truth, but wasn't it better to be kind, just this once? To at least try?
He held tightly onto Yuichiro's hand, and climbed up, over the rail. Hooked his arm around it so he wouldn't fall yet, and planted his heels on the thin lip of the lighthouse. He faced the sky, with the wind on his face and the rail at his back and a whole lot of nothing beneath his toes.
"I'd be honored to go out together with you, buddy. Come on over here, and we'll go together."
-
Pippi
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So, eh, what did Tatsumichi know ‘bout Sho Tsukioka?
‘Bout as much as anyone else in his class did, he ‘sposed. Guy had been parta the gang led by that Kiriyama guy, an’ by virtue of that alone, everyone had recommended he stay the hellaway from ‘im. An’ Tatsu had done so, though less by his own personal choice, more that the path of the soccer team didn’t really cross that of a buncha delinquents; an’ when they did, they didn’t really have much beef with each other, yeah? Classes with ‘im, passin’ by him in the halls, seein’ him smokin’ behind the bike sheds when he thought nobody was watchin’. That was bout it.
Oh right, shit, yeah, an’ he was supposed to be totally gay or somethin’. Tatsu’d never been able to tell if that was true, or if it was just some rumour folks’d made up about him. He’d heard that sorta thing all the time, back at his old school. Easiest jibes in the world to make, y’know? Big nasty school bully was totally actually into dudes, that sorta thing, eh? He’d laughed along with them jokes, once or twice. Maybe that weren’t the right sorta thing to have done, he knew, he knew. Least, he knew now. An’ that had to count for somethin’, yeah?
Anyway, he was die gressin’.
Sho was part of a gang and he mighta been into guys. An’ that was all. Exact same sorta thing a total stranger to the school coulda found it after boutta minute, walk up to the first guy you see an’ ask ‘Hey, what’s Sho Tsukioka’s deal?’ No clue what kinda movies he liked, or what hobbies he was interested in, or how well he was doin’ on his schoolwork. Nada.
An’ now he was dead. Real, properly dead. Blood was only just startin’ to dry. The dead couldn’t tell him nothin’, that was why it was so important to make bonds with the guys around you when you could. Now he could only rely on other people to give ‘im info on Sho Tsukioka, an’, well, number of people he had left to ask was… man. Yeah.
Tatsumichi wasn’t lookin’ at Sho’s body right now. He’d already climbed that mountain, made sure he knew exactly who the guy was. Didn’t need to do more’n that. Maybe the more corpses he saw the most his stomach’d get all settled like to ‘em. Still left his head, though, and Tatsu doubted that parta him would ever get used to this sight, y’know?
He’d said a couple words. Mumbled ‘em, really. Never been a religious guy, eh, an’ that hadn’t changed in the span ofa couplea minutes. Honestly, he hadn’t really known exactly what he’d been tryin’ to say. He’d just, eh, thought it right to say somethin’. Hopin’ it’d help, in some kinda manner.
He breathed in, through his mouth, outta his nose. Then he started climbin’ the stairs, one at a time.
‘Bout as much as anyone else in his class did, he ‘sposed. Guy had been parta the gang led by that Kiriyama guy, an’ by virtue of that alone, everyone had recommended he stay the hellaway from ‘im. An’ Tatsu had done so, though less by his own personal choice, more that the path of the soccer team didn’t really cross that of a buncha delinquents; an’ when they did, they didn’t really have much beef with each other, yeah? Classes with ‘im, passin’ by him in the halls, seein’ him smokin’ behind the bike sheds when he thought nobody was watchin’. That was bout it.
Oh right, shit, yeah, an’ he was supposed to be totally gay or somethin’. Tatsu’d never been able to tell if that was true, or if it was just some rumour folks’d made up about him. He’d heard that sorta thing all the time, back at his old school. Easiest jibes in the world to make, y’know? Big nasty school bully was totally actually into dudes, that sorta thing, eh? He’d laughed along with them jokes, once or twice. Maybe that weren’t the right sorta thing to have done, he knew, he knew. Least, he knew now. An’ that had to count for somethin’, yeah?
Anyway, he was die gressin’.
Sho was part of a gang and he mighta been into guys. An’ that was all. Exact same sorta thing a total stranger to the school coulda found it after boutta minute, walk up to the first guy you see an’ ask ‘Hey, what’s Sho Tsukioka’s deal?’ No clue what kinda movies he liked, or what hobbies he was interested in, or how well he was doin’ on his schoolwork. Nada.
An’ now he was dead. Real, properly dead. Blood was only just startin’ to dry. The dead couldn’t tell him nothin’, that was why it was so important to make bonds with the guys around you when you could. Now he could only rely on other people to give ‘im info on Sho Tsukioka, an’, well, number of people he had left to ask was… man. Yeah.
Tatsumichi wasn’t lookin’ at Sho’s body right now. He’d already climbed that mountain, made sure he knew exactly who the guy was. Didn’t need to do more’n that. Maybe the more corpses he saw the most his stomach’d get all settled like to ‘em. Still left his head, though, and Tatsu doubted that parta him would ever get used to this sight, y’know?
He’d said a couple words. Mumbled ‘em, really. Never been a religious guy, eh, an’ that hadn’t changed in the span ofa couplea minutes. Honestly, he hadn’t really known exactly what he’d been tryin’ to say. He’d just, eh, thought it right to say somethin’. Hopin’ it’d help, in some kinda manner.
He breathed in, through his mouth, outta his nose. Then he started climbin’ the stairs, one at a time.
Tears were flowing freely. Was this really happening? Katsu-kun wasn’t turning him away, calling him a weirdo or a fairy for feeling like that? Never in his wildest dreams had he believed that someone so kind and strong, but with such a soft centre that he tried to hide all the time, would actually let him feel this way towards him.
He would’ve wiped his face on his sleeve, but he refused to let go of the hand in his, as if it would slip away forever if he did so. He imagined what might’ve been, a life where the two of them could hang out more, keep holding hands, maybe even, ki-
He gulped. The temptation to reach up and rub his head appeared, a nervous laughter escaping his throat like an idiot. Probably the last laugh he’d ever have. But he was glad he could have one, even if he didn’t deserve it. Even if he didn’t deserve any of this kindness. Maybe there was some shred of mercy for a waste of a murderer like him. Redemption in death, and all that.
He climbed over the balcony. It was hard while holding on to Katsu’s hand, because the railing came up high on his body, and his eyes were blurry from the tears. He did it with great care, even if he was about to jump off anyway, because they were doing this together. Somehow despite being a klutz, he managed it. His free arm hooked around the railing, mirroring his best friend. He looked out at the horizon, his necktie headband billowing behind him in the wind.
He tried to place this scene to one of his manga, but it didn’t exist. It was theirs and theirs alone, now, and forever.
He inhaled, still savouring the warmth of Tadakatsu’s hand. He wanted to keep it there until the end.
“OK, I’m ready.”
He would’ve wiped his face on his sleeve, but he refused to let go of the hand in his, as if it would slip away forever if he did so. He imagined what might’ve been, a life where the two of them could hang out more, keep holding hands, maybe even, ki-
He gulped. The temptation to reach up and rub his head appeared, a nervous laughter escaping his throat like an idiot. Probably the last laugh he’d ever have. But he was glad he could have one, even if he didn’t deserve it. Even if he didn’t deserve any of this kindness. Maybe there was some shred of mercy for a waste of a murderer like him. Redemption in death, and all that.
He climbed over the balcony. It was hard while holding on to Katsu’s hand, because the railing came up high on his body, and his eyes were blurry from the tears. He did it with great care, even if he was about to jump off anyway, because they were doing this together. Somehow despite being a klutz, he managed it. His free arm hooked around the railing, mirroring his best friend. He looked out at the horizon, his necktie headband billowing behind him in the wind.
He tried to place this scene to one of his manga, but it didn’t exist. It was theirs and theirs alone, now, and forever.
He inhaled, still savouring the warmth of Tadakatsu’s hand. He wanted to keep it there until the end.
“OK, I’m ready.”
Tadakatsu took a deep breath, and leaned forward a little bit. All he had to do now was unhook his arm, and then there'd be a bit of a rush, and it'd be over. All the fear, all of the dread, all of the guilt... it'd all just evaporate.
"Okay," he said. His heart was beginning to race. They'd have to do this quick, before he changed his mind. Before he wussed out and gave in to the fear and climbed back over the rail. He looked down. Shit. They were so high up. It was only gonna hurt for a second. Just for a second. This would be better than getting shot or stabbed, better than lying in the dirt like Kaori, bleeding out slow while everybody stood there and watched. He just had to have the guts to let go.
He gripped Yuichiro's hand tight, and forced a brave smile onto his face. "We'll do this on the count of three, okay?"
"Okay," he said. His heart was beginning to race. They'd have to do this quick, before he changed his mind. Before he wussed out and gave in to the fear and climbed back over the rail. He looked down. Shit. They were so high up. It was only gonna hurt for a second. Just for a second. This would be better than getting shot or stabbed, better than lying in the dirt like Kaori, bleeding out slow while everybody stood there and watched. He just had to have the guts to let go.
He gripped Yuichiro's hand tight, and forced a brave smile onto his face. "We'll do this on the count of three, okay?"
“OK.”
Yuichiro smiled back, maybe the first genuine smile since he’d woken up in that classroom so long ago. He didn’t need to look down. He didn’t want to take his eyes off of Katsu-kun. Not now, not ever.
“One.”
What could have been
“Two.”
if he had been honest sooner?
“Three.”
He released his arm.
Yuichiro smiled back, maybe the first genuine smile since he’d woken up in that classroom so long ago. He didn’t need to look down. He didn’t want to take his eyes off of Katsu-kun. Not now, not ever.
“One.”
What could have been
“Two.”
if he had been honest sooner?
“Three.”
He released his arm.