What position would your kid play in Basketball?

[The Honeless Beard]

Gimme a kid on Mini and I'll read that kid's profile on Mini and let you know what position they'd play in the sport of Basketball.


EXPLANATIONS:
Stat lines follow this fomula:
Points - Rebounds - Assists.

Positions are:
1 - Point Guard - Person who brings the ball up the court, the main distributor of the ball
2 - Shooting Guard - High scoring position, plays on the outside, good shooter
3 - Small Forward - Usually a middling tall position, plays both inside and outside, a diverse player who's usually the best defender
4 - Power Forward - second tallest position, usually a defensive minded position with good footwork who plays in the 'paint' - around the rim.
5 - Center - Sometimes referred to as a 'rim protector', usually the tallest and sometimes least athletic member of the team. Primary rebounder and defender.

[Namira]

Keiji Tanaka

[MurderWeasel]

Ooh, can you do Karen from TV1?

[Ohm]

Derrick Thomson

[Yonagoda]

Makaria Wang

[DerArknight]

Fabiano would be interesting (okay, he is the only choice anyway).

[The Honeless Beard]

Keiji Tanaka

Scouting Report: Keiji is 6'3" and is in great shape, with some Soccer, swimming, and skating dalliances meaning his footwork for a 6'3" guy is probably godly. With his general energy and love with fast-pace scoring, we're also going to assume his handle developed quickly - being a good footwork guy with a decent handle allows Keiji to both slash towards the bucket as well as work around screens.

Analysis: Keiji probably started off as a 2, but anyone with eyes quickly put him at the 1 position to exploit mismatches on both offense and defense, as Keiji is taller than most other point guards on the court. Keiji's passing improved dramatically throughout his first few high school seasons, allowing his most deadly play - the slash-and-kick - to flourish as his handle improved.

Signature Shot: Keiji definitely perfected the fallaway jumper, likely seeking out the shortest defender on the court with screens and switches and just sticking 17 and 15 footers over them.

Standard statline: 18-8-9 with two blocks and likely 3-5 fouls per game. Keiji will get everyone involved and pull down some long 3 pointer rebounds, but likely isn't the highest scorer on the court.

[The Honeless Beard]

Ooh, can you do Karen from TV1?

Scouting Report: Karen's on the shorter side and the slender side, but soccer helps her here with her speed and endurance. She's also somewhat standoffish and quiet, meaning that she's somewhat of an X factor that likely doesn't form chemistry with her teammates. She doesn't shoot the ball often, and when she does it's a desperation high pressure shot that clanks off the side of the backboard. Where she makes her bones is her defense, being low to the ground allows her to swipe at the ball some.

Analysis: Karen is easily a 3rd string point guard, so we're sticking her at the one. She likely doesn't see much court time unless the 2nd and 1st string players get into foul trouble or there's a desperate situation. The one place Karen shines is her free throws - her work ethic and the quiet, alone nature of free throws resulted in her making them at an elite level.

Signature shot: A drive to the bucket that will in no way make it but will result in getting fouled, sending Karen to the line to grab 2 easy points.

Standard statline: 6-0-1 with 1 steal and fouling out in her 6th minute of play. Karen's automatic from the line, but otherwise doesn't bring a lot to the table.

[The Honeless Beard]

Derrick Thomson

Scouting Report: Derrick, while very undersized, was born to be sort of the enforcer and heart of the team. Though Derrick doesn't have a lot of athleticsm, he's fully invested in strategy as well as scouting the other team, and knows the team's playbook by heart. He works hard to have chemistry with his teammates and is often the one hauling a teammate to their feet after a fall or speaking to referees when he feels a call went the wrong way.

Analysis: Derrick likely benefits from positionless basketball, but we'll slot him in at a bench player and earmark him for a 2 or a 3. Derrick can probably work out okay on the layup line and shoots an ok free throw, but his real game is likely being a shotcaller and communicator on defense where he works hard to figure out what the other team is running.

Signature shot: A bank-shot in the paint that goes off the backboard and in.

Standard statline: 4-3-2 and a takeway from intercepting a pass. Unathletic, but likely developed a sense of where the opposing team is going with the play and can work to express that to his teammates.

[The Honeless Beard]

Makaria Wang

Scouting Report: At 5'8 and 130, Makaria can only really occupy an outside position on the court, and lacks a lot of decision making guts that are needed to be a primary ball handler. His hand-eye coordination and dexterity, however, allows him to flourish when around the basket making finger-roll layups and jumpshots, making him one of the more consistent scoring threats. If the first few shots don't go in for Makaria, however, he tends to collapse, often passing open looks and frustrating his team.

Analysis: Makaria has a decent body size for a point guard, but we'll slot him in at the 2 because Makaria likely is a catch-and-shoot guy - takes the open pass and chucks a shot immediately. Makaria works best with open shots from the corner or around the rim, and doesn't have the handles or speed to close distances or work on pick and rolls, usually needing the perfect play drawn up for him to be productive. This lack of decision making ability and Basketball IQ, coupled with the lack of confidence if the night isn't going his way, results in him being a third scoring option, maybe even the fourth.

Signature shot: Lightning-quick jumpshot with a high release from the 3 point line, almost as soon as the ball touches his hands.

Standard statline: On an on-night: 21-3-4. On an off-night: 3-0-0. In both cases, a poor defender.

[The Honeless Beard]

Fabiano would be interesting (okay, he is the only choice anyway).

Scouting Report: Fabiano is 6' tall and a very sturdy 165, earmarking him for the best defensive candidate we have so far. Decent jumper due to his rock-climbing abilities and likely very good at going for contested rebounds and blocking shots. Is a bit of a loner, so likely hasn't found chemistry with any of his pass-first teammates but makes up for it by being a solid rock defensively. Is athletic enough to pull off some decent dunks and low-post moves, but isn't a reliable scorer as his outside game has struggled.

Analysis: Fabiano normally wouldn't be tall enough for the position, but in high school basketball things get more wiggly. He's slotted in at the 3 as a small forward, and is the most diverse defensive player on the court, able to guard any of the positions 1 through 4. He probably worked on his hook shot all summer long and because of his patience and determination, is a high percentage free throw shooter.

Signature shot: Turn-around hook shot with an elbow out to push the defender away.

Standard statline: 12-11-1 with 2 blocks

[Primrosette]

Here you go, Naft!

Tiny Sterling

[Wham Yubeesling]

Verity Stewart, because you apparently think she can somehow beat people who are actually physically fit in a game of basketball.

[Lilith]

i guess pippi

[Kermit]

i may not know anything about basketball but what i do know is i like adding to naft's workload so talk about luanne or i'll cry