A Minute To Breathe

[Shiola]

It wasn’t too cool up on the roof, but Erika shivered nonetheless. She’d come up to the top of the hotel to clear her head; the curfew was still a short time away and there didn’t seem to be anyone up on the patio. She had no issue with her roommates, but it was getting a bit too loud in the room and her mind was a cacophony enough.

Thoughts had been creeping into her mind lately. Nothing she wasn’t used to fending off; the inevitability of death, the failure of the human race to get its shit together and make sure there was something left of the planet for the future. The feeling like every problem she could see in the world was somehow her responsibility, because too many people were willing to give up when things felt impossible. She liked to think she wouldn’t. Or at least, would try her best.

Yet here she sat, ruminating on problems with no solutions. There were a collection of mantras in her mind she used to fight off these kinds of thoughts.

No one lives forever. We were never meant to.

I didn’t exist before I was born, and that doesn’t seem to bother me much.

I’m fine with other altered states of being and consciousness. Why should death be any different?

My real concern is how to live, not how to die.

Smarter people than me are spending more of their lives than I am trying to save us all. I can only do my best.

It’s better to go down fighting than to give up.

Fuck, why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t she just spend quiet time alone like she used to? There were a few good years as a kid where none of this stuff seemed to bother her. She almost never thought of it, or she possessed enough magical thinking to be optimistic about the nature of reality. No amount of psychedelics was going to convince her that reality was fungible and intangible, as much as she wanted it to be. Erika envied the religious, because it seemed like they at least had some way of putting this terrible part of their minds at ease.

No they don’t. Look how they act.

It was easy enough throughout the day to shut her brain off and just enjoy the trip, but now that she had time to think her brain wanted to latch onto anything that seemed to be a problem. That was how anxiety worked, after all – the effect came first, and found itself a cause. If there was nothing, she’d get existential. If there was something, she’d rant to a classmate about how Washington D.C. was a microcosm of everything that was wrong with their country.

Goddamnit, let’s take like fifty percent off. Dial it back. Can I do that? Is that even possible?

She sighed, and untied her bandana, shaking her hair out and re-tying it. A little reset. That was another thing she’d learned about anxiety – it was never one big, complicated sequence of actions and thoughts that brought her back to ground level. It was simple things, like taking a walk up to the roof and taking a minute to breathe. To just unload every stress while staring at the sky and hope it floated out and away from her.

Then she could think about what was going right. The things that felt okay, that she’d embrace despite the darkness in her mind that kept reminding her it was all only temporary.

People loved her. She had friends. Her parents never gave up on her. It was hard to remember being anyone but herself, now.

Someone had fallen in love with her. For all his faults, she loved him back. Neither of them ever thought that would happen, for different reasons. Despite each of them finding dark places in each other, she still believed in him and he still believed in her.

”I’m just like him, aren’t I? What the hell is wrong with me? It’s not punishment, or justice, or revenge. It’s just cruel.”

He didn’t have to be. She knew that better than anyone.

”How can you even think about our future? The whole world is falling apart. Nothing feels real anymore. What is there to hope for?”

There was always a way out, no matter how bad things got. It was always worth fighting back. He knew that better than anyone.

She pulled her cardigan close to her body, and looked out on the city. She smiled a bit at the thought of the Potomac rising and swallowing the whole thing. Faintly, she heard the sound of the door to the stairwell opening and a set of slow footsteps.

Turning to the source of the sound, she was confronted with a face she knew – though she couldn’t say it felt exactly familiar. To say they ran in different social circles was something of an understatement. Catching his eye, she offered a wave half-covered by the sleeve of her cardigan.

“Hey there, Lorenzen.”

[Cactus]

"Erika, oh - hey. I didn't reckon anyone else'd be up here."

Indeed, he had not. On this evening - the very last of the George Hunter High School senior trip to Washington DC, Connor Lorenzen had been banking on the fact that very few of the students had even realized that the roof was accessible. He'd slipped out, shooting his shot and hoping for the best. All he'd been hoping for was a few minutes of solitude, a few moments to collect his thoughts and not be around the people he'd spent most of the last four years both getting to know, purposefully avoiding and everything in between.

He supposed there could have been worse people to find up here, so instead of retreating, he stepped out of the rooftop staircase and shut the door behind him.

((CONNOR LORENZEN TRIP START))

By all accounts, the senior trip had been a success. Washington DC had been an enjoyable diversion, a nice way to leave all of the stress and madness of the end of the school year behind. Connor had actually allowed himself to have fun with some of his classmates, seeing the museums and not thinking about the upcoming heady journey that he was about to have at the culmination of the summer; moving across the country and leaving home to really start his football career in earnest. The week itself had left him somewhat nostalgic, looking back fondly at the times that he'd enjoyed - the victories, the battles, the crazy parties and the quiet nights in with just a few friends. They'd all been a part of the whole of his high school experience and it was a little surreal that it was all coming to an end. Of course, before any story could end, the characters within it always dealt with some sort of major conflict, the fallout of which made up the story's denouement.

Since prom, Connor had started to wonder if the conflict was ever going to stop.

Making his way over to the picnic table that was set up close to the corner of the roof, Connor found himself scanning his brain to remember how Erika had entered his orbit over the years. If he recalled correctly, she was involved with photography around the school. At one point or another, she'd been at the sidelines at a few of their games, snapping action shots for the paper. Or had it been for a school project? He couldn't remember. His own photo had ended up on the walls at George Hunter High School so many times that he barely noticed it anymore.

In the more recent months, he'd seen her hanging about with Tyrell Lahti, someone whose presence he was conscious of, for all of the wrong reasons. When one ran afoul of Ivy Langley, one tended to run afoul of the Carters as well, and when the two of them had shown up to practice having obviously been in a scrap, it hadn't taken Connor all that long to get the full story out of them. Since then, he'd kept an eye open whenever Tyrell was around, half wondering if he'd need to play peacekeeper to try and avoid keeping one of his friends out of trouble.

As it had turned out, his friends were more than capable of finding trouble on their own.

Grimacing slightly at his recollection of the utter debacle that had been prom, Connor pushed the thought away and focused his attention once more on the lone girl sitting on the roof.

"I'm not botherin' you, am I? I can always find some other place, if I am." Connor smiled a friendly smile. "Though I'm sure y'all know it's a bit of a madhouse down there."

[Shiola]

“Nah, it’s all good.”

She turned from the railing and sat on the ground near the picnic table, leaning up against the concrete barrier of the rooftop.

“I was just starting to get a bit lonesome up here. I think I came up to get away from the loud folks downstairs and then realized I didn’t actually wanna be completely alone, heh.”

Connor was good people, at least if she didn’t think about it too much. One of those football kids who had a big-deal family, a nice car, and a strangely level head on his shoulders. The kind of person who’d go places pretty well no matter what, and regardless of whether or not he even wanted to. Despite the visceral instinct to dislike somebody with that much money and that much Good Ol’ Boy in him, Erika couldn’t help but think of him as a decent enough guy.

Besides, I live like what, three blocks away? I can’t really talk down to anyone about Dad-money when I’ve got a fucking trust fund.

More than anything, she was genuinely glad someone had come along to drag her out of her head. Whatever reason Connor had for being up here, it was probably something worth talking about, or at least listening to. She was good at that – probably better than most. When people did speak to her, they always were surprised to find she had some pretty good advice, or so they said. It made her regret not really opening up to people sooner.

Well, high school’s about figuring stuff out, right?

“So what’s got you wistfully sauntering all the way up here, dude?”

[Cactus]

Connor flipped Erika a thumbs-up at her acceptance of his company. That was cool - while he'd come up to clear his head, shooting the breeze with someone who wasn't in his immediate social circle might actually be a a breath - or a breeze, if you'd rather - of fresh air. Smirking as he walked over and sat on the picnic table, he sat on the bench, legs pointed away from the table and using the flat surface as a back-rest. Stretching his arms and yawning, Connor looked down at her. As of late, any of the conversations that he'd had with anyone seemed to circulate around prom and the aftermath of it. Bret and Ivy's breakup had been relatively interesting news, particularly after the prom king and queen dance, and so Connor himself had been faced with a myriad of questions as to whether or not he'd had anything to do with it.

Which naturally, hadn't made Madison all that happy, either.

The reality was far worse than that, but the whole debacle had put a real damper on the last few weeks. He had tried incredibly hard not to choose sides - these were two of his closest friends, and he hated seeing them remotely at odds. Things, as far as he could tell, had calmed down a little, but it was evident that once word had filtered through the grapevine, his 'choice' room of Bret, Wyatt and Ace had suddenly been three-quarters that. No doubt it had been Coach Oppenheimer's doing. As he looked up at the clear Washington sky, Connor wondered who'd filled him him. Max Rudolph was known to him, of course - the baseball team didn't have the prestige that the football or basketball teams did at George Hunter - but Connor had always seen him as a bit of an oddball. Nonetheless, he'd worked out as a roommate and it hadn't lead to any melees between the brothers Carter.

"We've been chumming around with our high school classmates for an entire week", Connor quipped, "can y'all really blame a guy for needin' to get a few quiet minutes away from 'em?"

He smiled that practiced, winning smile - but drew it back a bit after a second, rolling his eyes almost at himself.

"Naw, they're not so bad." Another pause and he let his expression slip a little more. This had all been wearing on him a bit more than he'd gathered. "Except when they are."

Stretching his neck out, he made a gentle presumption.

"What about you, anyone in particular y'all are lookin' to get some distance from? Or just ready to get back home?"

[Shiola]

Connor's question caused Erika to bite her tongue, both literally and figuratively. There was one person in particular she wasn't sure she could stand to be around, and had only really discovered this quality later on in the trip. She'd casually asked what Ty was going to be up to with his friends, and caught a strange vibe from him when he'd deflected the question. They both knew he was terrible at hiding the truth from her, though she'd dearly wished he had.

I always knew there was something off with that guy.

There was not a chance in hell Erika wanted to be anywhere near Lorenzo Tavares, regardless of how frightened he might've been of her boyfriend. Ty had told her what happened between them in the same breath he'd floated the idea of making his misadventures public knowledge - an idea which she'd promptly shot down. She knew enough cops to know that they couldn't really make that kind of complaint on someone's behalf, on hearsay. Making it public wouldn't help Artem, it'd just hurt Lorenzo. It was easy to see Ty's thinking, insofar as he thought people like Lorenzo should be punished for what they did - who didn't think that? - but this wasn't the way. Artem was going to have to go to the authorities on his own, if he had the strength to.

But just because we're keeping this shit on the D/L doesn't mean I have to put up with the fucker.

She figured on answering with at least a grain of truth.

"I don't get along with one of Ty's friends, and I'm kinda partied out by this point. So like, I just figured I'd come up here and clear my head, I need a bit of a reset. Like, it's kind of all hitting at once - high school's just about over, everyone's talking about where they're headed and whatnot. I think I've told the story about how I'm going to Freiuniversitat Berlin like ten times now because everybody keeps asking. Plus Ty and I have like a billion plans for the summer that he gets all excited talking about and like, fuck I kinda just wanna enjoy the moment?"

Erika rolled her eyes, once again catching herself on a ramble. Catching a glance at Connor, she got the distinct sense that something was preoccupying him. Thinking back, she tossed his own words back to him.

"I'd say don't get me started but - yeah. So uhh... 'Except when they are' huh?"

[Cactus]

Connor found himself nodding along as Erika's exasperation with a number of things poured out of her all at once. The first bit was intriguing - he couldn't imagine that the company Tyrell kept was all that agreeable at the best of times. When he'd heard of the encounter between the Carters and Tyrell, he hadn't been all that surprised that the tall boy had lashed out, nor that he'd been able to hold his own in a scrap. Tyrell was one of the few kids in school who was as tall as Wyatt - or Connor himself for that matter, and it tracked that he would hang around with some relatively nefarious company.

"There sure is a lot going on right about now, ain't there?"

It wasn't necessarily an answer to anything that Erika had said, but more of a blanket agreement. His own mind had been churning as to how to properly help rectify this horrific love triangle that he'd somehow managed to find himself caught up in. In truth, there wasn't much to rectify. Bret and Ivy had broken up; Bret joining Connor on Ivy Langley's ex-boyfriend mantle, but...

Connor exhaled, shaking his head a bit, almost in disbelief at the events that unfolded at his prom after-party.

"To be candid, I feel like I'm caught up in some silly romance novel," he couldn't help but give Erika a smirk, "and I'm sure Tyrell would be glad to hear it, considering the players involved."

He paused, sizing Erika up for a moment. In the grand scheme of things, if one were to draw a line on the sand in this particular conflict, Erika and Connor would have been on opposite sides.

So who better to commiserate with? The hell with it. Madison wasn't having any of it, he couldn't talk to the guys about this obviously, and good ol' Ross - who had oddly been a guy he'd shot the shit with more and more as the year had gone by - hadn't even managed to make it here on account of a bum shoulder. He laid his words out cautiously, slowly, watching her responses as he slowly unlocked the vault that held in his troubles.

"Y'all heard about the fight between Bret, Wyatt, and Tyrell, I'd assume? A few months back, I think? Somethin' to do with Ivy Langley?"

He was aware the connotation that people held when it came to him and Ivy. There was history there and people often held their tongues when it came to criticizing her, out of respect for him. That was nice of them, but after the stunt she'd pulled, he couldn't care any less about what people said.

Even though his buddy Wyatt seemed to not be able to leave well enough alone. Ugh. His head hurt just thinking about all of this. He should be worrying about football training and getting down to the gym, not his stupid friends and their stupid interpersonal drama.

[Shiola]

"Y'all."

I'm from America's America and I still don't have as much twang in my voice. I hope.

It was a weird thing to notice, but it seemed much as she hid her class beneath hemp and a vocal distaste for late-stage capitalism, he hid his beneath that folksy linguistic multitool. Of course her mind went to the little auditory appetizers in Connor's disposition because it desperately, reflexively didn't want to think about the main course.

Of course it's Ivy. How could it not be?

The fight drama. The explanation behind the broken gift, his broken rib, and the odd glares at school. It had been before they'd started dating properly, before they'd really gotten to know each other. In a way, coming over to his place and helping him out had brought them closer. So much as it was a bit of a painful memory to see him hurt, she couldn't say that things didn't work out in the end.

Still though, the fucking nerve of that bitch...

Connor said her name as if Erika hadn't heard it before, or as if it could have been anyone else. So she leaned into that, because there wasn't any way they weren't going to talk about it at this point. It could be interesting to hear things from the other side, much as "the other side" of a surprise assault in a park was worth anything.

"As if it could've been about anyone else, yeah. Those two assholes jumped him because they didn't have the balls for a fair fight and the brains to not do what that bitch told them to. It was just Ty being himself and Ivy not knowing how to handle somebody not kowtowing to her being unbelievably cunty. Sorry if that's harsh but like, yeah I heard about it."

Erika bit her lip, her tongue touching her lip ring. A nervous habit. She had a personal rule to be as honest with everyone she met as possible. Part of it was feeling awfully dishonest about herself on a daily basis, like there was a way to make up for that by hiding nothing else. She felt butterflies in her stomach at the notion she might have just been a bit too candid.

Whatever. It's all almost over anyhow.

[Cactus]

Connor was more a little surprised to hear a laugh erupt from his chest, but Erika had pulled no punches. 'Please, Erika, tell us how you really feel' was the sarcastic and quippy response that instantly popped into his mind. He wouldn't dare say it, of course; biting sarcasm wasn't his tool, but her descriptions of Ivy and his two buddies was probably closer to the general opinion held by the school population than he cared to admit. Loyalty had always been something that he had found in his toolbox; Connor Lorenzen had known Bret and Wyatt Carter since they'd been kids. While yes, the two of them - particularly Wyatt - could be brusque and sometimes even reprehensible, they were his friends. His best friends, even.

"Those two sure can be assholes, can't they?" His remark was light and between laughs, though genuine. Erika's candour was actually appreciated. Connor cared so much about who he talked to, what he said and how he said it that people tended to be somewhat on their best behaviour around him as well. The river ran both ways, as the saying went.

"Now, I wasn't there or anything, but," he held up his hands in a mock pre-defense, "I reckon your tall, dark and scary probably helped the whole thing along as much as anyone."

Not wanting to seem like he was trying to press the issue, he allowed his hands to fall back down. "However."

Connor then took a moment and arranged the thoughts within his head. It truly had seemed like all of the funny business started around then. At the time, he hadn't asked all that many questions. What happened? Was it handled? Did they need to make sure something else got taken care of? It was all the standard stuff, but the guys had assured him that things were okay.

Lord willing, that'd been a nice minute or two.

"Ivy's no peach; believe me, I found that out for myself a few years ago." He allowed himself a pregnant pause. "Y'all know that woman could drive the Pope to murder."

His mind went back to the party. Ivy had barged into the room - he'd tried to mostly ignore her as he usually did, but Wyatt had gone and helped her with something. The two of them hadn't returned. Prom had clarified exactly why he'd never come back to finish the game off and he'd been stuck with an overly intense (and oddly aggressive) teammate and a girl... guy...? Aw hell, he didn't know what Zen had been but naked and that had been uncomfortable enough.

"I shoulda' picked up on it then. Since Tyrell did," he looked back up at Erika and shrugged, his words rising from a mutter back to full volume, "whatever he did - real or imagined, somethin's been off."

Connor's shoulders sagged back against the picnic table as he looked out onto the skyline of Washington, D.C.

"And then it all went off."

Somehow, getting it off his chest felt better, somehow. He'd been worried about how all of this would shake down for weeks now, the fallout had been interfering with his own training and his focus on the goals to come in advance of college. Trying to help mend the fences, make sure that everything was fine. But things were still awkward and it wasn't proving to be easy.

But nothing worth doing came easy, and leaders didn't leave their teammates - or their friends - behind.

Connor Lorenzen was a fixer. It showed on the football field, it showed in his social dealings. Hell, it even showed in his choice of women. So he had to fix it. Somehow.

[Shiola]

Aha. A laugh. I was in fact, just candid enough.

For someone who seemed to care a whole lot about what had been happening between the Bruiser Brothers and an ex he clearly should've cut off, Connor seemed not to know all that much about what had happened. Erika didn't think him the kind of person to just play at not knowing anything, especially given how upfront he'd been about his stake in all of this. Erika wagered he was just looking for a reason to not cut these people off, he just didn't know it yet.

Even more folksy aphorisms! You're still hanging onto something with her, though. Hard to imagine why.

It was weird, the amount of time she'd spent more or less explaining her boyfriend to people. It wasn't like they asked often, but people assumed she'd had some grand insight that would help them figure out which of his two faces was the real one. The truth was, it was neither and both. That was a good thing, as difficult as it would be for someone like Connor to believe.

You think THAT would be hard for him to believe? Just wait till he finds out you're a gun nut! What a crazy secret to keep from people.

"Went off? Like - look, the only thing he did was react to Ivy being fake and shit. That's like his thing, one of the reasons I love the guy. He's got a really hard time with people who're insincere or unkind. Ivy's both of those things. Maybe they didn't see it before, but those two guys got in over their heads with Ty. I saw what they looked like after that, dude."

She shrugged, not particularly proud of Ty's proficiency for violence but not altogether opposed to the idea of either Carter getting hit in the face.

"You can't say that they didn't wonder why they were doing it after all that. I guess they had the same reason, but they didn't know it yet."

Erika had a pretty good idea of what had been going on, but couldn't help but hold back a bit on commenting. Connor wasn't a bad guy, and this clearly was affecting him. There was being candid about stuff and then there was being a jerk, and Erika had no intention of being the latter. It was easy for her to just open up her head and dump her thoughts out at people, but this probably wasn't the time for that.

Is there time for anything, really?

Plus, focusing on the last vestiges of high school drama kept the existential dread at bay.

[Cactus]

Grimacing, yet nodding along at Erika's assessment of the park encounter, Connor realized that he hadn't been specific enough. He couldn't be sure how much of the school gossip she was plugged into, but she'd obviously taken Tyrell's side of whatever had happened and that had been enough for her. As well as it should have been, considering their relationship - of which Connor realized he really didn't know much about.

Come to think of it, he didn't really know a whole lot about the relationships of anyone who wasn't in his immediate circle. That fact disappointed him just a tad but he brushed it away as he held a hand up, to clarify.

"Look, when I say went off-" He cut himself off, let out a small exhale and started over. "I wasn't in the woods that night. Far as I've been told, it was Ty and the boys, and they sorted whatever it was all out, man to man. Good on 'em. Personally, I'm not sure how much y'all know but when it comes to Ivy, I tend to keep my distance. That girl's not worth a lick of my time or energy."

Whoops.

That had slipped out, unintentionally and with enough venom to add to his surprise. Bringing a fist up to his mouth as if to try and hammer the words back in, Connor threw his hands up in the air. Whatever. It was too late to take it back and considering all that Ivy had done to Bret and Wyatt's relationship, he didn't care.

"Aw, hell. Contrary to what y'all saw at prom? I'll be civil to her because she's - was dating one of my best pals." He wasn't sure. In a way, she still may have been doing exactly that. "No point in goin' out of your way to make enemies when it's a whole lot easier to make friends, right?"

Such was the art of networking, a skill that he'd been taught young. You could have your opinions on people, but if you greeted them with a firm handshake and a smile, you were entitled to think whatever you wanted to later. It was never a smart play to burn a bridge before you knew you needed to walk it.

"So like I said. Ivy and Bret, they're through. Ended that whole mess right in front of me at the prom after-party, and y'all wanna know the kicker? As it turned out, she's been steppin' out on him."

Connor sighed, his frustration at being in the middle of this whole situation clear as day upon his face.

"With his own twin brother. I reckon there are few things worse."

The whole thing was spilling now; the dam had broken.

"Look, I'm no fool. I know what y'all think of Wyatt. He's a loudmouth - I can't deny that - but he's been my friend since we were kids. Bret, too. So this, it's just..." Connor trailed off, nearly at a loss for words.

His arms, which had been animatedly gesturing in the air as he'd been talking his thoughts out, fell to his sides, resting on his thighs.

"Whole thing's fuckin' stupid. Just typical nonsense drama a few weeks before it's all said and done."

He looked down at Erika with a sheepish smirk.

"Sometimes I wonder about the whole dang lot of us. I love Tennessee with all my heart, but there are days where I think: movin' up to Indiana can't come soon enough." Connor remembered Erika's earlier comment. "I bet Berlin looks real fine after a whole week with all these folks, huh?"

[Shiola]

Erika couldn't help but share in Connor's shift to levity after his exasperated and somewhat roundabout explanation. It was hard to feel sympathy with any of those people, though she did feel for Connor. It must've been awful to know these people for years and see relationships fall apart between them, especially because of someone so frivolous and manipulative. It was hard for Erika to really fathom who that looked worse on, Wyatt or Ivy.

"Jesus. That's messed up."

Though it probably wasn't just that situation that had Connor out of sorts - if she had to guess, there was probably some lingering anxiety about leaving high school behind. A lot of people seemed to be feeling like that. Sure, it was a contrived little world full of stupid rules and (as she was now discovering) some truly awful people - but it was the world they knew. She smiled, her mind drifting to the city Connor had just mentioned.

"I've been looking forward to going out there for a long time. Been there a few times before, it's my kind of place."

Hesitating slightly, she picked a small fluff off of one of her colourful wristbands. Sometimes she still wondered if anyone could tell by the shape of her hands, or her face. Whether they ever thought she was more than just a tall girl. She knew from just about every interaction with the football team that the answer was a resounding - "no" - given the kinds of things she'd heard them say. The thought still never really went away, though.

It persisted as Erika continued, and she felt the strange absence of the anxiety that had policed her language for so many years.

"It's a better city to live in for someone like me. People in our part of the country like to think they're kind and wholesome, and accepting but only when it's something that doesn't really challenge how they see the world. Some things are always gonna be too much. Long term, Tennessee's not a good fit for me. I've got German citizenship and I'll have an apartment set up there pretty much right away. It's a great start but..."

Shit, did I...? No, I wasn't specific. It's fine. I'm fine.

A strange sense of melancholy washed over her. It was weird, laying out her intentions so plainly. Normally telling people about it she'd been bubbly and excited, but on the last night it had an uncomfortable air of finality.

This is it. After tonight, this part of my life is pretty much over. High school parties, stupid drama, secrets to keep - it's all done. Why doesn't that make me happier?

"...I guess it's strange to say, but even with all the bullshit I think I'll probably miss these folks. I haven't really known any friends as long as I've known people at school."

[Cactus]

Messed up was definitely one way to describe it, that much was certain. Connor knew that Erika probably didn't care all that much about problems involving Ivy or the Carter twins - but it was very nice of her to at least feign empathy. It was more frustrating to him that all of this had gone off with mere weeks left to go in the school year. At least in the summertime, they wouldn't be forced to see one another every single day (the twins notwithstanding) and the situation wouldn't seem so exacerbated. There was a part of him that lamented the fact that the football season had ended as well. Bret and Wyatt didn't have anyone else to go and smash, so they'd gone and done it to each other.

Didn't seem overly productive for the long-term viability of their relationship, that was for sure.

As Erika continued on regarding her own upcoming move to Berlin, Connor listened with admitted interest. Most of them were heading off to some other city or town to go to school, but for her to move all the way across the world, it was an interesting risk. Or not so much of one, to hear her tell it. Something caught Connor's ear that she skimmed over: someone like me. What had she meant by that? Just by looking at her, nothing seemed unusual. To his knowledge, Erika wasn't involved in drugs or any kind of crazy sex parties or anything like that.

His eyes widened a bit as he saw it. Instantly, Connor knew what she was referring to. How could he have been so obtuse as to miss it?

Tennessee wasn't overly kind to left-winged hippy folk. George Hunter High was a bit of an anomaly in the state in that a very large number of left-leaning students attended the school. Perhaps it was the art programs that were fairly top-notch, but there had always been a very large number of 'alternative lifestyle' kids at the school. People who were living on self-sustaining food, others who believed in the benefits of solar power, and even more who probably wanted to go and start a commune somewhere. Not to mention, GHHS was home to quite possibly the largest collection of LGBTQ students in the entire state. Connor wondered if Erika belonged to that denomination. She was dating Tyrell, so obviously she wasn't a lesbian. One had to be a male to be gay - if Connor knew his terminology correctly, which he wasn't entirely sure about - so that wasn't it. She wasn't transgender either; you could always tell just by looking at someone if that were the case. He had literally no idea what it meant to be 'queer', other than the word was historically used to mean 'off' or askew.

She must have been bisexual. That added up!

Connor smiled at Erika and nodded knowingly and kindly. He'd made his own allusions, there was no need to flaunt them. There was nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted. One of the things that his parents had stressed to him as he'd been younger was that everyone deserved an opportunity to be heard, to find their own truth. Part of being a leader was accepting those before you were different, and celebrating their differences. He'd always tried to make sure the football locker rooms were a safe space. Sure, Wyatt was a bit of a joker and came off a bit more brusque than he needed to at times, but he never truly meant any of it maliciously. He was glad that Erika had made a choice to better her own personal happiness. It took guts to move so far away and forge your own path.

Connor could identify.

"I think that's a real brave thing to do," he started. "Heading across the world to a whole new country and a whole new culture; y'all know half of the kids we're here with probably won't ever end up leavin' stateside."

Allowing himself a laugh, he shook his head at the thought of some of his fellow classmates in a foreign country, like China or Brazil. Some of them wouldn't last a second. He knew that if his destiny fell the way that he was writing it, he'd likely have the chance to visit some other countries. He looked forward to that.

"You're not wrong, either. What on Earth am I gonna do without some fire to put out, or some crazy prom mess to clean up? Spend four years with some folks, and you're bound to forget what you've got until it's all gone away."

Giving his head a small shake, he reached back and unwrapped the hair tie that kept his ponytail together. Shaking his hair out, he leaned back and looked up at the sky. It felt a little better to let it all out; he'd had it tied together for a few hours now. Erika wasn't the type who would judge, he was sure.

"I think a lot of us just need to figure out who we are, y'know? I reckon if we all get together for a reunion in ten years, a lot of people will change. Me, you, Wyatt, Tyrell, Madison or Bret. Heck, even Ivy or Tyrell's buddy might be actual functioning human beings as adults."

Connor's smile was comfortable, teeth showing.

"Y'all never know what the world will bring."

[Shiola]

Figure out who we are, huh? That’s easier for some.

It was strange to imagine what any of them would look like as adults. Most of the people she knew at George Hunter were dysfunctional as teenagers, an age group that was more or less defined by poor judgement. It was harder still to imagine what she’d look like as a functional grown-up human being.

What do those things even mean, anyways?

From what she could tell it was a pretty nebulous concept. Adulthood was figuring out how to pay for shit, getting incredibly serious about particular struggles or issues and ignoring others, and above all - taking everything incredibly seriously. Though she didn’t much interact with her extended family, Erika did faintly recall hearing the tales of her cousin’s post-university escapades as a “young professional” a Christmas ago, and it seemed boring as hell. There was no security in work or a future anymore, not in this world. The only way forward seemed to be doing things the unconventional way.

You know that pretty well, no?

Connor obviously hadn’t put two and two together, or if he had he’d come to the wrong conclusion. Because if he’d had any idea, she knew – wait, what did she know? In the course of her high school career, she’d never really known him to say a mean word to anyone. Never known him to be particularly prejudiced either, despite having the kind of dialect that was a kind of acoustic shorthand for it. She’d always been more afraid of his friends, or the girls who’d no doubt find a way to shunt Erika from most social situations if they knew who she’d been.

This is the kind of person who’d list those people and then suggest that there’s a good chance more than half of them will change for the better. It’s at least possible he wouldn’t react badly.

She’d been afraid for years. It was important to have a normal high school experience. Get through without the bullying and isolation of her childhood. Get noticed for personality quirks, her looks, her style, her politics – but not for being that kid who answered to the wrong name on the attendance. The reality was though, it was all over now. She’d had that experience, and gained more than she’d ever realize. There wasn’t any practical reason she couldn’t be honest about it. Moreover, it wasn’t like anyone was going to cause trouble now that her and Ty was common knowledge.

At least, not without a good amount of risk on their part.

Being an adult to Erika was something she’d idealized for years. It was being able to speak the truth, always. Living an example in spite of bigotry, and in case she ever crossed paths with a kid living in the same head-space she’d been in for years. Learning to help heal the world. Living the best life she could in it. If it was going to be anything, adulthood shouldn’t contain the kind of fear and distrust so many years of her life had already been filled with.

It also means not being a bystander to horrible shit.

That was true enough. It was hard to hear Connor mention Ty’s “buddy” so wholly ignorant of what had actually happened. Holding onto the scant information she knew was difficult. She didn’t really know how Connor or any of his friends would react if they knew.

Who’d be in more danger if our secrets got out? I’d wager the rapist, but this is Tennessee so it could go either way.[/i]

Erika sat forward, looking at Connor with a smirk on her face. She could feel her left hand shaking slightly, so she clasped them together in front of her. She’d always promised every friend and acquaintance she’d be one hundred percent honest with them, and had always chided herself for only ever getting halfway there. It was time to put it into practice, because there really wasn’t any other time.

“A lot of people have gotta figure out who they are, yeah. It’s easier for some people than others. Mine’s been totally insane. Life's a fuckton of improvisation and absurdity pretty much from day one. You learn all kinds of crazy shit about the world growing up and it's hard to cope. Like your family tree has OG Nazis in it, or the world is dying because of greed and corruption, or you read how many nukes there actually are and how they've been pointed at you since you were born, or how you’re a living thing that’s gotta die at some point and like that one sucks way worse than the rest pretty much."

The point, I've gotta get there. Come on.

She sighed, guiding her wandering eyes to look back at Connor. Her hands let go of one another as she eased out of her ramble, as gesticulating was one of her nervous habits.

“…but like, I had all that plus one more crazy thing. I learned growing up that I really wanted to be a girl. And like, I wasn’t one at eleven. I didn’t, uhh, start out this way. So that’s been a thing. That fucks with your head. To like, have to figure that out. We moved states because things were really bad for a while. So finishing up high school, getting out – I’m sorta like, thinking that maybe I might be finally starting to get done with figuring out who I am.”

Smooth. So smooth. Just wait ‘till he hears you spill the rest of your hidden supply of secret-beans.

Her smile wavered briefly as she waited for Connor's reaction.

"I'm looking forward to just living it."

[Cactus]

His words had seemed to touch a nerve or something within Erika, because Connor noticed that she seemed to lean forward, as though steeling herself against some sort of oncoming storm. Interesting, but not overly concerning. Everyone had things that they were looking to leave behind once high school concluded, and Erika was no different. As she took a beat and opened up, Connor found himself nodding along at the points she was starting to make. It was interesting, really. He knew some of his classmates rather well - the football team, of course - not to mention people who found themselves in his orbit more often than not. But Erika was more of a mystery to him, and as she started to open up, he found himself intrigued.

Metaphysical issues or concerns weren't ones that Connor found himself preoccupied with often. Sure, the world was a big and scary place and eventually, none of them would get out of it alive. That thought was secondary for Connor. He was more prescient, ready to worry about the here and now. What were his goals, and how could he accomplish them? What was the road to glory like for Connor Lorenzen, and how far along the path was he? In a way, he was glad that there were people like Erika who clearly cared enough about the world around them to consider the greater questions out there.

All Connor wanted to do was play football. To be the best. To be a good leader, a good teammate, a good man. Everything else after that would come when it came.

He empathised with Erika, truly, he did. Connor had been lucky enough in his life to not know a whole lot of adversity. Sure, he'd been very focused on waging his own path and not following each and every whim of his parents, but the challenges Erika had faced were vastly different than his own and more, he suspected, like those of his peers. He had never considered his own history, Connor had never had to worry about feeling accepted in his own life. Connor had never sat around and felt like he wanted to be a girl, when he wasn't one. Connor had never-
















Wait.


























What?







The words echoed in his mind.

I learned growing up that I really wanted to be a girl. And like, I wasn’t one at eleven. I didn’t, uhh, start out this way. So that’s been a thing. That fucks with your head.













Oh.




Erika's candid admission kicked the proverbial chair out from under Connor, and the practiced smile fell away, replaced with a myriad of feelings, chief amongst them being surprise. His mouth dropped open softly, not in utter shock but more in response to the casual nature of her truth. He certainly could imagine how such a conundrum would have fucked with Erika's head, as it was doing a real number on his own.

Connor caught himself scrutinizing Erika's face, her body, her hands, and instantly stopped, looking back up at her eyes. He felt embarrassed, ashamed. He had discounted the fact that she could have been transgender almost offhandedly, for a reason that was more than a little crude.

She wasn't transgender either; you could always tell just by looking at someone if that were the case.

God dammit. You could tell 'just by looking at someone'? That was a terrible thing to think, a terrible idea to have. He was certainly glad that he hadn't said it out loud. Connor genuinely wouldn't have known had Erika not said. So where did that leave him?

He slowly closed his mouth, and did the only thing he could think to do. He smiled at Erika. It wasn't his practiced, confident, Connor Lorenzen, football team captain smile. No, this was eighteen year-old Connor smiling at one of his classmates. Teenager to teenager.

Person to person.

"I... I had no idea." He didn't know the right thing to say. He didn't know what the proper response was, here. For once, he was lost.

It wasn't as though Connor had no experience with transgender people. There were more than a few in the school. Being accepting of every person in his community or his team was something that he'd been taught extensively since the time he was young. His parents weren't overly liberal - hell, his father was far more conservative than most - but they had instructed him that being understanding and accepting was an integral part of being a leader.

So whether it was a put-on or not, the truth was, Connor didn't look at Erika and see anything wrong with her. Instead, he saw someone who seemed comfortable in their own skin. Which was more than he could say for a lot of the people in George Hunter High.

Of course, that didn't excuse his initial thought. His shoulders fell a little bit. He liked to think of himself as someone who was accepting of everyone. Yet, how had he initially reacted? He had jumped to a conclusion; a shitty one. One that he had assumed that he wouldn't.

Maybe he wasn't as well-taught and totally accepting as he thought he was.

The revelation took him aback, disappointed him. For Erika, he let his hands do the shrugging for him, palms softly up as he visibly searched for the right thing to say. For the first time in a long while, he had to search for the right words.

"I'm glad that you finally feel like you can be yourself," he started. "I-" He stopped himself. Maybe for once, he should let the damn shields down.

For once.

"I feel like a bit of an ass."

His voice got quiet, thoughtful. His cadence less practiced and more organic. He pursed his lips together as he sat up, no longer leaning but seated straight.

"Sometimes it doesn't occur to me that high school," he stepped his way through the words, "high school wasn't always as good for everyone as it was for me."

Connor sighed slightly.

"Wasn't as easy."

Reaching back, he ran his hands through his hair once more.

"I always tried to make sure I was fair to everyone. But I reckon sometimes that probably wasn't enough, was it? Sometimes just tryin' ain't enough, is it?"

Could he have done more? Would a good leader, would a good pillar of his community done more to help those who were struggling with their identity?

Was he truly the kind of man that he believed himself to be?

For the first time throughout his high school career, Connor Lorenzen found himself asking that question, and the answers coming back didn't satisfy him.

Not one bit.

[Shiola]

Much as she'd thought it would, Erika wasn't quite prepared for the look on Connor's face as he processed what she'd just told him. She felt a series of conflicting emotions as he responded. A certain sense of vindication in that he seemed genuinely surprised. Guilt for not entirely realizing how weird of a position it might put someone else in. Curiosity as he seemed to let his guard down a little.

Ok. Test run on a normal person seemed to go well. This is good.

Another weird feeling she hadn't been prepared for, too - comfort. Connor wasn't asking stupid questions, or prying. He started to say the perfunctory thing, but it looked like her efforts to be perhaps dangerously honest had rubbed off on him. It was weird to hear him speak in a way that didn't seem perfectly adjusted. This guy was one of those people who was almost frustratingly perfect - rich, competent, involved in his community, seemingly level headed - and it was easy to dislike him from afar for it. Offering a truth on her end seemed to coax out the truth in him.

Fuck, now I feel bad.

She'd misjudged him. Lumped him in with a whole lot of people he maybe wasn't so close to after all. Given the way that the drama had unfolded that much was clear at least, and even more so now that he was reacting this way. It wasn't at all unlike the way Ty had reacted. For the last few months she'd been fending off the thought that kind of thing was still pretty rare. That there were people who'd invariably end up as her enemies because of where they were born, what they'd come to know, and what they expected from the world.

Some people aren't supposed to be nice.

Now here was Connor Lorenzen, the football-playing son of an oil baron not only seeming to accept her for who she was, but feeling bad that high school wasn't as easy for her and others as it was for him. There weren't many people who were such a complete picture of a potential nemesis, yet here he was.

Did I really have it so bad? Nobody ever got to hurt me. I made it all the way through.

She fidgeted, trying to figure out what to say. Her voice was kind, as she tried to allay his misgivings.

"Dude, like - I was scared of the kind of guys you were friends with. They would hit on me, say typical guy shit and all I'd think was like they're nice to me now but there'll be violence if they find out. I never got that vibe from you, dude. You always were super decent now that I look back on it, it's just like - I was always picking at every little thing I did, and it was hard to be social. So like I don't think I got a chance to really realize it."

Shrugging, she looked up. The stars were nice, but the glow of the city obscured quite a few of them. Visiting Alaska had pretty much ruined her on night skies just about anywhere else. Still, it was pretty calming.

"I think trying's all anyone can do. Part of me wishes I'd tried harder, but I legit have no idea what might've happened if I'd ever let it slip before. Ty knows, and he's convinced your buddies would've done some awful shit if they had ever found out." She rolled her eyes slightly thinking back to Ty's very creative, choice terms for them. "Then again, he's not really been given a whole lot of reasons to have faith in people." It was hard not to wince slightly as the last words rolled off her tongue.