It was nice to see that his words had landed well. Lorenzo seemed to appreciate Ty’s disdain. On some level it made him feel better too, to know that those who’d done him harm weren’t exactly popular. Myles had barely spoken to Ty, but he lumped him in with Ivy in his mind. He was sure for every bad idea she had, he was no doubt supporting it.
Ty’s ruminations on those two were cut short as he noticed Lorenzo mentally shift gears. What he’d said seemed to drag up some kind of painful memory, or at least an uncomfortable train of thought. For a moment Ty was caught off guard by the conversation’s difficult turn, and was fully prepared to change the subject again. There was a lot to talk about, after all.
No, something really seemed to be gnawing at Lorenzo. Ty had a feeling this was coming; the whole trip he had seemed distracted and evasive. Though curious, Ty had learned not to press the issue with these kinds of things. He’d learned in the last few weeks that he had done this kind of thing to press for weakness in people. If someone opened up, it meant that they trusted him. To force such a situation wasn’t a very nice thing to do.
It made sense that he’d open up to Ty. They’d been close, at least insofar as they could be honest with one other. Other than Erika, Lorenzo probably knew more about Ty than anyone else.
That isn’t saying much.
Ty looked to his knuckles as Lorenzo mentioned hurting someone badly. It didn’t make sense that he’d be broken up about getting in a fight, unless it went to a level far beyond a scrap. No, it wasn’t that, and Lorenzo made that much clear.
Then what? Ren’s a lot of things but not someone I’d ever noted as being all that concerned with what other people thought, or felt. “Anyone Night Stand” might as well be the kid’s anthem.
There wasn’t any pre-empting this, he had to let him vent. Sometimes it was important enough to just put the problem into words, especially if he’d been hanging onto this for as long as Ty suspected. Taking the occasional hit of his vape pen as Lorenzo continued, Ty hung on every word. Whatever it was, he expected Ty to have some kind of perspective on it.
I’d better get it right, then.
Explaining the situation he’d found himself in at Swiftball. The kind of situation Ty figured he’d run into someday. No doubt it had thrown him for a loop. The guy fancied himself someone who could keep things at a surface level, but Ty had always figured there was more going on there than most people expected. That was one of the things he liked about him, much as it seemed like a recipe for disaster. It was interesting.
-
As Lorenzo explained what happened at prom, a pit began to develop in Ty’s stomach. He set down the vape pen beside him. Pieces started to fall together in his head, as he spoke about the contrived plan he’d put together to make himself feel better about his own sorry choices.
Ty could feel his jaw clench as he was told a story he now knew he didn’t want to hear. The muscles in his forearms tensed. Every predatory instinct he possessed was kicked into overdrive, telling him to leap across the balcony and destroy this person in front of him.
Seven stories. Half what killed my brother. That’d be enough to break him. Maybe not for sure, though. Someone might see. He might just do it all by himself, anyways.
If Lorenzo had been looking, he might’ve noticed how still Ty had become. How he could do little else but maintain a fixed, blank expression as he wrestled with what exactly he could allow himself to do.
He raped Artem. That’s what happened, but he won’t even call it for what it is. Who the fuck am I talking to right now?
Tyrell’s mind was racing, questioning how he could have been such a poor judge of character. How he could have ever associated with someone like this. Someone who could do something so reprehensible, and be so weak as to then collapse and feel sorry
for himself afterwards.
Much as he felt he should’ve maybe thought of Artem’s well-being, Ty didn’t know him. Knew enough to know he didn't deserve something like this happening to him at all.
Who does?
Maybe he could guess what emotional trajectory he was on, but it wasn’t his problem to solve. The reason why Artem didn’t just bash Lorenzo’s head in for doing what he had done evaded him, and he knew that any effort to speak to the boy was going to end in making the situation worse.
No, you want me to solve your
problem, you son of a bitch. That’s my place in this.
It was so viciously malignant to do something like that, and now here he was was just trying to save his own ass. Capable enough to do something awful, but too weak to own up to it, to find a way to justify it like every other evil bastard managed to find a way to do.
Though, that was what he was doing right now, wasn’t it? Trying to fix things.
Worse, trying to wrap me into helping him fix it.
Of course. They were honest with each other. Straight-up. That was the best part of their friendship, wasn’t it? He always felt like they were the same on some level. Like they might’ve seen the world through the same lens. Had the same terrible ideas. Same sense of humour. Trusted each other when they didn’t trust much of anyone else.
This was the kind of person Ty was drawn to. The kind of person he called a friend.
”I should’ve fucking stopped…"
Yes, you should have.
A thought crossed Ty’s mind, and it cut through the rage and palpable feeling of betrayal that threatened to do Lorenzo grievous bodily harm, and end the trip prematurely. For a moment, he thought of his sister’s face at Elliott’s funeral. Almost thirty, and barely recognizable from the teenager he’d known. The most familiar thing about her that he saw was the tension, the look that a person had when they were doing everything in their power just to remain stoic, to hold it together. It was the look he’d seen when she had told him what their father had done. He remembered so clearly the still tone of her voice as she told him a story that physically hurt to hear. She spared no details.
It brought a sense of serenity to Ty, as he now knew exactly what to tell Lorenzo. What Lorenzo needed to know was what kind of person he had given this sensitive piece of information to.
They had similar qualities, but he wasn’t that kind of a person.
Tyrell was a different kind of monster.
-
As Lorenzo looked up, he saw a look of concern on Ty’s face. A compassionate half-smile. One couldn’t smile at hearing this kind of story, but a friendly face was definitely what Lorenzo wanted to see. Ty grabbed Lorenzo’s hand, and pulled him closer.
“Hey. Come here.”
Ty pulled him into a hug, and Lorenzo cried into his shoulder. He kept it tight, holding Lorenzo close. He needed this, and it needed to feel genuine.
“It’s okay Ren. It’s okay, here, lemme have that.”
As they parted, Ty grabbed the cigarette from Lorenzo’s hand and set it aside on the glass table next to them. Ty began, his voice steady. Kind.
“You’re not a monster. A monster is the kind of person who would do what you did, and feel nothing. Who’d find a way to justify it to himself, who wouldn’t think past his own interests. Who’d not think twice about doing it again. That’s not you. Bad person, though. Maybe. We’ve all got shit to work on, terrible things that hide inside us. Maybe this is yours. The important thing is, you’re not alone. I think I know where you’re coming from here.”
Lorenzo looked like he was about to reply, and Ty held up a finger, as if he was trying to work out what he had just heard.
“I guess, if I’m hearing you right, this all started because you felt like having feelings for someone was a weakness you couldn’t afford, so you had to do something to fix that. It didn’t matter the consequences, it didn’t matter how it hurt anyone else, you just
had to. People are complicated, and the closer the get the more those complications can hurt you. I pretty much don’t let anyone in. I know what its’ like. Keep parts of myself closed off, even to-”
Ty paused. It wasn’t difficult to say the words, but the feeling of betrayal still lingered as he spoke them.
“-close friends. I don’t do people well, and I’ll do anything to keep myself at a distance sometimes. That part of you that’s screaming in your head right now, telling you that you’re a bad person for doing what you did? I
killed that part of me growing up because it was the only way to survive. It’s not coming back. It had to go for me to live, you understand?”
Lorenzo seemed to nod. Ty could see he was still crying, though Ty’s words were distracting him enough he wasn’t sobbing like before.
Thank fuck for that.
“It doesn’t help you, though. Now I do something and I hear about how terrible it was afterwards, from other people. Not from in my head, but from people I’ve hurt. People who see what I’ve done and think that I’m garbage for it. Erika’s helping me figure stuff out but like, I’ve got a long way to go.”
He gently took hold of Lorenzo’s hand.
“I’m glad you trust me. This isn’t something you can really say out in the open, and it really isn’t an easy fix. You did hurt someone, you know that. It’s painful to think about because it fucking should be. If it wasn’t you’d have a problem. If you didn’t feel anything for doing something like this, you’d be-“
Ty sat back and paused, glancing out to the hotel room. Finally visually reacting to the revelation he'd felt moments before. The other two still seemed to be asleep. Good. Ty shuffled in his seat, seemingly troubled, before hanging his head. As if what he was about to say was a difficult admission to make. Seeing someone else cry made it easier to look like he was about to.
“-you’d be like me. I’m not going to lie to you Lorenzo, I wish I could feel what you’re feeling right now. I did something that I think is probably really messed up too, except I don’t really feel anything for it. I can't let people know about it, and I don’t know if there’s any fixing it.”
Not fucking likely.
