Outlander

[Lilith]

Index:
1. Remerciements
2. 156.59.62.163
3. 45.155.42.71
4. 81.17.122.91
5. 45.84.122.8
6. 176.53.178.39
7. 185.112.82.148
8. 103.50.33.236
9. 98.98.33.35
10. 146.70.164.55
11. 45.84.122.6
12. 158.58.172.32
13. 98.98.197.194
14. 104.248.239.190
15. 206.189.87.38
16. 45.250.252.153
17. 45.77.25.233
18. 23.251.119.153
19. 156.59.34.71
20. 193.29.107.136

[Lilith]

Thanks to:

Brackie, Catche, Ohm and everybody involved in the AU for making this happen. I’ve had a great amount of fun playing this.

Yugi, for heroing me and making this possible. I hope you’re happy with that decision.

Elena for being with me and helping me out with planning and just being a sentient pinning board for my horrible ideas

Toben for proofreading my epilogue and other things. He knows.

Claire, Skraal, Catche (again), and Toxie for giving me this opportunity. It’s appreciated by gamers. I’ll hand you back the win one day, I hope.

Yona and Kotori for making the very priceless art of Seychelle.

Catche (again again), Ohm (again), Brackie (again- wait, I killed all the staffers? oops), Fenrir, Pipp, Claire, Krokodil for letting me finish their storylines.

And you, the reader

tada!

[Lilith]

156.59.62.163

---

[+] Today in Singapore...

When I was around seven years old, I came in contact with death for the first time. My neighbour, a sweet lady named Anita, had passed away from completing suicide. I was too young then to understand what it was. My parents had wrapped it up in cellophane and put it on a metaphorical shelf for later.


When I was 12, I vaguely understood. My parents finally took off the time bomb and explained it to me, not in detail, mind you, but in an undefined and intangible way. They had said she had been ‘too sad’ to continue. Now I know they had meant despair, but they had avoided the word for vocabulary reasons.


Every day since then, until I turned 16, I feared it. What would happen if I became ‘too sad? Could I risk dying at any time? Could the time bomb explode? Who would be caught in the shrapnel of my internalized and now-externalized violence?


It ticked, ticked, ticked until it reached today. I was always waiting for it to blow up. When people were mean to me, when they were jealous, when I screamed, clawed, and fought my way up the social, academic, and debate echelons, I thought to myself, “Is this going to kill me?”


But fortunately for me, and unfortunately for many, suicide didn’t come back into my life until the game.


You were the first person I watched, Makaria, and you were the first I watched die. I think there’s comfort about the American kid dying first, you know? Were you there? Do you remember him? I didn’t, personally until Jack reminded me of him. I think there is a comfort to be found that you weren’t the first to be murdered.


I hope you found peace wherever it is for you, Makaria. - Outlander

[Lilith]

45.155.42.71

---

[+] Today in Samoa...

You were the first one to be killed. Or, well, to be murdered.

When I started hearing about the rules in the briefing, I didn’t think anyone would follow them. I was planning on escaping with Rainbow, Ajay and Philia. I just wanted to take a boat and leave after removing my collar. It would have been messy, and I might have died, but I didn’t think anyone would actually start killing.

While I was planning that in my mind, visioning my plan and the island, you were dying. A part of me wonders how it feels to die: I have come close, and I presume I will go close again. It’s a fear that gnaws in the back of my mind, and you could say it motivated my actions. What was I supposed to do after Rainbow’s half-assed murder attempt? If someone, the only girl who shared the same colour as my skin, who I believed might have understood me more than Ajay and everyone else, then who else would try to kill me?

Then would you?

I don’t think so. In all honesty, I would have killed you anyways, I guess, but I don’t think you would have tried to kill me from what I’ve watched. I suppose you were… too stupid? I looked up the things you mentioned before you died. Rugby union seems to be the type of sport I’d do. I don’t know, I was never sporty, but if I had to be, that would be the sport I’d pick.

I’ve tried to look at Kilikiti, but everything I found was… lacking. I knew about cricket, and I was horrible at it when I tried. So I don’t think Kilikiti is for me. But I still prefer rugby.

Your team didn’t win the placement, by the way.

Sorry about that, Oskar. - Outlander[Spoiler]

[Lilith]

81.17.122.91

---

[+] Today in India...

Alright, now you’re the first one whose story is more straightforward for me to do a proper evaluation.

I think your game plan was problematic. It could have worked, and it was honestly working. Watching it, I didn’t believe it was going to work. When I was compiling the footage, yours was always on the back of my mind, even more than the one involving me, because of a straightforward question:

How is this working?

After doing a little digging on you, I realized that there was a reason why it worked: you had previous experience doing it. You were a scammer a thief, and a gambling addict. You lied to Jevaun because that was in your nature. I think I know why you were put there.

I found the real George Harper. I looked him up. He was from California. He’s currently retired, and I saw that you had drained some of his accounts with one of your scams.

Ultimately, I’m left wondering how George Harper from California is doing.

Usually, I’d end the eval here. I got you down: you’re a scammer; if you had lived, you could have gone to win. But there are questions that you asked that I wanted to answer with my knowledge as the winner.

You said something along the lines that this could be a job interview. You weren’t wrong. Sometimes, even a fool can share some wisdom.

Your wife is being taken care of, Pranay. - Outlander

[Lilith]

45.84.122.8

---

[+] Today in Canada...

Je déteste ton nom.


C'est une abomination. Pourquoi les Canadiens-Français ont des noms comme ceux-là?


C'est répugnant. C'est presque violent. Est-ce que c'est le but? Le plus que je lis sur toi, le plus que je me suis rendu compte que c'est potentiellement le but. Tes parents sont des criminels.


Sinon, pour ton évaluation, je n'ai rien d'autre à dire. J'habite au Québec maintenant. Je pourrais visiter tes parents si je le voulais. Tes funérailles étaientsombre, mais ils ont respecté tes souhaits. Comme les autres sur l'île, ton corps sans vie a été rapporté à tes parents et à ta famille.


Comme Sartre l'a dit: l'existence précède l'essence.


Je crois que c'est quelque chose que tu dirais pour les choix dans ta vie. Même dans la mort, tu me touches. Même si c'est par ton nom qui me répugne ou par ton gangstérisme, c'est quelque chose dont la plupart ne sont plus capables.


Bravo Lyberté. - Outlander

[Lilith]

176.53.178.39

---

[+] Today in New Zealand...

You’re the exact type of person I hate for the record. You’re the type of girl that at my school would try to get in my way and annoy me on purpose. You seem like the kind of bug that would get crushed yet somehow return for more.


I talked to some of your friends. Some of them had already moved on from you. Others were in shock, but maybe that was just pretending. I prefer to think it was the former, that at least someone cared about their friend going missing and then dying.


Your parents didn’t move on, though. They are still in shock. They are still too frozen in their grief, incapable of moving on or processing it. They haven’t touched your bedroom yet. I sent them a letter, asking them to do something about it. Watching them read it, put it down, cry, and then return to sleep was a very embarrassing moment in my lapse of stalker judgment.


I don’t like your kind, but I do feel bad for your parents.


That aside, your run in the game was interesting to me. For a girl who was shot in the head - something we now share - I was pleasantly surprised to see that you were still kicking. Maybe that was a foreshadowing of things to come. Even if you didn’t live for that long after, you still made it possible for me to kill someone.


That sounds weird in retrospect, but I thank you for it. It made it easier for me. I needed to get through that barrier at some point in my murder career, and seeing you die was just easy. I have to be honest, though: I didn’t know if you were dead or alive after you went overboard. I simply assumed that you were. I was like, ‘welp, she went off, so she’s a goner.’


Now that it’s over and I had time to digest it, I’m left wondering how much time you survived down there. Could I have saved you? Did you hear what was going on above you, hoping that someone would come to keep you? I wonder what was going through your mind in those last moments. Was it anger? Was it fear? Was it a mixture of both? Or was your mind consumed by the pain?


Did you die when you stopped screaming, or were you still screaming in your mind after it had happened?


Jia Li, do you think I still hear your screams? - Outlander

[Lilith]

185.112.82.148

---

[+] Today in Scotland...

I don’t know what to say.

Objectively, you were manipulated by Jia Li. You could have done something if you had gotten a real weapon, an actual group, and a real motivation. Objectively, it’s easy.

Subjectively? Thinking about you makes me sick.

When I killed you, the only thing I could think of was my presentation of how I looked. I only wanted to think about the simple things that made me bulletproof at home. My clothes, my hair, my face, my makeup.

My everything was ruined, and I only wanted to think about these four things. And then, when you spoke to me, it was like I fell deeper into myself. I could see myself moving; I could see myself thinking. I could see what I looked like.

I was a ghost observing myself.

I still am. I’m still observing myself. It still feels like my hair is made out of glass sometimes. Sometimes I have to hurt myself to wake up. Sometimes I have to watch you die. Sometimes it’s just me in my room, hitting myself until I can’t breathe.

I wake up from that torpor, and you’re still in my mind, but the pain is bearable.

I like to think it’s your spirit tormenting me.

That’s what Jack said when I spoke to him. My sins would follow me, and I should just live with them instead of running away. I’ve been running away for years, and you only catch up to me in my dreams. Even in other countries, even when I’m pretending to be someone else, even when I’m sleeping safely in my home: you’re there.

My hope it's that it's been keeping you alive.

See you in my dreams, Archibald. - Outlander

[Lilith]

103.50.33.236

---

[+] Today in Ireland...

You remind me of myself.


I find myself in the parts of you that you let the world see. Your suicide struck me. You reminded me of Makaria in that way. It’s strange seeing someone that I would relate to doing this.


There was an act of rebellion in this. I talked to Amy. That’s what she said. She was still mourning when I spoke to her. She seemed like the family of Lyberté, in a way. Like something priceless, which you were, had been lost to this game’s waves of cruelty.


Amy is getting better. We’re still in touch. She found a new girl at a support group. She still talks about you sometimes, feeling guilty that she has new feelings. I’ve been pushing her to try new things and find new people. Some days are good, and some aren’t, but she’s averaging a good streak. I’d like to think you’d be proud of her.


I would have liked that someone would have done this to Michelle if I had died.


I got Zander in the end, by the way.


Let’s hang out sometimes, Derbhile. - Outlander

[Lilith]

98.98.33.35

---

[+] Today in Jamaica...

For Archibald, I could pretend it was self-defense or preventative self-defense - which sounds worse than just killing someone outright, in my opinion. I had a reason to fear Archie.


But for you? I had none.


I guess that was when people realized I wasn’t just some hapless victim running around in fear, dissociated from my body like I was being piloted by an alien invading my brain. I had no reason to kill you. I’ve watched, rewatched, and re-rewatched the footage repeatedly. I tried to figure out why I killed you at that moment.


I’m still not sure. I remember thinking about Michelle, thinking about worms, thinking about mud. I remember thinking about where I was going - the village, for safety.


Jack brought up three reasons: sadism, pragmatism, and fear. It wasn’t the former: I never enjoyed killing anyone. It wasn’t the latter because I didn’t feel anything at that moment - you could see that I was clearly checked out.


I could have simply shot you. I could have left. I could have helped you.


Instead, I broke the bridge underneath your feet and smashed your head in. I didn’t know I had it in me. I never would have thought I could have done that. But guns were heavy, even if they always seemed light to me.


So that leaves pragmatism. I needed a gun and supplies, and I got both from you. I guess killing you was easy. I’ve been good at killing people, surprisingly so. In my entire life, I would have never thought to myself that I would kill anyone, and yet now, I have a larger body count than most serial killers. I guess the line between them and me, other than the definition and the fact that I am a spree killer and that I will probably never kill again.


Jevaun, I don’t know why you would believe me, but I’m sorry for being my stepping stone. - Outlander

[Lilith]

146.70.164.55

---

[+] Today in Australia...

You get the vibes of what I’m going for by this point. I go through the footage, I observe it, make my own thoughts, go through the profile the terrorists wrote, I read it, make my own thoughts, go to your home country, find your friends and family, watch them, make my own thoughts.

It’s an easy cycle. It became my job. It was something to do with the money I had. I guess you could say I’m rich now. The money, it’s not good. The source is evil. It doesn’t come from hard labour or the sweat of my brow; it’s from the blood shed by others. I throw myself into studying people because it’s easier to do that with the money than to sit on it. It’s what I do with my time now. I look at people, and I observe.

This leads me back to you, Abel. What is there to observe? There’s your webcomic. Your dad posted an update while I was watching them. It was a nice gesture.

The first time I watched you die wasn’t on purpose. I watched another scene - one camera recorded a bird landing on a tree. In the background, I realized that there was a struggle going on.

It was a quiet end despite the loud bang. I rewatched it thrice. Twice from the bird flying again and once from the camera that recorded your last moments.

Despite that, I’m still trying to find words, but after so many deaths, yours felt pointless.

I’m sorry, Abel. - Outlander

[Lilith]

45.84.122.6

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[+] Today in St. Lucia...

You awakened on the island with a goal. Your goals were mysterious to others and maybe even yourself. Nobody could get a good read on you, not even me, and you seemed to be doing your best to survive. Were you even planning to win from the start? Was that what you were planning? Or was this an outlet, a supernova of freedom before bursting into death?

Even if you didn’t achieve all of your goals, your story is now engraved in books, papers, and movies. Your stories, even if hidden behind a veil, are not forgotten. They left an impression on people, and nobody can say otherwise.

Was that your goal? Was that your purpose? To manipulate and control others?

Were there other choices you could have picked?

Or was that the only one you could have won with?

You seemed to have the potential to do a lot, both good and bad. Your options were endless, but you picked a path of destruction and violence. You carved it using the other hands of others.

Your impact remains, despite everything.

GAME OVER, Tarren. - Outlander[/url]

[Lilith]

158.58.172.32

---

[+] Today in Botswana...

I wish I had asked if you did that on purpose before I killed you.

I was going to kill you anyways. It didn’t matter if you spent nights and days searching for me. I was going to kill you even if you were my mother. I had to: you were in the way of my survival. I gave you a merciful death, something you and I didn’t see coming.

You saved me from Ajay. I’m not sure why. I would not have saved myself. So why did you? If you had let me die, nobody else, including you, would have had to pass by my hands. You must have known about it, right?

When Jack brought you up, I wish I could have answered him with my words. Instead, I needed to write how angry I was at you. He said I was lying - I wasn’t -and I didn’t know how to answer. We could have escaped together or tried, but you didn’t give me a choice.

I’m still angry about that. I was supposed to be doing something else. I wasn’t supposed to play the game. You didn’t give me a choice, Rainbow. I was forced into that box, in that corner.

I should have drowned at sea. I should have been strangled. I should have been shot in the head.

None of these things happened, and I blame you.

I know it’s unfair, and I shouldn’t put all my anger onto you. But that’s what fueled me. That’s the reason why I lived. I could survive because I had someone to hate; I had someone to concentrate on despite the pain, the grunginess, and the suffering.

So, again, thank you, and again, I hate you.

How do you manage to do that even after death, Rainbow?

I’ve dreamt about others, had hallucinations about the people I’ve killed, and heard the voices and screams from the island during my daily life.

But you? You’re different. You save and doom me when you’re there when you’re brought up. You’re not just a memory I can’t shed; you’re an active part of me now. What do I do about that? How do I move on?

I don’t think I’m allowed to move on, and I don’t think I should be allowed to. And a part of me finds that comfortable. I find comfort in knowing that my dreams will be full of pain, that I will wake up covered in sweat and crying because I saw you standing over me with a smile of kindness. I’ve found comfort there.

I wish we could have escaped together, Rainbow. I wish we could have lived long enough to have Interpol save us both. I wish we could have been more. I hope you could have shown me Blood Diamond in person instead of the recordings I’ve found. I wish we could have been more than two dead girls dying together.

Instead, in reality, I’m now forced to hate and love you because that’s my only drive in life.

Keeping you alive in my mind is easy, but I wish I could do more. I hope you never have to save and doom again.

I hate that you do it so well, Rainbow. - Outlander

[Lilith]

98.98.197.194

---

[+] Today in Kenya...

Before continuing this entry, I’d like to preface that I tried cricket and hated it.

So, you were someone I should have hated from every sign I’ve received. So many details coming from him were rancid: self-absorbed, rude, presumptuous, rude, and probably misogynistic. And those facts weren’t wrong, for the record. I talked to your friends, I spoke to your father, I talked to people you knew. Your comments, impressions, lies and truths all left a bitter impression in people’s mouths.

But in the end, I like you. I might have tried to kill Jen, and I would have killed you on sight, but I still like you. I’m surprised at myself. I usually found myself unwavering in the thoughts of others. When my mind is set, it doesn’t move. Or at least, it used to. If there was one good thing coming from this experience, it would be.

Silver lining? Anyways, your death - which I didn’t know happened at the same moment and same place of Rainbow’s murder - was a catalyst for Jen’s hunt for Ajay. I thank you.

When I met with your dad, he thought I was Jen. I don’t think he watched it after Ajay’s death.

He probably believed that Jen had won and grown out her hair, gained a couple of inches in height, and lost the love handles, or maybe he knew all along. I’d like to go with the former, but you know your dad better. He gave me a knife from his mercenary days that he would have given to you. It has an excellent grip.

That’s all I can say about it.

And now, I don’t have anything else to say about you. Your run was boring, blah blah. You didn’t use the sniper rifle the way I would have, blah blah. I could go on. Makaria’s suicide must have sucked to witness, but you know, you’re a weirdo like that.

You might have enjoyed it, seeing competition taking itself off.

I think I would have, Leander. - Outlander

[Lilith]

104.248.239.190

---

[+] Today in Malta...

For the first killer on the island, I’ve never felt like you had been a competent one.


This is a compliment rather than an insult, for the record. That means you were somewhat able to hold onto your humanity. Unlike Ajay or me, a part of you wasn’t a machine made to kill or harm others. You were simply a shitty teen stuck in a shitty game, and your actions were made out of fear and desperation rather than ruthless planning.


That’s what I like to believe when it comes to you.


I could be wrong and probably wrong in many of my evaluations. What you did to Jen seemed more like a surprise act and a heat-of-the-moment rash decision than me choosing to gun down and bash and stab my way through the competition. The same thing with Oskar: a rash and swift conclusion.


Not planned, not schemed, not… plotted out.


Just you making stupid and foolish choices.


When I went to Malta, I was surrounded by beautiful works of architecture and an incredible blue sky. My time spent there felt like a dream that didn’t end. But after a month, I found myself used to the island’s beauty. I found it relaxing at first, but over time I became restless. I found myself seeking more than the baroque infrastructure.


Did its beauty one day fade away being raised in this place?


In the end, I didn’t meet your parents so I couldn’t ask them about it. I heard from the birds in the leaves that your father was a politician, so another reason to avoid him, but also a rock climber, just like you were. I tried a couple of climbs. The MRCC was nice enough to let me join them.


I don’t think I’ll ever climb a rock wall again, but it was enjoyable enough for me to take a couple of pictures.


Never say never, Fabiano. - Outlander