Of Toil and Tokens

[Catche Jagger]

Getting some distance from the others, hopefully enough to remain out of earshot, Thomas found that he had led Sean and Sakurako to a bumper car hall, filled with colorful little vehicles that looked like they were designed for someone half his size.

Trying to focus on the matter at hand, the matter that needed addressing, Thomas turned toward Sakurako. He felt bad that he wasn’t addressing Sean in this, but in the moment it was her that he needed to speak to.

All while he had watched her journey without him, he’d had time to mull it over in his head: what he would say, how he’d ask questions, the way that he’d have to approach things from the off. He’d probably had this hypothetical discussion with her at least ten times by the time he’d seen her again by the skeeball.

Even then, when he first opened his mouth, no words came. There was still time to go back, time to not think too hard about the obvious problems between them. He could just go back to loving her in the uncomplicated way he had, go back to being at peace with Sean, with his other classmates. It would be easy enough for him to avoid the confrontation after he’d been forced to deal with so much heated, stressful garbage on the island.

No, he needed to do this. He had to do… he had to do something at least.

And still the right words would not come to him as he stared into her face, none of it seemed to make any sense and his mind was getting all screwed up again

“Sakurako, why aren’t you mad at me?” He asked, his tone irritated, though the irritation was truly directed inward at himself for not managing to speak his mind in a more eloquent manner.

“Sorry, I’m sorry… I just… I don’t understand.” He shook his head, hoping that her answer was better than his question.

[Sunnybunny]

"Pissed you off again, huh?"

His tone of voice hadn't escaped her. It never really had.

Some part of her, an inner child best left forgotten, was thrilled at the sight of the bumper cars. They looked too small for her, but there were some built for two, and Sakurako attempted to squeeze herself inside one of those. For moments, it seemed she was entirely consumed in the self-given task, but her mind was here.

"I don't have a right to be mad at you. If I'd been more careful, you wouldn't have gotten shot. If I'd been more convincing, we might have found another way."

Her voice trembled as she gripped the plastic wheel.

Her eyes had never left his face. She was hyper aware of Thomas, of Sean not too far from him, of their aliveness in their shared death dream.

"Sean, have you been watching? If not I can just catch ya up on all the... bullshit."

If she was upset at anything it was this. The rehashing. Like closure, or clarity, or anything of the sort existed or even mattered. But it did to him, and didn't she owe him that much?

(what did love have to do with debts, anyway)

[Ohm]

The whole mood changed after they walked away. Sean was not the most astute person out there, but even he could pick up on the tension. The something that had been bubbling underneath the friendliness back with the rest of the clouts, between Thomas and Sakurako. Sean did not know what the cause was or why it was happening now, but he hoped it wasn't his careless death that caused this.

He stared at the bumper cars listening to the convesation start. Words coming out that confused him, It was like when you were a kid watching your parents have a cold war and not knowing what to do.

Why where they supposed to be mad at one another? Sean thought things would be fine here, let bygones be bygones and they could move on and play skee and forget the baggage.

Like they did at the cliffs.

He blinked as his name was adressed, an offer for a recap from Sakurako. He turned to look at her.

"I, uh, couldn't." He left out the why, there was no point adding that to the conversation. "I guess it would be nice..." His hands moved to a familar, safe place in his pockets as he looked down at the floor.

What was this for? Closure? Sit in a circle and yell at each other until they all felt better and moved on? Sean did not know, what he did know was that this sucked.

[Catche Jagger]

“You didn’t-” Thomas cut himself off. He still wasn’t properly sure how to express how he felt.

Sakurako was putting it all on herself again. She was the reason he was mad, she was the reason he’d been shot, she was the reason he’d died. It was a trait often easy to ignore, since it made it easy to absolve oneself of guilt if Sakurako had already done it for you.

Aren’t you being a bit judgemental here? Those in glass houses…

Oh, it was good to know that death was not a cure for whatever the hell his issues were. That just stuck with you, ingrained into the fabric of your being or whatever.

It wasn’t about being judgemental, though. This shit could not go unexamined. He’d already hurt Sakurako badly by deciding to not examine these sorts of things, by just letting it all slide off like nothing at all and if he kept doing so he’d just keep making the same mistakes sooner or later, right?

“You didn’t piss me off, seriously.” Thomas tried to clarify, deciding it’d be better to leave the recap to Sakurako, rather than try to speak over her on that matter.

“But… Sakurako, the getting shot thing… you weren’t even in there. Justin snuck up on me. Like, it you got shot that would’ve been my fault, but it’s-. And you weren’t going to push hard. It was my dying wish and shit. You weren’t going to just, say no… I knew that. It’s just…” He was fumbling around, still not making the problem clear.

“What I did… I basically, like, trapped you into something that was for sure gonna fuck you up for my benefit and even I… like, I realized it right at the end. And that… that’s not even the…” Tears again.

“Fuck… I’ve been thinking about this, you know? Still way fucking harder than I thought it’d be…” He sighed, steadying himself on a railing at the edge of the bumper cart ring.

[Sunnybunny]

As she listened to him speak, it was like looking in a funhouse mirror. Had Thomas realized how alike they were just yet?

It was painful to hear, and she realized what it was she actually had to give him for their metaphorical account to be square. It wasn't comfort, though she wanted very much to hold him, as he blamed himself for the failures Sakurako would have happily claimed as her own. After all, at the end of the day, there was only one murderer in this room.

"What's the worst part, Thomas?" Voice gentle as it could be, steadying just a little.

What was she missing about herself and anger? What was it about her feelings that made it easier to blame herself? Even trying, she couldn't put words to it. Maybe more talking would help, hurt, shake the point she wanted to make out of her heart and into her mouth.

"We came after you, Sean." A few minutes sooner and there was no point in thinking about saving anyone, they were all dead to- "Justin shot Tomtom, and Thomas wanted to get revenge then but I wanted to leave so we did. The bleeding wouldn't stop, it barely slowed. He wanted me to kill him, because he wanted..."

To matter. To do something good for someone he loved.

"I understood him but it wasn't what I wanted. But we argued and I lost."

There was more to it, of course. So much more, too much more, they might need a recess.

"None of this is your fault, before you start singing that tune. I'll be useless if you start crying too, you know?"

[Ohm]

Memories rushing in of Justin in that house, alone. Tire iron in hand as they fought, all because Sean wanted to be alone, needed to be alone in a corner of a random house to...

Him. This all happened when they came for him. Could go even further back, when he told Zach to go with them. He pulled them into his personal bullshit, and for what? So he could redeem his friend? Be a good guy? All he did was ruin everything they had going.

If he hadn't done that then this wouldn't have happened! Thomas would still be alive, Saku would still be alive...

Sean continued to look at the ground, words floating by him as the two talked. His hands curled into fists in his pockets, he wanted to go back to the corner again with the skee machines, with the rest of the clouts.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to go.

[Catche Jagger]

Sakurako was clearly handling this better than Thomas, not getting so worked up, so emotional. It’d be so easy to believe that she presented her feeling honestly here, that everything was fine, that she was fine, that all the pain just went away. The world didn’t work like that though, not even this one. Emotions and experiences remained intact even as their wounds had vanished, he’d learned that the hard way.

“The worst part- it’s that… I was so fucking selfish like that, just leaving you there with everything. Like, I didn’t even get it, what I was really doing I just…” Thomas felt his voice crack on the last word and he needed to clear his throat.

The boy wasn’t going to cry again. He needed to just come out with it.

“I didn’t get it until I was here and I just… I watched the next guy come along and do that same sort of thing, but twice over and just like with me you let it go and- I was so fucking angry then and I just… that’s when I got it. Sakurako, I’m a terrible boyfriend- I’m a terrible friend. You should hate me for what I did to you. I can’t…” Thomas had to stop and take a few breaths to stop himself from crying or getting angry or something.

It all kept bubbling up, his fury at Ace who wasn’t even fucking here, his rage at himself, frustration with the situation…

Despair at his inability to deal with any of this properly.

He probably looked like a complete buffoon to Sean, who’d seen him stumble over himself like this so many times on the island. He wanted to say something to the other boy, to more properly include him in this, but could think of nothing to say, simply glancing awkwardly at him instead, before returning his gaze to Sakurako.

[Sunnybunny]

She moved before she thought, or spoke, or responded in any way. Wiggling out of the go-kart built for two, Sakurako moved closer to the both of them, her stalwart companions even in death. The clout gang seemed to truly be forever, and that made her smile just a bit even in this mess.

"I'm an idiot. Cry all you want, if that's what you need." It would break her heart, but there seemed to be enough of that to go around anyway. "But I don't blame you Sean, and I won't. Not now or ever."

Who's fault was her death? Her pain, her suffering?

Her heart thumped, her eyes widened at the thought of that too, being shared. Before she knew it, she was bounding up to Thomas, all in his personal space. With a clear heart, a sound mind-

"You're a fucking idiot too, Thomas. You think for a second I wanted anyone else to die for me? That I'm not fucking selfish too? I would have watched you suffer for days just to spend more time with you, so who's terrible here again?"

All this love, all this hatred. She could feel it in her gut, directed inward and outwardly. Her hands trembled anew, and she clasped them together.

"But as fucked up as what he... If I couldn't even convince you to stay... there's gotta be something wrong with me, yeah?"

As twisted as it was, knowing she just wasn't good enough was it's own cold comfort.

[Ohm]

As if doing what he's told, Sean's eyes were brimming as he looked up at the two. They were yelling at each other now, but it wasn't like they were assigning blame to the other. It was more like a contest, which one was to fall on the sword for the other.

Thomas got shot by Justin, and he feels it was all his fault.

Sakurako killed him, and feels it was all her fault.

He moved his hands out of their pockets, but kept out at his sides. Hanging in the air, inept, useless.

Like he was back then.

"Do we really need to do this?" He made a gesture with his hand, arm moving in a wide motion. "Like this?" He took a deep breathe. Sean didn't need to in this place, but his chest heaved anyway as he waited.