Zion Jett

[EllisWilson]

Name: Zion Jett
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Hobbies and Interests: Professional wrestling, Weightlifting, Conspiracy theories

Appearance: Zion Jett is a white male of Irish and English heritage standing at 5’10” and weighing 230 lbs. He has hazel eyes, a wispy mustache, black hair that extends to the bottom of his neck, a small nose covered in an overabundance of freckles, an asymmetric jawline that sets his lower jaw further left than the rest of his face, and an overbite large enough to give him buckteeth if he doesn’t keep his large-lipped mouth closed. His overall body is rather round and pale, with a mild farmer’s tan along his face and forearms. While he’s still large enough to have a potbelly, his newfound obsession with weightlifting has produced some noticeable definition in his arms, chest, and back.

His avatar differs very little from this because he doesn’t believe his appearance needs improvements. This belief did not stop him from adding a pair of black tea shades that he insists upon wearing at all times. His backpack is black and grey, largely because he doesn’t quite understand how to modify it beyond that.

Zion has a preference in both “meatspace” and CR for cold colours and comfortable clothes, which he considers a personal weakness that he needs to offset with ‘manlier’ fashion choices. On the day of the incident, Zion’s avatar was wearing grey sweatpants, grey sneakers with dark blue colouration on the edges, and a cyan blue cutoff shirt that was accentuated with a black leather jacket. He had also styled his hair into a slick-backed mullet. Outside of Cyber Reality, Zion was wearing nothing but a pair of dirty white briefs.

Background: Zion was born as Malcom Douglas Jr. to Simone and Malcom Douglas in Los Angeles, California on August 4th as the first son, second child overall. Malcom and Simone, a pair of wealthy real estate tycoons already well known for their proximity to numerous film stars, developed beliefs that they needed to have as many children as they possibly could in order to ‘save’ the human race during Simone’s pregnancy with Zion. This belief, as would be determined after a documentary series titled Alien Minds was published, by Malcom claiming to receive visions from aliens that told him this, which was later determined by psychiatric professionals to be most likely caused by brain damage from being struck accidentally struck by a brick that had been accidentally kicked over the edge of a twenty story high apartment complex that he was funding the creation of. This left Malcom reliant on his wife’s care, but these delusions were actively encouraged by Simone’s wildly classist beliefs, as she took his talk of saving the human race as being in line with her own understanding of the world at large. The sudden shift in demeanour following Zions birth attracted wide spread media attention, in large part due to their active broadcasting of said beliefs.

The attention they received was primarily negative, but the combination of previous goodwill among a number of wealthy individuals alongside a shared distaste for the lower classes provided Malcom and Simone with a supportive base that worked as an echo chamber for their newly held beliefs. This showing of support only resulted in a greater deal of attention, as well as a number of paparazzo’s, journalists, and amateur detectives showing up unannounced at the Douglas home, which agitated the entire family greatly. It was an incident where a particular aggressive paparazzo tried to sneak his way into the house while the family was home, for which he was promptly arrested, that caused Malcom and Simone to uproot their burgeoning family from Los Angles and to the Great Basin Desert.

They made a large show of doing this, making several social media posts lambasting the press for, in their own minds, trying to undermine their mission by turning it into a media circus, which solidified the support of several other celebrities who had latched into the Douglas families ramblings out of a desire for publicity, a genuine belief in what Malcom was claiming, and/or a similar distaste for news publications. These people were invited to travel with the family to form a microcommunity, which they accepted without exception, as any who did try and convince the group otherwise, or anyone who tried to convince Malcom and Simone to get the former some kind of psychiatric help, were promptly exiled from speaking to the group, turning them more insular and hostile to outsiders. The commune that followed would become known to the general public as “The Elite Peoples of California.”

The cult was extremely militant in their beliefs and sought to drill it into the children’s heads as often and as violently as possible, which, in combination with a lack of genuine preparedness to survive in the desert that had many people, suffering from dehydration, malnutrition, and sun stroke, resulted in Zion, at the age of 4, sustaining his first bicep tear when Simone dug her nails into his arm and twisted it due to Zion dropping a glass, which broke. an act that resulted in Zion developing an extreme aversion to his mother, and with his father becoming increasingly incoherent and obsessed with the cult, Zion found himself spending a greater amount of time with the other children, of which he was the youngest.

The older kids, similarly wary of the adults, made it a point to protect Zion from the worst of the abuse that occurred to limited success. This protection was limited to Zion, as he was the least capable of protecting himself. The limited free time they had was dedicated to schoolyard games like Red Rover and Tackle Tag, which Zion was not allowed to participate in due to his age and the utter terror the other kids felt at the idea of hurting Simone Douglas’ son. This act, done out of a desire to protect him as well as themselves , was interpreted by Zion as an intentional act of exclusion by the older kids, as he did not fully understand why they were doing it, leaving him without many real friends aside from his 16 year old sister Eliza.

Zion absolutely adored Eliza, everything she said was gospel to him, including the promises she made of getting him far away from all the people who would do him harm. She and he would be practically joined at the hip, she would especially enjoy telling him about her experiences at art school before her family spirited her away to the desert. When he expressed an interest in doing art, that very night she snuck a stack of paper and pencils out of the tent they used for schooling and let him have at it. He would draw things that piqued his interest, such as a lizard sunning itself on a rock or a scorpion missing its stinger. That went on for six months before Mr. Burton, the one in charge of the school tent, finally noticed the missing pencils, which had been repeatedly taken by either Eliza or Zion to replace broken ones, and which had not been replaced by Burton in the mean time. In response to this, he called all of the children to the tent.

Burton demanded that whoever the thief was had to step forward or all of the children would be belted, as was the traditional ultimatum offered when the children misbehaved. Zion, fearful of being punished but not wanting the others to be punished for something they didn’t do, confessed before Eliza could stop him, as he didn’t want her to be punished either, and also felt that he was at fault anyway for wanting the supplies in the first place.

Burton, instead of belting the son of his boss, sternly warned him against doing it again before launching into that days lesson, which was about thieving and the consequences thereof. The older kids, who by this time had begun to deteriorate mentally and physically from a combination of the hostile environment, abuse from the adults, and the lack of supplies, would begin to truly listen and believe what Burton was saying to them. This would the lead to the older kids purposefully ostracizing Zion due to his apparent inferiority. Zion himself was utterly distraught by this regardless of how his sister tried to comfort him. Her words were the only thing keeping him from backsliding into pure self hatred, something which Simone didn’t help by launching into a screaming fit after being informed of the theft by Mr.Burton, which ended with her giving him his second ever bicep tear.He was 5 years old.

For the next two years of his life, Zion was ignored by the other kids, who were preoccupied with their own health issues and developing mental illnesses, which had been allowed to fester even after the commune finally started sending people out to gather supplies from nearby towns to mitigate the declining condition of the commune. While this helped to stave off the starvation and dehydration people were suffering, medical supplies were not being anymore replenished due to Simone declaring that any injury could be healed naturally, and without outside help.

This caused many of the older members to die off rather quickly, after which their bodies were dragged out of the communes limits and abandoned to the wildlife. One of them was Mr. Burton, who was replaced with the even more overzealous Thomas Haig, who had developed a reputation among the children as a screaming lunatic who would inflict corporal punishment at the slightest provocation. This reputation was lived up to quite frequently, but Zion and Eliza were left alone due to their shared status as Simone and Malcom’s children.

Most of the older children stopped being actively hostile to Zion, in large part because, with a more stable foundation of food and water, they were now able to think more clearly on the matter, but also partly because Simone was becoming to busy caring for an increasingly unhealthy Malcom to pay her children any mind. None of them apologized, however, which, in combination with the favouritism shown to him and his sister, forced Zion’s young mind into a state of mental splitting, which allowed him to rationalize the psychotic behaviour of the adults as being justified, and as himself and his sister as all good due to them next suffering nearly as much as the other kids. In response to this new frame of mind, Zion would begin to purposefully ignore the other kids, which confused and alienated them in equal measure. However, when Simone herself would abuse the other children, Zion would come to the conclusion that it was unjustified, as Zion and Eliza would also be abused by Simone, which he saw as completely bad. This made him even less social, even becoming unresponsive to Eliza for extended periods of time.

This abuse worsened as the cults leadership, Simone especially, would backslide into extreme paranoia of the world outside of their bubble, caused by the documentary crew for Alien Minds had tracked down the location of the commune through their outside contacts. Their attempts to receive an interview resulted in Simone declaring all outsiders as being the enemy and ordering their liaisons to the outside world to purchase whatever weapons they could to ‘defend themselves.’

Zion, concerned by this but still not quite getting the true severity of the situation, questioned Eliza about it. She told him that she would make sure he got out of the situation before things escalated and nothing else, which did little to answer his actual question but he took her declaration as a good sign.
He believed this until he woke up one morning to a house of three instead of a house of four. It was his 7th birthday. Simone was outraged about this disappearance, using it as justification for the extreme isolation of the group and deciding that armed patrols would ensure that no other people went missing. Zion himself was left at the mercy of Simone, who repeatedly interrogated him as to the whereabouts of his sister. When he gave insufficient answers, Simone would hit him, not believing that he didn’t see or know anything.

The physical abuse led Zion into a mental fork in the road, since he understood that Simone was a bad person, so Eliza running away was justified because of that. However, his feelings of abandonment also made him believe that Eliza herself was a bad person, as he was now being left to the devices of an even worse person while Eliza was gone, which he could not justify. This dilemma forced Zion into a state of doublethink, where he accepted that Eliza was both justified and unjustified in running away at the same time. In the meantime, the older kids were now being forced into abusive training regimes, ostensibly for the purpose of ‘war’ as declared by Simone. These regimes did nothing to help, and, in fact, led to three of the older children dying from heat exhaustion, infection from an untreated injury, thirst, or some combination thereof.

This chapter of his life ended ten months later when the ATF started cracking down on the group due to confirmed allegations of child abuse and due to the deplorable conditions of the camp. The raid ended peacefully given the circumstances, with the cult giving up their guns and their children without much of a fight due in large part to the remaining members of the cult being to exhausted physically and mentally by the lack of resources and collective heat stroke to fight back. No casualties were had on either side during the raid, and all of the adults were taken into police custody.

Zion was safe now, and he was about to learn who blew the whistle on this whole operation.

He was brought into a room to meet with Eliza Douglas, who explained to him that she had to leave him there to go into witness protection and that she as going take custody of him since, by this time, she was 19, but Zion was already tuned out. It didn’t matter the reason for it. She’d abandoned him and he rationalized that as her being a bad person, as the notion of himself being a bad person was not something he could manage.

Even still, Zion would learn soon after that his father, who had been diagnosed with brain cancer after being removed from the commune, had been declared dead in hospital. Learning this upset Zion greatly, as, in spite of his blatant psychological problems and the neglect resulting from that, Zion still felt a great deal of affection for Malcom. This stood in stark contrast to his fear and hatred of Simone, who was denied contact with anyone in her family or from the cult and who was sentenced to life in prison on five charges of negligent homicide and twenty six charges of child abuse. While Zion’s part in the trial was not overly long, the media coverage resulted in several less scrupulous members of the press and, once again, the crew of Alien Minds, to try and get a candid interview with the 7 year old son of the cult leaders. These attempts proved successful only for Alien Minds, who would use the interview of an obviously shaken, traumatized and, by the end of it, openly crying Malcom Douglas Jr to draw more eyes to their docuseries, for which neither Zion or Eliza were compensated.

This left Eliza and an incredibly traumatized Zion to pick up the pieces of their lives. They ended up being moved to San Jose at the behest of witness protection, with Eliza being rechristened as Rush Jett, and Malcom Douglas Jr becoming Zion Jett. This was largely because of the media circus surrounding the trial, and due to the interview broadcasting Zions uncensored face into peoples homes across the nation, which was deemed by witness protection as requiring a name change.

Zion grew up being increasingly anxious around his fellow kids due to his past experiences, a fact not helped by him needing to take a large number of remedial classes, which led to his self esteem plummeting and him actively avoiding talking to his classmates for fear of being seen as genetically inferior. In addition to this general anxiety, Zion also still retained his tendency toward mental splitting, in which he declared anyone who he felt was against him as ‘inferior’ and anyone who he saw as with him as ‘superior.’

This didn’t help him to actually socialize outside of the minimum requirement for a boy in public school. He instead latched onto professional wrestling as his source of companionship after his channel hopping led him to an episode of Monday Night Raw. He watched the show religiously, following closely the antics of Randy Orton specifically, as he liked how he didn’t need friends to be successful.

He was completely unwilling to participate in art classes as well during this time, another hold over fear from his time under Mr. Burton, and he also displayed a general distrust and even fear of his teachers, which resulted in several incidents of him just walking out of classes, occasionally preceded or followed by some kind of emotional outburst. Zion also suffered from insomnia during this time, and frequently threw tantrums at home that worried her enough that she took him to a number of child psychiatrists. He was ultimately diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Dr. Hall, the psychiatrist assigned to Zion, decided that a combination of medication and cognitive restructuring would be most effective. He prescribes Zoloft and had Zion describe his line of thinking, paying special attention to the points where Zion would mention holding a belief that others were purely ‘superior’ or ‘inferior.’ Eventually, when Zion was 12, Dr. Hall tried to explain to Zion that his past experiences with people did not necessarily translate to everyone else, and that declaring others as purely one thing did not make sense, as people could be many different things at once. Zion tried to argue that he understood this, bringing up his feelings toward his sister and her actions. This led to Zion becoming agitated and deciding that Dr. Hall was, because of his disagreement in Zions beliefs, an ‘inferior’ person. He stopped consenting to the therapy, which resulted in his treatments being cut off despite Rush’s protests.

Zion’s relationship with Rush began to deteriorate completely as he grew into his teen years, with his declining mental health and her own inexperience as a legal guardian resulting in Zion becoming increasingly paranoid, though his actual emotional outbursts were tempered, if only slightly. His paranoia and avoidance of people resulted in him refusing to go to an in person high school after he graduated, which forced Rush to enrol him into Sycamore so that he could still complete his education. Zion took to CR rather well all things considered, enjoying that he didn’t have to leave the safety of his room to partake in the outside world, but not participating in any CR exclusive activities.

Zion, by the time he started at Sycamore, had begun to develop beliefs that the United States government was attempting to control the populace through popular CR games and hangout spots. He believed this in addition to considering it a boon for himself. He took to regular online forums to try and find other people who might believe in what he did, and found himself falling into a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, all leading back to the ousting of Hannibal Garrett as president, which he bought into as being unjust and as evidence of a wider conspiracy.

His downward spiral was largely ignored by Rush, who, by this point, had become to exhausted to properly manage Zions behaviour. This forced Zion to engage online with people on his conspiracy forums to find support. What he found was a likeminded individual under the username ‘Sigmaniac’ who became fast friends with Zion. This new friend became something of a mentor figure for Zion, and Zion would place a great deal of trust in him even though he refused any attempts to pry into his past. Zion would soon be led into the ‘Manosphere’ by his new friend, and it was here that Zion truly began to shape his personality.

Zion became enamoured with the ideal of the ‘Sigma Male’ and sought to replicate it in his real life. To this end, he got into weightlifting at the behest of ‘Sigmaniac’ and several others. Rush, for her part, was just happy to see him trying to be constructive with his time, still largely ignorant of his online escapades.

Ultimately, Zion’s plan for his time after Sycamore lies with his online friends, and he is otherwise unenthused by things outside of this.

Personality: Zion is, first and foremost, full of himself. He’s gotten into better shape and, in his mind, that means he’s self actualized and no longer the weakling he was in childhood He’ll walk around like he owns any place he’s in and behave like he’s owed the world. If and when that entitlement is defied, he’ll become incensed and demand respect, but only if he thinks he can beat the target of his ire in a fight. If he doesn’t think he can win, he’ll grumble to himself and not kick up a fuss. Up to this point, he hasn’t actually gotten into an actual fight despite how convinced he is he would win, and is secretly grateful for that fact.

Zion also has a propensity for holding contradictory viewpoints, as well as separating people into categories of ‘superior’ and ‘inferior’ for reasons that rarely actually line up with what those terms mean. In conversations, this manifests in him espousing statements that, at worst, may directly conflict with previous ones in a manner that doesn’t allow them to gel together. If someone points this out to him, his response will vary between acknowledging this and remaining amicable or terminating the conversation outright. This is also dependent on where the person he is talking to fits in his previously state categories.

Zion holds a number of misogynistic and racist beliefs that he’s rather open about even when he shouldn’t be, and will smugly pronounce anyone who disagrees with him a ‘beta cuck’ or some other such term. He’s throughly convinced that he’s right about most things and will be incredibly resistant to changing his mindset. Likewise, his past experiences and dabbling in conspiracy theories have left him with feelings of paranoia surrounding those around him, anticipating the worst from those outside of his immediate circle of associates. As another consequence of this, he also holds some bizarre beliefs in how the world operates, specifically, he believes that the American government is actively watching him, though how severely this affects him ultimately depends on his overall mood at any given moment.

Outside of his utterly repellent personality, Zion is also desperate for companionship, uncomprehending of the fact that it’s him who’s the problem in most of his interactions, but still very dearly wanting a friend whose name he actually knows. This allows him to, sometimes, be nice or even charming to people, but he’ll just as frequently fuck it up by offering unsolicited advice that is often grossly offensive due to his rather extreme opinions, which puts him right back at square one in terms of attitude.

Due to this, he’ll often perform a ‘preemptive strike’ which translates to bullying people whom he thinks will hate him anyway. He sees no connection between this and his social isolation, and it only feeds into his antisocial behaviour when the obvious does occur. While he pretends like this is no big deal to him, it wounds him quite deeply when people reject him, and this results in him getting uncomfortably clingy with the few people he can get to tolerate him.

Outside of Cyber Reality Zion is not nearly as openly antagonistic toward people, and can behave pleasantly to people regardless of gender, though he remains standoffish. If the conversation turns to politics, CR, or his prior negativity in CR, Zion will become openly hostile.

Reputation: Zion is extremely unpopular with his classmates due to his shit behaviour and open misogyny, though this hasn’t stopped him from finding a few people who can at least tolerate his attitude in limited doses. People who know him outside of CR or the internet will find him more tolerable, though may still express confusion and/or disturbance at the contrast between his real life and CR demeanour.

The school staff are even less fond of his behaviour, as they feel it worsens the learning environment overall. They’ve repeatedly had to give him warnings for his behaviour, and have contacted Rush just as frequently, which has resulted in there being talks of having him transferred out of Sycamore due to the number of complaints the school administration has received about him. However, due to his age, it has been determined that they will just monitor him more closely until he graduates.

Due to the efforts of witness protection and a speedy news cycle, Zions past as Malcom Douglas Jr is unknown to his classmates.

[Cicadan]

Hello there! Apologies for the delay in getting around to this critique, staff has all at once been busy and or indisposed the past few weeks. Getting this critique underway:

[+] .

First off you'd messed up the bolding formatting and the entire profile is bold instead of just the headers of each section. Probably a missing [/B] or a misplaced one somewhere in the code, it happens.

Zion Jett is a white (Irish and Angelo-Saxon)

Please don't use parentheses in profiles in general, it's a blanket rule for the sake of standardization. In this case you can say these things without parentheses.

an asymmetric jaw line that sets his lower jaw further left than the rest of his face (though only a bit)

parenthetical

His avatar differs very little from this (You can’t improve perfection, he says)

parenthetical. In this particular case, we dont quote in-game characters (or people in general) as part of a profile, it's also a tonal no-no. You can say he doesn't believe his avatar needs improvements but not using a quote of somebody else.

black tea glasses

Took me a bit to figure out what this was, I think teashades is the formal term.

Zions avatar

Zion's

What is his general preference in terms of clothes and accessories in meatspace and in Cyber?

certainly not the last one. You see

This is part of what I mentioned earlier, in terms of avoiding certain tonal things we don't consider standard in SOTF profiles. We don't address the reader in a profile, so no things like 'you see' and 'it may be apparent to you that', that sort of thing. And we like neutral tones, so certainly in this case is also a bit much. You can say something like:

'Zion was born to Simone and Malcom Jett of Los Angles, California on August 4th as the first son, second child overall, but not the last one. Malcom and Simone developed the belief that they needed to have as many children as they possibly could in order to ‘save’ the human race,'

And this says the same things but is much more 'neutral'. Think of the profile as a boring office document written by someone who in no way cares about the kids or their stories. Assembling the profile on a factory line, no flourishes of emotion in any of the writing.

like minded (and wealthy)

parenthetical

I feel like, for a move this radical, I'd want to see a bit more on the background of Zion's parents to understand their motivations and how they may have influenced Zion growing up.

twisted it for the heinous crime of getting distracted by a bug on the floor when he should have been listening to her prattle on about the diseased poors of the world and how they needed to be subjugated

Summarize this a bit, too much detail for a specific event that gives us no direct characterization insights.

Beyond the violence and abuse and his sister helping him how was Zion's life in the commune? He had to be around other kids, did he have friends? What about the younger siblings? How did schooling go? He would have developed hobbies and interests of some sort even if often in a state of paranoia due to the hostile environment, what about those?

and he was about to learn who blew the whistle on this whole operation

Redundant and unnecessary.

Malcom, for no reason discernible to anyone but himself, arrived at the court house with an adult horse that he tried to bring through security. When they obviously refused this, he pulled out a gun and shot himself on the spot, which would be bad enough if it hadn’t sent the horse into a complete freak out, which Zion had the misfortune of being caught in the middle of when the thing broke into the courtroom and nearly stomped on him.

This proceeding of events is a bit ridiculous. Real life often is, but I don't see how this provides any relevant details to Zion's story? I'd excise it and just briefly note Malcom was too incompetent/indisposed to attend the trial proceedings.

Also how old is Rush that she can fight for legal guardianship of her own little brother? I presume she's being assisted by the government as part of the general proceedings against the commune/cult, but Rush would need to be a legal adult or they'd probably try to rope in a relative or something.

In fact, as he started growing older (and going through puberty)

parenthetical

My presumption if they were moved to San Jose is that it would have been with assistance from Witness Protection. Shouldn't Zion and Rush both be operating under assumed aliases at this point?

Could you briefly go into detail about how Zion integrated into school between getting to San Jose and Sycamore? I feel like he would need a lot of remedial classes and such, is he not behind in his academics? How is that going for him? I assume he was also a loner and distrustful of other kids at this time (?) but specify if that was the case or not.

to form a multi armed nightmare from which no women would enter and leave without some very funny screenshots

Rememember, neutral tone in profile.

He got into weightlifting and into discussing politics that he had absolutely no understanding of but acted like he did, his faceless buddies gassing him up the whole way through high school until he started believing his own hype at 17, where he would start swaggering around in the same way he did on Internet forums, though now it was in the cyber reality of his high school.

The way this is stated, it seems his Personality as elaborated on has only recently come to the forefront of his social presentation. In this case, how was he at Sycamore prior to this? Or did he only recently enroll into the school at at later grade? In Sycamore how are his academics? How is his relationship with Rush, what does he think about his past traumatic experiences, does he repress them, acknowledge he might need therapy in the future?

In general, while this is an interesting profile with some good ideas going for it, you need to remember Zion is first and foremost a character, not a list of traumatic experiences and backstory. We need to get a sense of how he moved through the world growing up and how it led to the present iteration of him that ends up being kidnapped by cyber terrorists.

but only if he thinks he can beat the target of his ire in a fight

Is he actually willing to fight people? If any fighting happens this is very complicated in terms of potential consequences, I'd like this fully elaborated on.

(women in the kitchen, “The Wall”, etc.)

Parenthetical

though having the spectre of death hanging over his head might just do the trick.

Tonally inappropriate and also unnecessary anyways.

(often grossly offensive)

parenthetical

The alt-right manosphere is definitely a minority thing among young men of Zion's age! Sure he probably repells literally all women but does he not have at least a few friends in Sycamore who feel his energy?

That's it!

[EllisWilson]

Edited required areas.

[Dogs231]

Hello, EllisWilson. I (and the rest of the SOTF: Cyber team) want to offer our sincerest apologies for the delay in your critique. From here on out, I will be your new critique staff for this profile. First, I would like to start with a small shpiel—this is a process, but the goal is not to hold your character back; it is to help make their profile shine even more than it already does.

I also want to say that I will go for a slightly different approach to this critique. Usually, I try to hit everything in one go. However, as this critique will include some major requests for revision, I intend to mostly hit on big details (as well as ones I do not believe will change, such as in his appearance), and we can get more into the nitty-gritty afterward.

Hobbies and Interests: Professional Wrestling, Weightlifting, Conspiracy Theories

Profiles use the Hobbies and Interests section as a list format, which means that only the first word of the first item in the list ("Professional wrestling") should be capitalized (unless some of the other items in the list are proper nouns in which case they should also get capitalized as with any other proper noun). So you would want it to be like:

Hobbies and Interests: Professional wrestling, weightlifting, conspiracy theories

Zion Jett is a white male of Irish and Angelo-Saxon heritage standing at 5’10 and weighing 230 lbs.

There are a few issues here. The word in question is "Anglo-Saxon," not "Angelo-Saxon." Second, "Anglo-Saxon" is a bit too floral to describe his being of English descent; most English people are, to some degree or another, descended in part from the Angles and Saxons. Third, when you write out Zion's height, add an " at the end to make the format correct.

Here is a corrected version of that sentence:

Zion Jett is a white male of Irish and English heritage standing at 5'10" and weighing 230 lbs.

[...] a small nose covered in an dover abundance of freckles, [...]

There is a typo here.

[...] a small nose covered in an overabundance of freckles, [...]

[...] an asymmetric jaw line that sets his lower jaw further left than the rest of his face, [...]

There is an unnecessary space here.

[...] an asymmetric jawline that sets his lower jaw further left than the rest of his face, [...]

[...] and an overbite large enough to give him buckteeth if he doesn’t keep his large lipped mouth closed.

There is a missing hyphen here.

[...] and an overbite large enough to give him buckteeth if he doesn’t keep his large-lipped mouth closed.

His overall body is rather round and pale, with a mild esfarmers tan along his face and forearms.

There is another typo here.

His overall body is rather round and pale, with a mild farmer's tan along his face and forearms.

Zion has a preference in both meatspace and CR for cold colours and comfortable clothes, which he considers a personal weakness that he needs to offset with ‘manlier’ fashion choices.

"Meatspace" is a colloquial term and should be treated as such (ie. using quotations around it). Other than that, this sentence looks good to me.

Zion has a preference in both "Meatspace" and CR for cold colours and comfortable clothes, which he considers a personal weakness that he needs to offset with ‘manlier’ fashion choices.

He had also styled his hair into a slick backed mullet.

There is another missing hyphen here. It should also be "slicked-back," not "slick-backed."

He had also styled his hair into a slicked-back mullet.

Zion was born as Malcom Douglas Jr. to Simone and Malcom Douglas in Los Angles, California [...]

The correct spelling is "Los Angeles, California."

Zion was born as Malcom Douglas Jr. to Simone and Malcom Douglas in Los Angeles, California [...]

[...] on August 4th as the first son, second child overall, but not the last one.

'Their' first son, not 'the' first son. Second, I would appreciate it if, around this point in the profile, you gave a list of Zion's siblings with their ages. We know about Eliza (his older sister) and Zion himself, but what about their other siblings? You mention that there are more, but they don't seem to come up again in the profile; was he separated from them at some point?

This belief was spurred primarily by Malcom claiming to receive visions from aliens that told him this but was also encouraged by Simone’s wildly classist prejudices.

What caused Malcom Sr.'s claims of 'visions from aliens'? His erratic and strange actions throughout the rest of the profile imply extremely severe mental health issues, but it's never stated conclusively for us to know. In addition, did Simone agree with his insane views, or were they merely an excuse to put her own classist beliefs into practice?

The sudden shift in demeanour following Zions birth attracted wide spread media attention, primarily negative, but the combination of previous goodwill among a number of wealthy individuals alongside a shared distaste for the lower classes allowed Malcom and Simone to uproot their burgeoning family from LA and to the Great Basin desert.

First, there's a missing apostrophe ("Zions" should be "Zion's") and an unnecessary space ("wide spread" should be "widespread). Second, the place names should be "Los Angeles" (not LA) and "the Great Basin Desert" (not "the Great Basin desert"). Just some quick fixes.

The sudden shift in demeanour following Zion's birth attracted widespread media attention, primarily negative, but the combination of previous goodwill among a number of wealthy individuals alongside a shared distaste for the lower classes allowed Malcom and Simone to uproot their burgeoning family from Los Angeles and to the Great Basin Desert.

Third, I've got some questions about their views and their publicity of them, as well as their relocation. Were their beliefs disclosed publically, or did they try to keep to themselves? What provoked them into moving and forming a commune? Why did they choose the Great Basin in particular? How did they convince others to go along with their unhinged beliefs? Did anyone try to stop them or talk them out of their actions?

The commune that followed would become known to the general public as The Elite Peoples of California.

The name of this group should probably be in quotations.

The commune that followed would become known to the general public as "the Elite Peoples of California."

The cult was a extremely militant in their beliefs and sought to drill it into the children’s heads as often and as violently as possible, which resulted in Zion, at the age of 4, sustaining his first bicep tear when Simone dug her nails into his arm and twisted it, an act that resulted in Zion developing an extreme aversion to his mother, and with his father becoming increasingly incoherent and obsessed with the horses that a retired western actor had brought to the commune, Zion found himself spending a greater amount of time with the other children, of which he was the youngest.

This one sentence runs longer than some of the paragraphs in this profile. It'd be better if you cut it down a bit. A good rule of thumb is to end a sentence the moment you are about to switch topics. As we go through the parts of it, I'll also point out different issues with it.

[...] which resulted in Zion, at the age of 4, sustaining his first bicep tear when Simone dug her nails into his arm and twisted it, an act that resulted in Zion developing an extreme aversion to his mother, [...]

Why did this incident happen? Is there any reason why Simone attacked her child like this? This (along with much of what's going on in the cult) is some pretty serious abuse and some additional insight into her mindset would be appreciated—even if that mindset of hers is (as I suspect it will prove to be) seriously deranged and mostly detached from reality.

[...] and with his father becoming increasingly incoherent and obsessed with the horses that a retired western actor had brought to the commune, [...]

I don't think the specific reasons why his father was mentally detached from Zion (namely, the obsession with a Western actor's horses) are particularly relevant in this profile, only that he is; you can just say that Malcom Sr., due to his increasing obsession with the commune and deteriorating mental health, was unable or unwilling to help his son. All the extraneous details (which we'll hit on as we go on) can be reduced from the profile and saved as a flavor for posts from Zion's perspective.

[...] Zion found himself spending a greater amount of time with the other children, of which he was the youngest.

You noted that he was not the last of the couple's children. But here, you mention him being the youngest of the children in the commune. Is there any reason for that contradiction?

The older kids, similarly wary of the adults, made it a point to protect Zion from the worst of the abuse that occurred to limited success.

I find this part of his biography remarkably compelling, and I would like to know more about it, especially given that this detail is glossed over (and later contradicted by things later in the profile). Was this typically how children trapped within the commune treated one another (the older ones banding together to protect the most vulnerable among them from the cult's abuse) or was this exclusive to Zion (the youngest and thus most vulnerable child in their midst)? Did they meet any resistance from their parents or other adults in the commune due to their protection of Zion?

The limited free time they had was dedicated to schoolyard games like Red Rover and Tackle Tag, which Zion was not allowed to participate in due to his age and the utter terror the other kids felt at the idea of hurting Simone Douglas’ son. This left him without many real friends aside from his 16 year old sister Eliza.

I am a little confused about this section and its details. You mentioned before that the other children felt protective of Zion but now say he did not have many friends outside his sister. Why is that? Did he feel isolated from them due to their exclusion of him? Was their exclusion of him from these activities meant to be protective, or was it meant to be ostracizing? How did Zion interpret his exclusion by the other children?

He would excessively draw things that piqued his interest, such as a lizard sunning itself on a rock or a scorpion missing its stinger.

I would not consider this to be "excessive." Zion, an extremely young child, is trapped within an abusive and traumatic environment and seems to be using art to cope with it. I would change this sentence to reflect that.

"He would draw things that piqued his interest, such as a lizard sunning itself on a rock or a scorpion missing its stinger."

That went on for six months before Mr. Burton, the one in charge of the school tent, finally cottoned on to the missing supplies and called all of the children to the tent.

How did he notice? It seems unlikely that a few pencils and papers here and there would be enough cause for alarm.

Burton demanded that whoever the thief was had to step forward or all of the children would be belted.

I am curious to know, was collective punishment of this nature a frequent occurrence in the commune, or was this a unique case?

Zion, fearful of this, immediately confessed before Eliza could stop him.

Was there pressure on Zion to confess to the theft? Eliza was the one who took the art supplies in the first place, so it strikes me as odd that Zion was the one who confessed. Why did he confess to it despite being innocent of the theft in question?

The older kids, now listening to Burton preach about how thieving was a sign of inferior genetics, would soon after begin to purposefully ostracize Zion due to his apparent inferiority.

What about this caused them to turn against Zion? Before, the other children were protective of the young boy. And he put himself on the line to protect them from being punished. I'm curious as to why they would ostracize him after something like this unless there was external pressure placed on them to do so—he stood up to keep them from being punished, which is a very brave thing of him to do, and I feel like at least some of them would appreciate and respect the courage he showed to them.

For the next two years of his life, Zion was used as an example of genetic inferiority for a number of topics.

This point seems odd; given that Zion's family was in charge of the cult, wouldn't treating him as 'genetically inferior' imply that his family also was? Given their beliefs, I imagine they wouldn't react well to that. Was there a reason Zion received this label and not his parents or sister?

He himself was taught very little outside of basic math equations, unlike his classmates, who would begin to shake their fear of retaliation in order to include him in much more mean spirited games where the objective was always who could make Zion cry first.

Again, I am left wondering as to why his classmates became so purposefully brutal towards Zion. Was this something orchestrated by older members of the commune? If so, why? It feels counter-intuitive, especially given the position in the hierarchy they hold.

This chapter of his life ended the same month he turned 7, when the FBI started cracking down on the group due to confirmed allegations of child abuse and also because they were beginning to stockpile automatic weapons. It ended surprisingly peacefully given the circumstances, with the cult giving up their guns and their children without much of a fight. Zion was safe now, and he was about to learn who blew the whistle on this whole operation.

He was brought into a room to meet with Eliza Douglas, who explained to him that she had to leave him there to go into witness protection and that she as going take custody of him since, by this time, she was 19, but Zion was already tuned out. It didn’t matter the reason for it. She’d abandoned him and he was always gonna remember that no matter what she did for him.

First, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) would not be the agency involved in a case of a cult stockpiling weapons; the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE/ATF) would be the agency to issue the initial search and arrest warrants (as was the case in the raid on the Mount Carmel Center in Waco, Texas).

The involvement of the FBI would be a last resort were the ATF unable to execute their objective. As you say later in the paragraph, the cult surrendered "without much of a fight" (I am not sure whether you mean to say there was no violence or kept to a minimum), and thus, from what I can tell, there is no reason the FBI would need to be involved.

Second, what were the ramifications? Did the group merely have to give up their weapons and children? Every adult involved in the cult should get booked on criminal charges (without bail) due to their heinous actions and abuses. These are serious crimes with consequences. I do not see them getting away with what amounts to a slap on the wrist.

I have some serious issues with the timeline here, too; Eliza goes missing from the commune for a month (seemingly no attempt made to search for or find her), informs the federal government about the cult's activities, and the whole investigation gets wrapped in the span of a month. This timeline is far too short, in my opinion.

I will provide an article from the Federal Bureau of Investigation website (https://www.fbi.gov) called A Brief Description of the Federal Criminal Justice Process. I recommend that you look it over, as its information may be helpful to you as you go through and edit the timeline. I would also recommend doing research into the ATF and other agencies.

Even still, Simone, despite her obvious instability, was able to rope the two of them into a highly publicized custody battle that lasted 6 months, wherein Zion was forced to watch and listen as his mom and sister tore into each other viciously for every single flaw and failing they could think of, a pattern that continued until, on June 7th, Malcom, who had been deemed incompetent by the court during the cults criminal trial, wandered into Rush and Simone’s custody battle and stripped himself naked in the middle of the court room for all of the spectators and cameras to see. This resulted in Simone erupting into a screaming fit and physically assaulting him until she was restrained by the bailiffs. Zion saw all of this.

This section also needs some significant changes. I am not an expert on family law (especially not when it intersects with criminal law as it does here ), but this scenario feels implausible. I understand the desire to add color to Zion's background, and I do not think you do it with bad intent, but there are some serious fundamental issues with the whole situation.

First, Simone is a criminal ex-cultist and known child abuser with serious mental issues. Her husband, Malcom, is likely insane. There is no way a custody battle of this sort would last six months; a typical divorce case (which would include custody) lasts two-six months. This scenario is a cut-and-dry case where it should be obvious both parents are unfit.

Second, it is likely that Eliza/Rush would be able to file an emergency (ex parte) order under California law based on immediate potential harm to Zion's life to secure (at the very least temporary) custody over him, given the astronomical amount of abuse he has suffered and her evident mental instability and extreme violent tendencies. Any judge would rule for her.

Third, why are these custody cases taking place at the same time, in the same courthouse, as the criminal charges? How did Malcom escape his own trial long enough to strip naked and invade the courtroom (no doubt having to evade the court officers the entire time)? How does he even know which courtroom their ongoing custody trial is located in?

Also, all these people would be so ridiculously in contempt of court that it's not even funny.

Needless to say, Simone lost the case and quickly disappeared from the public eye, while Malcom was committed to a mental hospital.

I don't think Simone would be allowed to 'disappear from the public eye.' Most likely, she would go directly to jail. Given the circumstances, though, I can see Malcom being involuntarily committed (since it seems crystal clear that there is something wrong going on in his brain.)

This left Eliza and an incredibly traumatized Zion to pick up the pieces of their lives.

You mention that Zion is traumatized here. Could I have more details on how that trauma affects him? He was a victim of child abuse for his entire life until the age of seven, raised in a cult environment, bullied and isolated, and believes he was abandoned by his own sister, all at an incredibly young and vulnerable age. Alone, any single one of these things would be enough to leave someone traumatized, let alone all of them at once. Zion would likely need therapy for the rest of his life.

I need more explanation on how his trauma impacts him across the three stages of his life (during his time in the cult, after his time in the cult, and in the present day) and how he responds to the impacts of his trauma.

They ended up being moved to San Jose at the behest of witness protection, with Eliza being rechristened as Rush Jett, and Malcom Douglas Jr becoming Zion Jett.

I need more details on their involvement with witness protection. Did Zion and Rush testify at the trial of the cult's members? Which witness protection did they join—the United States Federal Witness Protection Program (WPP) / Witness Security Program (WITSEC) or the California Witness Relocation and Assistance Program (CalWRAP)? How does being in witness protection impact their life today? Do they ever fear that their original identities will get exposed? Do they fear retribution by the cult?

The two began to exchange private messages after the fact, first about how stupid their opponents were, then about their personal lives which, to the shock of Zion, were incredibly similar in terms of social status. Sigmaniac would go on to link Zion to another forum that he claimed would change his life forever.

Zion should absolutely not be talking about his personal life to strangers on the internet. He is in the witness protection program for his own safety—people usually only end up in witness protection if there is a solid chance they will get murdered otherwise. How much of his life did he share online? Outing himself in this way could get Zion killed.

Anyway, that is all for the first go-round. I am sure this will look like a lot, but I am confident you can do it. I think you have a workable concept with Zion. However, a complex story like this also means you have to balance the stranger elements of his profile (cults, witness protection, etc.) with realistic and thought-out consequences. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about this critique, you can message me on Discord, where I use the same handle as on the site.

[EllisWilson]

Edits made. I changed a fair amount of the backstory as well, hopefully it’s a bit less outlandish than it was.

[Dogs231]

Hello again. I will be continuing your critique. Unfortunately, while your backstory for Zion is more realistic in some areas, it's also more troubling for our critique. I'm not going to mince words when I say that, as it stands, there is going to be a lot of work involved to get the current version up to code—and I mean that literally, considering the fact I've had to spend several hours researching the California Penal Code for this critique. That said, while this new version needs more than a bit of work, I'm willing to put in the work and work with you to make it work.

Hobbies and Interests: Professional wrestling, Weightlifting, Conspiracy theories

I will repeat the same thing I said in the last critique since this still is not quite right.

Profiles use the Hobbies and Interests section as a list format, which means that only the first word of the first item in the list ("Professional wrestling") should be capitalized (unless some of the other items in the list are proper nouns in which case they should also get capitalized as with any other proper noun). So you would want it to be like:

Hobbies and Interests: Professional wrestling, weightlifting, conspiracy theories

If I give you an example of how to reword or change something, then that is because I do not mind if you copy it. The goal is to get your profile from Point A (character submitted) to Point B (character approved). Usually, if I give a recommendation, that is the express lane. Feel free to use it!

Zion has a preference in both “meatspace” and CR for cold colours and comfortable clothes, which he considers a personal weakness that he needs to offset with ‘manlier’ fashion choices.

So, this one is on me! I forgot to note that since "Meatspace" is a place name (as a colloquial term for the physical world—the opposite of "Cyberspace"), it should get capitalized as a proper noun.

Zion has a preference in both "Meatspace" and CR for cold colours and comfortable clothes, which he considers a personal weakness that he needs to offset with 'manlier' fashion choices.

He had also styled his hair into a slick-backed mullet.

As I said, this should say "slicked-back" and not "slick-backed."

He had also styled his hair into a slicked-back mullet.

This belief, as would be determined after a documentary series titled Alien Minds was published, by Malcom claiming to receive visions from aliens that told him this, which was later determined by psychiatric professionals to be most likely caused by brain damage from being struck accidentally struck by a brick that had been accidentally kicked over the edge of a twenty story high apartment complex that he was funding the creation of.

This sentence is a little clunky. In addition, it runs a little too long, and the details are unnecessary—you describe things with detail, which is a good trait in a writer, and this (a traumatic brain injury) is a reasonable explanation for his erratic behavior. However, for our purposes, we only need the broad strokes unless it is directly relevant to Zion and his life. I would leave out most of the second half and shorten it, as well as reword it:

This belief, inspired by a documentary series titled Alien Minds, was caused by Malcom's claim to have received visions from aliens—likely resulting from brain damage he suffered during a workplace accident.

This left Malcom reliant on his wife’s care, but these delusions were actively encouraged by Simone’s wildly classist beliefs, as she took his talk of saving the human race as being in line with her own understanding of the world at large.

This sentence, again, runs a little long. I would chop it up and simplify it:

The accident left Malcom reliant on his wife's care. However, his delusions were encouraged by Simone, who used his fantasies to further her own wildly classist belief system.

The sudden shift in demeanour following Zions birth attracted wide spread media attention, in large part due to their active broadcasting of said beliefs.

You missed something I said in the first critique.

First, there's a missing apostrophe ("Zions" should be "Zion's") and an unnecessary space ("wide spread" should be "widespread).

The sudden shift in demeanour following Zion's birth attracted widespread media attention, in large part due to their active broadcasting of said beliefs.

The attention they received was primarily negative, but the combination of previous goodwill among a number of wealthy individuals alongside a shared distaste for the lower classes provided Malcom and Simone with a supportive base that worked as an echo chamber for their newly held beliefs.

I will repeat this point, but many of your sentences run long. A good rule of thumb is to cut the sentence with a period whenever the topic shifts. In addition, I would change the wording "a number of" to "several." Last, I would change "newly held" to "newly-held."

The attention they received was primarily negative. However, the combination of previous goodwill by several wealthy individuals and a shared distaste for the lower classes provided Malcom and Simone with a supportive base. That base functioned as an echo chamber for their newly-held beliefs.

This showing of support only resulted in a greater deal of attention, as well as a number of paparazzo’s, journalists, and amateur detectives showing up unannounced at the Douglas home, which agitated the entire family greatly.

The sentence runs a little long; cut it up and simplify parts. Second, I would change "showing of support" to "show of support." Lastly, it should be "paparazzos" with no apostrophes, as there is no indication of possession.

This show of support only resulted in more attention. Paparazzos, journalists, and amateur detectives began to show up unannounced at the Douglas home. That agitated the family.

It was an incident where a particular aggressive paparazzo tried to sneak his way into the house while the family was home, for which he was promptly arrested, that caused Malcom and Simone to uproot their burgeoning family from Los Angles and to the Great Basin Desert.

I would cut down and clean up this sentence, as it switches topics frequently. In addition, there is another typo here: "Los Angles" should be "Los Angeles."

Eventually, there was an incident where a particularly aggressive paparazzo snuck into the house before being promptly arrested. That was the final straw for Malcom and Simone, who decided to uproot their burgeoning family from Los Angeles to the Great Basin Desert.

They made a large show of doing this, making several social media posts lambasting the press for, in their own minds, trying to undermine their mission by turning it into a media circus, which solidified the support of several other celebrities who had latched into the Douglas families ramblings out of a desire for publicity, a genuine belief in what Malcom was claiming, and/or a similar distaste for news publications.

This sentence runs way too long. Chop it up and cut it down.

They made a show out of their move. They accused the press of turning their mission into a media circus. In the process, they rallied other celebrities to their side, who supported their movement for many reasons, whether genuine or insincere.

These people were invited to travel with the family to form a microcommunity, which they accepted without exception, as any who did try and convince the group otherwise, or anyone who tried to convince Malcom and Simone to get the former some kind of psychiatric help, were promptly exiled from speaking to the group, turning them more insular and hostile to outsiders.

Chop it up. Cut it down.

In addition, there should be a hyphen in micro-community.

These celebrities got invited to travel with their family to form a micro-community. Anyone who tried to convince the group otherwise or had doubts about the Douglases got barred from further communications. That made the group insular and hostile to outsiders.

The commune that followed would become known to the general public as “The Elite Peoples of California.”

"The" should not be capitalized.

The commune that followed would become known to the general public as "the Elite Peoples of California."

The cult was extremely militant in their beliefs and sought to drill it into the children’s heads as often and as violently as possible, which, in combination with a lack of genuine preparedness to survive in the desert that had many people, suffering from dehydration, malnutrition, and sun stroke, resulted in Zion, at the age of 4, sustaining his first bicep tear when Simone dug her nails into his arm and twisted it due to Zion dropping a glass, which broke.

Again, this sentence is too long and covers too many topics.

Chop it up. Cut it down.

In addition, I would replace "drill it" with "drill them." As before, you should have the age numbers in the background spelled out as words. ("Four" not "4")

I am also unsure what you mean by the dehydration, malnutrition, and sunstroke resulting in the bicep tear. I think the impression given is that the poor material conditions of the commune caused its members to suffer negative psychological repercussions, but if so, that needs further elaboration. I will correct the sentences around that area pending further clarification.

The cult was extremely militant in their beliefs and sought to drill them into the children's heads as often and as violently as possible. [...]

[...] These factors resulted in Zion, at the age of four, having sustained his first bicep tear when Simone dug her nails into his arm and twisted it. She did it because he dropped a glass, which broke.

an act that resulted in Zion developing an extreme aversion to his mother, and with his father becoming increasingly incoherent and obsessed with the cult, Zion found himself spending a greater amount of time with the other children, of which he was the youngest.

There is a missing capital at the start. In addition, I would not consider this an "extreme" aversion—Zion's mother is abusive. This aversion is, if anything, extremely reasonable.

Second, as usual, shorten it and chop it up.

This act resulted in Zion developing an aversion to his mother. In addition, his father became increasingly incoherent and obsessed with the cult. As a result, Zion spent more and more time with the other children, of whom he was the youngest.

The older kids, similarly wary of the adults, made it a point to protect Zion from the worst of the abuse that occurred to limited success. This protection was limited to Zion, as he was the least capable of protecting himself.

I would shorten things a little and add an em dash (—) before "to limited success" to indicate the change in topics. In addition, I would explain why Zion was the least capable, as though most would get the idea we prefer things restated for easier readability.

The other kids, similarly wary of the adults, made it a point to protect Zion from the worst abuse—to limited success. This protection was limited to Zion, as, due to his age, he was the least able to protect himself.

The limited free time they had was dedicated to schoolyard games like Red Rover and Tackle Tag, which Zion was not allowed to participate in due to his age and the utter terror the other kids felt at the idea of hurting Simone Douglas’ son.

It would be "Simone Douglas's son," not "Simone Douglas' son." In addition, you should break up the sentences more.

Their limited free time was dedicated to schoolyard games like Red Rover and Tackle Tag. Zion, however, could not participate due to his age—and the terror other children felt at possibly hurting Simone Douglas's son.

This act, done out of a desire to protect him as well as themselves , was interpreted by Zion as an intentional act of exclusion by the older kids, as he did not fully understand why they were doing it, leaving him without many real friends aside from his 16 year old sister Eliza.

First, there's an unnecessary space between "themselves" and its following comma. Second, "16 year old" should be "sixteen-year-old." Third, this sentence is run-on and needs to be chopped up.

The act, done out of a desire to protect both Zion and themselves, was interpreted as an intentional exclusion by Zion, not understanding their rationale. That left him without many real friends, aside from his sixteen-year-old sister Eliza.

Zion absolutely adored Eliza, everything she said was gospel to him, including the promises she made of getting him far away from all the people who would do him harm.

This sentence runs on too long, reducing its impact.

Zion adored Eliza. Everything she said was gospel to him—including the promises she made of getting him far away from those who would do him harm.

She and he would be practically joined at the hip, she would especially enjoy telling him about her experiences at art school before her family spirited her away to the desert.

This sentence runs too long. I would replace "She and he" with the more generic (but easier to parse) "the siblings." In addition, I would change out any mentions of "her family" with one that also includes Zion (ie. "they," "their family.").

The siblings were, in effect, joined at the hip. In particular, Eliza enjoyed telling him about her experiences at art school before they got spirited away to the desert.

When he expressed an interest in doing art, that very night she snuck a stack of paper and pencils out of the tent they used for schooling and let him have at it. He would draw things that piqued his interest, such as a lizard sunning itself on a rock or a scorpion missing its stinger.

This section could use a bit of clean-up to make it more clear.

When he expressed an interest in art, she snuck some pencils and a stack of paper out of the tent they used for schooling and gave it to him. He would draw unique things he saw, like a lizard sunning itself on a rock or a scorpion missing its stinger.

That went on for six months before Mr. Burton, the one in charge of the school tent, finally noticed the missing pencils, which had been repeatedly taken by either Eliza or Zion to replace broken ones, and which had not been replaced by Burton in the mean time. In response to this, he called all of the children to the tent.

You put an extra space in "meantime."

In addition, this runs a little long. I would cut the sentence up and use em dashes (—) to separate explanations in the middle of sentences. Em dashes are my favorite piece of punctuation for a reason, and I feel they would help clarify here. As an example:

That went on for six months until Mr. Burton—the one in charge of the school tent—noticed the missing pencils. The siblings had repeatedly stolen stand-ins for worn-out ones and not replaced them. In response, he called all children to the tent.

Burton demanded that whoever the thief was had to step forward or all of the children would be belted, as was the traditional ultimatum offered when the children misbehaved.

This sentence is a little cluttered. You could rearrange it a little (as well as make use of an em dash) to make things more clear.

Mr. Burton demanded that the thief step forward, or all the children would get belted—the traditional ultimatum offered when the children misbehaved.

Zion, fearful of being punished but not wanting the others to be punished for something they didn’t do, confessed before Eliza could stop him, as he didn’t want her to be punished either, and also felt that he was at fault anyway for wanting the supplies in the first place.

This sentence is a run-on. Chop up and cut down.

Zion, while afraid of the punishment, did not want the others to get punished for something they had not done. He confessed before Eliza could stop him, not wanting her to get punished either and feeling responsible for his wanting the supplies in the first place.

Burton, instead of belting the son of his boss, sternly warned him against doing it again before launching into that days lesson, which was about thieving and the consequences thereof.

It should be "that day's lesson," not "that days lesson." In addition, the sentence is a little muddy and could be fixed up and split up.

Instead of punishing Zion, Mr. Burton warned him against doing it again. Then, he launched into that day's lesson, one about thieving and the consequences thereof.

The older kids, who by this time had begun to deteriorate mentally and physically from a combination of the hostile environment, abuse from the adults, and the lack of supplies, would begin to truly listen and believe what Burton was saying to them.

Would Zion and his sister not also be deteriorating from the conditions of the camp? It seems pretty squalid, given the lack of food, water, and protection from the heat at this point—not to mention the rampant abuse and the likelihood that hygiene is terrible, making infections and disease an issue. What is keeping the siblings from being in the same position as them?

This would the lead to the older kids purposefully ostracizing Zion due to his apparent inferiority.

This sentence has an error. "This would the lead" is a typo. In addition, the phrase "purposefully ostracize" is a little redundant.

That led the other kids to ostracize Zion due to his apparent inferiority.

Zion himself was utterly distraught by this regardless of how his sister tried to comfort him.

"Zion himself" is a little redundant. In addition, there should be a comma between "this" and "regardless."

Zion was utterly distraught by this, regardless of how his sister tried to comfort him.

Her words were the only thing keeping him from backsliding into pure self hatred, something which Simone didn’t help by launching into a screaming fit after being informed of the theft by Mr.Burton, which ended with her giving him his second ever bicep tear.He was 5 years old.

This section has a few problems. For one, it's too long and covers too many topics. Second, it doesn't seem like Zion had any particular issues with self-hatred before, so he wouldn't be "backsliding," but rather, "falling" into it. Third, "self-hatred" and "second-ever" should have hyphens. Fourth, there's a missing space. Fifth, as I said before, spell the numbers out as words in the background ("five" not "5").

Her words were the only thing that kept him from falling into self-hatred. Simone only made it worse, as she became aggressive and violent at the news, which ended in her giving Zion his second-ever bicep tear. He was five years old.

For the next two years of his life, Zion was ignored by the other kids, who were preoccupied with their own health issues and developing mental illnesses, which had been allowed to fester even after the commune finally started sending people out to gather supplies from nearby towns to mitigate the declining condition of the commune.

This sentence covers a few too many topics and runs too long.

For the next two years, the other children ignored Zion, preoccupied with health issues, mental and physical, which festered in the commune's situation. These issues continued even after the commune began to send people out to gather supplies to mitigate its decline.

While this helped to stave off the starvation and dehydration people were suffering, medical supplies were not being anymore replenished due to Simone declaring that any injury could be healed naturally, and without outside help.

This sentence is a little muddy and could be made better by being broken up. In addition, I'm not sure where the "natural healing" element came from. Could you explain why Simone decided to declare this? Was it a belief that she developed or held in earnest? Was it just another means of control?

This caused many of the older members to die off rather quickly, after which their bodies were dragged out of the communes limits and abandoned to the wildlife. One of them was Mr. Burton, who was replaced with the even more overzealous Thomas Haig, who had developed a reputation among the children as a screaming lunatic who would inflict corporal punishment at the slightest provocation. This reputation was lived up to quite frequently, but Zion and Eliza were left alone due to their shared status as Simone and Malcom’s children.

This section is a huge issue.

I get that the commune is isolated, but people know it exists—Malcom and Simone made a big show of moving there, as you mentioned. While I can imagine some of their existing issues being kept more-or-less under wraps for a time, a rapid die-off by the cult's older members would probably get noticed if, as you said, it consisted of "many of the older members." As you established earlier, high-society folks form the main base of this cult—people who are famous and well-known by the public. People would notice mass graves and a dwindling population, especially if there's no attempt to hide them (being "abandoned to the wildlife" heavily implies they're just getting left out in the middle of the desert). Also, how are they hiding these deaths from the rest of the cult? It doesn't add up.

Most of the older children stopped being actively hostile to Zion, in large part because, with a more stable foundation of food and water, they were now able to think more clearly on the matter, but also partly because Simone was becoming to busy caring for an increasingly unhealthy Malcom to pay her children any mind.

I'm a little confused here. I don't see why the condition of the children would improve at all when things are getting so bad that members of the commune are dropping dead. If anything, the commune should be on its last legs by this point—given how extreme the conditions have gotten. Simone may be charismatic, but folks are dying. That's hard to overlook.

None of them apologized, however, which, in combination with the favouritism shown to him and his sister, forced Zion’s young mind into a state of mental splitting, which allowed him to rationalize the psychotic behaviour of the adults as being justified, and as himself and his sister as all good due to them next suffering nearly as much as the other kids.

Okay, I get some of what you want to establish here. Namely, the dichotomy between the treatment received from other kids and the adults caused psychological instability in Zion. That included splitting (black-and-white thinking and an inability to make sense of the dichotomy of positive and negative things if my understanding is correct).

But I'm confused as to why it's his shunning by the other children—and not the rampant abuses perpetrated by every single adult in his life—that causes the most profound effects on Zion or why he believes the adults are justified. After all, even if he was sometimes shown favoritism by the camp's "teachers," he was still relentlessly abused and neglected.

In addition, I don't parse the entire second half of the sentence ("and as himself and his sister as all good due to them next suffering nearly as much as the other kids"). It's hard to read, and I think you should reword it for clarity because I'm not getting the message there.

Last of all—and something that will come up later—is the repeated mentions of mental splitting. I'm not familiar with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) myself (not being someone with it myself or a mental health professional). However, I consulted someone with a background in psychology, and, from what they said, mental splitting is not a typical symptom of C-PTSD. It is more commonly associated with a different disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I'll circle back later, but I figured I would start here.

In response to this new frame of mind, Zion would begin to purposefully ignore the other kids, which confused and alienated them in equal measure. However, when Simone herself would abuse the other children, Zion would come to the conclusion that it was unjustified, as Zion and Eliza would also be abused by Simone, which he saw as completely bad. This made him even less social, even becoming unresponsive to Eliza for extended periods of time.

I'm not following the cause and effect here.

Zion purposefully ignores the other kids as revenge for mistreating him. Why did this confuse them? They'd been doing the same to him for many years. In addition, the note that he views Simone as "unjustified" is odd because, as you mentioned earlier, he rationalized the actions of the adults as "justified." It's a contradiction to what you just established. Also, how does this make him unresponsive to Eliza? She's the only person he has in his life that he trusts and respects at this point, and she's got nothing to do with this situation. What causes that change?

This abuse worsened as the cults leadership, Simone especially, would backslide into extreme paranoia of the world outside of their bubble, caused by the documentary crew for Alien Minds had tracked down the location of the commune through their outside contacts. Their attempts to receive an interview resulted in Simone declaring all outsiders as being the enemy and ordering their liaisons to the outside world to purchase whatever weapons they could to ‘defend themselves.’

These guys aren't exactly subtle. I'm more confused as to how the cult managed to stay secret for this long, given the following:

1.) Malcom and Simone's move to the desert and foundation of a cult being well-known already (as evidenced by them making a "show" of it).

2.) The commune is buying all its food and water from nearby communities (who almost surely know its existence by now).

3.) People actively dying en masse and just being left in the desert to rot. The wide-open desert isn't exactly the best place to hide a body.

In addition, this doesn't feel like "backsliding." This feels like more of the same. Simone has consistently been paranoid towards everyone and everything that doesn't agree with her. Second, why is the Alien Minds crew interested in them, of all people? They're just a bunch of crazy celebrities in the desert. Outside of Malcom's insane ramblings, they have no real connection to any aliens, even if one believes they exist.

Zion, concerned by this but still not quite getting the true severity of the situation, questioned Eliza about it. She told him that she would make sure he got out of the situation before things escalated and nothing else, which did little to answer his actual question but he took her declaration as a good sign.
He believed this until he woke up one morning to a house of three instead of a house of four. It was his 7th birthday. Simone was outraged about this disappearance, using it as justification for the extreme isolation of the group and deciding that armed patrols would ensure that no other people went missing. Zion himself was left at the mercy of Simone, who repeatedly interrogated him as to the whereabouts of his sister. When he gave insufficient answers, Simone would hit him, not believing that he didn’t see or know anything.

First, there's a line break missing here.

Second, why is Zion even aware of this? He's not even seven yet by the time of the declaration. At this point, he is a small child. If anything, I would expect him to notice the vibes and emotions of the group (especially of the older children and Eliza) rather than having an actual understanding. It makes much more sense if he starts to notice all the tension and unease and the older kids shifting uncomfortably, et cetera, rather than knowing about the declaration (even if he doesn't understand what that means).

Third, I'm astounded that Eliza is the first missing person they've had thus far. People are dying left and right. Everyone is starving, dehydrated, and dirty, and some are probably dealing with infections and diseases. And yet nobody has gone unaccounted for yet? Nobody has ever tried to leave? Nobody has just wandered into the desert in a haze?

The physical abuse led Zion into a mental fork in the road, since he understood that Simone was a bad person, so Eliza running away was justified because of that. However, his feelings of abandonment also made him believe that Eliza herself was a bad person, as he was now being left to the devices of an even worse person while Eliza was gone, which he could not justify. This dilemma forced Zion into a state of doublethink, where he accepted that Eliza was both justified and unjustified in running away at the same time.

This phenomenon is called "cognitive dissonance" in psychology; second, was there any reason that Eliza chose to leave Zion behind? We only see Zion's side of the story at this point, and I think seeing Eliza's rationale would give me a better understanding of the circumstances around it.

In the meantime, the older kids were now being forced into abusive training regimes, ostensibly for the purpose of ‘war’ as declared by Simone. These regimes did nothing to help, and, in fact, led to three of the older children dying from heat exhaustion, infection from an untreated injury, thirst, or some combination thereof.

Okay, so:

1.) There's a part of me that, frankly, is astounded that this is the first time any of the kids have died. This cult is so drastic and extreme—and their dearth of supplies so huge—that it's surprising to me. Being surprised at a lack of deaths is not good at all in terms of a profile critique.

2.) We're already way, way, way beyond the point at which any reasonable authority would intervene. In reality, the government would've gotten involved a long time ago. As ineffective as our government frequently is, they would have ended this madness long before it reached this point. It took fewer deaths for the government to look into the People's Temple and Jonestown. The Waco siege started with an investigation into illegal firearm purchases. They're way beyond the point of no return.

This chapter of his life ended ten months later when the ATF started cracking down on the group due to confirmed allegations of child abuse and due to the deplorable conditions of the camp. The raid ended peacefully given the circumstances, with the cult giving up their guns and their children without much of a fight due in large part to the remaining members of the cult being to exhausted physically and mentally by the lack of resources and collective heat stroke to fight back. No casualties were had on either side during the raid, and all of the adults were taken into police custody.

In the last critique, I had two main points in this regard:

1.) That the timeframe between Eliza's defection from the group and the subsequent crackdown was too slim.

2.) That the ATF would've been the agency involved in the crackdown.

Unfortunately, both of those have been rendered moot by the changes.

I thought the one-month timeframe was too short because, in theory, a federal investigation would have taken much longer (since the crackdown came one month after Eliza's defection). But, the changes to the cult introduced in this round of edits are so drastic—and their actions so extreme and so heinous—that, in this version, they should've been investigated a long, long, long time ago—the moment folks started to die.

In addition, if the primary investigation originated from the possibility of child abuse (or just the regular old deaths), then no, it wouldn't be the ATF. Last time, my reasoning for them being the agency involved was this:

First, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) would not be the agency involved in a case of a cult stockpiling weapons; the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE/ATF) would be the agency to issue the initial search and arrest warrants (as was the case in the raid on the Mount Carmel Center in Waco, Texas). That only applies if that's the primary cause of the investigation. Here, it's not even a factor. I'm no expert on this subject, but given how extreme this is, I imagine this version of events is an FBI matter.

Zion was safe now, and he was about to learn who blew the whistle on this whole operation.

This sentence is a little informal. I'd leave it at just:

Zion was safe now.

He was brought into a room to meet with Eliza Douglas, who explained to him that she had to leave him there to go into witness protection and that she as going take custody of him since, by this time, she was 19, but Zion was already tuned out. It didn’t matter the reason for it. She’d abandoned him and he rationalized that as her being a bad person, as the notion of himself being a bad person was not something he could manage.

You already mentioned that her abandoning him was both "justified" and "unjustified" in his mind. In addition, I'm not sure why the choice gets framed as between "her as a bad person" and "him as a bad person."

In addition, you haven't specified the specific witness protection program that they're in. Which witness protection did they join—the United States Federal Witness Protection Program (WPP) / Witness Security Program (WITSEC) or the California Witness Relocation and Assistance Program (CalWRAP)? That is crucial information for me (as a critiquer) so I can verify its accuracy and request edits if proven necessary.

Even still, Zion would learn soon after that his father, who had been diagnosed with brain cancer after being removed from the commune, had been declared dead in hospital. Learning this upset Zion greatly, as, in spite of his blatant psychological problems and the neglect resulting from that, Zion still felt a great deal of affection for Malcom.

His suddenly developing brain cancer and dying feels odd. Your previous explanation for what happened to him (institutionalized for his mental health issues) makes more sense due to his prior behavior. That said, if you intend for him to die of cancer, I’d like to hear a further explanation on how that intersects with his story—especially given how rare the incidence of psychotic symptoms due to brain cancer is.

This stood in stark contrast to his fear and hatred of Simone, who was denied contact with anyone in her family or from the cult and who was sentenced to life in prison on five charges of negligent homicide and twenty six charges of child abuse.

Only five charges?

Given how many people died, it feels like this should be more.

These sentences and charges are not correct. I will be very blunt and include excerpts of the California Penal Code in a subsequent post (specifically, some that I feel are relevant to the situation, though this is not exhaustive by any means; I am not a lawyer, just a critiquer).

I don't have an issue with playing fast and loose with the actual dates (in fact, there would be no issues if you didn't mention charges or sentences and merely said something like: "For her multitude of crimes, their mother was imprisoned, and would never see the light of freedom again.").

That said, when you bring specific dates and charges into the equation, I will get more strict because I want to ensure that this sort of thing gets treated accurately; that's a big part of a critique—to ensure accuracy—and to leave things vague is better than leave them incorrect.

If you're interested in being exact, please read the next post. It contains a selection of relevant laws. If you only want to progress, I'd recommend you reduce the level of detail in the profile—abstraction is okay in circumstances like these because we don't strictly need this detail.

While Zion’s part in the trial was not overly long, the media coverage resulted in several less scrupulous members of the press and, once again, the crew of Alien Minds, to try and get a candid interview with the 7 year old son of the cult leaders. These attempts proved successful only for Alien Minds, who would use the interview of an obviously shaken, traumatized and, by the end of it, openly crying Malcom Douglas Jr to draw more eyes to their docuseries, for which neither Zion or Eliza were compensated.

Again, this feels odd—given the fact Zion and his sister entered into witness protection as a result of his testimony, and given all of the things he saw and experienced first-hand, his testimony—despite his young age—would likely be instrumental in showcasing the worst abuses and excesses of the cult. His testimony—and the testimony of the other children and his sister—would be crucial. In addition, the crew of Alien Minds shouldn't have any access to Zion; he and his sister, as previously said, are under Witness Protection and (for their own safety) would likely not be accessible by the public for their comments on the situation.

This left Eliza and an incredibly traumatized Zion to pick up the pieces of their lives. They ended up being moved to San Jose at the behest of witness protection, with Eliza being rechristened as Rush Jett, and Malcom Douglas Jr becoming Zion Jett. This was largely because of the media circus surrounding the trial, and due to the interview broadcasting Zions uncensored face into peoples homes across the nation, which was deemed by witness protection as requiring a name change.

That explanation—a media circus and the interview broadcast of his face—isn't enough to justify their placement in witness protection on its own; the U.S.'s witness protection programs were originally designed for members of the Mafia who turned state's evidence ("pentitos") and were thus considered to be at significant risk of retribution for breaking the "omertà"—a code of silence about criminal activities and a refusal to give evidence to government authorities. In other words, for those witnesses whose testimonies were crucial to dismantling criminal organizations, but who would be placing their lives at risk if they were to cooperate.

For Zion and his sister to end up in witness protection, there would need to be a credible reason to believe that, should they remain in their current identities, their lives would be at risk. Now, given the circumstances—survivors of a deranged cult—I think that's an appropriate response, and the details you gave would work as supporting evidence as to why their lives might be at risk (albeit not the primary cause), but I want the reasons more clearly stated, rather than tip-toed around in this manner.

Zion grew up being increasingly anxious around his fellow kids due to his past experiences, a fact not helped by him needing to take a large number of remedial classes, which led to his self esteem plummeting and him actively avoiding talking to his classmates for fear of being seen as genetically inferior. In addition to this general anxiety, Zion also still retained his tendency toward mental splitting, in which he declared anyone who he felt was against him as ‘inferior’ and anyone who he saw as with him as ‘superior.’

So, I want to start with a positive note before moving on to the negative. His fear of being considered inferior due to childhood conditioning to feel that way is compelling and a reasonable result of his abusive childhood; I think this deep-seated fear of inferiority is a fascinating way for him to view the world. That said, I also have quite a few problems with this paragraph.

First, this isn't mental splitting per se, especially not something he would "retain" as it is a new factor in his equation; this is a superiority complex. Second of all, what causes this? Zion has spent his entire life told that he is inferior. In addition, he gets placed into a school system where, by virtue of his lack of prior education, he will be behind most of his peers of his age. With that in mind, what changes? What causes him to think this way?

This didn’t help him to actually socialize outside of the minimum requirement for a boy in public school. He instead latched onto professional wrestling as his source of companionship after his channel hopping led him to an episode of Monday Night Raw. He watched the show religiously, following closely the antics of Randy Orton specifically, as he liked how he didn’t need friends to be successful.

Details like who his favorite wrestlers are wouldn't be necessary in most circumstances, but I'm actually going to tell you that this is a good detail: his choice of wrestler speaks to a fact about Zion that is interesting and relevant to his profile (namely, that he admires those who don't need friends to be successful, which leads into some of his later involvement in Sigma Male ideology).

That said, I want to ask: did anyone try to reach out to Zion? How did he react? What were his first forays into socialization like after his return to the education system? In addition, does Zion participate in wrestling, or does he only watch it on TV?

He was completely unwilling to participate in art classes as well during this time, another hold over fear from his time under Mr. Burton, and he also displayed a general distrust and even fear of his teachers, which resulted in several incidents of him just walking out of classes, occasionally preceded or followed by some kind of emotional outburst. Zion also suffered from insomnia during this time, and frequently threw tantrums at home that worried her enough that she took him to a number of child psychiatrists. He was ultimately diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Dr. Hall, the psychiatrist assigned to Zion, decided that a combination of medication and cognitive restructuring would be most effective. He prescribes Zoloft and had Zion describe his line of thinking, paying special attention to the points where Zion would mention holding a belief that others were purely ‘superior’ or ‘inferior.’ Eventually, when Zion was 12, Dr. Hall tried to explain to Zion that his past experiences with people did not necessarily translate to everyone else, and that declaring others as purely one thing did not make sense, as people could be many different things at once. Zion tried to argue that he understood this, bringing up his feelings toward his sister and her actions. This led to Zion becoming agitated and deciding that Dr. Hall was, because of his disagreement in Zions beliefs, an ‘inferior’ person. He stopped consenting to the therapy, which resulted in his treatments being cut off despite Rush’s protests.

So, this is where we circle back to Zion's mental health. While I'm impressed by the level of detail given since the last round (him only being mentioned as "traumatized") and think this is a good step, I've got concerns about this portrayal of mental health issues. First, as previously stated, some of Zion's symptoms (namely, his mental splitting) are not typical of C-PTSD (instead being more typical in BPD).

Second, some of the ways the topic gets treated feel somewhat inaccurate to the subject matter; I'm not the type of critiquer to say "scrap it," so instead, I'm going to provide you with some resources to help you get a better grasp on the topic of C-PTSD; in addition to these, however, I would highly appreciate it if—and recommend that—you do some research of your own in addition to this—especially if you're willing to provide it to me afterward so I can double-check it during my next round of edits.

These are the resources I received from the person I consulted with for this critique. In addition, for your research, you should look for articles and other resources that describe symptoms, but do not pass judgment—for example, what symptoms might show, what they might look like, how they might affect someone, et cetera, without proscribing judgment or ill-thought based on their mental health symptoms.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5862650/

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/complex-ptsd/

In addition, Rush is his legal guardian; why was Zion allowed to terminate his therapy treatments? She (his legal guardian) would be allowed to consent to them on his behalf, especially given that Zion is twelve years old. This explanation is, in my view, insufficient. If I were to make a recommendation, it might be possible that his enrollment in therapy (possibly fast-tracked due to his initial court involvement) would be terminated upon continued non-cooperation (necessitating his return to a waiting list to return to treatment in the future); this is something I experienced in my attempts to receive mental health care.

Zion’s relationship with Rush began to deteriorate completely as he grew into his teen years, with his declining mental health and her own inexperience as a legal guardian resulting in Zion becoming increasingly paranoid, though his actual emotional outbursts were tempered, if only slightly. His paranoia and avoidance of people resulted in him refusing to go to an in person high school after he graduated, which forced Rush to enrol him into Sycamore so that he could still complete his education. Zion took to CR rather well all things considered, enjoying that he didn’t have to leave the safety of his room to partake in the outside world, but not participating in any CR exclusive activities.

What about Rush’s inexperience caused their relationship to deteriorate? In addition, what caused this paranoia? You mention it but do not explain the root causes of it. In addition, why did he refuse to attend high school? How did he feel about this deterioration in their relationship? Did Rush try to bridge the gap between them?

Zion, by the time he started at Sycamore, had begun to develop beliefs that the United States government was attempting to control the populace through popular CR games and hangout spots. He believed this in addition to considering it a boon for himself. He took to regular online forums to try and find other people who might believe in what he did, and found himself falling into a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, all leading back to the ousting of Hannibal Garrett as president, which he bought into as being unjust and as evidence of a wider conspiracy.

What caused him to develop these beliefs? They come apropos of nothing. Why would this be a "boon" to him were it to be true? Why did Zion support Garrett? How familiar is he with conservative/Republican politics? How extreme are his views?

His downward spiral was largely ignored by Rush, who, by this point, had become to exhausted to properly manage Zions behaviour. This forced Zion to engage online with people on his conspiracy forums to find support. What he found was a likeminded individual under the username ‘Sigmaniac’ who became fast friends with Zion. This new friend became something of a mentor figure for Zion, and Zion would place a great deal of trust in him even though he refused any attempts to pry into his past. Zion would soon be led into the ‘Manosphere’ by his new friend, and it was here that Zion truly began to shape his personality.

Why was Rush too exhausted to manage Zion? Did she feel any concerns about Zion despite this exhaustion? What caused the concept of the Manosphere to appeal to Zion? These beliefs are some pretty toxic stuff to fall into; I want to know what gets him into these extreme places.

Zion became enamoured with the ideal of the ‘Sigma Male’ and sought to replicate it in his real life. To this end, he got into weightlifting at the behest of ‘Sigmaniac’ and several others. Rush, for her part, was just happy to see him trying to be constructive with his time, still largely ignorant of his online escapades.

I'm a little confused: you mention that Rush "ignores" his spiral and that she is "ignorant" of it. These are contradictory statements. Is she aware or not? If so, has she noticed his descent into conspiratorial thinking and paranoia? Some of his views, furthermore, are extremely misogynistic—especially his ones relating to the Manosphere (which is exceptionally toxic in its views towards women)—does this affect his relationship with and perspective towards Rush?

Ultimately, Zion’s plan for his time after Sycamore lies with his online friends, and he is otherwise unenthused by things outside of this.

What does this mean? It's vague and tells us very little about his plans for the future.

Personality: Zion is, first and foremost, full of himself. He’s gotten into better shape and, in his mind, that means he’s self actualized and no longer the weakling he was in childhood He’ll walk around like he owns any place he’s in and behave like he’s owed the world.

You mention Zion is "in better shape," but that seems limited to some muscle definition here and there. He's still out of shape. Going by his BMI alone, which, while admittedly not an entirely accurate measure of his health, serves adequately for our purposes given your descriptions of his build, Zion is obese (BMI < 30). In addition, what caused Zion to become "full of himself"? You never explain where his ego comes from. I would think that, if anything, Zion would be deeply insecure about himself.

If and when that entitlement is defied, he’ll become incensed and demand respect, but only if he thinks he can beat the target of his ire in a fight. If he doesn’t think he can win, he’ll grumble to himself and not kick up a fuss. Up to this point, he hasn’t actually gotten into an actual fight despite how convinced he is he would win, and is secretly grateful for that fact.

Has Zion ever had a close call regarding a potential fight? If so, that will need further elaboration. In addition, I think there are more concise ways to explain this: for example, to say that he only outright picks on those he sees as weaker than himself. In addition, does Zion have any actual fighting experience beyond watching professional wrestling?

Zion also has a propensity for holding contradictory viewpoints, as well as separating people into categories of ‘superior’ and ‘inferior’ for reasons that rarely actually line up with what those terms mean. In conversations, this manifests in him espousing statements that, at worst, may directly conflict with previous ones in a manner that doesn’t allow them to gel together.

I’d like you to explain these issues more here (including his mental state regarding these two things and his perspective). As part of that, I’d like you to separate them into more than two sentences.

If someone points this out to him, his response will vary between acknowledging this and remaining amicable or terminating the conversation outright. This is also dependent on where the person he is talking to fits in his previously state categories.

How does he acknowledge the contradictions in his viewpoints? How does the pointing of them out make him feel? How does he go about "terminating a conversation"? Does he realize that his own viewpoints are contradictory?

Zion holds a number of misogynistic and racist beliefs that he’s rather open about even when he shouldn’t be, and will smugly pronounce anyone who disagrees with him a ‘beta cuck’ or some other such term.

Where did he develop these misogynistic and racist beliefs? Is he also homophobic and transphobic? In addition, being open about such beliefs would likely get him in serious trouble at school (which would risk alerting his sister to these views).

He’s throughly convinced that he’s right about most things and will be incredibly resistant to changing his mindset.

What gave him such a steadfast mindset on things?

As another consequence of this, he also holds some bizarre beliefs in how the world operates, specifically, he believes that the American government is actively watching him, though how severely this affects him ultimately depends on his overall mood at any given moment.

Depending on which witness protection program Zion participates in, the federal government may be actually watching him (and, if they aren’t, the state government would be). That wouldn’t really be a conspiracy theory, just a fact about his life.

Outside of his utterly repellent personality, Zion is also desperate for companionship, uncomprehending of the fact that it’s him who’s the problem in most of his interactions, but still very dearly wanting a friend whose name he actually knows.

I think this is a good point, and I’d like to see you elaborate further on it in the profile itself; you have some compelling ideas that serve to humanize Zion in a good way but a tendency to understate them in comparison to less grounded factors. These are the things I want to see more of in the next edit pass: more elements that make Zion feel like a person.

This allows him to, sometimes, be nice or even charming to people, but he’ll just as frequently fuck it up by offering unsolicited advice that is often grossly offensive due to his rather extreme opinions, which puts him right back at square one in terms of attitude.

"Fuck it up" is too informal; generally, profiles should not contain swear words. In addition, is this because of malice or simple ignorance of ordinary social conventions due to Zion's background? You do a lot of telling about where Zion is in his life, but you don't show how he got there. That's another thing I want to see change in the next pass because justification is crucial for character traits.

Due to this, he’ll often perform a ‘preemptive strike’ which translates to bullying people whom he thinks will hate him anyway.

If Zion is a bully, this would likely result in some conflict with school staff (and possibly disciplinary action on their part towards him). Also, what makes him think this sort of “preemptive strike” is a good idea? I want more elaboration on his thought process.

He sees no connection between this and his social isolation, and it only feeds into his antisocial behaviour when the obvious does occur.

It seems like a pretty clear cause-and-effect. Is there a reason Zion fails to realize the consequences of these actions?

While he pretends like this is no big deal to him, it wounds him quite deeply when people reject him, and this results in him getting uncomfortably clingy with the few people he can get to tolerate him.

This part is another thing I like! I want to see this elaborated on and given examples in his biography. It makes sense that someone like Zion—starved for love in basically every aspect of his life, with a past of abuse and abandonment—would be desperate and want true companionship. I believe you should focus more on these sorts of ideas because they humanize Zion! I think you focus a lot on the traumatic and horrific elements of Zion and his life while not giving focus to the compelling, outstandingly human parts in the story, such as the willingness of older children to protect the younger ones and the real tragedy of the situation: that Zion, a young man with mental health issues and severe trauma, has slipped through the cracks of the system into some truly awful and dark places. The world failed him.

Ultimately, it's up to you where you want to take Zion. However, I'd love to see a more human take on him for the next round of edits because it is there—in the showcasing of the good in him buried under all the flaws—that your writing and characterization of him shine the most brightly.

Outside of Cyber Reality Zion is not nearly as openly antagonistic toward people, and can behave pleasantly to people regardless of gender, though he remains standoffish. If the conversation turns to politics, CR, or his prior negativity in CR, Zion will become openly hostile.

Is there any reason why he isn’t as extreme outside of CR? Is this simply due to his not being as open about it, or are his intolerant views not as genuine as they might appear at first glance? Why do those topics cause him to become openly hostile when they come up?

Reputation: Zion is extremely unpopular with his classmates due to his shit behaviour and open misogyny, though this hasn’t stopped him from finding a few people who can at least tolerate his attitude in limited doses.

"Shit behavior" is a little too informal. In addition, given the diverse population of Sycamore High School, his other bigoted attitudes (especially racism) would likely cause him to be unpopular.

People who know him outside of CR or the internet will find him more tolerable, though may still express confusion and/or disturbance at the contrast between his real life and CR demeanour.

How amenable is Zion to meeting his peers outside of CR? In addition, "confusion and/or" should be "confusion or disturbance." Slashes aren’t really suitable for the profile style.

The school staff are even less fond of his behaviour, as they feel it worsens the learning environment overall. They’ve repeatedly had to give him warnings for his behaviour, and have contacted Rush just as frequently, which has resulted in there being talks of having him transferred out of Sycamore due to the number of complaints the school administration has received about him. However, due to his age, it has been determined that they will just monitor him more closely until he graduates.

This statement brings up some contradictions in his biography.

First, if Rush was alerted to his extreme views, why didn’t she prod further? Especially considering some of his beliefs—namely, misogyny— would likely concern her. In addition, when did these talks start? If they occurred too early, I could see Zion getting transferred, were his behavior severe enough to justify it—it would have to occur during his senior year for him to get a pass on it due to his imminent graduation.

Second, the school would probably be aware of his mental health issues (as they would be on his health records, I believe). As a result, I imagine there might be some accommodations possible for Zion that would make school less difficult for him, for example, being able to see a guidance counselor regularly to discuss things or being allowed substitutions for particular classes (for example, art) were such things possible to trigger his PTSD.

Alright. That should be everything for now. I know this will look like a lot, but you've shown great willingness to improve with each subsequent rendition of Zion's profile, and that's commendable! I'm confident in you; I want to make this work, and I'm willing to stand by you every step of the way—all the way until Zion's ready to be approved! You have some really great ideas, and your writing has a fantastic—beautifully human—core to it, but the problem is implementation and a lack of focus on those elements. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to come to me!

[Dogs231]

[+] CALIFORNIA PENAL CODE

[ … ] - [removed due to irrelevance]

[+] PART 1. OF CRIMES AND PUNISHMENTS 25 - 680.4

[+] TITLE 7. OF CRIMES AGAINST PUBLIC JUSTICE 92 - 186.36

[+] CHAPTER 7. Other Offenses Against Public Justice 142 - 181

[+] 152.

152. (a) Every person who, having knowledge of an accidental death, actively conceals or attempts to conceal that death, shall be guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, or by a fine of not less than one thousand dollars ($1,000) nor more than ten thousand dollars ($10,000), or by both that fine and imprisonment.
(b) For purposes of this section, “to actively conceal an accidental death” means any of the following:
(1) To perform an overt act that conceals the body or directly impedes the ability of authorities or family members to discover the body.
(2) To directly destroy or suppress evidence of the actual physical body of the deceased, including, but not limited to, bodily fluids or tissues.
(3) To destroy or suppress the actual physical instrumentality of death.

[+] 153.

153. Every person who, having knowledge of the actual commission of a crime, takes money or property of another, or any gratuity or reward, or any engagement, or promise thereof, upon any agreement or understanding to compound or conceal that crime, or to abstain from any prosecution thereof, or to withhold any evidence thereof, except in the cases provided for by law, in which crimes may be compromised by leave of court, is punishable as follows:
1. By imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170, where the crime was punishable by death or imprisonment in the state prison for life;
2. By imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding six months, or pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170, where the crime was punishable by imprisonment in the state prison for any other term than for life;
3. By imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding six months, or by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), where the crime was a misdemeanor.

[+] 166.

166. (a) Except as provided in subdivisions (b), (c), and (d), a person guilty of any of the following contempts of court is guilty of a misdemeanor:
(1) Disorderly, contemptuous, or insolent behavior committed during the sitting of a court of justice, in the immediate view and presence of the court, and directly tending to interrupt its proceedings or to impair the respect due to its authority.
(2) Behavior specified in paragraph (1) that is committed in the presence of a referee, while actually engaged in a trial or hearing, pursuant to the order of a court, or in the presence of a jury while actually sitting for the trial of a cause, or upon an inquest or other proceeding authorized by law.
(3) A breach of the peace, noise, or other disturbance directly tending to interrupt the proceedings of the court.
(4) Willful disobedience of the terms, as written, of a process or court order or out-of-state court order, lawfully issued by a court, including orders pending trial.
(5) Resistance willfully offered by a person to the lawful order or process of a court.
(6) The contumacious and unlawful refusal of a person to be sworn as a witness or, when so sworn, the like refusal to answer a material question.
(7) The publication of a false or grossly inaccurate report of the proceedings of a court.
(8) Presenting to a court having power to pass sentence upon a prisoner under conviction, or to a member of the court, an affidavit, testimony, or representation of any kind, verbal or written, in aggravation or mitigation of the punishment to be imposed upon the prisoner, except as provided in this code.
(9) Willful disobedience of the terms of an injunction that restrains the activities of a criminal street gang or any of its members, lawfully issued by a court, including an order pending trial.
(b) (1) A person who is guilty of contempt of court under paragraph (4) of subdivision (a) by willfully contacting a victim by telephone or mail, social media, electronic communication, or electronic communication device, or directly, and who has been previously convicted of a violation of Section 646.9 shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, by a fine of no more than five thousand dollars ($5,000), or by both that fine and imprisonment.
(2) For the purposes of sentencing under this subdivision, each contact shall constitute a separate violation of this subdivision.
(3) The present incarceration of a person who makes contact with a victim in violation of paragraph (1) is not a defense to a violation of this subdivision.
(4) For purposes of this subdivision, the following definitions shall apply:
(A) “Social media” has the same definition as in Section 632.01.
(B) “Electronic communication” has the same definition as in Section 646.9.
(C) “Electronic communication device” has the same definition as in Section 646.9.
(c) (1) Notwithstanding paragraph (4) of subdivision (a), a willful and knowing violation of a protective order or stay-away court order described as follows shall constitute contempt of court, a misdemeanor, punishable by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, by a fine of not more than one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by both that imprisonment and fine:
(A) An order issued pursuant to Section 136.2.
(B) An order issued pursuant to paragraph (2) of subdivision (a) of Section 1203.097.
(C) An order issued after a conviction in a criminal proceeding involving elder or dependent adult abuse, as defined in Section 368.
(D) An order issued pursuant to Section 1201.3.
(E) An order described in paragraph (3).
(F) An order issued pursuant to subdivision (j) of Section 273.5.
(2) If a violation of paragraph (1) results in a physical injury, the person shall be imprisoned in a county jail for at least 48 hours, whether a fine or imprisonment is imposed, or the sentence is suspended.
(3) Paragraphs (1) and (2) apply to the following court orders:
(A) An order issued pursuant to Section 6320 or 6389 of the Family Code.
(B) An order excluding one party from the family dwelling or from the dwelling of the other.
(C) An order enjoining a party from specified behavior that the court determined was necessary to effectuate the orders described in paragraph (1).
(4) A second or subsequent conviction for a violation of an order described in paragraph (1) occurring within seven years of a prior conviction for a violation of any of those orders and involving an act of violence or “a credible threat” of violence, as provided in subdivision (c) of Section 139, is punishable by imprisonment in a county jail not to exceed one year, or in the state prison for 16 months or two or three years.
(5) The prosecuting agency of each county shall have the primary responsibility for the enforcement of the orders described in paragraph (1).
(d) (1) A person who owns, possesses, purchases, or receives a firearm knowing that person is prohibited from doing so by the provisions of a protective order as defined in Section 136.2 of this code, Section 6218 of the Family Code, or Section 527.6 or 527.8 of the Code of Civil Procedure, shall be punished under Section 29825.
(2) A person subject to a protective order described in paragraph (1) shall not be prosecuted under this section for owning, possessing, purchasing, or receiving a firearm to the extent that firearm is granted an exemption pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 6389 of the Family Code.
(e) (1) If probation is granted upon conviction of a violation of subdivision (c), the court shall impose probation consistent with Section 1203.097.
(2) If probation is granted upon conviction of a violation of subdivision (c), the conditions of probation may include, in lieu of a fine, one or both of the following requirements:
(A) That the defendant make payments to a domestic violence shelter-based program up to a maximum of one thousand dollars ($1,000).
(B) That the defendant provide restitution to reimburse the victim for reasonable costs of counseling and other reasonable expenses that the court finds are the direct result of the defendant’s offense.
(3) For an order to pay a fine, make payments to a domestic violence shelter-based program, or pay restitution as a condition of probation under this subdivision or subdivision (c), the court shall make a determination of the defendant’s ability to pay. An order to make payments to a domestic violence shelter-based program, shall not be made if it would impair the ability of the defendant to pay direct restitution to the victim or court-ordered child support.
(4) If the injury to a married person is caused, in whole or in part, by the criminal acts of the person’s spouse in violation of subdivision (c), the community property shall not be used to discharge the liability of the offending spouse for restitution to the injured spouse required by Section 1203.04, as operative on or before August 2, 1995, or Section 1202.4, or to a shelter for costs with regard to the injured spouse and dependents required by this subdivision, until all separate property of the offending spouse is exhausted.
(5) A person violating an order described in subdivision (c) may be punished for any substantive offenses described under Section 136.1 or 646.9. A finding of contempt shall not be a bar to prosecution for a violation of Section 136.1 or 646.9. However, a person held in contempt for a violation of subdivision (c) shall be entitled to credit for any punishment imposed as a result of that violation against a sentence imposed upon conviction of an offense described in Section 136.1 or 646.9. A conviction or acquittal for a substantive offense under Section 136.1 or 646.9 shall be a bar to a subsequent punishment for contempt arising out of the same act.

[+] TITLE 8. OF CRIMES AGAINST THE PERSON 187 - 248

[+] CHAPTER 1. Homicide 187 - 199

[+] 192.

192. Manslaughter is the unlawful killing of a human being without malice. It is of three kinds:
(a) [..]
(b) Involuntary—in the commission of an unlawful act, not amounting to a felony; or in the commission of a lawful act which might produce death, in an unlawful manner, or without due caution and circumspection. This subdivision shall not apply to acts committed in the driving of a vehicle.

[+] 193.

193. (a) [..]
(b) Involuntary manslaughter is punishable by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170 for two, three, or four years.

[+] CHAPTER 3. Kidnapping 207 - 210

[+] 207.

207. (a) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of instilling fear, steals or takes, or holds, detains, or arrests any person in this state, and carries the person into another country, state, or county, or into another part of the same county, is guilty of kidnapping.
(b) Every person, who for the purpose of committing any act defined in Section 288, hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces by false promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any child under the age of 14 years to go out of this country, state, or county, or into another part of the same county, is guilty of kidnapping.
(c) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of instilling fear, takes or holds, detains, or arrests any person, with a design to take the person out of this state, without having established a claim, according to the laws of the United States, or of this state, or who hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces by false promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any person to go out of this state, or to be taken or removed therefrom, for the purpose and with the intent to sell that person into slavery or involuntary servitude, or otherwise to employ that person for his or her own use, or to the use of another, without the free will and consent of that persuaded person, is guilty of kidnapping.
(d) Every person who, being out of this state, abducts or takes by force or fraud any person contrary to the law of the place where that act is committed, and brings, sends, or conveys that person within the limits of this state, and is afterwards found within the limits thereof, is guilty of kidnapping.
(e) For purposes of those types of kidnapping requiring force, the amount of force required to kidnap an unresisting infant or child is the amount of physical force required to take and carry the child away a substantial distance for an illegal purpose or with an illegal intent.
(f) Subdivisions (a) to (d), inclusive, do not apply to any of the following:
(1) To any person who steals, takes, entices away, detains, conceals, or harbors any child under the age of 14 years, if that act is taken to protect the child from danger of imminent harm.
(2) To any person acting under Section 834 or 837.

[+] 208.

208. (a) Kidnapping is punishable by imprisonment in the state prison for three, five, or eight years.
(b) If the person kidnapped is under 14 years of age at the time of the commission of the crime, the kidnapping is punishable by imprisonment in the state prison for 5, 8, or 11 years. This subdivision is not applicable to the taking, detaining, or concealing, of a minor child by a biological parent, a natural father, as specified in Section 7611 of the Family Code, an adoptive parent, or a person who has been granted access to the minor child by a court order.
(c) In all cases in which probation is granted, the court shall, except in unusual cases where the interests of justice would best be served by a lesser penalty, require as a condition of the probation that the person be confined in the county jail for 12 months. If the court grants probation without requiring the defendant to be confined in the county jail for 12 months, it shall specify its reason or reasons for imposing a lesser penalty.

[+] CHAPTER 8. False Imprisonment and Human Trafficking 236 - 237

[+] 236.

236. False imprisonment is the unlawful violation of the personal liberty of another.

[+] 237.

237. (a) False imprisonment is punishable by a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by imprisonment in the county jail for not more than one year, or by both that fine and imprisonment. If the false imprisonment be effected by violence, menace, fraud, or deceit, it shall be punishable by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170.
(b) False imprisonment of an elder or dependent adult by use of violence, menace, fraud, or deceit shall be punishable as described in subdivision (f) of Section 368.

[+] CHAPTER 9. Assault and Battery 240 - 248

[+] 240.

240. An assault is an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability, to commit a violent injury on the person of another.

[+] 241.

241. (a) An assault is punishable by a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six months, or by both the fine and imprisonment.

[+] 241.4.

241.4. An assault is punishable by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six months, or by both. [...]

[+] 242.

242. A battery is any willful and unlawful use of force or violence upon the person of another.

[+] 243.

243. (a) A battery is punishable by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding six months, or by both that fine and imprisonment.

[+] TITLE 9. OF CRIMES AGAINST THE PERSON INVOLVING SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND CRIMES AGAINST PUBLIC DECENCY AND GOOD MORALS 261 - 368.7

[+] CHAPTER 2. Abandonment and Neglect of Children 270 - 273.75

[+] 270.

270. If a parent of a minor child willfully omits, without lawful excuse, to furnish necessary clothing, food, shelter or medical attendance, or other remedial care for his or her child, he or she is guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding one year, or by both such fine and imprisonment. If a court of competent jurisdiction has made a final adjudication in either a civil or a criminal action that a person is the parent of a minor child and the person has notice of such adjudication and he or she then willfully omits, without lawful excuse, to furnish necessary clothing, food, shelter, medical attendance or other remedial care for his or her child, this conduct is punishable by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding one year or in a state prison for a determinate term of one year and one day, or by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by both such fine and imprisonment. This statute shall not be construed so as to relieve such parent from the criminal liability defined herein for such omission merely because the other parent of such child is legally entitled to the custody of such child nor because the other parent of such child or any other person or organization voluntarily or involuntarily furnishes such necessary food, clothing, shelter or medical attendance or other remedial care for such child or undertakes to do so.
Proof of abandonment or desertion of a child by such parent, or the omission by such parent to furnish necessary food, clothing, shelter or medical attendance or other remedial care for his or her child is prima facie evidence that such abandonment or desertion or omission to furnish necessary food, clothing, shelter or medical attendance or other remedial care is willful and without lawful excuse.
The court, in determining the ability of the parent to support his or her child, shall consider all income, including social insurance benefits and gifts.
The provisions of this section are applicable whether the parents of such child are or were ever married or divorced, and regardless of any decree made in any divorce action relative to alimony or to the support of the child. A child conceived but not yet born is to be deemed an existing person insofar as this section is concerned.
The husband of a woman who bears a child as a result of artificial insemination shall be considered the father of that child for the purpose of this section, if he consented in writing to the artificial insemination.
If a parent provides a minor with treatment by spiritual means through prayer alone in accordance with the tenets and practices of a recognized church or religious denomination, by a duly accredited practitioner thereof, such treatment shall constitute “other remedial care”, as used in this section.

[+] 270.1.

270.1.
270.1. (a) A parent or guardian of a pupil of six years of age or more who is in kindergarten or any of grades 1 to 8, inclusive, and who is subject to compulsory full-time education or compulsory continuation education, whose child is a chronic truant as defined in Section 48263.6 of the Education Code, who has failed to reasonably supervise and encourage the pupil’s school attendance, and who has been offered language accessible support services to address the pupil’s truancy, is guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars ($2,000), or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or by both that fine and imprisonment. A parent or guardian guilty of a misdemeanor under this subdivision may participate in the deferred entry of judgment program defined in subdivision (b).
(b) A superior court may establish a deferred entry of judgment program that includes the components listed in paragraphs (1) to (7), inclusive, to adjudicate cases involving parents or guardians of elementary school pupils who are chronic truants as defined in Section 48263.6 of the Education Code:
(1) A dedicated court calendar.
(2) Leadership by a judge of the superior court in that county.
(3) Meetings, scheduled and held periodically, with school district representatives designated by the chronic truant’s school district of enrollment. Those representatives may include school psychologists, school counselors, teachers, school administrators, or other educational service providers deemed appropriate by the school district.
(4) Service referrals for parents or guardians, as appropriate to each case that may include, but are not limited to, all of the following:
(A) Case management.
(B) Mental and physical health services.
(C) Parenting classes and support.
(D) Substance abuse treatment.
(E) Child care and housing.
(5) A clear statement that, in lieu of trial, the court may grant deferred entry of judgment with respect to the current crime or crimes charged if the defendant pleads guilty to each charge and waives time for the pronouncement of judgment and that, upon the defendant’s compliance with the terms and conditions set forth by the court and agreed to by the defendant upon the entry of his or her plea, and upon the motion of the prosecuting attorney, the court will dismiss the charge or charges against the defendant and the same procedures specified for successful completion of a drug diversion program or a deferred entry of judgment program pursuant to Section 851.90 and the provisions of Section 1203.4 shall apply.
(6) A clear statement that failure to comply with any condition under the program may result in the prosecuting attorney or the court making a motion for entry of judgment, whereupon the court will render a finding of guilty to the charge or charges pled, enter judgment, and schedule a sentencing hearing as otherwise provided in this code.
(7) An explanation of criminal record retention and disposition resulting from participation in the deferred entry of judgment program and the defendant’s rights relative to answering questions about his or her arrest and deferred entry of judgment following successful completion of the program.
(c) Funding for the deferred entry of judgment program pursuant to this section shall be derived solely from nonstate sources.
(d) A parent or guardian of an elementary school pupil who is a chronic truant, as defined in Section 48263.6 of the Education Code, may not be punished for a violation of both this section and the provisions of Section 272 that involve criminal liability for parents and guardians of truant children.
(e) If any district attorney chooses to charge a defendant with a violation of subdivision (a) and the defendant is found by the prosecuting attorney to be eligible or ineligible for deferred entry of judgment, the prosecuting attorney shall file with the court a declaration in writing, or state for the record, the grounds upon which that determination is based.

[+] 271.

271. Every parent of any child under the age of 14 years, and every person to whom any such child has been confided for nurture, or education, who deserts such child in any place whatever with intent to abandon it, is punishable by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170 or in the county jail not exceeding one year or by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000) or by both.

[+] 271a.

271a. Every person who knowingly and willfully abandons, or who, having ability so to do, fails or refuses to maintain his or her minor child under the age of 14 years, or who falsely, knowing the same to be false, represents to any manager, officer or agent of any orphan asylum or charitable institution for the care of orphans, that any child for whose admission into that asylum or institution application has been made is an orphan, is punishable by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170, or in the county jail not exceeding one year, or by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by both.

[+] 273a.

273a. (a) Any person who, under circumstances or conditions likely to produce great bodily harm or death, willfully causes or permits any child to suffer, or inflicts thereon unjustifiable physical pain or mental suffering, or having the care or custody of any child, willfully causes or permits the person or health of that child to be injured, or willfully causes or permits that child to be placed in a situation where his or her person or health is endangered, shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or in the state prison for two, four, or six years.
(b) Any person who, under circumstances or conditions other than those likely to produce great bodily harm or death, willfully causes or permits any child to suffer, or inflicts thereon unjustifiable physical pain or mental suffering, or having the care or custody of any child, willfully causes or permits the person or health of that child to be injured, or willfully causes or permits that child to be placed in a situation where his or her person or health may be endangered, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
(c) If a person is convicted of violating this section and probation is granted, the court shall require the following minimum conditions of probation:


(1) A mandatory minimum period of probation of 48 months.
(2) A criminal court protective order protecting the victim from further acts of violence or threats, and, if appropriate, residence exclusion or stay-away conditions.
(3) (A) Successful completion of no less than one year of a child abuser’s treatment counseling program approved by the probation department. The defendant shall be ordered to begin participation in the program immediately upon the grant of probation. The counseling program shall meet the criteria specified in Section 273.1. The defendant shall produce documentation of program enrollment to the court within 30 days of enrollment, along with quarterly progress reports.
(B) The terms of probation for offenders shall not be lifted until all reasonable fees due to the counseling program have been paid in full, but in no case shall probation be extended beyond the term provided in subdivision (a) of Section 1203.1. If the court finds that the defendant does not have the ability to pay the fees based on the defendant’s changed circumstances, the court may reduce or waive the fees.
(4) If the offense was committed while the defendant was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the defendant shall abstain from the use of drugs or alcohol during the period of probation and shall be subject to random drug testing by his or her probation officer.
(5) The court may waive any of the above minimum conditions of probation upon a finding that the condition would not be in the best interests of justice. The court shall state on the record its reasons for any waiver.

[+] 273ab.

273ab. (a) Any person, having the care or custody of a child who is under eight years of age, who assaults the child by means of force that to a reasonable person would be likely to produce great bodily injury, resulting in the child’s death, shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for 25 years to life. Nothing in this section shall be construed as affecting the applicability of subdivision (a) of Section 187 or Section 189.
(b) Any person, having the care or custody of a child who is under eight years of age, who assaults the child by means of force that to a reasonable person would be likely to produce great bodily injury, resulting in the child becoming comatose due to brain injury or suffering paralysis of a permanent nature, shall be punished by imprisonment in the state prison for life with the possibility of parole. As used in this subdivision, “paralysis” means a major or complete loss of motor function resulting from injury to the nervous system or to a muscular mechanism.

[+] 273b.

273b. No child under the age of 16 years shall be placed in any courtroom, or in any vehicle for transportation to any place, in company with adults charged with or convicted of crime, except in the presence of a proper official.

[+] 273d.

273d. (a) Any person who willfully inflicts upon a child any cruel or inhuman corporal punishment or an injury resulting in a traumatic condition is guilty of a felony and shall be punished by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of Section 1170 for two, four, or six years, or in a county jail for not more than one year, by a fine of up to six thousand dollars ($6,000), or by both that imprisonment and fine.
(b) Any person who is found guilty of violating subdivision (a) shall receive a four-year enhancement for a prior conviction of that offense provided that no additional term shall be imposed under this subdivision for any prison term or term imposed under the provisions of subdivision (h) of Section 1170 served prior to a period of 10 years in which the defendant remained free of both the commission of an offense that results in a felony conviction and prison custody or custody in a county jail under the provisions of subdivision (h) of Section 1170.
(c) If a person is convicted of violating this section and probation is granted, the court shall require the following minimum conditions of probation:
(1) A mandatory minimum period of probation of 36 months.
(2) A criminal court protective order protecting the victim from further acts of violence or threats, and, if appropriate, residence exclusion or stay-away conditions.
(3) (A) Successful completion of no less than one year of a child abuser’s treatment counseling program. The defendant shall be ordered to begin participation in the program immediately upon the grant of probation. The counseling program shall meet the criteria specified in Section 273.1. The defendant shall produce documentation of program enrollment to the court within 30 days of enrollment, along with quarterly progress reports.
(B) The terms of probation for offenders shall not be lifted until all reasonable fees due to the counseling program have been paid in full, but in no case shall probation be extended beyond the term provided in subdivision (a) of Section 1203.1. If the court finds that the defendant does not have the ability to pay the fees based on the defendant’s changed circumstances, the court may reduce or waive the fees.
(4) If the offense was committed while the defendant was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the defendant shall abstain from the use of drugs or alcohol during the period of probation and shall be subject to random drug testing by his or her probation officer.
(5) The court may waive any of the above minimum conditions of probation upon a finding that the condition would not be in the best interests of justice. The court shall state on the record its reasons for any waiver.

[+] 273j.

273j. (a) (1) Any parent or guardian having the care, custody, or control of a child under 14 years of age who knows or should have known that the child has died shall notify a public safety agency, as defined in Section 53102 of the Government Code, within 24 hours of the time that the parent or guardian knew or should have known that the child has died.
(2) This subdivision shall not apply when a child is otherwise under the immediate care of a physician at the time of death, or if a public safety agency, a coroner, or a medical examiner is otherwise aware of the death.
(b) (1) Any parent or guardian having the care, custody, or control of a child under 14 years of age shall notify law enforcement within 24 hours of the time that the parent or guardian knows or should have known that the child is a missing person and there is evidence that the child is a person at risk, as those terms are defined in Section 14215.
(2) This subdivision shall not apply if law enforcement is otherwise aware that the child is a missing person.
(c) A violation of this section is a misdemeanor punishable by imprisonment in a county jail for not more than one year, or by a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by both that fine and imprisonment.
(d) Nothing in this section shall preclude prosecution under any other provision of law.

[+] 273.1.

273.1. (a) Any treatment program to which a child abuser convicted of a violation of Section 273a or 273d is referred as a condition of probation shall meet the following criteria:
(1) Substantial expertise and experience in the treatment of victims of child abuse and the families in which abuse and violence have occurred.
(2) Staff providing direct service are therapists licensed to practice in this state or are under the direct supervision of a therapist licensed to practice in this state.
(3) Utilization of a treatment regimen designed to specifically address the offense, including methods of preventing and breaking the cycle of family violence, anger management, and parenting education that focuses, among other things, on means of identifying the developmental and emotional needs of the child.
(4) Utilization of group and individual therapy and counseling, with groups no larger than 12 persons.
(5) Capability of identifying substance abuse and either treating the abuse or referring the offender to a substance abuse program, to the extent that the court has not already done so.
(6) Entry into a written agreement with the defendant that includes an outline of the components of the program, the attendance requirements, a requirement to attend group session free of chemical influence, and a statement that the defendant may be removed from the program if it is determined that the defendant is not benefiting from the program or is disruptive to the program.
(7) The program may include, on the recommendation of the treatment counselor, family counseling. However, no child victim shall be compelled or required to participate in the program, including family counseling, and no program may condition a defendant’s enrollment on participation by the child victim. The treatment counselor shall privately advise the child victim that his or her participation is voluntary.
(b) If the program finds that the defendant is unsuitable, the program shall immediately contact the probation department or the court. The probation department or court shall either recalendar the case for hearing or refer the defendant to an appropriate alternative child abuser’s treatment counseling program.
(c) Upon request by the child abuser’s treatment counseling program, the court shall provide the defendant’s arrest report, prior incidents of violence, and treatment history to the program.
(d) The child abuser’s treatment counseling program shall provide the probation department and the court with periodic progress reports at least every three months that include attendance, fee payment history, and program compliance. The program shall submit a final evaluation that includes the program’s evaluation of the defendant’s progress, and recommendation for either successful or unsuccessful termination of the program.
(e) The defendant shall pay for the full costs of the treatment program, including any drug testing. However, the court may waive any portion or all of that financial responsibility upon a finding of an inability to pay. Upon the request of the defendant, the court shall hold a hearing to determine the defendant’s ability to pay for the treatment program. At the hearing the court may consider all relevant information, but shall consider the impact of the costs of the treatment program on the defendant’s ability to provide food, clothing, and shelter for the child injured by a violation of Section 273a or 273d. If the court finds that the defendant is unable to pay for any portion of the costs of the treatment program, its reasons for that finding shall be stated on the record. In the event of this finding, the program fees or a portion thereof shall be waived.
(f) All programs accepting referrals of child abusers pursuant to this section shall accept offenders for whom fees have been partially or fully waived. However, the court shall require each qualifying program to serve no more than its proportionate share of those offenders who have been granted fee waivers, and require all qualifying programs to share equally in the cost of serving those offenders with fee waivers.

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