Ohm attempts critique

I have no idea what I'm doing.

This is where you can come to request critiques of your characters or writing. Unlike the board on Main, this board is focused specifically on Mini characters and games. Feel free to start threads either asking for or offering critiques.
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Ohm
Posts: 672
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:25 pm
Location: Whoosh

Ohm attempts critique

#1

Post by Ohm »

Hi! So, for a while I've been pondering whether or not to do one of these, and I finally decided to give it a try. I have done critiques of sorts through read-a-thons, but this will be first attempt at an actual thread and hopefully I don't screw up too bad.

As for how I'm going to do this, I'll be reading the characters sent in from start to finish a number of times. This way I can catch setups, foreshadowing and make my attempt at painting a full picture of their story. I might pm to ask about specific things if people are up for that, or talk about where I am in the character story in chat so if you don't want either of those, then please tell me.

Some ground rules.

1. Character is complete.
2. Character is from a mini.
3. Queue limited to 5.
4. I'm going to take my time with these.

With that said, have at it.

Queue:
1: Maxwell Lombardi (SC2)
2:
3:
4:
5:
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Wham Yubeesling
Posts: 1257
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:15 pm
Location: there is a man standing behind you
Team Affiliation: Stephanie's Buccaneers
Contact:
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#2

Post by Wham Yubeesling »

Maxwell Lombardi, please :).
[+] The Present
Image Image

SC3:
???: Jeremy Frasier — "..." — 0%
PREGAME — Past: ☆ | Present: ☆
THEME: Jim's Big Ego — Stress

B02: Maxwell Lombardi — “Then I'll beat them again. Simple as that.” — 100%/0%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: SPAS-12 Shotgun, Trident, Colt .357 King Cobra, Meat Cleaver
PREGAME — Past: ♔ | Present: ♔ ♔ ♔
SCDos — ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ | ♔
SCTres —
THEME: Eminem — The Way I Am
[+] The Past
ImageImageImage Image Image

BRAU2:
B11: Hiroki Sugimura — "Listen, Kayoko, I lov-” — 10%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Shamisen
BRAU2 — ☯

INTL:
O07: Jaxon Chen (Adopted from Tapey!) — "You- started- this-" — 55%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Poison Ivy Gloves, Smoke Bomb, Crutch
INTL — ☛ ☛ ☛ ☛ ☛ ☛ ☛

PV3:
F01: Michelle White — "Because if you can forgive me, then… then maybe I can try to forgive myself. Amen." — 68%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Ghille Suit, Combat Knife w/ Sniper Scope, Speargun
SANDBOX — Past: N/A | Present: ♘
PV3 — ♘ ♘ ♘ ♘ ♘ ♘
THEME: Tommy Körberg — Anthem

Supers:
S034: Isabella Lugosi — "Stay. Away. Stay- away-" — 32%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Phenomena
Supers — Memories: N/A | Game: 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦
THEME: John Carpenter — From The Fire

TV2:
SP5: Michael Robinson (Adopted from Polybius!) — "Oh shit." — 77%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Large Fishing Net
SANDBOX: N/A
TV2 — 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

TV3:
BC08: Marion Rosales — "Doesn't- matter if it works or not. You get- a chance to try." — 27%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Decorative Mareon Rosalales Nameplate
SANDBOX — Past: ☪ | Present: ☪ | 𓅓
TV3 — ☪ ☪ ☪ 𓅓 ☪ ☪
THEME: Dessa — Ride

SS01: Verity Stewart — "Fucking owned-" — 98%
Kills: 6 | Equipped with: Heckler & Koch P11, Harpoon
SANDBOX — Past: ★ ★ ★ | Present: ★ ★
TV3 — ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
THEME: Those Poor Bastards — Crooked Man

SC2:
G25: Jasmine King — "I win." — 32%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Colt Single Action Army, Hunga Munga
PREGAME — Past: ☻ ☻ | Present: ☻
SCDos — ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻ ☻
THEME: QZ Productions — My Mistress' Will
[+] Beyond
Image

PV3 Prologue:
M35: Buddy Underwood — "So... what, we creatin' some kinda Dogtown?" — 62%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Sledgehammer
BEFORE — Past: N/A | Present: N/A
PV3 Prologue — 1 2 3 4 5
THEME — ???
[+] The Future
ImageImage

Waldo Woodrow — The Best Friend — "Yo! Bro! Check out this shark I caught!"
Warion Roux — The Bumblebee — "Homme qui regarde même les signatures en notre année 2022?"
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MethodicalSlacker
Posts: 250
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 6:26 pm
Location: Hanging Onto A Buoy For Dear Life
Team Affiliation: Jewel's Leviathans
Contact:
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#3

Post by MethodicalSlacker »

Cybil Price if you'd like!
Eaten By The Worms || And Weird Fishes
[+] SOTF TV3
Jodi Hunter: Trying not to cause any ripples in the water. Pregame-1, Pregame-2, Flotilla-1, Flotilla-2, Flotilla-3, Flotilla-4, Flotilla-5
Mariko Whitney: Ready to roll the dice. Pregame-1, Flotilla-1, Flotilla-2⁸, Flotilla-3,
Flotilla-4


⁸SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST TTRPG V0.5 CHARACTER SHEET


Name: Mariko Whitney, the Marquise of Whimsy
Team: Jewel's Leviathans
Level: 3
Odds: Midgame
Role: Undeclared
Bucket List:
Observe as much gameplay as possible. Take notes on gameplay. Encourage specific gameplay scenarios.
Escape alive and intact.
EXP: 75/100

Rogue's Gallery (Stat-Sheet):
Guts: 7 (-2)
- Brawling
- Construction
- Athletics
Pluck: 12 (+1)
- Acrobatics (Proficiency Bonus +1)
- Subterfuge
- Firearms
Iron: 13 (+2)
- Pain Threshold
- Evasive Maneuvers
- Resist Fatigue
Moxie: 8 (-1)
- Conversation
- Performance (Proficiency Bonus +1) [Topic Bonus: Tap-Dancing]
- Team Spirit
Wiles: 12 (+1)
- Deception
- Persuasion
- Intimidation
Placidity: 10 (+/- 0)
- Reaction Speed
- Willpower
- Fight-or-Flight
Brains: 14 (+2)
- Tactics
- Investigation
- Encyclopedia (Topic Bonuses: Tabletop Games +2, Fantasy and Science-Fiction Novels +2, Survival of the Fittest +1)
Sleuthing: 11 (+/- 0)
- Survivalism
- Insight
- Etiquette
Luck: 18 (+4)
Perception: 10 (+/- 0)

Health Points:
Total: 80/80 (8d8 from Limb Total)
Head: 8/8 (1d8)
Torso: 8/8 (1d8)
Left Arm: 8/8 (1d8)
Right Arm: 8/8 [Bandaged] (1d8)
Left Leg: 8/8 (1d8)
Right Leg: 8/8 (1d8)
Mental: 6/8 (1d8) [Wounded I]
Social: 7/8 (1d8)
Blood: 800/800
Afflictions: [None]
Hunger: 7/8
Thirst: 4/8
Stress Counter: [8888888888888888] Unlucky Br8ak!!!!!!!!

Armor Points: 3
Head Armor: Top Hat (+1)
Torso Armor: Black Leviathans Tank-Top (+1)
Left Arm: Team Bandana (+0)
Left Gauntlet: Black Glove
Right Gauntlet: Black and Red-Flecked Glove
Leg Armor: Blue Denim Jeans (+1)
Footwear: Sneakers (+0)


Magic:
Spell List:
-
-
-
-
MP: 0/0 [Who are you kidding, Magic Is Fake As Shit!!!!!!!!!]

Duffel Bag:
- Rations:
- Saki Ika Dried Squid (0.25/1)
- Seaweed Snacks (2/3)
- Tuna Sandwich (1/1)
- Bread (2 Loaves/2)
- Oyster Crackers (1.75/2)
- Drinking Water (2.5/4)
- Life Savers (2/2)
- Gatorade (1.75/2)
- Rum Shot (0/1)

- Arena Map
- Sextant
- Flashlight w/ Batteries
- Condom (1/1)
- First Aid Kit (Opened, minus three bandages and some gauze tape):
- "No More Mr. Dice Guy" Graphic Tee
- Red Mohegan Sun T-Shirt
- Black Track Pants
- Black Two-Piece Bikini
- Tap-Dancer's Outfit: One sleeveless faux-leather jacket, black high-waisted dancing shorts, tights, and one pair of tap-dancing shoes.
- Black Leviathans Towel

Hands:
- Greener Harpoon Gun {48 .38 Caliber Blanks, Four Rope Lines, and Three Heads Remaining}
Pockets:
- n/a

Bio: [See Profile]
Skills:
Light Footwork
+1 to Evasion rolls on actions making use of legs.
Heavy Focus
Option to defer a turn on Sleuth rolls in exchange for a +2 bonus.
Burdens:
Weak Arms
-1 to Guts rolls involving arms.
Vile Tongue
Every eight instances of dialogue (back-and-forth talking with other players/NPCs), roll 1d8. Mariko makes an offhand comment with rudeness inversely proportional to the absolute value of the number rolled—
8. Uneasy Compliment
7. Ambiguous Statement
6. Playful Jab
5. Backhanded Serve
4. Ego Bruise
3. Insult on top of Injury
2. Salt their Wounds
1. Salt the Earth

Wound:

Hedgehog's Dilemma: -1 to skill checks made for social interactions.

Teammates:
Seth...

Allies:
Kamille

Enemies:
Gabriela, Seo-Yun

????:
Leslie, Ivan, Mandy


[+] Program V3 Prologue
Image - Cybil Price: "I've been waiting for this." Anouncement Day, Arena-1, Arena-2, Arena-3, Arena-4, The Rescue, After-1, After-2
[+] Second Chances V2
Image - Katie 'Kitty' Gittschall: "I'm guessing that you want to win, right?" Memory-1, Pregame-1, Island-1, Island-2, Island-3, Island-4, Island-5, Island-6, Island-7, Island-8, Island-9.
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