Isabella Lugosi

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Wham Yubeesling
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Isabella Lugosi

#1

Post by Wham Yubeesling »

Name: Isabella Lugosi
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Grade: 11
Hobbies and Interests: Entomology and other associated disciplines, fashion, literature

Gift: Phenomena
Power Details: Isabella has the power to verbally communicate with any insect, arachnid, or any other sort of bug within a one-hundred metre radius of herself, in addition to being able to understand their thoughts, communications, and feelings through intuitive telepathy. She also has an intuitive knowledge of where all bugs are within her radius, and — should the bug actively want her to — has the ability to access their senses and memories, coming in the form of intense visions which forcibly take over her sight, smell, and touch. Her voice has a unique psychic effect which leaves bugs inclined to follow any orders she gives them — so long as they do not override the bug’s sense of self-preservation — and then in turn broadcast her voice and orders to any other bugs that would understand within the radius. Orders generally last until they are completed or otherwise overridden — they will still continue to follow orders if they are otherwise outside of the radius or if Isabella is asleep, though should their instinct or sense of self preservation take over they’ll generally forget what Isabella told them to do and return to their natural behavior. In addition, bugs affected by her power are friendly to her by default — even if she doesn’t communicate with them, they will naturally see her as a non-threat and will not act hostile to her under any circumstances.
Limitations and Drawbacks: Isabella’s Gift requires explicit verbal communication in order to commune with insects, which means that she would be unable to use a substantial portion of her power should she be in a situation where she can’t speak or if that function is otherwise taken away from her. Her ability to access senses and memories is physically disorientating — fully taking over the senses it uses and leaving her unable to see, touch or smell anything outside of the vision until it is over. Furthermore, being able to commune with insects often means that Isabella is attuned to bug ways of communication/feeling emotion, which in addition to causing issues with understanding and communicating with humans — Isabella not quite being able to understand specific tone or social cues — means that oftentimes her mental/emotional state is often at the whims of the swarm around her. Things such as conflict between species, hunger, or mating season can reflect hard on Isabella’s mood in ways that are notably strong and yet imperceptible to her — feeling these swings as completely normal even in the face of being told otherwise. In addition, should she be physically close to a large number of the same insect, she can be very easily absorbed into their collective memories, causing her to genuinely believe she is one of them and act as such. While early therapy and training has rendered her more resistant to this, she is still capable of being pulled if in a state where her brain is not working at full capacity, such as if she is asleep or under hypnosis.

Appearance: Isabella is rather short and lightweight, standing at 5’0” and weighing 109 lbs. She is Caucasian — with Eastern-European heritage — and slightly scrawny, lack of exercise making the majority of her weight flesh and bone. She has straight, silky black hair that would otherwise go down to her hips were it not tied up in a messy, disorganized beehive haircut. It hasn’t been washed in several months, and is nest to dandruff, spider silk — used to keep the clumps together and on top of her head — and assorted bugs and cocoons, including her pet Huntsman spider and best friend Melissa. She has a diamond-shaped face, with sapphire blue eyes, a button nose, thin lips, and assorted freckles dotting her cheeks. Her fingers are covered with band-aids covering some scabs and ripped-off skin from feeding bugs and habitual skin picking. Her clothing alters between cheap t-shirts and jeans she finds in the dollar store — generally preferring convenience over any particular sense of fashion — or novelty clothing which is generally bug-associated in some way or form, often given to her by her family. On the day of abduction, Isabella was wearing one of her attempts at a spider-silk singlet, a forest green sweater with gold cicadas pinned on across the front and back, a black-ankle length skirt depicting a spiderweb, and gold scorpion earrings. She is currently barefoot, having taken her shoes and socks off during the bus ride.

Background:
  • Isabella was born on the 7th of July, 2005 to parents Louisa and Albert Lugosi, two old-money scholars who live off of their wealth, with one brother, Ambrus, in the year above, and a third child on the way. The Lugosis live in a mansion on the outskirts of town, and are avoided by the locals due to their weird and off-putting demeanor — finding joy in creeping out their community and refusing to conform to traditional ideals on how to act as a wealthy family, taking pride in their idiosyncrasies and valuing self-expression above all else.
  • Isabella enjoyed her early childhood, taking an immediate shine to her gift — a lifelong passion in bugs had been sparked from the age of two, finding quick friends in them and spending several hours a day chatting and playing with them.
  • However, when she was four, an incident occurred when jumping from a tree that caused her to lose consciousness. While unconscious, her mind came into contact with a swarm of bees living nearby, who then, through collective memory, assimilated her into the swarm. She spent several hours under thrall, convinced she was a bee until her brother found her and snapped her out of it.
  • However, after this, she was not quite yet free from being a part of the swarm. She would often experiment with her powers, and allow her to become part of many different types of swarms. She found unification with insects to be a transcendent experience, and slowly started to spend what free time she had allowing herself to be assimilated, at times preferring to be a bug rather than a human.
  • Her parents eventually grew concerned about this and talked with therapists to consider power-suppression so that their child would not continue to develop what was already an unhealthy attachment. They went through with it, and Isabella’s power became severely limited, not even being able to talk to other bugs like she used to anymore.
  • This made her sad and morose for the better part of a year, and when schooling led her to become an outcast among humans — due to her interest in bugs and parents advising their children to avoid the Lugosi — her mother and father decided to discontinue power-limiting, wanting her daughter to be herself above all else and deciding mental training would be a better avenue to resisting more harmful influences on her.
  • And as such, Isabella has gone through her life keeping her power and preferring the company of bugs over humans, with therapy and mental training preventing her from suffering the worst of the effects of the influence her power has on her.
  • However, she is still able to feel the call of the swarm while she sleeps, and still possesses an addiction to and a belief in the experience of unifying with a group of bugs. She has recently come to start extolling the virtues of becoming a bug to anybody at school willing to listen, and while for the most part she has been dismissed as bizarre by the rest of the student body, she has found herself able to draw in other social outcasts across the school — if not for legitimately believing what Isabella is talking about, finding themselves connected with her due to the promise of a group of friends and bugs to interact with.
  • This has attracted the attention and concern of teachers, who have given her detentions for her most overt attempts to extoll the virtues of bugs, though attempts to tell her parents to fix Isabella’s behavior now fall on deaf ears — they want to see Isabella happy and herself and they’re proud of her eccentricities.
  • Isabella has had a lifelong interest in reading, both as a solitary activity that brought her away from humans and as a method of further experimenting with her power — reading out loud to her bugs to see whether they can be taught higher intelligence.
  • Fashion, comparatively, is a more recent hobby — one she has started to pursue after a member of her group suggested the idea of creating clothing out of spider silk. She has recently joined an ameatur home economics club, and has since attempted to command her bugs to try and make clothes, though her skills as of yet are fairly limited.
  • Isabella does decently academically, doing well in the sciences and the more practical subjects while tending to suffer in classes which require more abstract ways of thinking, requires co-operation, or require more complicated processes for answers, such as providing sources or showing the process of how she reached her answer. Her teachers note her as a student who excels when she’s covering topics she’s passionate about — it’s just that she is generally one-track minded and getting her to pay attention and put the work into other topics can be difficult.
  • Isabella is unsure about what she wishes to do for the future, and finds herself split several different ways. While she still seeks unification and wants to find more friends to talk about insects with, she has been guided by teachers and her parents towards potentially finding a scholarly career and using her Gift to advance the field of entomology. The arrival of a little sibling is also a topic of great exuberance within the Legosi household, and Isabella finds herself quite excited to become a big sister.
Personality: Isabella, by human standards, is severely socially stunted — having spent most of her time since kindergarten shunned by humans and preferring the company of insects leaving her unused to talking to people who aren’t bugs or her immediate family. She can be considered polite, formal, and somewhat soft-spoken when she is under control, though her single-minded obsession with bugs and her being more on their wavelength while communicating often means she is very easily excitable and is prone to sudden emotional shifts and acting on base instincts. While she often can contain herself and host conversations with anyone interested in actually hearing what she has to say, for the most part she is known around school as a weird, loony bug lady who’s easy both to ignore and pick on.

Other Skills: None
[+] The Present
Image Image

SC3:
???: Jeremy Frasier — "..." — 0%
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
THEME: Jim's Big Ego — Stress

B02: Maxwell Lombardi — “Then I'll beat them again. Simple as that.” — 100%/0%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: SPAS-12 Shotgun, Trident, Colt .357 King Cobra, Meat Cleaver
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos — |
SCTres —
THEME: Eminem — The Way I Am
[+] The Past
ImageImageImage Image Image

BRAU2:
B11: Hiroki Sugimura — "Listen, Kayoko, I lov-” — 10%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Shamisen
BRAU2 —

INTL:
O07: Jaxon Chen (Adopted from Tapey!) — "You- started- this-" — 55%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Poison Ivy Gloves, Smoke Bomb, Crutch
INTL —

PV3:
F01: Michelle White — "Because if you can forgive me, then… then maybe I can try to forgive myself. Amen." — 68%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Ghille Suit, Combat Knife w/ Sniper Scope, Speargun
SANDBOX — Past: N/A | Present:
PV3 —
THEME: Tommy Körberg — Anthem

Supers:
S034: Isabella Lugosi — "Stay. Away. Stay- away-" — 32%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Phenomena
Supers — Memories: N/A | Game: 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦
THEME: John Carpenter — From The Fire

TV2:
SP5: Michael Robinson (Adopted from Polybius!) — "Oh shit." — 77%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Large Fishing Net
SANDBOX: N/A
TV2 — 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

TV3:
BC08: Marion Rosales — "Doesn't- matter if it works or not. You get- a chance to try." — 27%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Decorative Mareon Rosalales Nameplate
SANDBOX — Past: | Present: | 𓅓
TV3 — 𓅓
THEME: Dessa — Ride

SS01: Verity Stewart — "Fucking owned-" — 98%
Kills: 6 | Equipped with: Heckler & Koch P11, Harpoon
SANDBOX — Past: | Present:
TV3 —
THEME: Those Poor Bastards — Crooked Man

SC2:
G25: Jasmine King — "I win." — 32%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Colt Single Action Army, Hunga Munga
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos —
THEME: QZ Productions — My Mistress' Will
[+] Beyond
Image

PV3 Prologue:
M35: Buddy Underwood — "So... what, we creatin' some kinda Dogtown?" — 62%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Sledgehammer
BEFORE — Past: N/A | Present: N/A
PV3 Prologue — 1 2 3 4 5
THEME — ???
[+] The Future
ImageImage

Waldo Woodrow — The Best Friend — "Yo! Bro! Check out this shark I caught!"
Warion Roux — The Bumblebee — "Homme qui regarde même les signatures en notre année 2022?"
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VoltTurtle
Posts: 491
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2018 5:41 am

#2

Post by VoltTurtle »

For the crime of punning, I sentence you to the highest punishment that this court will allow:

Image



























...in all seriousness, she's not permanently denied, but that pun has got to go. Also if you test my patience by trying to sneak a different pun in with your edits I will actually perma-deny her just to send you to the back of the queue, so don't push it.

Let's get started with the actual critique, shall we?

First thing is first, I have a big point of contention with a large chunk of Isabella's background, which is mainly regarding the "hive mind" bits. Eusocial insects like bees and ants do NOT have a "hive mind" as it is often portrayed in fiction, and even if they did it wouldn't be controlled by the queen (the queen bee of a hive actually has less power than the average bee) or any other single unit for that matter.

Much like human social organizations, the collective actions of a hive that appear to be driven by a collective will are actually an emergent phenomena of the individual, pro-social actions of the bees in it. They communicate with each other via pheromones and "dances", but again, much like humans, they all have their own individuality and decision-making skills and are not controlled by a single "mind". As such, as amusing as I personally find the whole "assimilated into a hive mind" thing to be, it's going to have to be entirely reworked if you want to keep the spirit of it.

One route that I would suggest, which will require adjusting her power limitations (which I will get to in a moment), is that perhaps Isabella's ability to experience the sensory input and memories has the side effect that if she's around (or loses consciousness near) A LOT of the same kind of insect at once (like, say, a beehive) her mind will be overtaken by their collective memories and she will start to consider herself to be one of them and acting like them until she's "snapped out of it". It's the same effect as her being "assimilated into a hive mind" and works as such for her background, but without the problems mentioned above. It also provides the side bonus that it works with any large group of insects (not just eusocial ones) and also she could even like being in that state, much like she enjoys being part of the "hive mind" in the current draft.

--

Onto her Gift.
Wham Yugheesling wrote: Wed Dec 01, 2021 3:02 pm Gift: Phenomena
Power Details: Isabella has the power to verbally communicate with any insect, arachnid, or any other sort of bug within a one-hundred-metre radius, in addition to being able to understand their thoughts, communications, and feelings. She also has an intuitive knowledge of where all bugs are within her radius, and from time to time has the ability to access their senses and memories, coming in the form of intense visions which forcibly take over her sight, smell, and touch. Lastly, her voice has a unique psychic effect that leaves bugs inclined to follow any orders she gives them — so long as they do not override the bug’s sense of self-preservation — and then in turn broadcast her voice and orders to any other bugs that would understand within the radius. Orders generally last until they are completed or otherwise overridden — they will still follow orders if they are otherwise outside of the radius or if Isabella is asleep, though should their instinct or sense of self-preservation take over they’ll generally forget what Isabella told them to do and go back to doing their own thing.
Limitations and Drawbacks: Isabella’s Gift requires explicit verbal communication in order to commune with insects, which in addition to making her look like a bit of a weirdo from the outside means that she would be unable to use a substantial portion of her power should she be in a situation where she can’t speak or if that function is otherwise taken away from her. Her ability to access senses and memories is physically disorientating — fully taking over the senses it uses and leaving her unable to see, touch or smell anything outside of the vision until it is over.

Furthermore, being able to commune with insects often means that Isabella is attuned to bug ways of communication/feeling emotion, which in addition to causing issues with understanding and communicating with humans — Isabella not quite being able to understand specific tone or social cues — means that oftentimes her mental/emotional state is often at the whims of the swarm around her. Things such as conflict between species, hunger, or mating season can reflect hard on Isabella’s mood in ways that are notably strong and yet imperceptible to her — feeling these swings as completely normal even in the face of being told otherwise. In addition, creatures such as termites, ants, and bees have the capability to pull Isabella into their collective consciousness, and subsume Isabella into their hive-mind unless/until a third party pulls her out of it. While early therapy and training has rendered her more resistant to this, she is still capable of being pulled if in a state where her brain is not working at full capacity, such as if she is asleep or under hypnosis.
There are a few things that confuse me about Isabella's Gift and a few word choices I think could be a bit more precise. Going sentence by sentence:
within a one-hundred-metre radius
Clarification; "radius of herself".
in addition to being able to understand their thoughts, communications, and feelings
How does she understand their thoughts and feelings? Is it an intuitive thing, like her knowledge of their location, or does she have to start a conversation with them first, or is it a side effect of her ability to access their senses and memories? The limitations suggest the first option, but that will need to be spelled out.
and from time to time has the ability to access their senses and memories, coming in the form of intense visions which forcibly take over her sight, smell, and touch
What does "from time to time" mean? Is it something that she has no control over, and thus it just happens when it happens, or is there some other limitation at play?
they will still follow orders if they are otherwise outside of the radius or if Isabella is asleep
Clarification; "they will continue to follow orders even if they are".
take over they’ll generally forget what Isabella told them to do and go back to doing their own thing
"Go back to doing their own thing" is very informal for what's supposed to be a scientific explanation of her power. "Return to their natural behavior" would be much better.
in addition to making her look like a bit of a weirdo from the outside
This is a subjective assessment (and therefore not a good fit for her power details/limitations). Evidence: frankly, I think it's cute. So cut this bit out.

Also, get rid of the paragraph break between the two blocks of the limitations, it should just be one big block.
In addition, creatures such as termites, ants, and bees have the capability to pull Isabella into their collective consciousness, and subsume Isabella into their hive-mind unless/until a third party pulls her out of it.
You know the drill with this one, per the above.

Finally, and this is more of a suggestion than anything you actually need to do, but perhaps bugs are also passively friendly (or at least non-hostile) to her? Otherwise I can't imagine her not being stung to death during the incidents where she was overtaken and LARPed as a bee (assuming you go with that option).

--

Appearance!
She has straight, silky black hair that would otherwise go down to her hips were it not tied up on top of her scalp akin to how someone would wrap a towel around their head.
You can just say that she keeps her hair styled in a beehive hairstyle. I won't shoot you for it. Yet.
It hasn’t been washed in several months, and is nest to dandruff, spider silk — used to keep the clumps together and on top of her head — and assorted bugs and cocoons, including her pet huntsman and best friend Melissa.
I feel like this violates the school dress code in spirit. I doubt they have specific restrictions on keeping bugs in your hair though, so I'll allow it.
She has a diamond-shaped face, with sapphire blue eyes, a button nose, thin lips, and assorted dimples dotting her cheeks.
Assorted... dimples? Do you mean freckles? Because you can only have the two dimples when you smile. I should know, I have them.
On the day of abduction, Isabella was wearing one of her attempts at a spider-silk singlet, a forest green sweater with gold cicadas pinned on across the front and back, a black ankle-length skirt depicting a spiderweb, and gold scorpion earrings. She is currently barefoot, having taken her shoes and socks off during the bus ride.
This is good, but what kind of outfits does she typically wear, beyond just what she was wearing during the abduction?

--

Background and the rest...
Isabella was born on the 7th of July, 2004 to parents Louisa and Albert Lugosi
With this birthday, Isabella would actually be starting her senior year of high school at the time of the game (it's an October abduction). It's an easy fix, just change her grade (or adjust her birthday by a year) and she'll be good to go.
their weird and offputting
Off-putting. Also... why are they considered weird and off-putting? You bring it up more than once ("due to her interest in bugs and her family ties") so I feel like you're trying to sneak something past me here...
However, when she was four, an incident occurred when jumping from a tree that caused her to lose consciousness near a beehive. While unconscious, her mind came into contact with the queen bee of the hive, who was very quickly able to assimilate her into the swarm. She spent several hours under thrall until her brother found her and snapped her out of it.
You know the deal. This and every other mention of a "hive mind" will need to be reworked according to my initial comments.
Her mind would often go back to that same spot so that she could be taken over again, deeming the swarm a higher bee-ing and seeking unification with it.
If this pun isn't gone by the second round of edits I will shoot you sixteen times in the head and chest region. That isn't a threat, it's a promise.
However, she is still able to feel the call of the hive mind while she sleeps, and still possesses a belief in the unification abilities of The Swarm. She has recently come to start extolling the virtues of the hive mind to anybody at school willing to listen, and while for the most part she has been dismissed as bizarre by the rest of the student body, she has found herself able to draw in other social outcasts across the school — if not for legitimately believing what Isabella is talking about, finding themselves connected with her due to the promise of a group of friends and bugs to interact with.
Ignoring the hive mind bit that still needs to be adjusted (not to bee-t that dead horse) and the fact that this should probably be its own bullet point due to its length, this is a bit of a concerning behavior, especially if she's doing it so openly. I feel like the teachers would at least draw her parents' attention to it, if nothing else. How did the authority figures in her life react to this?
Fashion, comparatively, is a more recent hobby — one she has started to pursue after a member of her group suggested the idea of creating clothing out of spider silk. She has recently joined an amateur home economics club, and has since attempted to command her bugs to try and make clothes, though her skills as of yet are fairly limited.
This should be its own bullet point.

Finally, a few points of expansion:
-How does Isabella do in school, academically?
-What are her plans for the future?
Other Skills: None.
No period needed!

--

That's all! Remember my warnings, feel free to ask any questions you might have, and post back here when you've got all that done and I'll give Isabella another look! >:3c
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Wham Yubeesling
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#3

Post by Wham Yubeesling »

Made the changes!
[+] Changelog
In General:
  • Looked over the stipulations of the critique and realized that there's nothing to prevent me from just shoving as many puns as I can into the changelog instead. I have a feeling this'll result in me getting stung to death but that's fine with me, at least I'm going out as the ag-ant of my own demise.
Power Stuff:
  • specified that the one-hundred metre radius is around Isabella
  • specified that her being able to hear the bugs back is an intuitive thing
  • specified that Isabella's ability to go bug-eyed is mostly dependent on bug consent
  • clarified and tone-ified the two points re: when bug orders cease to be and stuff
  • took your suggestion that bugs are always friendly to her — even when she's not using her power on them bugs will think she's pretty fly
  • removed the bit about her power making her look weird to outsiders
  • made like a fly trap and snapped the two paragraphs of the limitations and drawbacks section together
  • to account for the fact that I've been lied to my whole life Isabella now has the tendency to fall into collective consciousnesses rather than hive minds
Appearants:
  • so I know I said this in call but genuinely I just had no idea how to describe her hairstyle and just tried the best I could. absolutely cannot bee-lieve that that's what it's actually called
  • so legitimately when I was writing this profile I checked, saw that the things that dot your cheeks were freckles, then I guess I wrote dimples down instead
  • Added a sentence about her clothing choices
Biography:
  • made Isabella born in 2005
  • tried to elaborate on why the Lugosis are ofputting to others — they take pride in being spooky/not like the other families and that upsets the WASPs in the neighborhood. Also fixed the hyphen! And replaced the em-dashes around Ambrus with commas
  • Isabella being absorbed by the hive queen is now Isabella being collectively adopted by the whole hive
  • Removed specific mentions to hive minds in regards to Isabella's later addiction to allying with the bugs
  • also removed the pun because you think it's louse-y. can't believe you're such a buzzkill
  • specified that the parents of the neighborhood kept their children away from Isabella from a young age because she'd be a BAD INFLUENCE
  • split paragraph for continued swarm-related activities, removed references to hive mind, and expanded on how parents and teachers think about all this
  • invited all the scuttlebugs together for one big jamboree
  • split fashion into its own dot point
  • added paragraphs on how well she does in school and what Isabella has planned for her future
Other skills:
  • removed the full stop from other skills

[+] The Present
Image Image

SC3:
???: Jeremy Frasier — "..." — 0%
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
THEME: Jim's Big Ego — Stress

B02: Maxwell Lombardi — “Then I'll beat them again. Simple as that.” — 100%/0%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: SPAS-12 Shotgun, Trident, Colt .357 King Cobra, Meat Cleaver
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos — |
SCTres —
THEME: Eminem — The Way I Am
[+] The Past
ImageImageImage Image Image

BRAU2:
B11: Hiroki Sugimura — "Listen, Kayoko, I lov-” — 10%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Shamisen
BRAU2 —

INTL:
O07: Jaxon Chen (Adopted from Tapey!) — "You- started- this-" — 55%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Poison Ivy Gloves, Smoke Bomb, Crutch
INTL —

PV3:
F01: Michelle White — "Because if you can forgive me, then… then maybe I can try to forgive myself. Amen." — 68%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Ghille Suit, Combat Knife w/ Sniper Scope, Speargun
SANDBOX — Past: N/A | Present:
PV3 —
THEME: Tommy Körberg — Anthem

Supers:
S034: Isabella Lugosi — "Stay. Away. Stay- away-" — 32%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Phenomena
Supers — Memories: N/A | Game: 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦
THEME: John Carpenter — From The Fire

TV2:
SP5: Michael Robinson (Adopted from Polybius!) — "Oh shit." — 77%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Large Fishing Net
SANDBOX: N/A
TV2 — 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

TV3:
BC08: Marion Rosales — "Doesn't- matter if it works or not. You get- a chance to try." — 27%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Decorative Mareon Rosalales Nameplate
SANDBOX — Past: | Present: | 𓅓
TV3 — 𓅓
THEME: Dessa — Ride

SS01: Verity Stewart — "Fucking owned-" — 98%
Kills: 6 | Equipped with: Heckler & Koch P11, Harpoon
SANDBOX — Past: | Present:
TV3 —
THEME: Those Poor Bastards — Crooked Man

SC2:
G25: Jasmine King — "I win." — 32%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Colt Single Action Army, Hunga Munga
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos —
THEME: QZ Productions — My Mistress' Will
[+] Beyond
Image

PV3 Prologue:
M35: Buddy Underwood — "So... what, we creatin' some kinda Dogtown?" — 62%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Sledgehammer
BEFORE — Past: N/A | Present: N/A
PV3 Prologue — 1 2 3 4 5
THEME — ???
[+] The Future
ImageImage

Waldo Woodrow — The Best Friend — "Yo! Bro! Check out this shark I caught!"
Warion Roux — The Bumblebee — "Homme qui regarde même les signatures en notre année 2022?"
User avatar
VoltTurtle
Posts: 491
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2018 5:41 am

#4

Post by VoltTurtle »

Few more things! The puns in the change log are fine, though you're lucky bug girl is cute.
Wham Yugheesling wrote: Wed Dec 01, 2021 3:02 pmAge: 17
Isabella was born on the 7th of July, 2005 to parents Louisa and Albert Lugosi
You forgot to adjust her age! She would be 16 by October 2021 if she was born in 2005.
Lastly, her voice has a unique psychic effect that leaves bugs inclined to follow any orders she gives them
Minor, but this isn't actually the last thing in her power details, so the "lastly" doesn't fit here.
In addition, beings affected by her power are also by default friendly to her — even if she doesn’t use her power they will immediately see her as a non-threat and will not act hostile to her under any circumstances.
Little rewording for clarity here; "In addition, bugs affected by her power are friendly to her by default — even if she doesn’t communicate with them, they will naturally see her as a non-threat and will not act hostile to her under any circumstances."
including her pet huntsman and best friend Melissa
Huntsman spider! (I believe that's how it was before?)
Her fingers are covered with bandaids covering and not covering scabs and ripped-off skin from feeding bugs and habitual skin picking.
Need a hyphen; band-aids. Also "covering and not covering" is a very awkward way of putting this, perhaps "covering some" instead?
and slowly started to spend what free time she had able allowing assimilation, at times preferring to be a bug rather than a human.
I relate. However, the wording of "had able allowing" is a bit awkward. Perhaps something like: "slowly started to spend what free time she had allowing herself to be assimilated" instead.
and still possesses an addiction and a belief in the experience
"Addiction to".
This has attracted the attention and concern of teachers, who have given her detentions for her most overt attempts to extoll the virtues of bugs, though attempts to tell her parents to fix Isabella’s behaviour now fall on deaf ears — they want to see Isabella happy and herself and they’re proud of the fact their child has managed to start a cult.
Split this to it's own bullet point. Also... maybe this shouldn't be called a cult? Real life cults have some uncomfortable implications surrounding them and I also wouldn't say Isabella's strange little bug club actually counts as one (...yet), even if she's preaching to an audience. Perhaps cut everything from "and they're proud" on and just leave it at that -- her parents being happy with her being herself is fine on its own as an explanation.
fully working out
Fully working out... what? Do you mean gym class (in which case "physical activity" would be what I'd put here) or something else?

--

That's it! Post back here when you've got that done and she should be good to go!
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Wham Yubeesling
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#5

Post by Wham Yubeesling »

Done!

Changelog:
  • Made her 16 instead of 17
  • Removed that "lastly"
  • Rewrote the sentence re: the friendliness effect using the way you put it
  • Melissa is now specifically a huntsman spider
  • Used less clunky wording to describe how bandaids cover scabs
  • Rewrote the sentence about allowing assimilation using your suggestion
  • she now has an addiction to and a belief, rather than an addiction and belief
  • Split off the dot point, her parents are now just proud of her rather than being specifically proud of her cult, reference to her being a cultist in personality is also changed
  • "working out" as in working out her answer, rewrote that to clarify
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SC3:
???: Jeremy Frasier — "..." — 0%
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
THEME: Jim's Big Ego — Stress

B02: Maxwell Lombardi — “Then I'll beat them again. Simple as that.” — 100%/0%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: SPAS-12 Shotgun, Trident, Colt .357 King Cobra, Meat Cleaver
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos — |
SCTres —
THEME: Eminem — The Way I Am
[+] The Past
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BRAU2:
B11: Hiroki Sugimura — "Listen, Kayoko, I lov-” — 10%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Shamisen
BRAU2 —

INTL:
O07: Jaxon Chen (Adopted from Tapey!) — "You- started- this-" — 55%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Poison Ivy Gloves, Smoke Bomb, Crutch
INTL —

PV3:
F01: Michelle White — "Because if you can forgive me, then… then maybe I can try to forgive myself. Amen." — 68%
Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Ghille Suit, Combat Knife w/ Sniper Scope, Speargun
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PV3 —
THEME: Tommy Körberg — Anthem

Supers:
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Kills: 1 | Equipped with: Phenomena
Supers — Memories: N/A | Game: 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦 𓆦
THEME: John Carpenter — From The Fire

TV2:
SP5: Michael Robinson (Adopted from Polybius!) — "Oh shit." — 77%
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SANDBOX: N/A
TV2 — 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

TV3:
BC08: Marion Rosales — "Doesn't- matter if it works or not. You get- a chance to try." — 27%
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SANDBOX — Past: | Present: | 𓅓
TV3 — 𓅓
THEME: Dessa — Ride

SS01: Verity Stewart — "Fucking owned-" — 98%
Kills: 6 | Equipped with: Heckler & Koch P11, Harpoon
SANDBOX — Past: | Present:
TV3 —
THEME: Those Poor Bastards — Crooked Man

SC2:
G25: Jasmine King — "I win." — 32%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Colt Single Action Army, Hunga Munga
PREGAME — Past: | Present:
SCDos —
THEME: QZ Productions — My Mistress' Will
[+] Beyond
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PV3 Prologue:
M35: Buddy Underwood — "So... what, we creatin' some kinda Dogtown?" — 62%
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BEFORE — Past: N/A | Present: N/A
PV3 Prologue — 1 2 3 4 5
THEME — ???
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Waldo Woodrow — The Best Friend — "Yo! Bro! Check out this shark I caught!"
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#6

Post by VoltTurtle »

APPROVED
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