pâro

[LeslieFranc]

((Cecil Salazar-Loveless continued from Quintessential Thinking))

At some point he finally reached the waterfall. There, he considered the option of throwing the so-called survival guide and the manual for his ballistic knife down to the lake. He already read them, had the important bits stored into his brain, so there wasn’t any point in keeping them anymore, was there? He couldn’t think of any way it could help him survive now. If it came to it, Cecil didn’t want anyone learning about how his weapon works. And the survival guide, well…

Why the fuck would he keep something that was telling him to be less than a decent human being? An object that only reminded him of his unfortunate reality and the moment he realized that when they shot Ms. Garcia—

He needed to get rid of it.

Cecil wanted to tear up the instruction manual and the booklet to pieces before letting them float through the air and down the body of water below.

But a part of him actually felt a little uneasy right after he thought of it. He wasn’t an environmentalist or anything, but the idea that he would be littering in nature…

He sighed to himself once he realized how stupid he was currently thinking.

Wrong priorities. No point in wondering about it.

Although…

If he could still worry about something like that right now, then he supposed that meant he was still himself.

Cecil was still the same boy who loves his family and shows courtesy to his elders and betters back home in Chattanooga. He just started trying to connect with his peers and regaining his joy for his hobbies. Always following the rules and succeeding in his endeavors by working himself to the bone, the boy constantly sought for approval for his accomplishments and good deeds. He wanted—no, needed to be the best, or at least at one point, that was all he wanted. But there were other things he wanted as well, and he did plan on achieving them along the way. To think the guilt that was currently weighing him down now was about throwing his trash down a waterfall…

He carefully pulled out his weapon from a pocket in his trench coat, contemplatively staring at it.

I could do so much worse.

All to win. To be the best. That’s what he always wanted, right?

But to his very core, from the very beginning, all he really wanted was to be a dutiful son.

And a good brother. A good student. But along the way, he also started wanting to be a good friend. A good boyfriend.

There were still so many things that he still didn’t like about himself, and yet that was all he had, and the least that Cecil could do is hold onto that boy from back home and make sure that he wouldn’t be somebody else while he remained in this island.

Despite the fact that somehow the only way forward is to do worse, Cecil had to hold on. Even if this island tried to make him suffer, Cecil would also try not to let go of himself and his life back home.

Cecil would go home.

Those were his thoughts at that time anyway.

The fact that he inevitably had to lose a lot of things for that to happen…it hadn’t sunk in yet.

He still wanted the best. He wanted it all.

That wasn’t simply possible.

To survive, he needed to follow some new rules.

He looked at the instruction manual and the survival guide.

Ah what the hell. I could use them to make fire.

And he definitely planned to. That way, he would get rid of them in a way that would be useful. What was he thinking, just throwing them away like that?

While he would definitely get rid of them one way or another, it was only because they were now nothing more than pieces of paper.

But the rules that were written in there?

He already took them to heart, although he might not be completely aware of it.

He had been standing so still, that when he moved just a bit it felt like his body creaked and wanted to complain.

Fuck.

Cecil backed away from the edge and returned the booklets to his bags before picking them up.

He stayed too long. Needed to move. Find a purpose to keep going.

Because if he didn’t, then he might not find it in himself to move again.

((Cecil Salazar-Loveless continued in Can't Control Myself))