Philosophies built upon songs by Queen

[The Honeless Beard]

((Dougie Sharpe, It all happened so slowly))

They walked.

Through bitter cold and a chilly wind, they walked, the easy companionship and the sudden physical affection of their reunion gone, evaporated and blown away by the temperature and the weather. Dougie stuck to her right side, watching over her head, behind them, around them, for any sign of approaching conflict. He forced himself to keep alert, keep looking, every fifteen footsteps.

Which left fourteen footsteps to think and process his time spent so far.

He was so sick of thinking and processing.

The announcements had come, and went. Jewel had been revealed as a killer, managed to bag herself two tallies. When he heard her name, he'd felt queasy, a little panicked, and a complete lack of surprise. He wasn't sure if he'd successfully made his face blank during the woman's little speech, but he was sure that he could chalk up any upset or regret on his features to the fact that kids were dying, as opposed to a specific one killing.

The less Lily knew about his little tete-a-tete with Jewel - the less she knew about what he could hear of her - the better.

When they reached the orchard, he spoke up.

"We should stop for a bit - eat. We'll need to find a place to sleep, too - that isn't out in the snow."

[Spindarene]

((Lily Ashburg continued from It all happened so slowly))

Lily wasn't sure what she'd expected after reuniting with Dougie. She'd been so focused on finding him that she hadn't given it much thought. When she'd first found him, she'd been happier than she would probably ever be again. Now, however, as they walked in silence, she didn't know how she felt.

As stupid as it was, part of her had hoped that everything would be fixed once they'd found each other, that the show somehow wouldn't matter anymore. Now she understood that there was no escaping from the show; it was her life now. She also knew that Dougie, even though he was hiding it, was just as lost and scared as she was.

Every time she glanced at his face she saw tension and worry, all traces of his earlier joy gone. He kept glancing around them, checking for other people. She kept her eyes out too, although her thoughts kept pulling her away from her surroundings.

She wished that she could think of something comforting to say to him. More than anything she wanted to tell him that it would be okay, and that they would get through this together. Every time these thoughts crossed her mind, however, she remembered the blue bandana tied around his wrist, and kept her mouth shut.

As they walked on, her thoughts turned to Valerie and Michael. She hoped that they'd found each other, and that they'd maybe even managed to form a group with some of their friends by now. She hoped that they would be strong enough to last through this, even though logically she knew that they wouldn't both make it out alive.

Dougie interrupted her thoughts by suggesting that they eat something, and find somewhere to sleep soon. Thankful for the distraction, she nodded in agreement, and scanned the area for a place to sit down. There was a large tree a few feet ahead which had less snow underneath it than those surrounding it. She headed towards it and sat down, making sure her area was clear of snow before doing so. Digging through her bag, she tried to find something to eat that wasn't disgusting. Settling on the sub, she extracted it and began to eat, wishing that she was back in her parents' kitchen making her own sandwich.

She ate in silence for a while, glancing at Dougie once or twice, but generally keeping her eyes on her food.

After a few minutes, however, she asked "So, what have you been doing?"

[The Honeless Beard]

Silence.

It seemed that throughout Dougie's life, silence had been one of the guiding factors - his own silence, solitude, quiet discomfort. He'd surrounded himself with talkers - his mom, Lily, Pia - who could carry the conversation forward while he fell back into the background, willed himself to go ignored.

But in this moment, with Lily eating her food and him left to shove his hands into his pockets and pretend not to stare, the silence nearly ate him alive.

When she spoke, he was almost too eager to speak.

"Oh - uh, you know," he began, reaching twitchy fingers to adjust the ever-present purple beanie, searching for words to follow the sentence and coming up short. He settled for a vague shrug and a slight clearing of his throat, before gesturing towards her.

"You?"

[Spindarene]

Lily raised her eyebrows at Dougie's answer. He was shifty, evasive, and had entirely avoided the question. That was what he did when he didn't want to talk about something. Avoid the question, change the subject. Still, those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. She knew that he would probably turn the question back on her, but was still unprepared when he did.

For a moment, she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to blurt out everything about Michael and Valerie, about how long she'd searched for him, about seeing that boy getting killed in the restaurant. She wanted to confess how guilty she felt about losing Valerie and Michael, how scared and sad and lonely she felt. She wanted to talk about the bandanas.

She stalled for a few seconds by taking a big bite out of her sandwich and chewing it. After swallowing, she spoke. “Mostly trying not to die.”

She looked at him. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable, which was understandable given the circumstances. She wondered briefly what he didn't want to tell her, but knew better than to ask. It wasn't her business, and until she could be completely honest with him, she couldn't judge him for keeping secrets from her.

“You need to eat too, you know. Adrenaline will only keep you going for so long, and you need your strength.” She hesitated. So far, they'd avoided talking about the show in depth. She wished they could keep it that way, but they needed to start coming up with a strategy, or at least a rough plan in case they ran into people. “Um, what weapon did they give you? Mine's this.” She held up the pink aluminum bat, her mouth twisting in a small humorless smile, avoiding his eyes. “It's crap, but it's better than nothing.”

[The Honeless Beard]

"A tickle-me-elmo," was Dougie's reply as he shifted, leaning against a tree and rubbing the grit from his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. He kept them there, pressed tight until he could only see shapes and colours, indistinct and floating - swimming and squirming behind his eyelids.

Rolling tight muscles in his shoulders, he eyed her again.

"Not really. To the strength thing." His eyes were restless, gaze flitting from baseball bat to her face to the sandwich she was eating to the snowy white ground. Suddenly, he reached into his bag, wrestling with it briefly before tossing her his sandwich, too.

"Hold on to that for me? And do you mind if I see that bat?"

[Spindarene]

A tickle-me-elmo? Seriously? Great. That was just awesome.

Lily lowered the bat and finished the last few bites of her sandwich, trying not to think about how screwed they were. She wondered fleetingly if Dougie was lying to her, but dismissed the thought almost as soon as it came. He had no reason to lie to her about this. She noticed him moving in her peripheral vision, and looking over saw that he was leaning against a tree, rubbing his eyes. He looked exhausted. A few seconds too late she realized that he was looking at her, and immediately shifted her eyes to the ground.

He said that he didn't really need his strength, and then she heard him messing with his bag. She felt something soft land in her lap, and saw that it was his sandwich. She stared at it incredulously as he spoke, looking up at him when he'd finished.

She felt anger welling up inside her as she stared at him. It was like he wasn't even trying. Did he think that it was easy for her to eat in this place? Every time she looked at her sandwich, the squishing tomatoes reminded her of blood seeping out of Austin's eye; the way the tomato and lettuce mixed brought up images of the blood and skin of the broken boy at the tower. She'd stuffed it down, though, because she knew that having energy would give her a better chance at surviving.

The logical part of her knew that she was being unreasonable. Maybe he'd eaten something before they'd met up, and anyway, it wasn't her business.

Except now it was. They were together, they were relying on each other for survival, and he wasn't doing a damn thing. She felt the beginnings of panic mixing with her anger.

She couldn't do this again. She could not be the leader again. Why the hell was everyone looking at her for what to do? She'd never led anyone at anything. She'd never done any extracurricular activities, she'd never wanted to be the captain of any kind of team, she'd just wanted to be herself. The only time she'd been in any kind of leadership role was when she had been tutoring Dougie. Was that it? Did he somehow think she knew what she was doing just because she'd taught him the difference between "who" and "whom"? This was completely different. She had no clue how to handle this situation, and apparently, neither did he.

A few deadly seconds passed as she stared at him with these thoughts swirling around her head until she finally spoke.

“Fine. You know what? Fine. Do what you want. Whatever. But you're taking the first turn sleeping, okay? Because I can't handle you passing out when people start shooting at us.”

She tossed the bat at him irritably and sank back against her tree.

She was still mad, but her anger was quickly being replaced with shame. Focusing on a nearby tree, she took a few deep breaths to calm down.

Placing the sandwich on top of her bag, she drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees.

“Sorry,” she mumbled after a couple minutes, staring at the ground. She was starting to wish that she was alone.

[The Honeless Beard]

Dougie slid his hands into his pockets as she snarled at him, only removing them to catch the pink bat she tossed at him - the tip of the bat falling forwards to hit him on the shoulder as his fingers closed around the handle. He let her rant, let her get it off of her chest as he stood there in the cold.

When she curled into herself and mumbled an apology, Dougie moved in front of her, utilizing the bat as a balance point as he crouched in front of her, leaning forwards until she filled his entire vision.

"You're going to get through this, Lily," he said, voice unshakably calm, eyes deadly serious, "okay? You're going to make it back."

He reached a big hand towards her, resting it on her forearm.

[Spindarene]

Lily felt cold at his words, her eyes searching his face in panic. His calm voice terrified her, his eyes more so. No. They weren't supposed to be talking about this. They could talk about food, sleep, even weapons, but not this.

Suggesting that they rest, but not sitting down. Making no move to sleep even though he was exhausted. Telling her to eat while eating nothing himself. Tossing her his sandwich, telling her it was for later. Everything he'd done since they'd found each other had been for her. He had been preparing her for the best chance of survival, while doing nothing for himself, because he didn't plan to make it out.

Her breath was coming in small, shallow gasps, and she became aware that her hands were trembling. She felt him put his hand on her arm; it was warm, comforting.

She stared at Dougie's face, trying to understand. She blinked and felt hot tears fall down her face as she spoke.

“So—so you're just going to give up? That's it? Is your life really so worthless to you that you're not even going to try?”

[The Honeless Beard]

His hand slid down her forearm as Dougie held her gaze, big fingers grasping both of hers, squeezing them. He'd have used his second hand to stroke, comfort, soothe - but it was gripping the bat tightly, determinedly.

"We can't both make it," he said, squeezing to emphasize his point, "and you know it. If one of us can make it out - if either of us are going to... get it done, it has to be you."

He shifted again, pressing his forehead into hers, left hand still holding onto that ridiculous pink bat. He prayed he could say more. He wanted to be able to do more.

He wished he was more.

[Spindarene]

Dougie's hand slid down her arm and grasped both of her shaking hands, holding them. As he spoke, what little composure Lily had maintained left her. Her face crumpled, and her breath quickly turned into sobs while tears streamed down her cheeks.

If either of us are going to...get it done, it has to be you. She knew what that meant. I can't bring myself to kill you, so you're going to have to kill me instead. For a moment she was angry. How could he ask her to do that? What gave him the right to take the easy way out? Did he think that it would somehow be easier for her to become a murderer? Didn't he know that it would destroy her to kill anyone, especially him? Then she realized that he hadn't just been looking after her. He'd been weakening himself on purpose, hoping to be picked off early so that she wouldn't have to do it later on.

She couldn't deal with this. She needed time to be alone, to think. She looked down, trying to block him out, but he leaned forward until their heads touched and stayed there. Closing her eyes, she felt the warmth passing between their hands, the pressure of his head against hers, his soft steady breath on her face.

She focused on their hands, their heads, their breath, and gradually her sobs quieted and her tears stopped. Opening her eyes, she pulled her head away from his and turned her focus to his face.

“Dougie, look...” she began, keeping her voice steady, trying to sound calm. “I know that we're not both going to make it. I know. But we're both still alive, and right now, that's what matters.” She saw pink out of the corner of her eye, and looking over she saw that his left hand was clutching her bat so tightly that his dark knuckles were almost white. Extracting her right hand from his, she gently took the bat from his grasp and replaced it with her hand.

“So, we don't have to decide right now, okay? Let's just focus on surviving. Both of us.” She curled her lips into what she hoped was a small, encouraging smile. She couldn't be sure, however, because right now smiling was the last thing she felt like doing. “So, please just humor me, okay? Go get some sleep.”

[The Honeless Beard]

The bat was tugged out of his grasp, and he considered holding even tighter to it for a moment before letting Lily take it, the bat falling to the snow with a soft thud. He squeezed her hand lightly, nodding at her, before releasing his hold on her and standing up.

He took a moment - just a moment - to straighten his beanie, brush off his pant legs, recover. His ambitions were bared to her, now - she knew his endgame, more or less. Winning this thing wasn't really in the cards for him.

But maybe - just maybe - he could get her home. And that was a noble goal, wasn't it? That wasn't sitting in the background while the world moved to fast forward. That wasn't sitting in the car while Trevor hit someone with a pipe, or refusing to take a step forward while two good things passed him by.

This was proactive. This felt good.

Right.

Dougie reached down to pick the bat back up, placed it over his shoulder, and reached a free hand to help haul Lily to her feet.

"I will," he said, smiling tentatively at her, a heavy hand caressing her shoulder, brushing at her hair.

"Let's find shelter first, though."

((Dougie Sharpe, Strategy adhering to a classic by Tom Petty))

[Spindarene]

Lily felt a rush of relief as Dougie spoke. He wasn't resisting her help anymore. She knew that he was serious about wanting her to win, but she had been worried that he'd completely given up on himself. As he smiled and stroked her shoulder, however, she felt reassured. There was still some hope for him.

She smiled back. "Sounds good."

((Lily Ashburg continued in Strategy adhering to a classic by Tom Petty))