Rikario Dalton

[FlockOfHens]

Name: Rikario Dalton
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Hobbies and Interests: Vinyls, computer technology, graphic novels, ice-skating, exercising

Appearance: Rikario is 6’2” tall, with a toned, skinny body and tanned skin from his Filipino heritage. His weight is around 178 lbs. with some stomach fat showing, but he’s trying to work it off. With his exercise, he is slowly building some arm, leg, and back muscles while also trying to maintain his pecs. He has short black hair styled with a wavy haircut and dark circles under his blue eyes due to his poor sleeping habits. Normally, he would wear standard clothing such as a long-sleeved shirt, jeans, and low-top sneakers, but at home, he wears his pajamas with baggy blue-plaided pants, a concert t-shirt, and ankle-high socks.

As for his Avatar, it is the same as his regular appearance, but with minor changes. The tips of his Avatar's hair are dyed rose gold. In addition, the dark circles around his eyes are gone, and his eyes are two separate colors (heterochromia), with his left eye being blue and his right eye being green. He wears grunge-styled clothes with black boots, dark green cargo pants with chains hanging from the belt loops, a white shirt with a simple design, and a denim jacket with many different patches.

Background: Born on September 9th, 2004, in Littleton, New Hampshire, Rikario is the son of Ayaan Dalton, a history teacher at a community college, and Caitlan Dalton, a well-known and respected geologist. Even with their busy work schedules, the Dalton parents still managed to find time to spend with their three children. Rikario is the second of three children. He has two brothers: Matias Dalton, two years his senior, a high-school graduate, and Gray Dalton, one year his junior, a junior at Sycamore High School. Rikario sometimes gets envious of his brothers because Matias is already working his way through college as a business major, and Gray already has plans for his future after high school. He and his brothers butt heads with one another, but in the end, they still care for each other.

Rikario was introduced to Cyber Reality at a young age, during his time in elementary school. He could explore the wonders of the Virtual World while still learning about different school topics with the aid of his teachers. He loved CR because the new technology made learning fun for him. Around this time, some of his teachers noticed differences from other students regarding Rikario's learning. He had trouble interacting with others, he couldn’t pay attention, and he was disorganized with his schedule. Because of this, teachers began to treat him differently than the other students to cope with his studies. Rikario didn't see anything different about himself, but his teachers began to suspect that he may have been on the spectrum, something that would contribute to his future dismay. His teachers had informed their findings to his parents, which made them worried for their son. Still in the dark, his parents had set him up with a few doctors to properly diagnose his neurodevelopmental disorders and even a few therapy sessions with other kids who were similar to him. These sessions helped the doctors understand more about his affected learning upon diagnosing him with ADHD and autism. Even with this, Rikario had made a few valuable friends along the way.

At the start of middle school, he had to move out to San Jose, California, due to his mother’s line of work. Although saddened by the sudden move, he could still contact his old friends using CR. It was also around this time that he fully grasped the idea of his autism. He wondered why he had to talk to specialized teachers or had to go to therapy sessions before. When he talked to his parents, they finally decided to explain to him about his autism. At first, he tried to deny the sudden fact from his parents, but the truth of it slowly dawned on him. He somehow felt out of place with his classmates knowing that he was getting extra help and receiving an individualized education plan (IEP) with his teachers. Even so, his friends, both in and out of CR, still treated him as their friend. Rikario kept up with many different hobbies just to be like them. He became interested in various genres of graphic novels, he quickly learned skating to race with his friends, and he was even encouraged to try exercising for a healthier body. His parents were happy that he had found joy with his friends, even if they were in CR.

But with the start of high school, something changed in Rikario, although his family didn't know what. He became more reclusive and strayed away from social interactions. As a result, slowly but surely, he drifted away from his friends and ended up alone. And to make matters worse, it had not only started to affect his learning, causing his grades to slowly plummet during his senior year, but it also began to take a toll on his sleep, and he struggled to rest at night. Matias and Gray slowly started to notice him not being his usual self and became worried about his depressive state. When Aayaan and Caitlan were told about Rikario's depression, they sought help immediately. They went to a therapist to try to determine the reasoning behind his current mood, but unfortunately, Rikario was reluctant. They wanted to get him into his hobbies again, but it didn't bring him the same happiness that it used to. They even considered medications, but he and his parents resisted the idea, fearing that it may worsen his state of emotions. Unbeknownst to his parents, Rikario was fully aware of his depression. He knows that it's there and it is tearing him away from his social life, but for some reason, he doesn't bother trying to find out how to fix it.

During this time, Rikario finally found inspiration for his plans when he found a box of his parents' old treasures. Many of these nostalgic mementos and items gathered, like vinyl records and old clothing, were collected from their parent's teen years. After listening to their music, he became enamored with some of these old belongings from the past that had made him well-versed in the fields of art. With this new goal in mind and on the brink of graduation, he is now dead set on his goal of continuing his path in the arts with film and music. He pursued this dream by searching for a college that catered to his major, and getting a part-time job working at a local record store, and he even made efforts to fix his grades to show the true potential of his goals. His family members are a little concerned about his plans for the future, believing that it may simply be a passing phase. In addition, they feel as though the unprofitability of his chosen career will mean they will have to support him financially. Rikario himself had also felt self-conscious about his path not being as perfect as his siblings'. Nonetheless, he wants to prove that he can do it.

Personality: Even with his depression affecting his sociability, he still makes an effort to be friendly around others. Rikario, due to his depressive thoughts, has low self-esteem, which makes him self-conscious and sensitive to the expectations of others. He often has the habit of not talking because of the thought that he'll say something stupid or that nobody might understand him. Because of his ADHD, there are moments when Rikario will space out, staring into the distance while lost in thought. He feels ashamed to accept the fact that he's on the spectrum, even though it affects him socially. Others believe that he has potential, but he doubts that assessment and repeatedly declines to commit himself; he worries that were he to put his effort in, he would not meet their expectations. In addition, his depression hampers his confidence in himself. Rikario thinks that the root cause of his depression is his worries that, due to his autism, he will be a burden to his family and disappoint them. As a result, he overworks himself, feeling the need to prove he isn't a failure. He doesn't want to dig deeper into the idea than he has already, as he feels dwelling on it will only bring him more pain.

Reputation: Rikario has a reputation for being rather quiet. However, a few of his classmates would note how he would sometimes be helpful to them on a few group assignments or homework questions. He doesn't have any close friends, nor does he try to make new ones. Some of his classmates would sometimes admire his sense of style or his knowledge of music and old musicians. Although he failed to reconnect with his old friends, he feared that they would no longer like him or have any interest in talking to him. Unfortunately, his suspicions came true when he found out that his friends no longer had time to talk to him. Even when his grades are being fixed to be more passable, his teachers find it a problem that he doesn't pay attention to the lessons given. There was a rumor that he once barely studied for an upcoming history exam, but after less than an hour of looking through his notes, he aced it with perfect scores.

[FlockOfHens]

I may need some help with grammar and expanding the info...

[DerArknight]

Hello there and welcome to Cyber!

At the moment, Rikario is DENIED pending several edits and additions. I can see the outline for a good character, but right now the profile rather short and there are many points I ask you to elaborate further. So let's get straight to the points:

Name: Rikairo Dalton

Apart from the i and r being misplaced, you put the name inside the bold-tag, resulting in it being bold as well.

Age: 18

If Rikario's birthday is in September, as the background states, then he would be 17 at the time the version takes place.

Hobbies and Interests: Vinyls, technology, graphic novels, ice-skating, exercise

"Technology" is a tad too unspecific. What kind of technology is Rikario interested in? Also "exercising" would be more fitting than "exercise". Also, the middle three hobbies are never mentioned in the background-section. Short mentions when and where Rikario picked up these hobbies would be helpful.

You put breaks at the start of every larger category in the profile. For example, instead of

Appearance:
Rikario is 6’2” tall, with a

it should be

Appearance: Rikario is 6’2” tall, with a

and dark circles under his blue eyes due to his lack of sleep.

What is the reason for his lack of sleep? If it is bad enough for him to have dark circles, it should have a specific cause.

Born on September 9, 2005, in New Hampshire

should be

Born on September 9th, 2005, in New Hampshire

Also where in New Hampshire did the family live?

Rikairo is in the middle of his older brother Matias Dalton, a graduate of Sycamore High, and his younger brother Gray Dalton, a sophomore of Sycamore High.

Rikario's name again has a typo. Also the "in the middle of" is redundant since the previous sentence already established Rikario being the middle child.

Apart from that, his brothers are never mentioned again. I think you should elaborate more about them. What is Rikario's current relationship with them? He and his younger brother Gray are attending the same school, so how often do they interact at Sycamore High, if at all?

Because of this, teachers began to treat him differently than all the other students. Without his knowledge, Rikario was viewed to be on the Spectrum, much to his dismay in the future.

Differently in a positive or negative way?

Also did the teachers tell Rikario's parents about their suspicions? Was Rikario ever properly diagnosed by a doctor? Is he aware of it nowadays? Is he taking medicaments or getting therapy?

Finally, "Spectrum" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Although saddened by the sudden move, he became introduced to the use of Cyber Reality and the wonders of the virtual world.

Why did it take Rikario moving to San Jose until he got involved with CR technology? Math says that Rikario started Middle School around 2016. CR technology was published 2010 and quickly became important all across the globe. So Rikario should at least have known about it while still living in New Hampshire.

But with the start of high school, something changed in Rikario. He and his family didn’t know what, but something just changed.

Okay, so here we hit a real snag: Even if Rikario doesn't know the reason for his sudden depression, the profile should still know. Rikario's depression needs to have some sort of cause that I would like to see explored in the profile. Especially since the lines about him losing friends and making others worry about him indicate that his depression was quite impactful.

With this new happiness and on the brink of graduation, he is now dead set on his goal of continuing his path in the arts with film and music.

I would like a clearer picture of what he plans to do with his life. There are many different jobs in the industries for film and music. Has he a specific field in mind? Is he planning on attending an university?

He does fear that his social disability is just a disability, even though it’s what makes him stand out from others.

I am not sure what you are trying to say with this sentence. Especially since before that you describe him as "Calm, friendly, and helpful" and "cheery and energetic" towards those he is close to. So it seems like he no longer has troubles socializing.

Another weakness is that his teachers say that he has true potential, but refuses to show it to them.

Why does he refuse to show it?

---

And that are the most important parts. Note that I left out several grammar issues because due to the many changes and additions I ask for, I expect most parts to be rewritten or replaced anyway.

Lastly, I would like to ask you to only post in this thread to let me know that the edits are done and that Rikario is ready for round 2. This post explains why repeat posts should be avoided.

As it stands, Rikario needs some work beofre approval, but I will be with you every step of the way. If you have any inquiries, you can reach me by sending a PM or writing me on Discord, where I have the same username as here.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

[FlockOfHens]

I've followed your points and made some edits. Although I fear that it still needs fixing grammar-wise. (Also thank you for helping me with this! )

[Dogs231]

Hello, FlockOfHens. I (and the rest of the SOTF: Cyber team) want to offer our sincerest apologies for the delay in your critique. From here on out, I'll be your new critique staff for this profile. First, I'd like to start with a small shpiel—this is a process, but the goal isn't to hold your character back; it's to help make their profile shine even more than it already does. With that in mind, let's hammer out the rest of this process together.

Name: Rikario Dalton

So, there's one issue here still. Only the section ("Name:") should be bolded, not the name of the character themself ("Rikario Dalton").

Name: Rikario Dalton

Hobbies and Interests: Vinyls, Computer Technology, Graphic Novels, Ice-Skating, Exercising

Profiles use Hobbies and Interests section as a list format, which means that only the first item in the list ("Vinyls") should be capitalized (unless some of the other items in the list are proper nouns, in which case they should also get capitalized as with any other proper noun).

Hobbies and Interests: Vinyls, computer technology, graphic novels, ice-skating, exercising

His weight is around 178lb with some stomach fat slowly showing, but he’s trying to work it off.

Two things here. One, it should be "178 lbs." or "178 pounds," not "178lb", to ensure proper measurement formats. Second, I'm unsure what you mean by "slowly showing." I'd cut the word "slowly" for clarity, as the description works fine even without the added qualifier.

His weight is around 178 lbs. with some stomach fat showing, but he’s trying to work it off.

He has short black hair stylized with a wavy haircut [...]

There's a minor typo here; it should be "styled," not "stylized."

He has short black hair styled with a wavy haircut [...]

Normally he would wear normal clothing [...]

This sentence is a little redundant, and the tenses are odd. In addition, there's a missing comma. A good rule of thumb is that you should try to avoid statements of uncertainty in profiles (ie. "normally, he would wear") in favor of concrete ones of fact (ie. "normally, he wears"). I'd replace the second "normal" with a synonym (for example, "ordinary," "standard," "average," "common") to make the sentence read a bit better.

Normally, he would wear [synonym] clothing [...]

[...] but when at home, [...]

I'd simplify this sentence.

[...] but at home, [...]

With his Avatar, his body remains the same but with minor changes.

The sentence structure here doesn't flow right. I would change it to something like:

As for his Avatar, it is the same as his regular appearance, but with minor changes.

For starters, the tips of his hair are dyed with Rose Gold, his dark circles are gone, and his eyes become two separate colors (Heterochromia) with his left eye being blue & the other being green.

"For starters" is a phrase that is too informal for use in a profile; in any other context, it'd work, but here, it just feels too loose. In addition, the phrase "dyed with Rose Gold" feels odd, especially with "Rose Gold" being capitalized. I would change it. "Become" also doesn't feel like the right way to describe his Avatar's heterochromia. Lastly, we try to avoid symbols like ampersands ("&") in the profile in favor of their alphabetical equivalents ("and"). I'd also break this up into more than one sentence.

The tips of his Avatar's hair are dyed rose gold. In addition, the dark circles around his eyes are gone, and his eyes are two separate colors (heterochromia), with his left eye being blue and his right eye being green.

He wears Grunge-styled clothes with black boots [...]

"Grunge" doesn't need to be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun.

He wears grunge-styled clothes with black boots [...]

Background:
Born on September 9th, 2004, in Littleton, New Hampshire, [...]

You've fixed most of the errors regarding formatting in the profile, but this one remains. Like the appearance section before it, there should be no gap between the section name ("Background:") and the sentence afterward ("Born on [...]"). We'd like you to fix this before approval.

Born on September 9th, 2004, in Littleton, New Hampshire, Rikario is the son of Ayaan Dalton, a History Teacher at a community college, and Caitlan Dalton, a well-known & respected Geologist.

You don't need to capitalize their jobs unless you're listing proper nouns (ie. the name of their place of work). Also, please replace the ampersand.

Born on September 9th, 2004, in Littleton, New Hampshire, Rikario is the son of Ayaan Dalton, a history teacher at a community college, and Caitlan Dalton, a well-known and respected geologist.

Even with the mother and father becoming buried in their jobs, they still manage to squeeze in time with their three children.

The grammar here is odd. In addition, "squeeze in" is a little too informal. I'd rewrite the sentence for additional clarity; here's my suggestion:

Even with their busy work schedules, the Dalton parents still managed to find time to spend with their three children.

Rikario is the middle child of his older brother Matias Dalton, a graduate of Sycamore High, and his younger brother Gray Dalton, a junior of Sycamore High.

This sentence is a little wonky and hard to follow. Second, is his older brother's name 'Matias' or 'Mataias'? You use both in the profile. In addition, we don't have a good sense of his siblings' ages; how much older or younger are they than Rikario? I'd rewrite this sentence as follows:

Rikario is the second of three children. He has two brothers: [Matias/Mataias] Dalton, [x] years his senior, a high-school graduate, and Gray Dalton, [x] years his junior, a junior at Sycamore High School.

Rikario sometimes gets envious of his brothers because Mataias is already working his way through college as a business major, and Grey already has plans for his future after high school.

I'd like you to explore this point more. Does Rikario feel insecure about his lack of plans for the future? Do his parents treat any of the siblings differently from him? I think it'd be a good detail and I'd like more on it.

He and his brothers don't get along, but in the end, they still care for each other.

Is there any particular reason that the three siblings don't get along with one another? Or is it just the usual butting of heads between siblings?

During his years in elementary, Rikario had been introduced to Cyber Reality at a young age.

The grammar is a little odd here. I'd change it to be as follows:

Rikario was introduced to Cyber Reality at a young age, during his time in elementary school.

He was able to explore the grand wonders of the virtual world while still learning about different school topics with the aid of his teachers.

First, I'd change "able to" to "could." Second, "grand wonders" is a bit odd phrasing-wise. I'd just cut the word "grand." In addition, as places in Cyberspace are akin to physical spaces, the phrase "Virtual World" should be capitalized as a proper noun.

He could explore the wonders of the Virtual World while still learning about different school topics with the aid of his teachers.

What he loved about CR was that the experiences of this new technology had made learning fun.

I'd clean up the grammar here (when in doubt, simplification is usually the best way to make the structure work better). My suggestion would be:

He loved CR because the new technology made learning fun.

Alongside this, some of his teachers began to see differences between him and his learning.

I don't think "alongside this" is the best way to segue into this topic. I would use "around that time." In addition, the latter half of the sentence is grammatically messy and hard to parse. I think what you mean to say is:

Around this time, some of his teachers noticed differences from other students regarding Rikario's learning.

Because of this, teachers began to treat him in a different but positive way than all the other students.

The wording here is a little unclear, and I'm unsure what you mean by "different but positive."

Without his knowledge, Rikario was viewed to be on the spectrum, much to his dismay in the future.

So, I'm a little confused on this point. You mention that Rikario was "viewed to be on the spectrum." Is he on the spectrum? Or is this merely the perception they had of him? In addition, was there any reason Rikario did not know of this at the time? Did he suspect anything different about himself, or was he in the dark about his differences from other kids?

His teachers had notified their findings to his parents, which made them worried for their son. Not knowing at such a young age, his parents had set him up with a few doctors to properly diagnose his mental disabilities and even a few therapy sessions with other kids who were similar to him. Even with this, he had made a few valuable friends along the way.

This paragraph doesn't help to clarify things. I'm unsure what you mean by "not knowing at such a young age." Second, you use the word "disabilities," which I'm not sure is the correct term to describe what you mean. If Rikario is on the spectrum, the proper medical phrase would be a neurodevelopmental disorder rather than a mental disability. Third, you use "disabilities" as a plural form; we've only thus far learned that Rikario may be on the spectrum. Does he have any other disorders (ie. ADHD)?

At the start of Middle School, he had to move out to San Jose, California due to his mother’s line of work.

You don't need to capitalize "middle school." Second, there should be a comma after "California."

At the start of middle school, he had to move out to San Jose, California, due to his mother’s line of work.

Although saddened by the sudden move, he was still able to be in contact with his old friends by using CR.

I'd simplify "was still able to be in contact with" to "could still contact," as the original wording of this sentence is messy and hard to parse. I'd also cut the "by" in "by using CR."

Although saddened by the sudden move, he could still contact his old friends using CR.

It was also around this time that he fully grasped the idea of his autism.

What caused him to learn about his being autistic? Did his parents inform him of a prior diagnosis? Did he overhear them discuss it? This question ties into my previous question about his not knowing his condition beforehand. How did he react to this discovery? Did it affect how he viewed his parents? His teachers? Himself? Had he started to figure it out beforehand, or was this a sudden and unexpected revelation?

He somehow felt out of place with his classmates knowing that he was getting extra help and getting "special" treatment with his teachers.

What do you mean by "'special' treatment"? Was Rikario enrolled in special education? Did he (or does he now) have an individualized education plan (IEP)? What kind of "extra help" did he receive as a result?

Even so, his friends, both in and out of CR, still treated him as if he was normal.

The idea of Rikario being "not normal" isn't necessarily accurate. He may perceive himself as "not normal," but from the information I'm getting, his condition is not uncommon. Autism is not an unusual disorder and affects a great deal of people in a variety of ways. From what I can tell, about 2.2% of the U.S. population is on the autism spectrum to some degree or another. Is there any particular reason he views himself as "abnormal"?

His parents were happy that he had found joy with his friends, even if they were in virtual reality.

For clarification, there's a big difference between "Virtual Reality" and "Cyber Reality." They're two distinct technologies in the universe of SOTF: Cyber and it would be difficult for characters to conflate or confuse them due to the latter's ubiquity. I assume you mean Cyber Reality by the previous mentions in the profile, so you should change this to reflect that.

But with the start of high school, something changed in Rikario. He and his family didn’t know what, but something just changed.

These two sentences, while an effective use of repetition in a literary sense, are redundant for a profile, which is to compile information. I would combine them into one sentence:

But at the start of high school, something changed in Rikario, although neither he nor his family knew exactly what.

He became more reclusive and strayed away from any kind of social group. Slowly and surely his friends began to stray away to their own lives while he remained alone. It had even started to take a toll on his sleeping, as he began to sleep later than before.

First, I'd like to commend you on the fact that Rikario's depression symptoms are very accurate. As someone who currently struggles with—and has struggled with for almost all my life—severe depressive tendencies, I feel that you did well at portraying these sorts of feelings (and their natural consequences) realistically and respectfully.

Second, I'd recommend you clean up the wording here to make these sentences clear and more impactful as a cohesive statement.

He became more reclusive and strayed away from social interactions. As a result, slowly but surely, he drifted away from his friends and ended up alone. It also began to take a toll on his sleep, and he struggled to rest at night.

Mataias and Grey slowly started to notice him not being his usual self and became worried about his depressive state. When Aayaan and Caitlan were told about Rikario's depression, they sought help immediately. They went to a therapist to try to determine the reasoning behind his current mood, but unfortunately, Rikario was reluctant. They tried to get him into his hobbies again, but it didn't bring him the same happiness that it used to. They even considered medications, but quickly rejected the idea.

So, I'm a little curious about this. I think the details about Rikario's family noticing his depression are true to life and make a lot of sense, but I'd like to know more about why Rikario is reluctant to try therapy. In addition, why was the idea of medication rejected? Did Rikario resist the idea, or did his parents? In addition, how deep is his depression? Does it affect his ability to function in his day-to-day life? How aware of it is he?

During this time, a little light began to show when Rikario found a box of his parent's old treasures.

First, I feel this should be the start of a new paragraph. The jump from Rikario's depression to his discovery of the arts is jarring currently. Second, "a little light began to show" is a tad informal for a profile. Third, why did this discovery affect Rikario so drastically? He seems to go from severely depressed to fine again quickly; is there a particular reason why? Was the root cause of his depression addressed?

With this new happiness and on the brink of graduation, he is now dead set on his goal of continuing his path in the arts with film and music. He goes on to follow his dreams by looking into different colleges that carry his major and even exploring an internship working in a movie theater.

You mentioned earlier in his profile that Rikario is envious of his brothers for having more set courses for their lives than him. But, as portrayed here, it seems like he has a pretty good understanding of what he wants to do with his life. Why is he still envious of his brothers (especially Gray)?

In addition, I'd like to ask some more questions. What are Rikario's current grades? Is there any particular college he wants to attend? What's his intended major? Does he have an internship currently, or does he merely intend to get one in the future? Also, most movie theaters don't have "internships"—they'd likely hire Rikario outright as a part-time worker instead. You haven't, until now, noted that Rikario is interested in movies. Is he? If not, wouldn't something like a record store make more sense for him (considering he's into vinyl)? If you're intent on film as an interest of his, you should list it as such.

Personality: He's calm, friendly, and helpful.

There's an extra space between "Personality:" and "He's." Please fix it.

He used to be cheery and energetic but was suddenly reduced to being shy and depressed.

Is he currently depressed or not? In the profile, he seems to alternate between being okay and depressed; I'd prefer if you stick to either him being in the midst of depression or recovering from it. As it stands, it's hard to get a read on his progress currently, which lessens its impact.

With him on the spectrum, there are moments when he rarely speaks or doesn't pay attention to anything. He does believe that his social disability is just a disability, even though it doesn't affect him at all.

There are two contradictory statements here. Does Rikario being on the spectrum affect him or not?

Another weakness is that his teachers say that he has true potential, but refuses to show it to them because he worries that he'll fail when he tries. Moreover, he's just lazy. But through this laziness, he can show what his intelligence can do.

This area is both informal and very unclear. Is Rikario unable to show his potential due to his underlying anxieties about failure, or is he intelligent but simply lazy? Which one? It feels like the profile is giving me two contradictory answers at once. If both are true, please explain the dichotomy between these two qualities of his. As it stands, they feel like opposites. Last, that final sentence is not necessary and is too informal.

Reputation: Rikario would think he's invisible to all of his classmates.

Like with the "Personality" section, there's an extra space here.

Rikario would think he's invisible to all of his classmates. However, everyone views him to be normal like everyone else.

Why does he consider himself "invisible"? If it's not true, for the record, it shouldn't be in his reputation (unless it is an untrue thing that others believe ie. a false rumor). That feels more like an aspect of his personality.

He doesn't have any close friends, nor does he try to make new ones.

Did he ever reconnect with his old friends (the ones he became estranged from his depression)? If not, you should elaborate on how that affects him.

Some of his classmates would sometimes admire his sense of style or his knowledge of nostalgia.

What do you mean by "knowledge of nostalgia"?

One strange fact from his teachers is that even though he rarely pays attention in class, he still receives outstanding grades. For example, one instance showed that he barely studied for an upcoming history exam. But after less than an hour of looking through his notes, he aced it with perfect scores.

Noting it as "one strange fact" is a little informal. Second, is this part of Rikario's reputation or merely a statement about him? If the latter, it should get discussed alongside his grades in the background section.

Alright. That seems like a lot, but I hope it doesn't discourage you. I think you've done well with Rikario and his profile overall, especially regarding aspects of his mental health and depression, which feel all at once realistic, relatable, and respectful. That said, the biggest issue with the profile is clarity; as soon as that's fixed, I don't see much to object to. I'm confident you can get this all righted, and I'm excited to see what Rikario looks like afterwards. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about this critique, you can message me on Discord, where I use the same handle as on the site.

[FlockOfHens]

New edits made.

[Dogs231]

Hello again, FlockOfHens! Rikario's looking better. Nonetheless, there are still some issues I'd like for you to address—most of them relate to inconsistent information and occasional contradictions in his profile.

He has two brothers: Matias Dalton, 2 years his senior, a high-school graduate, and Gray Dalton, 1 year his junior, a junior at Sycamore High School. Rikario sometimes gets envious of his brothers because Mataias is already working his way through college as a business major, and Grey already has plans for his future after high school.

We've still got some issues here.

One: I would prefer that, instead of using numbers in phrases like "2 years" and "1 year," you use their written form (ie. "two years" and "one year"). This issue is a minor detail—which I would not otherwise bother to hold you back for on its own—but since there are some other issues, I decided to note it as I go through the rest of the details with you.

Two: There is still some inconsistency in the names. You refer to the older brother in different circumstances as "Matias" and "Mataias" and the younger brother as "Gray" or "Grey." Please keep to a single, consistent spelling for the two of them—I recommend you go through each of the mentions of their names with a CTRL-F search and make them all match.

Rikario didn't see anything different about himself, but his teachers noticed him on the spectrum, much to his dismay in the future.

So, I'm still a little confused about this. Perhaps a better way to word this would be:

Rikario didn't see anything different about himself, but his teachers began to suspect that he may have been on the spectrum, something that would contribute to his future dismay.

Unknown to his parents, Rikario was fully aware of his depression.

I would change "unknown" to "unbeknownst."

Unbeknownst to his parents, Rikario was fully aware of his depression.

During this time, Rikario finally found inspiration for his future plans when he found a box of his p old treasures.

There's a typo here that wasn't present in the last go-round.

During this time, Rikario finally found inspiration for his future plans when he found a box of his parents' old treasures.

His friends and teachers had now looked up to him to be very intelligent with his grades showing true potential for his goals. With this new goal in mind and on the brink of graduation, he is now dead set on his goal of continuing his path in the arts with film and music.

I am still uncertain about the sudden change in Rikario's behavior. I think it makes sense that having a new goal would revitalize him in a way, but would he not still struggle with areas not directly related to his interests? For example, his grades outside of music-related classes—does he still have issues with them due to his depression? Does he put a lot of effort into overcoming that struggle? Just a few questions to get more detail.

In addition, this still conflicts with the note earlier in the profile that Rikario feels envious of his brothers for their progress toward their goals and resolve. He seems just as dedicated to his chosen path as they are to their own—why, then, is he still envious of them? Does he feel self-conscious about his chosen field? I want to be sure we hammer out this seeming contradiction between parts of the profile before we approve it.

He goes on to follow his dreams by looking into different colleges that carry his major and even gaining a part-time job working in a vinyl store. His family, especially his brothers, had seemed skeptical that it wasn't the right path for him, but Rikario wanted to show him that he could do it.

The phrasing here is odd. "He goes on" probably isn't the right way to begin this sentence; as a general rule of thumb, profiles—like the rest of the writing we do here (with some exceptions)—are treated in the past tense (think Star Wars, set "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...."). As we can infer these events take place earlier than the SOTF: Cyber's version proper, you should use the past tense. Something like this:

He goes on to follow his dreams by looking into different colleges that carry his major and even gaining a part-time job working in a vinyl store.

He pursued this dream by searching for a college that catered to his major and even got a part-time job working at a local record store.

In addition, what causes his family to be skeptical about his chosen path? Rikario seems to have a passion for music, and given that his dedication to it helped to revitalize him (as mentioned earlier), it feels like a natural field for him to pursue. It feels odd for them to second-guess his decision now, especially given how supportive they were towards him in general. Is there any reason for it? Do they worry about his job prospects? Do they feel that his passion for music and records is just a phase of his?

He's calm, shy, friendly, and helpful.

This list is a gamut of traits that are all separate but presented to us in one go. Could you space them out a little and elaborate on them? It would help paint a better picture of Rikario and give us some juicy details we want to see in a character. He's interesting! I want to know more!

Rikario would think he's an annoyance to all of his classmates. However, his classmates treat him normally like everyone else.

I still don't feel as though this fits right. A better way to convey this is to say that Rikario is sensitive to others' expectations, is self-conscious, or has issues with his self-esteem (or some combination thereof). Saying that he believes himself to be "an annoyance" but then contradicting it doesn't tell us much about him; saying that he's self-conscious and has low self-esteem tells us a lot more.

With him on the spectrum, there are moments when he rarely speaks or doesn't pay attention to anything.

The phrasing here is a little odd. Also, Rikario's issues with paying attention seem to derive more from ADHD than from his autism. I'd turn this sentence into two sentences and explain why he rarely speaks or what he does when he's spacing out and not paying attention.

He still believes that he isn't on the spectrum, even though it affects him socially.

This sentence contradicts some parts earlier in the profile, where you mention that he "fully grasped the idea" and "the truth of it slowly dawned on him." Could you elaborate more on this belief of his in the background? For example, why does he hold this belief? Is it something he genuinely believes, or is he in denial? Does he feel ashamed of his being on the spectrum?

Another weakness is that his teachers say that he has true potential, but refuses to show it to them because he worries that he'll fail when he tries. Moreover, his depression gets in the way of his confidence to try. Rikario thinks that his depression roots from either overworking himself to avoid being a failure in his class, his autism bringing a burden to his family, or the fact that he's just tired of aiming towards success that he feels non-existent. He doesn't know the true cause, nor does he want to.

I think you could word this paragraph much better. Currently, the meaning is a little muddy, and while I can parse most of it, there are ways to say the same thing in a much more cohesive way. I would change each sentence here to make its meaning clear. Here are some examples:

Another weakness is that his teachers say that he has true potential, but refuses to show it to them because he worries that he'll fail when he tries.

Others believe that he has potential, but he doubts that assessment and repeatedly declines to commit himself; he worries that were he to put his effort in, he would not meet their expectations.

Moreover, his depression gets in the way of his confidence to try.

In addition, his depression hampers his confidence in himself.

In addition, I'm confused about Rikario's knowledge about his depression. You say different things at different points in your profile. Here are the three main statements that contradict one another:

But with the start of high school, something changed in Rikario, although neither he nor his family knew exactly what.

Unknown to his parents, Rikario was fully aware of his depression. He knows that it's there and it is tearing him away from his social life, but for some reason, he doesn't bother trying to fight it.

Rikario thinks that his depression roots from either overworking himself to avoid being a failure in his class, his autism bringing a burden to his family, or the fact that he's just tired of aiming towards success that he feels non-existent. He doesn't know the true cause, nor does he want to.

These explanations are mutually exclusive. Does Rikario know why he feels this way, or doesn't he? Does he want to understand the cause, or doesn't he? What is the 'true cause', for that matter? You suggest a few reasons but then contradict them immediately. These contradictions are the main sticking point and problem in a profile that, otherwise, is good.

Rikario is often referred to as the "quiet kid" in class.

This description is a little prescriptive. We try not to tell others how they should feel or refer to our characters in a profile. A better and less prescriptive way to describe this would be to say something like:

Rikario has a reputation for being rather quiet.

Some of his classmates would sometimes admire his sense of style or his knowledge of nostalgia.

I still don't understand what you mean by "knowledge of nostalgia." Please explain.

Although he tried to reconnect with his old friends, he feared that they would no longer like him or have any interest in talking to him.

This statement should probably go in the biography (as his friends are online, not people he knows in person). That said, why did he have those fears? Did those fears come true? You say he "tried to reconnect"—did that attempt succeed or fail? I want to know more about this fact.

Even when he receives outstanding grades, his teachers find it a problem that he doesn't pay attention to the lessons given.

I'm still confused about Rikario's grades. See earlier questions about why.

Alright. That should be it for now! Once you get the contradictions and other issues squared away, Rikario should be nearing approval. Don't get discouraged, and keep up the work! We're getting closer to approval.

[FlockOfHens]

Edited again, should be ok.

[Dogs231]

Hello again! Rikario's looking great. As it stands right now, we're in the final stretch. Almost all of my issues with this profile are grammatical quibbles, with some minor changes and cuts for clarity. After that, I think he'll be ready for our little game! I appreciate the patience you've shown.

Just thinking about how his two brothers are already striving for their own goals makes Rikario insecure that he would be stuck behind their shadows.

I'm still left confused by this. Rikario now has plans for the future that he is striving for—searching for a college with his preferred major and taking a job in his field of interest—so I'd like to see you change or cut this.

His parents encourage him to look into jobs that appeal to him, but he does not know what to do.

Since he's got a job at a record store, this isn't relevant anymore. I'd cut it.

[...] it had not only started to affect his own learning, causing his grades to slowly plummet during his senior year, it also began to take a toll on his sleep [...]

The "own" in "his own" is redundant here. In addition, there should be a "but" to connect the two topics ("but it also" instead of "it also").

[...] it had not only started to affect his learning, causing his grades to slowly plummet during his senior year, but it also began to take a toll on his sleep [...]

During this time, Rikario finally found inspiration for his future plans when he found a box of his parents' old treasures.

The words "future" and "plans" are redundant when paired together right after one another. I would choose one of them and cut the other.

[...] and he even made efforts to fix his grades to show true potential of his goals.

There's a missing 'the' here before the phrase "true potential."

[...] and he even made efforts to fix his grades to show the true potential of his goals.

His family, especially his brothers, had seemed concerned that this phase would be troubling to support him in for future jobs.

I'm not quite clear on what you mean by this sentence—I think I've got an understanding of the ideas you're trying to convey, but the wording's a little hard to parse. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel the intent is to simultaneously portray the two ideas I pointed out in the last critique ("Do they worry about his job prospects? Do they feel that his passion for music and records is just a phase of his?"). That said, if so, I'd split this into two sentences, one for each of the two questions being asked.

Something along these lines:

His family members are a little concerned about his plans for the future, believing that it may simply be a passing phase. In addition, they feel as though the unprofitability of his chosen career will mean they will have to support him financially.

That said, if my interpretation is incorrect, feel free to message me! I'm more than happy to hear critiques on my critiques (any feedback will go towards making my work better for future character critiques).

Rikario himself had also felt self-conscious about his path not as perfect as his siblings', but he wanted to show them that he could do it.

I'd change this sentence a little bit to fix it up. The word "being" should precede the phrase "as perfect." I would also cut the second half of the sentence off and make it a separate sentence to heighten its effect.

Something like this:

Rikario himself had also felt self-conscious about his path not being as perfect as his siblings'. Nonetheless, he wants to prove that he can do it.

Personality: Even with his depression affecting his sociability, he stil makes an effort to be friendly around others.

There's a typo here. "Stil" should be "still."

Personality: Even with his depression affecting his sociability, he still makes an effort to be friendly around others.

Rikario would think he's an annoyance to all of his classmates. In reality, his thoughts make him nervous and shy of how others view him.

As I said before, I'm not a huge fan of the first phrase. I still don't feel as though it fits the intention you seem to have. I would word it more neutrally and objectively. For example, here's one way to word it:

Rikario, due to his depressive thoughts, has low self-esteem, which makes him self-conscious and sensitive to the expectations of others.

However, a few of his classmates would note how he would sometimes be helpful to them on a few group assignments or homework questions.

This should be in his reputation unless you're using it to support an aspect of his personality.

To give an example of the difference, something like this would be a personality trait:

John Doe is kind, which shows in the fact that he helps others with his homework.

And something like this would be part of someone's reputation:

John Doe is known among his classmates for helping out with others' homework.

The difference is that the first example demonstrates a character trait (being kind) by using an example (him helping with homework for others).

The second example demonstrates his reputation (helping with homework for others) by attesting to the word of someone else (his classmates).

Because of his ADHD, there are moments where he would space out by staring off into the distance.

I think the wording here's a little clunky. I get the intention, but you could make it a little more clear:

Because of his ADHD, there are moments when Rikario will space out, staring into the distance while lost in thought.

Rikario thinks that his depression roots from his autism bringing a burden to his family, and that he tries overworking himself to avoid being a failure to them.

I think the idea you're going for here (his fears about being a burden for his family due to something outside of his control) is neat and fits well with his characterization. I find it interesting and realistic! That said, the wording's a little clunky and could use some touching up. Once again, I'd also recommend you chop the sentence in half. Here's an example:

Rikario thinks that the root cause of his depression is his worries that, due to his autism, he will be a burden to his family and disappoint them. As a result, he overworks himself, feeling the need to prove he isn't a failure.

He doesn't want to try and dig deeper to this idea, beliving that it would cause him more pain.

The wording here is also clunky, and there's a typo. Here's how I'd word it:

He doesn't want to dig deeper into the idea than he has already, as he feels dwelling on it will only bring him more pain.

That's all for now!

[FlockOfHens]

Let's make this final stretch!!!

[Dogs231]

Welcome to SOTF: Cyber.

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