A Protest Against Despair

[Carrion Queen]

Suddenly the feeling was gone and Alan was instead talking to no one.

Ximena could at least infer that Austin (ah, his name was Austin) was now talking to Alan the way he'd been talking to her. She looked at the scene, confused and saddened. Wasn't it a half-remembered feeling that Austin had given her that led her to trust Alan? It wasn't a good trait, but she was sometimes judgmental and had considered writing him off when he'd come out from the desert.

But based on the conversation she and Alan had not moments ago, she could make perhaps an inference as to what some of the issue was. The strange feeling was back and she was looking with both sets of eyes. Ximena had been looking at a furious Alan, but now that she had her guest back, she thought maybe it would be better for both to look elsewhere. She stood up, holding Raja's jacket and looked down at that instead.

"No... I'm sorry," she said to both.

"I'm glad to have met you," she said to both, her hands curling around the fabric of the jacket. Though, you could say she was of two minds about it.

Ximena felt a desperate hope and a desire to go find Austin because it wasn't in her nature to leave a friend who was in need. But she couldn't. Though they had only really become acquainted the previous morning, Alan was someone she had to consider now because that's just sort of how she was, in the worst way. And, selfishly, if she wanted even the slim shot of survival, she had to stay with him.

"Stay out of trouble," she half-whispered.

[Catche Jagger]

Alan felt Austin’s presence leave him and groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he tried to steady his breathing. Why the fuck couldn’t that motherfucker just stay away from him?

Gritting his teeth, he glanced over at Ximena to see her talking to Austin now, telling him to stay out of trouble. Of course, she probably didn’t know him like Alan did, and didn’t get that he was the trouble out here. However, if Austin was leaving, there was no reason to try to lay the whole thing out to her.

“And good fucking riddance.” Alan hissed, allowing just a bit of the frustration and sense of violation he felt to leak out in what would hopefully be a final farewell.

[almostinhuman]

Ximena made something in Austin shift. He'd never thought he'd get to meet her again, and after days of awful shit her kindness, even in such little doses, was something he wasn't prepared for. It felt special and wonderful and it hurt like hell and he didn't deserve it and it was way too fucking much for him right now. Where he'd once been numb she'd now left him feeling stunningly raw, and embarrassingly sensitive.

It made him sensitive, in particular, to a certain someone in the corner who couldn't keep his fucking voice down.

"Sure have plenty to say," he sniped back, fuming, "for someone who 'doesn't give a shit'."

[Catche Jagger]

“Jesus fucking shit! What the fuck?” Alan groaned as Austin returned to him, having apparently heard his parting remark.

“I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t give your little hugbox moment all the reverence it so clearly deserved.” Alan spoke through gritted teeth, a bitterness underpinning every word that didn’t seem worth concealing.

“So what now? Gotta get one last ego trip in? Make sure you get the last word?”

[almostinhuman]

Alan had struck a serious nerve. He was baiting him, Austin knew, and he knew the smart thing to do would be to drop it. But he was too touchy, too sensitive, not to grab the bait with earnest.

"Yeah, actually. Know it must be real fuckin' hard for you and all, but if you want me gone you should learn to shut your dipshit mouth."

[Catche Jagger]

“What? Am I not being considerate enough for you? You expecting me to kneel and bow my head for you, you fucking narcissistic little prick?” Alan his hands out, gesturing around himself.

“What the fuck is wrong with you that you’re still like this out here? Were me and Crispin just too mean to you and your pals at school? Or- or maybe you’re going even pettier than that. Who knows?”

[almostinhuman]

"Oh the incredible goddamn irony of Alan Melnyk calling someone else a narcissist. Please. You've never loved anything more than yourself. Your a fake fucking bitch who detaches from anything that dares get too hard or complicated."

Shit was boiling over. Getting into this argument wasn't smart, and it wasn't likely to lead anywhere good. But Austin was tired, dead tired, of bottling shit up and letting Alan get away with hurting him. He wanted him to answer for something, just fucking once.

He paused for a moment, then continued.

"And last I checked, your bullshit didn't end at school. You motherfuckers brought all your garbage into my fucking home. Into my fucking family."

[Catche Jagger]

Alan was very still for a moment, silent as Austin’s words sunk in. Him simply turning around the narcissist thing was frustrating, because Austin had no fucking clue what Alan had gone through trying to hold his gang together out here, but such feelings were quickly overshadowed by what came next.

“Your fucking- your fucking family? Are you pissy about us being friends with Jenelle? That she was friends with people you didn’t like? You- you controlling, condescending little shit!”

Alan was shouting once again, too furious to remind himself to reel it back.

“Is that why you fucking lied to her? Is that why you fucking lied to turn her on us? Fucking- you know, I thought it was you trying to get even with Crispin, to get somebody else to do your dirty work. Some fucking bullshit revenge. But I was thinking too big! You’d really just cut her off from her friends over petty bullshit from school!”

“So, don’t you fucking dare try to lecture me! You’re a fucking worm and everything, everything you’ve done proves that. You ain’t a nice guy, you ain’t even a bastard, you’re just fucking pathetic.” Alan spat.

[almostinhuman]

Austin was silent.

Alan throwing Jenelle in his face again should have infuriated him, made him yell even more, but it didn't. His anger waned, the ache of her death renewed and blossoming to replace it. Every little reminder of her undid him, but this kind of a reminder, this accusation, was an especially painful one. He wasn't sure if Alan realized how disarming it would be.

He wanted to defend himself. Alan had, after all, ensured their shit stayed plenty petty and personal, too. It didn't seem fair that only Austin ever had to answer for it. Alan had robbed him at the start of all this. He'd turned Austin's home into a space meant more for himself and his buddies than a place Austin felt welcome in. He'd contributed to Austin and Jenelle's relationship worsening and encouraged a lot of Jenelle's crueler behavior. He'd broken his heart and dismissed his heartache, like Austin had meant nothing to him. It didn't matter if he knew he'd done all this, if he understood how much he'd hurt Austin. Harm inflicted was harm inflicted, regardless of if it was on purpose or not.

But Austin's fury at it was absent, now. It was all so very petty, and pathetic, and the fact he was still so mired in it while they were here, in this miserable shit, made him feel just as worthless as Alan painted him to be. Perhaps he'd never been right to be angry about it, even. He'd smashed a window in Alan's house that day they broke it off. He'd gotten just as petty and personal in their arguments, been just as prone to shitty remarks and stupid escalations. And of the two of them, only Austin had tried to kill anybody; that that somebody was Alan's best friend only made it worse. If he wanted to hold Alan responsible for hurting him, he had to do the same for himself, and he couldn't really say he was any better. If anything, he was probably the worse of the pair.

He sat there, wallowing in this pain, this guilt. He couldn't really do much anything else.

[Carrion Queen]

Ximena felt Austin leave again and nearly stumbled forward. Her right hand opened on reflex as if to say “Wait!” when someone starts to walk away.

Suddenly Alan began spitting venom. At first she thought Alan was talking to her until he mentioned something about an ego trip, which was when she realized Austin must have gone back. She knew by the time that he was asking the air if it expected him to kneel and scrape that his words weren’t directed her, but it was hard not to feel like they were since there wasn’t anyone else around. When she finally moved towards the boy, he was screaming.

It was getting late. She was starting to feel the fear of her decision now for the first time and watching this fight made her feel helpless, like she felt when she couldn’t save Raja, like when she arrived too late for Dave and Emily.

The fire in Alan’s eyes was so fierce she wouldn’t be surprised if she could feel the heat coming off him.

“Champ? Sport?” she said quietly, stepping towards him. “My time’s up.” She wore an imploring look mixed with apprehension.

I die at sunset, and this is my last memory. If they want us to finish this, it’ll have to be in hell.

[Catche Jagger]

Alan’s whole body tensed as Ximena’s voice cut through a lull in the argument. Though she did not speak loudly, her voice still carried him and he carefully turned to look at her.

His expression displayed a fair bit of frustration, some sadness, and a bit of embarrassment. Ximena’s interruption served to remind Alan that he was screaming into the air at somebody that would only ever listen so much.

He hated Austin and at this point, he’d probably never be able to stop hating Austin. But now, especially with what was going to happen here soon, getting into it with Austin was just another fucking waste.

“Yeah,” he muttered in a quiet voice, only slowly returning his gaze properly to Ximena after another moment, “yeah, you’re right.”

[almostinhuman]

Ximena's voice dragged him back into awareness. His guilt doubled, exposing her to this, rendering her opinion of the both of them lower with this petty feuding, this airing of dirty laundry. It wasn't right. She didn't deserve to have to deal with this shit, when things were already so difficult.

Still, his hurt cooled a bit. Ximena had that affect on him; being with her was a remarkable balm, and he always hoped he'd proven to be that for her in turn. He wished he could be there for her now, though he feared she wouldn't want him back in her head after this. It wouldn't be an unreasonable feeling.

He stayed quiet for now. He could feel the anger draining from Alan just as it had from Austin a moment ago. He didn't want to do anything that could kick the fighting into gear again, but he also felt he couldn't just leave. Austin, at least, had just a little more to say.

[Carrion Queen]

Ximena slipped on Raja's jacket.

"Maybe I'm not helping at all."

She looked at the guy, who had turned pink from shouting, then turned her gaze to her shoes and clicked them together. If this was one of her other friends she'd squeeze his hand or give him a hug or a kiss on the cheek. But she'd spent the better part of two days or so in his company, which was enough to get at least a crash course on a person. She figured she'd split the difference between her way and his, and maybe get both at once if Austin was still up there.

Ximena opened her right hand and kissed her palm. Then she balled it into a fist, leaned back a little, and punched Alan in the arm.

"Buck up, dork. I ain't got all day," she said with a cheerful, slightly wobbly voice that was choked with emotion.

[Catche Jagger]

Alan gave a short laugh at Ximena’s little gesture. She was definitely a bit odd, but so was Alan, in his way.

He did, in turn, feel a little bad for airing this dirty laundry out in front of her. Alan had gotten frustrated at her struggling to keep a lid on her personal shit and here he was ripping into an ex.

Still, the lull in aggression and calming of nerves hadn’t simply cured what he felt about Austin, not after the attempted murder and the lies and the memory of having to have Austin stuck in his head when he was at his fucking lowest. But… Alan could keep a lid on it. He’d be polite and get through this.

There was other shit to deal with.

“Nah, you’re helping. I, uh, think I got this.” Alan shrugged, trying to be reassuring, though he still couldn’t tell what Austin might do. Alan turned his head away from Ximena then, to make sure she knew his next words were for the one in his head.

“Anything else you need to say?” He asked, his voice quiet and steady.

[almostinhuman]

He knew what he needed to say here. What he needed to make sure Alan knew. What he needed Alan to promise him.

"Do right by Ximena. She... she's good. Better than..."

You, he nearly said. Me, which nearly followed. But there was no need to sully the moment with that kind of talk.

"She's good. That's all."