My Invisible Tears Are Full Of Sorrow Birds And Shattered Glass

[Primrosette]

((Kaine Griffin continued from What Remains of Cyrus Vähi))

He had stayed at the flatlands for some reason. He didn't know why. Maybe he just didn't have the courage yet to just leave and find his friends. He couldn't just give up. ...Or could he? He didn't really have to do anything. He could just take the shard of glass and slit his own throat or he cut up at his wrists or arms. He could do any of that if he was really willing to. Just bleed out on the ground without a care in the world.

But Kaine wasn't.

Too selfish, too selfish, too selfish.

He was staring down at Toma's hat that was resting on his lap and he honestly didn't know how long he had been staring at it for.

He felt lost and all out of tears.

He didn't want to move yet.

[almostinhuman]

((Austin Greene continued from call the police))

There he was. Kaine.

...

He felt awful. Drained. It wasn't hard to guess why. How long had he been out here, alone with his grief? Austin could relate all too well to it.

Should he even reach out to Kaine? Would having him around make it worse, somehow? What could Austin even do for him?

...

"Kaine."

He hoped simply being there for him was enough.

[Primrosette]

Kaine felt himself taking a sharp intake of breath. Hearing Austin in his head gave him a tiny wave of comfort in a weird way. He felt himself looking up a bit at his surroundings and he moved his hand to lightly tap at the top of the hat. He knew that Austin had lost Jenelle and he didn't even know what he could say. There wasn't anything that he could do about that. Losing a sibling, even if she hadn't been the nicer person ever, was such a terrible loss.

Kaine knew that felt. Even if it wasn't Sherrie, Vinnie or Connie. Just losing Toma in the blink of an eye....

How could he cope with it?

"Austin...." His voice sounded croaky and wheezy. His injury from Crispin was still hurting like a son of a bitch.

He cleared his throat slightly.

"I.... He died because of me..."

[almostinhuman]

Austin struggled to find words for Kaine. He held little personal grief for Toma, knowing him only through Kaine and being more than a little jealous of him. Still, Toma was hard to hate, even if it hadn't stopped Austin from trying; from what few real encounters they'd had it was clear he was a remarkably sweet dude. Austin could see why Kaine loved him so much, and why he was probably a better boyfriend than Austin would've been. When Toma came up on the announcements, Austin wasn't too bereaved for his own sake, but he knew just how badly this would hurt Kaine.

"I... I'm sorry, Kaine."

From what he'd said, there was more to Toma's death that just "tumbling out of bounds". Austin wouldn't pry, though. Regardless of why Kaine blamed himself, it couldn't possibly be his fault.

"It's not on you, though. Whatever went down, you couldn't have meant for that to happen."

[Primrosette]

Kaine closed his eyes tightly for a few seconds as he never wanted to hear Austin apologizing to him and it made it all feel too real. As much as Kaine wanted to pretend that none of this was real... He wasn't dreaming or having a nightmare. All the pain and grief that he was feeling right now.... He wanted to make it disappear. Not just like being invisible. There were many times he had wanted to be empty and full of nothingness. He had always pretended that he was okay for other people and now he realized that had been so selfish of him. Hiding his negative feelings had been wrong. Hell, it was one thing that had resulted in him having a silly fight with Toma before they stepped on the bus for the trip.

...He never got a chance to apologize for how insecure and lonely he had felt in their relationship.

"....Austin. I never got a chance to..." He trailed off and he let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry.... I'm so, so sorry about Jenelle. I'm sorry that I can't do anything to comfort you. Just being in pain like this. It really hurts so much..."

He could feel his eyes blurring with tears once more. Where were they coming from? He felt so pathetic. He never wanted Austin to witness this.

"I.... I'm just glad to hear your voice."

He sniffled.

[almostinhuman]

Silence hung between them for a moment.

"... I wish I could do more."

Those words could mean many things, and Austin meant all of them.

"Do you, uh... me and Noah are nearby, I think. Hard to tell exactly where we all are, but..."

Another pause.

"Do you want us to find you?"

It might be better for Kaine to find them, given how hard it was for Austin to move. But he wouldn't ask that of him; Austin could take the pain if he had to. Kaine was worth that much. He was worth far more than he knew.

[Primrosette]

Kaine knew. He knew what Austin meant by those words. It hurt that he never had the courage to tell Austin how he felt about him all those years ago and then he fell in love with Toma at first sight (and admired Kennedy from a distance). During his relationship with Toma, Kaine knew. It didn't take him long to figure it by observing how Austin reacted whenever Toma popped up to take him away on dates, hold his hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. But Austin didn't know that he knew.

Noah. Oh god. Sayuna... Kaine remembered now.

"I'll come to you two. It'll take a while, but I'll find you. I promise..."

Kaine suddenly felt a warmth in his heart and he smiled slightly when Austin seemed to want to come for him. But then he remembered something else, frowning a little.

"I know that Crispin hurt you..."

He huffed, hissing slightly as it hurt his chest.

"I threw a metal chair at that fucker. Made my day. Heh...."

He moved Toma's hat up and he placed it on top of his head again, blinking back the tears to focus better on everything.

"Oh. And Austin...?"

[almostinhuman]

So he'd failed to shelter either Jenelle or Kaine from Crispin, it seemed. Of course he had. Not like he'd done anything right before all this mess, so why start now?

Kaine's last words would've frozen Austin's heart, if his own heart was here for freezing. He had a sinking feeling he knew what Kaine was about to say. In any other context, he'd be thrilled, but here, like this...

He wished he was right, but he hoped he was wrong.

"... yes?"

[Primrosette]

Just say it.

Just be honest.

"....I will always do anything for you." He couldn't do it correctly. Not right now. "You know that, right?"

[almostinhuman]

...

Well, it wasn't what he'd thought, or hoped, or feared.

How did he feel? Relieved? Heartbroken? Maybe both?

Mostly he felt foolish. Of course Kaine wasn't going to say that, you stupid gay dumbass. His boyfriend just fucking died and all you can think about is your pathetic little crush on him. Grow up.

"... I do. I..."

Crushed as he was, he was also touched. Kaine shouldn't care about him like this, but he did. Austin was needy and clingy and insufferable, but Kaine cared for him anyway. It was part of why he loved him.

"Thank you, Kaine."

[Primrosette]

Kaine felt himself smile about Austin's response. He wished that he had been more honest and open with him, but it felt too weird and too soon. He needed to act on talking about it in person.

"Heh."

He groaned with a struggle as he got up to his feet and he let out a strained breathe. God, his body was still doing a number on him.

"....Hey, Austin. Do... Do you want to stay with me for a while? I need to check on something before coming to you and Noah."

[almostinhuman]

"Yeah. Yeah of course."

He would have insisted, either way. He couldn't bring himself to leave Kaine again. Not until he knew he was safe(ish) with Noah.

((Austin Greene continued in DELICIOUS APE))

[Primrosette]

"Thank you." He really meant it and he was glad to not be on his own. He felt comfort and away from his loneliness.

And with that, the two boys were off.

((Kaine Griffin and Austin Greene continued elsewhere))