If It Were Me

[Spindarene]

((Amanda Brooks continued from It All Fades Away))

Amanda had lost track of how many times she’d paced back and forth across the same twenty foot span of the cruise ship deck. Around and around she walked, hearing herself screaming for Emmett to shut up, his harsh voice calling her a bitch, telling her that she was no good and that Seo-yun was going to get the ten kills because Amanda was so useless. She remembered the rage that had overtaken her, but the memory was dim, a small hazy light compared to the raging inferno it had been. But she could still feel the impact shock that had vibrated through her arms when she hit Emmett harder than she’d known she could hit anything, and sent him over the edge. Her arms tingled with the memory and she finally wrapped them around herself and stood over by the deck, looking out over the sea.

The announcements had just played, no more than half an hour ago. And Seo-yun had gotten the ten kills. She was going home. Just like Emmett said. Amanda couldn’t hear it then, but she was finally starting to accept the fact that she was useless. She had finally remembered to change her bandage that morning, but her wound had throbbed terribly and she was pretty sure that it was infected. That had been the most salient result of her attempt to get ten kills. She hadn’t even been able to kill the people she was aiming for, and the one person she had killed was someone she’d never meant to hurt.

For the first time in years, she fully realized how alone she was. Not just standing on that deck with no one in sight, but in her life. For as long as she could remember, she’d never felt close to anyone, and the thought hadn’t actually materialized until now, when it dawned on her that she was going to die and no one would miss her. And, for that matter, there was no one that she particularly missed, either. No one at home, none of her classmates, living or dead. That magnetic pull that she’d felt towards that nameless boy, that was gone now with a dull pain taking its place. He clearly hadn’t felt the same way about her, and while at the time she’d gotten all of these half-baked ideas of what a friendship with him could be like, after his death it occurred to her that she had actually known nothing about him. Her own words that she’d said to him echoed in her head now, cruelly mocking her. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be alone.

A sensation that was both numbing and excruciatingly painful spread throughout her torso, making her feel like she was simultaneously being buried and disappearing into thin air. Everything about her life, her very existence, even, was pointless. Her life was empty, she was nothing, and no one would miss her. Her death would leave as little impact as her everyday presence for eighteen years had. The only difference between life and death, really, was that death would cure the aching pain that she now acutely felt. She had always felt this pain, but she had tried to bury it so that she could survive. Now that survival wasn’t in the cards anymore, that pain was consuming her and she was helpless against it.

For a while she stood motionless, staring out at the sea. Then, slowly, shakily, she hoisted herself onto the railing and crouched there for a minute, steadying herself with one hand while her heart pounded. She could feel the sea rocking the cruise ship more intensely up here, and that added to the electrifying feeling that was spreading throughout her body. She was suddenly aware of every breath she was taking, the cold sharp sting of each inhale and the warm tickle of each exhale, the rise and fall of her chest that mirrored the movements of the ocean.

Finally, something inside her told her to let go of the railing. She obliged and stood up, feeling her body rock and sway with the sea. Then she jumped.

((Amanda Brooks DECEASED))