((Mary Cheung continued from I Was Young Not Too Long Ago))
Jewel wasn’t kidding. Just look at this place.
Have you ever seen those, like, urban exploration videos? Of abandoned places that just full-on hit that scary sweet spot? Not liminal spaces, of course, but full clutter and all sorts of nastiness? Now make it a boat that sways too rapidly, just for that disorientation, and dead bodies just chilling.
Maybe she was pre-emptive in getting her hopes up, and should have asked Jewel for more details?
It seemed it was more of a salvage mission than she realized.
She thought about ignoring the corpse on the floor, but, well, the thing about dead bodies is that they beg for your attention on-premise. She gently touched it with the oar. A bit of give. This was Abel Kuntz. She only remembered his name because she was immature, and would giggle a bit in her head each time she saw it. But she would stop when she mentally heard her dad’s voice shout ‘Mary!’ in that parental tone.
It was weird to look back on that now, she realized. Abel didn’t look so good, either.
Mary looked at the camera hiding in a corner, then downwards.
“Hey Leah? Abel’s here. He’s, uh, a bit of an eyesore, fair warning.”
All Cats Are Grey
"Eyesore?"
Leah's voice called out from a bit further away, closer to the door they entered from.
"I'm a little squeamish, sorry. One to ten, ten being the worst, how bad is the state of the body right now? Should we just throw him into the water, or do we have time to host something?"
Abel, Abel, Abel. Why some parents would name their children after the biblical first murder victim, she'd never know.
She hoped Abel's mom and dad won't have to watch him go all gross and bloated and soupy. Maybe, if she would find herself dying alone, she could pen a letter and hope somebody with the same conscience as her would read it and give her a water burial the way she wanted it. And then she'd pray that there aren't any drones following her as the fish chew her skin off.
For some reason, the thought of that seemed less and less likely now. It's not like she was confident, not really, but the blood on her hands had seen her perception of herself warp just a little bit. She's dangerous, now. She had a bigger role to play, and somebody by her side, and maybe, just maybe, she had an actual chance. Small, astronomical, laughably tiny chance.
Leah could say that the glass is half full and that she'd been luckier than most, being still alive in the latter half of this show. She could also say that it's half empty, and that it means her chances of dying are probably bigger and bigger now that she's on the announcements and there are less and less people to die instead of herself. One in 80 becomes one in 60 becomes one in 40, and more and more people that are alive have killed...
Math is kind of hard.
Maybe she should see it as the glass just being both half empty and full and tell herself to go on without counting her luck, but it's kind of too difficult at the moment for her to rationalize not rationalizing.
It made it easier to not think about what happens to these poor, corporate packaged kids that come out of this, anyways.
Leah's voice called out from a bit further away, closer to the door they entered from.
"I'm a little squeamish, sorry. One to ten, ten being the worst, how bad is the state of the body right now? Should we just throw him into the water, or do we have time to host something?"
Abel, Abel, Abel. Why some parents would name their children after the biblical first murder victim, she'd never know.
She hoped Abel's mom and dad won't have to watch him go all gross and bloated and soupy. Maybe, if she would find herself dying alone, she could pen a letter and hope somebody with the same conscience as her would read it and give her a water burial the way she wanted it. And then she'd pray that there aren't any drones following her as the fish chew her skin off.
For some reason, the thought of that seemed less and less likely now. It's not like she was confident, not really, but the blood on her hands had seen her perception of herself warp just a little bit. She's dangerous, now. She had a bigger role to play, and somebody by her side, and maybe, just maybe, she had an actual chance. Small, astronomical, laughably tiny chance.
Leah could say that the glass is half full and that she'd been luckier than most, being still alive in the latter half of this show. She could also say that it's half empty, and that it means her chances of dying are probably bigger and bigger now that she's on the announcements and there are less and less people to die instead of herself. One in 80 becomes one in 60 becomes one in 40, and more and more people that are alive have killed...
Math is kind of hard.
Maybe she should see it as the glass just being both half empty and full and tell herself to go on without counting her luck, but it's kind of too difficult at the moment for her to rationalize not rationalizing.
It made it easier to not think about what happens to these poor, corporate packaged kids that come out of this, anyways.
“Eyesore, as in… uh, he doesn’t look good. Looks like he was got in the face and chest, then he exploded? Kinda? My guess. I’d say he’s at least a… seven.”
To be fair, Mary didn’t have the most iron of stomachs, either. If anything, it reminded her of why she was a vegetarian. It was unsettling to see what was once a living, breathing creature reduced to what amounted to meat. It then reminded her of late-night searches. She tried to keep the bile down.
She wondered if his parents knew somehow when they picked out the name ‘Abel.’ That’d he be here, like this. Like, she’d snicker at his last name, sure, but she hadn’t put much thought into his first name, weirdly.
“You know what? I’m going to find a sheet to cover him with, or something. Then, we could, uh, maybe toss him in, maybe host something beforehand if you want?”
To be fair, Mary didn’t have the most iron of stomachs, either. If anything, it reminded her of why she was a vegetarian. It was unsettling to see what was once a living, breathing creature reduced to what amounted to meat. It then reminded her of late-night searches. She tried to keep the bile down.
She wondered if his parents knew somehow when they picked out the name ‘Abel.’ That’d he be here, like this. Like, she’d snicker at his last name, sure, but she hadn’t put much thought into his first name, weirdly.
“You know what? I’m going to find a sheet to cover him with, or something. Then, we could, uh, maybe toss him in, maybe host something beforehand if you want?”
''Yeah, uh, we can do that, but if you don't want to that's fine too. I can't say I knew him well enough to make his decisions.''
Oh, shoot, what if something she did was insulting? Like, with Giselle, what if she didn't want her body to be treated like that? Was that OK?
'Are there any good sheets here? Anything you wanted?''
Leah looked down at the mess around her- posters and figurines piling onto the floor. The urge to clean them was unmistakable and intense. A row of these post cards here, some plastic novelty cups right next to it, maybe sweep the floor a little bit... She didn't have the time, but it was work. It was something she could do- leave this place better than it was before. But then a big wave would come and they'd probably all topple to the floor again.
She swept her right leg, from inside to out, wiping away trash and debris from her path. She was ankle-deep in plastic junk and with the care she needed to step around it it was even worse than concrete.
''Did you... know him? Abel, I mean? Is he religious?''
Oh, shoot, what if something she did was insulting? Like, with Giselle, what if she didn't want her body to be treated like that? Was that OK?
'Are there any good sheets here? Anything you wanted?''
Leah looked down at the mess around her- posters and figurines piling onto the floor. The urge to clean them was unmistakable and intense. A row of these post cards here, some plastic novelty cups right next to it, maybe sweep the floor a little bit... She didn't have the time, but it was work. It was something she could do- leave this place better than it was before. But then a big wave would come and they'd probably all topple to the floor again.
She swept her right leg, from inside to out, wiping away trash and debris from her path. She was ankle-deep in plastic junk and with the care she needed to step around it it was even worse than concrete.
''Did you... know him? Abel, I mean? Is he religious?''
"Hm… honestly wouldn’t know. Like, I go to church, because of my folks, and, uh, I’ve never seen him there. He could have gone to other churches, though. He just wouldn’t be at Safe Harbors,” Mary said, as she rummaged around.
Mary pulled a box sitting on a pile closer to her with one hand, only to flinch when it fell, hitting the floor with a hearty THUD. She shrieked, and after a beat or two, after processing what happened, she spoke again.
“I’m fine, just clumsy!”
The box’s contents flooded out, and, among other things, there was a tarp. She had suspected that shade of blue might be something useful. Another breath.
“Anyways… uh, didn’t know Abel that well. I heard that he was difficult to deal with, sometimes. Kinda bossy.”
The idea of Abel harshly critiquing their way of managing his corpse, like some undead Gordon Ramsey, was a funny one. She giggled under her breath. The mental image helped manage the reality a little.
Mary set the oar down, grabbing the tarp by the corners.
“Alright Abel, uh, we’re gonna need your cooperation,” she said to the corpse.
The smell wasn’t great. He didn’t look great, either. Push some bile aside. And she draped the tarp over him. Then, she knelt down, adjusting it. Her body recoiled. She was certain that she brushed against his arm a little. He was cold, and already stiff from being gone for a while and he was… wet. She nudged the tarp under him, keeping it in place.
Mary stood up, feeling a new wave of nausea. Mary took a moment, focusing on her breathing.
“It’s fine now, I think. He’s covered up.”
Mary pulled a box sitting on a pile closer to her with one hand, only to flinch when it fell, hitting the floor with a hearty THUD. She shrieked, and after a beat or two, after processing what happened, she spoke again.
“I’m fine, just clumsy!”
The box’s contents flooded out, and, among other things, there was a tarp. She had suspected that shade of blue might be something useful. Another breath.
“Anyways… uh, didn’t know Abel that well. I heard that he was difficult to deal with, sometimes. Kinda bossy.”
The idea of Abel harshly critiquing their way of managing his corpse, like some undead Gordon Ramsey, was a funny one. She giggled under her breath. The mental image helped manage the reality a little.
Mary set the oar down, grabbing the tarp by the corners.
“Alright Abel, uh, we’re gonna need your cooperation,” she said to the corpse.
The smell wasn’t great. He didn’t look great, either. Push some bile aside. And she draped the tarp over him. Then, she knelt down, adjusting it. Her body recoiled. She was certain that she brushed against his arm a little. He was cold, and already stiff from being gone for a while and he was… wet. She nudged the tarp under him, keeping it in place.
Mary stood up, feeling a new wave of nausea. Mary took a moment, focusing on her breathing.
“It’s fine now, I think. He’s covered up.”
Oh, it sounded like Mary got, well, got into some trouble, but to be honest she couldn't blame Mary for being clumsy. They are all just teenagers running on adrenaline and fear and minimal amounts of nutrition.
"Huh. Well, let's not...
(uh, speak ill of the dead. No offense or anything)
"Let's not drag this out any longer than we have to, then."
Leah stepped closer to the corpse, looking down at the tarp, and knelt, her hand grabbing at the edge of the material.
"Thank you. For... for covering him up. I'm sorry to inconvenience you and all that."
Abel still kind of smelt like... well, like a corpse, but at least she wouldn't have to stare at him while she got rid of him. Or it. She wasn't sure which pronouns were more comfortable right now. She's never seen a dead body that's been dead for a long time. The rest always kind of looked like sleeping, or maybe unconscious, but either way they were still recognizable and fresh. But Abel would be soupy by now, bloated and leaking, and she wasn't sure if she could stand that.
One hand pinched her nose, another held on to the tarp.
"Huh. Well, let's not...
(uh, speak ill of the dead. No offense or anything)
"Let's not drag this out any longer than we have to, then."
Leah stepped closer to the corpse, looking down at the tarp, and knelt, her hand grabbing at the edge of the material.
"Thank you. For... for covering him up. I'm sorry to inconvenience you and all that."
Abel still kind of smelt like... well, like a corpse, but at least she wouldn't have to stare at him while she got rid of him. Or it. She wasn't sure which pronouns were more comfortable right now. She's never seen a dead body that's been dead for a long time. The rest always kind of looked like sleeping, or maybe unconscious, but either way they were still recognizable and fresh. But Abel would be soupy by now, bloated and leaking, and she wasn't sure if she could stand that.
One hand pinched her nose, another held on to the tarp.
“I mean, he’d been out for a while, so… still don’t blame you. I’m a vegetarian for a reason,” Mary laughed.
Again, it was a laugh that was an attempt to cope.
Another breath. Another noseful of corpse.
Mary knelt down.
“Do we want to say anything before…”
She trailed off. Mary turned her head to the side, towards the entrance. Frowned. Lowered her voice.
“Sorry, nervous.”
Again, it was a laugh that was an attempt to cope.
Another breath. Another noseful of corpse.
Mary knelt down.
“Do we want to say anything before…”
She trailed off. Mary turned her head to the side, towards the entrance. Frowned. Lowered her voice.
“Sorry, nervous.”
"It's fine. I mean, I think I'll go vegetarian after this, too."
She breathed through her nose, putting the other hand on the material, too. In and out and in and out.
"I just... I just want to say that he didn't deserve this."
...
"That's all."
In and out and in and out.
"Now... Three, two, one."
She breathed through her nose, putting the other hand on the material, too. In and out and in and out.
"I just... I just want to say that he didn't deserve this."
...
"That's all."
In and out and in and out.
"Now... Three, two, one."
Saying whether someone ‘deserved’ death or not was a funny concept. Not funny in that ‘ha-ha’ way, but weirder. What’s the measurement here? Obviously, people who went out of their way to be evil, you could make an argument for, but what about your mundane jerk? Did people like Emmett, or Marielle, or Laura, or even Junji deserve life? It was an odd concept, ranking who deserves what.
But in any case? Abel did not deserve, well, that. Like, he was going to die someday, like everyone else, but it was gory and looked painful. Definitely better ways to go out. She wondered what his last thoughts were.
One more breath.
And Mary took her end of the tarp. Lifted.
“You know, although I don’t know what he believed, maybe, wherever he is now, he’s no longer in pain? That’d be ideal. He’d be safe.”
She began pulling from her end.
But in any case? Abel did not deserve, well, that. Like, he was going to die someday, like everyone else, but it was gory and looked painful. Definitely better ways to go out. She wondered what his last thoughts were.
One more breath.
And Mary took her end of the tarp. Lifted.
“You know, although I don’t know what he believed, maybe, wherever he is now, he’s no longer in pain? That’d be ideal. He’d be safe.”
She began pulling from her end.
She wanted to make a joke that's something along the lines of "don't tempt me," but that would make Mary kind of, well, concerned about her mental health.
As if the fact that they're here wasn't enough.
"I hope so."
("I hope I will have that mercy, too.")
The thought of looking at the corpse terrified her. This was a living, breathing human, with thoughts and opinions and memories, and now he's just putrefying there. She couldn't find the words, the voice inside her, to narrate it all out and describe the sheer, fundamental, existential horror that ran through her, as in, this is what we all will be.
Human beings were supposed to be terrified of death, and now they're celebrating it. It made her want to vomit more than the smell did.
Leah looked Mary in the eye, tired and weary. Smiled.
She began to get to work.
As if the fact that they're here wasn't enough.
"I hope so."
("I hope I will have that mercy, too.")
The thought of looking at the corpse terrified her. This was a living, breathing human, with thoughts and opinions and memories, and now he's just putrefying there. She couldn't find the words, the voice inside her, to narrate it all out and describe the sheer, fundamental, existential horror that ran through her, as in, this is what we all will be.
Human beings were supposed to be terrified of death, and now they're celebrating it. It made her want to vomit more than the smell did.
Leah looked Mary in the eye, tired and weary. Smiled.
She began to get to work.
“Um, you know…”
Was it appropriate to bring this up while lugging a classmate’s body? Maybe, maybe not. It was a distraction, from the smell, the texture she had brushed up against just a minute ago. The idea.
“If you’re serious about veg, I’ve been veg for years. Gluten-free, too, because of allergies. If you ever want recipes, or trying out what you'd enjoy, or figuring out if something is some vegan woo-woo or actually legit, or just advice, then… I’m here, right?”
Mary continued pulling. Almost at the railing, now.
“Alright, lift?”
Was it appropriate to bring this up while lugging a classmate’s body? Maybe, maybe not. It was a distraction, from the smell, the texture she had brushed up against just a minute ago. The idea.
“If you’re serious about veg, I’ve been veg for years. Gluten-free, too, because of allergies. If you ever want recipes, or trying out what you'd enjoy, or figuring out if something is some vegan woo-woo or actually legit, or just advice, then… I’m here, right?”
Mary continued pulling. Almost at the railing, now.
“Alright, lift?”
This is so messed up.
''I appreciate it, but not now, obviously, unless you want me to associate vegetarianism with, uh... this.''
She never knew Mary had allergies. Did she eat the sandwitches in the backpack? Does SOTF have vegan accommodations? It probably doesn't. That would probably be kind ot dumb, to care about diet choices and allergies while making kids kill each other, but it felt just like the performative activism that big companies like to do, just like how sneaker companies denouce racism as they work children to exhaustion in overseas factories, do they can avoid paying, like, indian children any more than they had to. It was so fake. It was so evil. She couldn't understand how people do this and live with themselves- all of this, everything that surrounded her, was a product or byproduct of cruelty.
...
The body was so heavy. Was Abel a bulky person, or was Leah just weak?
''But thank you. A lot. Really.''
She remembered talking about vegetarianism with Jewel. She also talked about death and murder and what was supposed to happen when somebody kills their way out of here. Funny how things change.
''Yeah, let's lift him up. On the count of three?''
''I appreciate it, but not now, obviously, unless you want me to associate vegetarianism with, uh... this.''
She never knew Mary had allergies. Did she eat the sandwitches in the backpack? Does SOTF have vegan accommodations? It probably doesn't. That would probably be kind ot dumb, to care about diet choices and allergies while making kids kill each other, but it felt just like the performative activism that big companies like to do, just like how sneaker companies denouce racism as they work children to exhaustion in overseas factories, do they can avoid paying, like, indian children any more than they had to. It was so fake. It was so evil. She couldn't understand how people do this and live with themselves- all of this, everything that surrounded her, was a product or byproduct of cruelty.
...
The body was so heavy. Was Abel a bulky person, or was Leah just weak?
''But thank you. A lot. Really.''
She remembered talking about vegetarianism with Jewel. She also talked about death and murder and what was supposed to happen when somebody kills their way out of here. Funny how things change.
''Yeah, let's lift him up. On the count of three?''
“Yeah… of course.”
Another breath of miasma, of corpse and salt water.
“I’m ready.”
One more breath.
“One… two…”
She began lifting.
Another breath of miasma, of corpse and salt water.
“I’m ready.”
One more breath.
“One… two…”
She began lifting.
"Three," Leah finished under her breath.
It felt a bit messed up for her to admit this, but this felt kind of... good? Knowing that she is doing something good, that she and Mary still kept pieces of their humanity, that they have chosen to help instead of hurt. And it felt kind of good to be able to trust somebody, not because Mary is an inherently trustworthy person or concept or whatever, but just because nothing matters here except each other and this corpse, for this tiniest little moment of peace.
Her standards, she realized, have sunken lower than the anchors of these ships. And Dale's bones. And a lot of things.
It took almost all of her strength just to haul the body up, her arms trembling.
For a moment, she was almost glad that she had lived a sad, friendless, pathetic life without anybody to lean on. Because of she loved somebody, and they died here, it would've broke her. Instead, everything just broke her equally, but nobody more than others by a large margin. And she knew that nobody here would really be mourning her more than they'd mourn anybody else, if she died here, too, and that's, well, kind of sad, but then again she wouldn't be there to be miffed about that.
So, yeah, that's a new thing that she thought about. Kind of... more than kind of sad, honestly, that she was thinking about this here. But at least Abel wasn't, well, her dad or something. That helped. That sort of helped. A lot of her own mourning felt like it was selfish in a way, like she wasn't mourning them, she was mourning herself because she could've been them, and she wasn't mourning Rebecca, she was mourning her own innocence, except also she kind of doesn't have the emotional capacity to mourn right now because that would also break her. So she just kept on burying corpses, mechanically, just like how she was hauling Abel's body up and over the railing.
For the last few days she felt like she was just walking on tightropes and falling and landing other tightropes. Mary felt like solid ground. Like a good start. Which was really late for start, since almost two thirds of her classmates were dead, and also really weird because the most significant things they've done since meeting up were killing someone, seeing somebody die, and then tossing this body into the water.
It kind of felt unnecessarily cruel for this show to take from their entire class. Jewel had the privilege of not knowing the people she killed. And Whittree had the privilege of burying half the people that her school had to bury. Whole classes wiped out. Entire generations. Her mother wouldn't have had a grandchild anyways, but it just felt ordinarily sad either way.
It's all sad. She should stop thinking of everything as in sadness, because that was just such a vague word. But she wasn't that good at articulating her feelings yet.
It felt a bit messed up for her to admit this, but this felt kind of... good? Knowing that she is doing something good, that she and Mary still kept pieces of their humanity, that they have chosen to help instead of hurt. And it felt kind of good to be able to trust somebody, not because Mary is an inherently trustworthy person or concept or whatever, but just because nothing matters here except each other and this corpse, for this tiniest little moment of peace.
Her standards, she realized, have sunken lower than the anchors of these ships. And Dale's bones. And a lot of things.
It took almost all of her strength just to haul the body up, her arms trembling.
For a moment, she was almost glad that she had lived a sad, friendless, pathetic life without anybody to lean on. Because of she loved somebody, and they died here, it would've broke her. Instead, everything just broke her equally, but nobody more than others by a large margin. And she knew that nobody here would really be mourning her more than they'd mourn anybody else, if she died here, too, and that's, well, kind of sad, but then again she wouldn't be there to be miffed about that.
So, yeah, that's a new thing that she thought about. Kind of... more than kind of sad, honestly, that she was thinking about this here. But at least Abel wasn't, well, her dad or something. That helped. That sort of helped. A lot of her own mourning felt like it was selfish in a way, like she wasn't mourning them, she was mourning herself because she could've been them, and she wasn't mourning Rebecca, she was mourning her own innocence, except also she kind of doesn't have the emotional capacity to mourn right now because that would also break her. So she just kept on burying corpses, mechanically, just like how she was hauling Abel's body up and over the railing.
For the last few days she felt like she was just walking on tightropes and falling and landing other tightropes. Mary felt like solid ground. Like a good start. Which was really late for start, since almost two thirds of her classmates were dead, and also really weird because the most significant things they've done since meeting up were killing someone, seeing somebody die, and then tossing this body into the water.
It kind of felt unnecessarily cruel for this show to take from their entire class. Jewel had the privilege of not knowing the people she killed. And Whittree had the privilege of burying half the people that her school had to bury. Whole classes wiped out. Entire generations. Her mother wouldn't have had a grandchild anyways, but it just felt ordinarily sad either way.
It's all sad. She should stop thinking of everything as in sadness, because that was just such a vague word. But she wasn't that good at articulating her feelings yet.
And that was that. Abel started slowly sinking, the blue tarp the last seen of him.
Mary knew, in the back of her head, that it wasn’t perfect. Animals-- sharks, hagfish, starfish, all sorts of scavengers-- would come by to enjoy the Abel feast. Then again, that’d happened even if he was on land. She saw the seagulls flittering about. And scavengers would eat your corpse even if it was buried. Bacteria and insects were an issue. She wasn’t sure if he preferred land scavengers or sea scavengers. But, this was the best they could do for him, and for the others they saw.
Leo popped into her head again.
And another, vaguely related thought. She still wanted to be preserved, made into something for others to enjoy. Should she bring that up with Leah?
Mary sat down on top of a crate that looked sturdy, and, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce, she pulled her bag closer to her. She rummaged for a bit, before pulling out some hand sanitizer and rubbing it all over her hands. Abel corpse goo wasn’t good to have on you when you eventually have to eat, for one.
“So! Uh… what should we be on the lookout for while we’re here?” Mary asked, once her hands felt the cool numb of dying bacteria. “I was thinking about clean clothes, hopefully something that looks nicer than what we have already. And maybe makeup and hygiene stuff, if there’s anything worth using? Not too damaged or anything? I guess I’m worried about, like, making sure we’re clean and healthy. And looking good, of course.”
She laughed a little at her own joke.
“Uh, yeah. I guess this is the best place to stock up on anything we need, even minor?”
Mary held the small sanitizer bottle out in offering, in case Leah needed some of her own.
Mary knew, in the back of her head, that it wasn’t perfect. Animals-- sharks, hagfish, starfish, all sorts of scavengers-- would come by to enjoy the Abel feast. Then again, that’d happened even if he was on land. She saw the seagulls flittering about. And scavengers would eat your corpse even if it was buried. Bacteria and insects were an issue. She wasn’t sure if he preferred land scavengers or sea scavengers. But, this was the best they could do for him, and for the others they saw.
Leo popped into her head again.
And another, vaguely related thought. She still wanted to be preserved, made into something for others to enjoy. Should she bring that up with Leah?
Mary sat down on top of a crate that looked sturdy, and, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce, she pulled her bag closer to her. She rummaged for a bit, before pulling out some hand sanitizer and rubbing it all over her hands. Abel corpse goo wasn’t good to have on you when you eventually have to eat, for one.
“So! Uh… what should we be on the lookout for while we’re here?” Mary asked, once her hands felt the cool numb of dying bacteria. “I was thinking about clean clothes, hopefully something that looks nicer than what we have already. And maybe makeup and hygiene stuff, if there’s anything worth using? Not too damaged or anything? I guess I’m worried about, like, making sure we’re clean and healthy. And looking good, of course.”
She laughed a little at her own joke.
“Uh, yeah. I guess this is the best place to stock up on anything we need, even minor?”
Mary held the small sanitizer bottle out in offering, in case Leah needed some of her own.