You Think That You're Space Ghost, You're Wanted Coast to Coast
??? Like five minutes after C-WALK
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"Go for it."
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
"Thank you."
He cleared his throat.
"So you're right about something. When I attacked you, I did just want you dead. Because I fucking hated you. I still do."
A note of anger formed in his voice, subtle but clear.
"You treated me like utter shit. For years. You were petty, and cruel, and unrelenting, and you didn't even have the decency to leave it at school, or leave it just between us. You targeted my friends. You pulled my sister into your little clique and made everything between us hurt even more. You dragged my ex around with you everywhere and refused to let wounds that weren't about you ever heal right. You repeatedly came into my home and made it a space I felt unwelcome in. You made yourself inescapable, and you made yourself unbearable."
His breathing grew heavy. It was clear he was restraining himself.
"And then you beat the shit out of me. You stole not just food and water and medical supplies, but even some of my fucking clothes. You broke my glasses, you broke my fucking arm. You left me half-blind and crippled. Left me unable to protect anyone I loved as they all died around me. And then... you killed Kaine. You mutilated him and forced me to watch it, to feel it... I haven't forgiven you, and I don't think I ever could. I don't know that I have that in me."
He let out a long, slow breath. A release of tension.
"But I shouldn't have tried to kill you. I shouldn't have let Kaine go after you. Even with how much you've hurt me, you didn't deserve to die out there. Fuck, you didn't deserve a lot of the awful shit that happened to you."
He sniffled.
"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. And I'm sorry."
He cleared his throat.
"So you're right about something. When I attacked you, I did just want you dead. Because I fucking hated you. I still do."
A note of anger formed in his voice, subtle but clear.
"You treated me like utter shit. For years. You were petty, and cruel, and unrelenting, and you didn't even have the decency to leave it at school, or leave it just between us. You targeted my friends. You pulled my sister into your little clique and made everything between us hurt even more. You dragged my ex around with you everywhere and refused to let wounds that weren't about you ever heal right. You repeatedly came into my home and made it a space I felt unwelcome in. You made yourself inescapable, and you made yourself unbearable."
His breathing grew heavy. It was clear he was restraining himself.
"And then you beat the shit out of me. You stole not just food and water and medical supplies, but even some of my fucking clothes. You broke my glasses, you broke my fucking arm. You left me half-blind and crippled. Left me unable to protect anyone I loved as they all died around me. And then... you killed Kaine. You mutilated him and forced me to watch it, to feel it... I haven't forgiven you, and I don't think I ever could. I don't know that I have that in me."
He let out a long, slow breath. A release of tension.
"But I shouldn't have tried to kill you. I shouldn't have let Kaine go after you. Even with how much you've hurt me, you didn't deserve to die out there. Fuck, you didn't deserve a lot of the awful shit that happened to you."
He sniffled.
"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. And I'm sorry."
Crispin closed his eye. He expected what came next. He didn’t expect how much. Bandaged up face couldn’t show what he felt, but he knew Austin could feel it. He opened his eye, stared up at the lights.
….
“Gawddamn…”
He stared back at the stall door, blinking. His eye burned.
“Phew… Okay. Okay…”
“I’m gonna let you know right off the bat, you’re wrong. I deserved this shit, might be debatable if I did or not before or at the time, but I got to that point somewhere after it all happened. You kinda did too. So did Ray. Kaine. N’ Mercy. Fuckin’ finger snatchin’ Kennedy. We all did a little bit.”
“People’s with us didn’t. Moose didn’t, Toma, and Andrew. Jenelle. Gary. Noah, Sayuna. We all saw a lot of people go through shit they shouldn’t of, but we made our choices. You earned that ass-whooping, though you probably didn’t deserve the rest. I deserved this shit-“ bandage mitten gesturing around his face “like three times over by the time I got out. Kaine was a piece of shit. So was Ray, killing his own friends and using their faces n shit to fuck with people. Mercy deserved way worse than what she got, she was lucky it wasn’t me.”
He sighed.
“We deserved what we got, you a bit less than the rest of us, and if this was a fair and just world n shit, that’d be it. But it ain’t. So many others got worse than we did, just for being with us, and that ain’t right. It’s one thing this shit happened to us, but then we all go and get other people hurt for us, coz we can’t just deal with it ourselves. I tried to be direct, but clearly we both know that shit ain’t worked.”
Crispin but his lip and nodded.
“Some crucial ass shit. I ain’t usually the one to get all pillosipiskal. Ain’t ever really get the chance to either, nobody else would actually listen to me. But I know you don’t give a shit about that.”
He glanced back up at the stall door, where the voice came from. He wasn’t sure if Austin was looking through his eyes or looking at him, so he just assumed he was looking at his eye level wherever he’d be.
“You told me some shit you ain’t told nobody else, and you’re wanting answers for it. Anyone in your position would. I mean, I got ‘em. I can tell you what you want to hear, but we both know it’d be bullshit on my part. I’m a lot of things but I ain’t no liar. My daddy knocked that shit outta me a long ass time ago. Guess it’s a shame for all of us he didn’t give a shit about the other stuff.”
…
“To tell you the truth though, you ain’t gonna like none of what I got to say. Honestly, you’re gonna disappointed. I can tell you, it’s your choice. If you’d rather I don’t though, that’s fine too. You can keep thinking whatever answers you want about me, it’s what everyone else does, so I get it.”
“It’s all your choice, though. You deserve that, at least.”
….
“Gawddamn…”
He stared back at the stall door, blinking. His eye burned.
“Phew… Okay. Okay…”
“I’m gonna let you know right off the bat, you’re wrong. I deserved this shit, might be debatable if I did or not before or at the time, but I got to that point somewhere after it all happened. You kinda did too. So did Ray. Kaine. N’ Mercy. Fuckin’ finger snatchin’ Kennedy. We all did a little bit.”
“People’s with us didn’t. Moose didn’t, Toma, and Andrew. Jenelle. Gary. Noah, Sayuna. We all saw a lot of people go through shit they shouldn’t of, but we made our choices. You earned that ass-whooping, though you probably didn’t deserve the rest. I deserved this shit-“ bandage mitten gesturing around his face “like three times over by the time I got out. Kaine was a piece of shit. So was Ray, killing his own friends and using their faces n shit to fuck with people. Mercy deserved way worse than what she got, she was lucky it wasn’t me.”
He sighed.
“We deserved what we got, you a bit less than the rest of us, and if this was a fair and just world n shit, that’d be it. But it ain’t. So many others got worse than we did, just for being with us, and that ain’t right. It’s one thing this shit happened to us, but then we all go and get other people hurt for us, coz we can’t just deal with it ourselves. I tried to be direct, but clearly we both know that shit ain’t worked.”
Crispin but his lip and nodded.
“Some crucial ass shit. I ain’t usually the one to get all pillosipiskal. Ain’t ever really get the chance to either, nobody else would actually listen to me. But I know you don’t give a shit about that.”
He glanced back up at the stall door, where the voice came from. He wasn’t sure if Austin was looking through his eyes or looking at him, so he just assumed he was looking at his eye level wherever he’d be.
“You told me some shit you ain’t told nobody else, and you’re wanting answers for it. Anyone in your position would. I mean, I got ‘em. I can tell you what you want to hear, but we both know it’d be bullshit on my part. I’m a lot of things but I ain’t no liar. My daddy knocked that shit outta me a long ass time ago. Guess it’s a shame for all of us he didn’t give a shit about the other stuff.”
…
“To tell you the truth though, you ain’t gonna like none of what I got to say. Honestly, you’re gonna disappointed. I can tell you, it’s your choice. If you’d rather I don’t though, that’s fine too. You can keep thinking whatever answers you want about me, it’s what everyone else does, so I get it.”
“It’s all your choice, though. You deserve that, at least.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
"... I don't know that I want, or need, answers from you, really. Not that I'd mind them, but... I just wanted to say this shit out loud. A lot of this has eaten at me for ages, but I've never really gotten to just tell someone before. I guess I just found it too... just too goddamn embarrassing to let anyone know how hard I was taking shit with you. Easier to act like it's just some petty rivalry, make fun of you to your face, mask how much I was hurting."
Silence, for a moment, aside from his breathing.
"But holding it all alone, being the only one to see it or really get it... it blows. It fucking blows and I can't do it anymore. So if I gotta burden anyone with all this, well, may as well be you. Not like there's much point in hiding this anymore, either. No one left to try to be strong for, so I guess I'm free to be a fucking mess now."
He choked out a laugh, a little too loud, a little too desperate.
"Still. Say your piece, man. We ain't got another chance to, I don't think."
Silence, for a moment, aside from his breathing.
"But holding it all alone, being the only one to see it or really get it... it blows. It fucking blows and I can't do it anymore. So if I gotta burden anyone with all this, well, may as well be you. Not like there's much point in hiding this anymore, either. No one left to try to be strong for, so I guess I'm free to be a fucking mess now."
He choked out a laugh, a little too loud, a little too desperate.
"Still. Say your piece, man. We ain't got another chance to, I don't think."
“Yeah…”
Crispin nodded.
“Kinda figured that you hated me when you tried to kill me. To tell you the truth though, I didn’t know about it before. This is where, umm, this is where the part you’re not going to like comes in.”
He looked up at the stall door, figured Austin was looking back at him.
“You and your friends; I ain’t ever hated ‘em. Ain’t hated nobody, even dumbass Brian and his bullshit. To me, it’s all the bullshit you deal with growing up. Like, yeah, I’m violent, yeah I’m petty, but I ain’t never seriously hurt nobody. Even Noah’s bitch ass, I ain’t even fucked with him that hard even after he started actin’ like he’s the one who got his shit shot off, like oooOooOoh fireworks are scary!”
He chuckled, but the memories weren’t as funny as they used to be. He looked at the ground a second later.
“I know you think I targeted you extra hard, maybe because of Alan, but honestly it wasn’t that. You were just… the most available. I didn’t show up at ‘your’ house just to fuck with ‘you’. I went to Jenelle’s house to hang out with her, and you were just… there, being a fuckin’ nerd like usual. She didn’t get mad at me so I figured it wasn’t a big deal. You clapped back a lot too, so I figured you were doing fine. Alan was alright with it too, so I figured ‘hey, he’s tough enough to throw Gatorade bottles through windows he can handle some shit talk or paintballs.’ Targeting your friends too; like dawg, you’re friends with everyone man, who the fugg AM I going to target? The Blockbuster mall goths? Man they cry and snitch all the time the fuckin’ pussies, least y’all had the decency to retaliate, make it fun.”
He closed his eye. He didn’t feel the nostalgia he used to. He didn’t see them as games anymore, just dead kids who ain’t ever gonna get a chance at growing up.
“Like, call me a fuckin’ idiot, tell me ‘what’d I expect was gonna happen’ and all that, I fuckin’… know. Now. At the time I didn’t. When me and Gary was talking, when I thought maybe there was a chance for him to make it, I told him if I knew how bad this shit would be, I wouldn’t have taken it that far. Im not… Im not bullshitting either. Like yeah, I’m a dickhead, and yeah I got physical, or used paintballs or Roman candles and shit, but like… I ain’t never aimed to like hurt-hurt someone. Bruises were fine, cuts too. If I was shooting at someone, I always aimed for the legs, I never wanted to like, make someone lose an eye or get brain damage. I didn’t want to break no bones or like really seriously fuck someone up. I didn’t think it was all that big of a deal. People always laughed about it, unless it was them, so I figured it was just a game. I got fucked up I got hurt, I never figured it was that big of a deal either, except y’know, Noah. That was a little bit of an eye opener I guess, I realized I never wanted to do that shit to someone else but… here we are.”
He only realized now just what the game took from him, he couldn’t even reminisce, he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t enjoy- he couldn’t even go back to being innocent anymore. Any time a face came up he told himself they were dead now. He buried his face in his hands, bandages getting wet. He realized a lot more didn’t even get a chance to realize that one. He didn’t know if they got it better or if he did in the end. Austin got it the worst. He had to deal with both.
“I-I didn’t… I never, I just, I just… FUCK!”
He sat there, buried in himself, tail curled around him. He needed a second to breath.
Crispin nodded.
“Kinda figured that you hated me when you tried to kill me. To tell you the truth though, I didn’t know about it before. This is where, umm, this is where the part you’re not going to like comes in.”
He looked up at the stall door, figured Austin was looking back at him.
“You and your friends; I ain’t ever hated ‘em. Ain’t hated nobody, even dumbass Brian and his bullshit. To me, it’s all the bullshit you deal with growing up. Like, yeah, I’m violent, yeah I’m petty, but I ain’t never seriously hurt nobody. Even Noah’s bitch ass, I ain’t even fucked with him that hard even after he started actin’ like he’s the one who got his shit shot off, like oooOooOoh fireworks are scary!”
He chuckled, but the memories weren’t as funny as they used to be. He looked at the ground a second later.
“I know you think I targeted you extra hard, maybe because of Alan, but honestly it wasn’t that. You were just… the most available. I didn’t show up at ‘your’ house just to fuck with ‘you’. I went to Jenelle’s house to hang out with her, and you were just… there, being a fuckin’ nerd like usual. She didn’t get mad at me so I figured it wasn’t a big deal. You clapped back a lot too, so I figured you were doing fine. Alan was alright with it too, so I figured ‘hey, he’s tough enough to throw Gatorade bottles through windows he can handle some shit talk or paintballs.’ Targeting your friends too; like dawg, you’re friends with everyone man, who the fugg AM I going to target? The Blockbuster mall goths? Man they cry and snitch all the time the fuckin’ pussies, least y’all had the decency to retaliate, make it fun.”
He closed his eye. He didn’t feel the nostalgia he used to. He didn’t see them as games anymore, just dead kids who ain’t ever gonna get a chance at growing up.
“Like, call me a fuckin’ idiot, tell me ‘what’d I expect was gonna happen’ and all that, I fuckin’… know. Now. At the time I didn’t. When me and Gary was talking, when I thought maybe there was a chance for him to make it, I told him if I knew how bad this shit would be, I wouldn’t have taken it that far. Im not… Im not bullshitting either. Like yeah, I’m a dickhead, and yeah I got physical, or used paintballs or Roman candles and shit, but like… I ain’t never aimed to like hurt-hurt someone. Bruises were fine, cuts too. If I was shooting at someone, I always aimed for the legs, I never wanted to like, make someone lose an eye or get brain damage. I didn’t want to break no bones or like really seriously fuck someone up. I didn’t think it was all that big of a deal. People always laughed about it, unless it was them, so I figured it was just a game. I got fucked up I got hurt, I never figured it was that big of a deal either, except y’know, Noah. That was a little bit of an eye opener I guess, I realized I never wanted to do that shit to someone else but… here we are.”
He only realized now just what the game took from him, he couldn’t even reminisce, he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t enjoy- he couldn’t even go back to being innocent anymore. Any time a face came up he told himself they were dead now. He buried his face in his hands, bandages getting wet. He realized a lot more didn’t even get a chance to realize that one. He didn’t know if they got it better or if he did in the end. Austin got it the worst. He had to deal with both.
“I-I didn’t… I never, I just, I just… FUCK!”
He sat there, buried in himself, tail curled around him. He needed a second to breath.
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
He listened without comment or question. His breathing slowly grew heavier, more ragged.
"Y'know..."
He sounded close to tears, if he wasn't already there.
"That's honestly not too far from what I expected. I knew this shit wasn't really as personal for you as it was for me. I think that's part of why I was so fucking pissed about it. I guess it just felt like nothing I did really affected you. Even when I got kind of ugly about it, called you an animal, mocked you for... what Noah did to you."
Shame crept into his voice.
"Sometimes I thought you were heartless. Pure id, unthinking and uncaring, not entirely human. It was hard for me to see the good in someone who only ever showed me their worst side. It doesn't sound like you meant to, but you did, and not just to me... but I'm not just here to beat down on you when you're at your lowest. As it stands there's a lot to be said for realizing your fuckups, even now; it means maybe now you can do better. I wish... I wish I had that chance, honestly. There's shit I'm not proud of either."
He paused.
"Just... fuck me, so much of it feels so pathetic now, doesn't it? All the petty crap that seemed so big and important... now it just looks so fucking stupid, and I feel like a goddamn tool for caring about any of it. I fretted over bad grades, being bullied, being outed. I cared more about some shitty little band I was in than I did about the folks I shared it with. I slept around with guys I didn't like because I was afraid of having anything real again after Alan broke it off with me. I spent all my time dwelling on trivial bullshit and not remotely appreciating the people who loved me. I was a shit friend, I was a shit boyfriend... and I was a shit brother."
His breathing quickened. A pitiful whimper escaped his lips.
"I... I fucking killed her, didn't I?" Horror dripped off every word. "Fuck, I did."
"Y'know..."
He sounded close to tears, if he wasn't already there.
"That's honestly not too far from what I expected. I knew this shit wasn't really as personal for you as it was for me. I think that's part of why I was so fucking pissed about it. I guess it just felt like nothing I did really affected you. Even when I got kind of ugly about it, called you an animal, mocked you for... what Noah did to you."
Shame crept into his voice.
"Sometimes I thought you were heartless. Pure id, unthinking and uncaring, not entirely human. It was hard for me to see the good in someone who only ever showed me their worst side. It doesn't sound like you meant to, but you did, and not just to me... but I'm not just here to beat down on you when you're at your lowest. As it stands there's a lot to be said for realizing your fuckups, even now; it means maybe now you can do better. I wish... I wish I had that chance, honestly. There's shit I'm not proud of either."
He paused.
"Just... fuck me, so much of it feels so pathetic now, doesn't it? All the petty crap that seemed so big and important... now it just looks so fucking stupid, and I feel like a goddamn tool for caring about any of it. I fretted over bad grades, being bullied, being outed. I cared more about some shitty little band I was in than I did about the folks I shared it with. I slept around with guys I didn't like because I was afraid of having anything real again after Alan broke it off with me. I spent all my time dwelling on trivial bullshit and not remotely appreciating the people who loved me. I was a shit friend, I was a shit boyfriend... and I was a shit brother."
His breathing quickened. A pitiful whimper escaped his lips.
"I... I fucking killed her, didn't I?" Horror dripped off every word. "Fuck, I did."
“ Sometimes I thought you were heartless. Pure id, unthinking and uncaring, not entirely human.”
Crispy’s lip trembled. He couldn’t help but laugh. That was the funniest way he’s heard someone describe him in a long time. He stopped as Austin continued.
All that shit back then really wasn’t supposed to mean much. It seems dumb in hindsight, but it was all they knew. It was scary and stressful because it was the worst they had. It’s a big fucking jump going from dating, homework, and shit to, fucking killing each other.
Probably why he didn’t take it all that seriously at first.
“Man, shut the fuck up with that shit. You ain’t… Man, I don’t know what happened between you and Jenelle. She wouldn’t- Not for you, not like-“
Crispin sighed.
“You ain’t killed her.”
“It wasn’t just her, like- a lot of us, like most of us who died at first did it themselves. They… didn’t; they didn’t want to play along with that shit. They chose what they wanted when shit got real. I guess they saw what was coming before we did… Actually, no. No I don’t think… I don’t… I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t think it was a choice.”
He hated it when he couldn’t find the words to describe what he was trying to say. It happened a lot. He sounded confused or stupid, when he knew what he was talking about, but he couldn’t say it, like it was a feedback loop or crossed wiring or-
“Like, sometimes you ain’t got no choice. Especially… there. What was ours? Kill everyone you knew and go home, or get killed? It wasn’t kill some. Wasn’t just, ‘waste Crispy’. It was everyone. If you wanted home it meant that me, Alan, and Moose had to go, sure, but so did, Noah, Ray, Kaine, Jenelle… You had to take us all out. I mean yeah, some of us thought help was on the way, but… Look how many of us made it out? Like, seven? Others thought help ain’t coming, and for the most part, they were right. Like how many of us died in that fucking desert, and then you add whoever didn’t make it from the knockout gas, and you get… seven going home.”
Crispin leaned back, closing his eye.
“You did a lot of dumb shit, but Jenelle ain’t your fault. ‘You kill everyone, or you get killed.’ That was the rules. You only had two choices. But then some people picked a third. They just… They figured the second one was going to happen or they didn’t want to do the first… so they just- they just don’t take part. They didn’t give the furries the satisfaction of forcing them to. I don’t- I don’t blame them. I considered all three options by- shit, just on that rooftop. At that moment I didn’t think help was coming so it was just kill, get killed, or die.”
He stared at the door.
“I wanted Kaine to just kill me. Get it over with. I envied everyone else going out on their terms day one. If I knew what was coming back then…”
“Shiet, I’d have let you waste me in that parking lot. What’s the worst that’d have happened for either of us?”
Crispy’s lip trembled. He couldn’t help but laugh. That was the funniest way he’s heard someone describe him in a long time. He stopped as Austin continued.
All that shit back then really wasn’t supposed to mean much. It seems dumb in hindsight, but it was all they knew. It was scary and stressful because it was the worst they had. It’s a big fucking jump going from dating, homework, and shit to, fucking killing each other.
Probably why he didn’t take it all that seriously at first.
“Man, shut the fuck up with that shit. You ain’t… Man, I don’t know what happened between you and Jenelle. She wouldn’t- Not for you, not like-“
Crispin sighed.
“You ain’t killed her.”
“It wasn’t just her, like- a lot of us, like most of us who died at first did it themselves. They… didn’t; they didn’t want to play along with that shit. They chose what they wanted when shit got real. I guess they saw what was coming before we did… Actually, no. No I don’t think… I don’t… I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t think it was a choice.”
He hated it when he couldn’t find the words to describe what he was trying to say. It happened a lot. He sounded confused or stupid, when he knew what he was talking about, but he couldn’t say it, like it was a feedback loop or crossed wiring or-
“Like, sometimes you ain’t got no choice. Especially… there. What was ours? Kill everyone you knew and go home, or get killed? It wasn’t kill some. Wasn’t just, ‘waste Crispy’. It was everyone. If you wanted home it meant that me, Alan, and Moose had to go, sure, but so did, Noah, Ray, Kaine, Jenelle… You had to take us all out. I mean yeah, some of us thought help was on the way, but… Look how many of us made it out? Like, seven? Others thought help ain’t coming, and for the most part, they were right. Like how many of us died in that fucking desert, and then you add whoever didn’t make it from the knockout gas, and you get… seven going home.”
Crispin leaned back, closing his eye.
“You did a lot of dumb shit, but Jenelle ain’t your fault. ‘You kill everyone, or you get killed.’ That was the rules. You only had two choices. But then some people picked a third. They just… They figured the second one was going to happen or they didn’t want to do the first… so they just- they just don’t take part. They didn’t give the furries the satisfaction of forcing them to. I don’t- I don’t blame them. I considered all three options by- shit, just on that rooftop. At that moment I didn’t think help was coming so it was just kill, get killed, or die.”
He stared at the door.
“I wanted Kaine to just kill me. Get it over with. I envied everyone else going out on their terms day one. If I knew what was coming back then…”
“Shiet, I’d have let you waste me in that parking lot. What’s the worst that’d have happened for either of us?”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
His breathing slowed as he listened, like he was struggling to collect himself. He laughed mirthlessly at Crispin's final words.
"Honestly, I wish you'd killed me in that fucking parking lot too. Guess we should've made it a suicide pact."
More laughter, equally hollow and panicky. It took him a moment to stop.
"... You wanna know the truth, though? I didn't want to go home. Not alone. Sure, I'd have been thrilled to escape, but it didn't seem even remotely possible, let alone realistic to hope for. Winning that sadistic little game, returning home without Jenelle or any of my friends... I couldn't fathom anything I'd want less. What would be the point in that kind of life? But I also didn't want to just off myself immediately. I knew I was doomed to die, but that didn't mean I had to do it myself or do it right away. And I had shit I still had to do. I had folks I knew were out there, Jenelle and Kyle and Noah and a bunch of others. So I just... wanted to get someone else home instead. I know that isn't any better, or any less selfish; I'm not trying to excuse myself. But I just wanted someone, just one person who mattered to me, to just... be ok. At first I wanted it to be Jenelle, and then when she..."
He stopped himself, as if the mere mention of it was too painful.
"Well, after... that, I would've settled for any of my friends, I suppose. I wasn't going to pick, I was just gonna do what little I could to get them as far as they could, hope one of them made it."
He breathed deeply again.
"For Jenelle, though... if she'd asked me to help her kill everyone, I'd have done it. Even my friends, even myself. Especially you. I'd have helped her wipe everyone out if it meant she went home."
He sighed, a sound carrying equal parts shame and mourning.
"So I guess it's good for the rest of y'all that she didn't want that, huh? Folks always thought the worst of her - self included - but she wasn't... she absolutely could've gone for it, and she didn't..."
His voice grew quiet.
"I miss her."
"Honestly, I wish you'd killed me in that fucking parking lot too. Guess we should've made it a suicide pact."
More laughter, equally hollow and panicky. It took him a moment to stop.
"... You wanna know the truth, though? I didn't want to go home. Not alone. Sure, I'd have been thrilled to escape, but it didn't seem even remotely possible, let alone realistic to hope for. Winning that sadistic little game, returning home without Jenelle or any of my friends... I couldn't fathom anything I'd want less. What would be the point in that kind of life? But I also didn't want to just off myself immediately. I knew I was doomed to die, but that didn't mean I had to do it myself or do it right away. And I had shit I still had to do. I had folks I knew were out there, Jenelle and Kyle and Noah and a bunch of others. So I just... wanted to get someone else home instead. I know that isn't any better, or any less selfish; I'm not trying to excuse myself. But I just wanted someone, just one person who mattered to me, to just... be ok. At first I wanted it to be Jenelle, and then when she..."
He stopped himself, as if the mere mention of it was too painful.
"Well, after... that, I would've settled for any of my friends, I suppose. I wasn't going to pick, I was just gonna do what little I could to get them as far as they could, hope one of them made it."
He breathed deeply again.
"For Jenelle, though... if she'd asked me to help her kill everyone, I'd have done it. Even my friends, even myself. Especially you. I'd have helped her wipe everyone out if it meant she went home."
He sighed, a sound carrying equal parts shame and mourning.
"So I guess it's good for the rest of y'all that she didn't want that, huh? Folks always thought the worst of her - self included - but she wasn't... she absolutely could've gone for it, and she didn't..."
His voice grew quiet.
"I miss her."
“Yeah, I didn’t want to go home either.”
He laughed too.
“I don’t think it makes you any more selfish than… anyone else who made it. I mean, I thought about winning too. After Kaine, I figured it was probably the only choice anyways. ‘Everyone already hates my ass what the fuck was I losing?’ It wasn’t like I was meeting the paragons of humanity and shit anyways, so what was everyone else back home missing if none of them made it back either. You know what’s fucked is I knew that I probably would have won too, and the really fucked up part was that when I did, I knew I wasn’t gonna go home, win or lose. I figured that, y’know, the masked bitches was gonna kill me at the end anyways, why would they keep their promise? They’re fuckin’ psychos.”
He started bouncing his knee. His legs were falling asleep on the toilet seat. He should probably stand up.
“I had a plan though. Well, not really, but I knew what I was gonna do. Them motherfuckers was gonna kill me in person, I figured. Let ‘em come. I was gonna die sure but, I’d go out swinging. I’d take some of them sumbitches with me. Didn’t matter what they were wearing once I got close, I’d punch through it and them. Didn’t matter if it was riot gear, or kevlar, or fucking plate mail if these fuckers thought they were really prepared. I’d still get through it.”
He found himself laughing some more.
“Now I’m saying it, it’s fuckin’ stupid though, ain’t it? All them motherfuckers would do once I win is say ‘thank you for playing’ then blow my head up. Why waste the gas money when they can do it from the safety of their own home, or wherever they’re at? All that shit for nothing. ‘At least I won though,” Crispy said, in a mocking dumbass tone. “Like that fucking matters. Like any of this shit did. We were fucked from the beginning and the worst part was we’d all let it happen.”
He sighed.
“I miss Jenelle too. I miss a lot of people… but Jenelle’s still high up there, even if she probably hated me. A lot of people talked shit about her, but one of the big things they got wrong a lot was they thought she was stupid.”
He glanced at where he assumed Austin was.
“We both know she ain’t. I think that’s why we both know why she… quit. She uhh, she knew what all of us, she knew what were were all going to do to each other, or had a good idea of it. She could’ve helped everyone out with her power, but- I don’t blame her. After everything that happened, and all the shit we did to each other, would you try helping us? Yeah, I wouldn’t either. She just… chose not to take part, and she’s better than us for that.”
He laughed too.
“I don’t think it makes you any more selfish than… anyone else who made it. I mean, I thought about winning too. After Kaine, I figured it was probably the only choice anyways. ‘Everyone already hates my ass what the fuck was I losing?’ It wasn’t like I was meeting the paragons of humanity and shit anyways, so what was everyone else back home missing if none of them made it back either. You know what’s fucked is I knew that I probably would have won too, and the really fucked up part was that when I did, I knew I wasn’t gonna go home, win or lose. I figured that, y’know, the masked bitches was gonna kill me at the end anyways, why would they keep their promise? They’re fuckin’ psychos.”
He started bouncing his knee. His legs were falling asleep on the toilet seat. He should probably stand up.
“I had a plan though. Well, not really, but I knew what I was gonna do. Them motherfuckers was gonna kill me in person, I figured. Let ‘em come. I was gonna die sure but, I’d go out swinging. I’d take some of them sumbitches with me. Didn’t matter what they were wearing once I got close, I’d punch through it and them. Didn’t matter if it was riot gear, or kevlar, or fucking plate mail if these fuckers thought they were really prepared. I’d still get through it.”
He found himself laughing some more.
“Now I’m saying it, it’s fuckin’ stupid though, ain’t it? All them motherfuckers would do once I win is say ‘thank you for playing’ then blow my head up. Why waste the gas money when they can do it from the safety of their own home, or wherever they’re at? All that shit for nothing. ‘At least I won though,” Crispy said, in a mocking dumbass tone. “Like that fucking matters. Like any of this shit did. We were fucked from the beginning and the worst part was we’d all let it happen.”
He sighed.
“I miss Jenelle too. I miss a lot of people… but Jenelle’s still high up there, even if she probably hated me. A lot of people talked shit about her, but one of the big things they got wrong a lot was they thought she was stupid.”
He glanced at where he assumed Austin was.
“We both know she ain’t. I think that’s why we both know why she… quit. She uhh, she knew what all of us, she knew what were were all going to do to each other, or had a good idea of it. She could’ve helped everyone out with her power, but- I don’t blame her. After everything that happened, and all the shit we did to each other, would you try helping us? Yeah, I wouldn’t either. She just… chose not to take part, and she’s better than us for that.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
"She was better than us, you're right. Much as I wish she hadn't been. Though... wanna know what? I don't think folks will remember her kindly for it. She had an awful reputation - and before all this shit, I might've said she'd earned it."
Shuddering, ragged breathing.
"I can't stand it, though. The way people are sure to talk about her even though she's dead. I don't give a shit what anyone says about me, but... nobody's gonna defend her, except our parents. Karen too, I suppose, but she's just a kid, and she shouldn't have to deal with that. Everyone else is gonna act like she deserved it, and she can't defend herself nor can she ever do any better to prove them wrong. And... and..."
He stopped again. He stumbled away from the stall, stopping at the sink on the opposite wall. A few quiet, muffled sobs sounded from the other side of the door. It sounded like the dam had finally burst.
"Fucking... god... goddammit..."
Shuddering, ragged breathing.
"I can't stand it, though. The way people are sure to talk about her even though she's dead. I don't give a shit what anyone says about me, but... nobody's gonna defend her, except our parents. Karen too, I suppose, but she's just a kid, and she shouldn't have to deal with that. Everyone else is gonna act like she deserved it, and she can't defend herself nor can she ever do any better to prove them wrong. And... and..."
He stopped again. He stumbled away from the stall, stopping at the sink on the opposite wall. A few quiet, muffled sobs sounded from the other side of the door. It sounded like the dam had finally burst.
"Fucking... god... goddammit..."
“I know that feeling.”
It ain’t never enough. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You could save the day, but if people never liked you in the first place, they’re going to find something wrong with it. Why bother?
“People always gonna talk shit about things they don’t know. Shit they ain’t been through. Actions… they don’t fucking matter. Not really. People always gonna bitch, just because, y’know, you’re you, or Jenelle’s Jenellle, or I’m me. Jenelle could’ve saved everyone day one before everyone killed themselves, and you know something?”
He chuckled through his anger.
“People’d still bitch, because Mercy lit Moose up. Now, they wouldn’t blame Mercy, she was ‘just protecting her brother’ or ‘she’s a good girl in a bad place, she didn’t do nothing’ and all that. But Jenelle? ‘Why wasn’t she faster, why’d she take so long, why’d Moose have to die because of her?’ Somehow it’s Jenelle’s fault because nobody likes her, and even if she saved everyone, it won’t change shit.”
Crispin stood up, leaning against the stall. He laughed some more. It pissed him off. Made him realize just how much he didn’t really regret what he did, even now.
“Like, it’s fucked up ain’t it. That’s why… I don’t know, that’s why I hung around, I kept going. I knew if I died, didn’t matter if it was to you day one, or to Ray, it all meant the same thing, people’d talk the same shit. ‘He had it coming’ or ‘couldn’t have happened sooner’ or ‘I wish I did it’. Makes me fucking sick. I wanted to live to like, say my piece, but now I realize it ain’t matter. What I say won’t matter, I still ‘should’ have died back there. For what? So motherfuckers can talk shit without worrying if Ima knock their shit in for it? Like, I’m under the impression that people believe I should’ve just rolled over and let them waste me. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, like I got less value, like I’m some fuckin’ subhuman or some shit.”
He shook.
“I’m just here out of spite. That’s it. That’s all I got. People wanna pretend like they’re better than me, like they’d have saved the day in my shoes, like they’d have done any different. They wouldn’t. They’d have done the same shit I would’ve- no, they wouldn’t even do that. Motherfuckers talk all that shit, they’d have curled up, cried like a bitch, and died somewhere between Mercy and Kaine. Fuck them weak ass bitches. Let ‘em talk. It’s all they got.”
He shook.
“Let ‘em fucking talk. Let them be wrong. I know what I am.You know what you are. We both know what Jenelle is. Motherfuckers are always going to be wrong, thinking they know the true story, and that’s just who got out. Think about every other dumbass bitch with a Twitter check mark and a podcast. They’re the ‘real experts’ on what happened to us. They know about it better than we do, right? Fuck them, their word means just as much as they do; equal to shit…”
“ I gotta take my own advice coz this shit still pisses me off. Iunno man, fuck.”
He heard Austin crying. He stepped up to the stall door. He wanted to open it to check on him, but he was afraid he’d disappear if he did that.
“Ay man, you good?” No he wasn’t you dumbass.
“Hey man, if this is about your folks, like- I think they’d like to hear from you. I don’t know… I don’t know how long you’ll… be around, but- if you got time, I think when we go back home, at least if we ain’t going to prison, one of us could go by your house so you can visit them.”
“They’d want to talk with you.”
It ain’t never enough. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You could save the day, but if people never liked you in the first place, they’re going to find something wrong with it. Why bother?
“People always gonna talk shit about things they don’t know. Shit they ain’t been through. Actions… they don’t fucking matter. Not really. People always gonna bitch, just because, y’know, you’re you, or Jenelle’s Jenellle, or I’m me. Jenelle could’ve saved everyone day one before everyone killed themselves, and you know something?”
He chuckled through his anger.
“People’d still bitch, because Mercy lit Moose up. Now, they wouldn’t blame Mercy, she was ‘just protecting her brother’ or ‘she’s a good girl in a bad place, she didn’t do nothing’ and all that. But Jenelle? ‘Why wasn’t she faster, why’d she take so long, why’d Moose have to die because of her?’ Somehow it’s Jenelle’s fault because nobody likes her, and even if she saved everyone, it won’t change shit.”
Crispin stood up, leaning against the stall. He laughed some more. It pissed him off. Made him realize just how much he didn’t really regret what he did, even now.
“Like, it’s fucked up ain’t it. That’s why… I don’t know, that’s why I hung around, I kept going. I knew if I died, didn’t matter if it was to you day one, or to Ray, it all meant the same thing, people’d talk the same shit. ‘He had it coming’ or ‘couldn’t have happened sooner’ or ‘I wish I did it’. Makes me fucking sick. I wanted to live to like, say my piece, but now I realize it ain’t matter. What I say won’t matter, I still ‘should’ have died back there. For what? So motherfuckers can talk shit without worrying if Ima knock their shit in for it? Like, I’m under the impression that people believe I should’ve just rolled over and let them waste me. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, like I got less value, like I’m some fuckin’ subhuman or some shit.”
He shook.
“I’m just here out of spite. That’s it. That’s all I got. People wanna pretend like they’re better than me, like they’d have saved the day in my shoes, like they’d have done any different. They wouldn’t. They’d have done the same shit I would’ve- no, they wouldn’t even do that. Motherfuckers talk all that shit, they’d have curled up, cried like a bitch, and died somewhere between Mercy and Kaine. Fuck them weak ass bitches. Let ‘em talk. It’s all they got.”
He shook.
“Let ‘em fucking talk. Let them be wrong. I know what I am.You know what you are. We both know what Jenelle is. Motherfuckers are always going to be wrong, thinking they know the true story, and that’s just who got out. Think about every other dumbass bitch with a Twitter check mark and a podcast. They’re the ‘real experts’ on what happened to us. They know about it better than we do, right? Fuck them, their word means just as much as they do; equal to shit…”
“ I gotta take my own advice coz this shit still pisses me off. Iunno man, fuck.”
He heard Austin crying. He stepped up to the stall door. He wanted to open it to check on him, but he was afraid he’d disappear if he did that.
“Ay man, you good?” No he wasn’t you dumbass.
“Hey man, if this is about your folks, like- I think they’d like to hear from you. I don’t know… I don’t know how long you’ll… be around, but- if you got time, I think when we go back home, at least if we ain’t going to prison, one of us could go by your house so you can visit them.”
“They’d want to talk with you.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
"... I don't think I can. I want to so fucking bad, but... I can't face them. Not without her."
The crying had stopped, though he still sounded wounded.
"I... I appreciate it, though. You've been far kinder than I deserve from you. You don't owe me shit, after what I've done, but letting me say all this... it's helped. It's helped more than I can put into words."
The gratitude sounded genuine.
"I'm sorry about Moose. He's not gonna get a fair shake in all this either, I don't think. Maybe some folks'll think he made his bed and had to lie in it, but... he didn't deserve whatever the fuck Mercedes did to him."
He stepped back towards the stall.
"You mind if I offer a little bit of advice? I guess it's a request, too, and... well, it's a lot of things, actually."
The crying had stopped, though he still sounded wounded.
"I... I appreciate it, though. You've been far kinder than I deserve from you. You don't owe me shit, after what I've done, but letting me say all this... it's helped. It's helped more than I can put into words."
The gratitude sounded genuine.
"I'm sorry about Moose. He's not gonna get a fair shake in all this either, I don't think. Maybe some folks'll think he made his bed and had to lie in it, but... he didn't deserve whatever the fuck Mercedes did to him."
He stepped back towards the stall.
"You mind if I offer a little bit of advice? I guess it's a request, too, and... well, it's a lot of things, actually."
“Aite. I figure they’d still want to hear from you if you change your mind. The trip back to Bend is still on the table, if they ever let us go back, anyways.”
For the first time in his life, Crispin had heard the words that’d he helped someone. Someone who for all intents and purposes hated him, someone who he’d kill if he’d found him again in the game. Irony was a stupid fuckin hipster word, but it wasn’t lost on him.
“I mean; you’re the only one here who’s listened to me, who actually got what I was saying. Shit, nobody else would even hear me out except for Gary. But shit man; I don’t understand everything that happened to you. Probably never will. I think I get a lot of I though. I still experience some of it, at least in different ways.”
This was the part that scared him.
Requests. Advice. Parting words. This would be over soon, and Crispin would go back to where he was at. Surrounded by people who didn’t want to listen, but they had a lot to say. They ‘knew’ him. Yeah fucking right.
He couldn’t believe he’d rather talk to Austin than… literally anyone else.
…stupid fuckin hipster word.
“Sure man. Give it your best. Or your worst. I’m listening.”
For the first time in his life, Crispin had heard the words that’d he helped someone. Someone who for all intents and purposes hated him, someone who he’d kill if he’d found him again in the game. Irony was a stupid fuckin hipster word, but it wasn’t lost on him.
“I mean; you’re the only one here who’s listened to me, who actually got what I was saying. Shit, nobody else would even hear me out except for Gary. But shit man; I don’t understand everything that happened to you. Probably never will. I think I get a lot of I though. I still experience some of it, at least in different ways.”
This was the part that scared him.
Requests. Advice. Parting words. This would be over soon, and Crispin would go back to where he was at. Surrounded by people who didn’t want to listen, but they had a lot to say. They ‘knew’ him. Yeah fucking right.
He couldn’t believe he’d rather talk to Austin than… literally anyone else.
…stupid fuckin hipster word.
“Sure man. Give it your best. Or your worst. I’m listening.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
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almostinhuman
- Posts: 650
- Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2020 7:06 pm
"Thanks. I... don't even know where to begin, really, but I'll try."
He clicked his tongue a bit, as if searching for a way to put what came next.
"I guess... look, you're gonna keep getting a lot of shit from all angles. A lot of folks already didn't like you, and this crap... well, from the outside, it looks like it confirms a lot of what they already believed. It's gonna be all too easy to either take it all in, let it eat you alive, or reject it all and act like everyone who's mad at you is the exact same flavor of asshole. Don't do either. Reject the motherfuckers selling bullshit narratives about you, but don't go pushing folks like Alan away. It might not feel it, but he's the only person remotely in your corner right now. You don't need to let everything go or grovel for forgiveness, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little more patient with him."
There was a brief pause.
"You also can't fucking coast along anymore, you hear me? The petty delinquency and bullying and stupid stunts, it was one thing when everyone who had to deal with it would get to grow up and move on. Now they don't, and you owe it to them not to slip back into your dumb old shit... hell, you owe it to yourself, too. It'd be a real fucking shame to survive all that and get yourself killed in some stupid-ass way, don't you think? So shape up, and don't fucking blow it."
He gave a quiet, unhappy sigh.
"And speaking of everyone else... try to remember them. Remember them the way they were, as best you can. Not just in the desert, but before it, too. Even the worst of them deserves that much, I think. The rest of the world's gonna paint them a bunch of incorrect colors, distort them all until they fit a tidy narrative. They'll do it to you guys who survived this, too, but you get to keep going, you get to write your own story. The dead don't. It's only by remembering folks that they get to keep living."
His bare feet shifted a bit across the floor, like he was preparing to step away again.
"Also, if I can ask something just for me? My family's already gotta be devastated about what happened, and my parents in particular... they never really liked you. I imagine that's only gotten worse now that you made it home and we... didn't. So if it's not too much trouble, please, don't show yourself to them. I don't think you want to hurt them or anything, but your very presence would probably hurt whether you wanted it to or not. I don't think these are wounds that can ever really heal, but they definitely won't with your familiar face around, reminding them of who isn't there anymore."
He breathed deeply. There was an air of finality to it.
"Well, I think that's about all I got for you. Whether you take any of what I said to heart or not is up to you, but I'm glad you let me say it. You're probably waking up soon, anyway, so I'd better not stick around. So... goodbye, Crispin. Goodbye, and thank you."
He turned away and slipped towards the exit.
He clicked his tongue a bit, as if searching for a way to put what came next.
"I guess... look, you're gonna keep getting a lot of shit from all angles. A lot of folks already didn't like you, and this crap... well, from the outside, it looks like it confirms a lot of what they already believed. It's gonna be all too easy to either take it all in, let it eat you alive, or reject it all and act like everyone who's mad at you is the exact same flavor of asshole. Don't do either. Reject the motherfuckers selling bullshit narratives about you, but don't go pushing folks like Alan away. It might not feel it, but he's the only person remotely in your corner right now. You don't need to let everything go or grovel for forgiveness, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little more patient with him."
There was a brief pause.
"You also can't fucking coast along anymore, you hear me? The petty delinquency and bullying and stupid stunts, it was one thing when everyone who had to deal with it would get to grow up and move on. Now they don't, and you owe it to them not to slip back into your dumb old shit... hell, you owe it to yourself, too. It'd be a real fucking shame to survive all that and get yourself killed in some stupid-ass way, don't you think? So shape up, and don't fucking blow it."
He gave a quiet, unhappy sigh.
"And speaking of everyone else... try to remember them. Remember them the way they were, as best you can. Not just in the desert, but before it, too. Even the worst of them deserves that much, I think. The rest of the world's gonna paint them a bunch of incorrect colors, distort them all until they fit a tidy narrative. They'll do it to you guys who survived this, too, but you get to keep going, you get to write your own story. The dead don't. It's only by remembering folks that they get to keep living."
His bare feet shifted a bit across the floor, like he was preparing to step away again.
"Also, if I can ask something just for me? My family's already gotta be devastated about what happened, and my parents in particular... they never really liked you. I imagine that's only gotten worse now that you made it home and we... didn't. So if it's not too much trouble, please, don't show yourself to them. I don't think you want to hurt them or anything, but your very presence would probably hurt whether you wanted it to or not. I don't think these are wounds that can ever really heal, but they definitely won't with your familiar face around, reminding them of who isn't there anymore."
He breathed deeply. There was an air of finality to it.
"Well, I think that's about all I got for you. Whether you take any of what I said to heart or not is up to you, but I'm glad you let me say it. You're probably waking up soon, anyway, so I'd better not stick around. So... goodbye, Crispin. Goodbye, and thank you."
He turned away and slipped towards the exit.
“You’re asking a lot from me. Some of this shit I can do but-“
“I can talk to Alan, and I can stay away from your folks but; I don’t know about the others. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do now to just; get on with life or just… change when people don’t want me to. I can’t just remember our class but forget the things they did either, like-“
“I don’t know man. I don’t know.”
“I’ll try.”
“I can talk to Alan, and I can stay away from your folks but; I don’t know about the others. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do now to just; get on with life or just… change when people don’t want me to. I can’t just remember our class but forget the things they did either, like-“
“I don’t know man. I don’t know.”
“I’ll try.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.