Pregare

[Fenris]

"I told Mamma, you know.



Like, I don't have a reason, I guess. I just did. I know you didn't snitch or anything so I guess I fucked up my half of the deal but like. It's not like it matters? Like even if you were here you'd probably just be like vaguely sad at me for five minutes before you forgave me because you're a fucking idiot.

Were, I guess.


I saw everything.

I don't know what I wanted. Like, I don't know what the point was. I guess no matter how fucking stupid it was there was still this little bit of my brain that was like... maybe people will pity how pathetic he is and he'll somehow trip face-first into a plane ride home. Maybe fucking aliens would infiltrate the island and rescue everyone, that's probably, like, more likely, if we're being honest? Like what the fuck was I thinking? Would be super easy to just be like hey yeah my brother's dead, he got kidnapped by terrorists, it sucked. I didn't really need to know the specifics.

I think I just wanted a target, you know? I wanted to hate someone more than I hated you.


I haven't watched any more yet. I don't know if it's better to watch them die or pretend they're out there somewhere so I can think about killing them myself. Which like, you wouldn't want me to do. Right? Like if I could talk to ghosts or whatever you'd tell me that was your friend and you're sure they're still a good person or whatever.

I can hear it in your voice and everything.

I can...




Bea still thinks you're coming home. Mamma won't let her hear anything else. Mamma won't listen, either. Adi's starting to get it, I think. Ally is...



This is all so fucking stupid.




The gay thing distracted Mamma for a minute, so that was like, nice. You should have—I mean, if you're hearing any of this I guess you did see her, yeah? Kinda nice to see her pissed again even if it was for a shitty reason. I probably—I shouldn't have used it like that. You. I just—she wouldn't shut up about you, she won't. How Jesus will guide you home, or whatever. She won't fucking—I'm so tired. I feel like she'd have to watch before she'd believe it.

I could take a screenshot.




Jesus fucking christ, no, fuck, I can't do that, I don't—






We're all just meat on the inside and we fall apart and rot and I hate it. I hate it. It isn't you. That's not—



I'm sorry. This was stupid. God, we're both so fucking stupid.











I love you.
















See you on the other side."