Death to Buddy

[Un-Persona†]

((Rutherford "R.J." Roger Jr: B032 -V5- Continued From Affluenza))

They had walked all the way up to here now, to the 3rd floor, after it had stopped raining. Even then, the crisp air was still filled with the scent of rain, the wind providing the nicest chill. It reminded R.J. of home. He and Maddie were sitting in a car, watching as the night grew darker, R.J. keeping himself occupied by daydreaming and rolling the windows down. It was an old car, so it had a handle.

"I wonder how old this place is."

R.J. rolled up the window once more, the wind becoming just a bit too much. He leaned the car chair as far back as it could, snuggling up in his jacket and letting his body stretch itself till it was comfortable. R.J. had been lucky really, he thought. He hadn't run into anybody that was hurt or was trying to hurt him, so that was a plus, and that was an advance above all the other days. He felt himself grow more tired and more ill all the time, but that was okay. All he needed was a bit more for this place. Sometimes everything felt more slow, more painful, but that was fine. Maddie was always making sure he felt okay and was doing well, and he lied to her and said that he was in return. Give and take, all in a day's work.

R.J. felt his eyes fluttering and growing heavy. His arms were letting themselves fall to his sides. Might be time for sleep now. He could feel himself falling, drums rolling to a marching tune and the thunder in his head clapping. He clasped his palms together, trying to think of a silent prayer. It was hard to focus, that was the main problem. He needed help.

"...Maddie, what do you think about?"

[VoltTurtle]

((Madeline Wilcox continued from Affluenza))

It had been a long day.

After she and RJ had fled from the gated community they stopped and went to sleep in one of the various abandoned houses. Then they woke up and the announcements played. Alex was dead. Maddie didn't know how to react to it, just like the news of Yaz's death. Her two best friends at Aurora, both dead.

The two of them spent most of the rest of the day wandering around aimlessly, Maddie not knowing where to go or what to do, RJ seemingly not caring. She didn't say much of anything beyond occasionally asking RJ if he was okay, she simply didn't feel like talking. When they finally found a place to stay, a parking garage near the nuclear plant, she silently sat next to one of the walls, shutting out the world for a while.

When she finally left her near comatose state, it was late at night already. RJ invited her into one of the cars in the garage, and she obliged, hiding in it with him. She sat in the car quietly, still not really talking. Still stuck in her own thoughts.

Then RJ asked her a question. What did she think about?

She spoke for the first time in hours. "Well..."

She hesitated for a moment.

"I think about a lot of things... it's probably better to name what I don't think about..." She paused. "Like... for instance... I try to avoid thinking about the imminent future." Her voice softened. "I'd rather not imagine myself dying..."

She paused, her voice still quiet. "If anything I'd rather avoid thinking about the situation we're in entirely. Almost like I'm childishly thinking that if I ignore it it will go away and things will go back to the way they were." She whispered to herself. "If only..."

She stared at the floor of car, addressing RJ once again. "What I avoid thinking about the most, though, is what would happen if this... awful place... finally broke me. I don't know what would happen, I don't want to know what would happen." She curled up, pulling her limbs inward. "I hope it never gets to that point..." She turned her head and stared out the window of the car, looking at the other cars in the garage. She whispered, faintly. "Maybe it already has..."

She turned back to RJ. "Does that answer your question?"

[Un-Persona†]

R.J. nodded along to the things Maddie said, about not wanting to think of this place, not wanting to die. He had thought about those things too, after all. He just wasn't expecting her to be so open about it.

When she asked if R.J.'s question was answered, he continued to nod, never really looking at Maddie.

"Um, yeah, it did."

Really, he was at a loss of words at this point. There probably wasn't any way he could make her feel better anyhow. He looked out into the night as he left the silence between them alone.

What did it really mean for when you get broken? You can't go on, you lose it, you hate everything, you cause harm to those around you. That's what he thought it meant. Did that mean people were already broken? He still wasn't sure anybody on this place was bad, not really. Even after having run into Stacy yesterday, and then hearing she had killed two people today, he couldn't imagine her as bad, the way she seemed so worried about Miles. That meant she wasn't all bad, didn't it?

"Or maybe I'm just dumb."

He couldn't really justify anything that he had heard happened, about the murders or who committed them. It's not like this was new to him. SOTF had been around for a long time. 7 years ago, 2005. He was only 11, maybe even 10. Wouldn't it be dumb in trying to say all of those weren't bad, that everybody was just an unfortunate victim? Maybe it was easier for him to be told that then and believe, but he couldn't do that now, he was here.

He couldn't say he was only a victim now either, after Lauren. It would be disgusting.

"I don't think it'd be okay for me to go back home anymore."

[VoltTurtle]

"Would it really be okay for any of us to go home?"

Maddie said that statement quietly, pausing for a brief moment after.

"In order to leave this place in the first place... you have to kill at least one other person." She put her feet down and leaned over to grab a bit of bread from her bag. "That makes anyone who leaves here, no matter who it is, a murderer. Just like... just like... you and I." She paused and looked at the floor, she still didn't like the fact that she was a murderer, but continuing to deny it to herself wasn't going to get her anywhere.

"I don't think it's okay for me to go home anymore, either, but if at least one murderer has to go home... why not me? I... want to survive after all." She nibbled on her bread. Truth be told, she wasn't sure if she wanted to go home anymore, to be the one survivor of the game. It could easily be too much for her to bear.

But even so, she still wasn't about to just give up and die. "That's the way I see it, at least." She put her bread away.

She looked out at the night sky, then back at the floor. She blinked. "Do I deserve to survive over anyone else? I don't think so. But I want to at least try." Why did she want to survive anyway? She didn't have any real reason. No more of a real reason than anyone else. The answer was that she simply had the selfish desire for a few more minutes of life, every few minutes at a time.

She looked at RJ from the corner of her eye. "Does that make any sense?"

[Un-Persona†]

"Yeah, that makes sense."

His voice instantly became grave.

"Why not me, eh? Why not me..."

In truth, there weren't a lot of options of still sticking around that didn't involve some form of what she said. Didn't mean he liked it.

"I couldn't deal with it, living off this place. I'd probably go into hiding like one of the guys who actually did, and I just...can't. Not after what I did. That's not living, not to me."

...

"I want to try living a little while longer too though, I get that. I don't think, when it's all over, I'll end up in a good place. But even when it comes time, I think I still want it to be here, not some time after this. I'm scared...but also impatient, I guess."

...

"Why do you think we're still together? This...whatever, it's not gonna go on till the end."

[VoltTurtle]

Maddie sat there silently. She didn't know what to say to that. Even if RJ just said what they were both thinking, she didn't know how to respond. She had grown to like RJ as they'd been together. He was nice and was good company. His presence had kept her from going too crazy. If she had to continue to be here she didn't want her time with RJ to end, despite the rather dangerous run-ins with others, she felt safe with him and she didn't want that to change.

She supposed that she could just tell him that. "I know it can't go on but... I actually feel pretty safe with you. Knowing I can rely on another person to help me out, and all."

She looked down at the floor. "I've also sorta grown to like you over the time we've spent together, you're amiable and all around pretty cool."

She paused and looked up, considering what to say next. "I don't know what happened with you and Lauren, but however it happened I don't think you did it entirely on purpose. The terrorists spin things so as to convince us to fight each other, heck, they can even convince us to fight with ourselves, making our crimes seem even worse than they are."

She stopped, stuck on her last phrase. "Sorta like what they said about me and Nina..."

She looked back at the floor. "Ech, that was sorta a tangent. Sorry."

She lightly bit the end of her tongue. "I guess I just want to say... I know it can't last forever, but as long as the both of us are alive I don't see why not, right? Look out for each other until the bitter end?"

[Un-Persona†]

Safe. Out of everything, that stuck him the most. Lauren, fight, like, crimes, amiable, rely, help, me, Nina, forever, alive, other, bitter...

And there was still safe.

In his mind, there was resentment. As he looked at Maddie, there was regret. But again, those two have always been there with him, just now they grew and took different shapes. Maddie looked to R.J., genuine thankfulness in her voice and desperation on her face. So now, it made no surprise of why she felt safe. Also now was the way R.J. turned his eyes to the bags. Knife. Gun. He turned his back towards Maddie, his eyes finally falling to an end.

"That's nice...I'm happy you feel safe."

And now, finally, there was the dark and fear. His knees curled into his chest, shoulders and head lowering themselves and tightening. His hands had found themselves covering his ears, his eyes shut so tight it made him see spots under his eyelids. There was static in his head as the drums were going silent and the thunder was vanishing. What he was doing was simple.

Maddie wanted to live more then he did. She had said she wanted him to stay till the bitter end, so she had to know he'd have to die if that was what it came to. His shoes rattled against the car door, wanting to run away. His hands clenched harder on to his ears, a ringing sound flowing into his mind. When the bang came, he didn't want to hear it. When he was bleeding, he didn't want to feel it.

Through all of this, he knew this was always a possibility.

This is what he had prayed for.


"Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I should die before I wake,

Bless me Lord my soul to take."


He was burning.

[VoltTurtle]

Maddie looked over at RJ to see that he seemed to be having some sort of panic attack. She reached over, her hand close to his shoulder. "RJ? Are you alright?" She placed her hand on his shoulder. He didn't seem to notice. "RJ? What's wrong?" She didn't know what to do, he obviously seemed to be having difficulties. Perhaps some fresh air would do him good. She leaned over and reached past him to roll the window down. The wind blew into the car a bit, but it was weaker than it had been earlier.

RJ was still curled up, clenched. She wasn't sure exactly what was going on and what RJ needed, but she wanted to help any way that she could. "Do you need any water?" She asked him. "Or food? Or is it a sudden headache that's ailing you? I could get the painkillers from the first aid kit." He didn't say anything. He just remained curled up. "RJ... please. I'm worried. Say something."

And he did say something, although it was muffled and she didn't quite catch exactly what he said. She felt some relief, it wasn't something too serious, at the very least. She guessed he just needed his space. "Well, um, if you need anything, feel free to ask. I can help you with whatever you need."

With that she drew her limbs inward and placed her head on the headrest of the car seat. It was getting late, they should both probably sleep soon, so as to be as alert as possible tomorrow.

She yawned, feeling the cool breeze from the open window as her eyelids grew heavy.

[Un-Persona†]

The hand was on his shoulder, it's grip tightening as she drawed closer, R.J. feeling her loom over.

Stopped breathing.

Air brushed his hair gently. He opened his eyes, and Maddie's hand left him. R.J.'s hands left his ears and fell wayward in front of his face, not sure what they were doing anymore. She asked him to say something, anything. Just so she could stop worrying.

"I'm so-...I'm fine...something."

She said a few more words, and he could hear her turn over to sleep. He buried the side of his face into the leather seat, fingers wrapping themselves around each other and lifting it to his head and finding curls of hair to twirl around.

He had time to think now. Even as he shuttered, he knew that it was only pain he felt. The wind now seemed soothing in comparison. His hands slid down his face and stopped as they made it to his lips. His teeth sunk themselves into one of his fingers, silently going deeper till they punctured just deep enough for a thin trail of blood to flow out.

Only a small amount of pain.

He wiped what was left of the blood on the outside of the car door, letting his hand dangle for just a couple of seconds. It hadn't stopped bleeding, and his hand felt clammy, but it wasn't something that was bothering him. Once again, his hands clasped together in a prayer position.

"...And so I ask for forgiveness in the fainting faith I have for my friends and enemies, with each thought of doubt troubling those around me...and I ask for my tendency to ask you for things when they turn dire to also be forgiven..."

With a small sneeze, R.J. fell asleep.

~*~

The announcement was his alarm, R.J. stretching naturally as he woke up and felt the soreness from sleeping on the chairs.

He yawned and sniffled as he grabbed his bag, wanting some food.

R.J. shook his head as he remembered what he had thought during the night, unraveling one of his ration bars and then chewing on it.

"These still taste like shit."

He grabbed his map, looking where they were at in case they needed to dip out if this place became a Danger Zone. Which it did. A long with a truckload of other places too. They were at the Nuclear Plant, which meant they had to go through the living site, the airstrip, or the woods to get anywhere...which were also all Danger Zones. Which meant they needed to go now.

"We ain't got any time to waste, gogogogogo!"

((Rutherford "R.J." Roger Jr: B032 -V5- Continued In Dreams Walk On Powerlines))

[VoltTurtle]

Maddie's eyes continuously grew heavy as she sat there. She wanted to stay awake a bit longer, to make sure that RJ was going to be okay, but her eyes shut from the exhaustion and she fell asleep shortly.

---

Maddie awoke with a start.

Another nightmare. She sighed. Her sleep was getting less and less restful as time went on in this place. She saw RJ awake shortly after her. He seemed to be alright, she was glad.

She was also hungry. She opened her bag about the same time RJ opened his and pulled out the tin of crackers from yesterday. She cracked it open and ate a few of the crackers. They were stale, but they didn't taste odd, they tasted like regular stale crackers, so she wasn't about to worry.

RJ said something just before the announcements came on. She would've responded, but she wanted to listen. More dead, of course, almost as much as yesterday. She would've thought that the rate of people dying would've decreased by now, given how many people have already died. There should be less fighting and less death because of it. She supposed that worrying about the logic of a death game is sort of pointless and went back to eating the crackers.

Then she heard the DZ announcements. A bunch of permanent danger zones. And she was in one of them. Surrounded by them even. She heard RJ urge her to get moving and she did, throwing her things back into her bag and quickly zipping it up before following RJ and running out of the garage and into the open.

((Madeline Wilcox continued in Dreams Walk On Powerlines))