What position would your kid play in Basketball?

[Applesintime]

Let's do Gregory

[The Honeless Beard]

Do Gabriela Garcia-Campos

Scouting Report: Gabriela is undersized and underweight to play basketball, but this only serves as fuel for her intensity. Her decision making under pressure makes for an excellent on-ball scorer, and her low-to-the-ground stature makes her terrible defensively but awesome at keeping her handle. She drives to the lane, careens into players, and throws up layups with aplomb. She also doesn't pass - she's a pure scorer accused of hero ball by her teammates. She doesn't care - basketball isn't a team sport.

Analysis: Gabriela is a 1 guard running point, but she's also a team of 1 when she's on the court. Opposing defenses learn to force her to pass and watch as she refuses and allows for an easy strip of the ball.

Signature shot: Jumping towards the hoop, keeping the ball away from defenders, and lobbing it to the rack.

Standard statline: 15-0-0 on 31 shots.

[Yonagoda]

Can I doubledip and give you Leah, who existentially dreads basketball

[The Honeless Beard]

Oh what the hell, why not throw in Danielle Baumgartner

Scouting Report: I should've realized how many short girls I'd be doing in this thread but I never think anything through. Danielle is on the smaller end but has a giant chip on her shoulder with how she's treated by classmates, and if basketball is her outlet (and we're ignoring setting here) as opposed to flight school/gymnastics, she's been playing since she was 8. Danielle is among the most athletic players we've done in the thread - great on defense because of flexibility and speed, great ability to recover - and is probably adept at finishing in traffic. Where she suffers some is her assist totals - she's not a pass-first guard, and when she does pass it's likely as a result of a slash-and-kick.

Analysis: So if this was a true high school team, Danielle would be a 1, but that's boring. I like her as a 3 - small forward - because of her ability to defend guards and her offensive firepower coming from driving the hoop. With Danielle on the court you're giving up a size mismatch on defense but you're going to score a lot of buckets.

Signature shot: A running 8 foot floater that usually swooshes home.

Standard statline: 17-1-4, with most assists coming off of broken plays.

[Fenrir]

Sure, let's throw Akeno in here. Since she won Naft's basketball bracket thing.

[Aster]

So sorry to keep throwing short kings at you but here, take a gander at Caleb "P-Carp" Policarpio

[The Honeless Beard]

Kaya

Scouting Report: Kaya is a bona-fide all-around player. Hand-eye ball coordination for rebounding due to volleyball, long limbs for defense and verticality/lateral movement, good stamina and strength conditioning. Footwork is also really elite due to experience with fencing. While I can't see Kaya as a good outside threat, she seems competitive enough to expand her game to three point shooting in order to win. Kaya fills a role on the court, doing what the team needs to succeed.

Analysis: Kaya is a swing position at the 3, but likely flexes out to guard depending on team need. She sets hard screens on offense and can stick with her defensive matchup in one-on-one games. Kaya is an elite rebounder and finishes strongly around the rim, a swiss-army knife of a player.

Signature shot: Backing her defender down with two quick dribbles, faking one way, spinning the other to score.

Standard statline: 20-12-3 with a steal and two blocks.

[Ohm]

Double-dipping with Zoe Walker.

[The Honeless Beard]

I'd be curious to see your take on Jay Harland.

Scouting Report: Jay's not an impressive size at 5'6" and 140lbs, but has good footwork due to soccer and an elite defensive ability due to his lateral movement. Jay is adept at guarding other guards, jumping passing lanes and tipping loose balls, and is mostly known for his ability to convert hustle plays in his team's favour. It's like he turns invisible - one moment he's not there, the next he's poking the ball away and flinging it to a teammate for a breakaway layup. He's working on his 3 pointers, but is an average shooter.

Analysis: Jay's gonna be a 2 guard defensive specialist, and as such is likely our 7th man on the bench. He's the dude you bring in to lock up a hot hand and can knock down open shots.

Signature shot: Open look jumpshot that he doesn't even watch to see if it goes in - he hustles back on Defense.

Standard statline: 6-2-2 with 2 loose ball takeaways, 2/3 from deep, and 1 steal.

[The Honeless Beard]

also gimme the deets for Bunny Barlowe

Scouting Report: Every team needs a manager, and Bunny knows the teams likes and dislikes. She mostly is too busy helping with the play to compete, but she watches games and cheers loudly. Technically she's the 13th bench player but, I mean, come on.

Analysis: Bunny has the perfect build to support her teammates.

Signature shot: "Come on, Ref, are you blind?"

Standard statline: Great at patting backs and excellent conversationalist.

[The Honeless Beard]

Let's do Gregory

Scouting report: Gregory has some basic athleticism but is another of the short king squad. Where Gregory makes up some ground on the competition is that he's a pretty good teammate, easily making chemistry connections with his point guards. This results in Gregory getting some shot opportunities with his only shot - a one-legged step back.

Analysis: Gregory likely operates in the same sphere Karen does - a 3rd string guard that sees 7 minutes of playing time or so. We'll slot him at the 2 and call it a shooting guard.

Signature shot: One legged stepback that makes him look like a tiny bee with a stinger out.

Stat line: 5-0-1 with 35% FG and some good fouls.

[The Honeless Beard]

Can I doubledip and give you Leah, who existentially dreads basketball

Scouting Report: Nobody was around anymore from where it first started. From when the Gods pointed to their flaming rings and whispered that the world was shattered without Game. Those lucky enough to be born with Game elevated to Stardom, where they could battle against the Gods for their right to walk the Hall. Those without Game were turned away, cursed by the ones who could not abide Game. They were forced to walk on upturned shells with feet bare, wincing with each step as they inched ever closer towards death.

Analysis: Earthwalkers earn no Discussion from Media. They walk on shells.

Signature shot: Are we alone here? Have the Gods abandoned us souls without Game?

Standard statline: Distant screaming can be heard.

[The Honeless Beard]

Sure, let's throw Akeno in here. Since she won Naft's basketball bracket thing.

Scouting Report: Akeno is athletic and fast, with good footwork and a great range. She has verticality and the ability to stick with her defensive assignment, and can switch to multiple players on defense. What Akeno most brings to the table is an inside-outside game where she can shoot dagger threes while also taking opponents to the hoop. She's a neutral on defense, able to guard both guard positions but she's truly much better on the offensive end of the ball.

Analysis: Akeno is a slasher, but we're making her a 4 - power forward. She's also a faceup 4, meaning she usually works facing the basket instead of backing her defender down to make a move. She has verticality and toughness to bang down low as well as chase rebounds.

Signature shot: A high flying finger roll for 2 easy points.

Standard statline: 21-10-2 on 66% FG.

[The Honeless Beard]

So sorry to keep throwing short kings at you but here, take a gander at Caleb "P-Carp" Policarpio

Scouting Report: Caleb being 5'2 and 124 limits his abilities drastically, meaning he'd basically need to be fast as lightning with really good hand-eye coordination to have a chance. Normally I'd make concessions for speed, but he's also explicitly out of shape. So Caleb is short and not conditioned and also seems to dislike physical activity of any kind, where do we put him?

Analysis: Caleb shoots a clean game of billiards.

Signature shot: Bouncing the cue off of two walls to sink the 8, corner pocket.

Standard statline: 3-5 shots and he clears the table.

[Yonagoda]

Can I doubledip and give you Leah, who existentially dreads basketball

Scouting Report: Nobody was around anymore from where it first started. From when the Gods pointed to their flaming rings and whispered that the world was shattered without Game. Those lucky enough to be born with Game elevated to Stardom, where they could battle against the Gods for their right to walk the Hall. Those without Game were turned away, cursed by the ones who could not abide Game. They were forced to walk on upturned shells with feet bare, wincing with each step as they inched ever closer towards death.

Analysis: Earthwalkers earn no Discussion from Media. They walk on shells.

Signature shot: Are we alone here? Have the Gods abandoned us souls without Game?

Standard statline: Distant screaming can be heard.

thank u thank u thats exactly what basketball actually is. Wake up sheeple