Outlander

[Lilith]

206.189.87.38

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[+] Today in Belize...

I ate at your father’s restaurant.


I don’t know if it was his, but I talked to him like it was. It was a pleasant experience overall. I think the most exciting part of Belizean cuisine is that it combines many cultures at once, and it reminds me of home.


But what I really loved was the Garifuna cuisine.


Based on his invitation, I attended a workshop to make cassava bread with your father. I wasn’t sure if he recognized me or thought I was just a Garifuna girl trying to connect with her culture, but it was a lot of fun!


From my basic understanding, and this is very basic, it’s made from tapioca starch, and the ereba - another name for cassava bread - is cooked on a flat surface and spun by hand. Chester was incredibly kind after I burnt my finger on the stove. The bread was dried overnight, and we had some from the previous class.


After the workshop, we went for drinks. Chester and I talked in detail about his dead son. He was still using the terminology as if you were possibly alive, and it rubbed me wrong as if what had happened didn't matter.


That night, I gave him the bullet fragments that killed you in an envelope. I think he might have needed that more than I did.


Rest in peace, Dominik. - Outlander[/url]

[Lilith]

45.250.252.153

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[+] Today in Canada...

You survived much longer than I thought for someone with a broken ankle. While watching you struggle, I tried to connect to you on a fundamental level but found myself shooting blanks.

By the point I had started to review your footage, I had already watched half of my competition die through my computer screen my bedroom. But then, I stopped watching them my laptop broke because of Rainbow, so I moved to the common room with my tapes.

Then, everyone started to avoid the common room after that. While it left me alone for quite some time, it meant that I had more time to spend with you before meeting with your family. I have never been someone that played video games, but I told your parents I knew you from the Internet. It was simple, really. Because, in a way, that was the truth. All the connections that tied us together were from that deep dark web that hid beneath the surface of our laptops and computers and phones.

I guess, in a way, that's how I am trying to connect to you. Our phones, our computers, our gadgets and trinkets: as much as they were lifelines, they were also anchors to our fates. Did you know that anybody can track you with your phone if given the right tools? Did you know someone with enough time and enough effort can make sure you would be alone, secluded, with nobody around to help by the way your phone is pinging off others around you?

I learned that recently.

Anyways, I did like the part where you kicked someone in the groin. I would have done the same, but you should have done more. Moving on with your story, I found it quite interesting. You tried your best - without killing anyone, that is - with your situation.

I’m not sure I would have done the same. If I had lost my mobility, I would have called it a day, closed my eyes, and gone down without having much to say.

So, congrats for lasting so long Artie.

[Lilith]

45.77.25.233

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[+] Today in Belize...

Again, I think at this point in my entries, it’s pretty clear what type of players I dislike. I wouldn’t call you a player, but you were still the archetype I disliked.


I hate people who play a social game: we were supposed to kill each other, not toy with them. You weren’t as bad as, I don’t know, Tarren or Jia Li since you did it out of what seemed to be petty and non-offensive amusement rather than a drive for survival.


For the record, I don’t know why I hate these social games so much. I know the game said there were no rules, and we should do whatever we needed to survive, but, fuck, I hate liars. I hate people trying to get a free line to your brain through lies, manipulation, and words.


Maybe it’s the pot-calling-the-kettle-black-ing from me, but this reminds me of my debate club. People never played fair. I did! Well, I tried to. I always shot straight and never missed; I never tried to purposefully fail to make others feel like they had a grip on me before slipping away. I never did these things. I gave my point and my arguments and shared what I needed to win.


So, I lost a lot of debates. I think you would have been good at that.


Now, that’s all out of the way; let’s move to something completely unrelated.


When I was in Belize City, I visited a lot of places. One of my favourite spots was the Le Petit Café. While I was eating a polvorosas, or rather a bucket of them, sipping on my espresso, I read the newspaper. I think it was called the Amandala Newspaper. In any case, the top story of that day was about a body washed up on the shore. I didn’t really read it at first because, well, it was a dead body, and I’ve seen my share of dead bodies. But as I was reading the news at the top, my eyes caught something interesting:


The body was tangled in plastic with the Zurb Ball label fused to the rotten flesh. I didn’t need to read the rest of it.


I think you can make up your mind, Soraya. - Outlander

[Lilith]

23.251.119.153

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[+] Today in Malaysia...

Again, I had to see my stupid face on the TV.


Especially my stupid face asking if people spoke French. I still regret saying that. I should have started playing and not acted like such a floozy.


I originally wanted to escape, you see. I think it wasn’t something I entertained, but it was something I could do. With what I know now, it wasn’t too far off. I could escape, and I think anybody else on the island could have escaped.


Especially because Interpol was precisely forty minutes late picking us up. If we had waited for a little and been patient, we could have made it all together. We just needed to stay and hold out together. We would have faced fatalities and suffering, and I could have possibly died, but the survivors of the version would have been more than zero in the eyes of the public.


In a roundabout way, I think it ties back to you. You didn’t help when I needed it. Nobody did. I still wonder about it as I stare at the cold gray ceiling of my room on the boat.


Why do people like you exist? Why are people capable of letting things happen and washing their hands clean? Is the bystander effect that strong?


It’s embarrassing. I still hate you for leaving when I needed help. You couldn’t have known I was going to drown, but still. I still hate you. I don't think that's going to change.


Maybe that’s one of my fatal flaws.


Malaysia was lovely by the way, Jaxon. - Outlander

[Lilith]

156.59.34.71

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[+] Today in New Zealand...

I think it’s pretty insane that a nurse is against abortion. Like… it’s really… I don’t know the right word; maybe it’s… hypocritical? Why work in healthcare and not like to support the healthcare that you might have to perform on others?


Anyways, that’s what I think. I’ve always been a hypocrite, so it’s OK if I call someone’s mother that, right?


Despite my inner clock telling me to believe in God, I’ve always hated religion. I think it’s just a tool to hurt and harm, and you’ve lived through it firsthand. It’s so sad that you found yourself alienated from your parents. I was terrified that my parents would do the same at that time.


I’ve never been girly; I’ve never liked boys. I’ll never pretend to be anything more than I am, which landed me on this island. Which is the exact reason why you were there.


As the next-highest killer on the island, let’s talk about that now. I think you were being manipulated. Which is, you know, obvious. I don’t think anybody could point out that it was wrong.


You were just a tool until the end, even after the puppeteer had died.


I’m left wondering if you knew this in the end.


Sorry for hating your new God, Caleb. - Outlander

[Lilith]

193.29.107.136

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[+] Today in Australia...

If we had met off the island, we would have been friends. If we had met on the island, I think I would have killed you immediately.


You seemed like a pleasant girl, and we had similar opinions. If we had met in another life, I think I would have even been into you. You were pretty, and you were, you know, just like me.


I’ve never had this sort of feeling toward someone I’ve watched die, so if this is awkward for you, then it’s even more embarrassing for me.


I would have loved to be the one to ‘old yeller’ you. I’ve watched that movie with the crew, my feet tucked under Prodigy. I knew how it ended from the start because of the banter, but I found myself rooting for the doggie to survive. Even as Young Yeller was born, I wondered: will she come back?


And she didn’t. I was hoping this was a new copy where she didn’t bite the dust. And yet, the same thing happened.


Then, I read it again, and then I read it again. Every time, I’m thinking there will be something new, and something different - but nothing happens. It’s the same, over and over, and over again.


I find myself doing the same with you. Rewatching, dissecting, puzzling myself that, while I am here, are you still out there? But in the end, it’s not the case. You’re dead, and I am not.


Next time I watch you, you might survive Katherine. - Outlander

[Lilith]

193.9.33.15

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[+] Today in Singapore...

When I killed you that night with that empty gun: I dreamt about my best friend from home.

Her name is Michelle, and because of our similar names, she used to make jokes about it. She was Michelle - lucky bitch got to keep her name - and I was ‘chelle, and she would say, ‘Say, ‘chelle, what do you think about, I don’t know, this or that,’ and I had to go along with the joke.

I loved her. She was my best friend, and I wish I could say she still is.

She was still there when I got back. I went to see her because I wanted to tell her about what happened on the island before anyone else was told. She saved my life that night because I told her about you in detail. I told her about my dream of her turning into the nightmare that you had been. She looked me straight in the eyes, hugged me and kept me in her bed for the remainder of the night.

That night, they firebombed my home, killing my parents.

In the morning, I saw the news. They were looking for bodies. They had found my mother’s, father’s, and a couple of the neighbors'. I was one of the last ones they were searching for. They assumed I was dead.

They still do.

I used this opportunity to make a new life, to do this. To continue to observe, look around, and be something I wanted to be from the start. An artist of some sort, someone who creates from the pre-existing. I guess wanting to be a culture vulture has never been the dream of many girls, but I guess, to me, it was.

I don’t like owing this to you, Zander.

[Lilith]

149.248.62.174

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[+] Today in Malaysia

Hey Nutboy.


I didn’t think you’d die so quickly.


When I beat someone to death, it took a while. It was hard. I did it, and it took everything from me and more. But with you? You die in what seems to be an instant. You got hit over the head, saw what I presume was darkness, and never opened your eyes again?


That was easy.


I’m jealous. I wish I could have killed like that. I wish killing was so simple. Don’t get me wrong, killing is easy, but the physical act? It’s hard. It’s demanding; it’s taxing. It takes a while, and once you’re done, you find yourself out of breath and wanting to vomit from the exertion.


Killing someone with your hands isn’t something I recommend. Guns are simpler.


But for you to die so quickly was a grace for Austin. I can imagine you, laying on the floor, your skull split open and your eye-popping out, gasping for air. You would beg for your life, struggling, wriggling like a worm, wanting out despite never being the same if you made it out alive.


You didn’t do that.


I’m both disappointed - and glad.


You probably had the death I would have wanted the most, Harun. - Outlander

[Lilith]

45.138.86.90

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[+] Today in Nigeria

I never believed in ghosts until I landed on the island.


Now? It’s complicated.


Are ghosts real? I don’t know. Is the energy? Yes.


What we’ve done on this Earth continues long after we’ve passed. The feelings, the exertion, the suffering, and the happiness linger on. It stays. It taints. It remains, and it follows.


You followed me after your death, Matthew. I still feel you, watching, lingering. I don’t know why your end sticks to me; I don’t understand why it’s the one I have nightmares about.


I see myself stabbing you with the trishula, hurting you, on top of you, stabbing you again and again as your body writhes in pain.


And then, I’ll see you. I see you behind me. I see you in my reflection. I see you standing on my ankles, waiting and watching. I see you seeing me, but I don’t see you.


Why do you have to do this, Matthew? Why you? Jack told me that killing in close-quarter is harder, but I don't get it. I didn’t know you. I’ll never know you.


When I put your footage together, Matthew, I thought it would end, but it only worsened. I only found myself more scared and warier. People at the office joke about it, but when I put down the captions of me muttering to myself in my sleep on the island, I can still see you standing behind me.


I can feel you right now.


Are you there?


Are you still there after all these years, Matthew? - Outlander

[Lilith]

200.25.47.114

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[+] Today in Cyprus...

You are another one I wished I had killed.


You watched me drown, and what did you do? You stood there awkwardly like you were watching someone ask for a dance, and they rejected it.


I hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate your hair, your music, and your public speaking. The recordings of them that I found suck. Your pathetic, and you’re a loser, and I hate you.


I hate you, Philia. I hate you.


Let’s talk about your little sister now that’s out of the way.


Chyrissa is a mess right now. She seems broken, like one of those birds you keep in cages for too long and forget how to fly. Is it genetic to be pathetic? Is this something your family taught you and your siblings?


You aren’t supposed to stay broken after being shattered: you are supposed to pick yourself back up, stick yourself with something like Krazy Glue and become something more.


I hate people wasting their life for someone else. At the end of the day, the most important person is yourself, and now, your sister is becoming like you. She’s wasting her life over you. She’s wasting her life over something broken, over someone dead.


At least your country was lovely to visit, Philia. - Outlander

[Lilith]

212.44.120.11

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[+] Today in Wales...

The campfire was the last moment on the island when I wanted people to work together.


This was the last opportunity for us to do something about our situation. We had less than twenty hours remaining before the rescue came, and if we had organized then and there, we might have all been together by the end.


It’s not like I could have spoken my intentions of a safe haven, and plus I killed someone mere seconds after it went to shit. But Austin, would you have wanted to survive anyway?


You were especially dejected with life in the end. You had given up. You were throwing your life away simply to do what? Help Jen survive, make sure she lived until she didn’t?


Austin, I don’t think you were meant to be in the game when I’m looking at the files. Apparently, they were watching someone else, and that person, a girl with a penchant for sharp items, had a hunting trip to the Netherlands.


You just had to be the unlucky draw.


Your parents and your siblings received your letters.


I gave it to them myself. They were surprised, but last I heard, it helped them to move on.


I visit your grave sometimes, Austin. - Outlander

[Lilith]

185.181.103.21

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[+] Today in the United Kingdom...

I’ll start with the bad news: your hometown is vacant. It’s a dying town. Everything closed down, people moved out, your parents are gone, and nobody in this podunk really cares about it anymore.


The good news: your parents moved on. They’re happy. They’re calm. They’re at peace with what happened. They still look back to you with fondness and happiness despite everything that had happened on the island.


I respect you, Lex, for landing a shot on me. I still have the scars, and the doctors say I’ll keep the shrapnel inside my body forever since extracting it might result in more harm than good.


If you had shot me straight, you would have exploded my liver. Instead of that, I survived with pieces of metal inside of me. Thank God for trees, am I right?


Anyways, I don’t think you were a bad person, Lex. I think you were hurt and broken and finding your pieces to build yourself back up in the worst place possible. I relate to that. I did the same. I am doing the same.


I’m just sad I’ll never see you stitched up together.


Complete.


Whole.


Did you get what you wanted in Heaven, Lex? - Outlander

[Lilith]

82.102.22.24

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[+] Today in Malta...

How does it feel to have someone die for you, Clara?

Clara, did you feel the weight of your actions and responsibility when Lex died? Was that something that crossed your mind? Did you think, ‘god damn it, this is because of me,’ or was he just a tool to play with? With how nicely I’m treating you, you can assume I’m leaning toward the former.

I like to think you felt terrible. I want to believe that this wasn’t meant to be. If you were the final two, I think you could have survived long enough to have been rescued. I guess you could have stalled. Interpol was literally forty minutes away when I shot and killed you.

It’s terrifying to think about, you know.

We were so close to freedom.

All of us.

We could have made it, but I chose to end things before they got there. If I had known, I would have stopped, and I would have made sure that all of us would have worked together.

They even had things to remove the collars. That’s how they removed mine. It didn’t even make a noise.

By the way, Clara, I have to wear hats because of the bald spot you gave to me. - Outlander

[Lilith]

146.70.37.181

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[+] Today in South Africa...

I liked you.

I liked your grit. I liked how you fought. I liked how you dressed.

Editing your footage was pleasant. I was never bored, despite having lived some of it multiple times by this point. I’m still sad that you had to work with Philia. I still find myself hating her for a moment.

Now, you might wonder why I don’t hate you. And that’s a reason I don’t feel like explaining. I just like you, Ajay, and I only liked you more when I went to South Africa and got kidnapped again.

They were pleasant, by the way. They were looking for you, and they recognized me. I told them about what I knew, about you, and I wasn’t sure if they respected or feared me. I think it was a little mixture of both.

I spent a week with my captors, talking and meeting them. They originally wanted to hold me hostage to get a ransom. But at some point, I became the weird mute girl hanging out and drinking their booze, and I think they enjoyed my company.

My friends came and saved me. It was embarrassing, but I wasn’t hurt. If anything, it gave me an idea for once I got back home.

So once I got back on the boat, I finally sat down and compiled the footage of everyone into a movie. Everyone’s got their little segment, their own moment, and I wanted to capture it and keep it whole.

Do you like being my lead actor, Ajay?

[Lilith]

23.90.184.6

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[+] Today in Fiji...

You were never going to win, were you?


I don’t want to sound mean or conceited, but you didn’t have it in you. To win, you must want it, and I don’t think an inch of you wanted to go back home after everything you had done.


I get that, I guess. I never went back ‘home.’ I instead chose to lie to Interpol, fake my own death, and then go back with the ones that broke me down.


So, in other news, let’s talk about the Fiji Islands.


I traveled there during my work on the movie. I needed a place that was mine, and I found it in an apartment that I rented using my stipend from the terrorists. In this home, I edited, cut down, manipulated, fabricated and finally, released what is now known as a snuff film. I hate that term for my piece.


It’s less a snuff film and more a celebration of people’s life and death. Things happened on the island, Jen, and I want these things to be known and seen. I don’t want them to be hidden; I don’t want them to be hard to find. I want them all in the same place, all together. Now we have that, and everyone’s fate is all known and clear.


The families have your bodies, but now, they can go see what happened to you. Jen, they can see everything you’ve done, isn’t that great? They can see you weren’t a monster. They can see you tried your best even if you were never going back.


And they can see that you saved someone who didn’t deserve to be helped in the end.


Sorry, Jen, for eclipsing your sacrifice. - Outlander