There is the sea, great and broad

[Applesintime]

((Anthony Golden continued from Go for Broke))

Well, his clothes were dry now, so that was a plus. He had holed up in a room in the cruise ship, taken his clothes off and left them to dry, took a shower, and then waited. Of course, he had to add the new names to his scorecard. There were so many of them. Nadine, Luanne, and then the new ones who would be probably popping up on the announcement that night. It was tiring. So many fucking killers, so many on his list, and yet he couldn't get any of them. They all had guns and what did he have? A measly goddamn axe. It was better than a plank, but man, he wishes he could have found a gun. Did it belong to Kurt, or the other guy who was tied to the cart beneath him? What the fuck had actually happened there?

And now it was time for the announcements. As Ritzy Daggers started to talk, Anthony started to update his list of players. He had started to add the kill totals for everyone, as well. Seo-yun had five now. She was closer than he would have liked to that release. And here he was, sitting around doing nothing about it but updating a list like he was some gambler. He wanted to go out there, do something. But he needed to know. He needed to know who had to be on the opposite side of his axe.

Mariko Whitney. Gabby. Junji. Sofia Kowalski. Gregory Miller, and Ivan. He had expected there to be new names, of course. But he didn't expect Leah to show up on the announcements, not as a killer, at the least. He paused when he heard her name for a second, and then continued writing. Her name wasn't on the list. It had been, but then he had scrawled it out. Then he had written it down, stopped halfway, and now he was staring at it. This was so incredibly fucking tedious, so fucking tiring, to plan who you're going to be killing and why they need to die. She stabbed someone to death. That's not an accident. But, fuck, he didn't want to kill her. He didn't want to kill anyone, but Beau had asked him, and Pippi was a player.

Why the fuck should it be different for her?

What was so special about Leah fucking Hemingway, that his brain was finding it hard to cope with the idea of killing her? Was it the fact that they were the last of the alligator gang? No. He knew what it was, but that didn't matter now. Nadine was on his list. Matias was on his list. A lot of friends was on his list. Leah was no different, a player like the rest, the wicked that God would hunt down and punish. It didn't fucking matter what they had been before, friends, occasional classmates, what he had felt about her, because all that fucking went away when she murdered someone. She revoked that right. She revoked the right to his friendship, his sympathy, when she murdered Rebecca Roberts.

At least, that's what he was telling himself. What he was trying, and failing, to convince himself of. It didn't work.

It didn't matter.

Her name found itself at the bottom of the page. And then the notebook fell to the floor, and Anthony buried his hands in his face, thinking. Seo-yun, Leah, Nadine, they were all fucking paigons, false friends. What had he done? Been friends with them, listened to them, and then they turned around and fucking stabbed him in the back by playing. It was like a right fucking kick in the head. It wasn't his fault that they had done it. But it was his responsibility to put them down. There would be no winners from among the numbers of players. He would make sure of it.

After a while, he picked the notebook up and put it back in his backpack. It was another announcement cycle, which meant that he could talk to Ben again. He had something he wanted to ask.

"Ben, uh... Am I.." He closed his mouth, eyes closed, thinking. He didn't fucking know what he wanted to say. Sure, he knew he had to ask, but he didn't know how to word it. His brain was scrambled, he was tired, and he just wanted to fucking go home and sleep in his bed. But no, a bunch of cunts had decided that he, amongst what, the few hundred at least, in Mangrove Garden, was to be picked for the latest televised snuff film? He should have stayed in London. It would be so much easier to protest against it, have a lovely little march or something, when he didn't know anyone from it, when they were just unfortunate Americans that he only knew from SOTF-TV. It was a lot easier when you didn't know them.

"Am I a bad person, Ben? Because, when I- when I fucking bashed Pippi's head in, I didn't fucking feel anything! I just fucking felt satisfied, that she wasn't going to fucking hurt anyone again, that she wasn't going to be playing anymore, but... I dunno, I should have fucking felt something then, but now it's all just fucking kicking in now! These are people! WE are fucking people! We are not fucking characters or whatever! And, and maybe she was playing, but... I don't fucking know, Ben! There are so many of these fucking players running around, the fucking assholes, and I can't do shit about it because I have a shitty stupid cunt of an axe, and they have guns and swords and knives and shit and I can't exactly fucking go up against that when I am not exactly happy about the idea of dying on a shitty fucking TV show!"

Deep breaths. He hadn't meant to spill that all out at once. But it's what had happened, and it might be for the best.

"Look, I just... I'm in the right, aren't I? These players, they need to die. That's... All those who... Fuck, uh... Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for God made man in his own image. That's it. They're the wicked, and they kill, so they must be killed." It didn't matter how he felt, it was God's plan. They were people, first and foremost, but they wanted to be characters. They wanted to live forever off the blood they spilt, and he would not let them. No matter what. It was easier when he saw it that way.

"I'll, uh, shut up and let you talk."

[Rattlesnake]

"Hey, Anthony.

"There really are players everywhere you turn, huh? Absolutely everywhere." There is a brief pause.

"You think you'd come looking for me if I were in your season?

"You don't have to give an answer. You're the one who needs 'em right now. It's just, you know who you're talking to. And you wanna bring God into it, you know, my classmates have a bit more direct line to Him than I do right now. And I'm the reason for some of them. So, you wanna ask if you're a good person or not, I don't know if you're really, truly expecting me to give you better than a 'Fuck no' if I think you need to keep your chin up, or a 'Fuck yes' if I'm trying to light a fire under your ass. Which I'll certainly give you if I think you'd be satisfied, but I don't think you really would.

"So let's start simple: You didn't ask to be here. I don't think you need permission to feel or think or act a certain way."

[Applesintime]

Ben chimed in, but it didn't really help all so much. Would he come looking for Ben if he had been in his season? Probably. The same for Jewel, and whoever the fuck they had as mentors who had survived the hellshow before. It wasn't anything personal, it was just how it was. If Karen or Jewel or Ben had been in his sights, if they were here murdering people, no doubt he would have them on his list. But that didn't change anything. Ben mentioning, however, that he didn't ask to be here, lit a fire up under his ass.

"No. No, I'm not the bad guy here. I didn't ask to be here. I- The blame for that is on the fucking producers and the people who picked me out from god knows how many they had the go to pull out for this sick fucking game. The land of the free, they call this country." Anthony rose from his seat, starting to pace around the cabin. "Free? Free to do what? You immigrate here, you do nothing wrong, be a model goddamn citizen, and all you're free to do is watch helplessly as your son or daughter is taken from your home or their school to be put on the equivalent of a snuff film broadcast across the world? That's fucking bullshit! None of us here, we would have never killed anyone. But this game puts us in that position, and it's, it's all because the fucking... people who watch this show want it. This country was built on freedom, Ben. What the fuck happened to it? The Founding Fathers would be turning in their fucking graves.

"So no. I'm not the bad guy. Maybe I'm not the good guy, but I'm not going to throw away my goddamn morals and start murdering innocent people just because I want to win. Pippi murdered someone, even if it was only a technicality. Beau... Beau asked me to. He was no player, he should still be alive, but if it was the choice between a peaceful death with me and a painful one with any of the other players hanging around here, then that's the best one." He sighed, sitting back down on the chair with a creak. And you know, maybe he should ask why. Why they killed. But it was hard, because it wasn't exactly easy to have a polite conversation with someone trying to shoot you.

"Ben, do you think I could win this? Well, everyone has a chance to win, that's what this bloody show is all about, but do you think I have a decent chance at this?" He had to ask. The idea of winning wasn't particularly one that tempted him, but he wanted to go home, and he'd take being able to do so, even if he had to become the winner of Season 67 to see Mum and Dad one more time.

[Rattlesnake]

"Far as I'm concerned, you've already answered that. You know what you're about, yeah? Most kids don't make it half as far as you. Not half, not nearly fuckin' half. And I'm not talking about the numbers game. You're thinking, you're feeling, you're planning. You're asking some pretty deep questions. Where most people arrive at is, 'Gee I hope I don't get shot.' That's how they live and that's how they die, 'cause it turns out bullets don't really care how hard you hope at 'em and they don't sit around waiting for you to tie off your character arc or whatever.

"So are you gonna win? It's long fuckin' odds and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But you've had your big moments of figuring out what the fuck you're doing. And that's my own experience, that's what it took, that's what worked out for me. Sure, you're gonna go looking for some pretty dangerous characters and I'm not gonna pretend that's the best plan to keep up your shelf life, but you gotta all-in on something. What ends up really mattering in the end can just be whoever hesitates more, and since you've gotten to think about it you'll know why that can't be you."

[Applesintime]

"Yeah. That... that makes sense, yeah. I'm not a good guy, maybe, but I'm not bad. I'm not going around murdering innocent people because I want to live, I'm going to fucking kill players who do nothing but go around, shoot, kill, all that bad shit. Maybe I'll die, but you know what, Ben? I think I'll have better chances of living if I go out and hunt the threat rather than just sit on my arse hoping I make it out through the grace of God." And it was true. He'd rather die on his feet, trying to make a difference, than die sitting down, constantly oohing and ahhing about what he wanted to do. Like Ben said, he couldn't hesitate. There would be a time and a place for thinking about the morality of his actions. It wasn't here, though.

"No hesitation. I'm probably not going to get the ten, I'm not aiming for the ten, and Seo-yun's already close. And as much as I would love to kill her, she has a gun, and I don't. Actually, speaking of Seo-yun..." Anthony had been keeping an eye on the player and team kill counts since last night, and Seo-yun had five. There were only two teams with more than five. The Crabs. And the Krakens. She wasn't a Crab, so she had to be a Kraken. It was the only thing that made sense, because Ben certainly wasn't gonna lie about having the most prolific killer on their team.

"Where can I find a dead Kraken? What do their bandanas look like? Seo-yun's one, and the only fucking way I get anywhere resembling close to her without being sent to Heaven is through deception. I have, uh, a Jewel bandana and whatever the fuck Pippi had on her. Steph? I don't know if those are Krakens, and I dunno if you can even tell me without breaking the rules, but fuck the rules, Ben. Justice matters more than your contract." And it wasn't like this was all Ben had. He had his Character, B3N, the person who was obsessed with the number three. It was a sad, sad, sad thing, but it was who he was now, and Anthony wasn't gonna do anything about it.

A part of him wondered, if he won, would he become a Character?

He pushed that part of him down. There was a time and a place. He couldn't think about that, because he might start hesitating, too worried about who he might be, and then it would all come crumbling down like a shoddy house of cards. He was doing the right thing, and he couldn't think otherwise. It was hard, he didn't enjoy this, but someone had to do it. Someone had to take out the trash, kill the killers, make sure there's someone around who cares for the people here who are innocent, doesn't just see them as an easy ticket home, an easy ticket to fame.

[Rattlesnake]

"Know what also matters is being allowed to check in on you again. I get too helpful, someone upstairs might decide you're set on knowledge for the rest of your life, you know?

"But you may find some items of interest...

"...one right back where you came from, funny how that works. Might be another helpful individual catching rays deckside on your way there. One more you can reach right now, but the precise location I can give is 'somewhere in the general mess of boats around the middle of the place,' so good fuckin' luck with that one. They're dark red, by the way, which unfortunately is gonna blend in a bit.

"Now we're super out of time here, but, Anthony? Not everyone's down to help their kids do this kinda shit. I just... Tell me all about it later, alright?"

[Applesintime]

Back where he came from. Someone 'catching rays deckside'. Someone in the general clusterfuck. And dark red bandanas. Kurt had a red bandana on, didn't he? Shit, he should have grabbed that when he could, because he wasn't going to willingly hop in the dead body water again. Sure, he'd start floating at some point, but Anthony didn't have that sort of time. Trying to find a dead body in this maze of boats, jetties and water would be like trying to find a dark red needle in a haystack. Deckside. Maybe on the deck of one of the bigger boats? He'd never been good at riddles.

"Noted. Cheers, Ben. That's a big help. Might be the key to taking down that vapid bitch and her little kill count. I think I get what you mean. So, yeah, I'll go over and grab that as soon as I can. And then, we hopefully won't have to worry about Seo-yun much longer after." His hand reached up to scratch at his cheek, feeling the stubble idly. He'd been pretty clean-shaven when he came in here. What would he look like after this? Shit, would it go on long enough that he had a beard or something like that? Maybe he'd have to finally try and go at himself with one of those manual razors.

Picking up the axe, he examined it. It seemed like a big change, to think about winning this show, to going home. But he had already changed in the most major way, hadn't he? The two kills under his belt proved that. He just had to commit. That's all he needed to do. Find his path and stick with it to the bitter fucking end, no matter if it took him to the last one standing or a corpse lying on the jetty. First one would be a lot more palatable, though.

"I'll tell you all about it, don't worry. Hopefully, we can do it face to face."

He adjusted his hat slightly, and walked off into the darkness.

((Anthony Golden continued in The Jarvis Method))