((Content warning: allusions to mental health issues, ableism, and suicide. Will tag for extra stuff if needed.))
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Mary sits down in front of the camera and adjusts herself for some time. She is visibly wearing a turtleneck with a large hole in the chest area, a pink plaid skirt, and white stockings; many analysts have noted that this was her assigned fanservice outfit. She is, however, wearing most of her accessories from her starting outfit. After about roughly two minutes, she pulls her oar onto her lap and begins talking. Leo and Genevieve are visibly not in shot.
MARY: So, uh, we made it this far, yay?
She makes an exaggerated fist bump motion with both hands.
MARY: First announcement… that, has to count for something. Uh… what else… right. I think we’re doing well, for the time being. Like, Leo’s still hurt, obvs, but I think we’re just hunkering down for the time being. Uh… I’m doing fine, personally. Still a little jittery after like, Seo-yun. Plus, like, I know I’m kinda at a disadvantage? Two whites, one black.
She pauses
MARY: Two white bandannas, one black bandanna. Yeah. I’m trying to stay on my guard here, but also like, being in a group has its ads? Also, disads, but still. I’m feeling okay right now.
She adjusts herself a bit more.
MARY: Oh, and uh, I changed my clothes. I thought it’d be rude if I didn’t try out what the costuming crew gave me.
She smiles as she gestures towards her outfit
MARY: I honestly couldn’t tell you the brands and stuff, hopefully it’s somewhere? But I’ve seen this sweater before--
She touches the sleeve a bit
MARY: -- It’s quite popular, I’ve noticed. So, maybe that’s why they gave me it? It’s pretty cozy, but not what I’d, uh, recommend for beach wear. Still pretty nice, though. It really highlights the chest area.
She stands up, showing off her skirt and stockings. She gestures towards her waist.
MARY: So… the skirt. As you can see, it’s a pink plaid skirt. I guess they wanted to go for an eGirl look, maybe. It’s reasonably high quality, you can tell because it falls pretty well. You can tell if something isn’t going to fall apart within a few wears by how it feels, and how it falls on your body. And--
She touches the bottom of the skirt slightly
MARY: It feels good on the skin, and it has a nice fall to it. So! Would recommend. Stockings, they’re, well, stockings. And I like stockings, soooo. Nothing really to say there. But hopefully you’ll be able to find out the brand names soon.
She laughs for a moment
MARY: So, yeah. Hopefully we’ll be able to chat again soon. See you!
Mary makes double peace signs
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Same location as before. Mary is once again seated. Judging by the light, some time has passed. She brushes her hand against her hair for a moment.
MARY: So… uh, confession.
Mary takes a deep breath.
MARY: Confession. Confession… okay.
Another breath. Mary closes her eyes a bit, drumming her fingers along the oar. She takes more deep breaths for about a minute, before opening her eyes and speaking.
MARY: Sometimes… living just sucks?
Mary makes a forced giggle for a moment, before continuing with a smile.
MARY: No, really. Like, back home, I supposedly had a lot of things to live for, but… uh, I kinda realize that I’m a common factor in, uh, a lot of bad things that happen to me. Like… back home, I’d get into trouble a lot, and then I’d feel bad, and everyone else feels bad. Sometimes I get angry and moody, and I’m aware of that, and I hate it. I still get into some bad stuff sometimes, and then it happens, like uh-- an ouro- ouro… snake eating its tail. A dumb cycle that I can never escape from. I’ve tried my best, but, like…
Mary reaches up to massage her scalp.
MARY:... Things always seem to happen to make me think ‘why bother? People will always be like this, and I’ll always be like this.’ I’ll always be awkward, dumb, cruel, someone who no one wants to be around. And people will always be nasty and pretend to be your friend. Like… you saw Seo-yun, right? I was kinda surprised, but… I also saw it coming, in a way. It’s good it ended like that, at least. At least it was nothing petty and dumb. Something a little more understandable.
Mary reaches down, another laugh.
MARY: Did you know that, uh, when you reach a certain age, you can sit in on your own IEP meetings? Basically, the point of those are like, the teachers and stuff talk to your parents about your progress and what you need, but I sat in on the last one, and, ah---
Another breath
MARY: It was Mary Roasting Hour, basically. Like, the entire time, it was old people talking about how much of a failure I am, and how much trouble I get into, and how much I have trouble with the school work, and about my personal life, and… and…
Mary grips the oar a bit tighter. She pauses. Despite her smiling, she is holding back tears.
MARY: It’s felt like that my entire life. No matter what I do, I’ll get judged. So I think it’s kinda… easier to be a bad person than a good one? But also… also… uh…
Another pause. Mary strums her fingers in thought
MARY: I’ve thought… about… it? You know? Like, I’ve never actually tried anything, but the thought’s there. I would think about it in the back of my head, and it’s been like this for years. At first it’s kinda scary, then it becomes… part of existing. Like something destined to happen, years, months, weeks… maybe even days, right? And uh, I went to therapy, and it’s helped, yeah. But whenever I try to talk about this, I uh…
Look, I guess when you even hint at it, ah… people make a crisis out of it? Like, dunno. You get people making your sign a form saying you’re not gonna do it, like some sort of, er, contractual obligation. And people immediately tell you that you’re loved and that it’ll make everyone sad, and you have so much, and you shouldn’t be feeling like this. And, let’s not even get started on church stuff. Basically, if you do it, Jesus will get sad and angry and you won’t go into heaven. I get the… principle? Principle... I guess. But, it only works for a while. Sometimes I get reminded of how much of a bad person I am, so it feels fake when people tell me they love me. So, I’d act like I got better when… it wasn’t entirely true. I still screw up, and I still hate myself. I understand that I have some stuff, like my bunnies, and my folks, and my fans, and…
Another pause
MARY: … you know… the reason why I’m telling you this, is, uh, what truly works in the end is being reminded of how much dying is inconvenient? It’s easy to think of it as like, unplugging your computer and going to sleep. But, I’ve googled it a few times, and… did you know that you have to jump from a certain height and land in a certain way for it to work? You can shoot yourself, but you have to get the right angle. Poisoning yourself, you have to do the right math. It goes on, but like, there’s so many ways you can get it wrong, and so many ways it can even make things worse. I feel like getting that slap of reality helps. Like, when I feel like that, it’s not because I truly want it, but because it’s a way out. Reminding me of how… scary it actually is is what’s helpful.
One more pause
MARY: I haven’t thought about it since I’ve been here. Like, I was thinking about it less and less at home, but not at all here. I still feel awful sometimes, and I guess that me being so close to death is technically what I’ve wanted, but like, being so close… it reminds me of the reality. It isn’t pretty or cute. It’s the end, and it looks ugly. So, I’ve decided that I truly want to live, and I truly want to keep going. I made a promise didn’t I?
Mary laughs
MARY: That’s right. I promised to not bore you all. I don’t like being a boring person. You might have guessed it. And I’ve been letting you all down on that front. Since I’ve chosen that I want to keep going, I have to uphold my word.
So trust me, I want to be here, talking to you all. I want to keep entertaining you all. I want you to see what kind of person I can be. So… just, trust me, okay? I’ll… uh… talk to you soon.
Mary waves, then blows another kiss at the camera. Then, she stops for a moment.
MARY: Actually, though… I have more. See, I have actually thought about death, but not in the, like, ‘Mary hates herself’ way? More.. what comes after. Like, I’ve googled stuff about the human soul, but I’ve also thought about… uh, my memory. See, I want to be remembered as like, a cool fun entertaining person, but also… uh… my body. I have things I want to happen?
Can I… be made beautiful? Like, don’t just tattoo me onto yourselves or give me a nice casket. I want to be art. I want to be aesthetic. Ex, there’s this thing where this German guy embalms your corpse and poses you in different ways. Maybe something like that? I’ve also seen this YouTube video of this goth rock musician making a towel rack partly from human bones. And uh, there’s the catacombs in Paris made from bones. I… uh, would be cool, actually! I want to be something cool. Something the viewers at home might like. It doesn’t matter what, specifically, you could make me into a lounge chair, just as long it’s… a good, pretty lounge chair. Something I’d approve of. You understand?
Mary laughs again
A few moments pass, before a new voice speaks up, characteristic of the collars’ speakers
JEWEL: Mary? Is it okay if I say something?
MARY: Yeah?
JEWEL: I'm not going to lie to you and say that things will get better, or make more sense, or be less painful. And I'm not going to say I perfectly understand or anything—some things, you might be surprised, but...
You're not alone. I want you to know that. And what you want, if it comes to that, I'll do my best to make sure your wishes are respected. If. I promise.
MARY: Do you? Am I...? You sure...? Uh…
Mary smiles some
JEWEL: Yeah. I'm sure.
...oh, and thanks for the fashion tips. Earlier. I might have to try those.
You look nice.
Mary laughs
MARY: Thank you. I liked the getup myself.
JEWEL: Take care of yourself.
MARY: I will. I will.