+1 DETERMINATION

[Namira]

((Garnet continued from Are You What I Think You Are?))

An awful lot had happened here, hadn't it?

Garnet stood at the bottom of the little trail she knew led up to the cave and, one arm shading her eyes, looked up to the top of the waterfall.

Two decisions she'd made right back at the start, and they'd both turned out to be wrong. Sticking with Marco, not going with Erika. Marco had—he'd ripped Kayla to pieces, there were no two ways about it, but standing here now, more than a week later, that was the worst of what he'd done. It was reprehensible, unforgivable, but he'd found it in himself somehow to stop with that single horrible deed. Garnet didn't know if it was remorse—he hadn't struck her as all that regretful—or Nick's influence (Nick, who had killed and yet also stopped), or something else, but when it had come down to it, Marco had hauled himself back from that place.

Garnet's arm dropped to her side and she pulled back her letterman's sleeve. The jacket would have been a complete write-off if it wasn't the only protective layer—other than the hoodie she was increasingly hesitant to wear—she had, splattered with mud and blood and who knew what else. Most of the right sleeve was absolutely torn to shit, and the right arm underneath wasn't a hell of a lot better. The scratches and gouges inflicted by Marco's claw had mostly healed up into ugly-looking scabs, but the heavy bandaging spoke to the further injuries she'd taken in the meantime. Garnet touched a hand to her jaw, where sure enough, there was another similarly scabbed-up wound. How close had she been to dying, back there? How close had she been to snapping and killing Marco? She wanted to say she'd been in control, that the freewheeling rage that she'd been borne upon was one that she'd let herself be carried into. W.W.S.D, right?

Sure. Losing her temper knowingly made all the difference. That was how that worked.

A small part of her tried to claim some of the credit, desperately trying to salvage the idea that beating Marco up had somehow had a point, that it was a genuine attempt to break the wheels and the gears, and had somehow succeeded. Marco hadn't killed since then, so maybe the fight had beaten some sense into him. Except, like, come on. Being real? Being really real? She'd talked a big game then balked at the last second. Same as with Paloma. Same as with Yuka. She'd tried to... She'd tried. She hadn't had what it took.

How many more times could she reinvent herself? How many more times could she claim to be making an attempt to be right or good before all the pretense fell away and she just admitted she didn't have a fucking clue what she was doing? Garnet hadn't broken the game. She hadn't even slowed it down. She hadn't done anything about the players or the terrorists. She hadn't taken the opportunities that had stared her in the face. She'd just survived, and not survived especially well, at that. If Erika hadn't been there to intervene against Yuka...

And it came back to Erika, the other mistake. Why hadn't Garnet followed her? Why hadn't she insisted on coming with her? She could have made it non-negotiable. She could have followed, instead of fixating on Marco's crisis. It would have been cold of her, for sure, but Erika was her friend, while Marco was mostly Shauna's (poor anxious, sweet Shauna, who'd made it so far too until that piece of shit Justin killed her). Garnet could have stuck to Erika. She should have stuck to Erika. She'd seen glimmers in their time together, signs of regret and doubt, signs that maybe things could have been salvaged, if she'd found the right words, if she'd found her commitment and her determination. If that glimmer was there even in the broken remnants of what was Erika, if there had been any potential at all for a turnaround, with their relationship as tattered as it was, then there must have been a chance for Garnet to drag her back from the pit, there must have been.

But that wasn't the choice she'd made. She'd stuck by Marco. Then let him run off and murder Kayla, and all she had to show for it in the end were a few cuts and bruises, and now Erika was out there again, fourteen kills to her name and hunting for more.

Some kind of hero Garnet had turned out to be.

She exhaled shakily, looking out to the waterfall once again. Yeah. An awful lot.

Slowly, she looked back to the trail. Where had Nick and Marco got to, after that scrap? Maybe they'd holed up. Maybe they'd gone roaming. She almost wanted to wander on up to the cave and see if they were still there, but she genuinely wasn't sure if she could face up to her failure like that. They'd said everything they had to say to one another. She dropped her eyes, but just as quickly raised them again. A flash of colour, what...?

"No way."

Garnet took a couple of steps, then broke into a semi jog. She stopped, stooped. Picked it up.

Her hat. Her goofy, dumb, amazing hat. Kind of worse for the wear, covered in dirt and kinda looked like some moss or mould or something was growing on one of the ears, but... but there it was.

Her eyes welled up and she rubbed them, crying and laughing at the same time. Ridiculous. It was only a hat, but it was hers, it was still here. It wasn't gone forever.

She brushed it off a little, rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, brushed it off some more, then put it on.

Long breath. Alright Garnet. Alright.

((Garnet continued in It All Went Wrong))