The Gang Goes Out For Breakfast

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Camilla lingered on what Theo said- a benevolent god wouldn't punish people only for falling to sin, if He made it so easy. That came with one major assumption.

She shrugged. "That assumes God's benevolent," she said, a hint or irritation getting into her voice, as she also gestured at their surroundings.

It hurt to think about though, that her friends might be suffering in the next life, simply for not following God's demands to the letter. She has figured if going to heaven was simply a reward for being christian, well, God would still want to encourage goodness, right? Or at least what He believed was goodness. Regardless, it made sense to her that something akin to Purgatory would be a thing.

It didn't hurt to believe they were in Purgatory. Her friends, she meant. Were they all in Purgatory? Who knew. Frankly, this too extreme to be anything other than capital-H Hell if it was an afterlife at all. Or at least related to it. Then again, Dante's Purgatory thing apparently had some pretty extreme stuff going on...

Camilla looked back up to the sky. Funny, how quickly the sun could set. She began to debate with herself whether they should set out to look for Diego now, or if they should rest first.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo sighed as Camilla highlighted the key flaw in his argument. "Well, I think many religions would suggest good intentions would be part of any definition of the word "god". But, yes, that is the basic assumption." Even if she was correct, he didn't want Camilla thinking such things while Diego was still away. He shook his head to discourage her from continuing down this path. "But again, I don't really think it's worth thinking about. It's not something directly relevant to us, and it's not something we can change, so why worry?"

He noticed that Camilla had gone quiet, looking away once more, and he followed her gaze towards the sky. The sky was darkening rapidly now. Looking at it closely for the first time, it was surprisingly beautiful, despite their situation, and he saw an opportunity to steer their conversation towards lighter topics. "It's quite nice, isn't it?" He smiled placidly. "Do you see anything, when you look at the sunset?"

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

The more Theo tried to assure her, the more Camilla found herself worrying about what came after all this. Why wouldn't she? Back when she asked her mother about heaven, the rest of her life was measured in decades. Now? In days, if they were lucky. Whatever was beyond, they'd find it soon.

It made her jittery. It reminded her of the sun on her face streaming in from the window on a Monday morning as she muttered to herself, dragging the covers over her eyes, just a little more. It reminded her of the blue light of a screen on her face on a Friday night in middle school, even as she felt the weight of her own eyelids, telling herself just a little more. But the covers were too hot and scratchy, especially with the sun, and the posts on her dashboard were getting harder to read, both due to her tiredness and the fact that they either made no sense or were angry and she just wanted to get that conflict over with and have a winner.

And she was impatient, she supposed. To see if what she'd been told her entire life was true. Didn't Theo ever wonder that? She supposed his family wasn't very religious.

He changed the subject.

Camilla looked back out, to the rapidly fading sunset. What was there to see?

"...the sun?" she answered, unconfidently. Well of course she saw the sun. Not technically but- still. But it was hardly a creative answer.

She blinked, and rubbed her eyes.

"I'm too tired for this," she muttered. Yeah, that was it.

But it wasn't like she was going to sleep.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo was relieved from having to discuss either topic any further by Camilla's ending the conversation early. It had been a particularly obvious gambit, anyways. He nodded absently. "You're probably right, we should get some sleep if we want to do anything important tomorrow." He chose a space between the roots of one of the smaller trees and laid himself down lightly.

He was about to suggest that she find a place to sleep when he realized that wasn't in her plans. From her posture, and the watchful expression she took up, Camilla would be taking guard duty again, it seemed. She had done that for so long now that it seemed oddly comforting, a sort of implicit agreement between the leader and her followers that she would be the defender of their group against every possible danger. Maybe she hadn't been wholly successful in keeping them together, but nevertheless he was grateful for her protection.

------

When he finally woke up, the sun had risen; he had slept surprisingly deeply considering the less than comfortable situation. He got up and smiled at Camilla, before he realized how tiring the night must have been for her. "Are you sure you're okay doing that every night? You don't have to, you know."

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Over that night, Camilla had more time to think. She reminded herself that the reason- the real reason- she refused to sleep is because she didn't want any nightmares. Being able to watch over the gardening club, okay what's left of the gardening club, was as good an incentive as any. Even so, she supposed her nightmares were just the result of her mind wandering, and right now? Her mind wandered too far.

She wondered if Declyn was dead.

He couldn't be dead.

He shouldn't be.

Who'd do such a thing?

Who'd hurt Declyn? Who'd hurt Drew? She was biased of course, but she had a hard time thinking of anyone who'd wish to hurt them as anything other than monsters. Demons.

And that was just it, wasn't it? There were two sorts of people here, the ones who never deserved any of this, who deserved to go home, and second? Were the monsters who enjoyed this. And in a way, they didn't deserve to be here either.

But there was only one way to go home.

Actually, two.

Camilla wanted to go home, but she didn't want to see the end.

She wanted to talk to Drew. She wanted to talk to Theo but he was asleep and she realized for an introvert, she was oddly dependent on them all. On people, at all.

So she kept herself awake with these thoughts.

-------

Camilla was snapped out of a trance of worry when Theo spoke to her.

She gently smiled back.

"It's no issue," she lied, following up with a grain of truth. "I haven't been able to sleep anyways."

[Jan de Witt]

Camilla's response was uncharacteristically unconvincing, but he refrained from pointing out her obvious tiredness. "Just checking. I'm sure you know what you're doing." His doubt was obvious in his tone. His concerns deepened as he noticed that Diego had not returned, despite his promises. Could he really have gotten lost? The island was not that big, after all, and they had set up camp in an area that was clearly separated from the others. And as for Declyn, the sooner he was back with them, the better. The strain of having the two most empathetic members missing from their group was already showing.

Getting up, he fetched his things and sat closer to her. "Do you want to start looking for Declyn and Diego after the announcements? I'm not sure if Diego'll find his way back." He was also worried that Diego had abandoned them altogether, but he refrained from highlighting it so soon after their last discussion. Instead, he contented himself with simply watching the treeline for visitors and waiting for the announcements to come.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Camilla heard the hints of... sarcasm? In Theo's voice. But it wasn't like he'd be unjustified in his doubt.

As for the question, Camilla reached over for her bag and stood up.

"Diego's almost certainly lost," she began. So much for an hour or was it half an hour well it certainly wasn't a whole night and still not being back.

"I think... the sooner we start looking, the better," she continued.

But the announcements would tell them if their search was all for nothing or not.

"Though if you want to wait until announcements, that's... not a bad idea?"

Even if she didn't want to think about it.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo nodded politely. "It's the safest way to do things." He rooted himself firmly in place, ready to move only when the time came. Some time passed before the announcements finally came. They continued on and on, and he unconsciously relaxed as incident after incident was named without a single mention of the only names that interested him. And then, as if to mock his groundless confidence, the voice announced that Declyn was dead. A bit character in a morality play for a world without morals. An example for a future textbook. A display to illuminate the treachery of trust.

In the very first moments, he only stiffened. Danya moved on to discussing the danger zones but he heard nothing. He tried to say something, but his words died almost instantly. He trembled despite the warmth, got up shakily, then descended again. His motions were mechanical, unthinking. His expression was frozen in bored disinterest. His shallow breaths told a different story.

Declyn was dead. He died in the presence of the person who had shot him. The person who had simply watched him bleed out as if Declyn was merely a particularly interesting part of the landscape. The person was Myles. Even Theo knew him. Party-going, popular, profligate. The life of the party, some would say. And yet in Declyn's final moments, he had been silent, "cold" even.

Declyn had been armed. The murderer would have needed the element of surprise to ensure victory. His thoughts constructed the scene. Myles charming Declyn with false assurances. Myles isolating him from those he could trust. And then, once he was away from anyone who could help, a gunshot. Declyn would cry out in shock and betrayal. Or instead a bitter resignation to the trap he saw only too late. A trap sprung by a murderer skulking in the shadows. A murderer waiting for days until the perfect moment.

No doubt the reality was different, less clear-cut. Myles had not actually killed before. They were still less than three-fourths through the game. The consequences of murder were still obvious to those who remained guiltless. The Machiavellian figure in his mind would probably have killed earlier to gain advantage, or later, when consequences were few. But these reasonings were rational, rigorous. They existed in apart of his mind that had simply ceased to influence him. All he felt was the pain of the bereaved, in turns draining and enraging.

Had he felt this way after Drew died? No. However, Drew, was, at least, understandable. That was the result of clearly voluntary choices. It was a killing born, absurdly, out of empathy. But this was not that. This display of a bizarre coldness was incomprehensible. He had witnessed the aftermath of Drew, the uncertain reconciliation that followed. This, though, seemed to be a random, needless incident. A loss that did not even pretend to justify itself to the world. And perhaps more importantly, Declyn was not supposed to be the victim. He was the one who plucked Theo out from his wandering and brought him hope. Drew was the miserable figure already approaching his dying moments, his death merely a matter of time. Declyn was supposed to return to them and remind them of all they still had to live for. The pleasant plotline that he had imagined for them had collapsed under the weight of reality.

He imagined what Camilla must feel. She had always been the one most committed to defending them against dangers and doubts. She had confirmed this again and again through her sheer faith in all of them. But if her faith strengthened them, then it also made her more vulnerable. She treasured them as "family", no? Her loss would be bitterer still for the value she had attached to Declyn. He remembered his longing to have friends, to be connected to the world. But he had forgotten that such connections inevitably came with a price. Perhaps he had been the fortunate one, having had so few ties to cut. That revelation did not make his current feelings any easier.

Minutes passed. In his mind, they stretched into hours as he stared numbly into the trees.

After what seemed like eternity, he stood, then turned towards Camilla with robotic stiffness. "Do you want to go? Or stay?" A brief pause. "This must be hard for you. We can rest if you want." His tone was bland and emotionless. It was not a particularly good attempt at empathizing with her. But how could he console anyone when he himself wanted to be the one consoled? How could he offer sympathy when his imagination still flickered with reminders of the extent of his own loss?

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

They stayed, for a while. Waiting. Nobody said it, but they all knew exactly what they were waiting for.

The list of names dragged on. One after the other. They went in one ear and out the other the moment the sounds came together in a way that didn't resemble Declyn's name.

"And finally..."

Her lips moved, a prayer with no accompanying sound.

"...Declyn Grayson-Anthis was shot by Myles Roux..."

The world froze.

All of a sudden, she was both deaf and blind, or she might as well have been. Camilla had to expect it- she'd feared it. Did she think it would make it easier to swallow, if it came to that? It didn't. Why didn't it? There was a pit in her stomach, covered in thorns.

One by one, her friends violently ripped from her side.

But she heard Theo speak.

The frozen world shattered.

How was he so... calm? Camilla envied it. She hated it. He wasn't as close to any of them, was he? Not that that was- no, no, no. No time for judgement.

But she wanted to scream. Maybe at him. Maybe at God. Maybe at herself, for delaying for so long.

So she fell to her knees and screamed at no one in particular.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo waited for an answer. And there was one, of a sort. He should have leapt at the screams. Or perhaps yelped in fear. Or wept in shared grief. But instead he merely angled his head downward, cool and composed as he had never been before. He tried to smile, but his muscles would not move. He tried to hug her, but his body felt weighed down with heaviness. He would have spoken, but she would not have heard. So he contented himself with standing by her side, the helplessness, at least, being familiar.

He felt almost as though he was watching a particularly depressing documentary. His inner pains continued, but outwardly he showed a callous indifference. A part of him wanted to feel for her. To share the pain, the grief, the tragedy. It would hurt, but at least they would hurt together. Instead, he watched one of the only people he had ever felt close to collapse utterly, not with tears, but with a tranquil expression. Emotionally, she was miles away, no matter their physical closeness. He felt lonely, somehow. His grief continued to gnaw at him; his mind flickered with memory after memory of a comfort he would never feel again. He waited for the screaming to end.

Eventually, it did. The thick silence between them seemed to discourage words. Even he knew that asking for a reply at this point would be tactless. In place of a spoken question, he tilted his head in a visual approximation of curiosity, a morose weariness on his face. It was the only expression he could muster now, drained of feelings other than grief. He felt sick, but whether at himself, at Camilla, or at the world in general, he couldn't say.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

When she stopped screaming, her throat felt like it was on fire. In response to her screaming, there was only silence.

Shuddering, she stared down at the ground, wrapping her arms around herself. She needed to breathe. Her breathing couldn't be relied on. Her heartbeat couldn't be relied on. She wanted to talk to Declyn. She wanted to talk to Drew. She wanted to talk to Theo and Theo wasn't talking. She wanted to talk to Diego- what if Diego was already dead?

Unbidden, she remembered discovering Bert's body, long before the announcements made her death known to all. Her hand moved to her mouth, instinctively.

All she wanted were answers. Why would someone do this? Why did it happen? Was she not fast enough? Did someone just figure that Declyn was one of those who didn't deserve to be here and sent him out the only way they could?

The only two ways they could leave...

The memory of emerging from the water and calling Declyn's name emerged.

Answers.

Theo was silent.

Weakly, she asked "What happened?"

"What were you doing when Declyn left your sight?"

[Jan de Witt]

Was Camilla suspicious of him? Or was she just making sure? He found that his exhausted mind couldn't quite bring itself to care, even as he unhappily remembered his mistaken decision to focus all his attention on the struggle rather than his surroundings. He took a deep breath, and turned to face her. His words still carried the subdued tone they previously had, but they also carried a certain guilt, now. "After the fighting began, I tried to stay on the shore so I could help Diego back up once he was done. Then you joined him and I ran to make sure you were safe. The last time I saw Declyn was shortly before I ran over to you two. I don't remember seeing him after that. When you finally got Diego, I looked back and he was gone."

Theo doubted that Camilla would consider that a satisfying answer, but then again, his own lack of heroism or even basic assertiveness was hardly impressive either. He spoke again, this time with a certain undertone of regret. "I'm sorry, but I really didn't see anything. It was finished before I could even tell what had happened." His eyes went to the ground in shame. All he could do now was hope that Camilla would be inclined to indulge him.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

In a way, Theo was still silent. But how could he be? Camilla asked for an answer and she got one, so why did it still feel like there were holes in her lungs?

Because the answer was a hole.

"Then..."

Her gaze turned to Theo. His image was blurred by tears.

The answer was watching.

"Then it's... then it's nothing!" she suddenly cried out. "Declyn just- you just- and then- it's just-!"

Words failed her. They became sobs.

"It- it just isn't fair!" she started to babble again, once she found the breath to. "Drew he- he was- he shouldn't have been but he was! Did Declyn...? Why do- why did they suffer, Theo?!"

Camilla just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

She wanted to be where her friends were. They were scattered.

Her nails dug into the fabric of her shirt. The sensation reminded her of how Declyn clung to her, back when they got lost on a caving trip. In that moment, the unspoken agreement was that wherever Camilla went, Declyn would follow.

And wherever Declyn went, Camilla, Drew, and all the rest would follow too.

[Jan de Witt]

Theo was surprised when Camilla directed her fury at him. She had been so quick to forgive in the past, but now all her expression seemed to have was hurt and blame. He felt betrayed, in a way. Her former leniency seemed to run out just as she was left alone with him, and her complaints took an oddly personal dimension in his mind.

In some ways, Camilla's outburst could have been seen as a bizarre non sequitur, a sudden moment of madness and frustration that had no real meaning. Some might have seen it as merely part of a natural rage. But Theo saw a very different meaning behind it. It was never stated outright, but it was clear that she saw him in a very different light to the others. They, Drew and Declyn, were rewarded with sainted martyrdom, even as Theo continued to be the target of her suspicions.

His calm response, then, was tainted by a petulant bitterness at her insistence on dragging the discussion back to these unhappy topics. "It's not fair because there is no reason, Camilla. No reason at all. It was a result of a unexpected series of different events that together had unfortunate results. We could have done nothing to stop it." He shook his head disapprovingly at her words, irritation rising. "I doubt there was any real reason, so why think about it?"

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

"Why think about it?"

Camilla stood up, slowly.

"Doesn't it- aren't you- aren't you tired of this?" she began again, her voice more subdued now. "This whole fucked-up island! I'm sick of it, there's no reason, and I'm sick of- my friends are, our friends are...!"

She let out a sharp breath, her gaze dropping to her feet for a moment, before she turned back to Theo, her eyes wide. Why think about it? Did that imply she should choose not to? Did that imply Theo could choose not to?

"This whole place is misery, and none of the people we love deserve to be here and- and none of us deserve to be here! There's good people who suffer, and monsters who enjoy this goddamn thing and none of them-! But the only way to- And the fact that you can't do anything makes it- it just makes it worse!"

For a moment, she went silent, staring at Theo.

"How could it not eat at you?!"