The Darkest Side
Posted: Sun Jan 26, 2020 8:47 am
"This first part isn't really related to the rest of what I'm about to say, but, like, it's a poignant story, so I'm gonna tell it to you anyways. I mean, like, I think it's poignant, at least.
"So, a whiiiile back, Wikileaks released this big archive of, uh, pager intercepts — like, uh, someone had a doodad that could receive any and all messages anyone sent from a pager, and they put all the messages into a text document. They're all from the same day, and I think most of them are like, from the east coast — D.C. and New York — but there's still, like millions of messages to look through. Most of 'em are like, just automated messages — news updates, IT stuff, those kinds of things. There's some stuff that you can tell's been sent manually, every so often, but since the archive starts at 3 AM, they're kinda sparse at first. First five hours are completely innocuous; like, you're thinking, 'why's this on Wikileaks?'; 8 AM, people are starting to wake up. A few people are using their pagers to call in sick to work and stuff. Still not much going on, but, y'know, it's just people going about their regular day. Like, at 8:45, I remember specifically, there's like, someone asking their husband about a lost video camera.
"8:46, there's an automated message; some stock trading service. It's an error message. It says 'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline,' and like, it looks completely innocuous, but it's -
"- it's the moment everything changed. Right then, in that moment, something happened, and the world decided it was something it could never come back from.
"In that message, 'Cantor' is shorthand for Cantor Fitzgerald. They're an investment firm. They were on floors one-hundred-and-one through one-hundred-and-five of WTC-1. Fifteen seconds before that error message was sent, Cantor's servers were knocked out by American Airlines Flight 11 hitting floors ninety-three through ninety-nine.
"Over six-hundred people employed by Cantor Fitzgerald died that day. One-thousand-six-hundred people died in that tower. Almost three-thousand people were killed in the attacks overall. Hundreds of thousands of people died during the next few years because of things people thought were justified because of those attacks.
"'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline' is only nine fucking words, but it's - it's thousands of people dying, and it's just like -
"- it's like, 'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline', and then just,"
A finger snap.
"and then all those lives are just gone and they can't come back, and it's just - it's - after that, nobody thinks about any of them as people. They just become talking points, or - or jet fuel can't melt steel beams memes - but it's -
"- they're people. They're all real people."
A sniffle.
"You can't let them stop being people."
Another sniffle.
"Please don't let us stop being people."
((Michael Froese wasn't a person anymore))
A few seconds of silence.
"Y'know, sometimes, when I'm telling people the truth, I just start crying. That's why I'm wearing the sunglasses. For all you know, that whole speech was a lie.
"Maybe I never actually went crazy.
"Maybe every word that has ever come out of my mouth was a calculation.
"Maybe you've only seen what I wanted you to see.
"Or maybe I've been nothing but honest this whole time.
"You won't ever know. Because I'm dead."
Because he was human.
A low, bitter chuckle.
"I'm a fan of 'show; don't tell'. This has never been about what I say. It's about how I say it and when I say it."
Sometimes it was about what he didn't say.
"That's usually how you find out the truth about people.
"I'll tell you right now, I've never been after your sympathy."
He was after their guilt.
"Most of the time, I'm not really talking to you. I'm talking to myself.
"I think, really, the point where I passed the point of no return was when I ODed at the menagerie. I don't know how many pills I took; just that it was a lot. Amphetamine overdoses can cause psychosis, and like,
"- I honestly can't tell you if anything that's happened since then has actually, like, happened.
"Maybe this is just my brain fucking around while I choke to death on my own vomit.
"Honestly, I really hope it is."
Mechanical noises. The sounds of a gun being reloaded.
"You're probably wondering why I hooked Catherine up to my insulin pump, aren't you? Why I didn't just shoot her? Why I didn't just use the syringe?
"I did it because, this way, I can't justify it to myself.
"And because, this way, I'm physically hurting myself as long as she's still alive.
"I'm not sure how long I suspended her insulin delivery for.
"Astute viewers may notice I'm never the one benefiting when I hurt people.
"'You say you care about people, and that you feel bad when you hurt them. If that's true, then why do you keep hurting people?' you ask.
"I'm doing this because it hurts me too.
"I'm doing this because I don't want to get better.
"I'm doing this because it's the only thing I can even remember how to do right."
((Continued in another party.))
"So, a whiiiile back, Wikileaks released this big archive of, uh, pager intercepts — like, uh, someone had a doodad that could receive any and all messages anyone sent from a pager, and they put all the messages into a text document. They're all from the same day, and I think most of them are like, from the east coast — D.C. and New York — but there's still, like millions of messages to look through. Most of 'em are like, just automated messages — news updates, IT stuff, those kinds of things. There's some stuff that you can tell's been sent manually, every so often, but since the archive starts at 3 AM, they're kinda sparse at first. First five hours are completely innocuous; like, you're thinking, 'why's this on Wikileaks?'; 8 AM, people are starting to wake up. A few people are using their pagers to call in sick to work and stuff. Still not much going on, but, y'know, it's just people going about their regular day. Like, at 8:45, I remember specifically, there's like, someone asking their husband about a lost video camera.
"8:46, there's an automated message; some stock trading service. It's an error message. It says 'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline,' and like, it looks completely innocuous, but it's -
"- it's the moment everything changed. Right then, in that moment, something happened, and the world decided it was something it could never come back from.
"In that message, 'Cantor' is shorthand for Cantor Fitzgerald. They're an investment firm. They were on floors one-hundred-and-one through one-hundred-and-five of WTC-1. Fifteen seconds before that error message was sent, Cantor's servers were knocked out by American Airlines Flight 11 hitting floors ninety-three through ninety-nine.
"Over six-hundred people employed by Cantor Fitzgerald died that day. One-thousand-six-hundred people died in that tower. Almost three-thousand people were killed in the attacks overall. Hundreds of thousands of people died during the next few years because of things people thought were justified because of those attacks.
"'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline' is only nine fucking words, but it's - it's thousands of people dying, and it's just like -
"- it's like, 'Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline', and then just,"
A finger snap.
"and then all those lives are just gone and they can't come back, and it's just - it's - after that, nobody thinks about any of them as people. They just become talking points, or - or jet fuel can't melt steel beams memes - but it's -
"- they're people. They're all real people."
A sniffle.
"You can't let them stop being people."
Another sniffle.
"Please don't let us stop being people."
((Michael Froese wasn't a person anymore))
A few seconds of silence.
"Y'know, sometimes, when I'm telling people the truth, I just start crying. That's why I'm wearing the sunglasses. For all you know, that whole speech was a lie.
"Maybe I never actually went crazy.
"Maybe every word that has ever come out of my mouth was a calculation.
"Maybe you've only seen what I wanted you to see.
"Or maybe I've been nothing but honest this whole time.
"You won't ever know. Because I'm dead."
Because he was human.
A low, bitter chuckle.
"I'm a fan of 'show; don't tell'. This has never been about what I say. It's about how I say it and when I say it."
Sometimes it was about what he didn't say.
"That's usually how you find out the truth about people.
"I'll tell you right now, I've never been after your sympathy."
He was after their guilt.
"Most of the time, I'm not really talking to you. I'm talking to myself.
"I think, really, the point where I passed the point of no return was when I ODed at the menagerie. I don't know how many pills I took; just that it was a lot. Amphetamine overdoses can cause psychosis, and like,
"- I honestly can't tell you if anything that's happened since then has actually, like, happened.
"Maybe this is just my brain fucking around while I choke to death on my own vomit.
"Honestly, I really hope it is."
Mechanical noises. The sounds of a gun being reloaded.
"You're probably wondering why I hooked Catherine up to my insulin pump, aren't you? Why I didn't just shoot her? Why I didn't just use the syringe?
"I did it because, this way, I can't justify it to myself.
"And because, this way, I'm physically hurting myself as long as she's still alive.
"I'm not sure how long I suspended her insulin delivery for.
"Astute viewers may notice I'm never the one benefiting when I hurt people.
"'You say you care about people, and that you feel bad when you hurt them. If that's true, then why do you keep hurting people?' you ask.
"I'm doing this because it hurts me too.
"I'm doing this because I don't want to get better.
"I'm doing this because it's the only thing I can even remember how to do right."
((Continued in another party.))