now i can't stand to be alone
Posted: Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:21 pm
((Yuka Hayashibara continues from all of our heroes fading))
The rain came a few hours after the first announcements. It had felt appropriate and fitting to Yuka. She expected no less from the skies.
Yuka and the boys had made no attempt to shelter from the rain. There were no nearby buildings at the time, just the woods, so there was no point. They let the clouds drench them as they made their way to somewhere. Somewhere was a good enough destination. They had lost their way during some point in time, unable to distinguish one tree from another. The trees felt endless, all-encompassing. Suffocating. Anywhere els ewas good enough. Anywhere with people. As long as one of them was Yuki or Y--
She jerked her head upwards. Let the rain trickle from the leaves to her face, to her eyes, the corners of her eyes, down her face. Let the rain obscure her sight for a bit. Her fingers dug into her palms, her breathing slowed. Gradual inhales, shaky, stuttering exhales.
The moment passed. And so did the next moment. And the next moment. And the next, and the next, until her breathing steadied, her hands relaxed. She walked on, without a word to either of the boys. Every now and then, she could hear them trade words amongst themselves. What those words were didn't matter. They could be plotting their departure, for all she knew. That didn't matter. If they left, it might even keep them from holding her back, from having to mind such things as food, rest.
They didn't leave. So, the group stopped when necessary. Lunch. No sign of people, no sign of Yuki. Snack. No sign of people, no sign of Yuki. Dinner. No sign of Yuki. Just the trees. Just the rain.
During their miles-long journey, after the passing of moments, she would wipe the back of her hand against her face and come away with streaks of black, charteuse. Her face melting away. She wondered if the boys saw more of Yuki than Yuka, now. The thought plunged into her chest, so her pupils dilated. She looked past the trees, dirt, branches, into nothing at all. The rain faded into static, and she welcomed it. The static entered her ears, and she let it scrape every last thought, every last feeling, every last bit of gray matter away from the inside of her skull. Raindrops drummed onto her head from above, and she let each and every drop drum into her skull, pummel, pulverize it until there was nothing left. And once that was done, once everything she thought and felt and loved and feared and mourned dissolved with the rainwater, she walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on--
They were under a tree, it was dark. The raindrops were less a constant pummel and more an occasional drop or two, seeping past the gaps of the fronds above. One of the boys was saying something about taking watch. She wasn't up first, so she could rest. She nodded without looking. And then she opened her bag.
She first retrieved her flashlight from her daypack. She turned it on, and held it with her right hand while sifting through the contents of her personal bag. Her bag wasn't waterproof, so all the contents had been soaked through. There was no point in changing. She wasn't sure she could even if she wanted to. The fabric of her clothes stuck to her like a second skin, like a Band-aid on a scab.
She intended on using one of her undershirts as a pillow. So, she pulled it out, and saw a smear of chartreuse.
Quiet, rapid-fire whispers of 'No' poured from Yuka as she yanked out the shirt, and rummaged through the bottom of the bag. Her words subsided, fell into silence, as she retrieved an empty, dripping bottle of chartreuse liquid eyeliner.
She had bought it at a Forever 21 with Beryl, shortly after her hair had been dyed chartreuse. It had been a month before the trip, she thought. Beryl had suggested she buy it, to match it with her hair, and she couldn't tell if that was supposed to be a joke or not, but she obliged anyways and bought it. They had had a laugh about it as Yuka headed over to the register. It cost twenty dollars at the time, she thought.
Beryl's name had been on the announcements, she remembered. A few seconds before--
It had been on the announcements.
It had mattered for a few seconds. Beryl's name, a name she grew up with, adored for most of her life, had mattered for a few seconds, and then it hadn't. And it still couldn't matter, because she couldn't afford it. Yuka couldn't afford to care about Beryl, or Dante, or Chris, or Katr--
Katrina had been on the announcements.
Katrina Lavell.
Katr--
The nails dug into her skin this time. She let go, the indents in her palm stung.
Beryl had mattered once upon a time. A few days ago. Some of the money in her wallet, also at the bottom of the bag, also stained chartreuse, had been meant for buying a succulent of one kind or another. A farewell gift before they all left for college.
That money didn't matter now. Beryl didn't matter now. All that was left for Yuka to mind was an empty bottle bled out, chartreuse smeared on her hands, on all her belongings.
She stood up, and walked out into the rain, hands shaking as she rinsed off the eyeliner. She looked up again for a few more seconds, let the rain fall into her eyes, rinse away whatever remained of her makeup. And then she retrieved the undershirt, laid her head on top.
She closed her eyes, and she was left with the static. Maybe it would smother her in her sleep. That would be nice.
The rain came a few hours after the first announcements. It had felt appropriate and fitting to Yuka. She expected no less from the skies.
Yuka and the boys had made no attempt to shelter from the rain. There were no nearby buildings at the time, just the woods, so there was no point. They let the clouds drench them as they made their way to somewhere. Somewhere was a good enough destination. They had lost their way during some point in time, unable to distinguish one tree from another. The trees felt endless, all-encompassing. Suffocating. Anywhere els ewas good enough. Anywhere with people. As long as one of them was Yuki or Y--
She jerked her head upwards. Let the rain trickle from the leaves to her face, to her eyes, the corners of her eyes, down her face. Let the rain obscure her sight for a bit. Her fingers dug into her palms, her breathing slowed. Gradual inhales, shaky, stuttering exhales.
The moment passed. And so did the next moment. And the next moment. And the next, and the next, until her breathing steadied, her hands relaxed. She walked on, without a word to either of the boys. Every now and then, she could hear them trade words amongst themselves. What those words were didn't matter. They could be plotting their departure, for all she knew. That didn't matter. If they left, it might even keep them from holding her back, from having to mind such things as food, rest.
They didn't leave. So, the group stopped when necessary. Lunch. No sign of people, no sign of Yuki. Snack. No sign of people, no sign of Yuki. Dinner. No sign of Yuki. Just the trees. Just the rain.
During their miles-long journey, after the passing of moments, she would wipe the back of her hand against her face and come away with streaks of black, charteuse. Her face melting away. She wondered if the boys saw more of Yuki than Yuka, now. The thought plunged into her chest, so her pupils dilated. She looked past the trees, dirt, branches, into nothing at all. The rain faded into static, and she welcomed it. The static entered her ears, and she let it scrape every last thought, every last feeling, every last bit of gray matter away from the inside of her skull. Raindrops drummed onto her head from above, and she let each and every drop drum into her skull, pummel, pulverize it until there was nothing left. And once that was done, once everything she thought and felt and loved and feared and mourned dissolved with the rainwater, she walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on.
She walked on--
They were under a tree, it was dark. The raindrops were less a constant pummel and more an occasional drop or two, seeping past the gaps of the fronds above. One of the boys was saying something about taking watch. She wasn't up first, so she could rest. She nodded without looking. And then she opened her bag.
She first retrieved her flashlight from her daypack. She turned it on, and held it with her right hand while sifting through the contents of her personal bag. Her bag wasn't waterproof, so all the contents had been soaked through. There was no point in changing. She wasn't sure she could even if she wanted to. The fabric of her clothes stuck to her like a second skin, like a Band-aid on a scab.
She intended on using one of her undershirts as a pillow. So, she pulled it out, and saw a smear of chartreuse.
Quiet, rapid-fire whispers of 'No' poured from Yuka as she yanked out the shirt, and rummaged through the bottom of the bag. Her words subsided, fell into silence, as she retrieved an empty, dripping bottle of chartreuse liquid eyeliner.
She had bought it at a Forever 21 with Beryl, shortly after her hair had been dyed chartreuse. It had been a month before the trip, she thought. Beryl had suggested she buy it, to match it with her hair, and she couldn't tell if that was supposed to be a joke or not, but she obliged anyways and bought it. They had had a laugh about it as Yuka headed over to the register. It cost twenty dollars at the time, she thought.
Beryl's name had been on the announcements, she remembered. A few seconds before--
It had been on the announcements.
It had mattered for a few seconds. Beryl's name, a name she grew up with, adored for most of her life, had mattered for a few seconds, and then it hadn't. And it still couldn't matter, because she couldn't afford it. Yuka couldn't afford to care about Beryl, or Dante, or Chris, or Katr--
Katrina had been on the announcements.
Katrina Lavell.
Katr--
The nails dug into her skin this time. She let go, the indents in her palm stung.
Beryl had mattered once upon a time. A few days ago. Some of the money in her wallet, also at the bottom of the bag, also stained chartreuse, had been meant for buying a succulent of one kind or another. A farewell gift before they all left for college.
That money didn't matter now. Beryl didn't matter now. All that was left for Yuka to mind was an empty bottle bled out, chartreuse smeared on her hands, on all her belongings.
She stood up, and walked out into the rain, hands shaking as she rinsed off the eyeliner. She looked up again for a few more seconds, let the rain fall into her eyes, rinse away whatever remained of her makeup. And then she retrieved the undershirt, laid her head on top.
She closed her eyes, and she was left with the static. Maybe it would smother her in her sleep. That would be nice.