My Friends Are Assholes

[Yugikun]

"It's cool." Jeremy said quickly to Jerry, before placing the notebook in his bag. It was true, so long as the thing was undamaged by the end of the day, Jerry could have like, farted on it and he'd still be fine with that. He'd have to hold the journal away from him for a bit when writing until the smell went away, but so long as it didn't smell like shit forever then he'd probably be okay with that. Then Fiyori replied to him, saying that it was probably going to be a good day for her. The same was for Jeremy, really, although it was more of a neutral anticipation than a positive one. He really had no idea what was going to happen here.

"Same here, I guess. You have any idea of what's happen-" oh fuck no

Cadeyn Miller preceded to walk onto the scene, the same way she always did. Normally Jeremy would spare a few thoughts towards the person but... No. Best not to think about her. Just pretend she's not there and you'll be fine, Jeremy.

"-ing here?" Jeremy finished his sentence quickly, although there was a little bit of a small stop. It wasn't that long, less than a second, probably; but it was there. He hoped that nobody picked up on it.

And then Darius finally explained about what was going on. Apparently he lost his "Nintendo" at the party last night. Well, whatever happened to it, Jeremy had nothing to do with it. He was kinda just sitting down by himself waiting for the thing to be over; not to say he didn't like the party or anything, but there really wasn't much that he could do there besides dance and Jeremy didn't really dance. Still though, Jeremy might be able to help, although he'd need a little bit more information than that.

"What do you mean by "Nintendo"? That word alone can say a lot of things."

[General Goose]

Bradley liked to loudly announce his entrances.

It was fun. Stroked his ego.

Did good for society, too. Awareness of Bradley's presence, whether you loved or loathed him, was good for mentally preparing yourself, mental fortitude, mental health. It made an accurate first impression, and information was good to have for everyone. And hell, the people who didn't like him? It was a warning. Brace yourselves, because Hurricane Bradley's here. Really, Bradley's habit of making his presence known was a win-win for everyone involved, regardless of their relationship to or opinion of Bradley. And what reason was there to be abandon such a societally beneficial quirk?

Bradley was a philanthropist at heart, you see.

Sadly he did not have a boombox or speaker system on hand to exploit, and had never quite acquired the entourage of hypemen that he deserved. So he had to settle for shouting. Once he had located his friends, and others...friendship was in the eye of the beholder, Bradley thought. Damn. That was a good sentence. Sort of shit Confucius woulda said. Bradley was cultured as fuck.

Anyway, yeah. Once Bradley had spotted his friends and others, he began marching towards them.

"Yo, Van Dyke!"

Bradley had always thought of giving Darius an even better nickname.

But Van Dyke? Really? You couldn't improve on that. It was comedy gold.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

[Emprexx Plush]

Jerry said something in one of those stupid, cringey voices people think sounds British because they're peasants with no respect for the art of stagecraft. Something about gum, or...fuck it, she wasn't going to try and piece it out right now, that hot mess was not her problem. Darius had either produce a good excuse, or legitimately have something shiny for her, because this place was quickly getting crowded with losers. Oh, how to categorize the lame?

First, there was the dumbass on the table who didn't need anymore attention. Then there was Jeremy, who would look even cuter in fishnets now than when they were dating during her goth phase, but sadly was probably even less inclined to follow her suggestions now than he was then. Couldn't hurt to try, maybe? She'd have to make a point of cornering him for that later and testing the waters a bit, it'd make a fun story to dish to Jazzy and Olly later.

Fiyori was also hanging around, and for some reason she had candy. She was pretty quickly piecing together that Darius had gotten everybody here through one bribe or another. She didn't really know much about Fiyori, other than it was nice to have another giant chick around the school. Did people assume they were friends? Should they be friends? Mooore than friends? Her hair was looking pretty cute today, and Jazzy had a thing for the tall ladies. Possibilities, possibilities...

That delightful line of thought was broken by the always disappointing appearance Bradley "I fucking swear this never fucking happens, fuck" Floyd. Ja, if she'd know he'd be at that party last night, it would definitely have been a sure sign to stay far, far away. Total mood killer. She wondered if he'd be able to look her in the eyes yet, or if he was still just fucking fascinated with walls whenever she came around.

The stage was set, the cast was in place with a few missed cues, and the dramatic reveal was on the table to start the second act. The only problem was, this script was shit. Once Jeremy's questions clarified what Darius was after, she couldn't help but start giggling and slowly backing away from the table. "Okay, well, have fun figuring that out." As she turned around, she did her best to catch Bradley's eye and give him the most pitifully sympathetic look she could throw on.

[MK Kilmarnock]

"Your Nintendo? Like, one of the eighties deals?" Jerry sat up and scooted to the edge of the table, leaning in amused interest. "Or like, a Super Nintendo? Or are you like one of those old people who calls like, 360s 'Nintendos?'" Jerry snickered at his own joke as if it were the funniest thing in the world. Because it was. Wasn't his fault if tightwads like Darius and... Caitlyn? That was her name, right? Well, if they couldn't appreciate it, their loss.

Bradley popped in. Jerry was of the general opinion that Bradley was a grade-A cool dude, so it was a fifty-fifty shot as to whether or not he'd actually been to one of Daria here's fucking Uno-and-Backgammon parties or he was one of the 'uncool' people Darius tried to twist in his bizarro reality. Outwardly, Jerry let that one slide like water off a duck's back, or a punch off Rhonda Rousey's chin. Man, that girl was never gonna lose a fight for as long as he lived. If Darius had the gumption to shit that stick out of his ass, he might find the people around him more likable. Jerry kinda felt sorry for him.

"Braaaadley!" Jerry made it a point to help the man with announcing his arrival, sticking out his tongue and even turning up his left fist in a quick 'devil horns' gesture before returning it to the edge of the table. Around the same time, it looked like... yeah, he was pretty sure it was Caitlyn. Or maybe Jaden, shit. That was the name of Will Smith's kid but it was a unisex name, right? It had 'Jade' right in the name, that's about as girly as it got. Anyway, the girl who was a perfect match for Darius's ass-stick seemed to be turning away.

"Ohthankgodshe'sleaving" Jerry 'whispered as loud as he could to Jeremy before cracking another quick cackle.

[Riki]

"Oha?"

Oha!

"Oha ha ha ha haaa. And here I thought this'd be worth my time."

Actually, Fiyori expected that Darius would ask for his Nintendo. After all, she could remember the stuff that happened. There are people who could hold their liquor, and Fiyori was one of them. Which was good! Seeing shit like this unfolding was, for some parties, the only interesting thing going on.

Jeremy wanted clarifications about what he had to understand about the term 'Nintendo', because people might have thought he was intelligent and he couldn't have none of that. Jerry, on the other hand, 'gently' ripped another one into Darius. Ah, she liked that. People like Darius probably grew pretty bitter over those jokes.

Bradley 'I contribute nothing useful to the existence of mankind' Floyd came too. After experiencing a most difficult moral dilemma - it lasted whole 80 miliseconds - Fiyori decided to just ignore him. Hey, they shared middle names, but that was no reason to like one another.

She was planning to say something, but with so many people, certain dynamics began to flourish. Fiyori laid her head into her hands and grinned. She tried to make it appear innocently, but Cheshire would describe it better.

Caedyn wanted to leave, but seemed like Jerry had beef with her. Ah, teenagers. She knew how people were, and she hoped she'd be proven right once again.

[RC†]

"Yes, I brought a Super Nintendo to a party", Darius stated in a sarcastic voice. "No, it is a Nintendo 3Ds. Like, the ones you can actually carry around."

Darius was fucked up by Jerry attempting to gain the sympathy of others by making fun of him. And he was totally disturbing.

"And it was expensive and important. Not cheap like your jokes, Fury."

He waved his hand at Bradley, when he arrived.

And suddenly he knew what had happened. It was Caedyn. Clearly. It always was Caedyn. She always does this kind of shit. She doesn't even need a motive to do it. Fucking with him just for the lulz. Of course it was Caedyn.

The murderer always tries to leave. The criminal wants to ignore the case, ignore the fact they had either abducted or murdered an innocent baby that was not even a year old. Caedyn just wants Darius' life to move on.

But Darius won't forgive. He won't forget. He ran towards Caedyn, until he was in front of her, to stop her from escaping the interrogation.

"Hey, you know what happened to my Nintendo, don't you?"

Darius looked her deeply in the eyes. Darius was a living lie detector right now. He got closer to her face. He just needs either evidence that she did it or just make her admit that she had done it.

"Where is it?"

His poor Nintendo. Caedyn had stolen it. Or even worse, destroyed it. Or even worse, sold on amazon. Or even worse, she gave it to somebody else.

[Yugikun]

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Jerry." Jeremy said blankly, loudly, staring out straight in front of him. "I don't see what the problem is."

Oh also Bradley came. He'd normally be someone that Jeremy would dislike on principle; someone who took their jokes way too far to the point where they were kind of a dick, kinda like Darius in a way. The difference between Bradley and Darius though was that Bradley was actually funny. Not laugh out loud funny, but he was someone that Jeremy could look at and chuckle a bit. Not really someone he interacted with but someone he could like.

And then Darius clarified what he meant by "Nintendo." Apparently he lost his 3DS at the party and he thought someone here stole it. Well it wasn't Jeremy, he had his own 3DS at home and it wasn't like he needed another, so there wasn't really any point in him being here. He got his journal and put it into his bag, and started to stand up.

"Well it wasn't me who stole it, so there's no real point in me being here. Bye."

[General Goose]

Caedyn departed almost in sync with his arrival, as if she'd left the oven on or her clock was ticking or some shit like that. Bradley did not flinch from her eye contact. He reveled in it. Good to know that he made a difference in her life. Wasn't that what most people wanted to do? Caedyn's glare was intended as insulting. Pitying. The look of exasperation, of 'you are no longer my business', a look Bradley knew all too well. Rather petty, in Bradley's view. But he had been exposed to that look, of abandoned social obligation, of exhausted patience, that it struck a chord with him. Nostalgia. Happy memories. Positive connotations. All that gay shit.

He gave her an exaggerated smile, and tipped an invisible fedora.

And blew a kiss, but she was no longer looking at him at that point.

Darius followed her. Bradley more than understood why people would not be fond of his company, but he was more of a laugh than Caedyn was, if nothing else.

No disrespect towards Caedyn intended, of course, he had nothing against her, but come on, Darius.

You're a Floyd, for fuck's sake. Where's your blood loyalty?

Was blood loyalty a phrase? Sounded like some Game of Thrones shit. Or some Nazi shit. One of the two. Either way, not a phrase he'd use again. Except to annoy people.

He reciprocated Jerry's hand gesture, but was too distracted by this glorious new opportunity, to stir some shit up, engage in some amateur sleuthing, that he stopped by Darius and Caedyn, and forced himself into their business. Jerry would understand. Golden opportunities and all that. He'd be kicking himself later if he didn't take this chance now.

"To your Nintendo?" Bradley said, with every emotion blown out of proportion, the minor anachronism a reason for teasing of the highest order.

"Two things: no-one uses Nintendo as a noun to describe the company's handhelds anymore. This isn't the 1990s. Their monopoly has ceased, Darius. And secondly, Nintendo? Really?"

Bradley knew Darius liked his Nintendo games, and it was a preference he understood. But that wasn't important right now.

"Only grannies and five year old girls play Nintendo games these days, Darius. Get with the times. Like," and he rolled his eyes back, preparing his best Valley Girl impression. "Ohmygod you're never gonna get laid playing Princess Peach games."

He then turned to Caedyn. "And Caedyn, please! Don't eject yourself from this conversation so prematurely!"

He was setting himself up for a sick burn, but he didn't mind.

[Emprexx Plush]

Caedyn was just about done with this silliness, until Darius chose to get into her face. Well, as close as he could to her face. It was more like her chest, considering she had nearly a solid foot of height on him. Still, she had to have some mild respect for his guts, trying to get up and give her the tough guy act despite the clear disadvantage and lack of fucks at play against his favor. It was kinda cute, really. That's why she decided to indulge him by leaning down until their eyes met. It's also probably why she decided to hold his gaze for a few moments without a word. It was definitely why she decided instead of speaking, to give his nose a quick lick.

She spun around giggling before she got a chance to see his response. "Darius, honey," she said sweetly, " if I had your...whatever you're looking for, I already would have done that to it, and it would be mine now." She was feeling eccentric today, eccentric was fun and unpredictable and a great way to make up for all the lame and waste of time that was last night. "But," she said with a tilt of her over her shoulder just long enough to catch his eye with a wink, "I only claim things that interest me, and I've already, like, forgotten what you're looking for, so that's a bust, yeah?" She'd let him mull the implications of that in his head for awhile. She certainly wasn't going to clarify them, mostly because she had no idea what they were. Sometimes things just sort of rolled out of her head and it was more fun to let them go than stop and think or reason or consider their consequences.

Bradley seemed like he was trying to get her attention for something. There was a sloppy, obvious premature ejaculation joke in there that was just the kind of thing that had drawn her to him until she realized instead of being ironic, he was being surprisingly honest about his capabilities. She expected a little bit of shame, and maybe it was there, but he seemed to be encouraging it? Was that his deal? Was he...?

She'd drawn enough...creative...requests on her Deviantart page to know where this was going.

Ew.

Probably better to just ignore him and not engage him at all. That could be just as bad, but at least she tried to side-step whatever hot mess was brewing up in his head.

[MK Kilmarnock]

"Question," Jerry chimed in, raising a finger. "What exactly is 'that'? Like, when you say it like that, it's pretty creepy."

He allowed a short pause to let the setup sink in.

"Like... are you like a dog? Did you claim Darius's 3DS by peeing on it?" He tried to prevent it, but a stupid smile was already etching itself into Jerry's cheeks. "I'm startin' to think you pissed on Darius's 3DS. Like a dog." Jerry turned to Jeremy and, just like before, offered a stage whisper.

"See, it's funny because I'm calling her a bitch."

[Riki]

Darius thought Caedyn was the cultprit. He didn't keep it to his thoughts, because obviously Fiyori wouldn't know it otherwise. Yes, he was very quick to ran towards Caedyn. It was actually quite the view, from where Fiyori was. Darius' face was at the level of Caedyn's chest, roughly. Looked kinda wrong. Not wanting to miss any of the... action, Fiyori trotted towards the pair just to see Caedyn giving his nose a quick lick.

So like, there were plans to keep her laughter down. Something about preserving the dramatic tension of the moment. Or maybe something about keeping her dignity. But that was the point of no return. She let out a bellowing laughter, and it came so sudden. As if somebody pierced a hydrogen-filled balloon with a burning match.

Either way, she was too busy. Too busy with being entertained that she couldn't understand what Bradley said at all. All she could hear was the sound of diarrhea being ejected, accompanied by the painful grunts of the damned.

Strange, no?

Jerry continued the thing that might pass as a conversion by talking about piss. Fiyori was sure there was some context involved, but she kinda missed that. Fortunately, he was graceful enough to offer an explanation of his intent. Not exactly context, but satisfying nonetheless.

Fiyori's eyes darted around the group. There wasn't much point in adding fuel, but...

"Well, Darius... personal opinion, my friend? I think it's Jeremy. You know, it's always the nice ones."

[RC†]

Darius had to laugh at Bradley's comment. Oh god, that was funny. It was insulting him yeah, but whatever. It was funny. Bradley's impression of Valley Girl. Just too perfect. And imagining Grannies to play 3DS? Great!

And then he was licked. Like what the fuck. So random. So Caedyn. Maybe it meant something, like she wants to hide the fact that she stole the 3DS. But maybe it doesn't. Caedyn, after all.

Darius rubbed his licked nose against his shoulder, in hope of getting it clean again. Well, to get rid of Caedyn DNA off his nose. Darius did not want to imagine what was touched with the tongue.

Caedyn explained herself. She claimed that she did not steal it. Lie/Doubt/Truth. Tough call, because Caedyn.

And Jerry had made another joke. Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Jerry should serious become a comedian. Publish a book with jokes. His autobiography. It'd be a hit in some developing country with a low literacy rate, at least. Perfect toilet paper.

Eyeing Caedyn again, he looked confused. He had no idea what to say. How to begin the sentence. This was just a surrealistic situation. Maybe he is still not sober from yesterday.

"What the fuck was that? Don't do that again, I have no nose-licking fetish."

Truth.

"Okay, so I believe you. You haven't stolen it, alright. But you were there yesterday. You must've known at least a person who could've done it."

But it appeared Fiyori knew it.

Jeremy was in the process of leaving.

Fiyori pointed out that HE stole it.

...

Maybe.

"Hey! Stop, Frasier! Don't dare to leave this area. I know where your house is...and I have enough peanut butter at my home."

Well, that was a threat.

[Yugikun]

"Believe me," Jeremy said, turning his head back towards Jerry slightly as he took a step away from the group. "Having known her for several years, I can say that you're letting her off easy a little bit with that joke." He looked around the grounds a bit, wondering where to go. He was likely just going to go to the cafeteria to eat his lunch there, but hey, he felt like having a little variety today. There really wasn't any group in the school that Jeremy usually stuck with, but he felt like he was at least acquainted with most of the people at the school enough that he could suddenly join them without it seeming weird. Eh, who knew? He'd probably just go to the first group of people he found.

...Or at least, that was the plan until Fiyori decided to throw him under the bus for no reason. He would have just let it slide and continued heading off until Darius decided to believe her. He then threatened him to stay with... peanut butter? Was Darius going to cover his home in peanut butter if he left?? Was he going to sneak into his house and cover Jeremy in peanut butter??? So many questions. Not really worth staying here for, though. He quickly turned around towards Darius and responded.

"Nope, still not me. I wasn't the one I saw stealing stuff from your house last night. Besides, why would I steal your 3DS? I already have one of my own so stealing someone else's would be kinda pointless."

He finished speaking, tried to see Darius' reaction to his denial. Figuring that his reply probably wasn't going to be enough, he decided to sit back at the table, sliding his bag off his shoulder and onto the ground behind him.

"Also... peanut butter? Please tell me how that's a threat, because I'm drawing a total blank on what your plan is here."

[General Goose]

Peanut butter, licks, urination.

So much stimulation. So many crude joke opportunities, so little time.

This would be one of those situations where five minutes later, he'd realise a super-awesome comeback, or insult, or some sort of line that would spread around the school like memetic wildfire. But at the moment, his brain was blank. People were doing already pretty good jobs of making fools of themselves, and there was really one candidate for winding up anyway. He would focus his gadfly skills on the most promising targets.

He'd still come up with some super-awesome and super-obnoxious comment in five minutes time, when the window for wit had passed. The Germans had a word for that. Schadenflargen or something like that.

But for now, he had a theme, and he'd keep on going with it. Guaranteed results!

"Only way to stop Caedyn licking your nose is if you prematurely sneeze."

Comedy gold, Brad. You could be a YouTube star.

Wait no Jerry had already made a wittier remark with the bitch thing.

Fucking competition.

[Emprexx Plush]

Jerry did that thing where he tried to make noises and draw everyone into the void of suck that was his life, and Caedyn did that thing where her ears stop working so she can ignore his sad attempts at social relevance. It was a good system, nice and efficient, they could probably keep it up until graduation and she only ever saw him again when she was low on gas in a bad neighborhood. Bradley also chimed in with his own running commentary, way too late, but he was so bad at it that it was kind of adorable? Wait, no. Bad thought that leads to very disappointing places. He was staying on the IGNORE list for now.

As far as people that were actually interesting and relevant, Fiyori seemed to be enjoying herself. Oooooh possibilities~ There was time for that later, though. Right now, she was busy casting suspicion towards Jeremy, who was still being a real asshole about the whole "breaking my heart and giving me trust issues forever" thing or whatever that happened all those years ago. Hmmmmm. She could have some fun here.

"Weeeell..." she said with exaggerated concentration, furrowing her eyebrows together like the most seasoned and dramatic of detectives, "Now that you ask, Jeremy did seem kinda uptight last night? Well, more than usual." She cocked an eyebrow Jeremy's way and tapped her index finger against the cleft of her chin. "And he's being awfully defensive. What's the rush, Jerebear?"

Really, she had no idea what happened tonight. She didn't even have a real clear picture of what Darius was looking for. But they were making Jeremy uncomfortable and promising to do something weird with peanut butter, so she was pretty sure she wanted in.