If she wasn't in such a strange state of ambivalence, Jennifer might have been more taken aback by Nick's response. He wasn't mad? He had no axe to grind with her, no need for revenge, to at least insult her or something? That was... well, on the one hand it was a relief, a pleasant surprise. On the other, it wrenched at her. She felt like she was getting away with something, going unpunished for stealing candy, perhaps. Her actions were supposed to have consequences. They always did. Maybe other people got away with screwing up, but not Jennifer.
But was that true anymore? It didn't seem like it was. All her punishments were internal, all the pain and anguish entirely self-inflicted. She hadn't been hurt once. She'd been attacked, sure, been in a fight, a real fight, the sort of thing she'd always been sure would never ever happen to her, but she'd won. She'd beaten the guy who won the Best Kill Award in a fight. She'd had him at her mercy, and she'd let him walk away.
She wondered if that put his future crimes on her. It was the same with Nick. She was responsible for the killing he'd done, at least in part. Every life he took after meeting her, it had all been shaped by their encounter, she felt. She'd hurt him. Insulted him. Forced him into a classification, branded him a killer. Of course he had killed. People did what they were told. They became what others thought them, were shaped by perception and social expectations. Who knew this better than Jennifer? Who was more malleable to the whims of others, more vulnerable to the pressures of friends? And yet, she had casually exercised her power over Nick, had turned an act that was... was wrong, no way around it, but she'd made it horrible, irredeemable, a final sentence, and that was wrong. People could always change. It was never too late to look in the mirror and decide you'd had enough, enough of your old life, enough of being pushed around, enough of solving other people's problems, enough of being the nice one, enough of being scared for your life, enough of being peaceful, enough of being unable to kill. There was always the option of turning yourself around, spitting in the face of common sense and decency, giving in and killing everyone within reach, just so you could live an extra five minutes. It was tempting. It was tempting because it was the easy way. Once you started something like that, you could just coast, just flow on momentum, roll along happily and not stop. It was easy to forget that you were killing people. Fuck, Jennifer was already halfway there. She had it down. Corpses were things now. And hey, that meant people were just potential things, right? No harm in quickening the natural flow of events. Nick did it. Nick wasn't bad. None of them were bad.
She thought this all through surprisingly quickly. Not that it changed anything. She wouldn't play. She just understood why maybe, just maybe, someone else might.
Understanding was key if she was going to try to help Nick.
Then his words hit her. She'd been listening, but only half consciously. It was the sort of gaffe she would never have made back home. She was better than that. Listening was polite. It was what you fucking did when people had to talk to you.
What had changed matters were two simple things. Nick had said she'd saved his life.
And he'd said that Maf should be sorry.
He'd seen Maf? Did that mean? Oh no, oh fucking god no. But no... Nick hadn't killed him. He'd let his list drag on before. He wouldn't say someone dead should be sorry, right? Justification, desperate scrambling, but fuck if she wouldn't cling to it as long as she could.
She would have to be careful, tread fucking lightly to avert disaster. Everything was forgotten as for a split second, the space it took Nick to say "and", she pondered her reply, until Nick broke her concentration and made her start, noting that Samantha was gone. Oh fuck. Jennifer had lost track of her. Were they going to die?
They didn't die.
"Um, y-yeah," Jennifer said. What else could she add? She got up, though. Looked like they'd be going soon. Better not to risk lingering after the other girl left.
"Um," she continued, "Maybe we should move?"
And then, because she just didn't know when to shut the fuck up, because it was going to come out sooner or later and she was just going to fuck it up even more if she sat on it, she mumbled out, "And Maf is, um, is a friend of mine, and, um, I'm sorry if something happened between you and, um, and I wish I'd been there to stop it."
Leaving Me Lonely Still
Shortly before the 4th announcement, Open
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MurderWeasel
- Posts: 2566
- Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 1:37 am
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Rattlesnake
- Posts: 255
- Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2018 12:51 am
Nick took a couple creeping steps backward, arms shaking from the strain of holding out the weapon like there was anything in the world it would do, legs prepared to fold his body onto the sopping ground at the least provocation, ears tuned for the slightest whispering thwap of an arrow beginning its flight, eyes reluctantly tearing themselves from Jennifer's face again and again, scanning the mossy boulders and pale snags that blocked his line of sight for any hint of movement, human or otherwise.
It was his turn now to hear but not listen. Spinning irrational thoughts into a tangle of paranoia, he suddenly found himself jerked back to reality, watching words spill out of Jennifer's mouth in that impossible to describe but intimately, disturbingly familiar way. She was talking about Maf, telling him he was a friend, that she wished she could've done something. Nick tried to keep his face impassive, would have succeeded if not for the biting of his bottom lip showing outwardly his intense cogitation, and looked into Jennifer's. Lean but not yet gaunt, smooth and shining, the last friendly face in his world.
Why did she have to do that? She'd apologized. Again. Earnestly, he knew, feeling her words as if they were dribbling out of his own mouth. What good could that do? To say sorry - to voice a regret - it conjured up a world free of drama and misunderstanding and that horrible heartache, a tantalizing taste of a world where he could view all of his classmates not as obstacles but as allies. A horrible, bitter, nasty world, because it didn't exist and it never would and why couldn't Jennifer realize that? Didn't she understand? Was it really, honestly possible to be so, so - he scolded himself harshly for the word- ignorant? But no, he'd said it himself - you could play to survive, or to live. And she, in contrast to himself, had decided to live, to try to make people happy, to live out her last days in peace... And yet, seeking her out, wandering the island in search of a temporary respite that he knew would never end well - what in the world was he doing? He was supposed to have made his choice, consigned himself to his goal and nothing else, finding his respite with every name that blurted from the speakers and slid past his ears, avoiding that stupid drama that destroyed people. And there he was, fighting to let Jennifer raise false hopes for himself, catalyzing with every smile a future conflict that would tear them both apart. It was unconscionable what he'd done, ruining someone else for his own sake when he knew that to find true happiness he need only a sharp bla-
He opened his mouth for a second as if to speak, but merely exhaled, turning to pick out a path that would lead them away from danger, turning to save them both the pain of having Jennifer watch his careful facade falter momentarily as he squeezed back tears. He returned his gaze to scan frantically for a threat that he knew might not exist but that he couldn't afford to ignore. He looked at Jennifer once more, just long enough to begin a short address as he scooped up his bag and pointed off towards safety.
"Right."
Right. That was a good one. Could there be anything right in the world any more?
"Umm. We should leave. Quickly."
He started off on a path leading in the general direction of "away from the chick with a bow".
"Oh, and Jennifer? Don't get too close, um, someone might hit you if they miss."
((Nick Reid continued in Keep On Smiling.))
It was his turn now to hear but not listen. Spinning irrational thoughts into a tangle of paranoia, he suddenly found himself jerked back to reality, watching words spill out of Jennifer's mouth in that impossible to describe but intimately, disturbingly familiar way. She was talking about Maf, telling him he was a friend, that she wished she could've done something. Nick tried to keep his face impassive, would have succeeded if not for the biting of his bottom lip showing outwardly his intense cogitation, and looked into Jennifer's. Lean but not yet gaunt, smooth and shining, the last friendly face in his world.
Why did she have to do that? She'd apologized. Again. Earnestly, he knew, feeling her words as if they were dribbling out of his own mouth. What good could that do? To say sorry - to voice a regret - it conjured up a world free of drama and misunderstanding and that horrible heartache, a tantalizing taste of a world where he could view all of his classmates not as obstacles but as allies. A horrible, bitter, nasty world, because it didn't exist and it never would and why couldn't Jennifer realize that? Didn't she understand? Was it really, honestly possible to be so, so - he scolded himself harshly for the word- ignorant? But no, he'd said it himself - you could play to survive, or to live. And she, in contrast to himself, had decided to live, to try to make people happy, to live out her last days in peace... And yet, seeking her out, wandering the island in search of a temporary respite that he knew would never end well - what in the world was he doing? He was supposed to have made his choice, consigned himself to his goal and nothing else, finding his respite with every name that blurted from the speakers and slid past his ears, avoiding that stupid drama that destroyed people. And there he was, fighting to let Jennifer raise false hopes for himself, catalyzing with every smile a future conflict that would tear them both apart. It was unconscionable what he'd done, ruining someone else for his own sake when he knew that to find true happiness he need only a sharp bla-
He opened his mouth for a second as if to speak, but merely exhaled, turning to pick out a path that would lead them away from danger, turning to save them both the pain of having Jennifer watch his careful facade falter momentarily as he squeezed back tears. He returned his gaze to scan frantically for a threat that he knew might not exist but that he couldn't afford to ignore. He looked at Jennifer once more, just long enough to begin a short address as he scooped up his bag and pointed off towards safety.
"Right."
Right. That was a good one. Could there be anything right in the world any more?
"Umm. We should leave. Quickly."
He started off on a path leading in the general direction of "away from the chick with a bow".
"Oh, and Jennifer? Don't get too close, um, someone might hit you if they miss."
((Nick Reid continued in Keep On Smiling.))
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MurderWeasel
- Posts: 2566
- Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 1:37 am
Nick turned, searching for a path. When he spoke again, he didn't address her statements. It was probably better that way. It was presumptuous of her to apologize on someone else's behalf, anyways, even if that someone was Maf, the one person she really trusted to still be good, to be doing things that... well, she wouldn't judge right or wrong, but she was sure she'd approve of Maf's actions, for the most part. Besides, whatever had happened with Nick, it sounded like they'd both walked away relatively unharmed. That meant he just couldn't have done anything bad.
Nick suggested they head out, and Jennifer was very much inclined to agree. His next words were less happy. Stay back, in case someone missed him? Like she'd be any fucking safer anywhere else. No... no need to get upset. Nick probably was just being polite. Probably just wanted some space, but didn't want to make her feel unwelcome.
Still, he raised an interesting point. People would probably be gunning for him. Just like Phil, he had more than his share of enemies. She'd have to be prepared for that. She'd also have to be prepared to be assumed malicious simply due to her association with him. Could she do that? Was following Nick even the right thing to do at all? She was hanging around a quadruple-killer. What the fuck had happened?
But she didn't hate Nick. She didn't bear any anger towards him. She was... thankful for his company.
So she would walk far enough from him to give him space, but close enough that maybe she'd discourage anyone with apprehensions about killing from taking a shot. All she had to do was prevent anyone from attacking without taking some time to talk. She could smooth any issues out, make things okay, make it so Nick didn't have to fight anymore.
She wished she could stop all the fighting, but since there was no way that was happening, she'd have to settle for bringing a tiny bit of localized peace.
Jennifer set off after Nick, cautiously optimistic for a change.
((Jennifer Perez continued in Keep On Smiling))
Nick suggested they head out, and Jennifer was very much inclined to agree. His next words were less happy. Stay back, in case someone missed him? Like she'd be any fucking safer anywhere else. No... no need to get upset. Nick probably was just being polite. Probably just wanted some space, but didn't want to make her feel unwelcome.
Still, he raised an interesting point. People would probably be gunning for him. Just like Phil, he had more than his share of enemies. She'd have to be prepared for that. She'd also have to be prepared to be assumed malicious simply due to her association with him. Could she do that? Was following Nick even the right thing to do at all? She was hanging around a quadruple-killer. What the fuck had happened?
But she didn't hate Nick. She didn't bear any anger towards him. She was... thankful for his company.
So she would walk far enough from him to give him space, but close enough that maybe she'd discourage anyone with apprehensions about killing from taking a shot. All she had to do was prevent anyone from attacking without taking some time to talk. She could smooth any issues out, make things okay, make it so Nick didn't have to fight anymore.
She wished she could stop all the fighting, but since there was no way that was happening, she'd have to settle for bringing a tiny bit of localized peace.
Jennifer set off after Nick, cautiously optimistic for a change.
((Jennifer Perez continued in Keep On Smiling))