Three in the Morning

[Hollyquin†]

Dear diary,

Fuck.

Like, no, seriously, fuck.

So like, this is weird, because this happens to me all time. It's like some really bullshit six-step program I have going on. The Hayley Kelly method. I should patent that shit, I mean, it's worked out pretty well for me, most of the time, which I guess my therapist would have a field day with, which is why I don't talk about this shit with her anymore, but whatever, anyway. Like, okay, it usually works something like this:

- Date cute person.
- Be happy and cutesy and adorable and blah blah stupid shit with cute person.
- Eventually be bored and go to party with cute person.
- Hook up with cuter person at said party.
- If you get caught, chill a while and then return to step one. If you don't, back to step 2.
- Repeat fucking forever.

Because why not? Do you even know how many people okay stupid question, diary, if anyone knows how many people I've hooked up with it's you, I don't think I even know anymore. But like. I've been pretty happy, yeah? Like, obnoxious fuckers would probably be all OH BUT IT'S A SHALLOW KIND OF HAPPINESS HAYLEY. YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR HEART HAYLEY. YOU NEED TO FIND LURRRRRRRRRRRRRRV. And they'd spell it like that too because they are obnoxious fuckers, I just said that. Anyway. I've been happy. Yeah?

But now I'm not. Now I'm curled up on the bed and I'm actually crying. Like, there are real tears on my face. They're all salty and shit. I haven't cried in so fucking long and this should've been routine, you know, I'd even been thinking, this is it, yeah? Steps three and four? Well, I didn't think it like that, I'm not that big of a bitch, I guess, but I figured when I went to the party that some shit was gonna go down. And I even felt bad for a bit before hand, since I really did like her. Do. Do like her. That's the problem, yeah? I'm supposed to be bored and drunk and stupid and pull some shit and not care afterwards because whatever, it's time to move on, but this time it wasn't, and this time my heart hurts, like, literally, is that normal? Chest pains? Maybe I'm having a heart attack, that would top this fucking day off nicely.

He wasn't even that hot.

No, he totally was, not the point though.

Like, I barely remember his name. I barely remember his name and I remember the EXACT look she gave me when I caught up to her. "Hayley, just don't," she said. Fuck. I ran all the way home and seriously Johnny lives way too far to do that without being a bloody crazy person like I apparently am. Like that stupid line from fucking, what was it? Hercules? Keeps popping into my head. "People do crazy things when they're in love." But I stopped using the l-word a long fucking time ago because I don't hate myself, most days, except for right now.

Ema Ryan.

What the hell did this girl do to me?

She'll never forgive me. She shouldn't forgive me because I am a terrible fucking person. Like, I guess I sort of knew that, but it didn't bother me, before, you know? Now it does. Now I want to call her and apologize over and over until she has to accept that I really am fucking sorry, for real, honest, more sorry than I've ever been, but that would be a waste of everyone's time.

I need to do something. I don't know what, or how, but I can't just let this one go. I can't. I know she isn't gonna talk to me, not for a while, I wouldn't talk to me, but maybe eventually we can be friends again, at least. Probably Maddy will pull something. She always does. This is gonna be so sitcom. I LOVE YOU BOTH AND I WANT US ALL TO BE FRIENDS OKAY NOW I'M GONNA LOCK YOU IN A ROOM SO YOU CAN TALK UNTIL YOU'RE FRIENDS AGAIN. Again. Bluh. I can't handle this.

My chest still hurts and so does my head. The fucking word. Fucking love. It's sticking to me right now. I don't want to be in love, because if I am I KNOW I'm not getting over this. I want to get over this. I do. But there's kind of a hole in my heart right now, and that's freaking me out.

And I guess if I was going to say it, I'd say it right now, and I guess I have to.

I think I'm in love with Ema Ryan and I am a fucking idiot.



wl&s,
Hayley