Stayin' up 'till 4 in the morning

[Melusine]

"Waking up to find another day," she said, robotically, "the moon got lost again last night."

((Angelina continued from the last thread.))

That was supposed to be her next song.

Well, 'her' next song. A remix, something more interesting, a little bit slowler with more feedback and without the bridge. She would probably loop the chorus two or three times until it solidifies the feelings of hopeless and then play the first verse. That was her end goal, something for the girls for summer.

"Hey Maya," her finger dragged over and over her wrist, "I know you snooped through my room."

She shook her head. She was probably already disowned. Angie knew she didn't have a room anymore and it didn't really matter for her anymore. It's not like she was coming back, but there was things to be done. She decided to feign ignorance to give her family something to feed on.

"Password of my computer is chartreuse bitch in all caps with a question mark at the end." Her nail dug into her skin. The pain was fresh, it made her head clear, "you'll find the rest of my passwords in a file called 'savings'."

Angie nodded to herself. She wanted to see red. It was just to calm her. To remind her she was alive, that she wasn't in Hell yet, that God hadn't abandoned her just yet. But her nails were dull, they didn't do the job because she had bitten them raw.

"There's a bunch of audio slash music files in a folder called "No Love Lost" and there also some pictures of me inside." She sniffed. "I wanted to decide on which one was going to be the thumbnail but I guess you have to pick it now, sorry. I mean, if you want to post them. Some of them were made thinking about you guys, if that makes you feel better."

It was repeated motion. Over and over and over again, her fingers raked and scratch until she felt something. Everything felt so far inbetween, words and people and memories were all jumbled into a mess that she had to pick through without any tools. She didn't know what was imagined and what was real and what was important, it all made her sick.

"Hum, this is for Aimee." Angie nodded. This was going to be long. "I stole a bunch of your tops. They're all in my closet. I think it's only fair if you get them back."

She shook her head, again. Her hair was falling in her face.

"Actually, just keep my clothes. Do whatever you want with it: burn it, wear it, sell it, auction it, I don't care. Just don't just... do like those family who didn't touch the room of the kid that went missing and it becomes a time capsule. Fuck that, I'm not-"

Tears welled up. They were streaming down her face. Her fingers nicked and bit her arm. She had to keep going. She had her whole family to go through.

"I'm not a fucking museum." She sobbed. "I'm not a... thing you just walk inside and you go "damn, that's how she lived." Fuck that, I don't want that. I existed and I'm in your memories, that's good enough."

She was now really crying.

"I'm sorry, I love you. I love you all, I just have to make it short." She laughed softly. "Might die anytime."

"Flora, this is for you." Angie's voice was shaking. It was walking on a tightrope as the wind pushed it right and left. "If you're watching this, please don't."

She cocked her head to the side and sniffed. Flora was harder to read. She was 12. She was a child and she must be panicking, thinking she's next to die. Angie didn't want to scare her but just a warning. Something she can remember when the times are rough.

"I've been through a lot and I know, I know it's scary for you, and I know I killed-" Tears started flowing again. "I killed Ramsey. I'm so, so sorry. I wish it didn't happen but I- I panicked and I didn't what else to do. He asked me to do this to go home, but I'm so fucking scared. Can I really go home? Can I really, really be part of our family again? I don't think so."

Angie was truly wailing now. It was the only thing she could do for a minute. She had admitted her guilt to the entire world. There was no way she could go home now. A self-fulfilled prophecy that Angie had never wanted was now the only path she could take.

"Just stay kind and nice." She tried to talk but it was more a whisper. She repeated herself, louder. "Please, stay kind and nice and loving and everything that makes you, you. You're so fucking great and you're going to go nice places and people will fucking love you. You're so sweet and selfless and you don't even think about yourself when people are hurt."

Angie put her hand against her mouth. She tried to stop crying. It was harder to do than anything else she had done.

"Don't burn yourself out. Don't watch this and try to fix things, there's nothing that can be fixed about this situation. I'm sorry. I love you, please please don't watch this."

Next were her parents. There wasn't much to say to them, surprisingly. They probably already got the message. Everything she had done until now was targeted toward them.





((Angie continued to the next thread.))







"I fucking hate you."