((Michael didn't run far. He knew where he was going.))
"This is my suicide note. For real, this time. I hope."
He craned his neck back and poured what remained of his water supply down his throat, then sat down on a familiar rock, blearily staring at Jonah Heartgrave's corpse. He still looked as serene as he had when he'd died.
"It's so sad to see the world agree that they'd rather see our faces filled with flies, when I'd like to keep white roses in our eyes."
He bent down, and placed Adam Dodd's Ballester-Molina on the ground. Next to it, he placed Jonah Heartgrave's Desert Eagle. Then, he looked up at the camera.
"I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here. I'm done. I'm done running. I'm tired of you people. I'm -"
His voice broke.
"- Garren didn't have to fucking die. He didn't. And I didn't shoot him, and I won't be credited with his death, but I still fucking killed him. It happened because I was alive. So - I'm tired of fighting - "
He couldn't stop crying.
" - so, I'm ending this. It's over. I'm deciding it's over. All I do is hurt people. So I'm making sure - I'm making sure nobody else has to die because of me. I'm - I - I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to die on camera. I don't want to die on camera. But I don't have a choice. It's gonna happen sooner or later. I know she's after me - and - and I can't run forever - and - and none of what happens here is real to you. You're just watching, like this is a fucking movie. But it's real. We're real. We exist. We're -"
He looked down at the ground, and then back up at the camera. Inhaled softly.
"I've spent my whole life looking for things I've always had but had no ways to see - and I can't tell who's on my conscience and who's just on my mind and - and sometimes the world is so beautiful that it - I just start crying and - and I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not - but, but it's like I'm a jigsaw puzzle, and I've got the sides and all the corners. But there's just this big space in the middle, and I've lost all the pieces that were supposed to fit there.
"So, I'm quitting. I'm out. I don't know. Read the lyrics of Buriedfed, by Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson."
He breathed in again.
"I wanted to - I wanted to be a goddamn paleontologist. You're expecting answers to questions I'm not alive to hear you ask. This is my last song about myself. Home, by LCD Soundsystem."
He sang quietly.
"No one ever knows what I'm talking about,
so I guess I'm already dead.
And no one opens up when I scream and shout,
but it's time to make a couple things clear."
He stared into the camera one final time.
"If you're afraid of what you need,
if you're afraid of what you need.
"Look around you, you're surrounded.
It won't get any better.
"And so,
goodnight."
There was someone in the distance.
He slipped off the rock and to the ground, and then, letting what little remained of his composure slip away, he crumpled himself into a tiny ball and wailed uncontrollably next to Jonah.
Putting The Dog To Sleep
Private
Putting The Dog To Sleep
destroy the UN08/03/2019
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
((Continued))
It was her.
The inexorable.
Guilt and punishment given human form.
Like an urban legend, she emerged from over the horizon. Her form gradually taking shape through the heat haze.
He saw her and collapsed. Melting off his perch. All will to continue extinguished. The flickering candle put out. The cries and howls of torment reached her ears but she didn't stop. One foot was placed in front of the other. A death march. By the time she reached him he was already broken.
The pancor pointed down at him. The wind had caught her hair and obscured her face.
There was a brief moment of empathy.
Not of silence, but in recognition of his pain.
"Get away from him."
It was her.
The inexorable.
Guilt and punishment given human form.
Like an urban legend, she emerged from over the horizon. Her form gradually taking shape through the heat haze.
He saw her and collapsed. Melting off his perch. All will to continue extinguished. The flickering candle put out. The cries and howls of torment reached her ears but she didn't stop. One foot was placed in front of the other. A death march. By the time she reached him he was already broken.
The pancor pointed down at him. The wind had caught her hair and obscured her face.
There was a brief moment of empathy.
Not of silence, but in recognition of his pain.
"Get away from him."
Forty-five. Forty-five people were dead because of things Michael had done or things he hadn't done. He'd never stopped keeping count, and it felt like an absurdly high number, but from Beryl to Garren, he'd killed forty-five people. And they were the ones he knew about. There were more, he knew. There had to be, and
and he heard her voice. He didn't want to leave Jonah. Jonah made him feel okay and
This was happening. This was happening. This was happening. This was real. Nobody would ever know his thoughts. Nobody would ever know him. All the people who lived in his head were about to die. The Beryl who lived in his head was about to die. The universe in his head was about to die.
and it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt and he thought he would be okay when it was time for him to end but he was wrong and
he was too scared to open his eyes. He was too scared to look at her. If he couldn't see her, it didn't feel real. It was real, he knew, but what it felt like mattered more than that.
"Wh-where -" he could barely talk, "- juh-just - just tell me what - just tell me what to do. Just tell me what you need me to do."
and he heard her voice. He didn't want to leave Jonah. Jonah made him feel okay and
This was happening. This was happening. This was happening. This was real. Nobody would ever know his thoughts. Nobody would ever know him. All the people who lived in his head were about to die. The Beryl who lived in his head was about to die. The universe in his head was about to die.
and it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt and he thought he would be okay when it was time for him to end but he was wrong and
he was too scared to open his eyes. He was too scared to look at her. If he couldn't see her, it didn't feel real. It was real, he knew, but what it felt like mattered more than that.
"Wh-where -" he could barely talk, "- juh-just - just tell me what - just tell me what to do. Just tell me what you need me to do."
destroy the UN08/03/2019
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
The wind whipped around them.
His eyes were squeezed shut. As if he could will her into being a ghost or figment of his imagination.
But she wasn't.
She was real.
She was flesh and blood. Just like him. Just like his victims.
Her hair still obscured her face.
As long as his eyes were closed she existed as an idea.
The gun didn't waver.
He begged her for guidance. Asking what she wanted of him. She had already said.
So she repeated.
"Get away from him."
His eyes were squeezed shut. As if he could will her into being a ghost or figment of his imagination.
But she wasn't.
She was real.
She was flesh and blood. Just like him. Just like his victims.
Her hair still obscured her face.
As long as his eyes were closed she existed as an idea.
The gun didn't waver.
He begged her for guidance. Asking what she wanted of him. She had already said.
So she repeated.
"Get away from him."
His jaw clenched, his face scrunched up, his nails dug into his skin, his -
he'd been coughing up his own blood ever since blacking out after shooting Roxie. His heart was beating so fast. And then it would stop. And then it would start again.
Jonah, The Whale, and Captain Ahab.
Weakly, he writhed his body away from Jonah's, and into the shade. That was more fitting. Like the shady grove where Judas went to die or whatever. He didn't know. Everything he knew about the bible, he'd osmosed from music.
"J-just - oh god - I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry - and - and - it wasn't -"
He bit his tongue, and his eyes opened up. He couldn't see her face. She stood, towering. Her hair was wild in the wind.
Everywhere he looked, he still saw Beryl Mahelona. Even after all this time. He pushed it down and he pushed it down and he pushed it down but she always came bobbing back up to the surface.
He stared into the barrel of the gun. It felt like staring into the sun.
The tears slowed.
He couldn't get out of what he'd gotten into.
Everyone he'd ever actively tried to kill, he'd tried to kill because they'd reminded him of himself.
He inhaled softly.
...
"Are you killing Michael Froese the person, or are you killing what he symbolizes to you?"
he'd been coughing up his own blood ever since blacking out after shooting Roxie. His heart was beating so fast. And then it would stop. And then it would start again.
Jonah, The Whale, and Captain Ahab.
Weakly, he writhed his body away from Jonah's, and into the shade. That was more fitting. Like the shady grove where Judas went to die or whatever. He didn't know. Everything he knew about the bible, he'd osmosed from music.
"J-just - oh god - I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry - and - and - it wasn't -"
He bit his tongue, and his eyes opened up. He couldn't see her face. She stood, towering. Her hair was wild in the wind.
Everywhere he looked, he still saw Beryl Mahelona. Even after all this time. He pushed it down and he pushed it down and he pushed it down but she always came bobbing back up to the surface.
He stared into the barrel of the gun. It felt like staring into the sun.
The tears slowed.
He couldn't get out of what he'd gotten into.
Everyone he'd ever actively tried to kill, he'd tried to kill because they'd reminded him of himself.
He inhaled softly.
...
"Are you killing Michael Froese the person, or are you killing what he symbolizes to you?"
destroy the UN08/03/2019
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
His apology was a whimper.
"Sorry won't bring him back."
Then he opened his eyes and looked at her.
He looked at the one who had finally caught him.
She became real, and as such the reality of his situation became real. He realized how everything would end.
The mewling and the tears ceased.
He stared into the inevitable and it stared back unblinking.
There was a breath as he prepared himself, then asked another question of her.
Whatever answer he craved, her reply through his chest she gave.
“Did the concept of you kill him? Did the concept of you kill all the others? No, you did that."
"Sorry won't bring him back."
Then he opened his eyes and looked at her.
He looked at the one who had finally caught him.
She became real, and as such the reality of his situation became real. He realized how everything would end.
The mewling and the tears ceased.
He stared into the inevitable and it stared back unblinking.
There was a breath as he prepared himself, then asked another question of her.
Whatever answer he craved, her reply through his chest she gave.
“Did the concept of you kill him? Did the concept of you kill all the others? No, you did that."
"Mmm. Well, I hope this brings you some sense of closure anyway."
He was calm now. Not at peace, though. He'd be that when he was dead.
He wondered if Morgan was doing alright. Nick and Marco, too. He imagined how much better his life would have gone, if he'd just stayed with them at the menagerie.
He chewed on the inside of his lip, then looked past the gun, and to who was holding it.
"You ever read the last statements of death row prisoners? They're all just... they're usually just going on and on about how much they love everyone, and I... I think I get why, now."
And then, he remembered something he'd sung to Catherine.
"When you do pull the trigger, shoot me in the heart. I want them to have to look me in the eyes when they watch me die."
He was calm now. Not at peace, though. He'd be that when he was dead.
He wondered if Morgan was doing alright. Nick and Marco, too. He imagined how much better his life would have gone, if he'd just stayed with them at the menagerie.
He chewed on the inside of his lip, then looked past the gun, and to who was holding it.
"You ever read the last statements of death row prisoners? They're all just... they're usually just going on and on about how much they love everyone, and I... I think I get why, now."
And then, he remembered something he'd sung to Catherine.
"When you do pull the trigger, shoot me in the heart. I want them to have to look me in the eyes when they watch me die."
destroy the UN08/03/2019
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
He said he hoped she got closure.
As if he was doing her a favor or helping her.
As if he hadn't already robbed her of closure.
She could still remember returning to the gardens to find the body. The guilt and grief she felt. The pain that had overwhelmed her. She had left him and after everything that had happened she had no doubt if she had been there everything would have gone differently.
When she had left him it hadn't been a special moment. It had been a kiss, a hug, and a temporary goodbye. She was never going to be able to get any closure. The boy in front of her had robbed her of that chance, yet he had to gall to offer himself up.
Her arm shook momentarily as the wind picked up again. The howl of it spreading around the area, twisting and warping as it traveled through the trees.
Any remaining sympathies she'd had for him dissolved.
Her face hardened as the wind picked up again.
He gave her his last request, the wind settled and her hair fell over her face. No animals spoke or trees dared move.
Everything was quiet.
The inevitable continued to stare him in the eyes, while her finger tightened on the trigger.
"No."
She put her reply through his face.
As if he was doing her a favor or helping her.
As if he hadn't already robbed her of closure.
She could still remember returning to the gardens to find the body. The guilt and grief she felt. The pain that had overwhelmed her. She had left him and after everything that had happened she had no doubt if she had been there everything would have gone differently.
When she had left him it hadn't been a special moment. It had been a kiss, a hug, and a temporary goodbye. She was never going to be able to get any closure. The boy in front of her had robbed her of that chance, yet he had to gall to offer himself up.
Her arm shook momentarily as the wind picked up again. The howl of it spreading around the area, twisting and warping as it traveled through the trees.
Any remaining sympathies she'd had for him dissolved.
Her face hardened as the wind picked up again.
He gave her his last request, the wind settled and her hair fell over her face. No animals spoke or trees dared move.
Everything was quiet.
The inevitable continued to stare him in the eyes, while her finger tightened on the trigger.
"No."
She put her reply through his face.
No.
His eyes widened and lost focus, and his breath caught in his chest, and
no.
no
oh god
no no no no no
this wasn't right this wasn't supposed to happen it was supposed to be slow like camila and catherine and lizzie and
he deserved to bleed out slow
it was supposed to end poetically
it wasn't supposed to end painlessly it wasn't
nia was
nia was supposed to shoot him
he missed everyone so fucking much
he missed beryl and morgan even though morgan wasn't dead and he missed bree and he didn't really miss clay all that much but he missed lori and violet and jonah and garren and darlene and
oh god oh god
why
why was she doing this
he didn't even have time to have a big climactic realization he was supposed to find the moral of the story it was supposed to be a quiet thinkpiece
he'd voted her for prom queen instead of beryl
beryl was going to arizona state university he remembered that
morton's list
morton's fork
that couldn't have been a coincidence
there weren't coincidences
not in places like this
because when did coincidence cross into contrivance
there were too many deux ex machinas too many conveniences
shoes on the beach
always shoes on the beach
it had to mean something
he had so much left he needed to say
there still were so many songs he still needed to quote
exodus damage by john vanderslice
wolves by phosphorescent
he was shaking he was shaking
at least it was here by the 88
right where it belongs by nine inch nails
happy 13 by flotation toy warning
you can't choose exactly where you land but how fast you rebound is in your own hands
he was supposed to have found his rebound by now
his white whale
he just wanted someone he knew how to love in his own language
oh god
tonight his ghost would ask her ghost -
it burned it burned it burned
- where was the love -
no no no
he was screaming
it hurt it hurt it hurt
this wasn't fucking right
where was his goddamn closure where was
he didn't want his head to explode
the wind
blown away
grow up and blow away
no no no
too little too late always too little too late
he'd never even tried
he couldn't move he couldn't move
please
she was pulling the trigger
and it fully hit him, that, in a place where he didn't need to find meaning,
he could feel home again.
And so, for his very last millisecond, he was smiling so hard it hurt.
B019: MICHAEL FROESE: DECEASED
His eyes widened and lost focus, and his breath caught in his chest, and
no.
no
oh god
no no no no no
this wasn't right this wasn't supposed to happen it was supposed to be slow like camila and catherine and lizzie and
he deserved to bleed out slow
it was supposed to end poetically
it wasn't supposed to end painlessly it wasn't
nia was
nia was supposed to shoot him
he missed everyone so fucking much
he missed beryl and morgan even though morgan wasn't dead and he missed bree and he didn't really miss clay all that much but he missed lori and violet and jonah and garren and darlene and
oh god oh god
why
why was she doing this
he didn't even have time to have a big climactic realization he was supposed to find the moral of the story it was supposed to be a quiet thinkpiece
he'd voted her for prom queen instead of beryl
beryl was going to arizona state university he remembered that
morton's list
morton's fork
that couldn't have been a coincidence
there weren't coincidences
not in places like this
because when did coincidence cross into contrivance
there were too many deux ex machinas too many conveniences
shoes on the beach
always shoes on the beach
it had to mean something
he had so much left he needed to say
there still were so many songs he still needed to quote
exodus damage by john vanderslice
wolves by phosphorescent
he was shaking he was shaking
at least it was here by the 88
right where it belongs by nine inch nails
happy 13 by flotation toy warning
you can't choose exactly where you land but how fast you rebound is in your own hands
he was supposed to have found his rebound by now
his white whale
he just wanted someone he knew how to love in his own language
oh god
tonight his ghost would ask her ghost -
it burned it burned it burned
- where was the love -
no no no
he was screaming
it hurt it hurt it hurt
this wasn't fucking right
where was his goddamn closure where was
he didn't want his head to explode
the wind
blown away
grow up and blow away
no no no
too little too late always too little too late
he'd never even tried
he couldn't move he couldn't move
please
she was pulling the trigger
and it fully hit him, that, in a place where he didn't need to find meaning,
he could feel home again.
And so, for his very last millisecond, he was smiling so hard it hurt.
B019: MICHAEL FROESE: DECEASED
destroy the UN08/03/2019
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
Micheal experienced super position wherein he was both Beryl and he was Beryl's RP site quote. He was sure he could be happy about this but he no longer knew what happiness meant.
His skin split, his skull cracked, and his brain liquified. Pieces of shrapnel and residue hit her in the face but she didn't blink.
Its closure denied, the body fully slumped to the ground.
Her shaking arm finally fell and she turned away.
She scanned her surroundings. There was no one else around, just her and the corpses. Her eyes fell on the two guns Michael had discarded. The tools he had used to kill his victims. One of them she didn't recognize, while the other was familiar to her.
The Desert Eagle felt the same. The time away hadn't adversely affected it. In a way it had been stolen, only belonging to Michael in passing. He had never truly possessed it. It wasn't even hers, but she was the closest thing to a true owner it had left. She stored it in her bag. It had use as a backup weapon but its importance to her went beyond that. It was a symbol and a reminder. It held memories.
No one had come to investigate the gunshot. It appeared she would be alone until she moved on. That meant she had time.
As she approached the body she turned her back on it. Her steps were careful and cautious. It was the same as she crouched down in front of it, the stock of the pancor against the ground between her feet, her forehead resting against the barrel, eyes closed.
Brushing her hair out of her face with a hand Arizona spoke.
"I got him Jonah," She began, her voice quaking slightly, eyes wet. "I hope you know that, wherever you are." She paused and pushed her forehead harder into the side of the barrel. Her mouth opened and closed multiple times as she thought of things to say only to discard them. After a while, she spoke again.
"I miss you."
She could have spoken about Garren. About how she had accidentally killed the boy who was trying to help her. She blamed herself. If she had come up with a proper plan they would have been more organized and it never would have happened. If she had instructed him to stay outside he never would have been put in that situation. If she hadn't gone back to that fucking mansion none of it would have happened. There was nothing she could do that would have made it better, she knew that. The guilt was hers to carry. A constant reminder.
There was blood splattered on her hands and up her arms. A mixture of two different peoples with no way of separating one from the other. She could feel the patches on her face slowly drying out. Her eyes slowly rose to take in Michael's body from her position. With a weary sigh, she stood and approached him, collecting his gun as she passed it.
Using her foot to turn the corpse to the side, she pulled his pack off of him, tugging it free of his arms. Opening it up she looked inside, there was food, ammo and an electronic looking device. She took the ammo out and tossed it into her bag, the food joined it. The electronic device looked vaguely familiar to her as she turned it over in her hands. It was roughly oval or egg-shaped with a low-rez calculator style screen and a couple of buttons on its face. Pressing one of the buttons brought up a screen that read:
To whoever is reading, bury me at sea - Michael F
Arizona read the message over once, then looked down at Michael's headless corpse.
"Go fuck yourself." She said as she tossed the blood tester onto his chest.
Then she turned and walked away.
((Arizona Butler continued elsewhere...))
Its closure denied, the body fully slumped to the ground.
Her shaking arm finally fell and she turned away.
She scanned her surroundings. There was no one else around, just her and the corpses. Her eyes fell on the two guns Michael had discarded. The tools he had used to kill his victims. One of them she didn't recognize, while the other was familiar to her.
The Desert Eagle felt the same. The time away hadn't adversely affected it. In a way it had been stolen, only belonging to Michael in passing. He had never truly possessed it. It wasn't even hers, but she was the closest thing to a true owner it had left. She stored it in her bag. It had use as a backup weapon but its importance to her went beyond that. It was a symbol and a reminder. It held memories.
No one had come to investigate the gunshot. It appeared she would be alone until she moved on. That meant she had time.
As she approached the body she turned her back on it. Her steps were careful and cautious. It was the same as she crouched down in front of it, the stock of the pancor against the ground between her feet, her forehead resting against the barrel, eyes closed.
Brushing her hair out of her face with a hand Arizona spoke.
"I got him Jonah," She began, her voice quaking slightly, eyes wet. "I hope you know that, wherever you are." She paused and pushed her forehead harder into the side of the barrel. Her mouth opened and closed multiple times as she thought of things to say only to discard them. After a while, she spoke again.
"I miss you."
She could have spoken about Garren. About how she had accidentally killed the boy who was trying to help her. She blamed herself. If she had come up with a proper plan they would have been more organized and it never would have happened. If she had instructed him to stay outside he never would have been put in that situation. If she hadn't gone back to that fucking mansion none of it would have happened. There was nothing she could do that would have made it better, she knew that. The guilt was hers to carry. A constant reminder.
There was blood splattered on her hands and up her arms. A mixture of two different peoples with no way of separating one from the other. She could feel the patches on her face slowly drying out. Her eyes slowly rose to take in Michael's body from her position. With a weary sigh, she stood and approached him, collecting his gun as she passed it.
Using her foot to turn the corpse to the side, she pulled his pack off of him, tugging it free of his arms. Opening it up she looked inside, there was food, ammo and an electronic looking device. She took the ammo out and tossed it into her bag, the food joined it. The electronic device looked vaguely familiar to her as she turned it over in her hands. It was roughly oval or egg-shaped with a low-rez calculator style screen and a couple of buttons on its face. Pressing one of the buttons brought up a screen that read:
To whoever is reading, bury me at sea - Michael F
Arizona read the message over once, then looked down at Michael's headless corpse.
"Go fuck yourself." She said as she tossed the blood tester onto his chest.
Then she turned and walked away.
((Arizona Butler continued elsewhere...))