Calm Underneath it All

[Laurels]

Paige began to slow down as she reached the stop sign at the end of the street. Whenever Paige would do her exercise training in the park, she would always make the stop sign near the park entrance as her marker for the end of her exercise. Her schedule began at the very back of the park and would test her skills on hills and dirt paths.

Paige looked down at her watch. Recently, she began to time herself to see if she had been improving or not in her running.

“18 minutes and 28 seconds” Paige thought as she looked down at her watch.

That was noticeably slower for someone who normally could run three miles in less than ten minutes. Normally, Paige would try to rationalize why she would have such issues with her running. Maybe it was that woman who was walking all those dogs. Maybe it was those kids who ran in her way chasing that squirrel.

To her surprise, Paige realized that she didn't give a fuck.

Paige would normally kick herself for falling behind, but today she couldn't find a reason to actually care about whether she consistently fell into her average. Maybe it was an off day, but she just didn't see any point in actually making a big deal of it.

A week later, Paige was at a party held at her friend Sandra's house. Paige had been anticipating this party for weeks, especially since Sandra mentioned that some really cute guys would be there. For someone with very little dating experience, Paige was excited about the prospect of meeting a cute guy.

The party began normally. A few sips of cola, some cookies to munch on, a bit of dancing, and a bit of people watching. Paige was approached by a guy named Jared while she was taking a dance break. He went on and on about his football career, the car he drove, and the dumb stuff he would do with his friends.

Paige should have been eating this up. She should have wanted to actually respond to his comments, even if it meant laughing at his lame jokes. But he didn't interest her at all. The same happened with every guy she encountered that evening. Bradley's shirt wasn't that exciting, Clay's ex-girlfriend didn't mean anything to her, and she couldn't bother empathizing with Arnold when he mentioned his failing grades. Paige left the party early that night.

A few days later, Paige was at swim practice. She still felt really morose but didn't have any explanation for why this was. She was doing fine in her classes, she was still in peak physical condition, and her family wasn't having any problems. Nothing mattered anymore, and Paige was simply full of glum.

“Hey Strand,” Coach Abernathy shouted to Paige, “you're in lane three.”

Paige made her way to lane three and stepped onto the platform. She looked all around her. Even if she was in a practice lap against her teammates, Paige didn't seem to have any real motive to do well. Sure, she had a swim meet next week, but she couldn't find a reason to actually try.

Coach Abernathy blew the air horn, signaling the start of the race. Paige quickly jumped off the platform, mover her arms into a V-shape in front of her, and dove into the water. The water felt nice as it enveloped Paige. Her goggles gave her a complete view of the inside of the pool.

She could see the other swimmers beginning their freestyles. Paige didn't feel like going after them. The water was very cool and relaxing. The vortex of emptiness felt nice around Paige. She figured that this was what it was like to be in the womb. She simply curled up and closed her eyes. She could hear some muffles, but ignored them and simply floated to the bottom of the pool.

The next thing Paige realized, she was lying on the tiles next to the pool. Coach Abernathy was huddled over her giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Paige began to cough up water as Coach Abernathy began to put pressure on her chest. Paige could hear the murmurs of everyone, who were all suspecting why she didn't resurface.

The next day, Paige was sitting in the office of Dr. Rigby, a local psychiatrist with her parents by her side. Dr. Rigby explained to them that Paige was experiencing depression. Her lack of interest in her daily life and her attitude could be signs of depression. The doctor wrote Paige a prescription for some antidepressants and recommended that she come in each month to see him.

For the next few days, Paige began to see everyone look at her differently. She realized that everyone now saw her as suicidal. Some people came up to her offering their sympathies. One girl even gave her the phone number of a suicide hotline that she volunteered at. Paige simply ignored these people and continued to take her antidepressants.

As the days passed, Paige began to feel better, but she began to grow annoyed with everyone around her. Her parents were checking in on her constantly, her siblings would call home to talk to her, and of course, there were the glares from everyone. Paige just got tired of it all.

She laid down on her bed looking up at the ceiling. She slowly closed her eyes and imagined the water enveloping her again. The warm water made her feel weightless, like she was levitating above the ground instead of lying on a bed. Paige felt so free.

Paige then opened her eyes. She was in her room, dry and silent. She reached over to her dresser and pulled out a bottle of her medication. After taking some pills, she put on her track suit and shoes.

“Alright, time to fix my average,” Paige thought as she left her room.

Feeling calm, she left for the park, to run and suppress her sadness, temporarily.