We're All Mad Here

[Spindarene]

((Lily Ashburg continued from A Matter of Taste))

As Lily walked, she tried to figure out where exactly everything had gone wrong. They couldn't have been in there for more than twenty minutes, how had things escalated so quickly? She thought she knew the answer, but she ignored it, trying to find other reasons for what had happened.

She knew that the core of the problem had been Dougie. As soon as he'd seen Colin he had been aggressive and belligerent, trying to pick a fight while acting like Colin was the aggressor. She glanced over at him quickly before looking away, her stomach tightening. Something was wrong with him. What he'd done back there, that wasn't Dougie. Dougie didn't pick fights with people. He wouldn't jeopardize their safety just to prove a point. Except that was exactly what he had done.

She continued walking, trying to find a place without any people. They needed time to calm down, to adjust, and to figure out exactly what had happened before they could deal with anyone else they didn't know. She saw sand up ahead, and sped up. As she rounded the corner of the last building, she saw the beach more fully: an empty expanse of sand and snow gradually fading into water.

In spite of the situation they were in, Lily couldn't help appreciating how beautiful it was. Living in a landlocked state, she hadn't gotten to see the ocean much, but she'd always loved it when she did. She still remembered the first time she'd gone to the ocean. Her parents had decided to vacation in San Diego for a couple weeks when she was eight, and she'd spent almost every day at the beach while they were there. By the end of the vacation she had resembled a lobster more than a girl, but it was still one of her best childhood memories.

Heavy footsteps behind her brought her out of her nostalgia, and she turned around, dropping the bags by her feet. Worry and anger fought for priority as she spoke.

“You have a lot of explaining to do.”

[The Honeless Beard]

((Dougie Sharpe, A Matter of Taste))

"Yeah, apparently," Dougie said, just as testily as he turned to face her. Both hands were on the bat, fiddling with the coolness of the aluminum in the chilled wind.

"Lily, don't ever do that again. Don't ever walk up to some random - whatever, person - and strike up a conversation before we can see what they're doing. If that guy had had a knife or a gun or something and wasn't..."

He exhaled.

"We can't trust anyone here. Not when they're all concerned about death alliances and useful weapons and... fucking teammates. You have to see that."

[Spindarene]

"You have no right to lecture me about my methods of approaching people after what just happened, because in case you didn't notice, I'm not the one who almost got into a fist fight," Lily retorted, unconsciously raising her voice.

"I was trying to be diplomatic because I've seen what happens to unarmed people who are perceived as threats in here. You were the one that antagonized him; you're the one who put our lives at risk back there, Dougie, not me."

[The Honeless Beard]

"What's the dumber move, Lily. Approaching someone with no idea who they are, what they're capable of, or what weapon they have? Or assuming everyone is dangerous until they've proven themselves safe?"

Dougie threw his arms wide. "I put us in danger? If you hadn't walked over there all hunky dory, I wouldn't have had to protect you."

[Spindarene]

Lily scoffed. "You call that protection? You call baiting, threatening, and insulting some random guy protection? That's bull and we both know it. What you did back there was about you, not me, so don't even pretend like I had anything to do with it.

"Oh, and speaking of protection, thanks for telling me about Jewel. Because nothing says 'safe' like being murdered in my sleep by a serial killer you pissed off. God, Dougie, are there any other life or death decisions you've made lately that maybe I should know about, seeing as they apparently affect my life and my death?"

Lily had been gesturing animatedly as she spoke, but her hands fell to her sides as she finished. She realized that they were shaking.

[The Honeless Beard]

"You had," Dougie responded through his teeth, "everything to do with it. You started it. I can't believe you don't see how wrong you are in-"

He huffed out a breath, shook his head, inhaled deeply. Let it out.

"Jewel is about as much a threat to you," he continued, "as a random stranger with who knows what weapon. Less so, because I could've warned you. You're distracting from the real... Just don't do that again, okay? Don't just go approaching - people, and I won't have to do..."

He gestured vaguely, to the past.

[Spindarene]

“You're completely avoiding the subject!” Lily yelled. “I know you suck at straight answers, but god, Dougie!”

She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a few seconds. As she opened them she spoke slowly, trying to keep her temper in check, forcing herself to not shout.

“Why didn't you take the deal? We could have had one less thing to worry about, one less person after our heads, why the hell didn't you take that deal?”

[The Honeless Beard]

"What deal, Lily? We're in this together - that's you, and me, and nobody else. I don't trust anybody else - not with Vahka running around and Pia being a - fucking Pia, and Regina doing God knows what. As far as I'm concerned, it's you. That's it."

Dougie tugged at his beanie so hard that his black hair showed, messy and stringy from a day of no showering while being matted by purple material. He yanked on it again, irritably, ran his fingers through his hair.

"I won't - I can't let anything... Jesus fucking Christ."

[Spindarene]

Lily's rant died on her lips as Dougie spoke. She had been about to chew him out for being stupid, for being arrogant. He'd lied to her. He'd thrown a truce back in Jewel's face that could have possibly saved their lives. He'd nearly started a fight with Colin that could have ended the worst way possible. She'd been about to yell at him for caring more about being right than about their lives.

Except she knew that wasn't true. Even if she didn't understand him, even if she couldn't fathom why he'd done some of the things he'd done since they'd gotten here, she knew he'd done all of it because he cared about her.

Lily tucked some stray hair behind her ear and stared at the ground while she tried to think of something to say. Finally, she looked up, walked over to him and after a brief hesitation, gently wrapped her arms around him, resting her head lightly on his chest.

“I know,” she murmured.

[The Honeless Beard]

When Dougie stepped back, it was almost violent.

"No, you don't," he said, roughly, running a hand through the matted hair again, "and that's half the point, isn't it?"

He turned, staring off into the distance for a moment, before turning back towards her.

"Jewel was the first person I saw in- here. First person I saw here. She and Erik. She gave me-"

He paused, rustled through his bag, drew a headset. "This. She gave me this, or she threw it behind her as she left, or - or something. I have it, that's the point. So I muted it, listened for a while, heard her kill people. Heard her make the... fucking deal."

He threw the headset back into the bag, zipped it angrily. "I know the fucking stakes. I know what we're playing against. All it would take is some... psycho like Jewel to see you, and have the right-"

Gun. Motive. Attitude.

"I can't... You're... you matter. I guess that's the bottom... yeah, you matter."

He shoved his hands into his pockets, wishing the snow would swallow him up.

[Spindarene]

Lily felt surprise that quickly turned into hurt and embarrassment as he pulled roughly away from her. Her arms fell awkwardly to her sides as he started speaking, and she could feel her cheeks reddening. She kept her eyes fixed on the ground until he started digging through his bag. When she looked up, she saw that he was holding a wireless headset. She listened silently as he talked, his explanation answering some of her questions while raising others.

“So do you,” she replied quietly as he finished speaking. “You matter just as much as I do.”

After a moment's silence she asked, “Why have you been listening to her?”

[The Honeless Beard]

"Because I let her go."

That was the best Dougie could do.

"Listen, Lily. We're not... we'll never be safe here. It's too open, and I'm sure that... I feel like there's a target on my back."

Almost to illustrate the point, he glanced around.

"We need to... move on, I think."

[Spindarene]

Dougie's answer to her question worried Lily. It sounded like he was taking on a lot of responsibility that wasn't his, and the fact that he changed the subject right away reinforced that opinion. He did have a point, however, in that the beach was too open to be safe for long. Lily thought that they'd done what they'd needed to do here; they'd worked stuff out, and they were more or less on the same page.

After glancing one last time at the ocean, she nodded, picked up her bag, and started walking.

((Lily Ashburg and Dougie Sharpe continued in O Death))