PJ Summers

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Primrosette
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PJ Summers

#1

Post by Primrosette »

Name: PJ Summers
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Field of Study: Robotics
Physical Description: PJ is 6’1 and weighs 155 pounds. He is normally a pale person, but has a slight tan due to swimming. He has a round head, and a heart shaped face. There is a small scar on his right cheek, and he has a small, sharp chin, with average-sized lips that are always formed into a friendly smile. His hair is an unruly mess of black curls long enough to cover his small ears, with a single stripe of light blue on the right side. His eyebrows are a bit bushy, and his eyes are the color of dark blue. He has a set of freckles that are dotted across his nose and a few are on his right and left cheekbones. He has a deep, long scar on the middle of his left palm.

PJ normally likes to dress up in t-shirts of various colors, jeans with some chains linked up to the pockets of them for protection and some red and black plaid shirts. On the day of the trip, he was wearing a green t-shirt, a red and black plaid shirt, dark blue jeans, black leather combat boots, a black parka coat, red gloves and a dark blue, woolly hat. He is also wearing a silver cross necklace that is hidden under his coat and he is wearing black eyeliner around his eyes. He also has his mother’s copy of Frankenstein on hand for sentimental reasons even if it is a bit torn and worn on many of the pages and he has taken it on the trip.

Background:
  • PJ was born in Seattle, Washington to Robert Summers, a financial manager, and Isabella Summers, an real-estate agent. PJ is the oldest of five siblings as he has two other brothers and two sisters. The oldest sister, Taylor, is going through her final year of high school. His brothers, George and Doug, who are twins, are going through their final year of middle school. The youngest sister, Maria is in the third grade. Robert doesn't really like to spoil the children with money as he doesn't want them to be too bratty and think that they are intitled to anything that is expensive. Isabella, on the other hand, likes to award the children for good behaviour and is more easy-going on them as a result. PJ isn't that fussed about how his parents handle the money in his family and he prefers the money being saved up for important things such as food, clothes and bills.
  • His parents named him PJ as they wanted something simple for the name Paul James which is the name of Robert's father and they didn't want to make it too complicated. He doesn't mind when people ask about what PJ stands for as he jokes about his parents named him after pyjamas and PJ being just a nickname of that. He is kind of embarrassed of having two names and prefers PJ anyway.
  • PJ is actually pretty close with both his parents and his siblings. He might be seem as a bit foolish and naïve at times by his friends and family. He likes to keep loyal and supportive towards other people whenever he can. He bonds with his mother over sci-fi books as she was the one who got him into them and he and his father always discuss his love for robotics in general as his father likes to learn about what his children loves or dreams of doing in the future. He always makes sure to help Maria with her homework or babysit her when their parents can’t, even when he has moved out to live with other people. He lived with a former friend called Gus for a while and they had a falling out which resulted in him moving somewhere else. He felt bummed out over losing a friend and having to move out, resulting in him going back to staying with his family for a while. The people that he moved in with was his friends, Doug and Tonja, that he met at the coffee shop and they were working there as well. PJ is pretty close with Doug who is pretty laid-back and a stoner and Tonja is a bit bossy, but has a kind heart. PJ always teaches his brothers about swimming techniques, he makes sure to keep an eye on them when they get swimming lessons to have fun and he would always be their ride to and from the pool. He has been a shoulder to cry on for Taylor when she broke up with her girlfriend and he will always try to give her some good advice that normally helps her with how to handle things next time in a new relationship, despite his own relationship having its own issues.
  • PJ got into sci-fi books at the young age of ten, as he noticed that his mother had left a copy of Frankenstein on her chair’s armrest. His curiosity got the better of him, and he dove into Mary Shelley’s world and subsequently the genre. His mother was pleased to find a way of bonding with her son and she brought him more she thought that he would like to read. His favorite ones are The Blazing World, The Stars My Destination, Dune and Ice. He keeps a collection of sci-fi books in his room, including his mother’s book that she let him keep for himself. The collection is full of ones that his mother had brought for him as she thought that they would be his taste and he saved up some money from the coffee shop for himself to get some novels himself as well.
  • PJ decided to get into swimming at twelve as he was getting teased for being a bit overweight and he wanted to keep himself fit and healthy. He was curious about some sports at school and he found himself more intrigued to check out swimming as it looked like a lot of fun to him. He ended up joining the school's swim team and he enjoyed being a bit competitive with other students in a friendly rivalry. He also wanted people to like him more and he did it mostly to gain friends, however, he started to like swimming for himself and he likes to do it for a fun time as well. He still does swimming to this day and he enjoys doing it with his family whenever he can.
  • PJ was considered a pretty energetic and a very friendly person by other students and friends in school while he was growing up. He was a brilliant student in most of his classes, and his teachers often praised him for how smart and focused he was. He paid attention in all of his lessons, even in his worst subject, History. That subject is the only one that he got a C for, as he didn't feel like making the effort. Even when he didn’t study for any exams, the answers came to him naturally. His grades consisted of As and Bs and he was always on the good side of his teachers, being seen as a teacher’s pet by some of the other students. As a result, he was often afraid of making others jealous or envious of his grades, and worried that they saw him as arrogant. His favorite subject is Science as he enjoyed learning about Biology, Chemistry and Physics due to his love for anything that made him think of his obsession with science fiction and this started to pique his interest in Robotics slowly. His least favorite subject was History as he found it to be a bore and he didn’t think that he would use any information from the past in his future. He felt like the History lessons were too repetitive and he suffered from some mental fatigue while he was still in school.
  • PJ thought that moving out was like a new chapter in his life and he wanted to try something new, even if he was nervous about leaving his family behind. After he left his home at eighteen to live with a friend in Tacoma, PJ decided to get a job in a coffee shop as a barista and he just likes to be in a calming and a smaller environment that feels like a comfort zone. He likes to be able to put a smile on customers’ faces and he can work well under pressure when the days may get busy. He found the fast pacing and the repeating tasks a good way for him to just focus on his work over his unnecessary thoughts that he has sometimes. He still works at the coffee shop and he gets along well with his co-workers.
  • When he was twenty, he ended up in an incident when he was closing up the shop one day for his boss who trusted him for the day and was away at a family emergency. He saw a young woman getting robbed by a masked man. Normally he would call the police; but he ended up reacting on instinct when he saw that the man was trying to attack her with a knife and he ended up getting himself hurt in the process. He ended up scaring the man off and the woman became a life-long friend after he helped her out. He ended up with a scar on his palm and another scar on his face as a result. The attack did shake him up for a while and it made him not want to run into things at such a risk in the future. Since then, he was very cautious about working on his own at the cafe and told his boss that he wasn’t going to close alone ever again.
  • After a while, PJ decided that he wanted to enroll into the University of Cascadia. He wanted to study the subject of robotics, as he always liked the idea of what it would be like to have robots help people out with mundane and difficult tasks once they got to an advanced age. He has designed and made a few small robots in his room in his free time, and he is hoping to evolve them into something even better. He likes to be able to experiment, repair and tinker with his robots and even if they end up failing, he learns something new and tries again to see if he can improve it. He had managed to make a few robot arms that sometimes failed, but he glad to be able to learn how to continue improving on his own. He is hopeful that he can make an AI mini robot of his own that will be able to display both emotional and logical behaviour to be able to interact better with humans. He decided to take a course about Cognitive Science to help him understand the study of the study of thought, learning, and mental organization, which draws on aspects of psychology, linguistics, philosophy, and computer modelling.
  • PJ had never been in a romantic relationship with anyone until he met Daniella Bonifacio at the university and their relationship was very casual for a while. Daniella wanted it to be more intensely romantic, but he wasn't as comfortable with making the relationship move on too quickly. Elizabeth Rodney was introduced into the couple's relationship by Daniella as she knew her for a while beforehand and PJ ended up rolling with it as he thought it could make things more fun and exciting. He was nervous for a while as he didn't know Elizabeth that well, but they started to bond over just talking to each other and he found himself falling in love with her as well as Daniella. He feels like he is the only one who wants the relationship to be positive and full of good vibes. He knows that their relationship is full of issues such as a clash of different personalities and likely cases of jealousy, but he tries his best to avoid them and he doesn’t want to get into arguments about things failing for their relationship. He knows that Elizabeth is the current peacemaker of the relationship but feels like there is nothing that he can do to change things, so he tries to be ignorant of everything that is going wrong for the three of them and he normally stays away to hang out with his friends or other people in general.
  • PJ is a very hard-working person who likes to be a people pleaser and he has a small group of friends that he likes to hang out with in his free time. He doesn’t like to make other people upset and if things get messy, he will leave quickly as conflicts make him think of the attack from years ago. He is scared of getting hurt once again and he does think that he should have seen a therapist for his constant worries which he plans to do after the trip. He makes sure to hide his own problems behind a smile and he isn't sure if he can keep it a secret for very long.


Skills and Interests: Sci-fi novels and movies, swimming, science, robotics

Assets: PJ is a kind person which will make him approachable for other people to trust him. He is very athletic due to his swimming workout and he can be very agile with his leg strength. He can be pretty calm depending on how the situation can turn out. He likes to act decisive, being able to act quickly and likes to encourage and support other people through hard times.
Limitations: He can be a bit insensitive at times, as he tries to disregard negativity rather than actively engaging with it. This could cause rifts with others, as him trying to avoid conflict could come across as uncaring or cold. If he ends up seeing someone getting attacked, he could freeze up due to his trauma that he remembers from years ago.
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Shiola
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Joined: Wed Nov 20, 2019 3:43 pm
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#2

Post by Shiola »

Hiya Prim, apologies for the wait. PJ seems like a sweetheart! I've got a few notes for him:
[+] Notes
Name: PJ Summers
"PJ" is an unusual name; did his parents have a particular reason for naming him this, and do the letters stand for anything? Does he get asked that a lot? It'd be cool to see a point on this in the bio section.
PJ is at the height of 6’1 and at the weight of 155 pounds. He is normally a pale person, but he has a slight tan due to swimming. His head is of a rounded shape and his face looks more like a heart-shaped size. He has a small, sharp chin, normal-sized lips that are always formed into a friendly smile and a small scar on his right cheek. His hair is a bit unruly and it is a mess of black curls with a single stripe of light blue on the right side of his hair. His small ears are normally covered mostly by his hair, his black eyebrows are a bit bushy and his eyes are the color of dark blue. He has a set of freckles that are dotted across his nose and a few are on his right and left cheekbones. He has a deep, longer scar on the middle of his left palm due to a situation in his earlier life.
I have a few edits for the appearance section that could make it flow a bit easier and save some space, basically to condense a few of the sentences. Try something like this:
PJ is 6’1 and weighs 155 pounds. He is normally a pale person, but has a slight tan due to swimming. He has a round head, and a heart shaped face.There is a small scar on his right cheek, and he has a small, sharp chin, with average-sized lips that are always formed into a friendly smile. His hair is an unruly mess of black curls long enough to cover his small ears, with a single stripe of light blue on the right side. His eyebrows are a bit bushy, and his eyes are the color of dark blue. He has a set of freckles that are dotted across his nose and a few are on his right and left cheekbones. He has a deep, long scar on the middle of his left palm.
---
PJ normally likes to dress up in t-shirts of various colors, jeans with some chains linked up to the pockets of them and some red and black plaid shirts.
Out of curiosity, is this a fashion choice or as a result of the attack you describe in the profile (like a wallet chain)? It’d be cool to see this alluded to, or clarified if that’s not the case.
He also has his mother’s copy of Frankenstein on hand.
Does he just keep this on him at all times? In the profile you note that it was significant to him, but what is the significance of keeping the book on his person? If that's not the case, something like this could go in the bio section (indicating he took his mother's copy with him on the trip, for instance.)
PJ was born in Seattle, Washington to Robert Summers, a finance manager, and Isabella Summers, an estate agent.
Bit of a nitpick, but the job title would likely be worded as “Financial Manager.” Also, is PJ's mother an estate agent in the sense of a solicitor/lawyer, or a real-estate agent as in someone who negotiates real estate sales?
PJ is the oldest of five siblings as he has two other brothers and two sisters. The oldest sister, Taylor, is going through her final year of high school, his brothers, George and Doug, who are twins, are going through their final year of middle school and the youngest sister, Maria is in the third grade of elementary school.
We can break this up to make it a bit easier to read:
PJ is the oldest of five siblings as he has two other brothers and two sisters. The oldest sister, Taylor, is going through her final year of high school. His brothers, George and Doug, who are twins, are going through their final year of middle school. The youngest sister, Maria is in the third grade.
---
Financially-wise, the family isn’t too spoiled and Robert makes sure that his children are spending money in a responsible manner and Isabella sometimes gives them presents and gifts when they are well behaved or if they achieve good grades.
For the profile, the tone should be a bit more dispassionate, and frame the notion of spoiled children from the parents’ perspective. You could describe how Robert doesn’t want to spoil his children, but Isabella is easier on them and rewards them for good behaviour. Also, it’d be interesting to know how PJ feels about this. Does he think this is reasonable, or does he resent the fact that his parents are frugal?
PJ is actually pretty close with both his parents and his siblings. He might be a bit foolish and naïve at times, but he is very loyal when it comes to his family.
Another tonal point here. These sorts of judgements should be framed in a perspective. Loyalty can be a value that he holds, but foolishness and naivete seem like external judgements. Who thinks this of him?
He bonds with his mother over sci-fi books as she was the one who got him into them and he and his father always discuss his love for robotics in general. He always makes sure to help Maria with her homework or babysit her when their parents can’t, even when he has moved out to live with other people.
This is a good point that characterizes PJ really well. Can you tell me a bit more about the folks he’s moved out with? Are they friends, or just roommates?
PJ always teaches his brothers about swimming techniques and hangs out with them when they get swimming lessons to have fun.
Could use a bit more clarity here. Is he hanging out with them during swimming lessons? Typically that sort of thing would be discouraged, though I know a lot of community centers will have a viewing gallery so that parents can watch their kids. Would he hang around there, or is he a ride to and from where they get lessons? A more explicit context here would help.
]He is always the shoulder for Taylor to cry on when she break-ups with her girlfriends and he will always try to give her some good advice despite his own relationship having its own issues.
Being more specific with the syntax would help here. Having break-ups and girlfriends in the plural makes it unclear how many of either were occurring, and when - does Taylor have multiple girlfriends? Has she broken up with the same girlfriend a few different times? Alternatives could look like:

“He has been a shoulder to cry on for Taylor, who has gone through several break-ups with different girlfriends throughout high school; he will always try…”

“He has been a shoulder to cry on for Taylor when she broke up with her girlfriend…”

Also, is this advice welcomed?
PJ got into sci-fi books at the young age of ten as he noticed that his mother had left a copy of Frankenstein on her chair’s armrest and his curiosity got the better of him, making him dive into the world of Mary Shelley’s world and making him become enjoyed to read more in the genre.
You could break this into two sentences. You’ll also want to tidy up the second half here, as we use the word “world” twice.
PJ got into sci-fi books at the young age of ten, as he noticed that his mother had left a copy of Frankenstein on her chair’s armrest. His curiosity got the better of him, and he dove into Mary Shelley’s world and subsequently the genre.
---
His mother was pleased to find a way of bonding with her son and she brought him more she thought that he would like to read. His favorite ones are The Blazing World, The Stars, My Destination, Dune, and Ice. He keeps a collection of sci-fi books in his room, including his mother’s book that she let him keep for himself.
Were these books from her own personal collection, or did she start buying books for PJ?
PJ decided to get into swimming at twelve as he was getting teased for being a bit overweight and he wanted to keep himself fit and healthy. He also wanted people to like him more and he did it mostly to gain friends, however, he started to like swimming for himself and he likes to do it for a fun time as well. He still does swimming to this day and he enjoys doing it with his family whenever he can.
Was there an inciting experience that got him into swimming? A lot of times kids will pick up hobbies like these from early experiences that they happen upon. I know for myself, I really happen to enjoy swimming in lakes because it was some thing my parents made sure I was exposed to as a kid. It'd be cool to know if there was something in particular, or if he just saw someone swimming once and went "I want to do that!"
PJ was a pretty energetic and a very friendly person in school while he was growing up and he was a brilliant student in most of his classes. Even when he didn’t study for any exams, the answers came to him naturally and he doesn’t boast about it as he doesn’t like to give his ego an arrogant boost.
A few things here; as I mentioned before, it's always good to qualify where a particular judgement comes from in a profile like this. Is he regarded as these things by his peers, teachers, both? Especially with the last bit, we might want to rephrase it as "PJ doesn't want to appear arrogant."

Secondly, it sounds like we're describing PJ as someone who is intuitively gifted in school. Even if he doesn't study, does he still pay attention in class? Are there any classes that he struggles with, or finds that he needs to put in some extra effort for?
His grades consist of As and Bs and he is always on the good side of his teachers, being seen as a teacher’s pet by some of the other students.
As we're discussing a university student, this should be in the past tense.
His favorite subject is science as he enjoys liking new concepts about plants, animals, the planet and many other concepts.


We could narrow this down; in many North American high schools, science tends to narrow down to Biology, Chemistry, and Physics in senior grades. Did this tie into his interest in Robotics at all?
His least favorite subject was history as he found it to be a bore and he didn’t think that he would use any information from the past in his future.
This is an interesting tidbit that you could expand on; does this have any bearing on his personality? Does PJ learn from past mistakes, or find himself repeating them?
After he left at eighteen, PJ decided to get a job in a coffee shop as a barista and he just likes to be in a calming and a smaller environment that feels like a comfort zone.
Moving out right at eighteen can be a pretty big deal, speaking from experience! Since you mentioned a gap between when he moved out and when he enrolled in U of C, was there any particular reason he decided to leave? Especially as it sounds like he was close to his family, moving out in a city like Seattle would take a lot of effort. I'd also want to know if he moved out with anyone, since it'd be incredibly difficult to afford an apartment alone on a barista's pay.
He likes to be able to put a smile on customers’ faces and he can work well under pressure when the days may get busy. He still works at the coffee shop and he gets along well with his co-workers.
On this note, did he move directly to Tacoma, where U of C is located? A good way to synthesize these points would be to connect his moving out with his enrolling in University, maybe having taken a year between finishing high school and moving out. It's totally up to you, but I'd like to see some more context surrounding these decisions.
When he was twenty, he ended up in an incident when he was closing up the shop one day for his boss and he saw a young woman getting robbed by a masked man. Normally he would call the police; but he ended up reacting on instinct when he saw that the man was trying to attack her with a knife and he ended up getting himself hurt in the process.
The injury makes a lot of sense here, as it's really difficult to wrest a knife from someone without getting seriously injured. In my experience working in cafes, I rarely closed alone - was there a reason he did so? Did he have any reservations about working at that particular location since then?
He ended up scaring the man off and the woman became a life-long friend after he helped her out. He ended up with a scar on his palm and another scar on his face as a result. The attack did shake him up for a while and it made him not want to run into things at such a risk in the future.
This kind of thing would be a huge deal for someone, especially a younger person who had only moved out of home a few years beforehand. Has his behaviour changed since then as a result? I'd want to know a bit more about whether his view of the world changed since then, if at all.
After a while, PJ decided that he wanted to enroll into the University of Cascadia and he wanted to study the subject of robotics as he always liked the idea of what it would be like to have robots to help more people out with mundane and difficult things once they got to a much more older age. He has actually designed and made a few small robots in his room in his free time and he is hoping to evolve them into something even better.
We tighten this up a bit to make it easier to read:
After a while, PJ decided that he wanted to enroll into the University of Cascadia. He wanted to study the subject of robotics, as he always liked the idea of what it would be like to have robots help people out with mundane and difficult tasks once they got to an advanced age. He has designed and made a few small robots in his room in his free time and he is hoping to evolve them into something even better.
His reasoning for wanting to get into Robotics is really sweet, and it's one of many things you've written in this profile that make his characterization really clear, I love it. It dovetails with his relationship to his family and his interest in science fiction really well.

Is he more interested in the mechanical aspects of Robotics, or something like writing code? The field intersects with a ton of other disciplines, so it'd be cool to have a bit more context here. From what you're writing, he sounds like a tinkerer and a gearhead - if that's the case, lean into that a bit in this passage and I think it'd look great.

---

There's a lot going on here with the relationship section, and we can definitely expand it at a few points.
PJ had never been in a romantic relationship with anyone until he met Daniella Bonifacio at the university and their relationship was very casual for a while and Daniella wanted it to be more than what they have.
So this was his first relationship - when you're referring to Daniella wanting more, are you referring to it being more intensely romantic, or are you referring to the polyamorous dimension of it? Clearing it up would help define this relationship a bit more.
Elizabeth Rodney was introduced into the relationship by Daniella and PJ ended up rolling with it as he thought it could make things more fun and exciting.
This would be a good point to expand on. He's going along with this polyamorous dimension that Daniella introduced - was this because of a pre-existing friendship between her and Elizabeth, or did they meet her as a couple? Was he intimidated by this at all, given that it was his first relationship?
He seems to be the only one who wants the relationship to be completely positive and full of good vibes. He knows that their relationship is full of issues but he tries his best to avoid them and he doesn’t want to get into arguments about things failing for the three of them.
Could you define these issues? Is it jealousy? Personality conflict? Is PJ playing peacemaker between the two of them? Do they live together? Clarifying what kinds of issues they have would help flesh these relationships out more. A defined length of time on the relationship would also help frame things too.
PJ is a very hard-working person who likes to be a people pleaser and he has a small group of friends that he likes to hang out with in his free time. He doesn’t like to make other people upset and if things get messy, he will leave quickly as conflicts make him think of the attack from years ago.
This sounds to me like PJ deals with lingering anxiety as a result of the attack. Often in cases where people deal with lingering trauma, there's an inciting trigger that causes them to relive the event. What is it about interpersonal conflict that makes him think about the attack, given that it was a seemingly random event? Does he have concerns that people will get violent with him?
Skills and Interests: Sci-fi books, swimming, science, robotics
Is he just into science-fiction novels, or does he enjoy other forms of sci-fi media as well (television shows, films, video games)
Assets: PJ is a kind people at heart and this will likely make him approachable for other people to trust him, he is very athletic due to his swimming workout and he can be very agile with his leg strength, he can be pretty calm depending on how the situation can turn out and he tries his best to keep people in a positive mindset about negative things in general.
A few things. First, breaking up this passage into a few more sentences would help for clarity. Secondly, we'll want to qualify that others see him as approachable, and this is a consequence of his kind demeanour, not just a consequence of his character. Some folks are kind but prickly on the outside!

Secondly, I think we could tighten up that last sentence to jive with what you've written about PJ in his profile. He's decisive, acts quickly, and likes to uplift others, which should make it natural for him to form alliances and friendships - we can state this pretty frankly given the information that you've given already about PJ.
Limitations: He can be a bit naïve so he can end up trusting the wrong person, him trying to avoid conflict about situations could end up annoying other people and if he ends up seeing someone getting attacked; he could end up freezing up due to his trauma that he remembers from years ago.
I'd like to see his naivete qualified a bit more in the profile, maybe in the relationships section. It seems like you're framing him as someone who's well-intentioned, but conflict-avoidant and easily drawn into relationships where he takes more of a passive, people-pleasing role. Solid limitations though, these definitely seem like qualities someone would highlight as potential detriments.

That's all I've got for now! I think PJ's personality really comes out in this profile, and I just want to see a few more of those evocative examples drawn out some more.

Most of my notes on grammar & formatting are to make the profile easier for folks to read, and get that really quick top-down view on the character. The big thing is just chopping up a few of those meatier sentences into more bite-sized chunks.
Let me know when you've made some edits, and I'll give PJ another look!
SOTF: U
Evan Keane: "I guess my world was always gonna end, somehow."

SOTF Supers:
August Hanlon - "This never felt like much of a Gift."
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Primrosette
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#3

Post by Primrosette »

Edited! ^^
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Shiola
Posts: 212
Joined: Wed Nov 20, 2019 3:43 pm
Team Affiliation: Emmy's Selkies

#4

Post by Shiola »

Hi Prim! Sorry about the delay, here are my next set of edit notes:
[+] Notes
His parents named him PJ as they wanted something simple. He doesn't mind when people ask about what PJ stands for as he jokes about his parents named him after pajamas and PJ being just a nickname for that.
This works! Although I’m still curious where that particular name comes from. Initials that stand for nothing in particular may be simple, but it is pretty unusual. That is to say, it’s the kind of name that would tend to draw attention. I’d like to know if there’s at least a deeper meaning behind that choice.
PJ is actually pretty close with both his parents and his siblings. He might seem a bit foolish and naïve at times to his friends and friends.
Just want to clarify - is that last line supposed to be “friends and family?”
He likes to keep loyal and supportive towards other people whenever he can. He bonds with his mother over sci-fi books as she was the one who got him into them and he and his father always discuss his love for robotics in general.
Does his father have a particular passion for robotics? Is he mechanically inclined?
He lived with a former friend called Gus for a while and they had a falling out which resulted in him moving somewhere else.

This makes me curious - are there any details you can include here, maybe tying into his overall experiences moving out? Did he consider moving back in with his parents after this?
The people that he moved in with was his friends, Doug and Tonja, that he met at the coffee shop and they were working there as well. PJ is pretty close with Doug who is pretty laid-back and a stoner and Tonja is a bit bossy, but has a kind heart.
Cool, I like these details!
PJ decided to get into swimming at twelve as he was getting teased for being a bit overweight and he wanted to keep himself fit and healthy. He was curious about some sports at school and he found himself more intrigued to check out swimming as it looked like a lot of fun to him. He also wanted people to like him more and he did it mostly to gain friends, however, he started to like swimming for himself and he likes to do it for a fun time as well. He still does swimming to this day and he enjoys doing it with his family whenever he can.
Did he ever do it competitively in school? Many secondary institutions and post-secondary schools have swim teams.
PJ was a pretty energetic and a very friendly person by other students and friends in school while he was growing up and he was a brilliant student in most of his classes as most of his teachers seemed to praise him for how smart and focused he was.
We can tweak this passage a bit. See below:
PJ was considered a pretty energetic and a very friendly person by other students and friends in school while he was growing up. He was a brilliant student in most of his classes, and his teachers often praised him for how smart and focused he was.

Even when he didn’t study for any exams, the answers came to him naturally and he didn't want to appear arrogant to other people as he didn't want to risk people getting jealous or envious. He paid attention in all of his lessons, even in his worst subject, History, and that subject is the only one that he got a C for as he didn't feel like making a big effort for it. His grades consisted of As and Bs and he was always on the good side of his teachers, being seen as a teacher’s pet by some of the other students.
I get what you’re going for here. I think if you rearrange the sentences, it’d seem to flow more naturally in the profile. See below:
He paid attention in all of his lessons, even in his worst subject, History. That subject is the only one that he got a C for, as he didn't feel like making the effort. Even when he didn’t study for any exams, the answers came to him naturally. His grades consisted of As and Bs and he was always on the good side of his teachers, being seen as a teacher’s pet by some of the other students. As a result, he was often afraid of making others jealous or envious of his grades, and worried that they saw him as arrogant.
---
His favorite subject is Science as he enjoyed learning about Biology, Chemistry and Physics and this started to pique his interest in Robotics slowly.
Was this tied into his interest in science fiction at all, or was he enticed by something else? Drones, or some other real-world example?
PJ thought that moving out was like a new chapter in his life and he wanted to try something new, even if he was nervous about leaving his family behind. After he left his home at eighteen to live with a friend in Tacoma, PJ decided to get a job in a coffee shop as a barista and he just likes to be in a calming and a smaller environment that feels like a comfort zone.
So, having worked as a barista for many years - the environment is often not at all calming! That said, they are often places that folks find comforting and the pace of life and energy in them can be comforting. I’d think I know what you’re going for here, but elaborating would help. Is it the case that he finds the repetitive nature of the work and the fast pace as a kind of respite from his thoughts? PJ sounds like a really imaginative person with a head full of big ideas, and I can see how he’d like an opportunity to refocus.
He was more cautious about working at the shop, making sure to leave on a shift with another co-workers and told his boss that he didn't want to close up the shop which he understood why.
You can condense this a bit:
Since then, he was very cautious about working on his own at the cafe, and told his boss that he wasn’t going to close alone ever again.

He has designed and made a few small robots in his room in his free time and he is hoping to evolve them into something even better. He likes to be able to experiment, repair and tinker with his robots and even if they end up failing, he learns something new and tries again to see if he can improve it.
I’d love to read an example of something that he made. When I was a kid there were these kits for robotic arms that people used to make - is it something like that?
He is hopeful that he can make an AI mini robot of his own that will be able to display both emotional and logical behaviour to be able to interact better with humans.
This isn’t something you have to put in, but you might want to look up Cognitive Science - it’s an academic field that often intersects with a number of disciplines, and sometimes discusses the intersection between the physical body and the “minds” of artificial constructs. I could see PJ taking a few of those courses.
PJ had never been in a romantic relationship with anyone until he met Daniella Bonifacio at the university and their relationship was very casual for a while and Daniella wanted it to be more intensely romantic but he wasn't as adventurous as she was.
One thing that would help, and this comes up through the profile a few times, is breaking up some of these sentences into several, as they cover a bit too much ground at once. Try to go through the profile as a whole and see if you can break up some of the sentences if possible.

Also, I’m curious how some of these statements connect. You say that she wants the relationship to be more intensely romantic, but PJ isn’t as adventurous. I’m wondering if it might be more accurate to say that she wanted the relationship to move more quickly than he was comfortable with, as it was his first time being with anyone.
He seems to be the only one who wants the relationship to be completely positive and full of good vibes.
This is a fairly subjective judgment, but it’d work fine if you tweaked it to say that he feels he’s the only one who wants the relationship to be positive and full of good vibes. I also like the phrasing there, but you could throw it in quotes or italics to make it clear that those are his words. Your call!
He knows that their relationship is full of issues such as a clash of different personalities and likely cases of jealousy but he tries his best to avoid them and he doesn’t want to get into arguments about things failing for the three of them. He knows that Elizabeth
Is this leading into the next set of sentences, or is there something left out here?
the current peacemaker of the relationship, but feels like there is nothing that he can do to change things, so he tries to be ignorant of everything that is going wrong for the three of them and he normally stays away to hang out with his friends or other people in general.
Yikes! That sounds like a difficult situation. This dovetails with his conflict avoidant nature really well.
He is scared of getting hurt once again and he does think that he should have seen a therapist for his constant worries which he plans to do after the trip.
Oh, no! Last point - does anyone around PJ notice this? It sounds like he’s carrying quite a mental burden.
Assets: PJ is a kind person which will make him approachable for other people to trust him. He is very athletic due to his swimming workout and he can be very agile with his leg strength. He can be pretty calm depending on how the situation can turn out. He likes to act decisive, being able to act quickly and likes to encourage and support other people through hard times.
A few edits for clarity:
Assets: PJ is a kind person and others find him approachable and trustworthy. He is very athletic and agile due to his swimming workout. He can be pretty calm depending on the situation. He likes to act decisively, acting quickly and encouraging and supporting others through hard times.

Limitations: He can be a bit insensitive of how other people might feel as he tries to ignorant anything that can be a negative to him and this could make people a bit irked off by his behaviour, him trying to avoid conflict about situations could end up annoying other people and if he ends up seeing someone getting attacked; he could end up freezing up due to his trauma that he remembers from years ago.
So this should definitely be broken up into a few sentences. Also, I’m wondering if this isn’t a bit contradictory to some of what’s been said before, in that he’s described as very empathetic and caring. Something like this could work better:
Limitations: He can be a bit insensitive at times, as he tries to disregard negativity rather than actively engaging with it. This could cause rifts with others, as him trying to avoid conflict could come across as uncaring or cold. If he ends up seeing someone getting attacked, he could freeze up due to his trauma that he remembers from years ago.
Lemme know when you've done the edits and I'll have another look!
SOTF: U
Evan Keane: "I guess my world was always gonna end, somehow."

SOTF Supers:
August Hanlon - "This never felt like much of a Gift."
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Primrosette
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#5

Post by Primrosette »

Edited!
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Shiola
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#6

Post by Shiola »

APPROVED.
SOTF: U
Evan Keane: "I guess my world was always gonna end, somehow."

SOTF Supers:
August Hanlon - "This never felt like much of a Gift."
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