Melodie has a girl talk with Voices about death and how she doesn't fuck (Interlude multishot A)

[Yonagoda]

"You know," She looked up from her phone, "I think it's really weird how adults write about teenagers having sex. Like there's two kinds of weird, one where they make it abundantly clear that they're all awkward teens in a realistic way where it probably should be realistic, I dunno, I don't have a boyfriend, and like OK sure at least they're not glamorizing it but it also makes it super clear that they're teens and that kinda means it feels gross and weird. And the second, grosser type, is the kind where you're like wow this is kind of like those barely legal stepdaughter stuff' and wonder why in the hell are those kids not adults yet because it wouldn't make any difference, like, no teen has fuzzy handcuffs and butt-"

"So what, are we supposed to pretend teens don't have sex? I mean it's weird that you're talking about adults talking about teens talking about sex since you're, like, also a kid."

"I mean..."

"No I get it, like, yeah you feel uncomfortable. But you're also the kind of person that likes to make other people feel uncomfortable, and when they call you out you just tell them to turn their heads away and say that it's because you fell into the wrong tumblr groups when you were little. Isn't that... kind of, um... Sort of hypocritical?"

"Yeah I know. But also, at the same time- it's different, because I'm a kid who isn't capable of consenting and puritanical internet culture raised me, and they're... different. Yeah. I don't know how to word this."

"Or you don't know how to justify yourself."

"Or I don't know how to justify myself. Still. It's still so weird because I'm the kind of person who got told that I looked and acted oh-so-mature and guys thought I'm older than I am a lot, and that sort of applied to the relationships online. I think I've just... really been a knee-jerk person. I assume the worst of anyone talking about anything sexual. Because I've grown up being told that people will try to groom me and I've also grown up with guys just... I don't even wanna say it, man."

"Why didn't you tell them earlier?"

"Dunno. It's not an important enough part of me to list. Like, there's only a select amount that people should know about me- profiles online, resumes, all that. And "Oh I'm like super sex repulsed but I still year for a person's romantic comforting touch to the point where I think I'm going insane" isn't really needed anywhere except for RP servers that ask you for you and your character's sexuality, and that's... like a lot of them? Weird. Huh."

"Maybe you just like the concept of yourself as this sort of incorruptible pure little innocent baby child. But like you and me both know that's not the case. You're someone who knows more about weird stuff than most people and you snicker in health class whenever they say something like cervix. And we're only having this conversation because you suddenly, like, came across something kind of weird but you're still too chickenshit to tell them yourself?"

"Not really. if I wanted to tell them I would. I just sort of found talking about it with... some neutral party, even myself, to be better. And also I guess I've always been poor at articulation in more ways than one. And if I were to actually confront anybody in any significant matter over an opinion that they hold strongly opposed to mine I'd instantly die. So I kind of just am a catty bitch who like vagueposts about stuff. Well, """vague""" lmao."

[Yonagoda]

"I sort of wonder if anyone genuinely has a meat phobia and I couldn't tell because they are like Kyle or Astrid or Nora and I just can't read their expressions so I'm constantly like traumatizing them and then they get grossed out by me."

"Do you think if Sayuna looked directly into my eyes I'd feel happier? Or sadder? There's a lot of potential actually. In so many gifts. I don't want to waste any of them."

"No you're actually wrong, every single set of normal teeth had the capability of munching through fingers. I don't think like it's funny to go "Kyle monch and cronch ur finger bones" if I wanted your fingers gone they'd be gone."

"Man, I can't believe like teens actually do onlyfans. Like I don't know man if anyone acknowledges me as physically attractive I think I'll off myself. Who even wants to pay for some teen girl's foot pics, just, like, google."

"Why is Moose named Moose? Did his parents hate him that much?"

[Yonagoda]

Did you know that 10 to 30% of people have accessory spleens? Melodie heard about them once, and she was sort of weirded out by that- what do you mean you have spleen outside of your spleen? But then one day Cyrus told her about someone that he knew who had an accessory spleen, and she was like, woah I wish I have spleen outside of my spleen too.

In truth Melodie just enjoyed being unique. She wanted weird eyes like Astrid and Auggie, and she wanted weird spleens like Cyrus' friend. It was sort of funny sounding too. Accessory spleen. Like you wear an extra spleen as jewelry or something. Just two words that don't fit together fitting together, that's all.

Spleen, spleen, spleen, spleen, spleen. Semantic satiation's taking a hold on her.

''That's a pretty dumb thing to get hang-ups about,'' he said, and Melodie sort of shutted up.

[Yonagoda]

''Oh my god why is everyone getting laid. Fucking Jenelle is getting laid. Like don't get me wrong I like... I get why but... I just, like, ugh. Yeah. Y'know?''

She faked a laugh and felt bad for saying that but she needed to prove a point and she needed a scapegoat and she needed to throw someone under the bus in a way that looked funny.

''What is this, Riverdale? What's even up with all these... you know what whatever.''

Cyrus shrugged. She sort of realized that maybe she shouldn't have talked like that because he was also a bit of a... what, manwhore? Like, he dated a lot of people. Well, not dated more like just kissed a lot of them but whatever.

Whatever. She caught him looking at her and she instinctively averted her eyes a little.

''I've been thinking about other people too much. Maybe I shouldn't do that.''

[Yonagoda]

Fot her birthday Melodie sent a half dozen pack of patterened reusable masks for Nora.

The next day she saw her wearing the dinosaur-printed ones, and that joy lasted for the entire day.

Then the day after that she wore a mask that Melodie didn't give her. She was a litrle crushed, but she didn't let her know.

[Yonagoda]

[+] She knew as she looked down at the graphically sexual voice message that she should absolutely not send it, but someone made her mad earlier that day, and she was in a bad mood and it would feel so good to finally press send for once, and it would feel so good to actually allow herself to let go and be terrible the way she is, and it would feel so good for her to stop being herself-

Listen I

I just

Wanted to finally see you get a taste of your own goddamn medicine. Like

[nervous laugher]

You're absolute scum of the earth. I mean it. The way that you talk and tread the earth as if everyone who you've ever met owes you for coming in contact with your gracious fucking presence.

And it's like

Fucking unfair actually

That you have this kind of confidence.

You think every woman owes it to you to suck your cock and that every child should respect you as an authority and every single member of the old generation should part for you as you're a sign of the new era, dawn of the new fucking age, like, no you're not, you're a pathetic crypto bro and sex abuser. And a pedophile because I'm literally seventeen.

OK yeah that sounded weird but also you talk like this when rambling about the tit size of your anime waifu anyways.

Seriously it's like

OK how do I explain it to you

I don't want to fuck you. Ever. I don't find a single attractive thing about you. You are pathetic and miserable and not a single physical nor mental trait will ever endear me to you.

You think your four inch cock and your portfolio are god's gift to girls on the earth well

I'm here to tell you that you are being delusional.

Seriously.

If you ever send me a picture of your dick again I swear to god

I will

Like

Grab your vtuber body pillow and make you lick the dry crust you've probably made on it.

And I will un

Take a knife and track you down. I straight up like

uh

Fuck it whatever.

You'll probablt get off to it anyways.

So

[laughs]

You probably would've blocked me by now but

It was nice to let it out

Like

Sort of how you justified beating it on voice call actually.

Letting it out.

Seriously though

The world is better off without you.

Melodie looked at the post. She clicked the three dots on the side. She pressed delete.

[Yonagoda]

Melodie laid on the soft bed. Her pajama shirt was rolled up from her turning around so much. She had one hand on her phone and the other one tracing down her unshaved, lower-outer thigh, rubbing circles against the scar from when she was thirteen and tripped over someone's skateboard. Her mother told her that she should be dating at this age, but she couldn't see herself being in an actual relationship with anyone ever. She was sort of lost in her own world again, indulging in daydreams (nightdreams?) that are the sappy wish fulfilling romantic kind only capable of being dreamed up by someone whose never dated before and could therefore pretend that all relationships are Good and Pure without being hit that hard in the face by real life.

She wanted.

She wanted...

She wanted someone she could love. Really. Just for the sake of loving. It was dumb but her life felt so lonely sometimes without a person to anchor ti.

She wanted sharp teeth and sharper fingers and someone kissing her in the forehead. She wanted hugs in the front door, hands full of groceries for two. She wanted picnics underneath the sunset and meadows and chocolate and starry skies. The sappy unrealistic bullshit that they show in movies.

Gradually fake constructs transitioned into almost-real people. Nor entirely real, because a layer of her own imagination and flaws and perception of them and the world had distorted these personalities and bodies into charicatures and exaggerations. She was the story-teller here, not other people. And it was within the confines of her own mind. Nothing she thought of or said here could impact anything that other people think or say or do, because this wasn't real. This wasn't real and if she didn't say it, if she truly was the writer, the master, the director in this play, then nobody would ever know these embarrassing turning of squeaky cogs in her head.

Nora... maybe? Like, she could actually kinda see dating Nora, but she wasn't sure about her... anything. She was so small. Melodie wanted to just pick her up and hold her and keep her there. She wanted to be a better friend for her when she knew what her body was suffering. She wanted to see her in those dinosaur printed masks and she wanted to her her laugh and she wanted-

No.

She shouldn't want that.

Then, what?

Cyrus? He wasn't nice but at least he was polite. He was taller than her and bigger than her and wasn't her type but what he was, was the kind of body that made her feel like her own wasn't bloated and clunky. She didn't really look at them too much because she didn't allow herself to, but his eyes, too, were kind of his most beautiful trait. It's a shame what he could do with them. She couldn't imagine a world where they were a thing, sure, but there could be a modified version of Cyrus within her own head, the kind that laughs at her jokes and puts his arms around her when she was sad. If she dates him mom and dad won't question if she's into girls, or not into guys, or whatever.

Eyes, eyes.

Astrid. Looking at her. Staring her down, reflection in that pool of pure black. A stray thought that sort of transitioned into a brief second's worth consideration, a what-if.

But she barely knew the girl.

Sydney's body enveloping her own, teeth nipping at her finger like a cat, lazy cold sunday mornings with Melodie's body used as a heater. Running her fingers over the scales. Buying scarves. Making Raja laugh with a well-placed joke while eating dinner, hearing just the barest hint of his voice, his loss of control. Discussing that one book with Anatoly while three inches apart on the couch. Mercedes. Her arms. Her hair. Her smile. Awkwardly trying to be on the other ends of the bed to minimize overheating, laughing about it. She's, uh, like a frying pan and Melodie's the... um... the egg, and oh god this romcom is falling apart.

Fuck, like, even Crispy. She wanted to stroke his fuzzy tail so badly. Is is soft? Are his ears sensitive? Does he have freckles on his shoulders? She's just curious. She never knew what it felt like to have a body that wasn't traditionally normal. God she's so stupidly lonely...

Lily showing her little illusions of hearts and cats and laughing in a way that makes her freckles scrunch up and her hair messy enough in the mornings that all the rainbow colors blend into each other, forming muted oranges and blue-greys and new colors. Yvette, even though she's probably straight. Running her fingers through the blonde locks. Putting on new styles of eyebrow makeup.

And then-

Melodie groaned. Frustration bubbled up inside her. She didn't even want all these people, and they were all unobtainable. And worst of all they're all fake, and she knew she was just settling for these replications of them, reprogrammed simulacra meant to cater to her own odd interpretations of love and romance. Because she needed to put a face to it, she wasn't creative enough to come up with the details, so her brain decided to just use actual people instead. Why did she just think about that? Why was she so deprived and depraved and fucking affection starved like this? She didn't think about anything more intense than clothed bodies slotted against each other and the smell of shampoo in a lover's hair, but still...

she felt as if she wanted to sink into the earth and cry.

[Yonagoda]

''Like I'm kind of like a slut for hugging. Like. I don't ever want anyone thinking about me sexually ever but damn can a hot person just hold me in their arms?''

''... then why did you use the word slut?''

''Goddammit it's a JOKE stupid ambiguous voice from probably inside my head.''

''Mm-hm. Keep justifying.''

''We're not supposed to talk about this!''

[Yonagoda]

Melodie had a 3.7 GPA unweighted. Had.

[Yonagoda]

''By the way,'' the boy said, ''Do you think about what would happen if you suddenly died? I kinda think about that a lot. Like I should set up a scheduled on my tumblr that says I died if I don't prevent it from getting posted.' I've heard about a girl doing that once. Except she deliberately killed herself.''

''That's kind of fucked up my guy.''

''I'm just saying, I mean.''

[Yonagoda]

So Melodie actually did tell her parents what people should do to her body when she dies. She was fourteen when she told them, and it was because she saw on the news that a girl her age was found dead in a man's bathtub when the FBI raided his house.

She said that she wanted to be eaten. Like those ritualistic cannibals in like Paupa New Guinea that did it as a sign of respect, so that it won't rot or be eaten by bugs or anything. Except she was sort of fine with getting eaten by bugs, she just sort of... wanted to give people that experience, you know? Melodie was technically a cannibal but a lot of people aren't, and there was a case where a man in Germany agreed to eat another man in Germany, and, well, he was charged with murder but still. People wanted to do weird things, and Melodie saw no need for any respect for the dead or whatever if it's about her own corpse

Her mom told her that she was weird. Her dad told her that, if she's sure about it, she should probably specify what specific recipes she wanted, and so she said 'every dish mentioned in the Modest Proposal' because she thought it was funny at the time.

She also wanted her skull to be a paperweight on some cool person's desk and she wanted her brain to be preserved in a jar and she wanted someone to make leather from her skin. She wanted to live on physically in everyday objects and interesting experiences. The way she saw it, if someone in the future went ''Hey do you know that this cool looking sword actually has a finger bone from a girl named Melodie embedded into the handle' or whatever she'd still be alive in a sense, right?

She got so passionate trying to explain this to her parents that she forgot to tell them to also delete the 25 gigabyte collection of yaoi manga she had stored on her computer.

[Yonagoda]

Melodie actually like Cupcakke. And, like, Doja cat and singers like that. Like, no, seriously, the beats are good and sometimes AJJ and Of Montreal and those songs about the deep intrinsic parts of human nature are just too depressing and all. Sure it was sort of impossible to sing them out loud, but once in a while she turned on the playlist with COBRAH and that CPRxMiseryxReese's Puffs remix and it... worked? She never liked sports nor dancing but the music made her want to shuffle her feet and wave. It's some sort of Disney Musical shit, she swore.

She doesn't actually know what half of it all means because they were obscure sexual references made for and by people who aren't total virginial 18 year olds like her, but still.

[Yonagoda]

[Verse 1]
I'll take the rocks out of my head
And you can sell them on the internet
To a paving company who
Will grind my brains into cement

[Verse 2]
I spent the winter with my nose buried in a book
While trying to restructure my character
'Cause it had become vile to its creator

[Chorus]
I have seen what the darkness does
Say goodbye to who I was
I ain't never been away so long
Don't look back, them days are gone
Follow me into the endless night
I can bring your fears to light
Show me yours and I'll show you mine
Meet me in the woods tonight

[Bridge]
Oh...
I gotta get away
From myself
I gotta get help
Oh...

[Verse 3]
Oh, look, the rays are in the bay now
Can you hear the waves and the cicadas all around?
I can make anything real

...

[Verse 5]
I'm flunking out, I'm flunking out, I'm gone, I'm just gone
But at least I author my own disaster
At least I author my own disaster

[Outro]
You want a revelation
You want to get right
But it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight

[Yonagoda]

Melodie never really knew that much about music.

[Yonagoda]

Melodie listened to The Mute as the background noise for her ap lang/comp rhetorical analysis essay. She didn't remember a single word of it.