“Hey Vas...”
((Fisk Bateman continued from Mortal Kombat.))
Metal steps made their way up metal stairs. Fisk rolled his shoulder, the smaller pops only mildly relieving, as there was still a noticeable amount of pressure in his shoulder to be perpetually uncomfortable. It would be like that for the rest of the game most likely.
Fisk leaned over onto the railing, only putting weight on his good arm.
“I uhmm... I-“
He sighed.
“I- I fuck... Can we talk? I got- I...”
Of every crime he’s committed on this island, this would be the hardest one.
I confess the incandescence of a dying light
‘ Consume me through the night’ (private)
I confess the incandescence of a dying light
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
... Can they talk?
Talk about what?
"Yeah," he said.
"What do you need?"
There was no use in talking if it wasn't about surviving.
He wished, desperately, that they could talk about everything else.
Talk about what?
"Yeah," he said.
"What do you need?"
There was no use in talking if it wasn't about surviving.
He wished, desperately, that they could talk about everything else.
“I just-“
“I-.
There was the barely audible tapatatatap of Fisk’s leg shaking. There was the more audible shakiness of his breath. Out of reflex Fisk reached for his coat pocket for courage, but stopped himself.
He needed everything to be said to be him, and he needed the courage himself.
“I... d-do you remember our first night here? After- after what we did to Calla?”
“I-.
There was the barely audible tapatatatap of Fisk’s leg shaking. There was the more audible shakiness of his breath. Out of reflex Fisk reached for his coat pocket for courage, but stopped himself.
He needed everything to be said to be him, and he needed the courage himself.
“I... d-do you remember our first night here? After- after what we did to Calla?”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
...
What was the purpose of this?
"Yeah,"
"um,"
"Are you OK?"
What was the purpose of this?
"Yeah,"
"um,"
"Are you OK?"
There was a short chuckle. It was genuine.
“No.”
“I’m- I’m not okay. I- I haven’t been since- since Giselle.”
Fisk looked at the ground. He was ashamed the whole world got to see him like this, at his weakest, but more so that Vasily would.
Fisk inhaled.
Exhaled.
Looked up.
“I’m... Im fucking scared dude.”
“No.”
“I’m- I’m not okay. I- I haven’t been since- since Giselle.”
Fisk looked at the ground. He was ashamed the whole world got to see him like this, at his weakest, but more so that Vasily would.
Fisk inhaled.
Exhaled.
Looked up.
“I’m... Im fucking scared dude.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
"I am, too.
But that's how they get to you."
Fisk was opening his heart to him and it felt so fragile, so easy to crush-
He can't pity him.
But he hated him and he loved him and he was going to leave him at one point or another and it stung.
Vasily leaned against the railing and shrugged.
"You're probably the toughest out of all of us, Fisk. And I know you'll get far ahead."
(further than him, at least.)
(the dice was never rolled right for him at the beginning.)
"But if you need to take a break and admit that things aren't going well that's fine."
But that's how they get to you."
Fisk was opening his heart to him and it felt so fragile, so easy to crush-
He can't pity him.
But he hated him and he loved him and he was going to leave him at one point or another and it stung.
Vasily leaned against the railing and shrugged.
"You're probably the toughest out of all of us, Fisk. And I know you'll get far ahead."
(further than him, at least.)
(the dice was never rolled right for him at the beginning.)
"But if you need to take a break and admit that things aren't going well that's fine."
“I’m not the strongest though...”
“I’m just... I’m just good at pretending I am.” His chest rattled. “I- I fucked up with this whole thing. I got you guys in trouble over and over again trying to get us out, a-a-and every move I make feels like I have to bury another one of you, a-and I- I don’t know if I can anymore!”
He didn’t care about the cameras anymore. Let the world say what they wanted to say. They didn’t matter, they never did. What hurt now was the fact he had to tell the truth.
“I got you into this. This was me, t-this was all me, and I’ve been spending every day pretending this was all part of the plan and that we just got to get to the end and this will work and-“
He threw his shades to the ground. Heard them break. Fisk was crying.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t-“
“ I don’t think we’ll even make it to the end at this point, and I’ve been playing this in my head over and over again trying to see if I can change, and I can’t!”
“I’m fucking sorry Vas! I just... I just wanted a chance to see my friends, to-to be with them and to lead you guys to victory! I wanted to be known as the one who beat the system on his terms and I was selfish, and I made you guys commit to shit I knew you weren’t comfortable with, and I thought it was okay because if we worked together we’d make it to the end and even if they said no, we’d still be friends in the end-“
“And I know we’re not... I used you guys to my ends, and I wanted to play hero, and I knew this would kill me in the end, but I’d be okay with it, because everyone would remember me as the one who gave himself up so one of you could go home-“
He fell to his knees.
“But none of us will. I knew I was done for the moment I woke up. I was ready, to give up if this didn’t work, because my life isn’t shit and I’m not worth shit, and I thought that at least one of my friends will go home.”
“I was okay with that, because all I wanted was my friends to remember me.”
“I’m just... I’m just good at pretending I am.” His chest rattled. “I- I fucked up with this whole thing. I got you guys in trouble over and over again trying to get us out, a-a-and every move I make feels like I have to bury another one of you, a-and I- I don’t know if I can anymore!”
He didn’t care about the cameras anymore. Let the world say what they wanted to say. They didn’t matter, they never did. What hurt now was the fact he had to tell the truth.
“I got you into this. This was me, t-this was all me, and I’ve been spending every day pretending this was all part of the plan and that we just got to get to the end and this will work and-“
He threw his shades to the ground. Heard them break. Fisk was crying.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t-“
“ I don’t think we’ll even make it to the end at this point, and I’ve been playing this in my head over and over again trying to see if I can change, and I can’t!”
“I’m fucking sorry Vas! I just... I just wanted a chance to see my friends, to-to be with them and to lead you guys to victory! I wanted to be known as the one who beat the system on his terms and I was selfish, and I made you guys commit to shit I knew you weren’t comfortable with, and I thought it was okay because if we worked together we’d make it to the end and even if they said no, we’d still be friends in the end-“
“And I know we’re not... I used you guys to my ends, and I wanted to play hero, and I knew this would kill me in the end, but I’d be okay with it, because everyone would remember me as the one who gave himself up so one of you could go home-“
He fell to his knees.
“But none of us will. I knew I was done for the moment I woke up. I was ready, to give up if this didn’t work, because my life isn’t shit and I’m not worth shit, and I thought that at least one of my friends will go home.”
“I was okay with that, because all I wanted was my friends to remember me.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry that I got you into this.”
“I’m sorry I don’t know the way out.”
“I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for the people I’ve hurt and killed to get here.”
“But most of all I’m sorry if I hurt you, and James, and Giselle, and Keegan, and Bacchia.”
“I’m sorry that I got you into this.”
“I’m sorry I don’t know the way out.”
“I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for the people I’ve hurt and killed to get here.”
“But most of all I’m sorry if I hurt you, and James, and Giselle, and Keegan, and Bacchia.”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
He wondered how much more Fisk would crumble if Vasily went through what he wanted to go through.
Then, he frowned and patted Fisk’s back.
“You know, you don’t have to keep this up if it’s killing you.”
(A half-lie.)
“This isn’t your fault, you know- we are dying, sure, but so are others. This is how the game goes. And they want you to think you’re a failure, but here’s the thing: Everybody fails in the end. Nobody in here would get what they want.”
Vasily sighed.
“Not even the winners.”
A quick glance at the camera, a fidget of his sleeve.
“You didn’t hurt any of us. It’s just- I’m not going to say that you failed at keeping us safe from others hurting us, but- but this system is designed for you to fuck up, Fisk. They want to see us hurt. That’s why this whole thing exists in the first place. They’ll never let us succeed because that means there’s a hole in the system that others could exploit, because there's this false hope of a happy ending that we’ll make.”
(The best they could hope for was a bittersweet ending, and his was...)
Fisk was a better person than he was. And he knew that. If people could read his thoughts, could pry into them…
Vasily dropped onto his knees next to Fisk. He wrapped one hand around his back, one around his chest, half hugging him and half holding him steady.
“Maybe this would all crash and burn, but… but at least you tried. We made our mark, right?”
Then, he frowned and patted Fisk’s back.
“You know, you don’t have to keep this up if it’s killing you.”
(A half-lie.)
“This isn’t your fault, you know- we are dying, sure, but so are others. This is how the game goes. And they want you to think you’re a failure, but here’s the thing: Everybody fails in the end. Nobody in here would get what they want.”
Vasily sighed.
“Not even the winners.”
A quick glance at the camera, a fidget of his sleeve.
“You didn’t hurt any of us. It’s just- I’m not going to say that you failed at keeping us safe from others hurting us, but- but this system is designed for you to fuck up, Fisk. They want to see us hurt. That’s why this whole thing exists in the first place. They’ll never let us succeed because that means there’s a hole in the system that others could exploit, because there's this false hope of a happy ending that we’ll make.”
(The best they could hope for was a bittersweet ending, and his was...)
Fisk was a better person than he was. And he knew that. If people could read his thoughts, could pry into them…
Vasily dropped onto his knees next to Fisk. He wrapped one hand around his back, one around his chest, half hugging him and half holding him steady.
“Maybe this would all crash and burn, but… but at least you tried. We made our mark, right?”
Fisk hugged Vasily tight, sobbing into his shoulder. It was all doomed from the start wasn’t it. They never had a chance one way or another. That moment Ivan got up and walked away, the radio silence from his collar as others tried to convince his friends to betray him. They were all working against them weren’t they?
Probably feeding Ivan info. Same with Akeno, Rhonda. It’s why they keep showing up at the worst times right? Has to be. This game was always staged, winners picked from the start.
That brought some comfort, or it should’ve, had Fisk been a defeatist. They made their mark, yes. They did their best, in the end it wasn’t enough, but they did what they could. Everyone loses in the end. Everyone except the organizers of this game.
As a kid, Fisk had many vivid memories of watching SOTF with his dad growing up. He remembered when they shared Jack and Coke and made bets with each other who’d win. It all seemed so authentic at the time. It was almost disgusting to him now how easy it was for them to watch it. He remembered joking with his dad about that DeVasher kid getting flung from a rooftop, how he’d never end like that if he were casted. “God I hope not!” He said and laughed.
Fisk hoped he didn’t make his parents the laughing stock of the street. They were his parents and he knew they loved him, but he hoped he didn’t disappoint them with what he’s done. He hoped they wouldn’t be too hurt about his passing, that they’d understood why he’d have done what he did.
If the Respects ever made it that far. They wouldn’t. Fisk knew it. Vasily knew it. James probably knew it. Sofia might by now. Verity too, not like it meant much for her anyways.
Now he just had to hope that they wouldn’t end as a joke. He knew people talked shit back home, how they could do better, but the truth is they couldn’t. Only way they’d make it even half as far is if the producers gave them the leg up his friends weren’t as lucky for the privilege for.
Now, their only goal was holding on as long as possible until the inevitability that the producers’ pet arrives to finish them off.
“I wish this could’ve been different, but we were doomed from the start weren’t we?” He looked at Vasily. “If we did something different, you think we could’ve made it to the end? Or- was this just the way things had to be?”
Probably feeding Ivan info. Same with Akeno, Rhonda. It’s why they keep showing up at the worst times right? Has to be. This game was always staged, winners picked from the start.
That brought some comfort, or it should’ve, had Fisk been a defeatist. They made their mark, yes. They did their best, in the end it wasn’t enough, but they did what they could. Everyone loses in the end. Everyone except the organizers of this game.
As a kid, Fisk had many vivid memories of watching SOTF with his dad growing up. He remembered when they shared Jack and Coke and made bets with each other who’d win. It all seemed so authentic at the time. It was almost disgusting to him now how easy it was for them to watch it. He remembered joking with his dad about that DeVasher kid getting flung from a rooftop, how he’d never end like that if he were casted. “God I hope not!” He said and laughed.
Fisk hoped he didn’t make his parents the laughing stock of the street. They were his parents and he knew they loved him, but he hoped he didn’t disappoint them with what he’s done. He hoped they wouldn’t be too hurt about his passing, that they’d understood why he’d have done what he did.
If the Respects ever made it that far. They wouldn’t. Fisk knew it. Vasily knew it. James probably knew it. Sofia might by now. Verity too, not like it meant much for her anyways.
Now he just had to hope that they wouldn’t end as a joke. He knew people talked shit back home, how they could do better, but the truth is they couldn’t. Only way they’d make it even half as far is if the producers gave them the leg up his friends weren’t as lucky for the privilege for.
Now, their only goal was holding on as long as possible until the inevitability that the producers’ pet arrives to finish them off.
“I wish this could’ve been different, but we were doomed from the start weren’t we?” He looked at Vasily. “If we did something different, you think we could’ve made it to the end? Or- was this just the way things had to be?”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
He let Fisk sob onto him, muttering little 'there, there's.
"The chances are.... two in eighty, so, like, 2.5%?" He mused. Not taking into account a variety of factors, such as having a mentor that had gone radio silent, Malcolm.
"I'd be surprised if more than one of us makes it out alive. Just- I mean, this sounds harsh, but I kind of try to cope by, like, thinking "this was the way that the people designed it, so it's not my fault, it's the system's. And, like, I think everybody- you, me, everyone- always think they'll make it out alive, because dying is scary. And failing is even scarier."
Another pat.
"It's a game of chance, and we were- we were playing against the game. Not like escapes, because they intentionally put flaws in the collars, but... we were trying to test the rules, right? A band of players who choose who to call teammates and who not to. They don't like that. It's kind of... doomed from the start, yeah, but also- but also we're statistically doomed no matter what we do. It's not your fault, and I'm sorry it had to end this way."
"The chances are.... two in eighty, so, like, 2.5%?" He mused. Not taking into account a variety of factors, such as having a mentor that had gone radio silent, Malcolm.
"I'd be surprised if more than one of us makes it out alive. Just- I mean, this sounds harsh, but I kind of try to cope by, like, thinking "this was the way that the people designed it, so it's not my fault, it's the system's. And, like, I think everybody- you, me, everyone- always think they'll make it out alive, because dying is scary. And failing is even scarier."
Another pat.
"It's a game of chance, and we were- we were playing against the game. Not like escapes, because they intentionally put flaws in the collars, but... we were trying to test the rules, right? A band of players who choose who to call teammates and who not to. They don't like that. It's kind of... doomed from the start, yeah, but also- but also we're statistically doomed no matter what we do. It's not your fault, and I'm sorry it had to end this way."
It wasn’t about making it out alive, at least, not him, it was about proving a point, it was about winning on his terms, achieving his own form of victory, other students, the producers, and society be damned. If he had to die for that goal, so be it, the results would’ve immortalized him anyways.
But there were no results besides the crushing realization that they never had a chance, that when he’d die, he die just another number, a statistic, and that all the people he killed to get that far would be nothing more than numbers and statistics irrelevant to anyone besides their closest companions. No victory, no immortalization. Maybe fame, but in fifteen minutes it’ll be fleeting again, and he’ll be forgotten, another body among many.
With his friends going home, there’d have been the fact that someone would remember him, and that someone was more important than society would ever be.
Now, with that realization that he could die forgotten, his mantra, his reason for being, his modus operandi, glory or death, death before dishonor, dishonor before irrelevancy was rendered nil. The realization that he could die a nobody made that inevitability a much scarier thing than it were in his romanticized daydreams.
It did have to end eventually, and this is the way it was.
“Vasily...”
Fisk didn’t want to let go, he was afraid. The moment he’d let go Vasily will evaporate in front of his eyes.
“Do- do you believe there’s an afterlife?”
But there were no results besides the crushing realization that they never had a chance, that when he’d die, he die just another number, a statistic, and that all the people he killed to get that far would be nothing more than numbers and statistics irrelevant to anyone besides their closest companions. No victory, no immortalization. Maybe fame, but in fifteen minutes it’ll be fleeting again, and he’ll be forgotten, another body among many.
With his friends going home, there’d have been the fact that someone would remember him, and that someone was more important than society would ever be.
Now, with that realization that he could die forgotten, his mantra, his reason for being, his modus operandi, glory or death, death before dishonor, dishonor before irrelevancy was rendered nil. The realization that he could die a nobody made that inevitability a much scarier thing than it were in his romanticized daydreams.
It did have to end eventually, and this is the way it was.
“Vasily...”
Fisk didn’t want to let go, he was afraid. The moment he’d let go Vasily will evaporate in front of his eyes.
“Do- do you believe there’s an afterlife?”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
"I'm not sure," he said, "And I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I mean, I was raised Russian Orthodox, but it just didn't grow on me. And it's pretty hard to believe there's a benevolent and loving god out here when people are making kids kill each other for entertainment."
He wiped away Fisk's tears with his sleeve.
"If the afterlife existed, that means I'll have to confront a lot of things that I don't want to confront."
"Do you believe in this kind of stuff? Reincarnation, afterlife, karma?"
Just keep talking. Keep throwing questions out there. Maybe if he talked anough he could avoid the thoughts. Avoid the fear of truly feeling fear, vulnerability.
He wiped away Fisk's tears with his sleeve.
"If the afterlife existed, that means I'll have to confront a lot of things that I don't want to confront."
"Do you believe in this kind of stuff? Reincarnation, afterlife, karma?"
Just keep talking. Keep throwing questions out there. Maybe if he talked anough he could avoid the thoughts. Avoid the fear of truly feeling fear, vulnerability.
“I-I mean, if there’s not, then what’s the point?” He couldn’t help but eye the camera, nor look away the moment after.
“Thousands of years of human development and civilizations, all with the idea that doing something right sends you somewhere, only for it to end up like this. The sole motivation to c-conquer and take over the world, to be known was a part of that right? There was something waiting on the other end, that’s why so many people do what they do and are content with achieving nothing in life, because there’s something after, another shot, or something simple like...
Like not being alone.”
Fisk thought he was done crying, but then Vasily had to wipe away his tears. They came back. He didn’t deserve this. He never deserved the friends he got.
“Hell isn’t as scary as it sounds. An Eternity is long enough to get used to...anything and it can’t be worse than this. We spent our entire lives being groomed for this, either to die in a war for our gods to get richer, to slave away our lives in the feint promise of a pension we’ll be to old to use so our gods reap the rewards while they’re young, give our lives in the name of innovation or science so they can get their scripture quoted in the history books or to just die on tv for their entertainment.”
“If this is all there is, then they were right, that we’re nothing more than ants, and I was mistaken in believing that we were worth more than that. That if you worked for it, that made you better, but what do we get in the end?”
“At least in hell, there’s no pretensions. We’re all equally worthless, and we’d still be together, right?”
“Thousands of years of human development and civilizations, all with the idea that doing something right sends you somewhere, only for it to end up like this. The sole motivation to c-conquer and take over the world, to be known was a part of that right? There was something waiting on the other end, that’s why so many people do what they do and are content with achieving nothing in life, because there’s something after, another shot, or something simple like...
Like not being alone.”
Fisk thought he was done crying, but then Vasily had to wipe away his tears. They came back. He didn’t deserve this. He never deserved the friends he got.
“Hell isn’t as scary as it sounds. An Eternity is long enough to get used to...anything and it can’t be worse than this. We spent our entire lives being groomed for this, either to die in a war for our gods to get richer, to slave away our lives in the feint promise of a pension we’ll be to old to use so our gods reap the rewards while they’re young, give our lives in the name of innovation or science so they can get their scripture quoted in the history books or to just die on tv for their entertainment.”
“If this is all there is, then they were right, that we’re nothing more than ants, and I was mistaken in believing that we were worth more than that. That if you worked for it, that made you better, but what do we get in the end?”
“At least in hell, there’s no pretensions. We’re all equally worthless, and we’d still be together, right?”
Catche thinks my squirrel is Fisk so here's my daily reminder that he is not.
He kind of liked the thought of there not being an afterlife.
It's the only excuse he had for doing horrible things- to delay, and to stall, and to prevent it all from going down the drain.
But he didn't know how much longer he wanted to avoid it.
"I think humans are the highest... authority on this earth, in the end. Having somebody higher up controlling and judging us on their arbitrary standards scares me," he said.
"But don't we judge and control each other as people?"
He folded into himself, into Fisk, turning the embrace tighter.
If there's a hell, they won't let all of them stay together.
If there's a hell, then he'd have to meet his victims in there.
"There isn't a point, for me. We get to decide our own point-"
He caught himself before he turned this discussion into something closer to a debate. And his touch was gentle.
"But as far as points go, you've got a better one than almost everyone I knew."
It's the only excuse he had for doing horrible things- to delay, and to stall, and to prevent it all from going down the drain.
But he didn't know how much longer he wanted to avoid it.
"I think humans are the highest... authority on this earth, in the end. Having somebody higher up controlling and judging us on their arbitrary standards scares me," he said.
"But don't we judge and control each other as people?"
He folded into himself, into Fisk, turning the embrace tighter.
If there's a hell, they won't let all of them stay together.
If there's a hell, then he'd have to meet his victims in there.
"There isn't a point, for me. We get to decide our own point-"
He caught himself before he turned this discussion into something closer to a debate. And his touch was gentle.
"But as far as points go, you've got a better one than almost everyone I knew."