Kill your Darlings

#1

Third grade sucked. Objectively, legally, theologically, everything-ly sucked (All of these were cool big words that Dad taught him!). The best part of it was Lucia and the fact that he discovered Dragon Ball Z. Lucia was cool. Lucia was objectively and legally one of the coolest people Vasily’s ever met.

It was kind of funny, really, because they weren’t that much alike at the time (in Vasily’s totally correct opinion) besides the fact that they were absolute nerds, but they were nerds together and that’s what mattered. Well, actually, he didn’t think he should be calling Lucia a nerd, but he got called a nerd a lot, and it bothered him less that he was called a nerd and more why he was called a nerd. And, well, it was kind of unfair what society said was sort of movies were nerdy and what sort of movies were cool to watch, anyways.

But, yeah. Lucia was cool. She had a lot more friends than him, but they were each other’s best friends! (Or that’s what he hoped, at least.)

She reminded him of, like… a big golden retriever! Or something! Friendly and loud and cool to be around with, even though big dogs sometimes scared Vasily with their big sharp teeth and how fast they are, how they could just zoom around and become a cute blur of yellow fur! That rhymed.

…

Where was he again?

Well, he was technically about to sleep after they finished watching the Percy Jackson movies together, and maybe he should have been thinking about the movies, but he actually thought of Lucia more than the movie. Which, well, maybe it was because the movie sucked, or maybe it was because Lucia made a lot of really good jokes that whole time that Vasily would totally use later.

Mom even took pictures of them together! She was glad that he made a new friend. They were two ‘absolutely adorable little kids’ (her words, not his!) and they were both tucked under a big, electric yellow blanket together. Mom said that she wanted to show them the picture when they got older, but Vasily didn’t understand why. She said that maybe he would be embarrassed when she showed them to him later, and made a joke about him and Lucia being married, which he didn’t get either. He didn’t want to grow up into a fun-hating adult if that meant that he wouldn’t like the time he and Lucia spent together. Adults were weird.

------

Lucia didn’t feel like her movie was a good one. Vasily felt like it was one of the best movies he ever saw. Like, most of the time he hated it when people kept secrets from him, but if he was involved in the movie there probably would have been a lot more people punching other people, which Reyna wouldn’t like. Lucia still had Reyna (The knight, not the real girl) punch a few people, though, so it was still a cool movie. Sometimes he wished that he could talk to Reyna more- Lucia was so cool and friendly and bright and outgoing and Reyna is just… well, Reyna was Reyna. He was sure that she and Lucia loved each other a lot like most sisters should (or that was what he saw on TV anyways, since he didn’t have a sister.) But Lucia felt like she was always a little mad about something. He didn’t want Lucia to be mad, but it felt like it had something to do with Reyna and he couldn’t just say something like ‘just punch her’ because that was totally not the right thing to do. Lucia should save her punches for people who hurt her sister, not Reyna herself. Or that was what Vasily thought, anyways. Lucia’s punches hurt. A lot.

That’s another thing about Lucia that he liked. That he wanted to be like. She took Karate. Karate was cool. He saw a lot of shows with people that did Karate and even though Lucia wasn’t as cool as these people, she was wonderful in her own way, like when she didn’t laugh at him in a mean way (even though she did laugh) when he put on eyeshadow for the first time, and how she didn’t tell on his mom when he tried on that fancy red dress that mom like to wear to dinner parties.

------

He didn’t want to be held back. It was so fucking unfair- first he became half blind, and then his dad fucking died, and now he didn’t even have his best friend in the same classes with him anymore. He almost went to the hospital again, after he punched his bedroom wall and his fingers cracked in a way that fingers shouldn’t crack like.

He didn’t-

Vasily rubbed more sunscreen on his arm It was the first time he had been outside in weeks.

He didn’t deserve that. Lucia didn’t deserve that. He didn’t want to only talk to her in the hallway- he wanted to pass notes to her in class and work on projects together and not waste another year of his life in the educational system before he had to grow up and get a job and be free to buy what he wanted and do something that he liked for a living.

Vasily squinted his remaining eye as the sunlight hit his eyes.

He didn’t need to think about Lucia when he was about to see her, anyways. Why did he always do that? Thinking about people when he could be with them instead. He didn’t need to construct a fantasy version of his friends. He didn’t need to create a fictional narrative for real life. He didn’t-

Lucia’s voice rang clear and loud from the other side of the park.

------

Vazzberry: OK but like you can’t deny that ranking the guys by hotness is a good idea

Vazzberry: its like not even cliche like ranking the fem winners

Vazzberry: they always rank the girls, we need equality in the house.

LuLu: It’s not the guys’ fault that girls are clearly superior.

Vazzberry: You’re just gay

LuLu: I mean, I guess it’s also because SOTF cast hotter girls for fanservice. Or maybe it’s just the higher standards that girls are held when it comes to appearance.

Vazzberry: true.

Vazzberry: But also you’re just gay.

LuLu is typing…

------

It was like they were kids again. He didn't remember who or when or why, but one of them decided to do a video where they just. Chill. And watch videos together. Somewhere between putting all the pillows and blankets on the couch and them setting the microphones up, Lucia had scrunched her nose and said, and he paraphrased because he forgot her words exactly, "These types of reaction videos are so cliché."

She wasn't wrong, but still.

And so, there they were. Curled up on the couch again, band-aids on their skin after a few bad decisions and an accident or two over the weeks, just enjoying the "funniest bad acting compilation" and shouting out advice to actors long dead and retired once in a while. Low effort and a little different from what they were used to, but it was fun. That was what mattered.

Vasily was wrapped around the rubber duck blanket like a burrito, looking at Lucia, who was looking at the camera and doing most of the talking. Her skin was a bit warmer than his when their fingers touched as she passed him the bowl of popcorn. She always knew cool things about movies that he didn't, like atmospheric lighting and camera effects and fake crying and all that. He shouldn't still feel about her that way after these years. It wasn't jealousy.

He swore it wasn't.

It just felt a little weird, like because Lucia had a lot more traits that he would like to have than traits that he wouldn't like to have. Not like a crush or anything (which people always joked about even after Lucia came out, seriously fuck heteronormality,) but he wanted to be her, kind of. He always did that. Whenever he found someone cool, he always tried to turn that jealous-ish feeling bubbling up into motivation. To be like them.

He didn't want to psychoanalyze himself. He needed to focus on the video. So he did.

"Wait, did that guy just- did he just fucking-"

Lucia's laugher echoed besides his voice.

"He really did. Oh my god. And I thought that one star rating was unfair."

They laughed together. Like they were kids again. They were still kids.

He felt like they could always be kids, together.