I (Don't) Remember

[Lord_Shadow]

"It can't be that easy. It won't be that easy. But I have to make it work. I have to do this. I have to make this happen. It's me."

She sheathed the blade and covered her face with her hand. She squeezed until it hurt, until she could feel that pain of life again. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips.

"Save them. Help them. I tried. Or did I? Did I ever? No. I never wanted to."

Her hand dragged across her face. Her mouth curled into a twisted smile.

"Save them? Help them? You can't."

She stared into the abyss.

"Are you ready?"

[General Goose]

Yagmur tried maintaining that stone-cold, disinterested expression at first, interrupted only by sips of whiskey. He was feeling it, a little bit - the general lack of proper nutrition to line his belly, the absence of any meaningful rest, the general cloud of depression that was looming over him that he had to acknowledge.

Yagmur disliked that his tolerance was low, but decided to accept that, rather than try and fight past and hold his liquor regardless. So, just as he was going for another sip, he rested the glass down, with a tenderness he was surprised his shaking and wounded arms were capable of, and focused on Corin's story.

And then he got to the bulk of the story.

Well, his hatred of Ana was justified after all.

Unable to resist another swig of drink (it was either that or reveal just how unnerved he was by that revelation), he turned to Corin. "I guess we can agree that we're both more worthy winners than her."

He realised he was using their terminology now.

He couldn't care anymore.

[Serpico]

He wouldn’t have been able to articulate what exactly it was about that last sentence that offended him. If it was the fact that Yagmur thought they were deserving of the title, or if it was because he was going to lot himself in with Corin. He could see what he was getting at, vaguely able to tell that they were simple words, but he hated them.

Corin’s mind didn’t hesitate to bring his rifle level with Yagmur’s head and pull the trigger after hearing that.

He didn’t want to think about how his life would continue beyond the game, isolated, though he had before. He thought of it as he travelled to the casino in light of what happened to Paisley, the idea of turning in somewhere safe every night and being able to dwell on the mistakes he made was something that he didn’t want to do day to day.

He wasn’t even sure if he wanted it, to win. He craved an end to this limbo, but none of his options were perfect.

Corin sat there, the rifle was still in his lap, in his mind he didn’t hesitate, but his body was so tired that it hadn’t lifted the rifle in time with his brain. Yagmur was fine, and in reality the only thing that cut through the silence after that was not a bullet, but Corin’s voice.

“But,” He started, tone almost placid and cold as the frost that hugged the windowpanes outside.

“All our friends are dead.”

“We have less than when we started, as winners.” He added tersely, not thinking too hard about what he was saying.

“I won’t measure worth, but I’m going to kill Ana, so I guess I agree with you a little.” While Corin’s eyes never stopped showing that flash of hatred, his tone mixed towards something more subtly cordial than it was before.

[Lord_Shadow]

She didn't know how long she had stayed still there. She became aware that the apparitions had returned. For the last time, was what they did not know.

The reached out and touched her. The cold hands of death chilled her body. She remembered lying in the snow. Waiting to die. Her soul chilled.

They covered her completely. She looked into darling's eyes. The dark void with nothing more than a pinprick of light drawing her gaze. She smiled wide. Soon. So very soon that light would be before her much brighter. The rest of her would be swallowed by darkness.

"I accept you. You were always there, more real than I. Shadow, a revenant that we shy away from. The specter of death. Not a hallucination, not some figment of my mind. No. I've been seeing the end of my existence. Real or not, it ends the same way. And I'm ready. I'll be embracing you soon."

The cold filled her lungs.

It filled her blood.

It filled her idea.

Time to share.

[General Goose]

Yagmur could tell the word "worth" had rubbed Corin the wrong way, the way he seemed to linger on it, pick it apart, dissect its implications and refute the assumptions it betrayed.

That was fine. It wasn't exactly the smartest word choice, and he felt unsatisfied with it as the word came out of his mouth, but he couldn't exactly hesitate to ponder about what a smarter word choice would be, or halt the whole show to get a thesaurus delivered.

Corin was right. They weren't exactly deserving of survival, any more than anyone else was, and didn't have anything nicer or more rewarding waiting for them back home than anyone else.

"I guess you've got a point," Yagmur replied, his despondent tone and disinterested eyes saying it all. "Worth is...well, it's a positive thing. We can't exactly just sit back, abstract ourselves from the whole situation, and make up some fancy utilitarian bullshit argument about who's the most worthy winner."

"But we can both agree that Ana..." He couldn't think of a way of saying it that didn't fall into the same connotation-laden traps as the word 'worth', but he didn't want to admit that he wanted someone dead.

"That I'd rather her die before me."

It was truthful, but left out just how deep his hatred went.

[Serpico]

He felt like he was honestly being tested, as Yagmur was going on and on. Corin didn’t even know the definition of the word utilitarian, and that was in addition to being deprived of proper sleep for a few days, he didn’t have the patience to care. Normally, he would have simply drifted off, but he only paid attention because he had to.

Oh my god, shut up. He wanted to mouth out.

“It’s what it is.” He responded plainly, wanting to cut the conversation then.

Corin was starting to see what he perceived to be hesitance in Yagmur, particularly that last thing he said; it had gone so out of its way to remain neutral. His dark brown eyes looked him down, and words tumbled inside of his head, coward was one in particular. You’re already a murderer aren’t you? He questioned silently.

Just be fucking forward, he thought as he started to shrug off his jacket.

“I have to get Anzu’s remains off me.” He mentioned openly.

He gestured to the blood that was on him, his voice lacked any brightness or lustre, and it was just tired.

He was so fucking sick of pretending for Yagmur, he needed to get away from this guy for a while.

“I’m going to the bathroom so do whatever suits you.”

[General Goose]

Yagmur finished off his glass. A bit too quickly, and he couldn't prevent an involuntary gulp as the hot liquid tumbled down his throat uncomfortably and haphazardly. His stomach lacked much lining, so it would probably be a good idea to cease his alcohol consumption now. Couldn't rely on a good Samaritan lending him a hand if he got legless, after all.

Corin wanted to get away, he could tell. Yagmur wasn't an expert at reading people, and he didn't want to be. Too much hassle, too much stress, not really compatible with his interests. But he could tell when someone wanted to get away from him - hell, that's a pretty basic social skill, one necessary even for the most skin-deep and perfunctory of social interactions.

And he could tell Corin wanted to get away from him.

It was a valid reaction, and hell, in a sign of nicety that was probably superfluous, he even gave an excuse.

"Okay, see you in a bit," Yagmur replied, his eyes vacantly glaring at the floor.

No point in letting Corin know the fake display of manners wasn't necessary.

[Serpico]

“Yeah,” Corin responded.

“I’ll see you.”

He got up from his seat and took his things, bundling his coat under his arm, leaving the scene and leaving Yagmur to his thoughts. He wanted to get the filth on him off so bad at the time, the fact that it was an excuse to part from Yagmur was a bonus. His walking was quick, and as much as he hated being alone, his headspace was probably better off without Yagmur’s talking. And much better off without Yagmur’s face.

He entered a bathroom, rested his rifle against the wall and dropped the coat on the ground, it wasn’t exactly as good as a shower, but washing his hair and face out in the sink beat leaving the filth there to settle. It felt good, he felt a little bit better just by fixing himself, and just a slight bit more adjusted and removed from Anzu. He looked himself over in the mirror a little, he looked horrible, tired, and even though it shouldn’t have mattered at this point in time it still bothered him slightly. He ran a hand over his facial hair, it was already starting to form into a beard, and he didn’t have anything to change that with so it would have to stay.

He remembered that he still had a question for his team mentor, and though he wanted to say something to him, he didn’t want to waste his last point of contact on something trivial or stupid. So he pondered about what he could do say as he finished cleaning himself up.

So now what? He wondered.

He needed time to gather himself up and think.

[Lord_Shadow]

"Memento mori. Et in Arcadia ego." She wiped her bloody sleeve on her face. She'd stopped bleeding again but it was still damp enough to stain her face crimson.

She made her way back up the stairs she descended from. Every step resonated in her body. She could feel every molecule of air touching her. Her chilled breath came and went in a low wheeze.

She reached the upper floor of the casino. She called out to the other side. "Hey, you guys still there?"

She felt the shadow drape over her like a robe.

"I'd like to parley!"

[General Goose]

He was temporarily alone.

That suited him.

He wasn't sure if that encounter with Corin counted as a success or not. Yagmur was still alive. The room's atmosphere had temporarily stabilised. His mental state hadn't degraded any further.

But his lofty ambitions (and god, every plan and intent since arriving at this shitty resort had been lofty in some way or another) of perhaps finding common ground with Corin, some way of going forward and establishing a consensus to fuck over the producers, of maybe getting past the hatred for each other and refocusing it in a more productive direction...

Eh, he should be happy to still be alive.

Ana called out. Offered to parley.

For a split second, part of him considered maybe trying to achieve those goals with her.

Then he remembered reality, and the fact he despised Ana. There was only too much he could ask of himself.

"Fuck off!" he yelled back.

[Serpico]

He had decided to not burn that jacket then and there, the choice came with the realisation that it would probably set off a fire alarm or start a larger fire indoors. He sighed, gathering his belongings and stepping back out of the toilet, it would be done outside if he got the chance. He wondered briefly if he should return to the brooding Yagmur, if he was still there in that position and ready to just pick off, vulnerable. It was at the least a passing thought.

Moments after stepping outside of the door he could hear her voice travelling through the casino; for one thing it affirmed was that her unwelcome presence was still in the area.

Brilliant, he thought to himself as he heard Yagmur’s response, and his voice joined right after.

“You’re fucking joking!” He laughed aggressively and in disbelief, but it stopped jarringly fast.

“Yeah, no, KILL YOURSELF!” Corin responded, his voice devoid of anything beyond distaste for her.

His priorities started to skew again; he could have gone for her there and then. Instead he started to make his way back to Yagmur, he had a reason to actually speak to him now. Her voice set the cogs in his head into motion, and now turbulent thoughts were churning, he had come up with a suggestion for Yagmur.

He wondered if he would agree.

[Lord_Shadow]

"My what charming men I have to deal with. Tell you what killers, how about you go jerk each other off after this is over. I'm not dead yet and have no intention of killing myself!" She shouted back.

"Now are we going to be civil or are we going to keep acting like children?"

She was confident things would turn out okay. If they wanted her truly dead they would have shot by now. No, they were probably hoping to use her like she intended to use them. They would never even dream of ending her.

Not after so many missed opportunities.

[General Goose]

"Last time I checked, Ana," Yagmur said, walking around from behind a helpfully-placed row of fruit machines, all conveniently high and gawdy enough to serve as cover and hide his getting closer, "civility does not include drinking someone's blood, or refusing a perfectly harmless request to give someone a bit of extra first aid when they're dying."

He hoped to say the last sentence with a particularly righteous bite, but after it left his mouth, he knew he'd been too wordy.

Still, she got the point.

He made sure his gun was trained straight on her forehead. He'd turned the safety on, just so he could flick it off.

Dramatic effect and all that. That's what he hated most about it. He couldn't help but play to the producers' fiddle, even when he was trying his hardest not to.

Yes, that's what he felt worst about what was happening right now. Not that he'd agreed to Corin's plan. Corin's awful, disgusting plan that'd make him a true pawn of the-nope.

Don't think about it.

It has to be done.

"How's this for civil discussion? How about you do as I requested initially, and kindly fuck off outside?" He said it with a surprisingly disarming lightheartedness, but he steadied his gun to emphasise that he was not joking.

[Serpico]

Corin appeared from a different angle than Yagmur, arriving only shortly after. His expression was almost wolfish and anticipatory. What he and Yagmur agreed on was not what he wanted in truth, but it was close enough, it was the only suggestion that felt like Yagmur would accept and he’d wanted to start off slow.

He didn’t care if it was wrong, or if his actions were wrong. He wanted to feel better somehow. Anzu, she made him feel better, and he had hoped Paisley would.

Those weren’t options anymore.

He was sick of losing control of the world around him, and it was time for him to start doing something about it. It was something he’d decided somewhere between that moment and rolling Anzu into the blanket.

Unlike Yagmur, who made a huge deal of being righteous, Corin remained fairly quiet, he had only a few choice words saved up from her.

He thumbed the safety, not for dramatic purposes, no. He levelled the rifle, not to her head or to her heart, but towards the abdomen. Not that anyone else would notice really that it was purposely so, no one could read his mindscape at least not in the heat of the moment.

“Yagmur,” Corin interjected.

He gestured with the barrel of his rifle at her.

“Give me a minute to chat?” It was a less a suggestion, his tone spoke more than anything.

Like, shut up a second.

Like the old westerns, he wanted her to dance a little bit before making an exit. He wanted to scream at her to kill herself, like he did just moments before. He wanted a lot of things, to exert control on everyone in the room, even himself. The idea sounded good to him, there was little else.

“Here we are, like you requested.”

He wondered if it would be cathartic.

[Lord_Shadow]

"I don't think this is how a parley is supposed to work. And outside is cold, I'll freeze to death." She said flatly. This was how it was going to be, huh. Great.

If they were looking for fear they would be disappointed. She had left that behind days ago. But she did feel worry. And her frown showed it. Couldn't go out like this. Not yet. Not when the game was still on.

"But hey, you guys have my full attention. What is it you want to do? Not just have me walk out the door, I bet. Maybe rough me up a bit?" She started to smile.

"Some payback, right? I understand. I'm a monster and I deserve it. Or something like that right? Your evils were just mistakes, right? Only I chose to do what I did. I get it."

She was smirking now. "You hate me. Truly and beyond measure. But I, only find it amusing."