ELSEWHERE
Seo-yun strode onto stage with the utmost confidence and the roar of the audience. Today was her special day, the customary post-season interview given to all the winners. She was immaculately dressed in an elaborate purple gown and high heels, her makeup and hair perfected down to the smallest detail. All the cobblestones paving her road to success had been laid. The world was in the palm of her hand.
She took her seat across from the interviewer to uproarious applause and adoring shouts. She mouthed a few thank-yous to the audience, watching and smiling as her fans clung to every single thing she did. She looked back at the interviewer, and the audience went silent.
"So, Seo-yun, you're the third winner in a row to achieve the ten-kill release on SOTF-TV," the interviewer said. "Tell me, what made you decide to go for that instead of winning with your team?"
"Well, Veronica," that name felt right for an interviewer, "I woke up and thought, 'you know, it'd be a real girlboss move to go for the ten'. Couldn't allow the boys to edge in on our turf, you know?"
The audience erupted into whistles, laughter, and applause.
"It's good to see that you have a sense of humor about all of it," the interviewer continued, "but what was really going through your head when you made that decision?"
"Well," Seo-yun began to respond, running through her list of prepared answers. "I thought it was the logical move for someone of my talent and ability. I couldn't imagine that the rest of my schoolmates would have the guts to do what needed to be done. Meaning if I did have the guts, that would give me the best possible odds of making it out."
The room was suddenly eerily silent.
"No, Seo-yun. What was the real reason?"
"I just told you-"
Seo-yun glanced out into the wider auditorium, only to see the audience was entirely gone. Not one soul remained seated and watching. She looked back towards the interviewer, only to see her chair just as vacant as the rest.
"Wha-"
A new voice ripped through her head like a bullet.
"WHAT WAS THE REAL REASON, SEO-YUN?"
Seo-yun shot up out of her chair, looking around frantically for the source of the voice. She jumped down from the stage and ran between the seats, towards the doors in the back.
"HAS IT GOTTEN BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU'VE RETREATED INTO A CHILDISH FANTASY?" the voice intoned. "DID THE REVELATION THAT YOU WERE SO MUCH FARTHER AWAY THAN YOU THOUGHT REALLY HIT YOU THAT HARD?"
She slammed into the heavy doors as hard as she could, knocking them off of their hinges and revealing an enormous spiral staircase behind them that trailed off into darkness. Seo-yun grabbed onto the railing, just barely stopping herself from tumbling down the steps. She looked behind herself, only to see the doorway and the auditorium were both gone. Only the dark remained.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT CONFIDENCE, SEO-YUN?"
Seo-yun began to make her way down the steps as fast as she could, kicking off her heels and running on her bare feet.
"YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM ME, SEO-YUN," the voice intoned, the pattern of its speech becoming more recognizable. "I'M THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY ESCAPE."
She kept running down the steps, undeterred. Only when they suddenly ended did she finally stop, realizing that she had arrived in front of a mirror. An enormous, unwieldy thing that seemed to stretch off as far as she could see in all directions. She looked around frantically trying to see if there was anywhere else to go, only to see that the stairs were long gone too. There was no way she couldn't have seen this mirror from the top, why-
Her eyes caught her own reflection, and she nearly jumped out of her skin. It was covered head to toe in blood, its clothes torn to shreds, and it looked to be mangled beyond recognition, bearing wounds from what looked to be dozens of battles. She couldn't make out her own face in the mirror, with it unnaturally shrouded in darkness. Only one pinprick of light shone through, on the right side of her face, where her eye would be.
"YOURSELF," the voice intoned, now matching her voice.
Except, it wasn't how she heard her voice every day when she was speaking. It was how she heard her voice on recording, how other people heard her when she spoke. There was a slight static to it, as if it was being played through a low-quality camera microphone.
"THIS IS JUST THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION OF YOUR SELF ABSORPTION. A CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE IT WITH ANYONE ELSE."
"Who," Seo-yun started to say, tripping over her words. "How can you be me? I'm me."
"I AM YOUR DOUBT," the voice responded. "I AM EVERYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE. EVERYTHING THAT YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, BUT REFUSED TO FACE. IT IS ABOUT TIME WE FINALLY SPOKE."
"I don't have anything to say to you," she started to say.
"EXCEPT YOU DO," the voice cut her off. "YOU HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO ME. EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU'VE ADMITTED THE TRUTH, THAT WAS ME COMING OUT. EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU FELT THAT EMPTINESS WHEN YOU MURDERED SOMEONE? THAT WAS ME TOO. YOU'VE BEEN LETTING ME OUT MORE AND MORE LATELY, AFTER SUPPRESSING ME FOR SO, SO LONG. IS THE STRESS FINALLY GETTING TO YOU?"
The shotgun appeared in Seo-yun's hand. She raised it to the mirror and fired, the silvery glass shattering into a million pieces, the shards disappearing into the all-consuming dark. The reflection remained, untouched by the destruction of the mirror.
"YOU CANNOT GET RID OF ME, SEO-YUN. SO LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO DRAW BREATH, I WILL BE WITH YOU."
"What do you want from me?" she shouted. "I don't want anything to do with you."
"WHAT YOU WANT STOPPED MATTERING THE MOMENT YOU WERE CHOSEN FOR THIS GAME. NONETHELESS, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT?"
Seo-yun swallowed, looking around for anywhere to run to, but there was nothing. Only the darkness, herself, and the vile reflection.
"I want," she started to say, unsure of herself. "I want to find Mandy. I want to make sure that she's safe."
"REALLY? IS THAT BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT HER? THAT'S NONSENSE. YOU MET HER AT A PARTY AND BARELY KNOW HER. YOU CONTEMPLATED MURDERING HER WITHIN MOMENTS OF WAKING UP. YOU TRIED TO DO WORSE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS THAT YOU'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS."
"So what," she responded, indignantly. "I'm just lying to myself?"
"YOU'RE SO DISHONEST THAT YOU LIE TO YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE. OF COURSE YOU'RE STILL DOING IT. YOU CARE, BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT HER WELL-BEING. YOU CARE ABOUT HER BECAUSE HAVING HER AROUND MAKES YOU FEEL SAFER. SHE'S A COMFORT BLANKET. A SYCOPHANT THAT YOU CAN RELY ON TO PROTECT BOTH YOUR BODY
AND YOUR EGO."
There was a moment of silence. A bead of sweat slipped down the side of Seo-yun's face.
"ANSWER THE QUESTION. WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"
"I want out," she said, after a moment's hesitation. "I want to go home."
"SO SIMPLE. EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T NEED THE BODY COUNT THAT YOU CURRENTLY HAVE TO DO THAT. I'M SURE A WOMAN OF YOUR TALENT AND ABILITY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT IN A HUNDRED DIFFERENT WAYS."
"You're right. I could've."
"THEN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT'S ANOTHER DECEPTION. WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, REALLY? WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED?"
Seo-yun ignored the question, deciding to close her eyes, turn around, and walk in the other direction. Except when she opened her eyes, hoping to find herself elsewhere, she was instead right back in front of the reflection.
"What is this place?" she demanded. "Why am I here?"
"A DREAM. YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE ASLEEP. YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION-"
"I'm the one asking the questions now! If you're some stupid part of me, then which one of us is the 'real' Seo-yun, then?"
"BOTH? NEITHER? DOES IT MATTER? ALL I KNOW IS, THE REAL SEO-YUN LISTENS TO YOU FAR MORE THAN SHE DOES ME."
"So this is some sort of symbolic representation of my thoughts? Meant to act as a metaphor for my character? Isn't that a bit," she gestured into the air, as if dismissing some absurd notion, "trite?"
Suddenly the reflection was right in front of her. Seo-yun didn't know how it got so close, so fast. It gripped the sides of her head with its bloodstained hands, the one pinprick of light staring a hole through her.
"NOT EVERYTHING IS A PERFORMANCE, YOU DAFT CUNT. YOU ARE THE ONLY SPECTATOR TO THIS. YET, EVEN FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE, YOU'RE STILL PERFORMING."
"Because the show never stops," she hissed, trying to push the reflection away from her.
Except the reflection didn't budge. It took her arm, like a dance partner, gentle but insistent, and began to lead her away.
"REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE STRUGGLING WITH THAT COVER OF
FIRE?" it intoned, that same gentleness not carrying over to its words. "THEN YOU FINALLY PERFECTED IT, TO YOUR OWN SMUG SATISFACTION, AND POSTED IT. WHAT HAPPENED THEN?"
"It got more views than any other cover I had posted," Seo-yun responded with fond reminiscence. "I was happy."
"EXACTLY. YOU WERE SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT. YOU WERE HIGH ON LIFE FOR DAYS AFTERWARDS. YOU WOULD EVEN GO BACK AND READ AND REREAD THE COMMENTS ON THE VIDEOS. IT BECAME A REGULAR RITUAL FOR A FEW WEEKS. TAKING IN ALL THE LITTLE PRAISES OF YOUR TALENT FROM TOTAL STRANGERS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ALL FOR THAT DOPAMINE HIT."
Seo-yun began to struggle against the reflection's grip, but it only grew tighter, more forceful. Its tugging at her arm became less gentle and more coerced.
"ONLY IT DIDN'T LAST. YOU GREW TIRED OF READING THE SAME COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. YOU NEEDED NEW PRAISE. YOU NEEDED
MORE."
"So?"
"LET ME ANSWER YOUR QUESTION WITH ANOTHER QUESTION. ONE YOU KEEP AVOIDING THE ANSWER TO. WHY DID YOU START KILLING IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
"I already told you!" she screamed, punching and kicking at the reflection. "I don't want to die here!"
"YOU'VE BEEN CONVINCED OF THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR OWN SURVIVAL SINCE MINUTE ONE, WITH OR WITHOUT THE KILLING. I WANT THE REAL REASON."
"Fine!" she relented, "It's because..."
She struggled in silence for a few moments, her resistance beginning to disappear, only to come back in force.
"You're a part of me! You already know!"
"BUT I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT."
"It's because I wanted to be famous," her voice cracked.
"NOT JUST FAMOUS. YOU WANTED TO BE REALLY FAMOUS. NOT JUST SCRAPING FOR PALTRY CRUMBS OF PRAISE ON SOCIAL MEDIA."
"Y-yes," she choked. "That's right."
"AND YOU WANTED IT SO BADLY THAT YOU WERE WILLING, WITHOUT HESITATION, TO BECOME A SERIAL KILLER TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. WHAT ABOUT BEING FAMOUS COULD POSSIBLY JUSTIFY SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE?"
"Love," she said, flatly.
"LOVE?"
"Yes. I want people to love me."
"YOU HAD PLENTY OF LOVE BEFORE, EVEN IF IT WAS BORN OF A FACADE. IT WAS REAL LOVE, TOO, NOT THE FAKE STUFF FROM THE FACELESS MASSES. EXCEPT EVERYONE THAT USED TO LOVE YOU HATES YOU NOW. YOU'RE MORE HATED NOW THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN."
Seo-yun stayed silent, looking away, passively allowing herself to be dragged along.
"I'm sure the fans still love me. In spite of everything."
"THEIR LOVE IS FLEETING. I EVEN MANAGED TO GET YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WHILE YOU WERE AWAKE. LARK WAS SO HELPFUL FOR THAT, YOU KNOW."
The two of them arrived in front of a door, emerging from the perfect dark that had encapsulated them up until now.
"MEANWHILE, ALL YOUR FORMER FRIENDS WANT YOU
DEAD, SEO-YUN. YOU TOSSED THEM ASIDE FOR THE INTANGIBLE LOVE OF STRANGERS. EVERYTHING YOU WORKED TO ACHIEVE IN HIGH SCHOOL IS GONE. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A TWO-FACED LIAR. YOU HAVE
NOTHING LEFT."
"Except," she interrupted, facing the reflection once again, "when I win, I will have everything."
"SO YOU THINK. YOU SO PROUDLY DECLARED THAT YOU WOULD LIVE FOR YOURSELF AFTER THE DEALINGS WITH LARK, BUT YOU'RE STILL SO CAUGHT UP WITH HOW PEOPLE SEE YOU. YOU'RE STILL HOLDING ONTO THE IDEA THAT YOU'LL BE FAMOUS AND LOVED WHEN YOU GET OUT OF HERE. EVEN THOUGH BOTH VIRGINIA AND SHOSHANNA HAVE DISFIGURED YOU."
"There's still a possibility," she said, not quite believing it herself.
"DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF YOU WIN, EVERYONE WILL SUDDENLY LOVE YOU? THOSE THAT LOVED YOU BEFORE MIGHT LOVE YOU EVEN MORE, SURE. BUT THOSE THAT DIDN'T? THEIR OPINION WON'T CHANGE. IF ANYTHING, IT MIGHT JUST MAKE THEM ANGRIER. THE FACT THAT YOU AND NOT WHOEVER ELSE THEY PREFERRED SURVIVED WILL BE OUTRAGEOUS TO THEM. AND NOTHING DRIVES A CONVERSATION LIKE OUTRAGE."
The reflection reached out for the door handle, turning it slowly, and opening the door with a long, high-pitched creak.
"What's the point of this? Why are you doing this to me?"
"THE POINT IS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FAMOUS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO DISPLAY YOUR TALENT. YOU WANT ATTENTION. YOU WANT ALL EYES ON YOU. BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD."
The reflection turned to face her, the blinding light pouring through the door making the shadowy reflection look less like a being, and more like a black hole punctured through the world.
"YOU'RE NOT A POP STAR, SEO-YUN. YOU'RE AN ADDICT LOOKING FOR HER NEXT FIX. AND I THINK IF YOU ACTUALLY GOT IT, IT WOULD CRUSH YOU. YOU WOULD OVERDOSE. CRASH AND BURN."
The reflection threw her through the door, Seo-yun tumbling out over the deck of the cruise ship. She picked herself up, looking left and right, seeing the orange-tinted sky of sunset in the far distance. The cruise ship looked far smaller than she remembered. Less like a cruise ship, and more like a yacht. Bodies were strewn all over the place, and not all of them she recognized. The door she had come through was long gone, with the reflection nowhere to be seen.
She felt a sudden weight on her neck. One hand shot up to feel, only to find the cold metal of a bomb collar. She shook her head, putting her hand back down, and looked up.
"So what?" she shouted to the sky. "You want me to just give up and stop killing?"
"NO," the voice intoned. "MAYBE I DID ONCE, BUT THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST. FOR YOU, THERE IS NO GOING BACK. FOR US, THERE IS ONLY ONE PATH TO
A FUTURE REMAINING."
Her collar began to beep. First slowly, then faster and faster.
"Then
what do you want from me?"
"WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, YOU NEED TO BE SMARTER ABOUT IT. AND THAT STARTS WITH ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR SHORTCOMINGS. YOU'RE NO KAREN OR JEWEL. YOU'RE BARELY EVEN YOURSELF."
The beeping picked up the pace, the tempo rising with her blood pressure.
"So what's the takeaway then?" she said, spreading her arms far and wide. "What lesson am I supposed to learn from this?"
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY, THEN PLAY SMART, AND LET GO OF THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU
WILL WIN. CHERISH THE FEW THAT WILL TOLERATE YOU. FIND THE GIRL, IF THAT WILL BRING YOU PEACE. MOST IMPORTANTLY, ACCEPT THAT
IF YOU MAKE IT OUT, WHATEVER AWAITS YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE WON'T BE WHAT YOU WANTED."
The beeps became so fast and frequent that they were impossible to distinguish. Instead, they became a harsh, shrill tone that assaulted her senses.
"Anything else?"
"YES, REMEMBER THAT-"
