Hesitation is Defeat

[Tapey]

((Hannah Choi continued from It Matters if We All Live))

Hannah sprinted frantically across the jetties, her breath getting heavier after each step. She lost track of her own whereabouts since she left the trawler, all she noticed was that she was surrounded by oceans and boats. Various types of boats.

Why did she ran away? She completely forgot to be honest. To think about it, she had nothing to be afraid of. Rebecca was clearly unarmed, and the two girls above the deck could not even operate the blunderbuss correctly. She had every advantage in hand and could have easily ended them all, so why did she hurried off instead of getting to know the situation better?

It took her a few miles to understand her own actions: She was scared. Terrified of the unexpected which might lead to her demise. Terrified of a sudden ambush in case they were hiding a weapon. Terrifying of dying in the early stage of the game, at a young age. Her hesitation was her downfall, and she knew it.

She was a coward. She tried to convince herself that she did not chicken out but she could not.

Her dashing footsteps went to a halt in the middle of a jetty. She panted heavily, not only in fatigue but also in regret and disappointment in herself. Her hands now covering her face in frustration. A lot of 'What If' scenarios popped through her head as if it was a slideshow.

What if she suggested allying with Rebecca, Britnee, and Diane?

What if she killed Rebecca before she stepped out of the quarters?

What if she did not ignore the two girls with the blunderbuss?

What if she had not left the trawler at all?

As she stayed longer, she felt a mixed emotion of anxiety and nauseous. She wanted to cry in frustration, but she didn't. She couldn't. Exhausted, she decided to take a seat on one side of the jetty, giving herself a rest after a long run. She checked around the area, which seemed to be clear from any presence of other students. 'Perfect' she thought after taking out one of the one-liter bottles of mineral water from her bag and started sipping while she enjoyed the view of the ocean.

For a killing TV show, the venue seemed much more peaceful and tranquil. As if there was not any murder going on.

She started spacing out as she stared into the ocean. She felt a sense of remorse for not making a single move, for not taking the chance when it was right in front of her...

If only there was a place to vent, to understand how she could fix this...

She touched the collar right on her neck. Ahh yea, this exists.

"Heyy, uhm... M-Malcolm, is that correct? Whatever that happened in the trawler just now... I should have killed them when I got the chance, haven't I?" She asked in a helpless tone, hopefully getting some advice. Or at least knowing if she had made the right call.

[Cactus]

"Look, from a game perspective? That's one way to do it." The voice didn't miss a beat after she posited the question, but stopped with a small sigh.

"Thing is, you can't pretend to be someone you're not. Maybe you should have killed them all, and you'd be three or four steps closer to getting out, but what if your mind collapses in on itself after you do it? Then you're way more fucked than you would be if you'd just moved on."

There was a pregnant pause, then again: "You have to ask yourself what kind of capability you have inside — giving yourself as honest an answer as you're able. Can you survive this by staying low and hiding, or can you survive this by killing anyone you come across?"

[Tapey]

Hannah patiently listened to her mentor's advice. He did raise a point though, maybe running away was a more rational move than fighting all the girls there and risk dying or wearing out in the progress. Sure, she did have the skills and knowledge to win in an one-on-one combat, killing a target would not be too much of a problem. However, it was not about if she could.

It was about if she wanted to.

And as far as she knew, she was not prepared. Physically and mentally. No, especially mentally.

Can you survive this by staying low and hiding, or can you survive this by killing anyone you come across?

'That's a really good question.' Hannah thought as she stayed silent while thinking for an answer. On one side, staying low and preventing other students could definitely increase her chances of surviving, though she herself saw it as a cowardly move. On the other hand, she did had the capability in dueling, even killing someone. However, she couldn't do it. She was not prepared to be labeled as someone's killer yet.

Hannah felt like she was at crossroads. There were so many things for her to do, so many options. Yet, she was lost.

She needed an answer.

"I...I don't know, Malcolm," She stuttered anxiously, "I mean, I could just stay and hide the whole game, but at the same time I don't want to just hide around while waiting for everyone else to die."

She took a long pause, trying to phrase out the question in mind, "What am I supposed to do now? What would be the best move?"

[Cactus]

There was a pause, and then a sigh.

"I can't tell you what to do or what not to do. But I think the best thing for you to do now is to keep your head down and see how the cards shake out. Let you figure things out in your own mind. Do that, and I'll check back in with you tomorrow. Good luck."

The collar went silent.

[Tapey]

And the collar went silent, along with everything around her. Nothing but the sounds of waves splashing.

"Thanks...." Hannah timidly replied, even though she knew Malcolm won't hear it. She gave out a small sigh. She still felt a bit anxious and nervous about the situation, but it was way better compared to a few minutes ago before she asked for advice.

Maybe Malcolm was right. All she needed to do right now wasn't to go on a bloodlust or to strategize a complex survival plan, she just needed to calm down.

Hannah took another deep breath. In...

Out...

In...

And out...

She looked around the jetties. It was still empty with no signs of anyone passing by, connected towards various types of boats floating across the area.

Remembering what her mentor said about cooling her head off, she took her bag and left again.

'You're going to be fine.' Hannah thought to herself as she left the jetties to wander around.

'You're just looking for a new place to calm down. I'm sure you won't get into trouble'

'It's going to be okay...'

'I promise.'

((Hannah Choi continuing elsewhere...))