Courage

[Irina Ivanov]

He was back in this wretched position alone again. The minutes of silence were maddening now, and he was curled up in that ball again, this time, it was even more tighter. He had only spent a few hours outside, and what he saw? Chaos. He had walked around the area for a bit, and instead of the calming effect he should have felt considering his claustrophobic episode?

He felt vulnerable, in the open, as if he had a target on his back. Then he saw what seemed to be blood, and it reminded him of his scenario that he thought up of. Only now, he was the girl who was shot down because she was in no man’s land. He dashed back into the familiar house, up the stairs into the small room, before locking it up by placing a table over it. He wasn’t ready yet. But when will he?

He felt the room closing in on him again. It was irrational, and based on emotions. He couldn’t have another episode, if he did, then he would run back out again. He needed to put his mind in something, anything that need some thought!

Oh! Philosophy! Why didn’t he think of that earlier? It need to put his mind to something familiar to, and philosophy, especially of the moral kind would definitely help his case, even if it was only helping him get past a panic attack.

What is a topic that would help in this case?

Edward thought about the famous Trolley Problem. Actually, it changed to the Bow problem. Edward changed the old dilemma to fit his situation.

A killer aims his bow at five people, and by moving one person between them, the five would be saved. The one person is the killer. If that one person died, then five other lives would be saved. Which is good, because to save five lives is better than saving one. Edward would let the one die if he was in the situation.

Which is much more harder when he’s the killer.
….
….
….
He had made his decision. He would avoid this situation altogether, by making sure the one person never was there to begin with. That solves that problem. He would make sure that he never placed himself in more danger than he did already, and would keep as many options open for as long as possible.

If I killed, although I might benefit more so in the long term, for now, I’ll have to make sure that even the short term happens for me.

Perhaps it was his way of getting rid of stress, or maybe he thought that planning out and thinking about his current problems helped gain control over them, but Edward felt more calmer after this.

But there was still a problem.

While he might have had a possible epiphany in his mental world, back in the physical world, he found that he was still curled up in a ball, huddled in a corner. If anyone had bothered to watch him, then they surely would be bored to death by now. Even the best cameras couldn’t capture thoughts.

Edward couldn’t help but feel a developing bitterness towards the audience. It was rational, Edward thought, from a logical perspective anyways. The audience was watching a morally devoid event, and while he was sure some of them were worried parents, he also thought of those who liked the violence and death, the ones who watched The Program as if it was a TV show. The most morally reprehensible kind of person, the coward who hides behind a TV screen to enjoy their sick interests. Edward wondered what it would be like if they were selected instead.

That’s right. Edward was better than those watching behind the screen, there was no doubt about it. He was actually in the scenario, while those people didn’t. Edward smirked a bit. He felt...braver, his thoughts were ego-feeding and focused on putting others down, but they helped. Maybe he could even open that door now.

“Oh, how the worst of situations brings out the worst in morals.”

Saying it out loud, Edward noticed just how cracked his voice has become. He hadn’t said anything in all the time he has awoken and he didn’t take out anything in his bag yet, not even water. He should probably do that, it’s been a long time since he ate.

Moving his atrophied legs, Edward had to use his elbow to prevent falling over. He reached over to the green bag, opened it up and tipped it over, letting its contents spill out. Grabbing at the contents, he picked up what he thought was most important, food. Ripping a bit of the bread off and drinking some water, Edward felt his constant hunger pangs and headache go away. After finishing up, he packed everything up back into the duffel bag. He was still feeling hungry, but who knows how long the Program could go for? Usually more than a week, as far as he knew, so he would need all the food he could get.

Finally standing up, Edward stared at the exit, staring at it for a long time. This was a big decision, and it could mean life and death. Now that he had eaten and was more rational this time, and less stressed, Edward trusted that he wouldn’t make a foolish decision based on impulse anymore.

He started to walk down the room, and hesitated when he felt his hands were on the table blocking the entrance.

“I can do this..come on Edward, just a few seconds of your time, and you’re out.”

Reassuring himself out loud, Edward pushed the table away with one big shove, and opened the door. This time, he felt little panic like he did before. If anything, he was glad to be out of that stuffy room. That small room had nothing except a small window, a bed and a small study area, good for hiding, not good for sanity. The house was quiet, but not quiet to the point that it was unsettling. This meant that nothing was wrong, hopefully.

Preparing himself, he stretched his body a little, considering he had not moved too much, and went back and took his duffel bag out. He was ready, at last. Edward closed the door behind him, and headed out into the outside world.

I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier.

(Edward Taylor continued elsewhere..)