((Alyssa Tibbett continued from Adrift in a Little Shop of Horrors))
The sun was beginning its ascent into another day. Alyssa had stopped keeping track of time quite a while ago, but daytime meant a higher chance of being spotted, which could never be good. She sat on the bow of a small yacht, eating dried squid as it rocked back and forth. She'd become used to it- the constant rocking and shifting beneath her, wherever she went. Soiid land was feeling like a distant memory.
She was still alive. She's done that on her own. Alyssa was surprised at it; she'd of thought she would have been dead the first day. But the achievement brought no joy to her. It felt wrong, like she was lingering where she didn't belong. She listened to the parade of names each announcement- she'd managed to avoid the worst of the game since that fight with the masked group, but for how long?
Hopefully they'd just forget about her and leave. Sure, millions of people were watching, but she wasn't exactly memorable. She could slip by. Alyssa made herself laugh at the thought, but the only sound that escaped her mouth was a hoarse rasp. She opened another water bottle.
Can't run Forever
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No Akeno.
((Verity Stewart, continued from Mortal Kombat))
No trace of her, either. That was probably for the best. Akeno had… beaten the shit out of them back there in a way that was clearly not a fluke, so, like, Verity was under no illusion that if they met again it wasn’t exactly going to go differently. No. Taking the smoke break had been for a different purpose, and part of that purpose was to find out why exactly she needed the time to herself. Why when she heard James going ‘hey I’m gonna try to follow’ she made sure he couldn’t. Did the zoop-de-doop. Watched him head off on his own looking for her before heading the other way.
It hadn’t been for Shiva. She’d said nothing to him, and he’d said nothing to her. Wasn’t, like, anything personal, she just didn’t really have a lot to say. No questions on her mind. Maybe by the end of the day if he hadn’t said anything already she could ask him what the colour of the sky was but, like, if something happened and he needed to tell her something now then she’d listen. She was still a Siren. Regardless of her current designation. Shiva was an ally and even with… all this on her plate, she wasn’t going to let that connection go.
It hadn’t been to try and explore the rest of this arena. If it was, she would’ve done more than walk round in circles by now. She’d just kinda stuck to the jetties and the places with all the little boats. Didn’t even bother to branch off or even investigate the area all that thoroughly. Maybe she should be walking a bit more slow, bit more careful, but… it was whatever. If she were to die here then the least her killer could do was just snipe her and run off. Let her blink and miss the rest of her life. Least it wouldn’t be painful.
And it hadn’t been to try and think about things. Nothing had changed on that front. All she’d done since the beginning of this morning was fight Akeno. Walk off by herself. Keegan was still at the forefront. And so was Timothy. Any attempt to let her mind wander would cause them to appear and make the conversation all about them. All about… things she didn’t want to talk about. So she just didn’t think. Didn’t allow her mind to wander. Not for very long, anyway. She felt for the shiv to see whether it was still in her pocket. Whether Fisk’s gesture of… respect was still a fresh memory. She squeezed it, closed her eyes, stopped for a couple of seconds, and-
Noise.
For a second Verity thought that it was an animal or something. Something not human. Then she realized that… no. That was someone… laughing? Crying? Sounded like what happened when you broke the voicebox on a squeeze-to-talk plushie. Sounded like what it was supposed to sound like for one second, turned into a distorted mess the next.
Just had to hope that that metaphor wasn’t quite so literal. She got the glock from the non-shiv pocket, put it in her hands, and moved for where she’d heard the noise from. She jumped up from a jetty to a yacht, walked up from the back of the boat to the front, and-
Kinda wished she hadn’t come in here holding the gun now.
“Alyssa?”
((Verity Stewart, continued from Mortal Kombat))
No trace of her, either. That was probably for the best. Akeno had… beaten the shit out of them back there in a way that was clearly not a fluke, so, like, Verity was under no illusion that if they met again it wasn’t exactly going to go differently. No. Taking the smoke break had been for a different purpose, and part of that purpose was to find out why exactly she needed the time to herself. Why when she heard James going ‘hey I’m gonna try to follow’ she made sure he couldn’t. Did the zoop-de-doop. Watched him head off on his own looking for her before heading the other way.
It hadn’t been for Shiva. She’d said nothing to him, and he’d said nothing to her. Wasn’t, like, anything personal, she just didn’t really have a lot to say. No questions on her mind. Maybe by the end of the day if he hadn’t said anything already she could ask him what the colour of the sky was but, like, if something happened and he needed to tell her something now then she’d listen. She was still a Siren. Regardless of her current designation. Shiva was an ally and even with… all this on her plate, she wasn’t going to let that connection go.
It hadn’t been to try and explore the rest of this arena. If it was, she would’ve done more than walk round in circles by now. She’d just kinda stuck to the jetties and the places with all the little boats. Didn’t even bother to branch off or even investigate the area all that thoroughly. Maybe she should be walking a bit more slow, bit more careful, but… it was whatever. If she were to die here then the least her killer could do was just snipe her and run off. Let her blink and miss the rest of her life. Least it wouldn’t be painful.
And it hadn’t been to try and think about things. Nothing had changed on that front. All she’d done since the beginning of this morning was fight Akeno. Walk off by herself. Keegan was still at the forefront. And so was Timothy. Any attempt to let her mind wander would cause them to appear and make the conversation all about them. All about… things she didn’t want to talk about. So she just didn’t think. Didn’t allow her mind to wander. Not for very long, anyway. She felt for the shiv to see whether it was still in her pocket. Whether Fisk’s gesture of… respect was still a fresh memory. She squeezed it, closed her eyes, stopped for a couple of seconds, and-
Noise.
For a second Verity thought that it was an animal or something. Something not human. Then she realized that… no. That was someone… laughing? Crying? Sounded like what happened when you broke the voicebox on a squeeze-to-talk plushie. Sounded like what it was supposed to sound like for one second, turned into a distorted mess the next.
Just had to hope that that metaphor wasn’t quite so literal. She got the glock from the non-shiv pocket, put it in her hands, and moved for where she’d heard the noise from. She jumped up from a jetty to a yacht, walked up from the back of the boat to the front, and-
Kinda wished she hadn’t come in here holding the gun now.
“Alyssa?”
The sound cut through her. A name she hadn't heard anyone say in a while. A voice that was far too familiar. She dropped the bottle, and it rolled over the edge, into the waters. She spun around, facing the interloper.
"V-verity."
Her eyes darted around. Verity was blocking the direct escape onto the jetty, but maybe Alyssa could run around the other direction. But she still had her gun, so any sudden movements carried the risk of being shot. Alyssa had nothing. The trident was laid out on the ground with her bags. But what use was that?
"Don't-"
She couldn't do anything except talk. But she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say anything to Verity. She'd just wanted to leave her behind and never think about her, like all of her old friends. But Verity hadn't made it easy.
"Don't hurt me, please."
"V-verity."
Her eyes darted around. Verity was blocking the direct escape onto the jetty, but maybe Alyssa could run around the other direction. But she still had her gun, so any sudden movements carried the risk of being shot. Alyssa had nothing. The trident was laid out on the ground with her bags. But what use was that?
"Don't-"
She couldn't do anything except talk. But she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say anything to Verity. She'd just wanted to leave her behind and never think about her, like all of her old friends. But Verity hadn't made it easy.
"Don't hurt me, please."
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Wham Yubeesling
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Yeah.
Okay.
Kind of saw that one coming. Nobody approached someone while holding their gun up and expected any sort of good response. Nobody ever killed anybody in this game without ever having to face the consequences for it. Nobody ever met anyone they used to know on SotF and expected things to ever be the same between the both of them. Alyssa took one look at her and freaked out and told Verity not to hurt her. That was expected. It hurt — God, did it really take this long for someone to react to her the way she thought everyone would? — but it was expected. It was fine. Maybe it was fine. Just had to…
Just had to show that she wasn’t going to be a threat. That this… wasn’t going to end up like Timothy. Like what Alyssa had seen of Keegan. That this was going to be fine.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. She could do this.
“Don’t worry. I’m-” Her voice was caught on something. Felt like there was a wall between her words and the outside world. “I’m not going to do anything, I’m just going to-”
Place the gun down on the ground — slowly, carefully, because that was what people on this show did when they wanted to disarm themselves without freaking the other person out — and drop her bag on the ground too, while she was at it. Stand up. Put her hands up. Stay exactly where she was until Alyssa replied.
“I just want to…”
(to…)
(you just want to…)
(well?)
(you going to finish that sentence?)
Okay.
Kind of saw that one coming. Nobody approached someone while holding their gun up and expected any sort of good response. Nobody ever killed anybody in this game without ever having to face the consequences for it. Nobody ever met anyone they used to know on SotF and expected things to ever be the same between the both of them. Alyssa took one look at her and freaked out and told Verity not to hurt her. That was expected. It hurt — God, did it really take this long for someone to react to her the way she thought everyone would? — but it was expected. It was fine. Maybe it was fine. Just had to…
Just had to show that she wasn’t going to be a threat. That this… wasn’t going to end up like Timothy. Like what Alyssa had seen of Keegan. That this was going to be fine.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. She could do this.
“Don’t worry. I’m-” Her voice was caught on something. Felt like there was a wall between her words and the outside world. “I’m not going to do anything, I’m just going to-”
Place the gun down on the ground — slowly, carefully, because that was what people on this show did when they wanted to disarm themselves without freaking the other person out — and drop her bag on the ground too, while she was at it. Stand up. Put her hands up. Stay exactly where she was until Alyssa replied.
“I just want to…”
(to…)
(you just want to…)
(well?)
(you going to finish that sentence?)
What was she doing? Verity, this killer was- putting her gun on the ground. Alyssa took the chance to grab her trident, holding it out with the points towards Verity. Her arms wobbled trying to hold it evenly.
"Well?" she said, hoarsely. Maybe Alyssa could rush her. Ram the trident into her chest and keep running until she was on the other side of the arena. Maybe even grab the gun. She didn't know how to use a gun, but having one would make things better, right? Anything would be a step up.
Alyssa thought about all of that, but she stood in place. Looking at Verity.
"Y-you want to do what?" she said, her voice wavering.
"Well?" she said, hoarsely. Maybe Alyssa could rush her. Ram the trident into her chest and keep running until she was on the other side of the arena. Maybe even grab the gun. She didn't know how to use a gun, but having one would make things better, right? Anything would be a step up.
Alyssa thought about all of that, but she stood in place. Looking at Verity.
"Y-you want to do what?" she said, her voice wavering.
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Wham Yubeesling
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“I just want to…”
The wall held strong. Kept her throat closed. She opened her mouth, and she opened her mouth, but it was like… it was like there was a hand coming out through her lungs. It clawed up the walls of her esophagus, grabbed the words that were trying to get out, pulled them down into the blackness.
“Want to talk-”
(about what?)
(what you did?)
(how you really thought the two of you could’ve been something?)
(how you really thought she’d react to you in any other way)
“I want to explain-”
The wall held strong. Kept her throat closed. She opened her mouth, and she opened her mouth, but it was like… it was like there was a hand coming out through her lungs. It clawed up the walls of her esophagus, grabbed the words that were trying to get out, pulled them down into the blackness.
“Want to talk-”
(about what?)
(what you did?)
(how you really thought the two of you could’ve been something?)
(how you really thought she’d react to you in any other way)
“I want to explain-”
Explain? Did Verity think she could explain this? Maybe she had a perfect explanation, that would make the killing and lying be completely understandable. Alyssa could forgive her, and then they could go back to travelling together and Alyssa wouldn't have to wander alone anymore, jumping at every shadow. Yeah, probably not.
"Then-" she said, starting to choke on her words "Explain. What happened to Timothy?"
"Then-" she said, starting to choke on her words "Explain. What happened to Timothy?"
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Wham Yubeesling
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“He-”
A couple months ago
“I-”
A couple months ago Verity
“I-”
A couple months ago Verity
“Can’t-”
“Can’t-”
A couple months ago Verity couldn’t say anything because a hole had opened up in her throat and in her chest and it consumed everything. Grew bigger and bigger. Was two inches from bursting out of her chest.
A couple months ago Verity couldn’t think anything because everything around her brain had tightened up and was getting closer and she couldn’t see Alyssa. Couldn’t see the boat. Couldn’t see the sea the sky the sun because there was this cloud pushing against her head and making her close her eyes. Lock herself in. Keep it all out.
A couple months ago Verity’s hand instead went up to her throat because she couldn’t breathe and-
A couple months ago
“I-”
A couple months ago Verity
“I-”
A couple months ago Verity
“Can’t-”
“Can’t-”
A couple months ago Verity couldn’t say anything because a hole had opened up in her throat and in her chest and it consumed everything. Grew bigger and bigger. Was two inches from bursting out of her chest.
A couple months ago Verity couldn’t think anything because everything around her brain had tightened up and was getting closer and she couldn’t see Alyssa. Couldn’t see the boat. Couldn’t see the sea the sky the sun because there was this cloud pushing against her head and making her close her eyes. Lock herself in. Keep it all out.
A couple months ago Verity’s hand instead went up to her throat because she couldn’t breathe and-
"You can't?"
The question came out as a growl. She couldn't believe it. After this, Verity would come up to her, and just- just refuse to explain why she murdered someone?
"You think I'm stupid." she choked. "I'm not just gonna- you can't just say whatever you want and expect me to go along with you! I'm not- I'm not that pathetic."
Alyssa brought the trident level to Verity's chest. One push, and it would be over. She deserved nothing less.
"I bet you'll just kill me the second I let my guard down. I'm sure that's what you did to Timothy..."
Her arms shaked and she fought back tears. Alyssa knew what she had to do. She just had to do it. Why couldn't she do it?
The question came out as a growl. She couldn't believe it. After this, Verity would come up to her, and just- just refuse to explain why she murdered someone?
"You think I'm stupid." she choked. "I'm not just gonna- you can't just say whatever you want and expect me to go along with you! I'm not- I'm not that pathetic."
Alyssa brought the trident level to Verity's chest. One push, and it would be over. She deserved nothing less.
"I bet you'll just kill me the second I let my guard down. I'm sure that's what you did to Timothy..."
Her arms shaked and she fought back tears. Alyssa knew what she had to do. She just had to do it. Why couldn't she do it?
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Wham Yubeesling
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Alyssa’s trident went up to Verity’s chest and at the very least now there was something in front of her that she could acknowledge. Something that her brain couldn’t just close out. The world around her head expanded by the bare minimum to include the threat to her life. Not the person holding it. Not the girl Verity had met before. Not all the questions Verity had to answer.
“I-”
She tried to look beyond the floor of the boat. At Alyssa’s trident. At Alyssa’s dress. At Alyssa. She tried get her eyes onto Alyssa’s own. Keep them there. Speak clear. Tell Alyssa that she wasn’t intending to prime her for another kill. That leaving her was an accident. That Timothy wasn’t and Timothy had no real excuse and that she’d done nothing but regret Timothy since the moment this game had started. That she’d met Alyssa and talked and realized that there wasn’t a lot of difference between Verity and her. That maybe had they met in better circumstances they could’ve been friends. That right then and there Verity was making absolute sure she didn’t kill again and that… and that maybe Alyssa could’ve been a way of achieving that. Maybe Alyssa was the path to make sure she didn’t become what she was.
But then the hole in her chest cracked open even wider.
“Can’t-”
And then the cloud around her head smothered her ever tighter.
“Breathe-”
And then her body dropped. Hit the ground on her knees. Her arms clutched her stomach and her head started looking towards the ground again as she closed her eyes. Closed the world around her. Tried to stop the tears that had appeared from coming out.
…
…
“Help-”
“I-”
She tried to look beyond the floor of the boat. At Alyssa’s trident. At Alyssa’s dress. At Alyssa. She tried get her eyes onto Alyssa’s own. Keep them there. Speak clear. Tell Alyssa that she wasn’t intending to prime her for another kill. That leaving her was an accident. That Timothy wasn’t and Timothy had no real excuse and that she’d done nothing but regret Timothy since the moment this game had started. That she’d met Alyssa and talked and realized that there wasn’t a lot of difference between Verity and her. That maybe had they met in better circumstances they could’ve been friends. That right then and there Verity was making absolute sure she didn’t kill again and that… and that maybe Alyssa could’ve been a way of achieving that. Maybe Alyssa was the path to make sure she didn’t become what she was.
But then the hole in her chest cracked open even wider.
“Can’t-”
And then the cloud around her head smothered her ever tighter.
“Breathe-”
And then her body dropped. Hit the ground on her knees. Her arms clutched her stomach and her head started looking towards the ground again as she closed her eyes. Closed the world around her. Tried to stop the tears that had appeared from coming out.
…
…
“Help-”
Alyssa jerked back. The trident went clattering to the deck. She stared with complete bewilderment at the girl crumpled on the ground before her. Too many thoughts raced through her mind. Was it real or an act? It looked very real to her, but Alyssa didn't trust her own judgement anymore. Verity herself had destroyed that. Alyssa could run, kill her, help her, laugh at her, join her in crying on the floor. Her eyes went to the trident she'd dropped in shock, but they quickly returned to Verity. She couldn't look away. She thought back to her first panic attack. Like her couldn't breathe, like her mind and body were exploding at once and she couldn't do anything about it.
She knelt down beside Verity. It was a terrible, stupid thing to do, but she didn't want to do anything else. She was calm as she made the judgement. Alyssa didn't know how to cope with SOTF, with being shot at, with seeing her classmates turn into murderers. But she could deal with this.
"Verity. What do you need?"
She knelt down beside Verity. It was a terrible, stupid thing to do, but she didn't want to do anything else. She was calm as she made the judgement. Alyssa didn't know how to cope with SOTF, with being shot at, with seeing her classmates turn into murderers. But she could deal with this.
"Verity. What do you need?"
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…
…
A couple months ago, Verity had sat down for a religion exam. It'd been something she'd known about for a couple weeks prior, but she hadn't particularly worried about it: religion was an easy B subject and the way it was written on the assessment sheet indicated that the test was open book. Whatever it was, she figured she could manage it. So she got ready for the day the way she usually got ready for the day. She didn't have to sit near any strangers on the bus — got to share a little smile with the one person on it she knew. She got to have her usual spot in the library to herself. She got to talk to her internet friends for a bit and sit in the sun a couple minutes before the bell rang. And then school started. And then she trotted off to that exam she had first period.
But then it turned out the exam wasn't open book at all.
And then it turned out that she barely knew any of the questions.
And all she could do was just sit there. Her brain didn’t have enough strength to do more than hold the pen. She couldn’t even get her brain uncluttered enough to try and write more than a sentence down for the two questions she could actually answer. All she could do was sit there and try not to cry as a gaping hole opened up in her throat and chest, as a dark cloud constricted her head and cut off all the world around her. All she could do was look up at the teacher and wait for him to notice. For him to take her out of the class. Bring her to the office. Let her get taken home for the rest of the day.
It was one of the worst moments she’d ever had.
And all she’d gotten from it was a father furious that he had to come and pick her up at nine in the morning and that he had to take her to the doctor’s later that day. The person she’d smiled with on the bus earlier tagging the rest of the class in a meme making fun at the idea that someone could freak out and shut down during a religion exam, of all things. Every second Thursday afternoon became a session with the school counselor, where every time she had to introduce herself to the person on the other side of the room again. Told to just download an app her phone couldn’t run. Made to hear about how everything going on was just stress. How she’d be able to manage if she just learned these eight particular study tips.
She’d stopped going to those the one time the councillor just flat-out stood her up one day. Took the B she got when she retook the test. Kept going on. Lived her life. Waited for the day where SotF would pick her and fix all of this.
…
…
A couple moments ago, Verity had met Alyssa again. It’d been something she’d known would happen ever since the two had left each other back at the banquet hall, but she wasn’t particularly thinking about it: it’d be a pleasant surprise no matter what, so no real benefit to planning or thinking about when it’d happen. It’d be… simple, either way. All she had to do was say hi. Explain everything. Assure Alyssa that everything had been genuine. That Verity really had wanted to be her friend.
But then Alyssa had seen her and immediately reacted in fear.
And then Verity got the reaction she knew she was eventually going to get at some point during this game.
And something in all that had made it so much harder to speak. Harder to get more than a couple sounds out while the hole opened up again. Harder to look Alyssa in the eyes when the cloud tightening meant there wasn’t much of a world around Verity. The trident had been pointed up near her chest and it had happened again. This time there was no chair for her to sit while the rest of her stopped working. This time there was no teacher to take her out the room.
But this time there was someone here. She… knelt down next to Verity. Spoke to her. Reached out. It was almost enough to let Verity open her eyes. Almost meet Alyssa’s.
“I… don’t know.”
(almost. not quite.)
“I don’t know what could-" Her throat jutted. It took a second to get the next syllable out. "Help deal with... this place. With anything about this."
…
A couple months ago, Verity had sat down for a religion exam. It'd been something she'd known about for a couple weeks prior, but she hadn't particularly worried about it: religion was an easy B subject and the way it was written on the assessment sheet indicated that the test was open book. Whatever it was, she figured she could manage it. So she got ready for the day the way she usually got ready for the day. She didn't have to sit near any strangers on the bus — got to share a little smile with the one person on it she knew. She got to have her usual spot in the library to herself. She got to talk to her internet friends for a bit and sit in the sun a couple minutes before the bell rang. And then school started. And then she trotted off to that exam she had first period.
But then it turned out the exam wasn't open book at all.
And then it turned out that she barely knew any of the questions.
And all she could do was just sit there. Her brain didn’t have enough strength to do more than hold the pen. She couldn’t even get her brain uncluttered enough to try and write more than a sentence down for the two questions she could actually answer. All she could do was sit there and try not to cry as a gaping hole opened up in her throat and chest, as a dark cloud constricted her head and cut off all the world around her. All she could do was look up at the teacher and wait for him to notice. For him to take her out of the class. Bring her to the office. Let her get taken home for the rest of the day.
It was one of the worst moments she’d ever had.
And all she’d gotten from it was a father furious that he had to come and pick her up at nine in the morning and that he had to take her to the doctor’s later that day. The person she’d smiled with on the bus earlier tagging the rest of the class in a meme making fun at the idea that someone could freak out and shut down during a religion exam, of all things. Every second Thursday afternoon became a session with the school counselor, where every time she had to introduce herself to the person on the other side of the room again. Told to just download an app her phone couldn’t run. Made to hear about how everything going on was just stress. How she’d be able to manage if she just learned these eight particular study tips.
She’d stopped going to those the one time the councillor just flat-out stood her up one day. Took the B she got when she retook the test. Kept going on. Lived her life. Waited for the day where SotF would pick her and fix all of this.
…
…
A couple moments ago, Verity had met Alyssa again. It’d been something she’d known would happen ever since the two had left each other back at the banquet hall, but she wasn’t particularly thinking about it: it’d be a pleasant surprise no matter what, so no real benefit to planning or thinking about when it’d happen. It’d be… simple, either way. All she had to do was say hi. Explain everything. Assure Alyssa that everything had been genuine. That Verity really had wanted to be her friend.
But then Alyssa had seen her and immediately reacted in fear.
And then Verity got the reaction she knew she was eventually going to get at some point during this game.
And something in all that had made it so much harder to speak. Harder to get more than a couple sounds out while the hole opened up again. Harder to look Alyssa in the eyes when the cloud tightening meant there wasn’t much of a world around Verity. The trident had been pointed up near her chest and it had happened again. This time there was no chair for her to sit while the rest of her stopped working. This time there was no teacher to take her out the room.
But this time there was someone here. She… knelt down next to Verity. Spoke to her. Reached out. It was almost enough to let Verity open her eyes. Almost meet Alyssa’s.
“I… don’t know.”
(almost. not quite.)
“I don’t know what could-" Her throat jutted. It took a second to get the next syllable out. "Help deal with... this place. With anything about this."
Alyssa smiled. It was an absurd request for anyone, especially her. No one could deal with this place, it was tearing them all apart and killing them. But she thought to the times Ashanti and Marion and the doctors had helped her. And she could imitate it.
"We're okay. We aren't in danger." she lied "Breathe, slowly. In through the nose, out through the mouth."
Alyssa showed it to her. Slow, heavy breathes. Diaphragm breathing was a calming technique she'd learned a while ago. She wasn't sure the breathing itself did anything, but focusing on something simple was good to get through these attacks. Alyssa felt like a bit of a fraud- she wasn't used to being on this side of the equation, and she was just repeating what others had said to her. But she knew, with clarity, that she couldn't let her self doubts get in the way. It was easier to push them back than ever.
"You'll get through this."
It was as if Alyssa could just forget everything. Forget the game, forget what Verity had done. She could just focus on the here and now. Helping this girl who was in distress.
"We're okay. We aren't in danger." she lied "Breathe, slowly. In through the nose, out through the mouth."
Alyssa showed it to her. Slow, heavy breathes. Diaphragm breathing was a calming technique she'd learned a while ago. She wasn't sure the breathing itself did anything, but focusing on something simple was good to get through these attacks. Alyssa felt like a bit of a fraud- she wasn't used to being on this side of the equation, and she was just repeating what others had said to her. But she knew, with clarity, that she couldn't let her self doubts get in the way. It was easier to push them back than ever.
"You'll get through this."
It was as if Alyssa could just forget everything. Forget the game, forget what Verity had done. She could just focus on the here and now. Helping this girl who was in distress.
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“Okay.”
Breath. Not a small one. Her mouth just sucked in all the oxygen it could and it wasn’t enough to fill up the hole.
“Okay.”
Breath, again. All the air went out and immediately Verity had to get in in again. Stop herself from choking.
“I…”
She still couldn’t quite look at Alyssa properly. Even when she was showing Verity what to do. Her eyes just focused on Alyssa’s legs, instead. Her waist. That was most comfortable.
“You’re right.”
Breath. In, out. Better than the last one, at least.
“You’re right. I did… bad things, before I met you. I killed Timothy. I took his stuff. And I-”
Breath. Breath. Regression. The hole in Verity’s chest was that much further away from filling in.
“‘ve done nothing but bad things since… since I left you. I want to try being better and I want to stop and I really thought that if I was with you that I could maybe change myself but-”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Verity closed her eyes.
“I can’t stop it. Because… you’re right. I killed Timothy. I took his stuff, and that means...”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath.
“That means I have to do more. Because I don’t want to die and- and- and-. Every thing puts me in a situation and every situation means I have to do a thing and-”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath.
“I can’t get through this,” Verity said. “I don’t know how.”
Breath. Not a small one. Her mouth just sucked in all the oxygen it could and it wasn’t enough to fill up the hole.
“Okay.”
Breath, again. All the air went out and immediately Verity had to get in in again. Stop herself from choking.
“I…”
She still couldn’t quite look at Alyssa properly. Even when she was showing Verity what to do. Her eyes just focused on Alyssa’s legs, instead. Her waist. That was most comfortable.
“You’re right.”
Breath. In, out. Better than the last one, at least.
“You’re right. I did… bad things, before I met you. I killed Timothy. I took his stuff. And I-”
Breath. Breath. Regression. The hole in Verity’s chest was that much further away from filling in.
“‘ve done nothing but bad things since… since I left you. I want to try being better and I want to stop and I really thought that if I was with you that I could maybe change myself but-”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Verity closed her eyes.
“I can’t stop it. Because… you’re right. I killed Timothy. I took his stuff, and that means...”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath.
“That means I have to do more. Because I don’t want to die and- and- and-. Every thing puts me in a situation and every situation means I have to do a thing and-”
Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath.
“I can’t get through this,” Verity said. “I don’t know how.”
Her smile cracked. The anger spiked again, if only for a second. Verity was awful. But...
Alyssa sat down beside her. With caution, she took the girl's hand and squeezed it. Whatever Verity was, Alyssa just saw a scared girl. She saw someone so eerilly similar to her, during her own times of distress. Alyssa wondered if she could have done the same things, if put into a different situation. Alyssa woke up alone with a trident, but if she had woken up with a gun, next to someone she didn't have an attachment to... Alyssa couldn't say with confidence that she wouldn't have gone down a similarly dark path. Alyssa was awful, too. That didn't mean Alyssa forgave Verity, but she didn't have to. Not right now.
"I've- I've been bad since I last saw you, too. I've just been lingering. Barely alive. I doubt I could have helped-" she swallowed. No, she couldn't wallow in pity when this was going on. Verity needed help.
"You can get through this. We've been out here for days, and- and we're still here. So why not?" she said "You don't have to do anything bad right now, not with me. Just sit here."
Alyssa sat down beside her. With caution, she took the girl's hand and squeezed it. Whatever Verity was, Alyssa just saw a scared girl. She saw someone so eerilly similar to her, during her own times of distress. Alyssa wondered if she could have done the same things, if put into a different situation. Alyssa woke up alone with a trident, but if she had woken up with a gun, next to someone she didn't have an attachment to... Alyssa couldn't say with confidence that she wouldn't have gone down a similarly dark path. Alyssa was awful, too. That didn't mean Alyssa forgave Verity, but she didn't have to. Not right now.
"I've- I've been bad since I last saw you, too. I've just been lingering. Barely alive. I doubt I could have helped-" she swallowed. No, she couldn't wallow in pity when this was going on. Verity needed help.
"You can get through this. We've been out here for days, and- and we're still here. So why not?" she said "You don't have to do anything bad right now, not with me. Just sit here."