I Want to Conquer the World

[Maraoone]

((Matias Juarez continues from The Distance Between the Landscape and Dusk))

Here again.

He hadn't even intended to come back here again, at first. Hadn't really had any destination in mind when he'd first set off. But, like, some part of him had thought that maybe, despite the several fucking hours he'd spent in this room alone, he'd missed Ashanti just hanging around. Like, maybe he'd left her behind the couch or under the sofa cushion or some fucking shit like that. Who the fuck knows? All he knew was that, it was the third announcement since he'd last seen her and she still wasn't on it, which meant she was definitely alive. And Seo-yun was, too, had just killed another poor sap according to the knives lady.

Escape was out of the question. Killing was out of the question. Even just, like, existing and hoping to float on by to endgame was out of the question, because he probably wouldn't make it out there alive by himself. All he really had left was to find one of the five other crabs and hope they'd take his sorry ass in.

So, here he was, in the midst of carnage, scavenging for the remnants of plans long past.

Not like he had anything else.



He was walking at least. Wasn't rotting in that boat like Luanne had wanted from him. Fucking hated the idea of just wasting the day away doing fuck-all.

Especially when he didn’t even know whether to speak of days or day, singular.

Back in Miami, he’d spend nights jogging around the neighborhood or practicing drum sets or going to whatever party would let him in, anything to say he’d done something. Anything to say he was moving towards something. So here he was on one of his old-man circuits around the cruise ship, up the stairs, down the hallways, back to this fucking room. Inky glass sea behind him, darkness ahead of him, a corpse that hadn't been there before in the room, and he was sweating, holding on for dear life to the walls. Anything to say he was moving. Anything to say he wouldn’t be sitting still the next time some fucker like Anthony passed by again.

He had a glove gun on his hand and a baton in his other hand, and he had burning, boiling blood in him that refused to sit still. Inertia was death. He was as ready as he’d ever be for whatever SOTF had to throw at him tonight. He was ready. He was ready.

And so across the room, in the center of the other doorway, a shadow appeared, dark moving against dark. Matias squinted his eyes at it. And then he recognized the shadow. His face hardened.

“What the fuck are you waiting for?”

[Wham Yubeesling]

“Hoping you’ll give me a reason not to.”

[Maraoone]

He barked a laugh at her. Took note of the matte black gun, a shadow in a shadow’s grasp, and its comically long handle. How it was just there.

“You would’ve killed me already if you were planning to. You have the distance, the visuals.”

He gestured at the meters between them. Too far for either the baton or the glove gun.

“The fuck gives? Literally the first fucking killer on the announcements and you’re gonna chicken out on me now?”

He stared at her all wide-eyed, gaze boring into her. Eyelids above the pupils. Grip on the wall shaking, a sticky trail of red sliding from the wound in his thigh once more.

“What are you waiting for?”

[Wham Yubeesling]

“I dunno.”

She shrugged. Took a breath.

“Just don’t really feel like it. Gun’s more to make sure you don’t do anything stupid more than anything.”

[Maraoone]

The gun more wavered in his general direction than actually pointed at him. Basically what she said with her words. Could shoot him but not really. So, same difference. Basically wasn’t gonna shoot him, probably.

“Cool.”

It wavered more, as did Matias’ balance, vision for a moment. He recovered, reaffirmed his grip on the wall, stance on the floor.

He looked at Verity, smirk creeping onto his face.

“So what’s the plan then? Wanna just rest, chit-chat like old times?”

Not like he’d ever actually heard Verity say anything in high school, really, save for when she was around that prick Keegan. That was the punchline for Matias. But he’d keep that to himself. Had to be conservative with his words around here.

[Wham Yubeesling]

She took a breath.

Wavered a bit.

“Sure.”

Only for a bit, though. Gun stayed steady after that.

“Tell me what I should be doing.”

[Maraoone]

"Well, we can walk right over there," he said, pointing behind him, at the nearest railing overlooking the sea, "and you could let me push you over. Would be another point for the Crabs."

A beat passed.

"No?"

No response followed.

"Was worth a try.”

He leaned harder against the wall, put his hand on his hip. After everything, it felt like one of those fucking contortionist-like stretches Coach would make him hold sometimes, but he held the position regardless, continued holding eye contact with her.

"I don't fucking know, just… what the fuck's even up with you? You've killed two entire people more than I have yet you're still the same old… the same old wallflower I saw in school."

He raised his free arm, the one with the glove gun, up in exasperation.

"You looking for somethin' to do? Let's talk about that then. How’d you become... the next fuckin' Jewel or somethin' like that?"

[Wham Yubeesling]

She shrugged.

"I dunno."

[Maraoone]

"Don't bullshit me, what happened?"

[Wham Yubeesling]

"I'm telling the truth. Things just... kinda worked out this way."

[Maraoone]

"Worked out? You happened to be holding a knife and they tripped into it? Three separate times? Or, or, some guy was standing by the edge of the boat and you just happened to fall into them?"

He scoffed.

"Come on. I haven't had a single decent conversation with anyone since they dropped me off in this fucking hellhole. Not even one little story. You gonna hold out on me too?"

[Wham Yubeesling]

"...You have time?"

[Maraoone]

"All the fuckin' time in the world."

[Wham Yubeesling]

“...

“...

“I woke up on the deck. Before the season had even started. I’d been kinda trying to get my bearings when Timothy showed up. We talked. Then he tried to grab my bag. Something happened and somehow he managed to fuck up his knee. I… tried to help him because it was my fault and I wanted to make it up but then I realized that he was… basically gone. That I’d basically already killed him. Then my mind kind of went… bad and it told me to push him off the cruise ship and I couldn’t think things straight so I did. He struggled. Then he… gave up, I think. Just let me drop him into the water. One second he was there and the next second he wasn’t.

“And I… and that made me freak out. Try to run away. I went to one of the cabins in the corridors and I… stayed there for a bit. Tried to grasp what I’d just done. Tried to figure out what the fuck I was going to do next. I got both my and Timothy’s bags and they both had guns and that made me realize why they’d put me here in the first place. To be the first killer. To freak out and play and get the season moving and then get put down when I was no longer really useful. Burn big, burn-

“...

“Sorry. For...got what I said back then.

“The point was that I didn’t want to be what the people put me here wanted me to be. I didn’t want to give them what they wanted. So I… vowed to not be that. Didn’t know exactly how, but it was still a start. I went out. Met Alyssa. We… talked and I tried to calm her down and I kinda found out we were both a little like each other and we decided to travel together. And we did. Akeno came and I think she already knew I killed Timothy but… Alyssa trusted me over her. And that made me feel for a second that… maybe I could actually do this. Maybe for once I could actually keep a promise I gave myself.

“And then…

“Then we went… here. Where we’re standing. We saw Bacchia and James on the other end of the room. Bacchia took one look at us, smiled, and then immediately tried to kill us. Like, I dunno. Like a switch had just been flipped in her. She tried to use her sword but then I fought her off and brought out my gun to hold her off and then Keegan came in. Calmed us down. Let us leave. We tried to and then…

“And then Bacchia attacked us again. I turned around, tried to get her, but the bullets went right into Keegan.

“I can’t remember what happened after that. I lost Alyssa. I went back to the deck. I went to where I’d pushed Timothy through the railing and then I stepped off. Tried to kill myself. I think… I think that was my way of trying to stop it. I thought in the moment there was no way to stop me from being me, so… I tried to end it. Make sure I couldn’t do anything more wrong.

“Didn’t work, obviously. Just made me lose my glasses. And get really wet. And cold.

“And I just kind of existed for a bit. Tried to stop myself from causing more violence. I went down to the… basement place here. Met… Rhonda. Leah. Akeno, again. I had to work to stop it from becoming violent. I had to… actively try to make sure I didn’t fuck things up.

“So I.. didn’t know what to do at that point. I couldn’t stop myself, and I couldn’t kill myself. I tried to talk to Shiva. Told him… basically everything that was weighing on my mind and then… then he said I had a chance. That he believed in me. And… and that gave me the strength to go forward. Tell him… about a plan I’d been thinking about. This idea I had to-

“...

“...

“Am I allowed to stop? My throat hurts.”

[Maraoone]

Matias blinked several times.

"By- by all means."

He looked at the ground.

"Jesus," he muttered.