We Used To Get High Together

Day 13, Afternoon.

Following a well-worn path from the temple that leads behind the building and the memorial garden takes you to the cliff face itself. Featuring a sheer drop to the water and rocks below and no barrier of any kind, the edge of the cliff is not one for the faint of heart. A large roughly cut wooden sign has been haphazardly hammered into the ground here but whatever was originally painted upon it has long since washed away leaving only a shadow of a single word behind.
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

We Used To Get High Together

#1

Post by Shiola »

From high up on the cliffs, the sound of the ocean was a persistent white noise that rose and fell in intensity with the waves. It was a relaxing, pleasant refrain; the air on the rest of the island was altogether too humid, too thick with the stench of death, too alive with the buzzing of insects and the sound of people trying to kill one another. Out here, there was little else to listen to but the cries of seabirds and water crashing on the rocks below. The cloud cover seemed to mute everything in a light grey. Occasionally they parted, the startling heat of the sun cutting through the cool sea breeze, which then passed as quickly as it came. The sunlight didn't stay long. More of a reminder that it was still up there, than anything else.

There were bodies strewn all about the island, but this part of the cliffside was mostly free of them. Walking along its edge, one found a narrow path that led upwards and away from the Temple, eventually ending at one of the highest points on this side of the island. A tree grew partly over the edge of the cliffside, erosion having exposed a mess of roots sticking out into the open air. Nevertheless, it was sturdy and the small canopy provided ample shade. Towards the base of the tree, the initials “E.S” were meticulously carved and visible, just above a branch that hung out over the dizzying precipice. At one point it had been a clever hiding place for a weapon, concealing the rifle in a place no one else would’ve thought to look, nor venture out to. The act had made the whole area feel familiar and private, and it was part of the reason the weapon’s owner opted to return here.

The path leading to the tree was marked, in its own way. Drops of blood followed an uneasy set of footprints the entire way. Stymied but never fully stopping, there were places on the path where the footprints gave way to chaotic disruptions in the sandy dirt and the occasional bloody outline of a hand.

An empty brass case streaked in black powder residue lay on the ground near the tree. The person who ejected it from the rifle didn’t have the strength to do so with much vigor, and there was a bloody thumbprint on the shell from the act of drawing it from the rifle’s action and tossing it aside.

It lay right where the uneven footprints gave way to a discarded pair of worn boots, next to which were a pair of socks that seemed especially close to disintegrating. The person they belonged to wasn’t much further away, lying up against the lone tree. Her left leg was lying outstretched, while the right was bent closer to her chest, bracing her back against the tree.

The area around the girl was strewn with her belongings. Her daypack was lying empty and open near to her legs, with the collar radar resting near the cliff’s edge atop a small pile of well-worn clothes. What little remained of her medical supplies was used up, the pieces of cloth and a few strips of gauze tape applied to the more superficial of her injuries. It wasn't nearly enough to do anything about the worst of them. The third and worst of the gunshot wounds she had received in her time on the island had taken its toll, the rifle round having punched into her shoulder, tumbling and embedding itself deep into bone.

In the heat of the moment she’d assumed it was something that would hold her back a little bit more, but that she could ultimately power through. That she hadn’t bled out immediately meant it missed any major arteries. Adrenaline did carry her most of the way. When that failed, her own stubborn nature carried her up the path to the tree. By now though, it was clear nothing was going to get her back to her feet right away, something she seemed to realize. The bandolier of cartridges for her rifle was set out next to her, as was the rifle itself. The box she’d been using to store loose nine millimetre cartridges was lying open nearby, full of enough ammunition to do what she knew she needed to do.


((Erika Stieglitz continued from Horseshoes and Hand Grenades))



Erika’s hands trembled as she pushed the small pistol cartridges into the waiting, empty magazine. If this was where she had to make her stand, they needed to be loaded and ready. There was one path to get here, it was treacherous, and there was a clear enough line of sight to take anyone who followed the trail of blood all the way up. A good place to hole up, as good as any left here.

Of course, they could declare it a danger-zone. Leave only a short window of time to escape before the collar blew. Erika tried not to think about what would happen then. A different sort of fight, she supposed. It wasn’t worth thinking about, not yet.

The magazines needed to be loaded again. Normally she’d have a reloading tool, a little piece of plastic that helped depress the magazine spring so it was easier to put the cartridges in. On the island, she’d gotten used to just forcing down the spring on her own. It left painful red marks on her hands, but it worked.

At this point she’d made it to eleven cartridges, out of thirteen. She couldn’t use both hands to push the next round into the magazine, not if she didn’t want to pass out from the pain in her shoulder. It wasn’t a through-and-through, the bullet was still stuck inside as far as she could tell. It was going to have to stay there until the terrorists provided her some medical attention. The best she was able to do was press a rolled up t-shirt against the injury. That was another reason it was hard to get the little brass cartridges into the magazine; A few of them were now bloody from handling them after tending to her shoulder, and difficult to get a decent grip on.

Erika sighed, and made another attempt to press the twelfth round into the magazine. After too much of an attempt, she was forced to let go when her body rebelled. The bullet sprang out from the top of the magazine, landing on her pant leg. Breathing through tightly gritted teeth, she glared at the tiny cartridge as it rolled over her knee and onto the ground, and then a few inches further. Enough to be just out of reach.

Sighing, she hung her head and reached up to rub her eyes, before painfully realizing she had to use the other hand to do so.

“Goddamnit.”
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#2

Post by Namira »

((Garnet continued from Someday, she'd breathe again))

Coming back here might have been a bad idea, but it was the furthest point away from the cavalcade of gunfire and explosions that had erupted around the manor and houses.

How did it already feel like years ago that she sat on this cliffside?

Garnet snapped out of her daze as her eyes settled on the figure. Someone was there.

No, not someone.

"Erika?"

There was no question, but if she asked it, she could pretend for a second longer.
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#3

Post by Shiola »

Her right thumb turned a paler white as she pressed down hard on the bullet, which dipped slightly past the feed lips of the magazine, but not far enough for it to stay there. Erika stared down at it, hoping that the look of consternation and hatred might somehow provide enough pressure to press it down all the way. Nevertheless, she continued to fail at a simple task she never thought would be so difficult.

It meant so much and she didn’t want to internalize it, and focused harder in an attempt to block those thoughts out. Doing so only seemed to make her more aware of thoughts she couldn’t allow herself to have, for fear she might start to accept them.

Motion out of the corner of her eye drew her attention up and away, and she promptly dropped the loose cartridge and fitted the mostly-full magazine back into her pistol. The action closed with the satisfying sound of steel on steel, and with a mechanical vigor she knew she couldn’t replicate at this point. Having the strength in her left hand to pull back on the slide was maybe beyond her; the first bullet had to work.

Erika raised the gun at the newcomer, but that first bullet stayed in the chamber. She recognized them immediately. Still armed with the shotgun Erika gave her and its makeshift shoelace sling. She still looked lost, and scared. At least she found her Arcanine hat.

Her arm wavered at first under the weight of the pistol, and then again under the weight of recognition.

She shook, and she tried to breathe to make herself still, but it didn’t help this time. Pressing her good leg down, Erika tried to rise up from the base of the tree. About a foot up off the ground, that good leg failed her, and she slumped back down.

Maybe she didn’t have to move. Garnet wasn’t yet aiming a gun. Maybe it was as simple as it seemed. Using her bloodied arm, she cupped the underside of the pistol’s grip to keep it steady, unable to otherwise hold it properly.

A look of anger shot across Erika’s face, as she realized she hadn't heard Garnet's name on the announcements. Seemed like she still hadn’t learned anything about this place since they’d last met. Now it was too late.

Her frustration sounded so much more cold and certain in her mind than it did coming out of her mouth.

“Garnet. What the-”

A cough and a spasm of pain interrupted her. After a brief pause, Erika regained something that could only be charitably called composure.

“-fuck. Are you doing here?”
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#4

Post by Namira »

Once again, she stared down the barrel of Erika's gun.

And here they were.

Had to happen sooner or later, right? Couldn't stay lucky forever, and Erika was a force, a driver, armed, equipped, ruthless, dangerous. Invincible? No. The time they'd spent together proved that much, but it also proved her competence, it proved that Erika wouldn't go down with any kind of ordinary effort.

And really, what did any of that matter?

This was inevitable.

This was always going to happen.

“Trying not to find anyone.

“I guess it worked for a bit.

“Erika, you…”

Garnet hung her head.

“Are we gonna do this again?

“You look like hell.”
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#5

Post by Shiola »

“Hmph. Yeah, I guess it like - I guess it comes with the territory.”

Erika exhaled sharply from her nose. The preamble to a cynical laugh she quickly suppressed. Expressions like that hurt too much now, and she couldn’t give Garnet an opening. No more chances to grow a spine, and steal everything away from her. This was one final test, of course. One last chance to prove what really mattered.

“No, we’re not doing that shit again, no we’re like - this is it. This is it.”

She tried to raise the pistol to fire it, holding it aloft for a few seconds before letting it rest again on her lap, still pointing towards Garnet.

Maybe it didn’t have to happen yet, she’d just wait until some of the pain subsided, until she could make sure she wasn’t going to fuck up or miss.

“You know that, right?”

Garnet deserved better than that. Erika knew she had enough strength left to do this right. This was the home stretch, the hardest part. Of course it was going to feel the worst. Of course it was going to be close to the wire. How else was this supposed to end?

“There’s almost nobody left, so this is what's happening. It's what has to happen, y'know? You missed your chance, You can't stop me from leaving, nobody could. They all fucked up. Failed. No one else could do what I did. Nobody else had the - like the, the willpower. Couldn't bury themselves in order to dig their way out, you - you can do anything if it means winning back everything. Nobody else fucking got it, or they'd be here instead of me. So everyone's gone, and, and I get to make it and figure out whether that's okay, and that's all there is to it. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised 'cause like, like..."

Rambling, she meandered through ideas she'd plied her fears with so many times. Like hearing it out loud would bring back the part of her that could fall still again.

Her hands trembled, unsteady.

"Look at you. Just walked right up to me. Saying hi? As if we're still friends? You know what I've done. Like, what were you thinking?!"

Every part of her trembled.
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#6

Post by Namira »

At some point after Ace got the jump on her, Garnet had told herself that if she kept on going how she was going, somebody was going to pop out of nowhere with a weapon and she wouldn't be able to talk her way clear. What'd happened earlier was as much Ace psyching himself out as it was anything Garnet had said to him. Her desperation had struck just the right chord and he'd talked himself out of pulling the trigger. Afterwards, she'd reluctantly taken the shotgun back out of her bag. Other than that spark of rage which had driven her after Justin, she couldn't grasp how she could bring herself to use it. As always, she burned bright, and spluttered out.

Garnet held the gun now. Held, not pointed.

Erika looked like hell.

She must have retreated from one of those battles that Garnet had heard. She'd definitely been shot, maybe more than once.

Garnet raised her head again. This was always going to happen. Didn't mean she knew what to do about it.

"I was thinking that it's still you, after all this. Like, we are still friends. When did we stop, Erika?

"You saying it was back at the beginning? After you held me up? When we split, before?

"I didn't toss you out then. Don't think it's much different now."

She clenched her eyes shut and smiled a strained, painful smile. She felt herself welling up.

"So yeah, I'm the idiot who can't cut ties. We've been here. I know what you've done, you know what you've done.

"And I just...

"I can just think that hey, there's my friend. Dying."
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#7

Post by Shiola »

Erika kept trying to raise the pistol, as Garnet spoke. A few times she got close to something like aiming. It hurt to hear her speak, to hear her use this time to keep making the same mistake over and over. Garnet needed to accept it, or go down fighting. She should have known better. She was going to die because she cared about the wrong things. How could they have seemed so close back in the real world and so distant, here? Didn’t she see enough to understand what had to be done? Why would she put herself here?

On the last word Garnet spoke, Erika froze. She winced, and shook her head.

“No. NO!”

Things looked bad, but she’d been through this before. The pain reached a certain level and stayed there, she could acclimate. Even taking the small rest she’d taken here, it almost seemed like she’d be able to get moving again if she had to. And past that, there couldn’t have been more than a day left. Maybe a few hours depending on how long Daria and Katelynne hung on. Depending on how much damage Diego had caused, and how much he’d taken in return. It had been a few hours since then. Erika and Garnet, they might even be the last two left. Things happened quickly. There was time, still. Time enough to keep bleeding, keep fighting for what now belonged to her.

Garnet was wrong. That was why she was on the wrong end of a gun. Why she was going to die.

The creature, the one-woman army, the killer, she took Garnet’s words and spat back vitriol. This was all part of it, part of the process. It had to be seen through, the only way out was through.

“No, no no. Garnet - you can’t just - you’re wasting this, the last of you. You don’t get to have friends here, and live. I cut the ties, I turned on you! I turned on Ty for fucks sake, I turned on everyone! Nothing else made sense, I hate it but I’m not dying here. There’s - there used to be a lot to live for. I’ll find it again, I’m the only one who can, I know what I have to do, I can’t just stop, I won’t, I have to see it through, no matter what. You don’t get it, you never got it.

Her anger drew from the last of whatever well of strength Erika felt she had. Knew she had. She straightened up against the back of the tree, taking in a deep breath and finding the familiar stillness that started in her mind and ran all the way down to her trigger finger. It rested gently on the trigger of the Hi-Power, which was now pointed squarely, confidently at Garnet’s face.

“You - you had every chance to make that same choice and live! You didn’t, and now this, this is on you. You meant a lot to me, Garnet, and I’m still doing this. I wish you - understood it.”

Staring past the sights of the pistol and into Garnet’s eyes, Erika exhaled and squeezed the trigger.



*click*



As the pistol’s hammer struck steel, the magazine holding the bloodstained nine millimeter cartridges abruptly fell out of the gun, tumbling off of Erika’s leg and landing in the dirt. There was no loud bang, no telltale ringing in the ears, no muzzle flash, no spray of blood, no recoil, no empty cartridge to eject off of the cliff.

No dead friend.

Erika’s eyes darted from Garnet, to the pistol, and back. Seemingly in defiance of the pistol’s lack of a magazine, she clasped her bloodstained hand over the hammer and recocked the gun. Pointed it, and pulled the trigger a second time.



*click*



Her left hand trembled as she pressed her fingers into the grooves in the metal, visibly struggling to pull back the slide on the gun. Slowly, she opened the chamber and looked inside, still staring up at Garnet and wondering why her friend hadn’t retaliated. Garnet was in danger, she had to act. Why didn’t she get it?

Inside there was no dud cartridge, or anything impeding the mechanism at all. There was nothing, nothing at all wrong with her weapon, she’d just failed to press the magazine in all the way. Closed it on an empty chamber, and didn’t even notice. The gun didn’t fail her. It couldn’t. It was just steel.

I failed?

She looked up, her gaze darting to the rifle next to her, then out to the calm expanse of sea by the cliffs, and back towards the green-brown wall of the forest. Searching, frantically. Like some kind of solution awaited her, like the panic that was setting in could be possibly turned to some way out of all of this. Her upper lip quivered, and the tremor in her hands seemed to abruptly return.

More accurately, it had never actually left. It was just easy to pretend when there was a narrative to follow.

She didn’t understand what she was supposed to do, now.

All she seemed to feel was fear.

She wasn’t pointing the gun anymore. It rested on top of her open palms, as if she’d never seen it before. As if the weight of it was unexpected, instead of familiar and safe. Like it wasn’t natural to hold it by the grip, or at all.

Tears diluted blood and dirt on the blue-black slide of the pistol, running over the metal and onto her hands. The sight of it seemed to have more definition than the gun itself. The shape of the frame, the way every piece fit together perfectly, the significance of it seemed to slip away. The weapon slid easily out of her grasp, landing in the dirt with a dull thud.

Erika helplessly looked back up towards her friend, who she’d tried to murder for absolutely no good reason.
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#8

Post by Namira »

Erika's gun hovered and wavered, dancing the line between directed and defeated.

Garnet looked back at her.

Wasting it? Wasting what? Wasting herself?

Garnet was holding on. She was still holding on. She'd never given up at any point through this, as much as she might have wanted. She hadn't conceded when she was here the first time getting the gun, she hadn't conceded in the woods when she'd fallen, she hadn't conceded to Ace.

The gun faced her down and she tensed. It looked off, it was off, right? She should dodge, duck away, maybe she could still speak to

The noise wasn't a gunshot, that was for sure. Garnet uncurled from her flinch. Erika's pistol dropped to the ground.

Their eyes met.





"Yeah...


"You're right, I don't understand.

"But for whatever dumb reason, I'm still here. Didn't kill how ever many it was for you. Not saying... anything about that really. It's not like I didn't try that time, before you pulled my ass out of the fire, but still here anyway.

"Erika you're... like...

"It's over, you get that, right?"
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#9

Post by Shiola »

what have you done?

“I’m…”

dying.

She cradled her arm close to her chest, shivering.

you always were. there’s just no denying it, now. nothing you can do to make it seem like you’re not, nowhere to lash out. if it was all leading here, what did you even do it for? did rationalizing it over and over make it seem any more likely this would end well?

Racing thoughts broke out in incomplete sentences, sputtered out under shaky, shallow breaths.

what do i do, what’s next, how do i stop this, i can’t stop this, why didn’t i stop this, why didn’t i stop after the first, why didn’t i do better, i never meant for this to happen, please

“I don’t know. I can still, maybe - oh, God. I don’t like, I can’t think of - there’s gotta be something - some reason, something to…”

Erika stared at Garnet. At the one person who was kind or foolish enough to stick around. Realistically the only person left who actually could. There was no one else, anymore.

I saw this. I saw this so many times and I talked Tom through it and I watched them go and maybe that was supposed to make it better but why doesn’t it? does she know what i’m supposed to do now? does anyone?

She didn’t want to look away from Garnet. Like her friend might still have an answer, or a way out.

there isn’t one.

Garnet had already given her an answer. She just needed to accept it.

Erika looked down, now seemingly able to truly see what two weeks of waging a war of one against all had earned her. The damage had never truly been allowed to heal. All she’d ever managed to do was hide the nature of the injuries from herself, to imagine that she’d done a good enough job for them to really heal. She’d never allowed herself time to, and they’d accrued one after the other until something finally happened she didn’t get to walk away from.

That was the truth. Like the way the nature of their predicament hit her the very first day, she knew there was no way she'd be able to lie to herself about where things were headed.

Erika nodded slowly.

“Yeah. It’s… I get it.

“It’s over.”
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#10

Post by Namira »

It shouldn't feel like shit and it still did.

That was the worst part, right? After all this time, Erika was stopping, she'd near enough already been stopped.

And like, here Garnet was, huh.

She adjusted her cap for the sake of something to do, for the sake of breaking eye contact.

She forced her head back.

The very least her cowardly ass could do was not look away, here, of all places.

"There's a little time.

"What do you want to do?"
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#11

Post by Shiola »

It was a weird question to think about. She wanted to not die. It was hard to see anything else she wanted, anything that she could do that would feel right. Everything she’d done so far had been to avoid this -

No, to avoid how she felt about it.

Those inclinations had to be thrown away, discarded. As much as the inevitability of it had felt like this horrible sort of virus in her mind that ruined everything, what she was facing wasn’t a fear, it was the thing itself. So she wasn’t left with much she knew how to do, after two weeks of fighting only the fear. She wasn't sure she ever really tried to actually cope with it.

It.

Dying.

Saying the word, thinking about it, felt more like a taboo in this moment than it ever had. Erika stirred, uneasily.

“Umm… I guess I should...”

It was still so hard to shake the feeling like there was something she had to do. Like she had a responsibility to use this for something terribly important, like there would never be enough she could accomplish in this short time.

Isn’t that familiar?

There had always been that feeling, though. Back home, in her worst moments.

Curled up in the darkness after reading a news story about how the it wasn't just the bees that were dying, but everything else too; maybe a political piece, about which new cascade of bastards had been handed the keys to power. Finding so many reasons to assume things were just going to get worse. Reading comments from online friends who didn’t realize what she heard when they made jokes about how men bought guns to compensate for something. She tried to channel the imagination of the years before high school, where she’d go to bed thinking up stories and adventures, or fall asleep holding onto excitement for a new day like it was a favorite stuffed toy. It never seemed to work. At some point she realized that she wasn’t reading into things she hated because she genuinely wanted to be informed, but because the act of reading itself was preferable to sitting alone in a dark room and ruminating on all she already knew.

Mornings had their own challenges. Erika would find herself sat on the floor of her bedroom, holding her knees close to her chest, piles of clothes lying haphazardly around her, as she glanced between the time on her phone that told her she was going to be late to school and the mirror that made her so. Wondering why some days nothing seemed like enough, even though she knew no one knew, even though all of these clothes lying around got called unique and trendy and nobody could tell that they’d all been carefully chosen to hide one feature or another. Even though she’d come so far. Far enough to feel like she didn’t even get to complain, because she’d had it so easy. It still didn’t feel easy. Thinking things like that just made her feel weak.

All throughout, she’d held onto a fear she could never explain, that she didn’t want to explain in case it would poison someone else’s mind too. The idea that one day it was all going to just end, and there wouldn't be anything afterwards. The worst moments for that fear led her to tremors, to sobbing, to feeling a tightness in her chest that robbed her of the ability to speak and explain what was wrong even if she wanted to. Once she'd known that fear, there was no way to unlearn it. It was just a terrible, inescapable part of being human. The photo negative of all happiness she could ever feel.

Yet, by now it was almost familiar.

Maybe she was used to the feeling where she couldn't stop shaking, where it wasn't easy to find a way out. This was a state of mind she knew better than she ever imagined she would. Erika was in more pain than she'd ever really experienced, but the way she felt about all of it wasn't new, not really.

If anything, it was a feeling that finally seemed to have some context. There wasn't anything to prove or resolve, either. No goal except to endure it, to experience it. Choice only factored in so far.

“I had a… a thought...”

And for better or worse, she did know what she wanted to do in situations like this. Reaching her right hand into her pocket, she pulled out a medicine bottle and the cheap lighter the terrorists had provided them all with. At first she tried to grip the lid with her left hand, but thought better of it and awkwardly bit down on the lid, twisting it open. Spitting the cap to the side, she pulled the scorched half-joint out with her mouth and tossed the empty medicine bottle off of the cliff.

Her trembling hand reached up with the lighter, the first attempt letting out a shower of sparks and the second causing a brief, tiny gout of flame to erupt and singe the end of the joint.

The lighter promptly fell out of her hands, as she was unable to hold it upright long enough to draw in a toke. Erika sighed, picking the lighter up off her lap and holding it out to Garnet.

“Shit. Could you, uhh… help? I can't...”
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#12

Post by Namira »

People would look at this and wonder why she started to cry.

Erika was a killer who held her at gunpoint, more than once. Erika had murdered more people single-handedly than every other person Garnet had encountered combined. She'd chosen to give herself over to this rather than sticking with Garnet.

but

through all of that

Erika hadn't ever stopped being Garnet's friend.

That was the point, wasn't it? You couldn't be betrayed if there wasn't trust. To break somebody's heart, they had to already care about you.

If Garnet had ever managed to cut Erika out of her, then not just now, but all of it would have been different. She'd have steeled herself and faced down the gun when threatened. She'd have said no, when she got the offer, or otherwise used it as an opportunity to... to...

But that wasn't her, wasn't then, wasn't now.

She watched Erika fumbling at the very basics and the tears flowed down her face.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it, don't worry."

She leaned in and took the lighter and struck it, holding it up to light up for Erika.
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#13

Post by Shiola »

“Th-thanks dude. I was saving this for… well, my last day here.”

Garnet held the lighter steady, the charred end of the joint quickly lighting back up as Erika inhaled. Her friend held the lighter alight almost a bit too long, a reminder that it was probably the first time she’d done something like that before.

The taste was as pleasant as it ever was, though Erika was careful not to inhale too deeply out of fear of what it would feel like to cough in her current state. Back home she'd started to see it as a bit of a crutch, guilt often accompanying the feeling of static in her extremities as she lit up. Seeing anything that way at this point felt almost absurd. Anything that helped make this easier, she’d take. Supposedly some people used strong psychoactive drugs when they were close to the end, to make things easier. The brain made some of its own, too. She’d always hoped it would be a kind of trip, and tried her best to believe people who’d done DMT and suggested that life was all just one big dream, just a ride. It never seemed to stick with her, but she entertained the idea often in case it ever did.

Leaning back against the tree, Erika exhaled a light cloud of smoke and felt a kind of tension dissipate along with it. Not the pain; that was a constant that she knew wasn’t leaving her. The feeling of panic began to abate, or at least hide behind familiar sensations and hopeful ideas that now seemed just a little bit easier to believe. The feeling of pins and needles across her body slowly started to give way to the pleasant, tingly sensation she knew all too well. It didn’t quell the hurt completely, but seemed to hide some of it.

Erika looked back down towards Garnet, noticing the tears running down her face. Another kind of hurt crept in. She didn’t want Garnet to cry; not ever, and certainly not now and not for her. That she still could, after everything, made it make sense why they were both here, like this. The thought seemed to fill another empty space in Erika’s mind, one desperate for a narrative.

Garnet was still knelt in front of her, still sticking around even in spite of how difficult it must’ve been to watch. Even in spite of what was still at stake, for her at least. It felt kind of nice, and was something Erika wasn’t sure she would have had any right to ask for.

“Hey dude, it’s…”

Okay?

It wasn’t, not for either of them. Empty platitudes weren’t going to cut it and the cost of moments spent talking seemed too high to waste on that kind of thing.

Erika took another drag of the joint, letting the abrupt silence hang in the air with the smoke.

There was still a road ahead of Garnet, at least. Not a pleasant one to walk. Erika had never really looked at other people like that, here, not in a way that didn’t privilege her own survival. Her heart ached trying to do so. Early in the day she’d been so committed to seeing all of the others as walking corpses, people who had to die and whose suffering had to be ignored. Those thoughts were far from her mind, now.

Erika was still alive, but with a future measured in minutes or hours, at most. No reason to force herself into the head-space of the killer she’d become, anymore. She always did need a reason, it never would’ve been something she could come to on her own. No one would ever remember it as such, but she knew in her heart that her actions were the exception to her life, not the rule.

It didn’t make them okay, but it let Erika cry tears of her own. For the first time in two weeks, she could reach out and take hold of her own sense of empathy without recoiling away, in fear of what might happen to her. The worst had already come to pass. All she wanted was to not have to keep going. To have an excuse to stop, to have the choice to press on taken away. It felt like it, here. The tears weren't just in mourning, but relief. She could just exist now, with the weight of her own survival no longer smothering every thought. It was a reality regardless of what she’d done to get here.

Things still weren't okay, she was dying and it sucked and she wanted so much more than the years she'd been given, and the way they all ended. Wanting wouldn't change that. There was nothing to be done, except to experience it. Live for a little while like everything else in the world seemed to know how to do, except people.

That wasn't so hard, it turned out.

Blinking away the tears, Erika looked back to Garnet.

She never did like getting high alone, not when there was the option to be with other people. Other voices made it difficult for the worst ones she carried inside to make themselves heard. Erika figured that wasn’t such a novel feeling; Garnet probably needed something like that, right now. She spoke up, a shadow of her old self cast in the tone of her voice.

“Hey, you never smoked, right? I used to get high before our sessions. I wasn't sure anyone noticed 'cause Earynspeir was always smoking pipe leaf - maybe I seemed like I was just acting the part.”

She made a magical gesture with her left hand and smiled, seemingly in defiance of her injuries.

“I felt more like a wizard if I was kinda blazed, y'know?”

With the other, Erika took another drag of the joint. As long as she was doing something with her hands, the shaking wasn’t so obvious.
User avatar
Namira
Posts: 1593
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:11 am

#14

Post by Namira »

Her last day.

It wasn't just Erika's, right?

The end approached, and at a pace far faster than Garnet would ever have thought about. All those gunshots, all those explosions. Not everyone would have made it out of those encounters alive. If even Erika was hanging on by just a thread, then how much chance was there that anyone else had survived?

There couldn't be that many people left.

Garnet shook herself out of that thought before it could settle.

Erika thanked her. She nodded shakily.

Erika spoke and then trailed off. Garnet understood. Just sentiment. Erika wouldn't have stopped speaking if it wasn't.

She started to drag her arm across her face and then stopped. Fuck it. She was allowed to cry. Even for Erika. Especially for Erika.

When Erika brought up the group, Garnet wouldn't have been able to hold herself back if she'd wanted to.

"Th...that brings another meaning to b-blazing up, huh?" Garnet choked out the joke. "F-friends! Let us eat and dr-drink and m-m-m-make merry together!" It was an attempt at her Song voice, the booming delight absent, reedy.

Garnet dropped her eyes. Her shoulders shook.
User avatar
Shiola
Posts: 769
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 9:29 pm

#15

Post by Shiola »

Erika raised her hand, the joint still smouldering between two fingers, as if she was clasping a chalice. She replied in the voice of her character, the erudite yet absent-minded elf, who so often played the straight man to Garnet’s gregarious barbarian.

“I remember - I remember my dude’s toast. It was to - to adventures past, and all those still to come.

Earynspeir was supposed to sound aloof, but with a spaced-out kind of humour that was easy to coax out. Like being skilled with magic took a certain kind of busied mind. Years of worrying about how her voice sounded and paying attention to her vocal posture, even in spite of her early transition, meant she was always good at impressions. Even now, she managed to call back the voice she’d used.

Garnet had more trouble, but Erika still heard Song. Direct, honourable, always willing to face things head on. Of all the party members, she was the only one that didn’t imagine that Erika’s wizard was secretly the token evil party member. Erika's wizard dabbled in necromancy, but to the end of trying to find a way to extend the lives of humans, whose comparatively short lifespans seemed like a kind of tragedy to him.

Chris’ paladin was always suspicious of her wizard's so-called arcane misadventures, but not Song. Song trusted him, and was constantly pushing back against Earynspeir’s despair at the diminutive lifespans of the other races - largely by showing just how much life could be enjoyed in a short time. Garnet came alive whenever there was an opportunity to charge headlong into something, even if it was a roll the character was woefully unequipped to make. The only time Erika had difficulty doing the voice of her own character was when she was laughing too hard at some disastrous and amusing situation that Song had gotten herself into. Naturally, Earynspeir always followed her through it.

No matter what.

The characters they played would never have let one another down. Erika’s wizard would have faced down innumerable evils, all with the glimmer of a smile on his face, rather than betray his friends. They were so close to one another, even if they didn't talk much outside of their meetups. Even when graduation meant their campaign had to come to an early end, they found an excuse in-character why the party had to split, and all agreed to write one another from far distant lands. A nod to the fact that they’d undoubtedly continue their sessions on Discord, once they’d all scattered to different colleges and universities.

I guess all that’s a different sort of fantasy, now.

As distant as it might've felt, she knew those days still meant something. It made this make a little more sense, somehow.

“Those stories we made up together, they helped when stuff… wasn’t going that great. Th-thanks for...”

She trailed off once again, another agonizing wave of dizziness and nausea easily derailing her train of thought.

Garnet picked up where she left off, trying to keep Erika's attention. "And Chris would always start making these heroic speeches. She like, improvved those off the cuff, you know?"

Erika only found herself able to nod and smile, faintly. A persistent tension gnawed at her temples. She reached up and awkwardly undid the green bandana that she’d been using to hold back her hair, tossing it onto the ground next to her, which helped only a little. The drugs only made it easier to distract herself from the pain, as well, but not the distant, cold sensation that was slowly beginning to overtake her.

Whether it was the blood loss, or the looming infection that she was sure she’d caught a day or two beforehand, or the physical manifestation of a reality she still couldn’t quite fathom - something had begun, something she knew neither of them could stop.

The joint burned idly in between her fingers, as she held it inches from her lips. There were gaps in time now, moments when she only realized after the fact that she’d been staring silently for a few seconds at nothing in particular.

Erika’s gaze fell, as her head suddenly felt especially heavy. She once again saw what had become of her body. Her whole left side was now covered in blood. She was sure there was enough on the ground by now for the tree’s roots to drink from.

Now that she could allow herself these kinds of thoughts, it was kind of amazing she’d even made it this far. That she’d only now been wounded this badly was kind of astonishing, given all the violence she’d done to others. The pain she was in was overdue, she figured people would say. Her actions had been so far in excess of the demands the terrorists had made of them, that -

A conspicuous thought jolted her back to awareness.

Erika raised the joint to her lips, pulled a final time from the burning embers, and then flicked the roach off the side of the cliff. With some difficulty, she sat upright and reached out to Garnet, taking hold of her hand.

“Garnet! Hey.”

The voice she used was different now. Her own, but with a clarity and presence she was surprised to still be able to find. The rest of the world seemed to be wobbling on its axis slightly, but Erika forced herself to remain steady. It was easier when she had someone to hold onto.

“I never heard your name on the announcements. I listened every morning. I was waiting for it. Did you...?”
Post Reply

Return to “The Cliff”