I'm So Fucking Grateful

[Cicada]

No matter how quiet Tonya tried to let it out the whole world could hear. On some kind of broadcast delay sure, but it was plainly out there, a relic of history come a certain point faraway into the future. Kelly's sympathies were mixed, soupy as was to be expected. It was a good cause to fight for. Bad one to die for. Kelly wouldn't have condoned admitting defeat. It was inevitable that all people not named Kelly would succumb to a premature end, to be certain, but to even whisper that prophecy seemed... cheap. Pathetic, in a way. Tonya remained rather poignantly self-fulfilling, a miasma of opaque tantrums clouding a far sadder truth: her poor daughter had not been born to a particularly concrete birth right. All the cracks had been showing, from the day the father had shoved his dick into the first one.

Made for a rather compelling story, anyways. Kelly felt a degree of sympathy, unnecessary as that particular pang of sentiment was.

"There is, possibly, a time to kill," Kelly concluded, simply.

She'd proven that much to herself already. Good to see the others were starting to come around to her side of the story- the correct one, as it were.

"I think we're all on the same page here?" The question mark was a tiny one. A soft lilt, barely audible through a carefully maintained monotone. She put her hands down, before the crease between her thighs. Not quite clasped, but sturdily close to confidence. "We do what we have to. For her."

'Her' could have been anyone.

[TheLordOfAwesome]

Lucas wanted to hate Tonya, he really did. But as she spoke, it reminded him that he wasn't the only one suffering. Maybe he did hate her a little for how much of a cunt she acted like a few moments ago, but not as much now. His anger remained, but it was waning in response to Tonya's emotional confession. She really didn't think she would get home? Back to her daughter? He supposed that he didn't exactly have high prospects about getting back home either. He didn't want to admit it out right, but deep down he always knew this would end in one way. Perhaps he would get lucky and survive, but right now it was hard to image a life where Camille didn't feature.

Lucas sighed, lowering his gun and looking solemnly at the ground.

"Look Tonya, I'm sorry..." he sighed. "I... I just... I don't know... I guess I can understand where you are coming from? I don't have a kid of my own, but I think I get wanting them to know you tried."

He looked around for a moment, stopping when he spotted a camera and lingered on it for a moment.

"My family back home might be watching. Or at least my big sis since she is a federal agent." He explained. "Not sure if this would fall under her branch or whatever, but you get it. Anyway, they might be watching and... I don't know... I guess I just wanted to show them that even after this that I can still try to be a good person and hold on to whatever values I have when being tested."

He sighed again and shrugged.

"I know it probably means fuck all, but I had try. And you can say whatever you want about it, about how I'm an idiot or whatever, but I had to try."

He sighed again and turned back to the grave that held his girlfriend like a treasure box of death and frowned.

"I don't want to talk about death and killing right now. We can talk about it in the morning when we learn what happens, but right now... I'm tired."

[Emprexx Plush]

It felt good to get it all of her chest, at least for all of about five seconds. Then Tonya felt exposed. Kelly, Lucas, however many thousand eyes sat behind every camera in the room, they'd all heard her. You couldn't unring that bell.

Tonya tried not to think about it. She moved quick, machete in one hand and snatching her flashlight off the ground in the other, didn't wait for nobody's permission.

"I'm gonna get some air."

She was out the door.

[Cicada]

They all would be, as the night stayed the course.

Sleep wasn't an easy comer around these parts, sure, but it was the father that would never return from the store on a dirt mattress. Kelly found herself preferring to cuddle her bag between both arms, a leg for good measure, than bothering with the pretty much long since antiquated concept of a pillow. She'd found herself prime real estate- particularly soft mulch under one of the trees that grew just outside the stable doors, but not so completely play-doh that she'd sink into it. She was a bit too alive for that.

As it would stay. The stars were beginning to march over the horizon, morning drew a bit closer.

It had been a sobering experience, returning a body to the earth it had been disturbed from? In a way, much as Kelly had been equipped for the worst of the sensation. She'd toted euthanized dogs in repose before- the only difference had ultimately proven that the body had been heavier, several degrees worth of worlds more stubborn with its own inertia. A good amount more shoving had been involved, some awkward getting on hands and knees to force this or that joint back underneath the freshly made-over, gussied up face of a mound of dirt that was as unassuming as any bald spot could feasibly be. Kelly had appreciated the connection with the earth, the hard work and sweat had revitalized. She'd entertained idle thoughts- like, if gravedigging was a relevant entry on a resume. There might have been a place for it in life after Survival of the Fittest.

Ambition asked more of her than rearranging and dusting tombstones, but any relevant experience could be polished to usefulness if squinted at hard enough.

They'd set up camp on the far side of the stables from poor Camille's resting place- a rather ignoble haunt for her certainly restless spirit. Kelly could only hope the bodies would all be safely exhumed and returned? For now a distant future- when she was safe and sound and returned to where she belonged. It was a platitude- more useful spoken on reflex than recurring in her thoughts.

Their campsite was bathed in squid ink midnight- Kelly found she rather enjoyed Lucas and Tonya more, obscured by nothingness like this. Their shadowy figures were easier to consider when she didn't have to deal with their inevitable return of gaze- that she could feel. She was sure they would glance at her much as she their way? But she at least felt alone. Insulated by that faux distance. The flashlights stayed off. Conversation was hushed even when there was little else to hear but the distant cry of birds that sounded colorful even unseen.

They were still, for all intents and purposes, out in the open.

A particularly heavy moment of silence was passed with a thumbing at the soles of her shoes that she had dug through her bag to poke at. She had two pairs- blocky platforms, and her sandals from before. The rubber on both was beginning to wear in places- soon, she began to muse, the straps on the sandals might well break. The weight of her bag, in general, was a stark reminder of reality. How it was so distinctly lighter than recent memory claimed it should have been.

"We'll be running out of things, soon. Won't we."

All the things. Everything seemed so limited, so meager, as time passed. Weight on her shoulders infinitely more noticeable than that same weight in her belly.

[TheLordOfAwesome]

Burying a body was not experience Lucas had wanted, let alone burying the body of someone he loved. When he and Kelly returned Camille back to the earth, he couldn't help but cry once again. It was a pain in his heart that, no matter how much time will pass, it would probably never heal properly. At least that's what he thought. Camille was such an important part of his life, and now that she was gone he didn't know what to do.

He was just numb now, sitting with Kelly and Tonya outside the stables away from the grave. He stared off into the dark wilderness of the island with an emotionless gaze. How much time did they have til morning? Likely not much longer but time held very little meaning for Lucas at the moment. At least having Kelly and Tonya keep him company helped a little, even if some bitterness lingered. The quiet company in the dark was something he appreciated for the time being. Occasionally he would look to one of the two ladies, but didn't really speak. Just sat in silence as the children of the night made themselves known to the world in the jungle beyond their campsite.

"Yeah..." He muttered, huskily in response to Kelly.

Food and supplies were hardly things Lucas had considered in the last while. He did his best to ration out his food, but after a while he was starting to run low. He wasn't a stranger to going hungry. Often he would get caught up in his own projects and neglect to eat. It was, of course, bad for his health as it lead to his rather unhealthy lean figure, but it proved useful in the current situation. But even he couldn't go without food for too much longer.

These were things he was forced to consider that he really rather would not.

[Emprexx Plush]

Tonya'd stepped out for awhile. Longer than she needed to, her feet started to hurt around the second loose lap but she didn't turn back. Still caught herself clenching her teeth and her fits every now and then thinking about how went down, and if she hadn't cooled it Lucas was probably still doing his thing too. Nah, definitely. She could get away from it all, but knowing him he wouldn't leave the stable until Camille was covered again which would tear it all open over again. Also knowing him he wouldn't end up screaming, bailing out, that sorta thing. Wouldn't take it out on Kelly either. He'd cry, maybe. Then he'd shut down. Trying to get anything out of him for the rest of the night was hopeless after what he'd been through.

Damn it.

She'd blown it. Around the fourth or fifth lap she was able to admit that to herself. Fucked around and ended up hooking him on her own hang-ups. It was a hard thing for her to roll around to but she had nothing but time and her own thoughts right now, and if she wasn't thinking about how she'd fucked up with Lucas she'd end up thinking about, you know what? Not even gonna go there. She could stay right here in this mistake. It hurt less. So she blew it. She opened her mouth and spoke all kinds of shit that was a relief to get off her chest, and what did she have to show for it? By now she'd be lucky if they were still waiting for her when she got back. Not like anybody could blame Lucas for walking off with the things she said, and not like Kelly wouldn't notice the chance to do her puppeteer thing. Might be a good idea to cut her losses, only cut back as far as it took to grab her stuff outside and bail. Would Lucas still want to see her anyway? Not likely. So yeah. She could dip.

Woulda been the easy way out though. If he wasn't there, fair enough, but they had stuff to work out if he was still hanging around.

She started stepping back after the seventh lap, or was it the tenth? This whole place looked the same, any count she kept was for show anyhow.

They'd all been sitting there awhile now, barely saying a word. Talking food and water like it made much difference. Sure they were low, but what were they gonna do about it? Forage or some shit? Bringing it up without a plan brought the mood down harder, and Tonya was tempted to snap again, but she held her tongue. Took a hand like a steel vise but she held it until she was ready to say something a little more sociable. "Hey, Lucas? It was-" Should have held on a little longer, 'cuz she wasn't sure where she was going with this yet. "It was fucked up." Okay. "What I said. It was fucked up."

Alright. Set your screens to record, because you won't hear these words coming out of this mouth too often.

"I'm sorry."

[Cicada]

...

Damn.

[TheLordOfAwesome]

Lucas gave Tonya a sideways glance when he felt her take his hand, her grip tight around it. She spoke and his expression slowly gave way to one of surprise and confusion once he heard her apologize. It felt so alien to hear her apologize for something. He had honestly didn't expect it, nor would have ever. Perhaps her brief time away allowed her to cool off and made her realize just how cruel what she said was? Perhaps she realized that despite everything, he was probably her only friend on the island and couldn't risk alienating him? He wasn't sure and it put him in a position in which he didn't know how to react.

Slowly, he squeezed Tonya's hand in response.

"Okay."

The word slipped out of his mouth, feeling wrong somehow. It was too simple of a response. It didn't fit the level of the situation. It was disproportionate to the level of humility Tonya had to be mustering in order to admit fault for her actions.

"No... No, it isn't okay what you said, but..." He paused, thinking on his words as his grip got slightly tighter. "I see what you are trying to do and... I forgive you. I know it wasn't easy for you to say any of that, but I forgive you. Everything you said, everything you've done... I forgive you."

There he said it. It didn't bring him any joy but he had said it. He was mad at her, but didn't want to be mad at her. He wanted things to be back to the way they were. He wanted to do trivia with her again. To laugh and chat like normal. For her to poke fun at his promiscuity.

He wanted to go home.

"And... I'm sorry... For what I said." He sighed, shuffling closer to her. "I didn't even consider what you must have been going through and... I'm sorry."

[Emprexx Plush]

Now here was a hell of a reminder why she didn't do this often. Lucas was all up in her space now and that was all kinds of weird; somebody stepped up this close without permission and they were lucky to walk away with a warning. The last time she'd deliberately let a guy pull in like this was probably, uh, prom? As if that counted. Jeff wasn't a shitty guy or anything but they both knew they were just hanging. Sure her head wasn't the clearest right now but couldn't blame how unmemorable the night had been all on that, like she was half sure they'd danced but it didn't feel like anything. Did their bit and got out, y'know? The way Lucas was looking at her was charged in a whole 'nother way. It made her wanna tear her hand back and shrug him off for another walk. They were speeding straight past the calm she was hoping to get back to up into a space neither of them had the kinda healthy distance to handle right now, all fucked up on regrets that could lead to stupid decisions. She didn't need this shit.

She didn't.

Really.

Which made sliding in with him and putting her other hand on his shoulder real stupid, though not as dumb as what was coming out of her mouth. "Didn't let you in. I dunno that we've ever really talked about...y'know. What it's like. Just didn't seem like your scene." Goddamn, screamed any sense left rattling around in her skull. You wanna have this conversation now? You wanna have this conversation here? You wanna have this conversation with Lucas fucking Abernathy of all people? You wanna get all vulnerable with this man whose most fragile responsibility 'til now was probably a twenty-five dollar bottle of vodka? You wanna do this right after he's buried his girlfriend you dug up with your bare hands, and above all that you wanna show your neck all wide to Ms. Mercy sitting quite in the corner over here? That's the play you making right now, just so we're all on the same page?

Lotta points. Good ones too. Shame she wasn't so great at listening to them. Tonya squeezed his hand back. "I shoulda trusted you more then. I'm gonna trust you now, whatever we're doing next. Okay?"

[TheLordOfAwesome]

There was... a strange sort of comfort with this level of closeness with Tonya. Her hand in his, her other hand on his shoulder. It was a sensation he didn't know he had been craving this whole time being on the island. One he had thought, just moments ago, had been lost. Perhaps it was the void where Camille had once been intensifying these emotions he was feeling. Perhaps it was other reasons. He was vulnerable, this much he knew, and right now Tonya was showing him a much more vulnerable side to herself. Something inside him, some primal urge, was compelling him to move and interact with Tonya. Unconsciously, he found his hand placed on her side which surprised him as he failed to notice he was taking this action, but didn't show it on his face.

"Okay."

He nodded his head, slowly.

He was hurting. He was hurting so bad. But Tonya was also hurting in a different way. In a way, they are both losing someone they love. This pain in his heart... It would never go away. It was a fresh wound that pulsated pain in his heart, reminding him it was still there. Reminding him that mere moments ago he had buried his dead girlfriend who he loved, and was now in close proximity with another girl who was showing him her vulnerable side. Both of them were vulnerable, and Lucas' vulnerability was compelling him to find a means to distract himself while his heart protested. It was a confusing, emotional mess swirling inside him. None the less, he still found himself pulling closer to Tonya.

"Thank you..."

At some point he became unaware of himself, seemingly unknowingly leaning his head towards her's.

[Emprexx Plush]

Taking a step back and looking at the whole picture? It was insane. The cameras were probably vibrating with the screams of people saying how wild it was, because not to get stuck on this one little detail too much but Lucas just reburied his dead girlfriend Tonya dug up in the first place. You don't just move on from that and you for sure don't, y'know, whatever it was that was happening between them. After all the shit they'd been through these days, where did you find the energy to open up to folk you'd barely lean on for a bad test? But that's where it all started to make sense, didn't it? Not the metaphor itself, nah, nah, the scale. The tone. Gotta see things in the proper context, that's what it got at.

Tonya and Lucas were a couple of kids dumped in way over their heads. Lives they lived weren't the same, but when trauma called you up all day every day like a bad debt, when it kept at it for a week solid without offering you any way out...stacks up on you, y'know, no matter who you are or what you've done. Tack on that they hadn't had a proper night's sleep since the day they came or a meal near as good as the worst they'd swallowed back home, shit they hadn't even had the decency of a shower and a clean pair of clothes in one of the dirtiest places they'd ever seen. All that wear and weight hollows you out and you try to fill it with whatever you can. Lucas kept leaning on hope. Tonya kept leaning on rage. They were both coming up empty still, and this close? This raw? All it took was a look in each other's eyes to feel it.

Just a couple kids hungry for anything to pull them out of this nightmare for a few seconds.

It didn't make sense and it did, depending on which way you decided to think it through. We been here a time or two already though. Y'all know that in the heat of things if Tonya got passed the chance to think things through, she'd turn it down nine hundred and ninety-nine times out of a thousand. Only question was if she wasn't gonna think, what was she gonna do?

She kissed him.

[Cicada]

dammit, dammit, dammit, Dammit.

Kelly would have thrown herself back in vehement, bodily protest- only, angrily cracking her own skull open against the stable walls might have ruined the """moment""" that was being shared. In all its intimacy and tenderness. Generous words, weren't they? Over-describing and overrating a direct-to-home cinema moment that had little meaning beyond the despairing desperation of the two idiots involved. It really came to this. Kelly had advice for the both of them- don't tie yourself to a teenage mother, for one, and watch where his hands end up, for the other.

Kelly was confident she had to speak up on both of their behalves, actually. Girl power, solidarity, all that. Someone had to be reprimanded for their lack of wisdom. But that was the providence of a pettier Kelly than current.

Current Kelly judiciously shut up and hoped the moment would pass. She'd even admit she was a bit jealous. It actually looked as fun as it looked gross.

Her face buried into both her hands, turned away. That particular patch of nothingness that her eyes spoiled by starlight couldn't make sense of was particularly interesting. In it she could see herself in the third-person, being the third-wheel that she was now to be. It was potentially as dangerous as it was humiliating.

[TheLordOfAwesome]

Lips met, warm and intimate sensation. One that was very familiar to Lucas, but in the current context felt somewhat alien. His hands moved, bringing her closer so their bodies touch. Feeling the warmth and the softness of her form was comforting in his current emotionally drained state.

How long had Lucas wanted to embrace Tonya like this? He considered her a friend off the island, but it didn't prevent his most lustful thoughts from lingering. Having her to hold and to touch, it was something he occasionally thought of but never seriously considered pursuing. He showed interest in Tonya in the past, she showed none, he was fine with that and moved on. But now it was happening, and that brought all new kinds of emotions to him.

What must other watching be thinking? Not moments ago he has mourned and buried his girlfriend, and now here he was finding comfort in embracing another woman. Thinking on it brought about certain feelings of guilt, which grew in proportion to his desire for physical contact with Tonya. He need the warmth, the touch, her lips against his. He needed it. And he hated that he needed it simultaneously. Even though he was petty free in indulging his promiscuity while with Camille, he was always honest about it with her. Had this encounter happened while Camille were alive, he would have been fine. But Camille was not around anymore, and he was feeling as though he was betraying her by doing this after learning of her death.

But he couldn't stop.

Something told him that he needed this. Needed Tonya, needed the touch of another, in this moment. It helped ease the pain somewhat, but the guilt was there. Building.

So he continued on, kissing Tonya as his hands maneuvered into position on her body. Kelly and the cameras watching the scene faded from his mind as something he needed to worry about. Right now, what mattered was what was in his arms.

[Emprexx Plush]

There was a pitch to be had that made the whole situation a lot less obscene. Not, y'know, obscene in the way Lucas's hands snuck through her layers one after another to get at her tits, and don't count on her to clean it up what with the way she was fumbling with the zipper on his cargo pants. Nah there was no angle to cut to that wouldn't have one of them one of them doing something ain't nobody should be catching on camera. The obscenity you could maybe buff away though, that was the way they were doing Camille. Some friend. Some boyfriend. She was cold but not by long, they were on each other before they heard her name the next morning. Context though, gotta consider the context.

Tonya and Lucas didn’t exactly roll into each other for the first time this morning. Shit had gotten pretty awkward but they were friends, pretty decent friends as far as Tonya went. You could see some kinda history between them. Take how he wanted to assume the best of her from the jump and how she wanted to protect him from all his mistakes; that was a dynamic, yeah? Tuck some feelings that never made it to words under the surface and what they were doing, it was still awful but you started to see the other side of it. Friends who could have been more with loss and fear eroding the walls that kept neglected emotions apart until they couldn’t resist their need for each other a second longer. Real Lifetime glitz on that one.

That wasn’t what was happening. Lucas had made more passes at her than she could count. Same with everyone he met that had tits and a pulse. If they wanted a shot together they could have had it any time, she just wasn’t interested. No tragically unfinished love letters or drunk forgotten confessions were gonna pull them out of this one, but you know what was fucked up about that? All that extra tragedy had to get drug out to try and justify their shitty decisions when it was a whole lot simpler than that. It didn’t need a backstory; they were two kids in over their head, and they felt fucking empty. A lotta things could fill that void but, well, give it about thirty seconds and the most literal solution was gonna get pretty obvious.

She wasn’t thinking about how people might judge when it was all said and done, sure as hell not how she was gonna judge herself when the morning came around. Because fuck it; she wanted to feel something that wasn’t hate, despair, disbelief, rage, everything that kept haunting her every time she tried to make a play. For as long as he could last she could get out of this place. There were hands on her that weren’t trying to snatch her life. She could close her eyes and not see a damn thing. It'd all come back in the morning with a healthy heaping of regret on top, but to get crass about it? Wouldn't be long until all she was feeling was the thrusts.

Was it smart?

Was it moral?

Fuck off.

She deserved to feel good once before she went.

[Cicada]

Watching the thrusts. Kelly was reduced to just that. Surprisingly bouncy. She wouldn't have guessed sex sounded like that. It almost seemed too loud- as if, maybe, Lucas was too enthusiastic? ... Well, something along those lines. And she supposed Tonya looked like she was giving as good as she got. It legitimately looked tiring. Cardio for two.

Brought her back some. Not much left of her higher faculties- she was pretty much all dumbfounded clapping chimpanzee down to the slight slack in her jaw as her pupils swelled to drink in as much of the (romantically?) moonlit scene as possible.

But a few stray thoughts wandered down a lonely abandoned Chattanooga road- hollow to look at as it was to feel. The fact of the matter was that Kelly had consciously, actively never intended to be led astray by love, or by lust.

Of course it inevitably occurred on her watch in persistently irritating random-access, variable shape patterns. She couldn't have deluded herself into the pretensions of presuming cold and logical detachment from reality? Or whatever higher-functioning Buddhist-maiming grandeur it was that folks like Garren prided themselves by. Her aim had never been to defy reality. She had always been open to welcoming moments of interest in others. But only ever in passing. A casual wave hello-and-good-bye, before it was back to working minutes. Hours, days, years of her life passed by.

It was a particularly potent phantasm of old days, settling into the cracks of her brain with the warmth of homemade soup. She was somehow off this island in this moment disconnected from time?

Well, not least because she was struggling to typecast the moment as anything besides a prototypical awkward walkin at the wrong place and time that could only have occurred in the time and place of her life where she'd been a student of George Hunter High. This was a whiff of an older version of herself living her own life. It was the wet dog odor pervading the shelter, it was the sweaty bodies on the floor of their final prom. Awkwardly smiling and shuffling along with Mercy's squad. A deejay playing The Police for some godforsaken reason, Langely swimming across the floor decked head-to-toe a hideous green to accept her crown, football boys, an alleged juggalo who was probably dead by this point in the now of their current reality...

All this unwelcome nostalgia, just from Lucas getting some.

That, and being reminded that the only date she'd ever permitted herself had been with Demetri, of all people. Poor Mercy... A shame things had to happen as they had.



-----



Somehow, Kelly had gotten sleep. Not during the show, obviously. There had been an irresistible novelty to playing voyeur to the temporal bounds of Lucas' stamina. But every resource was finite- even her own clothes, matter of fact. Eventually the moon had still been copious in the sky with her crew of stars, and Kelly had been able to drift off to sleep. Mostly ignoring the uncomfortable buzz at the base of her stomach, behind her belly button.

Yes, she knew what it was, no, she did not have the wherewithal to handle it. Not then. Maybe now, when a bit of peace and quiet preceded the day, to evaporate like dew on what Kelly had the sense would be a hot day. She had some space to think about her own mortality. To cherry-pick her conclusions to her own benefit. As needed.

She didn't come up with much. She'd idly changed clothes again, finding a plain black tank top that was supposed to be worn solely for sleep, that was a bit too tight to be her usual fare. That then plain cream shorts, crumpled denim somehow stiff after how many days of storage. Also intended for sleeping. Hoodie tied over her waist, for some token amount of familiar comfort in how it fell to obscure her thighs at least a little. It struck her as a particularly careless statement- in aggregate. She wasn't used to dressing up like this, and when Lucas came to wakefulness she was quickly tempted to hug her arms over her chest, as if she needed protection in that way.

She resisted the urge. A useful skill to practice.

"Morning."

She could speak gently, because she was close to the gentle crater in the ground the two had worn through the dirt in their rut, where Tonya was snugly buried ass-first if Kelly exaggerated what she saw to the utmost of her journalistic intrigue. She sat on a tree stump, legs closed at the knee, angled away from her allies in all their morning glory.

"So... not worried about the cameras, then?"

There was one very distinctly pointed at the spot where it had all gone down. Kelly blew air with a shrug and a smirk, a listless series of events.

"Probably too late for me to ask, huh?"