sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

[Meilin Zhou continued from Tonight's Star]

Meilin was a blazing neon sign when everything about her should have stayed silent. She'd put her ridiculous shrug back on, and in between waking up too early and navigating to the village (where she imagined there would be proper beds) while listening to the announcements, she had made a flower crown for herself.

Becauase who was going to stop her?

Thank goodness she hasn't seen another corpse. At least Ace wasn't named. Neither was Katie or Forrest or the other guy.

Eventually, she reached the village and a bright red building caught her eye. According to the map it was... The infirmary. That was where they keep sick people right? Good a place to rest as any other.

Thorugh one door another- but she was unprepared for what she saw past that. Well, not in a bad way, but still. She gasped, and walked that way, arms extended.

"Ace!" she exclaimed, with a huge smile on her face. Why was he shirtless in bed? Her smile became a worried frown. "Did you get hurt?"

[Buko]

And just like that things between him and Ivy ended quickly and awkwardly.

Even Ace was beginning to notice the pattern.

When Ivy left, he found himself reaching to the side of the bed and fumbling his hands around searching for his basketball shorts. He slipped them on and stared at the ceiling—day one was drugs and day three was sex. Even he was beginning to notice the pattern. What vice would he partake in on day five? Did The Last Day Trials of Ace Ortega operate on block scheduling or something? He was lucky he hadn't encountered violence yet, all things considered.

He had already proven more than capable of succumbing to baser instincts without a thought for consequence. What did that say about him? He didn't want to know or maybe he did or maybe he wanted to know why he didn't. He couldn't make sense of anything, himself least of all.

His naval gazing was interrupted by a familiar voice and sound: his name. An exclamation, not a question. He felt his heart pitter patter. He didn't always like his name, but he had learned to love it. Hearing it from this particular source brought up good memories that he could not contain or prevent from changing his demeanor.

No fuckin’ way! Could it be? Like for fuckin' real?!

He sat up quickly and green eyes met brown. She looked worse for wear but she was also wearing that smile that fit her so well. She was alive! She was here! The light coming from the open door came through and the mist of the rain followed. She looked magical--and the flowers in her hair looked very cute. She always looked cute, he had forgotten that and it was good to be reminded. Three days had felt like three months.

It’s her! She wasn’t on the announcement! She’s alive!

The previous night was forgotten, in a moment, as he could never keep a thought longer than he thunk’d it.

“Bae-lin!,” a stupid nickname, he was a stupid boy, “Oh my god! I found you! Fuck that! You found me! Oh shit! Oh shit!”

He got up, covered in two kinds of sweat and smelling of sex and Ivy Langley and three days of camping in the rain. Damp and desperate. He didn’t think about any of that shit, none of it really mattered. Not to him, not now. She was there! Meilin was alive! She was there! He could see her! Touch her! Protect her! Meilin was there! She was alive!

She came to him arms extended, he responded, and they embraced in a deep hug. The guilt didn’t hit him, the happiness and relief of seeing her alive intoxicated him.

“I’m okay! I was just lettin’ my clothes dry,” he said breaking their embrace, “Are you okay? You run into trouble? Oh my god! Holy shit! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Was he a good liar or did he just go with whatever emotion he was feeling at the moment and hope for the best? He couldn't say--or maybe he just didn't want to.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Meilin had gone three days without a hug, which was the absolute worst. She wrapped her arms tightly around Ace, and hoped she'd never lose him again, as colour flooded back into the world along with her smile, if only for now. She nestled her head on his shoulder. A warm an comforting space. It did, however, bring to the sensory forefront the smell of sweat, rain, probably some other stuff. It's a pretty dirty island.

"I guess I'm doing about as well as anybody here, hah."

The smile was still there, but Ace couldn't see how it's nature changed to a more bitter form, but still saturated with sweetness.

She pulled away just enough to look him in the eye. It was tempted to wipe off her arm, but where would she do that, on her shrug? Okay, it was bound to get dirty but- actually, never mind. It wasn't like Ace was something dirty she had to be cleaned of.

"My god, you're sweaty," she commented, with a small chuckle. Raising an eyebrow, she only half-seriously asked "What were you doing last night?"

[Buko]

And there! Right there! Weighing in at a modest gazillion pounds and standing at roughly the height of the Eifel Tower: Ace Ortega’s Guilt.

“Yeah, I’m sweaty, there ain’t no A/C out here.”

He said sharply, defensively. Did Meilin know? Off rip? And how could she not trust him? Suspect him off so little—sweat? He was worth more than that. Except she was right to suspect him and he wasn’t. Still, another voice said, she couldn’t know and he was just being paranoid. She didn’t know, she didn’t suspect anything—why would she?

That didn’t solve how he was gonna answer that though.

“Uh…,” he began with a senators diplomacy, “Well what had happened was,” okay, that was always a bad sign, “Well, I was pretty much just chillin’ here.”

He was really, really, really bad at this.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

He was sweaty because he was chilling. Heh.

"Hah, I see what you did there," she said, before changing the subject. "Hey, are you with someone? In a group. I just lost mine yesterday because uh-"

She fell silent, her smile vanished again.

"We... we were with Forrest, she lost her bag, but when we found it we- there was a corpse. In the trees."

The memory made her wince. Her insides shriveled a bit.

"But hey, we're here now," came her attempt to cheer herself and Ace- mostly herself, really- up again.

She was pretty sure it was illegal to not be happy while wearing a flower crown- thinking of it made her realize it was slowly slipping off her head, prompting her to reach up and readjust it.

"So... like my crown?" she asked, with a goofy smile. She had gone all over the place, whoops! "Oh yeah, and people. You with anyone? Again. Gah. I'm just really happy to see you, yannow?"

[Buko]

“Of course and like, I’m really happy to see you…,” he said weakly, “I didn’t think I would again y’know? It was mad scary and like I slept through the announcements and Ivy was like, not really bein' forthcomin’ but I can’t really expect her to be, like, all things considerin’.”

And there was that, admitting that he was with Ivy--that was half the battle, right? And it was like anything: act like it was normal and people would assume it was. Nope, nothing to see here! Just casual, normal stuff! Normal people just being normal doing normal things!

Meilin talked about her past three days and about how her group had broken up—Ace had run into a couple people (and a couple corpses) but he hadn’t formed any groups. The only constant was Ivy. Had been Ivy.

“I hooked up with Ivy day one,” phrasing, “I mean, like, I found her,” a little better, “Julien LeBlanc did a number on her, like, he beat the fuck outta her. She’s in real bad shape, black eye, broken ribs we think, like, she’s super not okay, not like any of us are, but like, she’s hurt and like, well, I couldn’t leave her alone? Ya know? Like, it wouldn’t be right, she’s like, y’know, like, she’s like really little and stuff and like, y’know, I guess, y’know, like…well, like she needed me and stuff.”

He took a breath—he was such a babbling idiot.

“And then Lori drugged our water! And not like fun drugs Mei! Like psychoactive, Alice and Wonderland shit! Like it was madness! And we were with Amelia and Declyn and they’re fuckin’ strapped, like she gotta machine gun and Dec got a pistol and Space Cadet Barbie was goin’ nuts on drugs and really it all fell on me to keep shit together and like, y’know, like, I tried, but like it’s a lot of pressure! And I am scared! And ugh! I am not dealin’ with it well Mei.”

He shook his head.

“We ran into Connor Day Two and then we split and me and Ivy went off lookin’ for you and Myles,” he said finally, “But, y'know, fuckin' rain," yeah, fuckin' rain, "We spent pretty much a big part of yesterday here.”

That was the truth, mostly, right? For the most part, right? Totally.

“I’ve missed you Mei," he said finally and resolutely, "I just...," he lost that confidence, "I missed you."

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Meilin kept that goofy smile as Ace poured his heart out. Said he hooked up with Ivy, eh? The first though that came to her mind was that Chen would be making fun of Ace for a while for that phrasing- if he was here.

She really hoped he wasn't watching any of this, though.

"Julien beat her up?" That was sad to hear. Julien came across as cute to her, not like in a romantic way, but well- the way he talked and stuff, she thought it was cute. Too bad that was apparently one of the casualties of the island. Then there was the drugs stuff- the second time for Aceito here. Even with the context, she couldn't help but remember their antics right at the end of swiftball. Did he ever get his tank top back? Not that Meilin minded the view, then or now.

"Haha, well if you hooked up with Ivy that'd explain it," she joked, with a gentle nudge on the shoulder. Chen would be proud. But her tone quickly turned serious to match his. "I missed you too, Ace."

She placed her head back on his shoulder- she could stay like that for ages. "I missed you a lot..."

[Buko]

He felt good because she was good.

say it.

She deserved a good guy, he had thought he was a good guy. He never cared what people thought about him—he always cared what people thought about him. Ace and Meilin? They were a good couple, people liked them and they liked them together because they were both nice and good and you put two nice and good people together and you assume that such things exist. It keeps the world spinnin' and the status quoin'. High school relationships were shitty and people at George Hunter were petty and small. It was good for two good people to be together, it gave everybody cavities. Ace and Meilin were different. Meilin was different. He had liked her because she was.

say it.

She felt better resting her head against his shoulder than Ivy had underneath his arm. Or did she feel not different at all? He felt…bad and that felt like it was too weak of a word.

say it.

She joked with him, she had picked up on that phrasing. He had always thought Meilin could see right through him and just never felt it worth stating the obvious. It didn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine and it didn’t take much for her to read Ace or for him to read into what she was saying. He thought in the back of his mind that she was fucking with him and twisting the knife with her smile and obliviousness. He knew that was bullshit. Meilin was straight up, she had no ulterior motive--what you saw was what you got.

say it.

She was a good girl and she deserved a good man. She thought she had one. But a good man wouldn’t have done what he had done to her. He had flipped and betrayed her after just three days. It might as well have been three minutes. It pretty much had been. How spineless was he? He wasn't a man, he was a jellyfish.

say it.

“I…can’t believe you here,” he said finally, “I dunno if I had given up, but like, you were the last person I expected to just walk through that door.”

say it.

His hand found her chin and he pointed it up to him, he tried to look at her in the eyes and couldn’t, he instead found her mouth. He kissed her quick and then separated before kissing her again, the second a signature on the first. He was a dirt bag, selfish to the end. He didn't deserve to steal kisses with Meilin and he did it anyway. She was his first girlfriend and also the third girl he had kissed in three days. But it was murder island, was stealing kisses so bad? Comparatively speaking.

She looked so nice and pure and good in that crown.

Don’t! Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't fuckin' say shit!

“I fucked up Mei.”

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Heaven in hell on Earth. Those were the words she was looking for.

It remained heaven- maybe even a new layer, with two kisses. She was about to lean in for another, when she heard him say it.

I fucked up, Mei.

It was like the sound of a crack in a mirror.

"...huh?"

[Buko]

Saturday morning meant cleaning up the house.

He always knew because his Mom would start bright and early and playing loud R&B. She would go through the classics—Luther, Teddy, Bobby (Womack and Brown), Michael, Rick and Stevie before leading into the more modern stuff. He knew it was time to get up and start cleaning when Usher’s Confessions came on. He liked Confessions but he mostly associated it with his Mom and cleaning, he didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics. They still came to his head like muscle memory--momma always said there would be days like this, hadn't she?

Beats’ Beats (It Ain’t Really Playin’ But it Feels Like It Tho Remix): Usher - Confessions pt. 1

And it was crazy how music worked, right? You could be doing a math problem and all of a sudden something silly happened and it reminded you of a song and you found yourself humming it and hearing the words even without it playing. Music was liquor for the soul and Ace was an addict. All he could think about was Confessions part 1 and he desperately wished he could just play it for Meilin in this moment. He was an idiot for that and a whole lot more. He was on murder island, it didn't matter what he wished or wanted.

And he wanted a lot of things.

He wanted to go home. He wanted this whole thing to end. He wanted little mistakes to be little and for his biggest worry to be learning the Memphis playbook. He wanted to escape his situation. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He wanted to be honest to Meilin but he was worried about what it meant. He wanted to do right by Ivy but he was worried about how much more of himself he was willing to give.

“My heads been so messed up Mei and I been so fucked up, I dunno, I wasn’t thinkin’,” he began, already justifying and excusing myself, “Because, like, you weren’t here ya know? And I was scared and I wanted to go home and all that stuff and like, y’know, like, you see, I dunno, y’know, like, it was just, I guess, y’know, like…I just wanted to feel good and I guess that’s bad but like…I dunno..I dunno.”

He sighed, he was selfish and pathetic, he couldn’t just say it.

“What’s happened to us is big and I fucked it up by bein’ small and I dunno what to do.”

He paused.

“I ain’t who I thought I was,” he said finally, “Not out here.”

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Ace's words spilled out too fast. She wasn't there? He wanted to feel good? He fucked up? He wasn't who he thought he was?

Anyone who had spoken to Meilin's exes from high school would know that she had parted on friendly terms with basically all of them. What some of them wouldn't say was that she'd heard this exact conversation before. Twice before, to be exact. It wasn't the same words, but it was the same spirit.

But from Ace?

Was she dreaming?

"...You-"

She lingered, holding Ace for a bit, before stepping back. Away, fully separate, but still connected by eye contact.

"You- you're joking, right?" she asked.

But she knew all too well that is wasn't. Even if she didn't know Ace as well as she thought, he wouldn't do that. She knew it.

[Buko]

"I'm...I'm so so so sorry Mei," he whimpered, "It just...I wasn't thinkin' and it just happened very fast and..."

Excuses, justifications--bullshit.

"You deserved better than that."

He swallowed and gulped.

"I can't lie to you..."

And yet this was worse than a lie, wasn't it? Who was he to be self righteous.

"I dunno," he whispered hoarsely, "I wasn't thinkin' 'bout you. Wasn't thinkin' 'bout Ivy either."

He closed his eyes and hung his head.

"This on me..."

He didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry."

[Fenris]

She'd taken a few breaths to steady herself as soon as the door closed. Then, to the window.

Ivy did her utmost not to turn her gaze to her right, to the bodies on the beds that would never move again. She couldn't avoid the flies buzzing in her peripheral vision, loud enough that she could hear a persistent buzzing or maybe that was just her imagination. A few flew around her head and she waved them off, never turning her head. Sheets or no sheets, she'd seen stains spreading the day before from fluid she didn't want to consider. It could only be worse now; it was a miracle she could barely detect the stench anymore.

Her clothing was still piled on the floor by the window, besides her new dress, folded neatly on a shelf where she'd left it. She was sweaty, sticky, still, the urge to climb back out the window was there, rain was still falling, but it had been risky in the dark of the night and would be impossibly irresponsible in the light of day. She stood off to the side of the window, out of the immediate eyeline of anyone out of sight who might be trying to look through it, and chose to sacrifice cleanliness for now. She still had the damp sweater she'd used to towel off the night before; she used it to clean the bits most in need of immediate attention. The rest would have to wait.

Old bra, new underwear. The dress. Still too clean and prim for its surroundings, it made her feel less filthy than she was. She'd left her other things the night before, too, toothbrush and toothpaste, hairbrush. The former cleared the stale taste from her mouth, the latter made a bit more progress on her hair after she'd begun working the night before. She couldn't sit and brush here, not with flies buzzing around her head, tying knots in her stomach.

At least abject horror at the room's sanitary conditions qualified as a distraction. Not an ideal one, perhaps. Something about beggars and choosers.

She slid into her shoes; not ideal ones for walking this far, she was starting to get blisters. Bandages would help, and a new pair of socks, she was fairly certain she had a few. She thought she might have a pair of sandals in her bag somewhere. More distractions. Her sweater, her old shirt and skirt and underwear all lay in a pile still, and there was something that upset her about leaving them there. They were just clothes, like clothes hadn't been so important to her her whole life. She'd had to leave half her wardrobe at the house back on day one but that wasn't the same, these were the clothes she'd been wearing, these were the clothes she'd last tasted freedom in, that was a stupid distinction, it mattered.

They were dirty, though, and she needed the room in her bag, and she couldn't let sentiment carry her, and she heard the front door open.

Ivy froze.


There was no screaming, no gunshots. The walls weren't that thin but they weren't thick enough that she wouldn't hear if Ace needed her, either. Though what would it really matter if he did? She would be a burden in a fight; she had nothing but a limp and bruises and a bottle of bleach she didn't even have on hand. But still, she didn't imagine he'd stay silent if someone was trying to kill him. She thought she heard voices. Indistinct.

She crept toward the door, clothes left behind, brushes and toothpaste in hand. The door opened silently; the voices made themselves known, then. They didn't stop. They hadn't heard her.


“I fucked up Mei.”


Oh.

She thought to run. She could run. But her things were still there, running without them was suicide, could she run, even? She could barely make it out the window before the night she'd had. She needed painkillers badly. Meilin. Meilin was here. What were the chances? He told her. He was telling her, she was listening, she heard. Why? Why was she surprised? Boy Scout Ace, at least when it suited him. He picked and chose his moments. Didn't everyone?

Her worst fears manifesting. She'd wasted her time, her energy.

She should run. She wondered if Meilin would kill her. She should run. She wanted to. This was the last place she wanted to be, anymore.

Something something karma, something something cheaters never prosper, something written by someone who wasn't staring death in the face, she needed her things. She bit the inside of her cheek, took those steps, out from the hallway. If she was lucky maybe she could grab her bag, get out of there before she was noticed, she looked to her side and found them both staring right at her.

She wanted to slip through the floorboards and disappear.

[BlizzardeyeWonder]

Meilin stared.

If this was any other situation, she'd feel bad for Ivy.

Eternities ticked by. What was she supposed to do?

Forgive him, like the other two?

She could remember the first time, with a guy named Ben. It was in middle school, almost too far away to truly count. Back then it was making out instead, but it stung all the same. Yet, she forgave him. He was vulnerable. She was there. Meilin wasn't. Excuses in hindsight, but Meilin never wanted to fight, so instead she forgave.

Chen didn't. He didn't forgive the next one either, even when Meilin did for the exact same stupid reasons. After that, he preemptively refused to forgive her boyfriends for whatever laundry they'd dirty over the course of their relationship, because she would.

Except when Ace came along- he had faith. He was happy for them.

And look what happened when they let their guards down.

She turned to Ace. She was about to open her mouth and say the same damn thing. Why? Because she didn't want a fight? Even if she hadn't gotten into any herself, it was clear that was no longer an option here.

And you know what? Ace had to know.

She held up two fingers.

"I've heard this conversation twice before."

She put up another.

"You aren't the first time this has happened to me."

It hung in the air for a precious second as she brought her hand down.

Why did she always give herself the short end of the stick?

In a sudden motion, she smacked her hand accross his face.

"I'm fucking tired of being taken for granted!" she shouted. "Yeah, your days were numbered but guess what? So are mine! This is the last thing I wanted to hear about in my last few days!"

She turned her glare to Ivy. For some reason, she was the worst possible candidate for the person she was left in the dust for. The reason spilled out.

"And you! Don't think you're off the hook either, but honestly? This was just a symptom of a bigger problem. Put it this way, if our school was a movie I'd be bored to tears because it'd be a blatant Mean Girls ripoff and you're a cookie cutter Regina! And what for? Did your parents not love you enough? Is lording over people the only thing that brings joy to your shriveled heart? If you have one I mean, would explain the way you play violin."

Her conscious mind was astonished. How long had the subconscious been harboring these feelings?

She took a deep breath in. "I didn't want to believe the rumors, Ivy."

She didn't. They were cruel, and probably came from a place of pettiness. Yet...

She turned back to Ace. She hoped he could see the fire in her eyes.

"Listen Ace- after the first two incidents, Chen didn't like any of my boyfriends- except you. He trusted you, Ace. He had faith in you- in us. I had faith in us!"

She paused.

"Both of you... Did I have too much faith in you?" she asked quietly.

It wasn't enough. She had enough. They didn't realize that- not enough.

She reached for the haladie.

[Buko]

For a moment he was just left with his guilt—it was like hearing ‘I’m not mad, I’m disappointed’ and he did his best to stare at his feet and look contrite. He hadn’t been thinking of Meilin, he had, but he hadn’t been and now he really did feel bad, honest.

But could she really compare him to Nick and Lucas? I mean, this was different—he was different. Is that why she liked him? Because he was safe and would never? Did she really know him or just the idea of him? That wasn't fair. The thoughts came at him quickly: he didn’t know Meilin either, not really. She was a classmate, a crush, an infatuation and she had been idealized and put on a pedestal. They were just starting to get to know each other before this game sabotaged their relationship and he finished it off kamikaze style. Thems were the breaks.

Mei was good but she was human and her anger and insecurities and discomfort made Ace uncomfortable.

Then she slapped him. Hard.

It stung and he immediately looked up and at her. A visceral fire burned up from his gut and rested in his eyes. Then she went off on Ivy. He couldn’t defend himself but he felt bad about Ivy being dragged into this. Fuck, he hadn’t even noticed her coming in. Then again, he also felt bad about Meilin being dragged into this and he hadn’t noticed her coming in either—the lesson was he needed to pay attention. Both of these girls were having more bullshit thrown on them on top of the murder island games--yeah Ace was a real prize.

He stayed silent through Mei’s rant and took her blows and chastisements. Then Mei finished verbally eviscerating Ivy. This was not what he had pictured his reunion with Mei being like. He had thought about it a lot and yet in specificity not at all. That was obvious to anyone who had eyes and ears. She was mad and she was angry and she was emotional--and he couldn't blame her. He was the cause of this and neither Mei or Ivy deserved any of it.

He felt guilty for a 100 reasons, he just couldn't pinpoint the reason.

Mei reached for something, Ace’s eyes caught metal…

And then his hand caught Mei’s wrist. Forcibly. Hard.

She wasn’t much bigger than Ivy and he was much bigger and stronger than them both. He didn’t deserve that privilege—he took it anyway.

“Hey,” he said firmly, “You need to chill—Ivy did nothing wrong,” he said and for some strange reason believed, “This was me. I kissed her first. I did this. Alright? I did her just as wrong as I did you, okay? She don't deserve that not from either of us. Be mad at me, I'm the piece of shit here. ”

And he was selfish for telling Mei the truth—it was really just for his benefit. Weight off his conscience. Mei was about to die, she didn’t need to know how frail or weak or simple Ace was. She deserved to believe her boyfriend was some faithful boy scout white knight. That’s what she believed in Chattanooga—it was wrong to destroy that image in three days.

He did it all the same.

“I am sorry that I let you down and let your brother down, I wasn’t thinkin’ ‘bout you and you right, you don’t need to hear this shit,” he admitted, “But the cake’s been baked, the goose cooked, the toothpaste out the tube—what’s done is done and I can’t take it back and I regret hurtin’ you but I don’t really regret it and fuck it, if that make me the bad guy then it make me the bad guy.”

That was too honest, but fuck it, Meilin had been—why hold anything back?

“Faith ain’t worth shit it if it ain’t tested babe,” he loosened his grip on her wrist, “You didn’t need to hear this shit, but it’s better the truth than a lie? Right? Maybe, fuck, if I know.”

He lost whatever mojo he had.

“I am sorry Mei.”