Lucas rushed towards the treeline, heart pounding in his chest as he heard Andy behind him. His whole plan had never been a plan! He’d just hit him with a rock and a box of ants that did nothing but piss him off! What the hell was he thinking?!
He scrambled forwards, pushing himself off the trees to stop himself slamming into one. His foot caught on a root; he fell to the ground, covering himself in even more dirt. His hand wrapped around something as he hurried back to his feet. It came up with him. He ducked behind a tree. Pressed the wood into his back.
Sweat crept down his face and out his armpits. He could hear footsteps. Andy’s footsteps. He hadn’t lost him. He felt like he was going to throw up, or shit himself. He looked down at his hand. There was a branch in it. The end was jagged from where it had broken off the tree. The footsteps were closing in.
Yards away. Feet. Inches.
He panicked. Twisted out from behind the bark. Thrusted out with the branch’s jagged end like a vicious stake. Aimed up, because Andy was taller than him.
We Don't Need Another Song About California
Day 3 pre-announcement; private for a few post cycles
Andy tore through the trees and brush after Brady, barely aware and uncaring of the plant life scratching at him further. He kept sight of Brady's brightly-colored outfit through the trees, the lure that kept him going. His thoughts were a barely coherent string of swear words and violence. He didn't know what he was going to do when he caught Brady, just that it wasn't going to be good.
He zeroed in on the spot that he'd last seen Brady duck away, shoved the branches impeding him aside, and then-
And then.
And then there was a squelch, and a pain exploding in his head, and everything stopped short.
Andy staggered, half-blinded and confused. Tried to blink. Felt wrong.
He reached up with an unsteady hand to touch his left eye and felt the broken-off edge of the branch instead. It had stabbed in deep thanks to his headlong rush forward. His fingers closed around it on reflex, tried to pull it out, but he only managed to grind wood against bone before the pain became blinding.
"What?" It came out as a wheezing laugh, and then everything short-circuited.
What. What? This was- This wasn't-
He'd been
What?
Was going to kill Brady
Fuck
He hadn't even
where was Abe
they were together again and he had to
what
it hurt
he had to
Forrest
Andy's last few thoughts were sparks in the darkness. Really, he was dead before he hit the ground.
B024 CORIANDER "ANDY" SILVERMAN: DECEASED
He zeroed in on the spot that he'd last seen Brady duck away, shoved the branches impeding him aside, and then-
And then.
And then there was a squelch, and a pain exploding in his head, and everything stopped short.
Andy staggered, half-blinded and confused. Tried to blink. Felt wrong.
He reached up with an unsteady hand to touch his left eye and felt the broken-off edge of the branch instead. It had stabbed in deep thanks to his headlong rush forward. His fingers closed around it on reflex, tried to pull it out, but he only managed to grind wood against bone before the pain became blinding.
"What?" It came out as a wheezing laugh, and then everything short-circuited.
What. What? This was- This wasn't-
He'd been
What?
Was going to kill Brady
Fuck
He hadn't even
where was Abe
they were together again and he had to
what
it hurt
he had to
Forrest
Andy's last few thoughts were sparks in the darkness. Really, he was dead before he hit the ground.
B024 CORIANDER "ANDY" SILVERMAN: DECEASED
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
It was horrible.
It was the most horrible, disgusting thing, most absolutely nauseating sight that Lucas had ever seen in his life.
And he’d caused it.
He’d stepped forwards, as if he could pull the branch out and undo everything he’d done and Andy wouldn’t have a fucking tree branch sticking out of his eye while he staggered around with fatal brain damage like a collapsing ragdoll, but it was over before he could put the second foot on the ground. Andy fell, his head lolling over to the side with the branch still sticking out of it. Silence.
Lucas stared at his handiwork. It was a young man with a branch stuck through his eye and into his brain, lying in the dirt, dead. No spasms. No dignity. A corpse, one that Lucas Brady was responsible for.
“Oh, God…” he whispered, hands shooting up to his mouth. He bit down on his fingers, hard enough to draw blood. His eyes burned the image of the corpse into his brain, never to be forgotten.
He pissed himself again. The urine broke past his briefs at last, running down his leg and into his sock. He noticed it, but couldn’t break his gaze or stop himself. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think.
“Andy!” he shrieked at long last, his own voice shattering his stupor. He reached forwards, but his feet were still glued to the spot and his hand fell uselessly downwards. “Andy, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! It was an accident!”
It was! It was!
Right?
It was the most horrible, disgusting thing, most absolutely nauseating sight that Lucas had ever seen in his life.
And he’d caused it.
He’d stepped forwards, as if he could pull the branch out and undo everything he’d done and Andy wouldn’t have a fucking tree branch sticking out of his eye while he staggered around with fatal brain damage like a collapsing ragdoll, but it was over before he could put the second foot on the ground. Andy fell, his head lolling over to the side with the branch still sticking out of it. Silence.
Lucas stared at his handiwork. It was a young man with a branch stuck through his eye and into his brain, lying in the dirt, dead. No spasms. No dignity. A corpse, one that Lucas Brady was responsible for.
“Oh, God…” he whispered, hands shooting up to his mouth. He bit down on his fingers, hard enough to draw blood. His eyes burned the image of the corpse into his brain, never to be forgotten.
He pissed himself again. The urine broke past his briefs at last, running down his leg and into his sock. He noticed it, but couldn’t break his gaze or stop himself. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think.
“Andy!” he shrieked at long last, his own voice shattering his stupor. He reached forwards, but his feet were still glued to the spot and his hand fell uselessly downwards. “Andy, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! It was an accident!”
It was! It was!
Right?
In hindsight, Abe shoulda been just a bit more worried, but like, in his defense, things had escalated unreasonably quickly.
The noogie? Not very productive, but perfectly harmless, right? The nut shot? A bit more serious, but still like high school scuffle shit, and he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a bit satisfying to see Andy eat shit like that, haha. Lucas forcibly blessing the dude with blunt ant trauma to the head, though? That was when Abe started running.
He was quietly grateful that the terrarium hadn’t seemed to do any actual damage to Andy, but that warm lil’ fuzzy feeling quickly faded when the dipshit immediately chased the little shit into the woods, instead of waiting for his trusty ol’ pal with the mass-murder machine.
The two idiots had gotten a decent head start, so by the time Abe reached the spot where Andy’s bag and a bunch of pissed-off bitey boys were laying, they’d long since vanished into the trees. He took his best guess at where they had gone, feeling annoyed and vaguely worried, but not like, really worried, he’d figure he’d follow the sounds of Lucas crying uncle until he stumbled upon Andy giving him a well-deserved wedgie, or maybe breaking all his ribs, even odds really -
Screams. Lucas flipping the fuck out, but not ‘cause he was in pain. Apologizing to silence. Abe got a sinking feeling that everything was gonna get a whole lot shittier from then on out.
Wasn’t that hard to track him down. Wasn’t that hard to figure out what happened, with Andy lying completely still on the ground like that. Was pretty hard to look him in the vacant eye, or rather, to look him in the tree, and that wasn’t a weed joke for once, haha.
He felt an overdose of emotions, which was a lot higher than his usual baseline of like a tablespoon of feelings. Beryl’d been a complete stranger, but it’d still been pretty goddamn fucked up to see her got shot then slit like that, and he knew Andy, knew a lotta people who loved him for some godforsaken reason. You were closer to your enemies than to strangers, right, though ‘enemy’ was real fucking overdramatic, the guy was more like a mildly antagonistic force that was at worst guilty of vibe-sabotage. Where the fuck was he even going with this? That was a problem to cry about later, ‘cause there were some real immediate physical concerns.
Abe had a loaded gun. Lucas didn’t. That sorta begged the question:
Was Abe really ready to shoot a guy in the fucking face to avenge an asshole?
Wordlessly, he clicked off the safety. Leveled the SMG at the sobbing idiot. If he held down the trigger for just a few seconds, Lucas would have a hundred new holes in his shitty little body, and he’d just be ‘a body’, haha.
He hesitated for a moment.
Nah.
He abruptly raised his gun at the sky, fired off a quick burst; the explosive retort serving as both a wake-up alarm and a cry for help. He met eyes with the laughingstock, face completely blank.
“You hear that, you little shit? My buddies are coming to check that out, and Axel’s gonna beat you to death if he finds you. I sure as hell ain’t about to stop him. Better start running.”
The noogie? Not very productive, but perfectly harmless, right? The nut shot? A bit more serious, but still like high school scuffle shit, and he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a bit satisfying to see Andy eat shit like that, haha. Lucas forcibly blessing the dude with blunt ant trauma to the head, though? That was when Abe started running.
He was quietly grateful that the terrarium hadn’t seemed to do any actual damage to Andy, but that warm lil’ fuzzy feeling quickly faded when the dipshit immediately chased the little shit into the woods, instead of waiting for his trusty ol’ pal with the mass-murder machine.
The two idiots had gotten a decent head start, so by the time Abe reached the spot where Andy’s bag and a bunch of pissed-off bitey boys were laying, they’d long since vanished into the trees. He took his best guess at where they had gone, feeling annoyed and vaguely worried, but not like, really worried, he’d figure he’d follow the sounds of Lucas crying uncle until he stumbled upon Andy giving him a well-deserved wedgie, or maybe breaking all his ribs, even odds really -
Screams. Lucas flipping the fuck out, but not ‘cause he was in pain. Apologizing to silence. Abe got a sinking feeling that everything was gonna get a whole lot shittier from then on out.
Wasn’t that hard to track him down. Wasn’t that hard to figure out what happened, with Andy lying completely still on the ground like that. Was pretty hard to look him in the vacant eye, or rather, to look him in the tree, and that wasn’t a weed joke for once, haha.
He felt an overdose of emotions, which was a lot higher than his usual baseline of like a tablespoon of feelings. Beryl’d been a complete stranger, but it’d still been pretty goddamn fucked up to see her got shot then slit like that, and he knew Andy, knew a lotta people who loved him for some godforsaken reason. You were closer to your enemies than to strangers, right, though ‘enemy’ was real fucking overdramatic, the guy was more like a mildly antagonistic force that was at worst guilty of vibe-sabotage. Where the fuck was he even going with this? That was a problem to cry about later, ‘cause there were some real immediate physical concerns.
Abe had a loaded gun. Lucas didn’t. That sorta begged the question:
Was Abe really ready to shoot a guy in the fucking face to avenge an asshole?
Wordlessly, he clicked off the safety. Leveled the SMG at the sobbing idiot. If he held down the trigger for just a few seconds, Lucas would have a hundred new holes in his shitty little body, and he’d just be ‘a body’, haha.
He hesitated for a moment.
Nah.
He abruptly raised his gun at the sky, fired off a quick burst; the explosive retort serving as both a wake-up alarm and a cry for help. He met eyes with the laughingstock, face completely blank.
“You hear that, you little shit? My buddies are coming to check that out, and Axel’s gonna beat you to death if he finds you. I sure as hell ain’t about to stop him. Better start running.”
Axel watched Andy and Abe wander off with a nod and empty eyes.
It was kinda funny.
No it wasn't. Like, it wasn't funny like jokes, obviously, because it was literally the worst thing that had ever happened to Axel besides being here in the first place and probably his parents dying but he had been so young that barely counted and now that he was thinking about it they were barely older than he was now when they died so hey, family tradition or something. But it was still funny in that way people said a lot of shit was funny, funny like weird or strange or out of place or fucked up, like it always sounded sarcastic but it still meant the same thing. Words were stupid.
Anyway, it was kinda funny how much harder he'd panicked the day before?
Like he supposed it made sense. He'd gone through the "people I know and care about can disappear forever from my life at any moment and they're never going to see or feel or breathe again and there's nothing I can do about it" shock the day before and that was probably the hardest bit because it was so, like, existentially hard to grasp and at least for a moment he had. But. Was it fucked up for him to say that, oh, it was just Mikki? Just Mikki, his best friend's girl, his ex, still a good party buddy? Not a big deal or anything? Yeah. Yeah it was absolutely fucked up.
He didn't mean it like that. It was a big deal. Everyone was a big deal even if they weren't a big deal to him but if he started thinking about it like that he wouldn't spend a single moment of the rest of his life not miserable. But even just to him, Mikki was important, and now she was gone.
Tristan, though.
Tristan was more than a big deal. Unpacking what the fuck Tristan meant to him would take more time than he had left to breathe because it was more than he was ever comfortable with because despite living in the world's most transparent closet Axel was gonna live and die never having gotten totally comfortable with The Gay Thing, and like. God, it didn't matter. It didn't matter so much he felt increasingly stupid sitting here staring blankly into space trying to piece it together but there were a million things he'd never said and never could say now and Tristan just was one of those people who could make a shitty world feel worth it on his worst days. His ukulele, and his accent, and his eyes.
Hel knew everything. Hel knew when he was messing around with the "man I love him"s he meant it at least a little and yeah, he did, of course he did, he knew that now faced with the prospect of never seeing his face again, it was all too fucking clear, wasn't it, good job having never said the words to the boy's face a single time.
Good job making none of it matter.
He was gone. He was gone. Axel didn't do a dramatic cry of anguish because that was out of his system, he guessed. He felt tears stinging his eyes but they wouldn't fall. He didn't say anything. Just... shock, or whatever. Just shock.
It really was just him and Andy and Hel against the world. Like it always was.
Like it really always would be, now.
He guessed that guarantee was the only positive left.
Time passed, because apparently that was the only thing he could count on it to do, it just passed, mindlessly, not like helping or healing or any of that other shit time did in dumb platitudes. Probably not long, was hard to tell. At some point he dragged his clothes back on, still damp but whatever, couldn't stay half-naked forever except he guessed he kinda could but he wasn't gonna, he tied his flannel around his waist and he felt a tiny bit more like himself. He spent the rest leaning silently into Hel's shoulder. They were quiet, too. He was glad cause if he opened his mouth he might make some stupid-sounding sad noise and honestly crying over the boy you were maybe kinda in love with with your datefriend was already weird enough without him making it weirder.
They understood. He knew they did.
He'd never done a goddamn thing in his life to deserve them.
He could have stayed there for hours except he couldn't because there was a sound and thank fucking christ at this point Axel hadn't had to deal with many gunshots but he wasn't stupid enough to not know what they sounded like. And that sounded like several, and close by, and like, in the general direction Andy and Abe had wandered off in? Which was bad? He wasn't really in any mental state to put any pieces together here besides Gunshots = Bad but that was at least enough to drag him to his feet. Shocker: he felt like shit.
"C'mon," he mumbled, holding onto Hel's arm. "Can't leave you here alone."
Didn't wanna make them walk with their wound and all but they'd made it this far on their own so maybe he shouldn't baby them but maybe that was his right as official boyfriend or whatever. He held their arm, and they didn't run, because Hel couldn't, but they jogged, sorta. Moved as fast as they were able to. Axel stayed right beside them.
It was probably nothing. Abe playing target practice in the woods.
It didn't even occur to him to consider worse.
He'd hit rock bottom for real this time.
Right?
It was kinda funny.
No it wasn't. Like, it wasn't funny like jokes, obviously, because it was literally the worst thing that had ever happened to Axel besides being here in the first place and probably his parents dying but he had been so young that barely counted and now that he was thinking about it they were barely older than he was now when they died so hey, family tradition or something. But it was still funny in that way people said a lot of shit was funny, funny like weird or strange or out of place or fucked up, like it always sounded sarcastic but it still meant the same thing. Words were stupid.
Anyway, it was kinda funny how much harder he'd panicked the day before?
Like he supposed it made sense. He'd gone through the "people I know and care about can disappear forever from my life at any moment and they're never going to see or feel or breathe again and there's nothing I can do about it" shock the day before and that was probably the hardest bit because it was so, like, existentially hard to grasp and at least for a moment he had. But. Was it fucked up for him to say that, oh, it was just Mikki? Just Mikki, his best friend's girl, his ex, still a good party buddy? Not a big deal or anything? Yeah. Yeah it was absolutely fucked up.
He didn't mean it like that. It was a big deal. Everyone was a big deal even if they weren't a big deal to him but if he started thinking about it like that he wouldn't spend a single moment of the rest of his life not miserable. But even just to him, Mikki was important, and now she was gone.
Tristan, though.
Tristan was more than a big deal. Unpacking what the fuck Tristan meant to him would take more time than he had left to breathe because it was more than he was ever comfortable with because despite living in the world's most transparent closet Axel was gonna live and die never having gotten totally comfortable with The Gay Thing, and like. God, it didn't matter. It didn't matter so much he felt increasingly stupid sitting here staring blankly into space trying to piece it together but there were a million things he'd never said and never could say now and Tristan just was one of those people who could make a shitty world feel worth it on his worst days. His ukulele, and his accent, and his eyes.
Hel knew everything. Hel knew when he was messing around with the "man I love him"s he meant it at least a little and yeah, he did, of course he did, he knew that now faced with the prospect of never seeing his face again, it was all too fucking clear, wasn't it, good job having never said the words to the boy's face a single time.
Good job making none of it matter.
He was gone. He was gone. Axel didn't do a dramatic cry of anguish because that was out of his system, he guessed. He felt tears stinging his eyes but they wouldn't fall. He didn't say anything. Just... shock, or whatever. Just shock.
It really was just him and Andy and Hel against the world. Like it always was.
Like it really always would be, now.
He guessed that guarantee was the only positive left.
Time passed, because apparently that was the only thing he could count on it to do, it just passed, mindlessly, not like helping or healing or any of that other shit time did in dumb platitudes. Probably not long, was hard to tell. At some point he dragged his clothes back on, still damp but whatever, couldn't stay half-naked forever except he guessed he kinda could but he wasn't gonna, he tied his flannel around his waist and he felt a tiny bit more like himself. He spent the rest leaning silently into Hel's shoulder. They were quiet, too. He was glad cause if he opened his mouth he might make some stupid-sounding sad noise and honestly crying over the boy you were maybe kinda in love with with your datefriend was already weird enough without him making it weirder.
They understood. He knew they did.
He'd never done a goddamn thing in his life to deserve them.
He could have stayed there for hours except he couldn't because there was a sound and thank fucking christ at this point Axel hadn't had to deal with many gunshots but he wasn't stupid enough to not know what they sounded like. And that sounded like several, and close by, and like, in the general direction Andy and Abe had wandered off in? Which was bad? He wasn't really in any mental state to put any pieces together here besides Gunshots = Bad but that was at least enough to drag him to his feet. Shocker: he felt like shit.
"C'mon," he mumbled, holding onto Hel's arm. "Can't leave you here alone."
Didn't wanna make them walk with their wound and all but they'd made it this far on their own so maybe he shouldn't baby them but maybe that was his right as official boyfriend or whatever. He held their arm, and they didn't run, because Hel couldn't, but they jogged, sorta. Moved as fast as they were able to. Axel stayed right beside them.
It was probably nothing. Abe playing target practice in the woods.
It didn't even occur to him to consider worse.
He'd hit rock bottom for real this time.
Right?
"Well, Fenris, the King of Gossip. We meet again."
Lucas had fallen on his arse when Abe appeared. If his bladder wasn’t already empty, he would’ve pissed himself all over again when the gun was levelled at him. He was already crying, so he just cried even harder. He pushed himself back, as if he could out-crawl a bullet, but only travelled a yard at most. He cut his hand on a rock as he was doing so.
The bullets sprayed in the air. He didn’t scream, but didn’t stop crying. He could hear Abe’s warning, Abe’s mercy, just barely.
“He-“ he stuttered, but couldn’t finish. Nothing to do with survival or common sense, he just couldn’t speak again. His throat was too occupied with blubbering.
’He started it’! is what he’d wanted to say, but it would have to wait. Defiance. Assertion. Not being a literal pissbaby. All these things were hopeless wishes in the face of an SMG.
He’d been given just mere seconds to make his mind up. His instincts won over his ego, and he finally managed to collect himself enough to flee. His supplies were long left behind, his dignity was now fertilising the soil next to Andy’s corpse, and any chance of salvation was festering in Andy’s eye socket.
As he ran through the woods, as covered in filth and muck and piss as when he’d been born into the world, all he could manage to do was scream internally for his mommy and daddy to come save him.
((Lucas Brady continued in It's Nothing Like Kill Bill))
The bullets sprayed in the air. He didn’t scream, but didn’t stop crying. He could hear Abe’s warning, Abe’s mercy, just barely.
“He-“ he stuttered, but couldn’t finish. Nothing to do with survival or common sense, he just couldn’t speak again. His throat was too occupied with blubbering.
’He started it’! is what he’d wanted to say, but it would have to wait. Defiance. Assertion. Not being a literal pissbaby. All these things were hopeless wishes in the face of an SMG.
He’d been given just mere seconds to make his mind up. His instincts won over his ego, and he finally managed to collect himself enough to flee. His supplies were long left behind, his dignity was now fertilising the soil next to Andy’s corpse, and any chance of salvation was festering in Andy’s eye socket.
As he ran through the woods, as covered in filth and muck and piss as when he’d been born into the world, all he could manage to do was scream internally for his mommy and daddy to come save him.
((Lucas Brady continued in It's Nothing Like Kill Bill))
-
Emprexx Plush
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((Hel Fury Continued From @shdwmstr recordings and transcripts june 11th))
and i just want you to know it's not your fault that's why i had to come back if something happened and you never knew why no
wrong
start again
please wake up i need to tell you something it's been so much for so long and i think you'll do better if no
wrong
start again
it's not about anything you've done or didn't do or could have done this is just how i am i've always been this way i knew this would happen i tried to tell no
wrong
start again
i want you to know i love you bullshit you know but if i loved you i wouldn't do this selfish trash i don't know how to do anything but destroy i'm sorry why do you care why do you keep me going it's not worth it i'm not worth it why do you keep trying why are you hurting me like this why won't you let me die why won't you let me die why won't you let me die why won't you let me
They swallowed reflexively. The lump in their throat passed over metal pressed in the seam of their neck. Tears fell in silence born from your standard ten thousand hour road to greatness. Unless someone asked in word or action to hear them cry, Hel had gotten pretty good at holding it in. Andy, Axel, Abe, Triple A squad would never have to know until they got picked up next morning. If they did it right, there wouldn't even be a body to be found. It'd be easy. Even Hel couldn't fuck it up.
Not tonight.
They waited for the sniffling to stop before rousing Andy for his shift, careful not to let him see their face.
They'd dreaded getting it back when he woke them up. It wasn't safe in their hands, in their pocket, in the bag, in the entire tri-state area if they were being real. Back home they were glad they didn't know the combination to Dad's gun locker, not having the temptation at their fingertips made pushing through their episodes easier. So Plan A: let Andy keep it. Solid, simple, a real crowd pleaser...except Andy dipped off like, immediately? Fuck. They could chase him down, but they didn't wanna leave Axel behind and there was no time to explain so Plan B: let Axel have it. Equally solid! Equally simple! Probably more crowd pleasing...except Tristan died.
Fuck.
There hadn't been a good time for Hel and Axel to talk about Things. Now wasn't any better. So they stuck with the general, unspoken understanding they shared, one that was probably bound to blow up in their faces if they kept at it for long under normal circumstances but didn't seem all that important here. They thought about the last time they'd seen him. The little bullshit pangs of jealousy, like that fucking mattered at all here. Should have been with him. Should have brought him along. On some fucked up level had they maybe hoped he'd get lost and never catch up to Axel again? They knew what was going to happen and dipped off anyway. Was it their fault?
Their hand flexed around the gun's handle, but you know what? Not out of any guilty impulse. Fuck that, that was too self-flagellating even for them. What they were entertaining was what might have happened if they'd handed Axe the gun. Like, he wasn't asking for it, but maybe he wasn't even thinking about it. One thing at a time max, y'know? But if it was in his hand he wouldn't forget. There was a lot of love in Axel's heart. Instincts were instincts though. Nobody had ever changed what he was at the core. The first direction he saw would have a red streak without any plan other than to fuck Adonis up something brutal. It wasn't a bad instinct, if they subtracted their selfish desire to keep him with them it made a lot of sense. Hell, contact indignation alone was enough to make them wonder what it'd be like to put one in Adonis.
Somebody had a similar thought somewhere in the woods, and faster than they would have called Axe was up and dragging them along. "S-slow down, tiger," they winced with a hand over their side, "shouldn't we wait for-" Wait. Which way had Andy run off?
and i just want you to know it's not your fault that's why i had to come back if something happened and you never knew why no
wrong
start again
please wake up i need to tell you something it's been so much for so long and i think you'll do better if no
wrong
start again
it's not about anything you've done or didn't do or could have done this is just how i am i've always been this way i knew this would happen i tried to tell no
wrong
start again
i want you to know i love you bullshit you know but if i loved you i wouldn't do this selfish trash i don't know how to do anything but destroy i'm sorry why do you care why do you keep me going it's not worth it i'm not worth it why do you keep trying why are you hurting me like this why won't you let me die why won't you let me die why won't you let me die why won't you let me
They swallowed reflexively. The lump in their throat passed over metal pressed in the seam of their neck. Tears fell in silence born from your standard ten thousand hour road to greatness. Unless someone asked in word or action to hear them cry, Hel had gotten pretty good at holding it in. Andy, Axel, Abe, Triple A squad would never have to know until they got picked up next morning. If they did it right, there wouldn't even be a body to be found. It'd be easy. Even Hel couldn't fuck it up.
Not tonight.
They waited for the sniffling to stop before rousing Andy for his shift, careful not to let him see their face.
They'd dreaded getting it back when he woke them up. It wasn't safe in their hands, in their pocket, in the bag, in the entire tri-state area if they were being real. Back home they were glad they didn't know the combination to Dad's gun locker, not having the temptation at their fingertips made pushing through their episodes easier. So Plan A: let Andy keep it. Solid, simple, a real crowd pleaser...except Andy dipped off like, immediately? Fuck. They could chase him down, but they didn't wanna leave Axel behind and there was no time to explain so Plan B: let Axel have it. Equally solid! Equally simple! Probably more crowd pleasing...except Tristan died.
Fuck.
There hadn't been a good time for Hel and Axel to talk about Things. Now wasn't any better. So they stuck with the general, unspoken understanding they shared, one that was probably bound to blow up in their faces if they kept at it for long under normal circumstances but didn't seem all that important here. They thought about the last time they'd seen him. The little bullshit pangs of jealousy, like that fucking mattered at all here. Should have been with him. Should have brought him along. On some fucked up level had they maybe hoped he'd get lost and never catch up to Axel again? They knew what was going to happen and dipped off anyway. Was it their fault?
Their hand flexed around the gun's handle, but you know what? Not out of any guilty impulse. Fuck that, that was too self-flagellating even for them. What they were entertaining was what might have happened if they'd handed Axe the gun. Like, he wasn't asking for it, but maybe he wasn't even thinking about it. One thing at a time max, y'know? But if it was in his hand he wouldn't forget. There was a lot of love in Axel's heart. Instincts were instincts though. Nobody had ever changed what he was at the core. The first direction he saw would have a red streak without any plan other than to fuck Adonis up something brutal. It wasn't a bad instinct, if they subtracted their selfish desire to keep him with them it made a lot of sense. Hell, contact indignation alone was enough to make them wonder what it'd be like to put one in Adonis.
Somebody had a similar thought somewhere in the woods, and faster than they would have called Axe was up and dragging them along. "S-slow down, tiger," they winced with a hand over their side, "shouldn't we wait for-" Wait. Which way had Andy run off?
Zuckerberg (congratulations dipshit you got to join the shame name club) scampered off, stammering and sniveling and reeking vaguely of piss, leaving Abe alone with. Alone with the guy who five minutes ago was a guy so he wouldn’t have been alone if he was left with him, y’know, haha.
This was his first time actually like being around a corpse. Grandpa’s funeral had been closed casket because his family wasn’t made of fuckin’ psychopaths, and with Beryl he’d hit the ground running basically as soon as she hit the ground, haha. He’d seen her, once, but then he looked away and left so he wouldn’t have to see her anymore, except in his brain, where her slit-throat grin had taken up some fine real estate, but like, now it’d have to share its home-owners-association-lawn with the corpse he was just, standing in front of.
Just standing in front of it, because cutting and running wasn’t really an option this time. Well, like, technically it absolutely was, he had a good few minutes before the others would get there, they’d have no way of ever finding him, but Abe didn’t have his bag with him, and Andy’s bag was out in the clear by the lake, so they’d see if he went back for it, and Zuckerberg hadn’t had a bag, which was a shame because he’d deserved a good mugging.
Also like Axel was one of his best friends and even though everything was gonna be absolutely terrible forever as soon as he heard the news, Abe still couldn’t bring himself to leave him, which made him feel better about himself as a person and worse about his chances of remaining a person.
Speaking of remaining a person. Abe nudged Andy with his foot. Nothing happened but he felt a bit filthier regardless. What the fuck had he been expecting? That Andy’d just spring back to his feet and do a lil’ jig all like ‘it’s a little known fact that the trees on this island have incredibly medicinal properties, but only if they’ve been stabbed through your eye and also your brain probably’?
Too still. Too quiet. Well like Andy’d been quiet a lot back when he was still breathing but it was like, an active, sullen quietness, not. This. This complete emptiness. Andy’d had positive qualities, like, obviously, he had a lotta bros, but Abe had never really gotten the chance to experience because it’s not like he ever directed them in his direction, but like, now he’d never know or get the chance to claw his way back up to neutral standing with him. Abe wasn’t sure if he’d miss him or if he just missed the status quo, but either way, he was real unhappy, which was probably a good thing because it’s not like he wanted to be a sociopath?
Jesus, he had to do some fuckin’, like, damage control, because if Axel and Hel just straight up walked into the scene, not knowing what the hell had happened, saw their bro on the ground like that… hoo boy. That’d be less than ideal. He gave Axel like fifty-fifty odds between completely breaking and completely exploding, and if he exploded he sure as hell wouldn’t hurt his datefriend, so that left Abe as the only viable punching bag around, since he’d sorta casually shooed off the actual genuine murderer, and it’s not like he thought he’d be in real danger from that, but, still. Best to mitigate the chance of that happening, haha.
Anything he could do to make the body more presentable? (There he went, so easily shifting to thinking about ‘the body’, well, he had to get over it at some point, right?) He considered trying to pull out the stick, because it was real fuckin’ distressing to see it lodged into Andy’s skull like that, but if he took it out there’d be a horrific splurch sound and there’d be eye goop and traces of brain matter and blood on the stick, and it’d leave a gaping hole in his head probably, so no, actually, he would be leaving the stick in there, thank you very much.
Anything he could use as a discount burial shroud? Well, he had his sweatshirt on, but like, he needed it, and he especially needed it to never touch a dead body, so no. Maybe Andy had some spare clothes or some shit in his bag, but again, that was out in the open, so a no-go. He’d just have to leave it as-is, he guessed. He’d tried and thought of absolutely everything. Yup.
...Abe could close the non-fucked eye. That seemed like a decent thing to do. He crouched down over the body, tried not to look at the damage, or breathe death-smell too deeply, or look at the vacant intact eye, but he kinda had to in order to close it, didn’t he, he’d be the last person to ever look in Andy’s eye again, so it was important, wasn’t it?
They had a fucked up few-second staring contest and then Abe gingerly closed the eye. It felt like it should’ve meant something, but it didn’t, really. Feel like anything, that is, it’s not like he was the fuckin’ objective judge on beauty and meaning and whatever the hell.
He stood up, walked away from the body. Took a deep breath. Okay. Okay. Time to go back into the open. Time to face his friends like a fuckin’ cop, hat in hand, knockin’ on the door, telling some poor mother that her son had been in a car accident, and if she could come on down to the hospital to identify the body, that’d be very swell, ma’am. Jesus. How did anyone do that?
This was genuinely the biggest responsibility Abe had ever had in his life, and it really fucking blew, man. He took step after faltering step, tracing his steps back towards the lake. God. Shaking. He was actually shaking. He was more scared of having to look Axel in the eyes than he’d been after seeing Andy’s five-seconds-fresh real actual corpse. That said something bad about his, like, priorities, didn’t it, haha?
Two people in the distance. His people. No delaying it any further. He was alone. They knew. They had to know. They suspected. What was his body language like? Could they tell from the way he walked? He was alone. They were coming closer. There was a gun in his hand. He was alone. Could they see his face? What did his face look like? They were coming closer. He was alone. What did he say? What did he say? They were coming closer. He wasn’t. He was standing. Was he swaying? They were coming to him. He was alone. What expression was he making? His face felt numb. He was shaking. What the fuck. right, haha? He was alone. They were almost there. Was this really happening? Already? He wasn’t alone.
No time for silence. He was going to explode. He was going to die on the spot. “Axel - Axel, jesus, man, Andy - Andy’s dead. Lucas fucking killed him. I’m sorry. I shot at him but he’s a speedy little fucker, y’know? I’m sorry. Jesus christ, I’m-”
Lying. He lied, so easily, because he wasn’t going to tell Axel that he let the guy go, but he hadn’t thought it through, because he was lying to his fucking face, and he hadn’t thought that through, because he had to lie, because Zuckerberg probably deserved to be beaten to death, but the thought of Axel killing someone, boy, he didn’t want that to happen for like, a lot of reasons probably, so it had to happen, you know?
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t look either of them in the eye. “He’s - Andy’s over there. In the woods. I can show you. If you want.”
This was his first time actually like being around a corpse. Grandpa’s funeral had been closed casket because his family wasn’t made of fuckin’ psychopaths, and with Beryl he’d hit the ground running basically as soon as she hit the ground, haha. He’d seen her, once, but then he looked away and left so he wouldn’t have to see her anymore, except in his brain, where her slit-throat grin had taken up some fine real estate, but like, now it’d have to share its home-owners-association-lawn with the corpse he was just, standing in front of.
Just standing in front of it, because cutting and running wasn’t really an option this time. Well, like, technically it absolutely was, he had a good few minutes before the others would get there, they’d have no way of ever finding him, but Abe didn’t have his bag with him, and Andy’s bag was out in the clear by the lake, so they’d see if he went back for it, and Zuckerberg hadn’t had a bag, which was a shame because he’d deserved a good mugging.
Also like Axel was one of his best friends and even though everything was gonna be absolutely terrible forever as soon as he heard the news, Abe still couldn’t bring himself to leave him, which made him feel better about himself as a person and worse about his chances of remaining a person.
Speaking of remaining a person. Abe nudged Andy with his foot. Nothing happened but he felt a bit filthier regardless. What the fuck had he been expecting? That Andy’d just spring back to his feet and do a lil’ jig all like ‘it’s a little known fact that the trees on this island have incredibly medicinal properties, but only if they’ve been stabbed through your eye and also your brain probably’?
Too still. Too quiet. Well like Andy’d been quiet a lot back when he was still breathing but it was like, an active, sullen quietness, not. This. This complete emptiness. Andy’d had positive qualities, like, obviously, he had a lotta bros, but Abe had never really gotten the chance to experience because it’s not like he ever directed them in his direction, but like, now he’d never know or get the chance to claw his way back up to neutral standing with him. Abe wasn’t sure if he’d miss him or if he just missed the status quo, but either way, he was real unhappy, which was probably a good thing because it’s not like he wanted to be a sociopath?
Jesus, he had to do some fuckin’, like, damage control, because if Axel and Hel just straight up walked into the scene, not knowing what the hell had happened, saw their bro on the ground like that… hoo boy. That’d be less than ideal. He gave Axel like fifty-fifty odds between completely breaking and completely exploding, and if he exploded he sure as hell wouldn’t hurt his datefriend, so that left Abe as the only viable punching bag around, since he’d sorta casually shooed off the actual genuine murderer, and it’s not like he thought he’d be in real danger from that, but, still. Best to mitigate the chance of that happening, haha.
Anything he could do to make the body more presentable? (There he went, so easily shifting to thinking about ‘the body’, well, he had to get over it at some point, right?) He considered trying to pull out the stick, because it was real fuckin’ distressing to see it lodged into Andy’s skull like that, but if he took it out there’d be a horrific splurch sound and there’d be eye goop and traces of brain matter and blood on the stick, and it’d leave a gaping hole in his head probably, so no, actually, he would be leaving the stick in there, thank you very much.
Anything he could use as a discount burial shroud? Well, he had his sweatshirt on, but like, he needed it, and he especially needed it to never touch a dead body, so no. Maybe Andy had some spare clothes or some shit in his bag, but again, that was out in the open, so a no-go. He’d just have to leave it as-is, he guessed. He’d tried and thought of absolutely everything. Yup.
...Abe could close the non-fucked eye. That seemed like a decent thing to do. He crouched down over the body, tried not to look at the damage, or breathe death-smell too deeply, or look at the vacant intact eye, but he kinda had to in order to close it, didn’t he, he’d be the last person to ever look in Andy’s eye again, so it was important, wasn’t it?
They had a fucked up few-second staring contest and then Abe gingerly closed the eye. It felt like it should’ve meant something, but it didn’t, really. Feel like anything, that is, it’s not like he was the fuckin’ objective judge on beauty and meaning and whatever the hell.
He stood up, walked away from the body. Took a deep breath. Okay. Okay. Time to go back into the open. Time to face his friends like a fuckin’ cop, hat in hand, knockin’ on the door, telling some poor mother that her son had been in a car accident, and if she could come on down to the hospital to identify the body, that’d be very swell, ma’am. Jesus. How did anyone do that?
This was genuinely the biggest responsibility Abe had ever had in his life, and it really fucking blew, man. He took step after faltering step, tracing his steps back towards the lake. God. Shaking. He was actually shaking. He was more scared of having to look Axel in the eyes than he’d been after seeing Andy’s five-seconds-fresh real actual corpse. That said something bad about his, like, priorities, didn’t it, haha?
Two people in the distance. His people. No delaying it any further. He was alone. They knew. They had to know. They suspected. What was his body language like? Could they tell from the way he walked? He was alone. They were coming closer. There was a gun in his hand. He was alone. Could they see his face? What did his face look like? They were coming closer. He was alone. What did he say? What did he say? They were coming closer. He wasn’t. He was standing. Was he swaying? They were coming to him. He was alone. What expression was he making? His face felt numb. He was shaking. What the fuck. right, haha? He was alone. They were almost there. Was this really happening? Already? He wasn’t alone.
No time for silence. He was going to explode. He was going to die on the spot. “Axel - Axel, jesus, man, Andy - Andy’s dead. Lucas fucking killed him. I’m sorry. I shot at him but he’s a speedy little fucker, y’know? I’m sorry. Jesus christ, I’m-”
Lying. He lied, so easily, because he wasn’t going to tell Axel that he let the guy go, but he hadn’t thought it through, because he was lying to his fucking face, and he hadn’t thought that through, because he had to lie, because Zuckerberg probably deserved to be beaten to death, but the thought of Axel killing someone, boy, he didn’t want that to happen for like, a lot of reasons probably, so it had to happen, you know?
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t look either of them in the eye. “He’s - Andy’s over there. In the woods. I can show you. If you want.”
So was it bad that Axel was still thinking about Tristan, while he walked?
Like, okay, he should be taking this more seriously, Gunshots were serious business blah blah but probably everything was fine and Tristan was dead, so that was that. He'd kinda moved on anyway mentally to the topic after "holy shit this is awful" which was, like, "Adonis? Seriously?" Because he did know Adonis, not well or anything, but he was friends with Declyn, they'd... was hung out the right word, he was gonna go with "hung out with" him at the mall that one time. He had bad taste in tattoos. And he looked like a dork. And that was his whole frame of reference there and like, him? That kid? He killed someone? He killed Tristan?
Axel was pissed, yeah. Like he was gonna beat the shit out of the kid if he ran into him but that whole feeling was kinda covered up by just... disbelief? Like did they get the name wrong on the announcements or something? Did someone else put a gun to his head and say "hey do some murder now thanks"? It made no fucking sense but also nothing made any fucking sense anymore, did it, jesus even thinking about it like this felt too flippant. Like, Tristan was dead, with a capital Dead, like for real, like he wasn't walking around or smiling or breathing and he was still thinking about it in weird abstractions because his brain refused to wrap around it?
He'd deal with this later, which was to say probably never, because he probably didn't have time. He saw Abe. He didn't see Andy.
Abe was
Axel just kinda looked at him.
"Yeah, okay," he muttered. Walked past him. Shoved him out of the way a little too hard, maybe. "Sure."
Jesus, if he wanted to sound believable he could've come up with any name other than fucking Facebook Lucas, like yeah they'd run into him the other day which made it semi-plausible or whatever but Lucas was a fucking geek who couldn't kill a mosquito with a grenade launcher, so. Stupid prank, yeah? Shitty time and place? Like he felt like they could all agree that Hey Your Best Friend Got Murdered By An Idiot was a lame gag even when it wasn't a thing that could reasonably happen. Hadn't a Youtuber done some shit like this once. Yeah.
Yeah.
He followed toward where Abe pointed. Andy was probably hiding behind a tree or whatever. Abe and Andy finally talking to each other and they use it to set up a bullshit prank. Was funny, kinda.
He was breathing really hard. Walking real fast.
Didn't mean anything.
Into the trees, haha, this was a good time to pop out, Andy, good joke, yeah, we're done? It felt too dark, as they slipped under the canopy of branches, he turned around to make sure Hel was still behind him because he realized he'd probably been walking too fast for them and that was really shitty of him, they were there still, yeah, their breath was catching too, Abe was following, probably waiting for his reaction or whatever, there was something in his eyes that Axel fucking hated and he didn't want to process that and he turned around in time for his foot to hit something and
he turned
oh god—
His brain took a few seconds to catch up to what he was looking at, but his body got there first, stumbling backwards, he slammed into a tree so hard it knocked the wind out of him and he wasn't breathing when he slid down like a victim in a slasher movie, face bloodless, eyes glassy, that was kinda appropriate, right? They kinda did everything together, right? Best bros, right? Friends until the end?
His hand came up to his mouth in time to catch a mouthful of bile, he leaned over and let the contents of his stomach pool out beside him.
Didn't want to look again.
Couldn't.
He did anyway, cause it wasn't like he was going anywhere. Haha. Good jokes. God, he'd wanted to believe so fucking hard. Andy would never do that to them. Him, maybe, but to Hel? Never. Not in a million years. He'd known that. He just wanted it to be true. It should have been true. It was supposed to be true.
Together until the end. There was never supposed to be an end. Just another way to say forever.
The three of them, forever.
That was all he wanted.
There was a branch where his eye used to be.
He was right there but he wasn't. Just skin and meat and bones shaped like him. God, he was gone. He was gone. He'd walked away for a minute and now he was gone and he was sitting here shuddering and drooling like a fucking idiot and Hel needed him and he couldn't, fucking, be useless, but he was shattered, but he was allowed to be fucking useless for a minute, right, if there was any time it was now, right, he should scream at the heavens or cry or something, maybe.
He stood up.
He could do one thing, anyway.
Abe was there. Andy wasn't.
He stalked over to Abe, grabbed him by the collar, slammed him into a tree. Might as well have been a doll for all the effort it took. He felt nothing.
"You let him go."
It tasted like poison.
Like, okay, he should be taking this more seriously, Gunshots were serious business blah blah but probably everything was fine and Tristan was dead, so that was that. He'd kinda moved on anyway mentally to the topic after "holy shit this is awful" which was, like, "Adonis? Seriously?" Because he did know Adonis, not well or anything, but he was friends with Declyn, they'd... was hung out the right word, he was gonna go with "hung out with" him at the mall that one time. He had bad taste in tattoos. And he looked like a dork. And that was his whole frame of reference there and like, him? That kid? He killed someone? He killed Tristan?
Axel was pissed, yeah. Like he was gonna beat the shit out of the kid if he ran into him but that whole feeling was kinda covered up by just... disbelief? Like did they get the name wrong on the announcements or something? Did someone else put a gun to his head and say "hey do some murder now thanks"? It made no fucking sense but also nothing made any fucking sense anymore, did it, jesus even thinking about it like this felt too flippant. Like, Tristan was dead, with a capital Dead, like for real, like he wasn't walking around or smiling or breathing and he was still thinking about it in weird abstractions because his brain refused to wrap around it?
He'd deal with this later, which was to say probably never, because he probably didn't have time. He saw Abe. He didn't see Andy.
Abe was
Axel just kinda looked at him.
"Yeah, okay," he muttered. Walked past him. Shoved him out of the way a little too hard, maybe. "Sure."
Jesus, if he wanted to sound believable he could've come up with any name other than fucking Facebook Lucas, like yeah they'd run into him the other day which made it semi-plausible or whatever but Lucas was a fucking geek who couldn't kill a mosquito with a grenade launcher, so. Stupid prank, yeah? Shitty time and place? Like he felt like they could all agree that Hey Your Best Friend Got Murdered By An Idiot was a lame gag even when it wasn't a thing that could reasonably happen. Hadn't a Youtuber done some shit like this once. Yeah.
Yeah.
He followed toward where Abe pointed. Andy was probably hiding behind a tree or whatever. Abe and Andy finally talking to each other and they use it to set up a bullshit prank. Was funny, kinda.
He was breathing really hard. Walking real fast.
Didn't mean anything.
Into the trees, haha, this was a good time to pop out, Andy, good joke, yeah, we're done? It felt too dark, as they slipped under the canopy of branches, he turned around to make sure Hel was still behind him because he realized he'd probably been walking too fast for them and that was really shitty of him, they were there still, yeah, their breath was catching too, Abe was following, probably waiting for his reaction or whatever, there was something in his eyes that Axel fucking hated and he didn't want to process that and he turned around in time for his foot to hit something and
he turned
oh god—
His brain took a few seconds to catch up to what he was looking at, but his body got there first, stumbling backwards, he slammed into a tree so hard it knocked the wind out of him and he wasn't breathing when he slid down like a victim in a slasher movie, face bloodless, eyes glassy, that was kinda appropriate, right? They kinda did everything together, right? Best bros, right? Friends until the end?
His hand came up to his mouth in time to catch a mouthful of bile, he leaned over and let the contents of his stomach pool out beside him.
Didn't want to look again.
Couldn't.
He did anyway, cause it wasn't like he was going anywhere. Haha. Good jokes. God, he'd wanted to believe so fucking hard. Andy would never do that to them. Him, maybe, but to Hel? Never. Not in a million years. He'd known that. He just wanted it to be true. It should have been true. It was supposed to be true.
Together until the end. There was never supposed to be an end. Just another way to say forever.
The three of them, forever.
That was all he wanted.
There was a branch where his eye used to be.
He was right there but he wasn't. Just skin and meat and bones shaped like him. God, he was gone. He was gone. He'd walked away for a minute and now he was gone and he was sitting here shuddering and drooling like a fucking idiot and Hel needed him and he couldn't, fucking, be useless, but he was shattered, but he was allowed to be fucking useless for a minute, right, if there was any time it was now, right, he should scream at the heavens or cry or something, maybe.
He stood up.
He could do one thing, anyway.
Abe was there. Andy wasn't.
He stalked over to Abe, grabbed him by the collar, slammed him into a tree. Might as well have been a doll for all the effort it took. He felt nothing.
"You let him go."
It tasted like poison.
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All things being equal, this wasn't news. Hel was about as well prepared as you could get, they'd been thinking about death from moment one. Even gotten pretty comfortable with it. Like, why pull back now, they longed for it and considered themself at peace with the fact that everyone here was going with them. It'd been the first argument they'd got in, and it wasn't like that shit hadn't been tested immediately. Toby put a bullet through them before fucking off to get himself killed, so their understanding had graduated from theoretical to practical on that accelerated track. Wasn't their first body either. They'd seen Sapphire in all her morbid details. Let all that sink in and turned it into some witchy bullshit right off the top, it'd felt natural. So yeah, this had to be more intense. It was fresh, and they were closer. They'd been here though. All the talk had been talked and they were ready to deal with reality, all things being equal.
Things weren't fucking equal. Toby, who they'd barely knew, wasn't Andy. Sapphire, who they buried, wasn't Andy. Axel, who they should have been restraining through tears, wasn't Andy. Nobody was Andy but Andy. Calling him their brother didn't even start to cover it and they
They'd said nothing.
Hel didn't flinch when Axel tore away. Falling to their knees wasn't a conscious decision. If there was anything of any value of fractional comparison to the man Andy was inside of them, they would have screamed. Tore their wrists. Cried. Whimpered.
They stared into the sky and saw nothing.
Things weren't fucking equal. Toby, who they'd barely knew, wasn't Andy. Sapphire, who they buried, wasn't Andy. Axel, who they should have been restraining through tears, wasn't Andy. Nobody was Andy but Andy. Calling him their brother didn't even start to cover it and they
They'd said nothing.
Hel didn't flinch when Axel tore away. Falling to their knees wasn't a conscious decision. If there was anything of any value of fractional comparison to the man Andy was inside of them, they would have screamed. Tore their wrists. Cried. Whimpered.
They stared into the sky and saw nothing.
Alright, so, it didn’t exactly seem like Axel really heard what Abe said, or at the very least the train was taking its sweet time to its preordained meeting with a cement mixer. On the bright side, that meant he had like a couple extra minutes to live, but he was gonna spend all those minutes mildly overcome by dread, so, kind of a wash?
At least Axel was gonna get the message through his head once he found the body, just like, Andy, y’know, through his head? Y’know? Haha.
Abe trailed behind his friend as he tore through the forest, because, shit, he was in too deep now, right? There was nothing strictly stopping him from slinking back to camp and trying to wait things out, except himself, because boy that seemed a special sorta loathsome.
All too soon, they were all together, the three of them plus a certain special inanimate guest, and it was exactly as terrible as he thought it’d be, yeah, except worse, because despite all his mediocre efforts Abe wasn’t really that creative, was he, no way he coulda thunk up the way the indomitable Axel sank down like a puking ragdoll.
What happened next was kind of a no-brainer though - more like, a stick-brainer, ayyyyyyy, Abe’d give it a rest one day he swore - but that didn’t stop him from feeling any less stunned when Axel rushed him, the impact knocking the gun from his hand, but like, let’s be real, it’s not like he was gonna be using that anyways.
In his peripheral vision he caught that Hel was there too, but like, they weren’t currently slamming him against a tree in a way that’d be kinda hot in a different context, so they could be a footnote for a second, haha, sorry ‘bout that -
Axel was accusing him of a million different things, but Abe was feeling guilty about exactly one thing, so that’s the interpretation he latched onto, and greater than the terror of having his face maybe bashed in by one of his best buddies was the thought that he knew
“No, dude, what the hell, no, I told you, I got here and fucking Lucas bolted before I could get a good shot on him, I tried,” Abe stammered, like a liar, but also like someone who had been slammed into a tree, so hopefully it was still convincing?
At least Axel was gonna get the message through his head once he found the body, just like, Andy, y’know, through his head? Y’know? Haha.
Abe trailed behind his friend as he tore through the forest, because, shit, he was in too deep now, right? There was nothing strictly stopping him from slinking back to camp and trying to wait things out, except himself, because boy that seemed a special sorta loathsome.
All too soon, they were all together, the three of them plus a certain special inanimate guest, and it was exactly as terrible as he thought it’d be, yeah, except worse, because despite all his mediocre efforts Abe wasn’t really that creative, was he, no way he coulda thunk up the way the indomitable Axel sank down like a puking ragdoll.
What happened next was kind of a no-brainer though - more like, a stick-brainer, ayyyyyyy, Abe’d give it a rest one day he swore - but that didn’t stop him from feeling any less stunned when Axel rushed him, the impact knocking the gun from his hand, but like, let’s be real, it’s not like he was gonna be using that anyways.
In his peripheral vision he caught that Hel was there too, but like, they weren’t currently slamming him against a tree in a way that’d be kinda hot in a different context, so they could be a footnote for a second, haha, sorry ‘bout that -
Axel was accusing him of a million different things, but Abe was feeling guilty about exactly one thing, so that’s the interpretation he latched onto, and greater than the terror of having his face maybe bashed in by one of his best buddies was the thought that he knew
“No, dude, what the hell, no, I told you, I got here and fucking Lucas bolted before I could get a good shot on him, I tried,” Abe stammered, like a liar, but also like someone who had been slammed into a tree, so hopefully it was still convincing?
He tried. Not fucking hard enough, huh? Could have stood to try a little harder? Wasn't that just the story always with Abe anyway, motherfucker wouldn't stand up until you convinced him there was a joint in the other room, he tried, like he'd ever tried at anything for a second in his goddamn life and like, same, wasn't it, like it wasn't as though they were different, wasn't as though that ever bothered him before, wasn't as though they weren't friends, too, Abe was his friend, his friend who was alive and breathing and right here and probably wouldn't be for much longer cause hey no one would be and this was just all so, so fucked.
Axel was suddenly more tired than he'd felt in his entire life.
"You let him go," he said, again, unsteadily. He'd let Lucas go, maybe, hadn't tried hard enough because he didn't want to or wouldn't or couldn't, wasn't fast enough, didn't care, didn't chase, none of this meant anything to him, did it, he didn't give a shit about Andy, never had, Andy felt the same way, all this dumb bullshit over a girl, that's how things always went, wasn't it, didn't matter now, did it. Maybe he tried. Maybe if Axel'd been there he couldn't have done anything either but nah. He didn't believe that. If he'd been there Lucas would be dead. That wasn't really a question. He would have fucking ran until his lungs gave out.
He let him go. Lucas, Andy. It didn't matter. He could have done something. Axel was siting a few hundred feet away feeling fucking sorry for himself but Abe could have done something. Anything. Anything at all to make this not his fault, wouldn't it be just fan-fucking-tastic if he could scrape out the guilt that was clogging his throat, spit all that venom at Abe, he was suddenly acutely aware of how close his hand was to his neck and he'd only be making things worse if he reached that hand to his throat but for a second he thought that might be fine.
Abe was his friend. He had to remember. Abe was his friend, best friend, even, close enough, important enough. He couldn't be Andy. He wasn't Andy, no one was ever gonna be Andy, no one mattered that much except—
"Fuck." His fingers loosened from Abe's collar.
He let him go.
Turned around. Hel. He'd forgotten. Piece of shit useless boyfriend he was. Half-drunk off pain and stomach acid, he stumbled back to them, he wanted to put a comforting arm around their shoulder or something but he fell to his knees too, like the only thing keeping him upright was dumbass self-righteous fury, the kind that burnt out as quickly as it sparked. He was so fucking tired. He was supposed to say something. Andy was right there. Not moving. He realized he was unconsciously still searching for signs of life, a twitch of a finger, the rise and fall of his chest, there was nothing, there would always be nothing, Axel's hands had started shaking at some point but he grabbed Hel's anyway, a weak, shitty sort of comfort, he didn't have anything else in him yet.
He'd pull some energy from somewhere. He'd always been good at moving forward. Channeling energy into something else. Usually into someone else. Least he had that one lined up.
He needed a minute, still.
A few minutes, maybe.
A little longer.
He put that arm around Hel's shoulder and pulled them close. They weren't crying.
He realized he was.
Axel was suddenly more tired than he'd felt in his entire life.
"You let him go," he said, again, unsteadily. He'd let Lucas go, maybe, hadn't tried hard enough because he didn't want to or wouldn't or couldn't, wasn't fast enough, didn't care, didn't chase, none of this meant anything to him, did it, he didn't give a shit about Andy, never had, Andy felt the same way, all this dumb bullshit over a girl, that's how things always went, wasn't it, didn't matter now, did it. Maybe he tried. Maybe if Axel'd been there he couldn't have done anything either but nah. He didn't believe that. If he'd been there Lucas would be dead. That wasn't really a question. He would have fucking ran until his lungs gave out.
He let him go. Lucas, Andy. It didn't matter. He could have done something. Axel was siting a few hundred feet away feeling fucking sorry for himself but Abe could have done something. Anything. Anything at all to make this not his fault, wouldn't it be just fan-fucking-tastic if he could scrape out the guilt that was clogging his throat, spit all that venom at Abe, he was suddenly acutely aware of how close his hand was to his neck and he'd only be making things worse if he reached that hand to his throat but for a second he thought that might be fine.
Abe was his friend. He had to remember. Abe was his friend, best friend, even, close enough, important enough. He couldn't be Andy. He wasn't Andy, no one was ever gonna be Andy, no one mattered that much except—
"Fuck." His fingers loosened from Abe's collar.
He let him go.
Turned around. Hel. He'd forgotten. Piece of shit useless boyfriend he was. Half-drunk off pain and stomach acid, he stumbled back to them, he wanted to put a comforting arm around their shoulder or something but he fell to his knees too, like the only thing keeping him upright was dumbass self-righteous fury, the kind that burnt out as quickly as it sparked. He was so fucking tired. He was supposed to say something. Andy was right there. Not moving. He realized he was unconsciously still searching for signs of life, a twitch of a finger, the rise and fall of his chest, there was nothing, there would always be nothing, Axel's hands had started shaking at some point but he grabbed Hel's anyway, a weak, shitty sort of comfort, he didn't have anything else in him yet.
He'd pull some energy from somewhere. He'd always been good at moving forward. Channeling energy into something else. Usually into someone else. Least he had that one lined up.
He needed a minute, still.
A few minutes, maybe.
A little longer.
He put that arm around Hel's shoulder and pulled them close. They weren't crying.
He realized he was.
"Well, Fenris, the King of Gossip. We meet again."
-
Emprexx Plush
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They were playing Mario Kart. Double Dash, probably cuz Hel'd dragged him into playing Custom Robo for a few rounds again and they were too lazy to switch consoles. Actually, no, back that up. They weren't too lazy, they were principled. Like it'd be one thing if it was a couple years earlier rocking a Wii, that was all disks, but fighting with all the cords and shit? For the Wii U? Listen. Hel and Andy were some self-loathing teenage idiots but even they deserved better than that. Friends don't let friends Wii U. Maybe The Youth don't need that message so much anymore but it was important back in the day.
They were getting off track. Literally. Fucking banana peel, it was embarrassing. Their head wasn't so in the game though. There was this worm burrowing in the back of their head as soon as they really started getting on: are you gonna tell him? Then: how are you gonna tell him? He deserves to know. Coward. Be proud of yourself. If he's your friend what does it matter? Then: You have to tell him. Liar. How many times a day do you let it slip? You keep track, you know you do. What's that in the back of your throat? You scared? Scared of what'll happen when he finds out? Why're you afraid of what you already know? He'll hate you, and you deserve it. You're a freak. God why are you pretending, he knows. The way you walk? The way you sound? Stuck out in all the wrong places, clumsy make-up and shadow? Yeah, he knows. Everybody knows from the first look you fucked up little faggot, it's funny, he's still here because you're the joke that won't quit and he-
Years of practice and Hel still wasn't great at shutting down dysphoria. There were lines though. Andy was one of them. Back then he wasn't family in the same way yet, but pushing that kind of malice on him was the reality check they needed to see they were spiraling. They trusted him. If they didn't, they wouldn't be thinking about this in the first place.
The game took over as they crossed the finish line. Hel set the controller down. "Hey, uh, I kinda wanted to talk about..." He was still basking in how badly he'd whooped their ass, but before they'd finished the sentence he'd started to turn. It wasn't exactly his face anymore, a few years of growing up shifts some things around, but it was close.
Too close.
Hel's memory evaporated into Sapphire's face sinking into the water. It looked nothing like her.
At some point Hel'd started shivering, and they'd stopped being Hel. Hel started to walk away. They followed, because what else could they do? Hel whispered, and the boys were too busy arguing, so they listened.
"I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't "
They were getting off track. Literally. Fucking banana peel, it was embarrassing. Their head wasn't so in the game though. There was this worm burrowing in the back of their head as soon as they really started getting on: are you gonna tell him? Then: how are you gonna tell him? He deserves to know. Coward. Be proud of yourself. If he's your friend what does it matter? Then: You have to tell him. Liar. How many times a day do you let it slip? You keep track, you know you do. What's that in the back of your throat? You scared? Scared of what'll happen when he finds out? Why're you afraid of what you already know? He'll hate you, and you deserve it. You're a freak. God why are you pretending, he knows. The way you walk? The way you sound? Stuck out in all the wrong places, clumsy make-up and shadow? Yeah, he knows. Everybody knows from the first look you fucked up little faggot, it's funny, he's still here because you're the joke that won't quit and he-
Years of practice and Hel still wasn't great at shutting down dysphoria. There were lines though. Andy was one of them. Back then he wasn't family in the same way yet, but pushing that kind of malice on him was the reality check they needed to see they were spiraling. They trusted him. If they didn't, they wouldn't be thinking about this in the first place.
The game took over as they crossed the finish line. Hel set the controller down. "Hey, uh, I kinda wanted to talk about..." He was still basking in how badly he'd whooped their ass, but before they'd finished the sentence he'd started to turn. It wasn't exactly his face anymore, a few years of growing up shifts some things around, but it was close.
Too close.
Hel's memory evaporated into Sapphire's face sinking into the water. It looked nothing like her.
At some point Hel'd started shivering, and they'd stopped being Hel. Hel started to walk away. They followed, because what else could they do? Hel whispered, and the boys were too busy arguing, so they listened.
"I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't "
Y’know for a couple seconds there Abe wasn’t sure if he’d be walking outta that clearing, staring right into Axel’s crazy eyes, mouth drawn into a snarl, lil’ bit of puke still trailing down from his lips, breath stinking like death and half, or maybe that was just the dead body, haha? But then, all of a sudden all that fiery murder energy vanished, leaving a real sad dude in its place, and somehow seeing Axel like that was even worse than being scared for his life?
Axel let go. Abe sank down against the tree, because his legs had not-so-mysteriously turned to jelly. He numbly sat there in the dirt while the happy couple hugged each other and cried. Well, Axel cried, Hel didn’t do much of anything, which wasn’t exactly reassuring. Abe looked away.
The worst was over, maybe, or maybe it’d last the rest of his sorry life, because Axel and Hel were gonna be different forever, they were gonna carry Andy with them, and when they all died, would Abe collapse under all the weight? Find the hatred he needed to pull the trigger at someone and get himself killed? Collapse entirely into a sad blubbery sack? If there was a time and a place for that, it was on the helicopter ride home.
Movement out of the corner of his eye. Hel, wandering off. Axel, dazed, following them, but slowly, too slowly. Goddammit, already? Abe got to his feet, grabbed his gun, clapped his bro on the back, a little too hard.
“Come the fuck on, we’re not letting Hel outta our sight now, right?” He didn’t wait for a response, because it’d probably be a sock to the jaw or something. He hurried after Hel, trying to determine the appropriate amount of time to glance backwards and check if Axel was actually following.
((He was.))
Axel let go. Abe sank down against the tree, because his legs had not-so-mysteriously turned to jelly. He numbly sat there in the dirt while the happy couple hugged each other and cried. Well, Axel cried, Hel didn’t do much of anything, which wasn’t exactly reassuring. Abe looked away.
The worst was over, maybe, or maybe it’d last the rest of his sorry life, because Axel and Hel were gonna be different forever, they were gonna carry Andy with them, and when they all died, would Abe collapse under all the weight? Find the hatred he needed to pull the trigger at someone and get himself killed? Collapse entirely into a sad blubbery sack? If there was a time and a place for that, it was on the helicopter ride home.
Movement out of the corner of his eye. Hel, wandering off. Axel, dazed, following them, but slowly, too slowly. Goddammit, already? Abe got to his feet, grabbed his gun, clapped his bro on the back, a little too hard.
“Come the fuck on, we’re not letting Hel outta our sight now, right?” He didn’t wait for a response, because it’d probably be a sock to the jaw or something. He hurried after Hel, trying to determine the appropriate amount of time to glance backwards and check if Axel was actually following.
((He was.))
It was quiet, kinda. Like it should have been quiet but his breathing was too loud. He heard Hel's too, next to him, steadier. Too steady. He couldn't really think about why that was because he was trying too hard to shut the fuck up because if Andy could see him fucking crying over him he'd kick his ass except he couldn't see because he was literally dead literally on the ground a foot in front of him so who cared what he thought, right? Didn't really matter anymore, right? Like his ghost wasn't gonna hover over Axel's shoulder for the rest of his short stupid fucking life.
It got quieter. He didn't know why, for a second. There was a branch sticking out of Andy's head. He thought about wrenching it out. It wasn't supposed to be there. It wouldn't fix anything. It'd probably make things worse. He didn't want to see the hole where his eye had been. But it wasn't supposed to be there. It stood out. A shitty ironic grave marker.
It was quiet.
He realized his was the only breath he could hear.
Axel stood, swaying, stumbling, zombie-like, after Hel, they were walking away. Why were they walking away. He looked back at Andy and back toward Hel and hesitated, wavering, he heard Abe say something and he didn't process the words for a few more seconds.
He was supposed to be good at acting without thinking, right? This was a good time for that. Stop thinking. Act.
What else did he have in the world but them?
He nodded at Abe as he hustled after Hel and then paused because he couldn't. It was stupid. He'd already failed to say goodbye. He'd let Andy wander off and he'd never see him again and now there was a thing that looked like him but wasn't and that didn't matter but he was supposed to do something, dig a grave, build a pyre, fucking something, he didn't know if Andy would even care, what he would have wanted, what kind of conversation was that to have, anyway, hey man, about my corpse. Jesus.
There wasn't any time, anyway. He couldn't do anything but leave his best friend alone like yesterday's trash and just fucking. Try to move on? Try to think about anything else for the rest of his life? He didn't know.
Andy would've killed him if he left Hel alone for anything.
He untied his flannel from his waist. Stupid thing had been with him for fourteen years, frayed spots, stains, patches, all of it, still damp from the rain, way too hot for the weather, it still felt like he was saying goodbye to another friend when he laid it carefully across Andy's body.
He deserved it.
Axel ran.
>> Axel Fontaine continued over here, in a while
It got quieter. He didn't know why, for a second. There was a branch sticking out of Andy's head. He thought about wrenching it out. It wasn't supposed to be there. It wouldn't fix anything. It'd probably make things worse. He didn't want to see the hole where his eye had been. But it wasn't supposed to be there. It stood out. A shitty ironic grave marker.
It was quiet.
He realized his was the only breath he could hear.
Axel stood, swaying, stumbling, zombie-like, after Hel, they were walking away. Why were they walking away. He looked back at Andy and back toward Hel and hesitated, wavering, he heard Abe say something and he didn't process the words for a few more seconds.
He was supposed to be good at acting without thinking, right? This was a good time for that. Stop thinking. Act.
What else did he have in the world but them?
He nodded at Abe as he hustled after Hel and then paused because he couldn't. It was stupid. He'd already failed to say goodbye. He'd let Andy wander off and he'd never see him again and now there was a thing that looked like him but wasn't and that didn't matter but he was supposed to do something, dig a grave, build a pyre, fucking something, he didn't know if Andy would even care, what he would have wanted, what kind of conversation was that to have, anyway, hey man, about my corpse. Jesus.
There wasn't any time, anyway. He couldn't do anything but leave his best friend alone like yesterday's trash and just fucking. Try to move on? Try to think about anything else for the rest of his life? He didn't know.
Andy would've killed him if he left Hel alone for anything.
He untied his flannel from his waist. Stupid thing had been with him for fourteen years, frayed spots, stains, patches, all of it, still damp from the rain, way too hot for the weather, it still felt like he was saying goodbye to another friend when he laid it carefully across Andy's body.
He deserved it.
Axel ran.
>> Axel Fontaine continued over here, in a while
"Well, Fenris, the King of Gossip. We meet again."