Room 724: The USS Dekcuc (Read it Backwards)

[Slam]

Jesus Christ, he hadn’t meant it when he said that Jon or Diaz might’ve been more interested.

His hand was getting ridiculously close to firing off of their own volition into a powerful facepalm, held back barely by Lucas’ desperate attempts to appear in control. That was more than could be said for anyone else in the room at that point, and he really needed to hold onto that to survive this dickery.

His willpower almost hit its breaking point at Demetri’s primal stance and crotch thrust, but he held strong. Harambe was the appropriate reference, because this was fucking bananas.

Taking another deep breath, he put on the most composed face he could at that moment in time. It looked more pained than anything.

“Yes, can we all please just not actually start pulling our dicks out? I really do not want to see them. Demetri’s had his rant and Jon’s made a big show of calling him on his bullshit. Mission accomplished, everyone wins, let’s sit the fuck down.”

[Yugikun]

There was a pang of anger that rose in Jonathan as Demetri started spewing his shit, ignored the argument completely and started insulting him directly to his face. Maybe had he not fallen for what was clearly bait he could have heard what the Lucases said, not done what he was about to do. Maybe he could’ve bitten back, told Demetri that Faith wasn’t ever going to fuck him no matter how close he tried to be with her. Maybe he could’ve done something smarter, less wantonly socially destructive than what he was about to do.

But you know what? Fuck that. He was going to set this room on fire.

“I mean...” He tilted his head. Kept staring at Demetri. The other two were essentially white noise at this point. “No point in pretending when I can just show you that I have ‘em.”

He brought his hands up to his hips, hooked his thumbs on the outside edges. He bent down, slightly, kept his gaze on Demetri as he pulled both his pants and his underwear down in one semi-swift motion.

[MethodicalSlacker]

"Oh what the hell, man?!"

And with that, D-Day had begun. The first dick had dropped, and there it was, hanging out there. Yup. Lucas tried to look away, but instead just briefly glanced at Brady. A sorta "you seein' what I'm seein'?" look. And then his gaze was affixed to the dick once more. That sure was a penis, alright.

He was at a loss for words, so, generally, grunting noises came out instead.

"You—I—eurgh—wha—caugh—gah—what the fuck did I just say!?"

Lucas' hands remained planted firmly at his sides, palm down on the bed. His legs uncrossed; it was getting very, very uncomfortable to keep sitting that way given that his own erection showed no sign of stopping. It didn't seem like Jonathan had one. An erection, that was. Yet he was still fairly sizeable. About as long as Lucas', if a little bit shorte—don't even think about it, for fuck's sake!!

"N-n-n-nobody else is pulling it out!" Lucas stammered, "Jonathan put that shit away or so help me God—"

[Cicada]

Wait shit, he wasn't actually supposed to go through with it. One second Lucas B. was wringing his hands like the reincarnated 50s housewife he aspired to be and the next second dicks were out and about. Jon actually went through with it. Mad lad- only, the term was only supposed to apply ironically, not even in cases like this. Demetri couldn't fucking believe it.

Demetri felt the actual agony of the inertial force of his own eyeballs flattening against the inside of his skull as he averted his gaze. Well, like. He'd caught a glimpse of something... he guessed. Honestly, much as he hadn't been too keen on catching the detail (vague fleshy cylinder was the maximum he could bring himself to sperg over in recall) he didn't think it had looked all that sizable.

There was like, this thing women tended to say when asked those kinds of questions on Reddit and SA, places like that. The size was hard to eyeball, everything kind of looked the same without a particular frame of reference. So like, Demetri was pretty sure they were about the same size. He would have felt way worse otherwise, but for now at least he could fake confidence.

He wouldn't have been brave enough to poke his own out, otherwise. Zipper undone, shoved through his boxers. Like, yeah. Ignoring the lack of manscaping- which also allegedly made it look smaller- they were definitely the same size, right?

"Might as well," Demetri muttered to himself. Quickly and louder he added, "See? Same size. Now lets put this shit back and pretend this never happened."

[Slam]

Lucas brought up a hand between himself and Jon’s schlong, but as sudden as it was, it had not been fast enough to stop the image making its mark. Anyone who cared to see such a thing would point out there was nothing particularly heinous or wrong with Jon’s genitals, but Lucas was quite sure that he did not want to see his hairy ass, dick and balls combo flapping in the breeze when he’d just been minding his own business trying to sit in the fucking hotel room!

He had done everything he could to avoid looking in Jon’s direction, but he’d made the fatal error of looking at Demetri instead. He was fortunately more prepared for the dickish assault this time, and brought up his second hand to block the equally unappealing view, but he could've sworn the tip managed to creep its way into his line of sight before he could shield himself. Surrounded on both sides by the sausage nightmare, he scrunched his eyes shut for good measure and did his very best not to gag.

“Are you for real guys?! How many times do I have to say it?! Oh my fucking god, this is disgusting!”

Graduation could not come fast enough. The end of this week could not come faster enougher. The end of this moment with two guys he did not care for pulling down their pants in front of him and doing what he could only describe as a form of eye-rape was very much way past overdue.

[Yugikun]

“Ahh… no. You’re not allowed to compare sizes if you aren’t even looking at me.”

Which Jonathan was, by the way, primarily to make the comparison even if he didn’t possess any particular desire to see Demetri’s package. Like, yeah, Jonathan couldn’t really look at a dick and go ‘yeah, wow, that’s a fantastic dick, I want that in my crotch hole and/or butthole right now’ (Jonathan wasn’t exactly sure what made a fantastic dick, in all honesty) but at the very least he could stare at one without recoiling in horror like all the others were doing and- wait shit there were other people in the room, now Jonathan felt a bit like a jerk. Whatever. Once this was over (it’d be over pretty quickly, Jonathan’s was pretty clearly bigger) he could put his pants back on and go back to doing nothing. Avoiding the other three, as per usual.

...He’d probably have to leave the hotel to do that though, after this.

“Like, really, if you’re this scared of genitals then you’re not going to get very far if Faith ever lowers her standards. Or, like, anyone really.”

[MethodicalSlacker]

And then came the Demetri Dong, and any hopes of Jonathan going home ashamed alone were dashed.

It was one thing when it was just him. It could be written off as a gaffe, a social fluke, a Jonathan-is-an-idiot moment. Now, it was not only a Jonathan-and-Demetri-are-idiots moment, it was a half-of-the-people-in-the-room-have-their-dicks-out moment. Lucas covered his face with his hands to avert his eyes, but left enough space between his fingers that he could still see, because for some reason he was curious to confirm whether or not Demetri's whole lifestyle, this braggadocious way of carrying himself, was compensation for something.

Just eyeballing it, he felt like it was safe to say that it was. He wasn't helping himself at all with the boxer thing, but even if he had his pants around his ankles Lucas felt safe saying that Jonathan's was bigger and generally a little cleaner looking, in his opin—why did he HAVE opinions about this, it was fucking GROSS!

Holy shit! Brady was right, this was disgusting, absolutely abhorrent, and not at all slightly titillating. His dick was just confused, that was all. Lucas re-crossed his legs. At least this would make some fuckin' killer material for Fear and Loathing. That was about the only upside he could find in this situation.

"You two finished yet?" Lucas said.

It took him a second to realize his poor choice of words.

"Fuck, I mean, done? Like, dicks away now, got an eyeful?"

[Cicada]

"Fine," Demetri retorted with all the conviction and substance of one ply. "I'm looking at your dick. Satisfied?" Demetri, at the very least, followed through with his assurances. Only reluctantly, but this entire chain of events had been anime. It had been a mistake. On second look, ignoring the rest of Jonathan's pasty and bare flesh- rip in peace Christensen- Demetri still couldn't totally eyeball the size differential. Like, they were both about equal states of soft and limp. To be expected, in context. It looked...

Well, maybe Jon's thigh was thinner in circumference than Demetri's own, or something.

"If I ever got into this sort of dick watching thing I expected payment," Demetri groused, trying for the cheap shot joke. A bit quiet, brooding. Maybe his sudden existential unease was related to Jon having been the second liberal cuck in less than a month to hypocritically bring Faith up in a fight where she didn't belong, as opposed to a sudden mortal reminder of his own relatively modest girth.

Rip in peace Christensen, indeed.

Fucking hell. No way Demetri was the smallest in the room. At the very least he was going to ascend into the heights of /b/ autism in his quest to reclaim some of his suddenly lost masculine confidence.

> i didn't think it could get any gayer
> hold on to the dildos up your own asses, gentlemen
> and help me get mine in a little deeper

"Let's call it one for one on the insulting women who didn't need to be involved in the conversation, dude. Better point- the two Lucoids might as well join in. I don't see why the two of us should be the only ones making asses of ourselves."

[Slam]

“Yeah, can you shut the fuck up about Faith please?”

Lucas sorely wanted to give Jon an evil look, but that would require him to open his eyes and risk catching an unwanted sight of schlong. Jon trying to drag Faith’s name through the mud and imply that he’d sleep with this thing known as Demetri was taking it too far though. Lucas’ temper was starting to shoot up at the thought of her banging him, instead of someone decent and respectable like she should. Everyone’s pricks starting to fall out of their pants over a stupid political spat just to win the room 724 Alpha-off was just mildly irritating by comparison, it turned out.

The temptation to threaten getting a teacher involved was overwhelming, because he wanted this situation to stop right then and there. But he couldn’t get staff involved at this point, for many good reasons. One, the faculty at his high school were biased fucks. Two, he could easily wind up in the crossfire and jeopardise his Georgetown career; he’d probably kill the other three in the room before he let that happen (and they would deserve it!). And three, they’d probably start stupid shit about him on Facebook again. Even if he didn’t have a Facebook account anymore because social media was stupid and the land of trolly shits, well, he didn’t want it to happen again.

So he went with his next best option when the point of too-far had been reached, and started running his big ol’ mouth.

“Seriously, you’re going to pull out your dick like some frat boy shithead and then start talking shit about her? You want to try talking like you’ve got two brain cells without your cock in my face?“

“And Demetri, you got yourself into this stupid mess with your racist shit. Faith’s a classy lady, she isn’t going to fuck some incel” whatever the fuck one of those was “bastard just because he thinks pulling out his tiny dick makes him not look like the massive shit he is. Unlike you, I’m just about grown up enough to remember what I learned when I was one year old and keep my prick in my briefs when I’m in public.”

He could hear the words coming out of his mouth, that he was going further than he’d really meant to, but fuck it they both had it coming. Regrettably, in his flurry of retorts his eyes had squinted open to give Demetri a proper stare down, which resulted in a nauseating glimpse of Demetri dong. Fantastic, now he’d seen both of them.

Visibly wincing, he circled so that his back was to the other room-mates, bringing his fingers to his temples as he tried to massage away the images that were threatening to burn into his brain. For a moment he wondered if he was starting to wind up in a Facebook situation all over again, but then he remembered he was the victim of an assault and that self-defence was perfectly justified.

[Yugikun]

“He started it.” Jonathan said, pointing at Demetri.

The past few seconds had done their job at removing him from the high of taking off his pants. The past few seconds had also done pretty excellently at making him cringe and absolutely regret what he’d done. Demetri had called him out and while the point was valid fuck Demetri, Jonathan was never going to give him leverage over him. Lucas had called him out, however, and the point suddenly seemed a lot more fair when it was coming out the mouth of someone actually respectable. There now actually seemed a need to make up to Lucas, ideally not jettison what at the very least hadn’t been vivid hatred for Jonathan.

“But yeah, um, sorry,” Jonathan said, looking down before he realized his penis was there and instead opting to look to his side. “Didn’t intend to insult Faith, it seems like I did, so I apologize for that.”

Odds were that Demetri wouldn’t apologize for any of the shit he said about Gyu-ri but you know what-the-fuck ever at least if he did that Jonathan had more fucking ground to stand on here and-

[MethodicalSlacker]

Oh thank fuck, it seemed like things were quieting down. Good thing, too, because the tipping point, the Three-D scenario, seemed imminent as hell for just a few moments there. Their situation had been balanced on a fine point—on a dick's edge, if you wouldn't. It was a precarious position to be in, caught between a couple of dicks and a hard place, that hard place being his own dick. He—okay, enough dick puns, trying too hard, point taken.

"Phew," he exhaled, "now can we put the dicks away?"

He decided to keep his mouth shut about the whole Faith sitch, because he figured that Brady's rant had turned things into an entirely different kind of minefield, one he was not comfortable walking through blindly like he would if tried to make a jib or a jab any one way or another. Lucas knew that for as literal as the dick measuring contest was, it was also somewhat conversational as well. That was a fact he'd have to treat like a homeless guy at a bus-stop—with quiet acknowledgement, and a lot of distance.

God, he needed a drink. They all needed drinks. Just a bunch of beer and wine and maybe some snacks and they'd all bond over, um, fuckin' sports or some shit.

Then, maybe, they could forget that this all happened.

[Cicada]

"Damn straight I started it," Demetri mumbled, barely loud enough to hear. "And eesh, cool off there." Demetri's hand hovered, for a moment uncomfortably elongated by the relatively modest warping of space-time, around the worm poking out of his trousers. A perfectly sizable and serviceable worm, the mind Demetri called his own was quick to all onto the statistics. Supposedly women didn't deal too well with oversize meat sticks anyhow. Closer to average was doing the fairer sex a favor.

His mind worked quick, in moments like this. That aside, he was still stalling out, lost in the sudden plethora of his own thoughts.

He crammed his member back through the front window of his boxers. Bit scraggly down there but everything was mostly hidden away now.

"I'm very aware of my inceldom, Brady. You of all people would be one to talk, but." Demetri shrugged. "Let's just all agree to lay off dragging random girls through the mud while we're trying to dick wave." Demetri, of course, had not even been the one who actually started it. He'd literally only stated actual facts concerning Christensen- Jonathan had been the one to start leveling baseless accusations and turning Faith into the punching bag she seemed to become for literally no reason at all whenever the school's liberals were ready to expose their blatant white knight hypocrisy.

Schoolyard gossip. What were they, Langley's slut squad?

"All that aside. I still don't see why Jon and I have to be the only ones who show the goods." Demetri was still positive he was average and Jon was the freakshow- he just had to prove it with the ol' eyeball test. "Unless we're all a bunch of pussies here, lets just finish what we started. Better for the dignity that way."

[Slam]

That was weird. He was saying something perfectly sensible and people weren’t jumping down his throat like fuckwits in response. He could almost feel his migraine going away.

Sadly, Demetri had taken a shot at him, and if there was one thing Lucas had not learned, it was how to let things go. Now, even if he didn’t know what an incel was, the fact that Demetri admitted to being one meant that Lucas did not want to be implied to be one. All he knew for sure was that it was a shitty thing to be, and rather than let it slide and the conversation die out and the dicks be put away, he had to get the last word in.

“You’re the only ones who have to show your goods because you were the only two stupid enough to think that pulling them out was the right idea. Now stop being stupid and put it back in your pants and we’ll all try to forget this ever happened.”

Not that that meant Demetri was getting any of his dignity back, of course. Neither was Jonathan, but Lucas didn’t really give a crap about him, especially not after this scene. One less dick to remember when he left Hunter High for greener pastures.

“Not that there’s much to forget.”

Oh, he’d snarked when he hadn’t meant to. Oh well, fuck Demetri.

[MethodicalSlacker]

Slap.

There was just something about the way he said it. Something that melted Lucas' inhibitions about the whole thing. His dick was already hard, so it'd be at around maximum length, right? And it probably was hard for a reason, even if that reason was panic and/or fear. And if Lucas was anything, it was doing cringe shit and then regretting it, and this seemed like a great time to take that and then expound on it to a degree previously thought impossible and/or so stupid it would just about never occur. Finish what they started? Yeah, sure, why the fuck not.

He knew it'd keep him up at night for at least several years, if he hadn't killed himself in shame before then, which is basically why he did it, too. It was the stupidest, dumbest thing, but it was Something. It would make a great addition to Fear and Loathing. Immortalized on the page, his penis? Sure. So, he unzipped and unbuttoned his pants.

Afterwards, he pulled down on the waist of his jeans and boxer briefs together, slowly sliding them down while the others were preoccupied with their own bullshit, the elastic pulling his dick back like a rock in a slingshot, and lastly,

lastly,

it slid down, potential energy converted to kinetic, and Diaz's dick collided with his belly with a quiet yet firm slap.

"Speak softly," he said, voice shaky, "and carry a big stick."

[Yugikun]

The past few seconds had successfully taken away the high of taking off his pants. The few seconds after that had succeeded at making him seriously, seriously regret everything he had done tonight. Demetri kept going on because apparently he hadn’t realized that he was amongst two of his classmates only wearing a shirt and apparently he was now trying to egg the other two into whatever the fuck this was and apparently the less cool Lucas had actually decided to listen to his shit (why did people do that, how did people not know by now) and apparently it was not two but now three of them in this room only wearing a shirt. Maybe, if it had been the him of a few seconds ago, he would have looked. Compared. Hoped that his was bigger.

Instead, he didn’t, if only for Jiji’s sake. He gave out a groan, before looking at the door that led to the little outdoor area. He considered opening it. He considered walking outside. He considered jumping off the balcony, committing the noble act of seppuku.