Erika inhaled sharply, a look of abject shock in her eyes as she watched the tiny lead pellet clatter to the floor. The pain didn’t recede, it was worse for a moment. Then dull, different in character. Not as sharp when she had to move her leg. Something bearable, something that she could keep clean, something that could heal. Nothing more to fear, for now.
It took a moment to register what just happened. What almost happened. At first she felt relief, something close to happiness. Seconds later, a pit opened up in her stomach.
She’d thought she knew what was happening. It had happened before. Such a sure thing, carrying with it an immutable kind of certainty. Like falling. Like it had been every other time, forcing Erika outside of herself, but close enough to see every detail as she carried out the act.
Then Garnet caught Erika, before she hit the ground. Before she did something she wasn’t sure she wanted, something she wasn’t sure she could stop. In an instant, she quelled the paranoia and fear. Silenced the voices that engineered the worst in Erika, leaving no doubt she had been wrong.
Not going to throw you away. Even after what she'd done. A retort to everything she’d told herself in the last week. That she hadn't had any other choice.
It didn’t make a difference. None of it had made a difference. Erika’s gun was no more or less a threat than the collars, and Garnet still chose differently. She was still herself. Still alive, and surviving better than Erika was.
What have I done?
Once again, Erika let the hammer down on the pistol. Then, flipped the safety on. Now there were three steps to using it, instead of one. She set the gun beside herself.
It took a few seconds to let it out of her grip, almost as if she expected to lose the weapon. To let herself feel safe, if only for a moment.
“Garnet, I…”
Can’t.
“I - I thought you were - and I almost- I’m scared and I didn’t know how to - I’m, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough.
From here, she could see the different ways the island had wore them down. Two different sides of a choice. It was a vantage point Erika didn’t like, but she knew she had to see it. It hurt.
She buried her head in her hands, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion. They smelled like metal and salt and dirt. It didn’t help. Didn’t close the sudden hollow sensation in her chest.
“T-thanks.” She muttered, after looking back up.
There was more. More she wished she could say. She opened her mouth, but precious few of the words came out. After a few false starts, she shook her head and finally managed to speak.
“I know you won’t give up on me but - Garnet, I don’t think I can come back from this. I’ve gone too far.”
No Hell But The One We Made
Private
Exhale.
Garnet set the tweezers down before the shaking in her hand betrayed her nerves any further. Some of that wild look was fading from Erika's eyes, and she didn't want to risk that her nervousness would flip the switch back to paranoia.
How hard did it have to be to trust someone for even a second when you'd killed as much as Erika had?
Maybe it was because she knew that even a friend shouldn't be extending that level of trust. Maybe it was because she expected Garnet to have a spine.
If Garnet wouldn't let Erika go, what instead was she discarding?
She said nothing for several long seconds. Erika was sorry, but...
What did that mean, when she'd wanted to kill Garnet out of nothing more than fear?
Garnet looked away. Erika couldn't come back. Even if she could forgive, it for Garnet to forgive. Others were hurt far worse.
"If I'd come with you, back at the beginning, would you have done all this anyway?"
Garnet set the tweezers down before the shaking in her hand betrayed her nerves any further. Some of that wild look was fading from Erika's eyes, and she didn't want to risk that her nervousness would flip the switch back to paranoia.
How hard did it have to be to trust someone for even a second when you'd killed as much as Erika had?
Maybe it was because she knew that even a friend shouldn't be extending that level of trust. Maybe it was because she expected Garnet to have a spine.
If Garnet wouldn't let Erika go, what instead was she discarding?
She said nothing for several long seconds. Erika was sorry, but...
What did that mean, when she'd wanted to kill Garnet out of nothing more than fear?
Garnet looked away. Erika couldn't come back. Even if she could forgive, it for Garnet to forgive. Others were hurt far worse.
"If I'd come with you, back at the beginning, would you have done all this anyway?"
She wouldn’t wait for any more help. For the rest, she didn’t need it. More than that, she didn’t feel like forcing Garnet to do any more. Not after what that took to do; what it clearly took out of Garnet. Though the other girl tried her best to hide it, Erika saw a hint of a tremor. It was difficult to accept that her presence could do that to someone, now. After a few moments, Garnet asked a question Erika had been avoiding asking herself for a long time.
Halfway between a sigh and a laugh, she could only shake her head as words eluded her at first.
“I - I honestly don’t know. No. Ever since Danya shot Miss Garcia, all I could think of was that I’d do anything if it meant staying alive. Maybe I just - I was too afraid to listen to anything but that voice in my head. I did it because I was scared. I don’t want to die. If there had been another voice, one telling me there was even a chance we’d make it out okay, it might’ve made a difference.”
It would have. She didn’t want to sound so sure of it.
“That’s the point, Garnet. You could’ve stopped me. Ty could’ve stopped me. But we’re here. I chose this. Everything I’ve done is on me, and the people who put us here. I can’t put that on you or anyone else.”
Dragging her duffel back back towards her, Erika reached in and grabbed gauze pads and tape, setting them next to her leg. Pausing, as her focus hung on a piece of paper in her duffel bag. Colourful, not especially detailed. The map. Gently, she reached in and took it out, placing it on her lap. She ran her fingers over it, almost as if she could read more by touching it than the shapes and symbols she saw.
Every other person on the island was standing between her and living.
Not one of them deserved to die the day they were put here. The ones who did earned it the same way Erika had.
This place was amoral. It was a war of all against all, with no resolution as long as the collars threatened them. She had to be savage, ruthless. That was the only rational choice.
Ten times over she’d earned her way out of here. All she had to do was avoid the others.
Every moment they had was one to prepare, to arm themselves, to harden their hearts. Variables she couldn’t control, unknowns that threatened to annihilate her.
“...but I know you.” She whispered, without thinking.
There was no way to control the outcome. No way to ensure it. All she had was a monster, the worst she could summon up. The best she could do and still feel like some part of this was in her control. For her whole life, she’d wanted to care enough to think past the day it all ended. The moment her heart stopped.
She looked and saw where she wanted to be. Better times. Imagination games played by people who knew they soon weren’t going to be kids anymore. Awkward teenagers inventing companions for invented companions, so they could make some real ones of their own. Conquering make-believe so real defeats didn’t hurt so much. Feeling known in a place she didn’t think anyone could ever know who she really was.
“I know you.”
Erika flipped the map around to face Garnet, and pointed to a spot near the Cliffside.
“I left a rifle there, it’s well hidden. There’s a little tree, sticking out over the cliff. A couple of mossy rocks next to the trunk, you can’t miss it. The gun is hanging off a branch, on the edge, with a belt of ammo. You won’t see it unless you know where to look. You have to lean over the edge, on the right side. It kicks hard, but it’s reliable.”
She tapped the spot on the map, hoping Garnet understood. It took all she had to ignore the fear and doubt and the voice that said they were all already dead and that this was jeopardizing her potential resurrection.
“Go. Take it, because no one else here will save you. Even if they wish they could.”
Halfway between a sigh and a laugh, she could only shake her head as words eluded her at first.
“I - I honestly don’t know. No. Ever since Danya shot Miss Garcia, all I could think of was that I’d do anything if it meant staying alive. Maybe I just - I was too afraid to listen to anything but that voice in my head. I did it because I was scared. I don’t want to die. If there had been another voice, one telling me there was even a chance we’d make it out okay, it might’ve made a difference.”
It would have. She didn’t want to sound so sure of it.
“That’s the point, Garnet. You could’ve stopped me. Ty could’ve stopped me. But we’re here. I chose this. Everything I’ve done is on me, and the people who put us here. I can’t put that on you or anyone else.”
Dragging her duffel back back towards her, Erika reached in and grabbed gauze pads and tape, setting them next to her leg. Pausing, as her focus hung on a piece of paper in her duffel bag. Colourful, not especially detailed. The map. Gently, she reached in and took it out, placing it on her lap. She ran her fingers over it, almost as if she could read more by touching it than the shapes and symbols she saw.
Every other person on the island was standing between her and living.
Not one of them deserved to die the day they were put here. The ones who did earned it the same way Erika had.
This place was amoral. It was a war of all against all, with no resolution as long as the collars threatened them. She had to be savage, ruthless. That was the only rational choice.
Ten times over she’d earned her way out of here. All she had to do was avoid the others.
Every moment they had was one to prepare, to arm themselves, to harden their hearts. Variables she couldn’t control, unknowns that threatened to annihilate her.
“...but I know you.” She whispered, without thinking.
There was no way to control the outcome. No way to ensure it. All she had was a monster, the worst she could summon up. The best she could do and still feel like some part of this was in her control. For her whole life, she’d wanted to care enough to think past the day it all ended. The moment her heart stopped.
She looked and saw where she wanted to be. Better times. Imagination games played by people who knew they soon weren’t going to be kids anymore. Awkward teenagers inventing companions for invented companions, so they could make some real ones of their own. Conquering make-believe so real defeats didn’t hurt so much. Feeling known in a place she didn’t think anyone could ever know who she really was.
“I know you.”
Erika flipped the map around to face Garnet, and pointed to a spot near the Cliffside.
“I left a rifle there, it’s well hidden. There’s a little tree, sticking out over the cliff. A couple of mossy rocks next to the trunk, you can’t miss it. The gun is hanging off a branch, on the edge, with a belt of ammo. You won’t see it unless you know where to look. You have to lean over the edge, on the right side. It kicks hard, but it’s reliable.”
She tapped the spot on the map, hoping Garnet understood. It took all she had to ignore the fear and doubt and the voice that said they were all already dead and that this was jeopardizing her potential resurrection.
“Go. Take it, because no one else here will save you. Even if they wish they could.”
The answer Garnet had expected.
Everything she'd tried to do so far had led her to a dead end. All she had to show for the promise she'd tried to make herself was roughing up a couple of people who maybe didn't even deserve it.
She hadn't kept up with Marco. She hadn't stuck with Erika. Either of those would have accomplished so much more than attempting to punch her problems. Just being there. Not being a fuckup who couldn't even keep an eye on her friends for five minutes before they ran off to go to unspeakable things. Erika said that it was on her and nobody else, but Garnet could see her own culpability plain as day. Her friend had needed someone, needed her to steer her right, and she hadn't stepped up.
Garnet looked away.
When she looked back, Erika had her map out. A weapon, a gift. A little sign of what they'd had.
A better person than her would have spat in Erika's face, said she didn't want her blood money.
A better person than her would have refused to help, damn the consequences.
"All right," she murmured.
She stood up.
"It's not too late for you to stop. Trust me if you don't trust yourself.
"You could have right now, and you didn't.
"It's not too late."
Garnet closed her mouth, adjusted her glasses. She ran a hand through her hair. She missed her hat.
Nothing she could say felt adequate. Not even goodbye.
She turned and walked out of the room, leaving Erika again.
Stopping the game from running? She didn't have the guts.
((Garnet continued in a place))
Everything she'd tried to do so far had led her to a dead end. All she had to show for the promise she'd tried to make herself was roughing up a couple of people who maybe didn't even deserve it.
She hadn't kept up with Marco. She hadn't stuck with Erika. Either of those would have accomplished so much more than attempting to punch her problems. Just being there. Not being a fuckup who couldn't even keep an eye on her friends for five minutes before they ran off to go to unspeakable things. Erika said that it was on her and nobody else, but Garnet could see her own culpability plain as day. Her friend had needed someone, needed her to steer her right, and she hadn't stepped up.
Garnet looked away.
When she looked back, Erika had her map out. A weapon, a gift. A little sign of what they'd had.
A better person than her would have spat in Erika's face, said she didn't want her blood money.
A better person than her would have refused to help, damn the consequences.
"All right," she murmured.
She stood up.
"It's not too late for you to stop. Trust me if you don't trust yourself.
"You could have right now, and you didn't.
"It's not too late."
Garnet closed her mouth, adjusted her glasses. She ran a hand through her hair. She missed her hat.
Nothing she could say felt adequate. Not even goodbye.
She turned and walked out of the room, leaving Erika again.
Stopping the game from running? She didn't have the guts.
((Garnet continued in a place))
She could have, but she didn’t.
There was no way to know from here if she’d regret it. The cold part of her mind made a point of reminding her how imperative that everyone here had to die, no matter how she felt about them. Right now, with Garnet walking away from her, she just wasn’t in a place to listen to that part of herself. It didn’t feel like it had any purchase on her right now, it didn’t press her to act like it had the past few days.
No one would confuse what she’d done for unintentional. Most of it was in cold blood. She found ways to rationalize and accept it after the fact, even if it had felt horrible and wrong. It was supposed to keep her alive, and that was supposed to be enough.
This, though - what she put Garnet through - something about that seemed worse. Something about watching her friend react to her with fear, regarding her like a creature that ought to be caged, it hurt. It was a pain that dug past the defenses that she put up, forcing her to stay quiet as Garnet walked away wordlessly. Forcing her to stifle a reply as her friend reminded her it wasn’t too late.
I hope you believe that. It is, though.
She wasn’t dying inside, she was already dead. She knew it really would have been easier to kill her friend, in the end. Not to spare her any more pain - she didn’t believe death was an escape - but to spare herself the pain of knowing Garnet kept hurting. Even thinking that made Erika question just how quickly a bullet could blow that thought out of her mind.
At least she didn’t do it. At least she let Garnet go. At least the pellet was out of her leg, and she could get moving again. Get fighting again. Keep clearing a path to life, even if it seemed less and less like there was a whole lot waiting for her on the other side even if she did make it. The chance that there might be something more, even the tiniest shred - that was the only thing she felt any comfort in putting her faith in. Even if more than anything, she wanted to trust her friend. Even if she wanted to trust herself, and every instinct that told her what she was doing was wrong.
It really was too late. Erika only managed to stifle a reply moments after Garnet walked out the door.
“...good luck, friend.”
Before long she was back to bandaging her leg, doing well to sterilize everything she could and keeping the bandages good and tight. The old pain traded places with a new one, that demanded different things of her. At the very least, it was something she was actually able to give. After half an hour, Erika was on her way again. Back into the woods, and the relative safety of the labyrinthine jungle.
Next to bandages and the parts of a broken rifle, lay a troublesome chunk of bloody lead.
It wasn’t just the fact that it was a zero sum game. That was motivation to act, but not to continue. What defined this place was what it took out of a person, and what they were willing to cut loose just to survive. That wasn’t something anyone could explain, not really. If she’d been able to apprehend what it would’ve felt like, what it would’ve meant to look into familiar eyes and see nothing but fear, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe some part of her would’ve thought that wasn’t worth it.
She’d never know. For now, all she could give she left to Garnet and wherever her path led.
Erika hoped it was through somewhere bright, as her own only wound further into the dark.
There was no way to know from here if she’d regret it. The cold part of her mind made a point of reminding her how imperative that everyone here had to die, no matter how she felt about them. Right now, with Garnet walking away from her, she just wasn’t in a place to listen to that part of herself. It didn’t feel like it had any purchase on her right now, it didn’t press her to act like it had the past few days.
No one would confuse what she’d done for unintentional. Most of it was in cold blood. She found ways to rationalize and accept it after the fact, even if it had felt horrible and wrong. It was supposed to keep her alive, and that was supposed to be enough.
This, though - what she put Garnet through - something about that seemed worse. Something about watching her friend react to her with fear, regarding her like a creature that ought to be caged, it hurt. It was a pain that dug past the defenses that she put up, forcing her to stay quiet as Garnet walked away wordlessly. Forcing her to stifle a reply as her friend reminded her it wasn’t too late.
I hope you believe that. It is, though.
She wasn’t dying inside, she was already dead. She knew it really would have been easier to kill her friend, in the end. Not to spare her any more pain - she didn’t believe death was an escape - but to spare herself the pain of knowing Garnet kept hurting. Even thinking that made Erika question just how quickly a bullet could blow that thought out of her mind.
At least she didn’t do it. At least she let Garnet go. At least the pellet was out of her leg, and she could get moving again. Get fighting again. Keep clearing a path to life, even if it seemed less and less like there was a whole lot waiting for her on the other side even if she did make it. The chance that there might be something more, even the tiniest shred - that was the only thing she felt any comfort in putting her faith in. Even if more than anything, she wanted to trust her friend. Even if she wanted to trust herself, and every instinct that told her what she was doing was wrong.
It really was too late. Erika only managed to stifle a reply moments after Garnet walked out the door.
“...good luck, friend.”
Before long she was back to bandaging her leg, doing well to sterilize everything she could and keeping the bandages good and tight. The old pain traded places with a new one, that demanded different things of her. At the very least, it was something she was actually able to give. After half an hour, Erika was on her way again. Back into the woods, and the relative safety of the labyrinthine jungle.
Next to bandages and the parts of a broken rifle, lay a troublesome chunk of bloody lead.
It wasn’t just the fact that it was a zero sum game. That was motivation to act, but not to continue. What defined this place was what it took out of a person, and what they were willing to cut loose just to survive. That wasn’t something anyone could explain, not really. If she’d been able to apprehend what it would’ve felt like, what it would’ve meant to look into familiar eyes and see nothing but fear, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe some part of her would’ve thought that wasn’t worth it.
She’d never know. For now, all she could give she left to Garnet and wherever her path led.
Erika hoped it was through somewhere bright, as her own only wound further into the dark.
((Erika Stieglitz continued in After the Twilight, Always a Sunrise))